HUMOR Digest - 7 Apr 1997 to 8 Apr 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 503 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Moore on Wives
  2. Office Tips (clean, part 1/2)
  3. caught in the act <mildly risque--no off lang>
  4. Humor -- Is Your Libido Flagging?
  5. HUMOR Digest - 3 Apr 1997 to 4 Apr 1997
  6. stranded engineer (off. to engineers)
  7. The Witch < Bad word >
  8. Cult Suicide <off cult members>
  9. Wanna be in the mafia
 10. Humor: State Mottos

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Date:    Mon, 7 Apr 1997 02:56:18 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore on Wives

* I've noticed the strangest thing about men who hang out in bars a
  lot.  It seems they have only one of two reasons to be there: They
  have no wife to go home to... or they do.
                                - - - - -

*   I saw in the paper the other day that there's a serious shortage
  of men in Washington DC.  I commented on this fact to my wife and
  told her I might just go there.  I added that the article said that
  men could earn $50 a nite easily as a gigolo.
     She smiled and said, "And exactly how do you intend to live on
  $150 a month ?"
                                - - - - -

* My wife sez she holds me responsible for most of our martial problems.
  Just goes to show ya how much she knows -- I'm never home.
                                - - - - -

* I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me; my firm,
  trim body or my intellect.  She said, "Your sense of humor dear."
                                - - - - -

* I found the neatest way to make my wife a more careful and defensive
  driver.  I pointed out that if she's ever in an accident, the paper's
  gonna print her real age.
                                - - - - -

* My wife came home from the doctor's the other day and said that he told
  her she couldn't make love.  Now, I'm wondering exactly how he found out.
                                - - - - -

* Sometimes women say the strangest things when ya get them all upset and
  flustered.  Just the other day my wife put her hands on her hips and
  said "You're only interested in one thing, and you can't even remember
  what the hell it is !"
                                - - - - -

* My wife is so talented.  She does the best bird imitations. She watches
  me like a hawk.

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Date:    Mon, 7 Apr 1997 12:37:19 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Office Tips (clean, part 1/2)

How to keep the office on it's toes...

     Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're
waiting for your document.
     Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time
for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the
meeting eat 5 entire raw potatoes.
     Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com"
     Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
     Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want
fries with that.
     Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about
the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a
co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
     Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)
     Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're
all present.
     Come to work in your pajamas.
     Put a picture of your mother on your business card.
     Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always
wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if
your boss is a different gender than you are.)
     Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by
these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have
to disagree with you there, Chachi."
     Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.
     Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all
reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures
yourself.)
     Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
     Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair
dancing.
     Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's
Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.
     Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing.
For example "If anyone needs me >>>>I'll be in the bathroom."
     No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."
     Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."
     Plant a hedge around your cubicle.
     Some of us already using this one>>> Grow mold in your coffee cup.
     Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.
=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Apr 1997 09:34:12 -0400
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: caught in the act <mildly risque--no off lang>

A man was cavorting with a married lady, having his way with her in the Greek
manner, when the husband unexpectedly returned home.  "What are you doing?!!"
the cuckholded hubby thundered from the doorway.
     The interloper kept his cool and didn't even disengage, merely turned
and, looking over his shoulder, addressed the husband by saying, "Sir, I'm a
doctor.  Your wife isn't feeling well, and I made a house call.  I am taking
her temperature rectally."
     "Yeah?" the husband challenged.  "Well, when you pull that thing out, it
better have numbers on it!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Apr 1997 11:04:07 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Humor -- Is Your Libido Flagging?

EDINBURGH, Scotland -- Middle-aged men seeking to enhance their love lives
with hormone patches or pills would be better off giving up alcohol and
going jogging, a psychologist said Sunday at a conference.

 Lorraine Boul of Sheffield University said that for the vast majority of
middle-aged men there was no evidence they would benefit from testosterone
replacement, but increasingly "baby boomer" men who believed in
technological quick fixes wanted an instant answer to flagging libido.

Source: Houston Chronicle

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Apr 1997 21:20:42 GMT+2
From:    "M.Schyff" <schyffm@KBPNFS03.ESKOM.CO.ZA>
Subject: Re: HUMOR Digest - 3 Apr 1997 to 4 Apr 1997

>This is an oldie, but a goodie, remembered from a long time ago:


many years ago, a girl was run over by her father's tractor when she was
very little, and, as a result, ended up with a peg-leg which has to be
replaced every few years, as she was growing up.

her father was not a rich man, he was barely able to keep his family
fed, and he would carve his daughter a new peg-leg, when she needed a
replacement.  the girl became very self-conscious about the peg-leg, and
never went out with any of her friends, as they start growing up and
dating boys.  It wasn't that the girl was unable to get around normally,
it's just that many children of the town were repulsed by the sight of a
peg-leg.

