HUMOR Digest - 6 Apr 1997 to 7 Apr 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 623 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. old train joke
  2. Moore on Mrs. Moore <adult humor>
  3. Limbaugh's Driver & Never... (clean), Johnny (innuendo)
  4. Engineers and Lawyers <Very offensive to lawyers>
  5. slighly risque humor
  6. HUMOR: Question  <rude language, off. to men>
  7. Committed Suicide.. of did he?
  8. Monstrous joke
  9. Humor:God's Golf Game
 10. HUMOR List Traffic Report
 11. Some little known facts about..<adult>
 12. humor: another star wars top ten

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 6 Apr 1997 15:08:26 +0800
From:    Darren Chng <chngch@SINGNET.COM.SG>
Subject: old train joke

From: LEWIN JOSHUA -joshua@TIBAM.TELRAD.CO.IL
Subject: off the tracks

A young couple were enjoying the scenery fly by the window, on a 
leisurely train ride to a wonderful summer resort. They were quite
surprised when the train, after whistling for some time, derailed,
but kept riding in a field for a while. The train then returned
with a bump to the tracks and resumed its ride.

The young man got up and went towards the head of the train.

"I must speak to the driver and see what that was about".

"I saw this man on the tracks" said the driver, "so I kept blowing
the whistle, but he wouldn't budge. I was afraid I would run him over"

"But Why did you leave the tracks?" The young man asked, "You should
have run him over and be done with, instead of risking the lives of
all the passengers"

"I intended to, but as I got close to him, he tried to run away"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 6 Apr 1997 03:59:55 -0400
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore on Mrs. Moore <adult humor>

* I'm proud to say that my wife lets me run some things around the
  house:  errands, the lawn mower, the dishwasher...
                                - - - - -

* I guess I never thought of myself as being a "trained husband" before
  until I heard my wife refer to me on the phone as "spouse-broken".
                                - - - - -

* A few years ago my wife started to wear tight jeans.  I went out and
  bought a convertible.  Then she bleached her hair.  I took a lot of
  multiple vitamin shots.  Just a few months ago, she had a face lift
  and a "tummy tuck."  I got an implant.  And that's the way its been
  for the two of us  -- side by side -- growing young together.
                                - - - - -

* My wife and I were watching some TV show the other nite where the wife
  hired a private detective to follow her husband to see if he were in
  fact "cheating" on her.  I asked my wife if she would ever do that.
  She said, "Well not so much to find out who the other woman was, but to
  see if I could find out what she saw in ya."
                                - - - - -

* My wife is what's generally known as a "Strawberry Blonde", which is
  of course, half blonde/half redhead.  Every once in a while though the
  blonde part gains the upper hand.  On a recent trip to New York, there
  was a one of those small info signs on the check-in desk.  It said:
  Breakfast 6-10; Lunch 11-3; Dinner 4-11.  She took one look at that and
  said "How in the world are we gonna do any sight-seeing ?  We'll be so
  busy eating, we won't have time for anything else."
                                - - - - -

*   One morning following a tiff, I put my pants on too roughly & ripped
  the seam along the fly.  I looked at my wife and said "I'll wear these
  today so everyone in the Office will know what I have to put up with."
     She said, "No, I'll repair them.  I don't want them to know what I
  have to put up with."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 6 Apr 1997 11:00:53 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Limbaugh's Driver & Never... (clean), Johnny (innuendo)

Limbaugh's Driver (clean)

     Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and
accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.
Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer.
     They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the
front door and was let in.  He was in there for what seemed like hours.
When the chauffeur came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his driver had
been in there so long.
     "Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then
his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses."
explained the driver.
     "What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.
     The chauffeur replied, "I told him I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd
just killed the pig."
--------------------
Never... (clean)

     Never hit a man with glasses. Hit him with something bigger and
heavier.     -Anonymous
     Never accept a drink from a urologist. -Erma Bombeck
     Never say anything on the phone that you wouldn't want your mother to
hear at your trial. -Sydney Biddle Barrows, the "Mayflower Madam"
     Never say "Oops" in the operating room. - Dr. Leo Troy
     Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words "large" or
"size" with "rear end". Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.  -Tim Allen
     Never wear a backward baseball cap to an interview unless applying for
the job of umpire. -Dan Zevin
     Never kick a fresh turd on a hot day. -Harry S. Truman
     Never drive through a small Southern town at 100mph with the local
sheriff's drunken 16-year-old daughter on your lap. -Anonymous member of a
chain gang
     Never use while sleeping. -Instruction on Conair hair dryer
     Never play peekaboo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end
to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always
gonna be me!" -Rita Rudner
     Never murder a man when he's busy committing suicide. -Woodrow Wilson
     Never hold discussions with the monkey when the organ grinder is in the
room. -Winston Churchill
     Never stand between a dog and the hydrant. -John Peers
     Never take a job where winter winds can blow up your pants. -Geraldo Rivera
--------------------
Still More Li'l Johnny (innuendo)

