HUMOR Digest - 4 Apr 1997 to 5 Apr 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 564 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Moore on Wives
  2. A Roman Urban Legend <clean>
  3. More Student Goofs & The Balloonists (both clean)
  4. Humor - Domestic Violence
  5. Beer Games!!!!
  6. <Humor> Scottish Baseball Fan
  7. A Family Affair (sexual themes)
  8. An actual will filed for probate in Texas (clean)
  9. Explicit Elvis Evidence Exposed! <off. to elvis sighters>
 10. Dirty Jokes! :) <adult humor, offensive>
 11. Questions, offensive to Married people?
 12. Joke/2 Riddles   <sick, crude, offensive>
 13. The Black Sheep <Offensive to Black Africans, Missionaries and Animal
     Rights Activists>
 14. Tickled until you bleed  <serious humor>
 15. 3 wishes

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Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 03:29:48 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore on Wives

*   I was out with one of my best drinking buddies, George, and he was
  talking about marriage, and then his wife.  He drank some, then said,
  "Well, what it comes down to Jimmy, is... well... my wife just doesn't
  understand me at all, does yours ?"
    I thought about it a minute or two, then said. "I don't think so
  George, as a matter of fact, I don't recall her ever even mentioning
  your name at all."
                                - - - - -

*    There's just no pleasin' some women at all.  Just the other day I
  was trying to read the paper and naturally, my wife picked that moment
  to begin a discussion.
     I heard her say "...and then I went to see Dr. Gibbons."  I grunted
  a reply, and she raised her voice saying, "Are you listening to me ?"
     I put the paper down and said, "Yes sweetheart, I heard every word.
  You said you went to see Dr. Gibbons.  So...  how is he ???"
     Would y'all believe she didn't talk to me the rest of the evening ?
                                - - - - -

*   It's not all that often a wife will confess her faults.  Just the
  other nite my wife said, "Hon, I know I'm not the perfect wife, for
  one thing, I realize I'm outspoken."
     Risking all manner of flying objects, I couldn't resist.  I calmly
  replied, "Oh... by whom dear ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Not that my wife's the jealous type or anything, but one day at work,
  I had taken this temp who was filling in for my secretary to lunch in
  gratitude for an outstanding job on a very difficult project.
     As luck would have it, there was my wife waiting in the office for
  my return.  The temp, who was truly a ravishing beauty said, "Oh, Mrs.
  Moore, I'm so happy to meet you.  I'm your husband's new secretary."
     Within a single heart beat, my wife quietly intoned, "OH ?  Really ?
  Were you ???"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 12:48:41 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: A Roman Urban Legend <clean>

"Got a match?"

(Attributed to Emperor Claudius Caesar NERO in 64 AD, moments
before a great fire destroyed Rome. The city was lavishly rebuilt
in stone and marble, befitting her status as Caput Mundi.
However,  urban planning criteria of those days, did not
anticipate the invention of the internal combustion engine and the advent
of the motor vehicle, which has made modern Rome the Caput Mundi  of
traffic jams.
The fire was blamed on the Christians, the scapegoats of the day,
before this role was imposed on the Jews, a few centuries later.)
-----------------------------------------------------------
When the  going gets weird, Maurizio turns pro.
(Mrs. Mariotti)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 13:49:26 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: More Student Goofs & The Balloonists (both clean)

Recently posted to Giggles, these are funny goofs lifted from Seattle-area
student papers...
---------------
     A student in a science class wrote, "The universe is a giant orgasm".
At the end of the student's essay, the teacher riposted, "Your answer gives
new meaning to the Big Bang Theory."
     All animals were here before mankind.  The animals lived peacefully
until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels, and condoms.
     Marie Curie did her research at the Sore Buns Institute in France.
     Men are mammals and women are femammals.
     Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.
     Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science. This
procedure is called gross anatomy.
     Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.  Oxygin is pure
gin.  Hydrogin is gin and water.
     When you breath, you inspire. When you do not breath, you expire.
     H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
     Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of
the bull.
     Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.
     A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two
molars and eight cuspidors.
     Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
     Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
     Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
     Rainy- - - the afterbirth that lived...
--------------------
'Two Balloonists'

