HUMOR Digest - 9 Apr 1997 - Special issue
There are 17 messages totalling 1035 lines in this issue.

Topics in this special issue:

  1. Marriage <adult humor>
  2. Brian & Jim (Psychiatric)
  3. Penis - Adult
  4. Chocolate vs Sex (Adult humor)
  5. Dear Wife, Dear Husband <adult humor>
  6. English and German!!! (clean), Coboy (off. language)
  7. Law on the March
  8. HUMOR: Sound Advice
  9. Haircuts <possibly offensive to women>
 10. Humor - Sassy Tax Payers
 11. Technical Snags <clean>
 12. <No subject given>
 13. Hosni's wife <slightly rude>
 14. STUPID SPORTS QUOTES
 15. Humor from an ashram <India>
 16. Term Paper Dictionary
 17. Yo'Momma Jokes!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 03:09:03 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Marriage <adult humor>

* Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
  thinking they had no faults at all.
                                - - - - -

* Actually, should the truth be known, there are a lot of good ways to
  "handle" a woman.  Unfortunately, not a man alive knows any of them.
                                - - - - -

* You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out
  with the boys on Wednesday nites, and so does she.
                                - - - - -

*   This yuppie couple in Coumbia Maryland started their own computer
  business and for a while did really well.  Then business started
  dropping off.  During a heated spat over finances the husband said,
  "Well, if you'd learn to cook and were willing to clean this place,
  we could fire the maid."
     The wife, fuming, shot back, "Oh Yeah ???   Well, if you'd learn
  how to make love, we could fire the chauffeur AND the gardener."
                                - - - - -

* Personally I think one of the greatest things about marriage is that
  as both husband and Father, I can say anything I want to around the
  house.  Of course, no one pays the least bit of attention.
                                - - - - -

* We have a young couple in the neighborhood who are truly inseparable.
  Last week, it took four Howard County Policemen and a dog.
                                - - - - -

* According to the latest surveys, when making love, most married men
  fantasize that their wives aren't fantasizing.
                                - - - - -

* Did any of you other married guys out there ever wonder whether it's
  better to have loved and lost, than to have loved and won ?

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 07:22:13 GMT
From:    Max Blumberg <max@MAXB.COM>
Subject: Brian & Jim (Psychiatric)

Q: How will Brian and Jim's shrinks know when they have finally got a life?

A: When they can honestly tell him that they managed to find 10 minutes in
   their waking hours where they WERN'T trying to find material for
   humor@uga.........

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 12:14:20 +0300
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Penis - Adult

a white guy sees a black guy in the lavatory and is impressed by the size
so he says to the black guy:
- I want a penis just like yours, how can I have one?
- Just tie a 1 kg. weight at its tip and go with it for a month.

After 1 week they meet again and the black wanted to know how the
experiment was going.

I halfway there, said the white, it's already black.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 07:47:06 -0400
From:    Megan Taylor <LuvlyFreak@AOL.COM>
Subject: Chocolate vs Sex (Adult humor)

CHOCOLATE vs SEX

Top 20 Reasons Why Chocolate is Beter Than Sex


1. You can GET chocolate.

2. "If you love me you'll swallow that," has real meaning with
chocolate.

3. Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

4. You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.

5. You can make chocolate last as long as you want to.

6. You can have chocolate in front of your mother.

7. Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called
   nasty names.

8. The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.

9. If you bite the nuts too hard, the chocolate won't mind.

10. You can have chocolate on top of your desk at work without
    disturbing your co-workers.

11. You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face
    slapped.

12. You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.

13. With chocolate, there's no need to fake it.

14. Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.

15. You can have chocolate at any time of the month.

16. Good chocolate is easy to find.

17. You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

18. You are never too young or too old for chocolate.

19. When you have chocolate, it does not keep your neighbors awake.

20. With chocolate, size doesn't matter. It's all good.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 07:51:17 -0400
From:    Megan Taylor <LuvlyFreak@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dear Wife, Dear Husband <adult humor>

DEAR WIFE,

During the past year I have tried to make love to you 365 times. I have
succeeded 36 times,which is an average of once every ten days. The
following is a list of why I did not succeed more often:

54 times the sheets were clean
17 times it was too late
49 times you were too tired
20 times it was too hot
15 times you pretended to be asleep
22 times you had a headache
17 times you were afraid of waking the baby
16 times you said you were too sore
12 times it was the wrong time of the month
19 times you had to get up early
9 times you said weren't in the mood
7 times you were sunburned
6 times you were watching the late show
5 times you didn't want to muss your new hair-do
3 times you said the neighbors would hear us
9 times you said your mother would hear us

Of the 36 times I did succeed,the activity was not satisfactory because
6 times you just layed there, 8 times you reminded me there's a crack in
the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7
times I had to wake you and tell you I finished, and one time I was
afraid I had hurt you because I felt you move.