     8-year-old Johnny is walking by his divorced mothers bedroom one night
when he hears strange sounds coming from inside. He peeks in the door to see
his mother lying on the bed, rubbing herself and moaning "I need a man"...
"I need a man".
     The next night, as he walks by, he again hears strange sounds. He peeks
inside to see his mother with a man in bed with her.
     The night after that, Johnny's mother hears strange sounds coming from
his room. She tip-toes to the door, peeks inside and there's Johnny, lying
on his bed, rubbing himself and moaning, "I need a bike"... "I need a bike."
(from Giggles)
=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 6 Apr 1997 09:07:15 EDT
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Engineers and Lawyers <Very offensive to lawyers>

An Electrical Engineer dies and goes to heaven.  St. Peter pulls up the
database (hey, even Heaven is on the cutting edge of technology) and
discovers that he doesn't have this person on file.  St.Peter says, "You
are not listed, so you must have been assigned to Hell. Please report
there immediately."

The Engineer reports to the Devil in Hell and is admitted.  Pretty soon
the Engineer is very unhappy with the living conditions, ergonomics, etc,
etc, and starts making suggestions for improvements to the Devil.  Next
thing you know, they have things such as air conditioning, cell phones,
big screen TV's,  electric lights,  escalators and Internet access in
Hell.

One day God calls the Devil and says with a sneer, "So Satan, how's
everything in your part of the Universe?"  The Devil says, "Just great,
actually.  Recently we've made a lot of improvements to Hell and a lot
more are in the works.  We have this Electrical Engineer who is
excellent.  No telling what he will come up with next."

God says, "What, you have an Engineer?  How did that happen?  St.Peter
must have screwed up big time!!"  "You are not authorized to have this
person; send him to Heaven immediately!!"  Satan says, "Well God, mistake
or not, you are not getting this guy.  You had your shot at him and you
blew it.  I like this guy so much I made him part of the management
staff."  God says, "You can't do this, I'm going to take legal action
against you to get him into Heaven."

Upon hearing this the Devil laughs like a hyena for five minutes.  God
gets very, very annoyed and says, "OK, what is so funny?"  The Devil
says, "God,  where, just where do you think YOU are going to get a
lawyer?"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 6 Apr 1997 08:32:26 -0700
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: slighly risque humor

                          A MOOOOVING STORY

    On a farm out in the country, lived a man and a woman and their
 three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke. While looking out the
 window toward the pasture, she saw that the family's only cow was
 lying dead in the field.  The situation looked hopeless to her -- how
 could she possibly continue to feed her family now?  In a depressed
 state of mind, she hung herself.
    When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he
 too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot
 himself in the head.
    The oldest son woke to discover his parents dead (and the cow!),
 and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself.  When he
 reached the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank.
    She said, "I've seen all and know the reason for your despair.  But
 if you will have sex with me five times in a row, then I will restore
 your parents and the cow to you."  The son agreed to try, but after
 four times, he was simply unable to get it up again.  So the mermaid
 drowned him in the river.
    The second oldest son woke up.  After discovering what had
 happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river.
    The mermaid said to him, "If you will have sex with me ten times in
 a row, then I will make everything right."  And while the son tried
 his best (seven times!),  it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so
 she drowned him in the river.
    The youngest son woke up, saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the
 field, and his brothers gone.  He decided that life was a hopeless
 prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.  And
 there he also met the mermaid.
    "I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right
 if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row."
    The young son replied, "Is that all?  Why not twenty times in a
 row?"  The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request.
    Then he said, "Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?"  And even
 as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, "Why not
 THIRTY times in a row?"
    Finally, she said, "Enough!!  Okay, if you will have sex with me
 thirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect
 health."
    Then the young son asked, "Wait!  How do I know that thirty times
 in a row won't kill you like it did the cow?


