HUMOR Digest - 5 Apr 1997 to 6 Apr 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 380 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Humor - Strange Thoughts
  2. Moore on Teenagers
  3. Computer Poem
  4. The Paratrooper & Forest Complaints (warnings within)
  5. Knowing your  homonyms....
  6. The little dwarf lady <Offensive to dwarfs>
  7. Humor: Customer Comments
  8. HUMOR: Question  <rude language, off. to men>

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Date:    Sat, 5 Apr 1997 00:57:12 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Humor - Strange Thoughts

         -  My school colors were "clear".

         -  Hermits have no peer pressure.

         -  Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many
            memories...

         -  There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on
            the shore like an idiot.

         -  How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live
            there?

         -  I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live
            above me are furious.

         -  I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lives
            next door  complained.

         - Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them
           would they still grow?  Only to be troubled and insecure?

         - Is there another word for synonym?

         - Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

         - Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

         - Is it possible to be totally partial?

         - What's another word for thesaurus?

         - Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

         - Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

         - If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

         - When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

         - Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

         - If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to

         - Why is the word abbreviation so long?

         - When companies ship styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

         - If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

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Date:    Sat, 5 Apr 1997 03:17:49 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore on Teenagers

* I found the neatest way of confusing the hell out of my daughter
  when she was a teenager, and thought I'd pass it along to y'all.
  If you don't care for her current beau at all, pretend ya love the
  guy to death, praise him a lot and invite him over often.  This
  alone was usually enuff to have her drop him like a hot potato.
                                - - - - -

* These days boys and girls have it easy as to deciding what they
  can get each other for gifts -- earrings.
                                - - - - -

* Any of you out there remember when "Is it a boy or a girl" only
  referred to babies ?
                                - - - - -

* The next time your teenager sez you don't seem to have any faith in
  them, just tell 'em: "Of course !  Look at the national debt and
  social security funding we're leaving y'all to pay, as well as the
  mixed-up world we're leaving behind for y'all to straighten out."
                                - - - - -

* I keep seeing in the paper that economists think we have a hard
  time visualizing a million.  Hell, any parent of a teenager can
  tell 'em that's the number of times you have to tell your kid to
  get off the phone in any given week.
                                - - - - -

* Imagine how tuff teenagers have it when they get married.  I mean,
  like what wine goes with Twinkies and Potato Chips ?
                                - - - - -

* In Maryland, teenagers like to feel they're all unique individuals.
  Therefore, they all dress alike to prove it.
                                - - - - -

* When my kids were teens, it never bothered me how much they knew.  I
  always worried more about how they found out.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 13:44:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Computer Poem

The following poem appeared recently in INFOCUS magazine. The original
authors were Fred Bremmer and Steve Kroese of Calvin College & Seminary of
Grand Rapids, MI.

A poll conducted among INFOCUS readers had established "waka" as the proper
pronunciation for the angle-bracket characters <> and, though some readers
held out resolutely for "norkies."

The text of the poem follows:

<> !*''#
^"`$$-
!*=@$_
%*<> ~#4
&[]../
|{,,SYSTEM HALTED

The poem can only be appreciated by reading it aloud, to wit:

Waka waka bang splat tick tick hash,
Caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
Bang splat equal at dollar under-score,
Percent splat waka waka tilde number four,
Ampersand bracket bracket dot dot slash,
Vertical-bar curly-bracket comma comma CRASH.

---
I've NOT lost my mind, I have it backed up on floppies.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 5 Apr 1997 13:01:17 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Paratrooper & Forest Complaints (warnings within)

The Paratrooper's Pooper (off. to gays, innuendo)

     A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers.  He
went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher
and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an
airplane.  The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.
     "So, did you jump?" the father asked.
     "Well, let me tell you what happened.  We got up in the plane, and the
sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers.  About a dozen men got
up and just walked out of the plane!" "Is that when you jumped?" asked the
father.
     "Um, not yet.  Then the sergeant started to grab the other men one at a
time and throw them out the door."
     "Did you jump then?" asked the father.
     "I'm getting to that. Every one else had jumped, and I was the last man
left on the plane.  I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump.  He
told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."
     "So, did you jump?"
     "Not then.  He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto
the door and refused to go.  Finally he called over to the Jump Master. The
Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds.  He
said to me, ``Boy, are you gonna jump or not?''
     I said, ``No, sir. I'm too scared.''
     So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took his penis out.  I
swear, it was about ten inches long and as big around as a baseball bat!
     He said, ``Boy, either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this
little baby up your ass.''"
     "So, did you jump?" asked the father.
     "Well, a little, at first."
--------------------
Forest Service Complaints (clean)