TO MY DEAR HUSBAND:

I think you have things a little confused. Here are the reasons you
didn't get more than you did:

5 times you came home drunk and tried to fuck the cat
36 times you did not come home at all
21 times you didn't cum
33 times you came too soon
19 times you went soft before you got in
38 times you worked too late
10 times you got cramps in your toes
29 times you had to get up early to play golf
2 times you were in a fight and someone kicked you in the balls
4 times you got it stuck in your zipper
3 times you had a cold and your nose was running
2 times you had a splinter in your finger
20 times you lost the notion after thinking about it all day
6 times you came in your pajamas while reading a dirty book
98 times you were too busy watching football, baseball, etc.on TV

Of the times we did get together the reason I laid still was because you
missed and were fucking the sheets. I wasn't talking about the crack in
the ceiling, what I said was ,"would you prefer me on my back or
kneeling?" The time you felt me move was because you farted and I was
trying to breathe.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 14:02:54 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: English and German!!! (clean), Coboy (off. language)

EU to Merge English and German!!!

     Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now
officially the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has
commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in
communications between Government departments.  European officals have often
pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult. For example:
cough, plough, here, hear, bow, bough, through and thorough.  What is
clearly needed is a phased program of changes to iron out these anomalies.
The program would be administered by a committee of top level staff chosen
by the participating nations.
     In the first year, for example, the commmittee might suggest using "s"
instead of the soft "c".  Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities
would resieve this news with joy.  The hard "c" could then be replased by
"k" sinse both letters are pronounsed alike.  This would not only klear up
konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters  and keyboards
kould be made with one fewer letter, a signifikant savings.
     In the sekond year, bekause of growing enthusiasm, it will be announsed
that the troublesome "ph" would henseforth be written "f".  This would make
words  like "fotograf" twenty persent shorter in print, as well as many
english frases.
     In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be
expekted to reash the stage where more komplikated shanges are
possible.  Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which
have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
     We would al agre that the horible mes of silent "e"'s in the languag
is disgrasful.  Therfor, we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as
though nothing had hapend.
     By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would
be resptiv to steps sush as replasing "th" by "z".  Perhaps zen ze funktion
of "w" kould be taken on by "v", vitsh is, after al, half a "w".  Finaly, ze
unesesary "o" kuld be dropd from words kontaining  "ou".  Ze sam argument
vud  of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.
     Kontinuing zis proses yer aftr yer, ve vud eventuli hav a veri sensibl
vriten stil. Aftr tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls or difikultis and
evri on vud find it ezi tu understan esh ozer.  Ze drems of ze E.U. vud
finali kum tru.
     today ze E.U - zen ze vorld
--------------------
The Cowboy (off. language)

     The cattle had been loaded into the railroad cars to be shipped to
Chicago for processing, before the journey each car was assigned an
attendant to feed, water, and watch the cattle on the way.....
     This is the story of one such cowboy:
     Following the arrival and unloading of the cattle in Chicago, the
cowboy headed for a restaurant for a long, overdue dinner.  The only seat
left was next to a very young lady, perhaps 20 years of age, who appeared to
be wealthy and with poise that reflected a substantial education.  He
couldn't help overhearing her order as she said:
     "I'll have the breast of fowl....virgin fowl, please.  Make very sure
it is virgin, catch it yourself.  Garnish my plate with mild
onions, a cup of coffee, not too hot, and please not too cold.  Oh!  And
would you please open the window...I smell cows, there must be a cowboy in
here."
     Thoroughly pissed off by now, the cowboy placed his order like this:
     "I'll have the duck, a fucked duck.  Make damn sure it is well fucked.
Fuck it yourself.  Garnish my plate with horse shit, a cup of coffee as
strong as Texas mule piss.  Blow off the foam with a big ripe fart.  And
would you please knock out a wall, I smell a
cunt...there must be a whore in the house."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 09:55:35 -0400
From:    Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March

If He Didn't Get So Much Money,
He'd Be a Free Man Today

A bank robber was arrested when he stopped in the bank to count the cash he
had stolen. When a Baltimore police officer entered the Signet Bank,
employees pointed to an unarmed man, who was calmly counting his cash near
the teller's station, where he had stolen it.

Source: Baltimore Sun
---------------------------------

Lose My Luggage Once More
And I Aim Higher

A Cambodian tycoon, fed up with lost luggage and flight delays, pulled a gun
and shot out a tire on a parked jet. Teng Boonma, Cambodia's richest
businessman, had just disembarked from a Royal Cambodge plane from Hong Kong,
when he ordered his bodyguard to fetch him a pistol and flattened the tire
with a single shot. "I knew it was wrong to do that," said Boonma, "but I
only regret that I did not get to shoot the other three tires."