Thanks to Jokemaster and dparetsk@emerald.tufts.edu
   via Janell's  Giggle's Humor List
------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 6 Apr 1997 11:32:14 -0600
From:    Paul Ostrof <paulo@FRII.COM>
Subject: Re: HUMOR: Question  <rude language, off. to men>

At 03:48 PM 4/5/97 -0800, Wylie Coyote, Supergenius wrote:

Q:  What does a woman do with her asshole in the morning?

A. She sends him to work.

A:  She prepares him a lunch and sends him off to work.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 6 Apr 1997 14:24:51 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Committed Suicide.. of did he?

 1994's MOST BIZARRE SUICIDE

At the 1994 annual awards dinner given by the American Association for
Forensic Science, AAFS President Don Harper Mills astounded his audience
in San Diego with the legal complications of a bizarre death.  Here is
the story.


"On 23 March 1994, the medical examiner viewed the body of Ronald Opus
and concluded that he died from a shotgun wound of the head. The
decedent had jumped from the top of a ten- story building intending to
commit suicide (he left a note indicating his despondency). As he fell
past the ninth floor, his life was interrupted by a shotgun blast
through a window, which killed him instantly. Neither the shooter no the
decedent was aware that a safety net had been erected at the eighth
floor level to protect some window washers and that Opus would not have
been able to complete his suicide anyway because of this."

"Ordinarily," Dr. Mills continued, "a person who sets out to commit
suicide ultimately succeeds, even though the mechanism might not be what
he intended. That Opus was shot on the way to certain death nine stories
below probably would not have changed his mode of death from suicide to
homicide. But the fact that his suicidal intent would not have been
successful caused the medical examiner to feel that he had homicide on
his hands. "The room on the ninth floor whence the shotgun blast
emanated was occupied by an elderly man and his wife. They were arguing
and he was threatening her with the shotgun. He was so upset that, when
he pulled the trigger, he completely missed his wife and the pellets
went through the a window striking Opus.

"When one intends to kill subject A but kills subject B in the attempt,
one is guilty of the murder of subject B. When confronted with this
charge, the old man and his wife were both adamant that neither knew
that the shotgun was loaded. The old man said it was his long-standing
habit to threaten his wife with the unloaded shotgun. He had no
intention  to murder her - therefore, the killing of Opus appeared to be
an accident. That is, the gun had been accidentally loaded.

"The continuing investigation turned up a witness who saw the old
couple's son loading the shotgun approximately six weeks prior to the
fatal incident. It transpired that the old lady had cut off her son's
financial support and the son, knowing the propensity of his father to
use the shotgun threateningly, loaded the gun with the expectation that
his father  would shoot his mother. The case now becomes one of murder
on the part of the son for the death of Ronald Opus.

There was an exquisite twist. "Further investigation revealed that the
son had become increasingly despondent over the failure of his attempt
to engineer his mother's murder. This led him to jump off the ten-story
building on March 23, only to be killed by a shotgun blast through a
ninth story window.  [Yup, the son was Ronald Opus]

"The medical examiner closed the case as a suicide."  --

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 6 Apr 1997 20:37:23 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Monstrous joke

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was
attacked by the Loch Ness monster.  In one easy flip, the beast tossed
him and his boat high into the air.  Then it opened its mouth to swallow
both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried  out, "Oh my God!
Help me!"  At once the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the
atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came down from the clouds, "I
thought you didn't believe in me!"  "Come on, God, give me a break," the
man pleaded.  "I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 6 Apr 1997 11:10:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor:God's Golf Game

>Sent From: "Ed Grannan" <edg@symphony.aud.alcatel.com>

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf.

Moses tees up and hits his ball into the water trap. Nonplussed, he
goes over to the lake, parts the water with his club, and hits the
ball onto the green.

Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap,
where the ball curiously floats. So he walks down to the lake,
across the water, and its his ball out onto the green.

Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the
water, also. As the ball hits the surface of the water, a fish
jumps up and swallows it and is immediately grabbed by an eagle,
which deposits the fish on the green. The ball shoots out of the
fish's mouth and rolls into the cup.

Jesus turns around and says, "Nice shot, Dad, but would you quit
messing around and play golf?"