Two guys, George and Harry, set out in a hot air balloon to cross the
Atlantic Ocean.  After 37 hours in the air, George says, "Harry, we better
lose some altitude so we can see where we are."  Harry lets out some of the
hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover.
George says, "I still can't tell where we are, let's ask that guy on the
ground.  So Harry yells down to the man, "Hey, pardon me but could you tell
us where we are?"  The man on the ground yells back, "You're in a balloon
100 feet up in the air."  George turns to Harry and says, "That man is a
lawyer."  "How can you tell?" inquires Harry.  "Because the advice he gave
us was 100% accurate, and totally useless."
=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 06:05:39 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Humor - Domestic Violence

  Dugan was hauled into court for beating his wife with an oak leaf.
  "How can you bring a man in for beating his wife with an oak leaf?"
  asked the judge.
  "Well," said the cop, "it was a leaf from the dining room table!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 07:59:07 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Beer Games!!!!

Sent to me by a 37 year old female Canadian attorney.....one has to
wonder......
part 1.

The Canadian Bluffing Drinking Game.

What you need:
  - An unlimited group of friends enjoying their drink of choice.
  - A deck of cards.

To Set Up:
  - Put down a row of 4 cards face down, and then a row of 3, a row of 2,
    and then one final card to symbolize the top of the pyramid.
  - Deal 4 to 8 cards to each player (depending on the number of players
    and whether or not you've had your ass kicked at this game before)

How to play:
  - Turn over the first card in the first row
    (the first row is the bottom row with 4 cards)
  - The first row is worth one drink. The object is to bluff the other
    people playing the game.
  - The 1st player looks at his cards. They can tell another player
    (or enemy) of their choice to drink once, or they can pass their turn.
  - The unfortunate victim has to decide whether or not the player actually
    has that card on the table in their hand. If they think that the card
    is in the other player's hand, they go ahead and drink once.
  - If they call bullshit, the other player has to either show the card
    or drink double.
  - If the other player can show the card, then the player who called
    bullshit has to drink double.
  - Proceed to turn over the next card in the 1st row and repeat. When
    you get to the 2nd row, the stakes increase. Each card is worth 2
    drinks and a Bluff could be worth 4.
  - Simply, The first row (4 cards) is worth one drink.
    2nd row (3 cards) = 2 drinks. A miscalled bluff = double (4 drinks)
    3rd row (2 cards) = 3 drinks. Bluff = 6 drinks
    4th row (1 card) = 4 drinks. Bluff = 8 drinks.
  - Feel free to add more rows (and more risk) to the pyramid or add
    more cards to the hands.

    The last person who can look at their cards without bursting into
    laughter or falling out of their chair WINS!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 10:58:10 EST5EDT
From:    Wayne Wood <wayne@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: <Humor> Scottish Baseball Fan

A recent Scottish immigrant to the U.S. attends his first baseball game.
After a base hit, he hears the fans roaring "Run... run!"

The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up
and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-r-un yah bahstard.
R-r-run!"

A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with
his knowledge of the game, screams "r-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya."

The next batter's count goes up to three and two. As the pitch crosses past
outside the plate, he holds his swing. The umpire calls a walk the Scotsman
stands up yelling "r-r-r-un ya bahstard, r-r-run!".

All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down, confused. A
friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers, "He doesn't have
to run, he's got four balls."  After this explanation the Scotsman stands
up in disbelief and screams, "Walk PR-R-ROUD, man!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 10:08:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: A Family Affair (sexual themes)

There once was a brother and a sister, fraternal twins, who were
approaching their high school graduation. It was getting near prom night
and neither of them had a date for it. So one day, the girl approaches
her brother and says  "Hey, you got a date for the prom yet?"

He says "No, why? You got someone lined up for me?"

"You might say that. Why don't you take me to the prom?"

"Take you? You kidding? You're my sister!"

"Well, are you taking somebody else out?"

"You know I don't have a date, Sis."

"And neither do I. But we both want to go to the prom, don't we?"

Her brother nods. She continues, "So we should go with each other."

The brother can't see anything wrong with her reasoning, so he tells his
sister that if neither of them has a date by Wednesday evening, he will
take her to the prom.

Wednesday evening rolls around. Neither of the siblings has a date, so
the brother tells his sister that he'll take her to the prom on Friday.

At the prom, both of them have a good time. The brother is glad that his
sister talked him into taking her. Then, while he's standing at the
punch bowl, his  sister comes up to him again.

"Hey, brother, let's dance."

He looks around to make sure that nobody heard her. "Look, Sis, this is
the Senior Prom, okay? I'm not going to dance with my own sister at the
prom, okay?"