Source: AP
-----------------

A New IRS Penalty

People filing their U.S. taxes at the last minute will receive a new penalty,
if the Academy of American Poets has its way. The Academy plans to distribute
copies of T.S. Eliot's poem, "The Wasteland," to people who line up at post
offices in several American cities between 10 p.m. and midnight on April 15.
The first line is, "April is the cruelest month," and the poem, complete with
footnotes, is only a little more complicated than the 1040EZ tax form.

Source: Reuters
------------------------

Besides, Nobody Can Get Online
To See It, Anyway.

A new benefit for AOL subscribers: access to the Ku Klux Klan's Web Site. The
site calls for the establishment of "a White Christian Order upon the earth"
and denounces "the lies of the race-mixers and mongrelizers" who favor racial
integration. AOL, which has banned other sites, says the KKK site meets its
standards because it is "only historical in character."

Source: Boston Globe


------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 09:00:03 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: HUMOR: Sound Advice

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits
by Pablo Picasso.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 11:21:52 -0400
From:    paul mccooe <paul_mccooe@CREATIVE.IE>
Subject: Haircuts <possibly offensive to women>

     Haircuttee - Woman1
     Haircut Noticer - Woman2

     2:  Oh!  That's so cute!
     1:  Do you think so?  I wasn't sure when she was gave
         me the mirror. I mean, you don't think it's too fluffy looking?
     2:  Oh God no!  No, it's perfect.  I'd love to
         get my hair cut like that, but I think my face is too wide.  I'm
         pretty much stuck with this stuff I think.
     1:  Are you serious?  I think your face is adorable.
         And you could easily get one of those layer cuts - that would look
         so cute I think.  I was actually going to do
         that except that I was afraid it would accent my long neck.
     2:  Oh - that's funny!  I would love to have your
         neck!  Anything to take attention away from this two-by-four I
         have for a shoulder line.
     1:  Are you kidding?  I know girls that would love to
         have your shoulders.  Everything drapes so well on you.  I mean,
         look at my arms - see how short they are? If I had your shoulders
         I could get clothes to fit me so much easier.

     etc, ad nauseam

     -----------------------------------------------------

     Haircuttee - Man1
     Haircut Noticer - Man2

     2:  Haircut?
     1:  Yeah.


     Visit my webpage at http://indigo.ie/~pmccooe

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 12:24:31 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor - Sassy Tax Payers

WASHINGTON -- When the Internal Revenue Service worker opened the tax
return, powdery, gray ashes spilled to the floor.  "You took everything
else. Why don't you take him, too!" wrote a widow who said she had
enclosed her husband's remains.

 Americans are expected to mail about 120 million tax returns to the IRS
this season, and some folks feel compelled to enclose a little something
extra.

 Audits be damned, these people want to sass the IRS.

 The California worker, who asked not to be identified by name, recalls one
taxpayer sending in a 1040 that had clearly been used as toilet tissue.

 Unfazed, the IRS laminated the form and then went ahead and processed it.

 Pete Sepp of the National Taxpayers Union warned that sassy taxpayers
invite the risk of a frivolous return penalty or even civil or criminal
prosecution.

 The tax law says a $500 frivolous return penalty can be assessed if a
return does not include enough information to figure the correct tax, or
contains substantially incorrect information.

 It also says: "You will have to pay the penalty if you filed this kind of
return because of a frivolous position on your part or a desire to delay or
interfere with the administration of federal income tax laws."

Source: Associated Press (c)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 22:56:14 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Technical Snags <clean>

 A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical
 malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation
 and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the
 pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course
 to steer to the airport.

 The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a
 handwritten sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The
 pilot's sign said "WHERE AM I?" in large letters.

 People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft,
 drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their
 sign said "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."

 The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course
 to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.

 After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how
 the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

 The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building
 because they gave me a technically correct, but completely useless answer."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 18:49:23 +0100
From:    DiSc <schuhmad@TCD.IE>
Subject: <No subject given>

Subject: Cowboy stories (adult)
__________________________________________
This is my first contribution. I hope you like it...


Three cowboys were sitting around a campfire, each with a tale of
bravado for which cowboys are famous. I must be the meanest, toughest
cowboy there is, the first cowboy says. Why just the other day, a bull
got loose in the corral and gored 6 men down before I wrestled it to the
ground, by the horns, with my bare hands.
The second cowboy couldn't stand to be bested. Why that's nothing, I was
walking down the trail yesterday when a 15 ft rattler made a move for me.
I grabbed it with my bare hands, bit its head off and sucked down all its
poison.
All this time the third cowboy remained silent and the first two turned to
look at him as he slowly stoked the red-hot coals with his penis.


------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 21:53:46 -0400
From:    Sampath Samarasinghe <rmsamar@EMIRATES.NET.AE>
Subject: Hosni's wife <slightly rude>

I heard this from an Egyptian. Apparently they hate their president, which
gives rise to all these jokes about him.
-----------------------------

Hosni Mubarak and his wife in Rio de Janeiro on vaction. When there's no-one
around, they decide to make love on the beach. Unfortunately some of Rio's
finest catch them in their birthday suits and arrest them for 'lewd conduct'.