---
Sexy Electron has Current Affair!  Film at 11!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 6 Apr 1997 23:05:45 -0400
From:    Jim <jimphynn@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: HUMOR List Traffic Report

Hi everyone!  This is Jim, with this week's Traffic Report.  Once a month I
post to the entire list with the report.  Welcome to April.
  I've been doing some spring cleaning around the list, and I thought I'd
answer a few commonly asked questions.  Are you happy with the way you're
receiving the list?  Different people like different things.  If you want
to receive HUMOR in a daily digest format (which is the way it comes when
you initially subscribe to it) send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET
HUMOR DIGEST.  If you'd rather get HUMOR as individual posts, when they're
sent to the list, send LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR MAIL.
You can always see the options you currently have set up by sending
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command QUERY HUMOR.  All commands go in the
body of your message.
  In recent months a good deal of (non-Internet) media attention has been
drawn to the topic of spam, or unsolicited emails.  It's not exactly the
hardest thing in the world to search the listserver for email addresses.
You can protect yourself from people searching the listserver (and
therefore inundating you with unsolicited emails) by sending
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command SET HUMOR CONCEAL.  If you conceal your
subscription, you will simply become a number on the weekly counts, with no
other acknowledgement of what your exact email address is.
  If you're not a contributor to the list, but would like to become one,
you are invited to do so.  You must first take the prerequisite exam.  Send
LISTSERV@UGA.CC.UGA.EDU the command GET HUMOR GUIDE for the rules of being
a contributor and the test that proves you understand what the guide says.
You can also do all of this from the world wide web at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/guide.html
  If you have any questions or concerns, I'm here for you.  Feel free to
email me at jimphynn@mindspring.com, visit my home page at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn, or visit HUMOR's website at
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn/humor/humor.html.

Have a great week/month everyone!  I'll see y'all next time.

               Traffic Report for HUMOR, 30 March - 5 April
                  (Number of articles posted each day)

                  4 Weeks  3 Weeks  2 Weeks   1 Week    Last
Date   Day          Back     Back     Back     Back     Week

 30  Sunday           8       11       12       12        8
 31  Monday          15       11       22       14       11
  1  Tuesday         16       13       18       13       16
  2  Wednesday       14       13        9       18       21
  3  Thursday        10       16       15       14       16
  4  Friday          10       23       13       15       15
  5  Saturday         6       10       10        4        8

  Averages          11.3     13.9     14.1     13.6     13.6

Subscriptions      10 450   10 547   10 632   10 668   10 721
Countries            97      100      100      100       98
Contributors        828      831      834      835      841

These are based on addresses registered to our listserver. It does
not include addresses which receive HUMOR via local bulletin board,
area distribution lists, etc.  These numbers include both concealed
and non-concealed subscribers.

           HUMOR is dispatched daily to the following countries:

Argentina, Australia, Austria, Bahrain, Bangladesh, Belgium, Belize,
Botswana, Brazil, Brunei Darussalam, Bulgaria, Canada, Chile, China,
Colombia, Cook Islands, Costa Rica, Croatia, Cyprus, Czech Republic,
Denmark, Ecuador, Egypt, El Salvador, Estonia, Federal Republic of
Yugoslavia, Fiji, Finland, France, Georgia, Germany, Great Britain, Greece,
Guam, Guatemala, Hong Kong, Hungary, Iceland, India, Indonesia, Iran,
Ireland, Israel, Italy, Jamaica, Japan, Jordan, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Korea,
Kuwait, Latvia, Lebanon, Lithuania, Luxembourg, Macedonia, Malaysia, Malta,
Mauritius, Mexico, Moldova, Morocco, Mozambique, Namibia, Netherlands, New
Zealand, Northern Ireland, Norway, Pakistan, Peru, Philippines, Poland,
Portugal, Qatar, Romania, Russia, Saudi Arabia, Scotland, Singapore,
Slovakia, South Africa, Spain, Sri Lanka, Suriname, Sweden, Switzerland,
Taiwan, Thailand, Trinidad and Tobago, Turkey, Uganda, Ukraine, United Arab
Emirates, Uruguay, USA, Venezuela, Zambia, Zimbabwe

                            Total countries: 98

                Email me if your country is not listed here.
-----
And now for my usual contribution of humor:

Subject:  Yes, but should we call it 'art'?

Exerpted from the book _Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest: True News of the World's
Least Competent People,_ (c) 1996 by John J Kohut and Roland Sweet

In Colombia, Antanas Mokus, president of Bogota's National University, was
speaking at the opening of an art exhibition when a group of students began
heckling him.  Mokus acknowledged them by turning around, lowering his
pants and underwear, and bending over.  He explained afterward that the
incident, which was recorded by a student on videotape and broadcast on
national television, should be understood "as a part of the resources that
an artist can use."

