HUMOR Digest - 8 Apr 1997 to 9 Apr 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 306 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Office Tips (clean, part 2/2)
  2. The Office
  3. 3 Eskimos (not too offensive)
  4. Star Wars & Sex <mildly adult>
  5. Law on the March
  6. Religious light bulbs
  7. Watch Where You Step
  8. Anti-Smoking Campaign <adult humor>
  9. Engineering School

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Date:    Tue, 8 Apr 1997 11:23:48 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Office Tips (clean, part 2/2)

How to keep the office on its toes...

     Put on your headphones on whenever the boss comes into the office. Talk
in a loud voice.  Remove your headphones when he or she leaves.
     When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I
think my phone is ringing" and leave.  Go get a coffee.
     Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."
     Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
     Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
     Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair.  Talk
into your daytimer.
     "Hi-lite" your shoes.  Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes
since you did this.
     Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.
     Email nude GIFs (graphic image files) of yourself to your coworkers.
Tell them you got them off the Internet.
     Hang mistletoe over your desk.
     Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal note,
I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased
to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night."
     Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite right
as special treats for your co-workers.
     While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in "Palmolive".
     Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
     Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge.
Try to pass them off as your children.
     For a relaxing break,  get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in
the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you
can catch in your mouth.
     Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the
lunchroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat
your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that."
     See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then
start planting pizzas.
     Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over
their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
     "When you go to a party at somebody's house, don't automatically assume
that the drinks are free.  Ask, and ask often."
=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

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Date:    Tue, 8 Apr 1997 05:33:44 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The Office

*   My boss came in one morning and caught me hugging my secretary.
  He said in a rage, "Is this what you get paid for ?"
    I told him, "Nope !  I do this for free."
                                - - - - -

* This same boss was into all this dumb inspirational and motivation
  stuff too.  I remember once he posted a sign which read "Today is
  the tomorrow you worried about yesterday."  I couldn't resist and
  added a note: "And now you know why too".
                                - - - - -

*   Once I came upon this pretty new temp standing in front of the
  paper shredder with a confused look on her face.  I asked if she
  needed any help and she said, "Yeah, how does this thing work ?"
    I took the papers from her hand and demonstrated how to work
  the shredder.  She stood there a moment with yet another confused
  expression, so I said, "Any questions ?"
    She said, "Yeah, exactly where do the copies come out from ?"
                                - - - - -

* People always say that hard work never killed anybody.  Oh yeah ???
  When's the last time ya ever heard of anyone who "rested to death".
                                - - - - -

* Being punctual in our Office was of no benefit what-so-ever.  There
  was never anybody around to appreciate it.
                                - - - - -

* Our Office was always on the cutting edge of technology.  Not only
  did we have computers which spoke as well as listened; Hell, some
  of them even got ulcers.
                                - - - - -

* Did ya ever notice the people who complain the most about not having
  enough time to do all their work are the same ones who always stop &
  tell everyone that they don't have enuff time to do all their work.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Apr 1997 07:46:01 -0400
From:    Mark Morris <Whrek@AOL.COM>
Subject: 3 Eskimos (not too offensive)

  There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at
their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how
cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was
the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.
   They went to the first Eskimo's igloo, where he said "Watch this!" and
poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell
onto the floor. "Not bad" said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their
igloo was colder still.
   So they went to the second Eskimo's igloo, and he said "Watch this!" and
took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and
fell to the floor. "Wow, that's colder than mine!"said the first Eskimo. But
the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still.
   So they ended up at the third Eskimo's igloo. He said "Watch this!" and
went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of
several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a
match under it. When it heated up enough, it went "FFFAAAARRRRTTT".
    He won.

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Date:    Tue, 8 Apr 1997 15:02:50 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Star Wars & Sex <mildly adult>

So you have queued 2 1/2 hours to watch Star Wars, the Special
Edition, you have played all the Star Wars games. You get goosebumps
when you hear the score. That's cool. But have you thought for a
moment what are the sexual preferences of the main characters? No?
Well, this is how I see them:

  LUKE SKYWALKER
Luke is gay. Relates to older men and ugly trolls. Has a crush on
Han Solo. Is nice to Leia, but calls her "a nice chap", behind
her back.
  DARTH VADER
Gay. Has a slave/master relationship with the Emperor, and
covets younger men, particularly Luke.
  THE EMPEROR
Ditto.
  BEN
An old fruit. Darth Vader was his lover, but they split and now they fight
all the time, using a combination of a vibrator and a torchlight.
  LEIA
A complete floozy. Makes a pass at Luke in the first episode, which made
him become totally gay. Seduces Han Solo and has a tryst with Chewbacca.
Has an SM session with Darth Vader.
  C3-PO and R2-D2
C3-PO has always been believed to be camp. Him and R2-D2 have married
in Aldebaran 3, where the law allows marriages of robotic life forms
of the same sexual inclination.
  HAN SOLO
Bisexual. Very faithful to Chewbacca, on the male side. Promiscous
with females. Sleeps with LEIA, by default, as she is he only female
in the trilogy.
  YODA
Relates only to men, preferably young. Yuk.
  JABBA THE HUT
Heterosexual. Some strange tastes, but definitely straight.
  THE EWOKS
Pathetically straight. Wives, children.... boring.
  THE STORM TROOPERS
Kinky, wear pieces of plastic, possibly into SM.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Apr 1997 09:42:25 -0400
From:    Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March