Now Hosni's not too enthusiastic about being arrested so he asks the police
officer whether a simple fine wouldn't do. The police officer agrees to this
and asks Hosni whether it's his first offence. He then proceeds to write up
a ticket for Hosni for the sum of 100 cruzeiros (Brazilian currency), and a
ticket for Hosni's wife for the sum of 300 cruzeiros.

Hosni asks the police officer why he's getting a 100 cruzeiro fine, while
his wife is getting a 300 cruzeiro fine.

The cop tells him that since it's a first offence, it's only 100 cruzes, his
wife on the other hand, she's been caught twice before.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 14:37:48 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: STUPID SPORTS QUOTES

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500 SAT to get
in.  I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to and from class"
>>>>> - George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
>>>>> - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
>>>>> - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach  >>>>>

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to
make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through
in school."
>>>>> -Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman
because of academic requirements

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?  He went to prison for three
years, not Princeton."
>>>>> -Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter
Don King

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@#
clothes."
>>>>>Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a
color photo of himself above his locker

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
>>>>> -Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his
visit to Greece

"The ballparks have gotten too crowded.  That's why nobody goes to see the
game anymore."
>>>>> -Yogi Berra

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
>>>>>  -Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius.  A genius is a guy like Norman
Einstein."
>>>>> -Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann  >>>>>

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 15:48:06 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Humor from an ashram <India>

Provided by: "Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan" <murthy_sk@hotmail.com>

At an ashram somewhere in India, a famous godman is
conducting a prayer cum meeting session. Some devotees
are overwhelmed by his presence and in order to get
a closer `darshan'(look) break the security cordon.  The
godman, who gets a bit scared is calmed by his security
guards, as these devotees shout their praises above the
chants of the rest.

Woman:       Swamy ji, you make gold appear out of nowhere.
             I think that is great.

Monkey:      Swamy ji, you make banana appear out of nowhere.
             I think that is great.
             (There is a ventriloquist in the crowd)

Child:       Swamy ji, you make Cadbury's chocolate appear
             out of nowhere. Me thinks that is great.

Balding man: Swamy ji , If you can tell me what you do for
             dandruff, that would be really great..

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 17:14:29 -0400
From:    Megan Taylor <LuvlyFreak@AOL.COM>
Subject: Term Paper Dictionary

*File Description: Term Paper Dictionary*


     THEY WRITE                        THEY MEAN

     It has long been known that...    I haven't bothered to look up the
     reference

     ....of great theoretical and       ...interesting to me
     practical importance

     While it has not been possible    The experiments didn't work out,
     to provide definite answers to    but I figured I could at least get
     these questions...                a publication out of it...

     The W-Pb system was chosen as     The fellow in the next lab had some
     especially suitable to show       already made up
     the predicted behavior...

     High purity...                    Composition unknown except for
     Very high purity...               exaggerated claims of the supplier
     Extremely high purity...
     Super-purity...
     Spectroscopically pure...

     A fiducial reference line...      A scratch

     Three of the samples were         The results of the others didn't
     make
     chosen for detailed study...      sense and were ignored...

     ....handled with extreme care      ...not dropped on the floor
     during the experiments

     Typical results are shown...      The best results are shown...

     Although some detail has been     It is impossible to tell from the
     lost in reproduction, it is       micrograph
     clear from the original
     micrograph

     Presumably at longer times...     I didn't take the time to find out

     The agreement with the predicted
     curve is:

     excellent                         fair

     good                              poor

     satisfactory                      doubtful

     fair                              imaginary

     ....as good as could be expected   non-existent

     These results will be reported    I might get around to this sometime
     at a later date

     The most reliable values are      He was a student of mine
     those of Jones

     It is suggested that...
     It is believed that...            I think...
     It may be that...

     It is generally believed that...  I have such a good objection to this
                                       answer that I shall now raise it.

     It is clear that much additional  I don't understand it
     work will be required before a
     complete understanding...

     Unfortunately, a quantitative     Neither does anybody else
     theory to account for these
     effects has not been formulated

     Correct within an order of        Wrong
     magnitude

     It is hoped that this work        This paper isn't very good but
     will stimulate further work       neither are any of the others on
     in the field                      this miserable subject

     Thanks are due to Joe Glotz       Glotz did the work and Doe
     for assistance with the           explained what it meant
     experiments and to John Doe
     for valuable discussions

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 9 Apr 1997 17:14:30 -0400
From:    Megan Taylor <LuvlyFreak@AOL.COM>
Subject: Yo'Momma Jokes!