"Don't be so shy. Look, Jimmy Elder is dancing with his cousin. So why
can't you dance with your sister?"

"Oh . . . all right."

So they dance, a slow number. The rest of the prom passes by and after a
while it's over and time to go. Both of them have had a good time.

In the car, with the brother at the wheel, the sister looks over at him
and says, "Let's not go straight home."

He gives her a curious look and says, "What are we going to do instead?"

"Oh, I don't know. Just drive around."

He agrees, and after they have driven around a while, out in the
country, she looks over at him again and says "Want to find some place
to park?"

"Hell," he says, "are you crazy? You're my sister, I'm not going parking
with you!"

"Who said anything about 'going parking'? Let's just pull over somewhere
and talk for a while, okay? It's been a busy year for both of us-- how
long has it been since we've had a chance to talk to each other?"

So she finally talks her brother into pulling the car over on a secluded
back road, and after a few minutes of idle talk, she looks over at him
again.

"Hey . . . " she says.

"What?"

"Why don't you kiss me?"

"You've been suggesting a lot of weird things lately, you know that? I'm
not going to kiss you, you're my sister!" And he reached for the
ignition switch to start the car.

She reached out and took his hand. "I know I'm your sister. You've
mentioned that a lot lately. And you're my brother. And don't we love
each other? Why shouldn't we kiss if we feel like it?" She kissed him on
the cheek and he kissed her back. After a few minutes of kissing, she
whispered in his ear, "Come on. Let's do it."

"Do what," said her brother, but he had a good idea of what his sister
had in mind.

"You know what," his sister replied.

"I can't do that with you, you're my . . . " His voice trailed off.

While he was on top of her, his sister murmured, "You know, you're a lot
lighter than Dad."

"I know," said her brother. "Mom told me."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 15:05:46 -0500
From:    Debbie Gilleland <GDebby@AOL.COM>
Subject: An actual will filed for probate in Texas (clean)

(I received this from another list I subscribe to.
I don't know who sent it. )

An actual will filed for probate in Anderson Co TX :

Will of Herman Obelweiss

  I am writing of my will mineselluf that dam lawyer want
he should have too much money, he asked to many
answers about family. first thing i want i dont want my
brother oscar have a dam ting what i got. he done me
out of forty dollars fourteen years since.
  I want it that hilda my sister she gets the north sixtie
akers of at where i am homing it now. i bet she dont
get that loafer husband of hers to broke twenty akers
next plowing time. she cant have it if she lets oscar
live on it i want it i should have it back if she does.
Tell mama that six hundred dollars she been looking
for for twenty years is berried from the backhouse behind
about ten feet down. she better let little frederick do the
digging and count it when he comes up.
  Pastor lucknitz can have three hundred dollars if he
kiss the book he wont preach no more dumhead polotiks.
he should have a roof put on the meetinghouse with (it)
and the elders should the bills look at. Momma the rest
should get but i want it that adolph shud tell her what
not she do so no more slick irishers sell her vokum
cleaners dy noise like hell and a broom dont cost so much.
  I want it that mine brother adolph should be my execter
and i want it that the jedje make adolph plenty bond put
up and watch him like hell. Adolph is a good business
man but only a dumkoph would trust him with a busted
pfenning.  i want dam sure that schlemic oscar dont
nothing get. tell adolph he can have a hundred dollars
if he prove to jedje oscar dont get nothing.
tham dam sure fix oscar.

/s/ Herman Obelweiss.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 14:50:23 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: Explicit Elvis Evidence Exposed! <off. to elvis sighters>

From: <http://www.ericbrian.com/stupid.ht>

There's always someone somewhere who claims to have had an Elvis sighting.
Most people who claim to have seen Elvis still alive wind up calling
National Enquirer. Sometimes the people at the Enquirer follow up, but often
they don't. However, this particular time they were definitely intrigued.

It wasn't the usual type of Elvis spotter, but a retired Harvard professor.
And he said he had "irrefutable photographic evidence" that Elvis was
actually alive.

So the Enquirer sent a reporter to the professor's remote home in the
mountains of northern Vermont. When the reporter arrived, the elderly
professor took him downstairs to the basement, where the professor unlocked
the door to the room where he kept the evidence. Then finally the reporter
was able to see it himself. It was one snapshot, a shot of the professor
standing in front of the house -- alone.