now in this same town, it turns out that the son of the blacksmith [who
just happens to be the same age as the girl in this story] had one of
his eyes put out by a spark flying from his father's hearth, also when
he was a little boy.

the blacksmith, as luck would have it, was also very poor, since it was
already becoming the age of the automobile, and there was little call
for his services, any more.  they struggled as best they could just to
feed themselves, so the smithy carved his son a wooden eye, which would
have to do until the boy grew up, got a job, and was able to afford a
better one for himself.

never having had many opportunities to date, neither of these two
unfortunate youths was very adept at social graces.  Finally, however,
there was the big high school dance. everyone was invited to attend, and
there was a chance that either of them might find someone to call a
special friend.

as the night progressed, however, it became painfully apparent to each
of them that neither was going to be asked to dance or join in the rest
of the festivities.

finally, the smithy's son decided that he would ask the farmer's
daughter to dance. he plucked up his courage, walked over to where she
was sitting, and asked her the big question, "would you care to dance?"

elated beyond her limited experience, she stood up and replied, "*WOULD*
I?!?!?!"

furious, he jumped back, pointed at her, and shouted, "PEG-LEG!!!
PEG-LEG!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Apr 1997 19:39:06 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: stranded engineer (off. to engineers)

   There was this male engineer, considered very
   smart and and resourceful by his male bosses,
   on a cruise ship in the Caribbean for the first
   time.  It was wonderful, the experience of his
   lifetime.  He was waited on hand and foot.
   But, it did not last.  A hurricane came upon
   them unexpectedly.  The ship went down almost
   instantly.

   The man found himself somehow swept up on the
   shore of an island. There was nothing else
   anywhere to be seen.  No people, no supplies,
   nothing .  The man looked around.  There were some
   bananas and coconuts, but that was it.  He was
   desperate and forlorn, but decided to make the best
   of it. So for the next four months he ate bananas,
   drank coconut juice and mostly looked to the sea
   for a ship to come to his rescue.

   One day, as he was lying on the beach stroking his
   beard and looking for a ship, he spotted movement
   out of the corner of his eye.  Could it be true,
   was it a ship?  No, from around the corner of the
   island came this rowboat. In it was the most
   gorgeous woman he had ever seen, or at least seen
   in 4 months. She was tall, tanned, and blond hair
   flowing in the sea breeze.  She spotted him also
   as he was waving and yelling and screaming to get
   her attention. She rowed her boat towards him. In
   disbelief, he asked, "Where did you come from?
   How did you get here?"

   She said, "I rowed from the other side of the
   island.  I landed on this island when my cruise
   ship sank." "Amazing," he said, "I didn't know
   anyone else had survived.  How many of you are
   there?  Where did you get the rowboat?  You must
   have been really lucky to have a rowboat wash-up
   with you?"

  "It is only me," she said, "and the rowboat didn't
   wash up, nothing else did."

   "Well then," said the man, "how did you get the
   rowboat?"

   "I made the rowboat out of raw material that I
   found on the island," replied the woman.  "The
   oars were whittled from Gum tree branches, I wove
   the bottom from Palm branches, and the sides and
   stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."

   "But, but," asked the man, "what about tools and
   hardware, how did you do that?"

   "Oh, no problem," replied the woman, "on the south
   side of the island there is a very unusual strata
   of alluvial rock exposed. I found that if I fired
   it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted
   into forgeable ductile iron. I used that for
   tools, and used the tools to make the hardware.
   But, enough of that," she said. "Where do you
   live?"

   At last the man was forced to confess that he had
   been sleeping on the beach.

   "Well, let's row over to my place," she said.  So
   they both got into the rowboat and left for her
   side of island. The woman easily rowed them around
   to a wharf that led to the approach to her place.
   She tied up the rowboat with a beautifully woven
   hemp rope. They walked up a stone walk and around
   a Palm tree; there stood an exquisite bungalow
   painted in blue and white.

   "It's not much," she said, "but I call it home.
   Sit down please; would you like to have a drink?"

   "No," said the man, "one more coconut juice and
   I'll puke." "It won't be coconut juice," the woman
   replied.  "I have a still, how about a Pina
   Colada?"  Trying to hide his continued amazement,
   the man accepted, and they sat down on her couch
   to talk. After a while, and they had exchanged
   their stories, the woman asked, "Tell me, have you
   always had a beard?"

   "No," the man replied, "I was clean shaven all of
   my life, and even on the cruise ship."

   "Well if you would like to shave, there is a razor
   upstairs in the cabinet in the bathroom."  So, the
   man, no longer questioning anything, went upstairs
   to the bathroom.  There in the cabinet was a razor
   made from a bone handle, two shells honed to a
   hollow ground edge were fastened on to its end
   inside of a swivel mechanism.  The man shaved,
   showered and went back down stairs.