                  350 Yo' Mamma Jokes  (alphabetized)
                   [from the archive of TrashLaughs]
                      http://www.min.net/~dogbyte

Yo'momma armpits so hairy looks like she got Buckwheat in a headlock!
Yo'momma house so small her washcloth makes wall-to-wall carpeting.
Yo'momma house so small the doormat just says "WEL"
Yo'momma like Betty Crocker icing: Always ready to spread.
Yo'momma like Chinese food: Sweet sour and cheap!
Yo'momma like Crazy Eddie: She's practically giving it all away.
Yo'momma like a 7-11. On every corner and always open.
Yo'momma like a 7-UP: Never had it never will.
Yo'momma like a Christmas tree: Everybody hangs balls on her.
Yo'momma like a Denny's: Open 24 hours.
Yo'momma like a Toyota: "Oh what a feelin'!"
Yo'momma like a birthday cake: Everybody gets a piece.
Yo'momma like a bowling ball: You can fit three fingers in.
Yo'momma like a bubble gum machine: 25 cents a blow.
Yo'momma like a bus: Fifty cents and she's ready to ride!
Yo'momma like a bus: Guys climb on and off her all day long.
Yo'momma like a catsup bottle: Everyone gets a squeeze out of her!
Yo'momma like a door knob: Everyone gets a turn.
Yo'momma like a goalie: Changes pads after three periods.
Yo'momma like a golf course: Everyone gets a hole in one!
Yo'momma like a race car: She's always burning rubber.
Yo'momma like a railroad track: Gets laid all over the country.
Yo'momma like a refrigerator: Everyone puts their meat in!
Yo'momma like a revolving door: Everyone gets a turn.
Yo'momma like a screen door: After a couple bangs she loosens up!
Yo'momma like a shotgun: Give her a cock and she blows.
Yo'momma like a smokehouse: Always full of meat.
Yo'momma like a stamp: You lick her stick her then send her away.
Yo'momma like a stop sign: She's on every corner.
Yo'momma like a vacuum cleaner: A real good suck.
Yo'momma like a video game: Four men for a dollar!
Yo'momma like an Orange Crush: "Good Vibrations!"
Yo'momma like an ice cream cone: Everyone gets a lick.
Yo'momma like mustard: She spreads easy.
Yo'momma like potato chips: Fri-to Lay.
Yo'momma like the Pillsbury doughboy: Everyone gets a poke!
Yo'momma like the Stay Puffed Marshmallow Man: Everybody gets a piece.
Yo'momma pubic hair is so nappy the crabs ride dune buggies.
Yo'momma pussy so dry the crabs carry canteens.
Yo'momma so fat I had to roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.
Yo'momma so fat I had to slap her thigh and ride the wave in!
Yo'momma so fat I had to walk around her and got lost.
Yo'momma so fat I took her to a dance and the band skipped.
Yo'momma so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.
Yo'momma so fat McDonalds has to change their sign every time she eats.
Yo'momma so fat NASA has a satellite orbiting around her!
Yo'momma so fat after sex she smokes a turkey!
Yo'momma so fat at the zoo the elephants started throwing her peanuts!
Yo'momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo'momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo'momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels she strikes oil!
Yo'momma so fat her big toe got stuck in the catflap.
Yo'momma so fat her blood type is Ragu!
Yo'momma so fat her butt cheeks have different area codes.
Yo'momma so fat her butt looks like 2 pigs fightin' over Milkduds.
Yo'momma so fat her doctor's a grounds keeper.
Yo'momma so fat her high school picture was an aerial photograph.
Yo'momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white and chunky!
Yo'momma so fat her nickname is "damn".
Yo'momma so fat her picture fell off the wall!
Yo'momma so fat her tits are in two different time zones.
Yo'momma so fat her toes bleed when she walks!
Yo'momma so fat if she weighed 5 more pounds she'd get group insurance.
Yo'momma so fat if she'd died you'd have to take her out in two trips.
Yo'momma so fat it say on her driver's license Picture continued on back.
Yo'momma so fat it takes a forklift to help her stand up.
Yo'momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass!
Yo'momma so fat light gets stuck near her.
Yo'momma so fat mosquitoes see her and scream buffet!
Yo'momma so fat people jog around her for exercise.
Yo'momma so fat people use her dandruff as quilts.
Yo'momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo'momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo'momma so fat she can smell bacon frying in Canada!
Yo'momma so fat she can use Mt. Everest for a dildo.
Yo'momma so fat she can't reach her back pocket.
Yo'momma so fat she don't have cellulite she's got cellu-heavy!
Yo'momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo'momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo'momma so fat she fell in love and broke it!
Yo'momma so fat she gets stuck in her dreams!
Yo'momma so fat she got a run in her blue jeans.
Yo'momma so fat she got her baby pictures taken by satellite.
Yo'momma so fat she got hit by a parked car!
Yo'momma so fat she got hit by a truck and asked Who threw that rock?
Yo'momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets.
Yo'momma so fat she had a run in her jeans!
Yo'momma so fat she had her ears pierced by harpoon.
Yo'momma so fat she had stretch marks when she was a virgin.
Yo'momma so fat she had to get out of bed to roll over.