The reporter didn't get it. "Where's the photographic proof of Elvis?" he
asked the professor.  "Don't you see?" replied the professor, "Elvis took
the photo!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 15:59:23 -0500
From:    Megan Taylor <LuvlyFreak@AOL.COM>
Subject: Dirty Jokes! :) <adult humor, offensive>

Why is every cock stupid ? Because, every cock has a hole in the head.

Whats the difference between a lesbian and a Ritz?  One is a
snack cracker and the other is a crack snacker

Do you know what the bananna said to the vibrator?  What are you
shaking for their gonna eat me.

Do you know what one tampon said to the other tampon?  Nothing their
both stuck up bitches.

What do you call 2 lezbians in a canoe?  FUR TRADERS

What is round hard and full of semen?  A submarine

What's the difference between pussy and parsley?  No one eats parsley.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 18:19:49 -0500
From:    David Burns <HumorBurns@AOL.COM>
Subject: Questions, offensive to Married people?

What's the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

About 45 pounds


What's the difference between a husband and a boyfriend?

About 45 minutes

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 18:03:05 -0800
From:    "Wylie Coyote, Supergenius" <phimes@PTDOA1.AL.INTEL.COM>
Subject: Joke/2 Riddles   <sick, crude, offensive>

Call into the Emergency Room:" Please, come quickly, my son swallowed a
condom!"   Five minutes later the same caller:"you don't have to come anymore,
we found another one!"

-------------------

What is a woman with sperm on her glasses most likely to say?

I saw that one coming...

--------------------

What is Mathematics?

When you take the root out of an unknown...

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 19:15:44 EST
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Black Sheep <Offensive to Black Africans,
         Missionaries and Animal Rights Activists>

A white American Missionary gets an assignment to a remote part of
Africa, deep in a jungle area.  He ends up living with a Tribe and spends
years with them.  He teaches them to read, write and gives them some good
Christian philosophy.  One thing he particularly stresses is the evil of
sexual sin, especially adultery.
One day the wife of one of the Tribe's noblemen gives birth to a white
baby. The village is shocked and the Tribe sends in their Chief to talk
to the Missionary.  The Chief says, "You have lectured us day in and day
out on the evils of adultery, etc., and now we are faced with this
crisis.  You are the only white man to ever set foot in this village - it
doesn't take a genius to figure out what has happened here."
The Missionary just smiled and says to the Chief, "No, no, my good man.
You are mistaken. What you have here is a totally natural occurence -
it's what is known as an albino."  "Look to thy yonder field - a group of
pure white sheep,  yet one among them is as black as the dead of night.
Nature plays cruel tricks on occasion."
The Chief paused for a moment and then says, "That's cool - tell you
what, you don't say anything about the sheep and I won't say anymore
about the white baby!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 3 Apr 1997 19:38:34 -0800
From:    "Wylie Coyote, Supergenius" <phimes@PTDOA1.AL.INTEL.COM>
Subject: Tickled until you bleed  <serious humor>

Strange, but true:
Friday  March 28, 1997

                Tickle Me Elmo doll involved in beating

Somerset, Mass.

A domestic argument left a man dazed last week after his estranged wife used a
Tickle Me Elmo doll to club him on the head and knock him down, police said.

Heidi J. Souza, 34, of 1473 County Street, hit Thomas K. Souza, 34, of 206
Lepes Rd., so hard with the red furry doll that when a police officer arrived,
a stunned Thomas Souza was bleeding from his left cheek.

Souza, who is separated from her husband, was charged with violating a
restraining order and assault and battery with a dangerous weapon.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 4 Apr 1997 19:47:46 -0800
From:    Steven & Susan <sgarrett@NWRAIN.COM>
Subject: 3 wishes

  An old lady is rocking away the last of her days on her front porch,
reflecting on her long life,when--all of a sudden--a fairy godmother
appears infront of her and informs her that she will be grantedthree
wishes.
"Well, now," says the old lady, "I guess I would like to be really rich."
POOF  her rocking chair turns to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young,    beautiful princess."
  POOF she turns into a beautiful young woman.
"Your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother.
Just then the old woman's cat wanders across the porch in front of them.
   "Ooh--can you change him into a handsome prince?" sheasks.
  .POOF . .?there before her stands a young man more handsome than anyone
could possibly imagine.
She stares at him, smitten. With a smile that makesher knees weak, he
saunters across the porch and whispers in her ear:
"Bet you're sorry you had me neutered."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 4 Apr 1997 to 5 Apr 1997
**********************************************