This list is circulating among Forest Service employees.  These are actual
comments left last year on Forest Service registration sheets and  comment
cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
-----
     "A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles.  Is there
a way I can get reimbursed?  Please call."
     "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
     "Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to
reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of  visitors to
wilderness."
     "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
     "Ban walking sticks in wilderness.  Hikers that use walking sticks are
more likely to chase animals."
     "All the mile markers are missing this year."
     "Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."
     "Trails need to be reconstructed.  Please avoid building trails that go
uphill."
     "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs.  Please spray
the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."
     "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
     "Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful
views without having to hike to them."
     "The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please
eradicate these annoying animals."
     "Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike
at night with flashlights."
     "Need more signs to keep area pristine."
     "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
     "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
     "Too many rocks in the mountains."
(courtesy of the Giggles List)
=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 5 Apr 1997 09:07:13 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: Knowing your  homonyms....

As the high school teacher was correcting essays written by her students
she read, "Pedro jumped on his burrow and rode off into the sunset."

She wrote at the bottom of the page, "You obviously have problems with
homonyms. A burrow is a hole in the ground. A burro is an ass. At your
age it's time to learn the difference."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 5 Apr 1997 13:24:59 EST
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The little dwarf lady <Offensive to dwarfs>

This little dwarf woman goes to her doctor complaining that her crotch
itches.  After a thorough examination the doctor is puzzled as to what
could be causing this condition.  He asks his patient if it seems to get
better or worse at any particular time. The woman says, "Well, it really
gets bad whenever it rains."  "Well then", says the doc, "next time it
rains, please come right to the office and we will check it out."
A week later it's raining pretty heavily one day.  The dwarf lady shows
up at the doctor's office complaining that her crotch is really itching.
The doctor says, "OK, let's have a look."  After about 10 seconds, he
says to his  nurse, "Bring me the surgical kit, I have found the
problem."  He tells the woman, "Don't worry, this won't hurt a bit."  She
grits her teeth in anticipation of the worst.  Five minutes later he asks
her if it feels better.  She starts walking around and says, "Doctor, it
feels great, what did you do?"  To which the doc replies, "I just cut a
couple of inches off the top of your rain boots!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 5 Apr 1997 07:23:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Customer Comments

actual quotes from customers' calls...

"How's that again?"

* My DOS system got corroded.

* I have about 20,000 megabytes on my hard drive.

* OK, I have a C: backsplash.

* Do I hit "F" and "8" at the same time?

* I have 384,000 free contentious memory

* I have a cursing flasher.

* Do you have 3 1/2 inch diskettes? "No, I only have 3 of them."

* I have Microword Soft.

* Do you want a forward backslash?

* You want me to "REAM" out SETVER?!

* I was flooding the help file.

* My BOOTLEG file didn't say anything.

* I just put on DOS/Windows 6.0 and my memory crashed the system.

* Press any key. "I can't find it!!"

* This DOS program says I have insignificant memory.

* How do I use my High Megabit memory?

* It says one copy filed.

* Where do I get the 6.2 step on disk?

* I'm having problems with Prodigy now, cause I bought a modem.

* I'm in the CONSYS.FIG file.

* I have SETUP.EXERSIZE on my B floppy.

* Can you hang on while I take out my earring?

* I lost my blue Cyanide color in DOSSHELL.

* When I type Empty Space TEMP it says bad command.

* I have a scummy card in my system.

* One moment while I PARK you (Please Hold).

* I have a terminant swap file.

* I have a terminal swap file.

* I have a termanent swap file.

* Why can't I call more than one BBS with one modem at a time? this IS
a MULTITASKING system, isn't it??

* I have a "teer" to "teer" network.

* I've been using Windows for well over 10 years now.

* I'm in 386 enchanted mode.

* Memory? Is that the RAM stuff?

* Why is my permanent swap file taking up 91K?! (9,186,532 bytes)

* Type SHELL=FROGMAN.EXE?

* What kind of system do you have? "HP!"

* My modem can't see my Windows!

* I have "SET TEMPERATURE=C:\DOS"

---
BREAKFAST.COM Halted .... Cereal port not responding!

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Date:    Sat, 5 Apr 1997 15:48:19 -0800
From:    "Wylie Coyote, Supergenius" <phimes@PTDOA1.AL.INTEL.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: Question  <rude language, off. to men>

Q:  What does a woman do with her asshole in the morning?

A:  She prepares him a lunch and sends him off to work.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Apr 1997 to 6 Apr 1997
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