Yo'momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
Yo'momma so fat she has a part-time job as a trampoline!
Yo'momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors.
Yo'momma so fat she has her own area code!
Yo'momma so fat she has her own brand of jeans: FA - FatAss Jeans.
Yo'momma so fat she has her own gravity.
Yo'momma so fat she has more rolls than a Mary Jane truck.
Yo'momma so fat she has shocks on her toilet seat.
Yo'momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets!
Yo'momma so fat she has to go outside to put on deodorant.
Yo'momma so fat she has to go outside to sit around the house.
Yo'momma so fat she has to lay down to tie her shoe.
Yo'momma so fat she has to use hoola-hoops to hold her socks up.
Yo'momma so fat she hides her goiter with her chin.
Yo'momma so fat she influences the tides.
Yo'momma so fat she irons her clothes in the driveway!
Yo'momma so fat she jumped for joy and got stuck.
Yo'momma so fat she keeps her diaphragm in a pizza box.
Yo'momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen!
Yo'momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
Yo'momma so fat she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up.
Yo'momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Yo'momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo'momma so fat she shaves her legs with a lawn mower.
Yo'momma so fat she shows up on radar.
Yo'momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo'momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made skidmarks!
Yo'momma so fat she steps on a scale and it goes one at a time please.
Yo'momma so fat she takes baths in swimming pools.
Yo'momma so fat she thinks Church`s Chicken`s a holy place.
Yo'momma so fat she thinks a balanced meal is a ham in each hand.
Yo'momma so fat she thought gravy was a beverage.
Yo'momma so fat she uses a VCR as a beeper!
Yo'momma so fat she uses a mattress as a maxi-pad.
Yo'momma so fat she uses a mattress as a tampon.
Yo'momma so fat she uses a pillow case as a sock.
Yo'momma so fat she uses a satellite dish as a diaphragm.
Yo'momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth.
Yo'momma so fat she uses the freeway as a Slip n' Slide!
Yo'momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo'momma so fat she was Miss Arizona -- class Battleship.
Yo'momma so fat she was zoned for commercial development.
Yo'momma so fat she wears a microwave for a beeper!
Yo'momma so fat she wears two watches because she's in two time zones!
Yo'momma so fat she went to the beach and sold shade!
Yo'momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone!
Yo'momma so fat she went to the salad bar and pulled up a chair.
Yo'momma so fat she won Miss Bessie the Cow @YEAR@.
Yo'momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo'momma so fat she's got her own post code.
Yo'momma so fat she's got her own zip code!
Yo'momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo'momma so fat she's in two time zones at the same time!
Yo'momma so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo'momma so fat she's sits on coal and farts out a diamond.
Yo'momma so fat she's works in the movies -- as the screen.
Yo'momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her.
Yo'momma so fat the airline charges her round trip for each flight.
Yo'momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo'momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear Caution! Wide Turn.
Yo'momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo'momma so fat they invented super extra strength ultra SlimFast.
Yo'momma so fat they mistake her for a country.
Yo'momma so fat to her light food means under 4 Tons.
Yo'momma so fat to lose a few pounds she takes off her girdle.
Yo'momma so fat when I got on top of her my ears popped.
Yo'momma so fat when a cop saw her he told her Hey you two break it up!
Yo'momma so fat when her beeper goes off people think she's backing up.
Yo'momma so fat when she bungee jumps she brings down the bridge too.
Yo'momma so fat when she bungee jumps she goes straight down to hell.
Yo'momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo'momma so fat when she falls it measures on the Richter scale!
Yo'momma so fat when she fell in love she broke it!
Yo'momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo'momma so fat when she goes to parties people scream Kool-Aid!
Yo'momma so fat when she has sex she has to give directions!
Yo'momma so fat when she has to haul ass it takes two trips!
Yo'momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo'momma so fat when she moons people they turn into Werewolves.
Yo'momma so fat when she puts her foot down she clears rain forests.
Yo'momma so fat when she sings, it's over!
Yo'momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo'momma so fat when she sweats everyone around her wears raincoats!
Yo'momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th.
Yo'momma so fat when she turns around its her birthday.
Yo'momma so fat when she turns around they throw her a welcome-back party.
Yo'momma so fat when she walks in high heels she strikes oil.
Yo'momma so fat when she walks she leaves snail tracks....
Yo'momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say "Taxi!"
Yo'momma so fat when she wears her X jacket helicopters try to land.
