HUMOR Digest - 9 Apr 1997 to 10 Apr 1997
There are 3 messages totalling 139 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Columbia Maryland Yuppies
  2. <HUMOR> Offensive to Irish jockeys
  3. The Cameron Column #45 (clean)

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Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 19:11:11 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Columbia Maryland Yuppies

* Two Yuppettes from Columbia Maryland met for lunch one day and were
  discussing their recent vacations.  "Why Babette," exclaimed her
  friend Mary Alice.  "Where did you get that heavenly tan ?"
    "In Sri Lanka," replied Babette, "Humbert took me there over the
  Easter holidays.  And you're correct, it was indeed heavenly."
    "Super...  Did you say Sri Lanka ?" inquired Mary Alice, a slight
  puzzled look on her face.
    "Why, yes" said Babette. "It was one of the most romantic spots
  we've ever been to."
    "Where in the word is Sri Lanka ?" inquired Mary Alice, "I regret
  to admit I'm not at all familiar with it."
     "Mary Alice, my pet," smiled Babette, "I haven't the foggiest idea.
  We flew there."
                                - - - - -

*   Like so many Yuppies from Columbia Maryland, the Banker was in the
  midst of his tri-weakly therapy session when the shrink inquired,
  "Which is more important -- sex or wine ?"
    Without a pause, the Yuppie said "Burgundy or Bordeaux ?"
                                - - - - -

*   This rather wealthy Yuppette from Columbia Maryland goes to the
  Howard County hospital to visit her ailing chauffeur.  The Nurse asked,
  "Are you his wife ?"
    "Certainly not !" she replied defensively, "I'm his mistress !"
                                - - - - -

* How do Yuppies from Columbia Maryland know it's raining ?
  Water gets in their noses.
                                - - - - -

* A Yuppie couple from Columbia Maryland recently bought a dairy ranch.
  They insisted the cows stop being branded, and sent them out to be
  engraved instead.

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Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 09:28:49 -0700
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Offensive to Irish jockeys

An English jockey, Scottish jockey and Irish jockey were enjoying a
night's drinking. As the evening passed they became more and more
morose.

The English jockey said "My wife's having an affair with an
electrician!" When asked how he knew he explained that he had found a
voltmeter under his bed.

The Scottish jockey also admitted that his wife had a lover, but that he
was a plumber as he'd found a monkey wrench under his bed.

The Irish jockey was by now looking really depressed and after some
urging admitted that his wife was also having an affair, but that he
knew that she was sleeping with a horse! Asked how he knew the Irish
jockey replied "Last night I came home and found a jockey under my bed!"

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Date:    Thu, 10 Apr 1997 05:56:00 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Cameron Column #45 (clean)

     Every once in awhile the state of Colorado invites me to be their guest
at the department of motor vehicles to renew my driver's license.  This
involves standing in line for four hours in order to reach a woman behind
the counter who will tell me that I am in the wrong line.  After standing in
the correct line, I find myself taking a written test filled with relevant
questions like, "If you're driving a fifty foot tractor with a red cloth
tied to the back and you see Wayne Newton crossing the street, can you think
of any reason to slow down?"   Then my photograph is taken and I am sent on
my way with a new piece of plastic in my wallet.
     Imagine my horror when I last went through this exercise and discovered
that they had somehow put a picture of my FATHER on my license!
     Naturally, being a mature, stable male with a serene sense of self, I
immediately over-reacted and went to the drug store for every age-reversing
product on the shelf.

     Retin-A:  This cream causes the skin of your face to shred off in big
sheets in the hopes that there will be someone better looking underneath.
Alas, under all this Bruce Cameron there is just more Bruce Cameron, albeit
with a permanent flush.  No one thought I wound up looking younger, though
my wife did remark I looked like I had been shaving with a plutonium razor,
which I suppose is some sort of progress.
     Alpha-Hydroxy:  You know those fine wrinkles under your eyes?
Alpha-Hydroxy takes these wrinkles and replaces them with pain.  I have no
idea if I looked younger because my face was tightened into a wince for 36
straight hours.
     Ibuprofen:  Regular use of Ibuprofen is supposed to prevent Alzheimer's
disease but I can never seem to remember to take it.
     RHEA:  Rhea is a male hormone extracted from rodents and put into pill
form.  Regular use is supposed to lead to a better sex life.  Naturally, men
buy them.  I took RHEA every day for two months and my wife still fell
asleep every time I began acting amorous, though my son's gerbils seemed to
find me very sexy.  Maybe I read the label wrong--I should have given them to my wife.
     Melatonin:  Melatonin is a natural substance produced by your body
until you become a teenager, at which time you begin producing stress.  Use
of melatonin is rumored to cause people to live longer.  I took melatonin
and it worked:  I DID live longer!
     Rogaine:  Rogaine allows men who are balding to recover some of their
hair and I AM NOT BALDING.  I merely noticed that I have grown more forehead
lately, possibly in response to all I have learned in my life.  So I used
enough Rogaine to grow fur on a poached egg, to no avail (unless you count
an unusually productive spurt from inside my nose.)  Eventually I gave up.
Besides, I have been reliably informed by a bald guy that women find bald
men sexy, particularly if the women have been eating mouse hormones.
     Ab Rollers:   Normally I wouldn't include Ab Rollers in a list like
this because they are harder to swallow than a good dose of mouse hormones,
but because I got one for Christmas (I cannot fathom why, since I have a
washboard waist--albeit for fine washables) I thought I would throw it in.
The box shows a smiling Suzanne Sommers look-alike giving herself an
incredible body in a tiny outfit.  I studied the box a great deal.  However,
after using the Ab Roller on Christmas and again in February, I noticed that
I did not look anything at all like Suzanne Sommers.   Nor did I smile much
when I used it--my expression was more like Suzanne Sommers on Alpha-Hydroxy.

     My conclusion after all this extremely scientific research is that
after centuries of trying we haven't yet found a way to make people younger,
just poorer.  If you find yourself looking in the mirror and seeing your
parents staring back, my advice is simple:  stop looking in the mirror.

This is courtesy of the Cameron List,
an original-humor list published twice-monthly by Bruse Cameron

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Apr 1997 to 10 Apr 1997
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