-----
   Jim Goldman,  HUMOR list Traffic Reporter and Webmaster
jimphynn@mindspring.com        http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Apr 1997 10:25:21 -0400
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Some little known facts about..<adult>

Kinda long but well..

THE LONG AND THE SHORT:
   According to the Kinsey Institute, the biggest erect penis on record
measures 13 inches.  The smallest tops off at 1 3/4 inches.  Poor guy!!
 Completely erect and only 1 3/4 inches??!!  That sucks!

HOTDOG HELPERS:
   The Caramoja tribe of northern Uganda tie a weight on the end of their
penises to elongate them - sometimes to such a degree that the men
literally have to knot them up--while the Mambas of New Hebrides wrap
theirs in yards and yards of cloth, making them look up to 17 inches
long. I have only one thing to say here~ OUCH!

DOUBLE TROUBLE
   In 1609, a doctor named Wecker found a corpse in Bologna with two
penises.  Since then, there have been eighty documented cases of men
similarly endowed. And where can we find these guys??!!

SO LONG THE NIGHT:
   Among the Mangaians of Polynesia, 18-year-old couples make love an
avaerage of three times a night, every night, until their thirties, when
the weekly average drops to a mere 14. That's it?!

FAST LANE:
   The maximum speed at which erotic sensations travel from skin to brain
has been clocked at 156 miles per hour. This gives new meaning to cries
of "faster, faster!"

COITUS SEMI-INTERRUPTUS:
   A honeymooning couple are suing Holiday Inn for ten thousand dollars,
claiming their sex life is now dysfunctional because an employee
mistakenly walked in on them on their wedding night. People will do
anything for money!

LES LIAISONS DANGEREUSES:
   At least 500 Americans die each year from asphyxia in an attempt to
lessen oxygen flow to the brain in order to induce a more powerful
orgasm.  We'll look at the whole thing because just how stupid is that?!

NOBLESSE OBLIGE:
   England's King Edward VII, a man of considerable heft, had a special
table built so that he could comfortably engage in sexual intercourse.
  It was considered elegant for aristocratic ladies of the sixteenth
century to let their pubic hair grow as long as possible  so it could be
pomaded and adorned with bows and ribbon. (a) who's pubic hair really
grows that much?!  (b) bows and ribbons?!

In fourteenth-century Europe, high-ranking noblemen were permitted to
display their genitals below a short tunic, while those not impressively
endowed could, if they chose, wear a leather falsie
called a braquette. Is that what they call strap-ons in Europe?

MISSIONARIES TAKE NOTE:
   Given today's average frequency of sexual intercourse, it would take
the typical American couple more than four years to try every one of the
529 positions described in the Kama Sutra. Hmm, hit the books because I
can only think of about 15!

GALLIC WAY OF DEATH:
   French President Francois Faure expired in a bordello in 1899 during
the act of copulation, which so terrified his lady of the evening that
her vagina constricted intractably, necessitating the surgical removal of
the dead man's member. Both of those things just sound painful!

JUST SAY HOWDY:
   When men of the Walibri tribe of central Australia greet each other,
they shake penises instead of hands. Just picture this!

BONBON MOTS:
   "There may be some things that are better than sex, and their may be
some things that are worse.  But their is nothing exactly like it."
  --W.C. Fields

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 7 Apr 1997 00:48:38 -0400
From:    Mario Catelotti <mcatelo1@NASC.MASS.EDU>
Subject: humor: another star wars top ten

Top Ten Scenes From the new Star WArs that should have been included...

10. Luke finally tells his abusive Uncle Owen to kiss his ass.

9. Luke "accidentally" walks in on Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru during their
private little "harvest".

8. Han Solo has too much to drink and wakes up with a Mos Eisley crew cut.

7. Luke's dream sequence in which Han performs a lap dance in a
smoke-filled bar room, while the 1812 overture blares in the background

6. Chewbacca finds out that Leia is HIS sister too.

5. The emperor cuts a loud one, and Darth Vader exclaims, "Man, is the
force with you buddy!".

4. Luke is laid up for three weeks on Dagobah with a groin pull.

3. Lots of fanny slapping after the Death Star blows up Alderaan.

2. Vader finds out that Luke and Leia's mother was actually his sister.

AND NUMBER ONE:

1. Shaggy and Scoob find out that Boba Fett is really old man Crowley,
owner of the Mos Eisley funhouse.



"If everything is under control, you're going too slow"
                                - Mario Andretti

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Apr 1997 to 7 Apr 1997
**********************************************