Yo'momma so fat when she wears red all the kids scream Koolaid!
Yo'momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo'momma so fat when you put her in a Jacuzzi she makes her own gravy!
Yo'momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo'momma so fat you can slap her thighs and ride the waves in!
Yo'momma so fat you can't tell if she is coming or going...
Yo'momma so fat you couldn't tell where her boobs end and her arms begin.
Yo'momma so fat you gotta slam her thigh and ride the wave...
Yo'momma so fat you have to roll over twice to get off of her.
Yo'momma so fat your family portrait has stretch marks.
Yo'momma so generous that she would give all her money to a bum.
Yo'momma so nasty when your daddy ate her pussy he got food poisoning.
Yo'momma so poor she was kickin a can, and said she was "moving!"
Yo'momma so pretty that I would love to fuck her in the ass without lube.
Yo'momma so short she trips on spit.
Yo'momma so small she gotta hang glide on a Dorito.
Yo'momma so stinky she can knock a buzzard off a' shit wagon!
Yo'momma so stinky she make Right Guard turn left!
Yo'momma so stupid I saw her standing on an empty bus.
Yo'momma so stupid her brain cells are on the endangered species list.
Yo'momma so stupid her brain cells die alone.
Yo'momma so stupid it take her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes.
Yo'momma so stupid it take her a day to cook a 3 minute egg.
Yo'momma so stupid it take her a half hour to make minute rice.
Yo'momma so stupid it take her a month to get rid of the 7 day itch.
Yo'momma so stupid it take her a week to get rid of a 24 hour virus.
Yo'momma so stupid she asked for a price check at the $1.00 store.
Yo'momma so stupid she asked for help to use hamburger helper.
Yo'momma so stupid she asked you what is the number for 911.
Yo'momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo'momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo'momma so stupid she called a 7-11 to ask when they closed!
Yo'momma so stupid she called the cocaine hot line to order some.
Yo'momma so stupid she cooked her own complimentary breakfast.
Yo'momma so stupid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo'momma so stupid she couldn't read an audio book.
Yo'momma so stupid she gets lost in thought.
Yo'momma so stupid she got hit by a cup and told cops she got mugged.
Yo'momma so stupid she got hit by a parked car.
Yo'momma so stupid she got locked in Food Mart and half starved.
Yo'momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shootout.
Yo'momma so stupid she got stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.
Yo'momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl.
Yo'momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo'momma so stupid she returned a puzzle complaining it was broken!
Yo'momma so stupid she sat on a window ledge thinking she'd get framed.
Yo'momma so stupid she saw a sign that said Wet Floor so she did!
Yo'momma so stupid she sits on the TV and watches the couch!
Yo'momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yo'momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo'momma so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo'momma so stupid she thought Fleetwood Mac was a new hamburger at
McDonalds!
Yo'momma so stupid she thought Johnny Cash was a pay toilet!
Yo'momma so stupid she thought Lionel Riche was a kid with trians.
Yo'momma so stupid she thought O.J. Simpson some kind of fruit juice.
Yo'momma so stupid she thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company.
Yo'momma so stupid she thought Taco Bell was where to pay a phone bill.
Yo'momma so stupid she thought a hot meal is stolen food.
Yo'momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was a refund!
Yo'momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was change.
Yo'momma so stupid she thought gangrene was another golf course.
Yo'momma so stupid she thought innuendo was an Italian suppository.
Yo'momma so stupid she thought manual labor was a Mexican!
Yo'momma so stupid she thought menopause was a button on the stereo.
Yo'momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on soul Train.
Yo'momma so stupid she thought socialism means partying!
Yo'momma so stupid she thought softball was a venereal disease!
Yo'momma so stupid she took a job cutting grass offshore.
Yo'momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo'momma so stupid she took a shower and got brain-washed.
Yo'momma so stupid she took a spoon to the super bowl.
Yo'momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo'momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo'momma so stupid she tried to commit suicide and jumped off the curb.
Yo'momma so stupid she tried to hang herself with a cordless phone.
Yo'momma so stupid she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo'momma so stupid she tripped over a cordless phone!
Yo'momma so stupid she watches The Three Stooges and takes notes.
Yo'momma so stupid she went swimming to a car pool.
Yo'momma so stupid she went to Alpha Beta and asked to buy a vowel.
Yo'momma so stupid she went to Dodger stadium and drowned in the waves.
Yo'momma so stupid she went to a Clippers game to get a hair cut.
Yo'momma so stupid she went to a Whalers game to see Shamu.
Yo'momma so stupid she wrote `M, F, sometimes Wed' under "SEX?"