Got Change for a Yak

The price of Islamic justice is high, at least in Chechnyan courts. An ethnic
court in this sourthern Russian province ruled that a man who killed another
man in a traffic accident had to pay the victim's relatives 63 camels. This
penalty was based on the advice of a consultant who had spent eight years in
Afghanistan. Problem was, there aren't any camels in Chechnya. The judge
decided it was all right to pay in bulls, which the province has. That made
the value of the payment $630,000, a sum the driver could never have raised.
Back to the bench to revise the award again. The final payment was $360.

Source: ABA Journal

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Date:    Tue, 8 Apr 1997 14:10:53 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Religious light bulbs

Q. How many Southern Baptists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. About 16,000,000. However, they are badly divided over whether
   changing the bulb is a fundamental need or not.

Q. How many televangelists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Honestly, we're not sure. But for the message of change to continue
   to go out, please keep those letters and checks coming.

Q. How many Episcopalians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Four. One to change the bulb. One to bless the elements. One to
   pour the sherry. And one to offer a toast to the old lightbulb.

Q. How many United Church of Christ members does it take to change a
   lightbulb?
A. Eleven. One to change the lightbulb. And ten more to organize a
   covered dish supper that will follow the changing of the bulb service.

Q. How many Lutherans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. There is some question here. But we have it on good authority that
   they have appointed a committee to study the issue and report back to
   their next meeting.

Q. How many Charismatics does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Five. One to change the bulb and four to bind the spirit of
   darkness in the room.

Q. How many Presbyterians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. Are you kidding? They don't change burned out lightbulbs. After
   all, it was predestined to burn out. How can you fight
   predestination?

Q. How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb?
A. What's a lightbulb?

Q.  How many Unitarians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A.  300--12 to sit on the Board which appoints the Nominating and Personnel
    Committee.  5 to sit on the the Nominating and Personnel Committee which
    appoints the House Committtee.  8 to sit on the House Committtee which
    appoints the Light Bulb changing committee.  4 to sit on the Light Bulb
    Changing Committee which chooses who will screw in the Light Bulb--those
    4 then give their own opinion of "screwing in methods" while the one
    actually does the installation. After completion it takes 100 individuals
    to complain about the method of installation and another 177 to debate
    the ecological impact of using the light bulb at all.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Apr 1997 15:47:24 -0400
From:    Bill Crawford <bill@ERIN.MV.COM>
Subject: Watch Where You Step

Two male flies are buzzing around on a farm when they see a female fly
sitting on a freshly laid mound of horse flop. They look at each other and
one of the male flies says," I'm going after that pretty little miss, ....
wish me luck!"

So he swoops down onto another freshly laid pile right next to the female,
fly and says, "Excuse me, is this stool taken?"

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Date:    Tue, 8 Apr 1997 19:19:08 -0400
From:    Megan Taylor <LuvlyFreak@AOL.COM>
Subject: Anti-Smoking Campaign <adult humor>

NEW ANTI-SMOKING CAMPAIGN:


"You really shouldn't smoke," the new client said to the hooker. "It
stunts your growth."  The woman blew a smoke ring, looked down at his
privates and said, "Yeah, and what's your excuse?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------
A first grader comes home and tells his dad that he just have sex with
his first grade teacher. The dad congradulates him and says i didnt have
sex with my teacher since 9th grade. He says to his son you know that
bike you always wanted well lets go to the store and buy it. The boy
says "dad can we wait till tomorrow, my butt is still kind of sore."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
This Ron is eating out his girlfriend when someone knocks at his door.
"oh damn!" He says, because he has blood on his face. "Just say you were
eating a jam sandwich," says his girlfriend. So he goes the door and
some guy at the door says "hey, why do you have all that blood on your
face?" To this the Ron replies "Oh, I was just eating a jam sandwich.."
"oh", says the man at the door,"well you've got some peanut butter on
your chin, too!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 8 Apr 1997 17:54:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Engineering School

TOP TEN THINGS ENGINEERING SCHOOL DIDN'T TEACH YOU

10. There are at least 10 types of capacitors.
9. Theory tells you how a circuit works, not why it does not work.
8. Not everything works according to the specs in the databook.
7. Anything practical you learn will be obsolete before you use it, except
the complex math, which you will never use.
6. Always try to fix the hardware with software.
5. Engineering is like having an 8 a.m. class and a late afternoon lab
every day for the rest of your life.
4. Overtime pay? What overtime pay?
3. Managers, not engineers, rule the world.
2. If you like junk food, caffeine and all-nighters, go into software.

..and the number one thing...

1. Dilbert is not a comic strip, it's a documentary.

---
A job is nice but it interferes with my life.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Apr 1997 to 9 Apr 1997
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