   "You look great," said the woman.  "I think I will
   go up and slip into something more comfortable."
   So she did.

   And, the man continued to sip his Pina Colada.
   After a short time, the woman returned wearing fig
   leaves strategically positioned and smelling
   faintly of gardenias.

   "Tell me," she asked, "we have both been out here
   for a very long time with no companionship.  You
   know what I mean.  Have you been lonely, is there
   anything that you really miss?  Something that all
   men and woman need. Something that it would be
   really nice to have right now."

   "Yes there is," the man replied, as he moved
   closer to the woman while fixing a winsome gaze
   upon her, "Tell me ... can I check my e-mail?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Apr 1997 20:44:55 EDT
From:    Tim J Orsello <shaq3434@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Witch < Bad word >

Q:      What do you call an ugly, wealthy women?

A:      A " Witch Bitch "  ( Rich bitch with an accent! )

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Apr 1997 20:51:16 -0500
From:    John West <jwwest@UALR.EDU>
Subject: Cult Suicide <off cult members>

Q:  Why did 39 people living in a million dollar mansion commit suicide?

A:  They were keeping up with the Jones's.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Apr 1997 22:01:45 -0400
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Wanna be in the mafia

APPLICAZIONNE TO JOINA DE MAFFIA

Whazza u name _________________________ U-Hage_______________

Whazza u howsa nummer ________________ U-Streeta____________

Whazza-U-Bag? Hitta Man_____ Lona-Arranger_____ Prostitutta?___

Izza U Girl or Boy? (If uzza girl, Oh-Boy!)_____ Justta Checka Wun.

Putta Downa Wearra U Worgga Now___________________________________

Wazza U Inna De Bigga Ouse? ____ For Whatzza U Inna De Bigga Ouse?
        I Shoota Wun Guize_____ I Keednappa Sumbody's___________
        Protekshun Ragget______ Udda Things_____________________

U Wanna B De Bigga Shotz, Dumdaze?? Yasse_____ No_____ Eh:_______

U Likka Eata Garlic? _________ Pizza? _________ Salami?__________

U No Ow 2 Makke De Cement Shooz? _________________________________

U Driva De Car? _______ Gadillac_______ Buick _____ Linken________

U Likka Likka Spagett?____ Galamari_____ Girlze?_____ Boyze?______
(Just peeka one--no foola rounda cus I slappa U face)

U Sees De Godfather? (Or justa de movie?)

Widda U Antry U Gonna Getta Somtink U Reely Lika..................

        1 pr darke glasses 1 lb. mozzarella cheeze
        1 black shirte widda white tie 1 kiss (later, onna U cheek)
        1 pr. pointie shooz 1 wite hat, widde blacke brim
        1 pr. cement shooz 1 spumoni (tutti-frutti)
        (come later when you foolaround) 8x10 picchur-Frank Sinatra
        1 Appy Face Button

Goode Stoff (Iffa U notta Sure, I Talle U Whatta U Getta, Wizaguy)

JOINNA DE CLUB NOW WHILE YOU STILL CANNA RITE!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Apr 1997 19:51:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: State Mottos

Rejected State Mottos
==================================

ALABAMA:
Literacy Ain't Everything

ARKANSAS:
At Least We're not Oklahoma

CALIFORNIA:
Se Habla Ingles

CONNECTICUT:
New York City's OTHER Suburb

FLORIDA:
The Gunshine State

IDAHO:
Famous Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis

ILLINOIS:
Gateway to Iowa

INDIANA:
Home of Dan Quayle

KANSAS:
Don't Blame Us, We Voted For Dole

KENTUCKY:
Tobacco is a Vegetable

MAINE:
For Sale

MARYLAND:
We're Better Than Virginia, Damn It!

MINNESOTA:
Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds

MONTANA:
Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else

NEW JERSEY:
The Garbage State

NEW MEXICO:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets

NEW YORK:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an
Attorney

NORTH CAROLINA:
Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

OHIO:
Don't Judge us by Cleveland

OREGON:
Jerry Garcia was here!

PENNSYLVANIA:
Cook with Coal

SOUTH DAKOTA:
Closer than North Dakota

TENNESSEE:
The Educashun State

TEXAS:
Don't Mess with Texas -- We're Armed

UTAH:
Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus

VIRGINIA:
We're Better Than Maryland, Damn It!

WASHINGTON:
Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp

WYOMING:
Flat Is Where It's At

---
Tid-Bits: what you get when you blow up a Tid....

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End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Apr 1997 to 8 Apr 1997
**********************************************