Yo'momma so stupid when she saw a sign that said Wet Floor she did!
Yo'momma so ugly I heard that your dad first met her at the pound.
Yo'momma so ugly I wouldn't fuck her with a stolen dick.
Yo'momma so ugly I've seen cow pies I'd rather do it with.
Yo'momma so ugly Ted Dansen wouldn't date her!
Yo'momma so ugly a fly wouldn't sit on her.
Yo'momma so ugly even rice krispies won't talk to her!
Yo'momma so ugly her dentist treats her by mail!
Yo'momma so ugly her doctor is a veterinarian.
Yo'momma so ugly her face is closed on weekends!
Yo'momma so ugly her face is like a melted willy.
Yo'momma so ugly her momma had to be drunk to breast feed her.
Yo'momma so ugly her nickname is Damn!
Yo'momma so ugly her vibrator turned limp!
Yo'momma so ugly if she joined an ugly contest they'd say sorry no.
Yo'momma so ugly if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects!
Yo'momma so ugly it looks like she sleeps on a bed of nails face down!
Yo'momma so ugly not even her Rice Crispies will talk to her!
Yo'momma so ugly people go as her for Halloween.
Yo'momma so ugly she can turn Madusa to stone.
Yo'momma so ugly she could curdle urine.
Yo'momma so ugly she could gag a maggot on a gutwagon.
Yo'momma so ugly she could make a freight train take a gravel road.
Yo'momma so ugly she could scare a dog off a meat truck.
Yo'momma so ugly she could scare a hungry wolf off a meat truck.
Yo'momma so ugly she could scare the chrome off a bumper!
Yo'momma so ugly she could scare the moss off a rock!
Yo'momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo'momma so ugly she gives Freddy Krueger nightmares!
Yo'momma so ugly she had a face that would sink a thousand ships.
Yo'momma so ugly she had to get her baby drunk to breast feed it!
Yo'momma so ugly she has to get her vibrator drunk first.
Yo'momma so ugly she has to sneak up on a cup of water!
Yo'momma so ugly she has to sneak up on a hurricane to catch a breeze.
Yo'momma so ugly she has to sneak up on her mirror.
Yo'momma so ugly she has to trick or treat over the phone.
Yo'momma so ugly she is very successful at her job: Being a scarecrow.
Yo'momma so ugly she just got a job at the airport sniffing for drugs.
Yo'momma so ugly she looks like a Bulldog licking piss off a thistle.
Yo'momma so ugly she looks like she's been bobbing for French fries!
Yo'momma so ugly she looks like the elephant man chewing on a wasp.
Yo'momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo'momma so ugly she make my ass pucker.
Yo'momma so ugly she make onions cry.
Yo'momma so ugly she practices birth control by leaving the lights on!
Yo'momma so ugly she puts on her makeup in the dark!
Yo'momma so ugly she scares the roaches away.
Yo'momma so ugly she tried to take a bath and the water jumped out.
Yo'momma so ugly she turned Medusa to stone!
Yo'momma so ugly she walked past a mirror and it exploded.
Yo'momma so ugly she won't even play with herself!
Yo'momma so ugly she wore a pork chop to get the dog to play.
Yo'momma so ugly she'd make a freight train take a dirt road.
Yo'momma so ugly she'd scare a buzzard off a gut wagon.
Yo'momma so ugly she's the cover girl for iodine.
Yo'momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo'momma so ugly that when she looks at a glass of milk it turns to cheese.
Yo'momma so ugly the NHL banned her for life.
Yo'momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo'momma so ugly the psychiatrist makes her lie face down.
Yo'momma so ugly the tide won't even take her out.
Yo'momma so ugly they filmed Gorillas in the Mist in her shower.
Yo'momma so ugly they only wanted her feet for the freak show.
Yo'momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Yo'momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo'momma so ugly they put her in dough and made monster cookies!
Yo'momma so ugly they threw her away and kept the afterbirth.
Yo'momma so ugly they turn off the cameras when she walks into a bank!
Yo'momma so ugly they used her in prisons to cure sex offenders!!
Yo'momma so ugly when I first saw her, my momma was nauseous.
Yo'momma so ugly when a baby, she was breast fed through a straw!
Yo'momma so ugly when a child, she had to be fed with a slingshot!
Yo'momma so ugly when she cries the tears run up her face.
Yo'momma so ugly when she goes to the beach the tide won't come in!
Yo'momma so ugly when she sits in the sand the cat tries to bury her.
Yo'momma so ugly when she walk by the bathroom the toilet flushes.
Yo'momma so ugly when she walk into a bank they turn the cameras off!
Yo'momma so ugly when she was born her incubator windows were tinted.
Yo'momma so ugly when she was born the doctor slapped her momma!
Yo'momma so ugly when she was born the windows in her incubator were tinted.
Yo'momma so ugly when she went to jump in the lake the lake jumped back!
Yo'momma so ugly when you look up ugly in the dictionary it has her picture.
Yo'momma so ugly yo daddy rather kiss her ass than look in her face.
Yo'momma so ugly you could tell the face only 'cuz it had ears.
Yo'momma so ugly zookeepers said thanks for bringin' the bitch back!
Yo'momma such a wonderful person and we are blessed that God created her.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Apr 1997 - Special issue
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