HUMOR Digest - 31 Mar 1997 to 1 Apr 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 441 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Oops, Tax Probs (both clean), Macarena (mildly off. language)
  2. Humor: Whatever Happened To The Beatles? <some naughty words
  3. Red Tapism <clean>
  4. Humor - Cloning <not offensive>
  5. "Gimme that old time religion"
  6. The Banker and The Bet <Crude>
  7. Fly in the beer <poss. off. to Irish>
  8. Off color (off to blacks)
  9. Smart Dogs <Offensive to Government Bureaucrats> & Bumper Sticker Sighting
 10. Humor - State Trooper
 11. Top5 - 3/31/97 - Signs Your Webmaster is in a Cult (fwd)

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Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 1997 12:07:07 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Oops, Tax Probs (both clean), Macarena (mildly off. language)

Oops (clean)

     An Army major was conducting a field test when communications went
dead.  Immediately, he jumped into a jeep and ordered a sergeant to speed to
the command station.  When my father and the sergeant ran in, the group
cheered their arrival.  The commanding officer then stepped forward and
shook my father's hand.  "Don't congratulate me, sir," my father said
modestly as he pointed to his driver.  "It was all the sergeant's doing."
     The commanding officer nodded and turned to the sergeant.
"Congratulations," he said.  "The major's wife just had a baby girl."
--------------------
Tax Problems (clean)

     Many years from now, former President Clinton goes to the pearly gates
of Heaven.
     "You can't get in," says St. Peter. "You cheated on your taxes, you
lied to the people who trusted you, and you were a womanizer."
     "What will it take to let me in?" asked Clinton.
     St. Peter thought about it for a moment and said, "Well, since you took
advantage of only beautiful women, I think it is only fitting that you be
reminded of your heinous disrespect for all women and he produced the
ugliest lady that Bill Clinton had ever seen. "You'll have to spend eternity
with this lady."
     Clinton winced at the prospect but agreed, if it was to be the only way
to get into Heaven. He wandered off with the ugly woman on his arm and soon
ran into James MacDougal, with an even uglier looking woman on his arm.
     "Guess you had trouble getting into Heaven too," Clinton said.
     "Yep, tax problems mainly," replied MacDougal.
     They were still conversing when along came Ross Perot. He had a
fantastic looking blonde on one arm and a buxom redhead on the other and two
drop-dead gorgeous brunettes following behind him.
     "Did you have a problem getting into Heaven, Ross?" asked Clinton,
admiring the beauty of the women.
     "Nope, not at all," replied Ross Perot, "...but these ladies had real
bad tax problems back on Earth!"
--------------------
Macarena Translated (mildly off. language)

Bale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena Que tu cuerpo es pa' darle alegria y cosa
buena Bale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena Ehhh, Macarena!

(Dance to shitty music stupid Americans!  You are so stupid that you think
this shitty music is good. Dance to shitty music stupid
Americans.  Heeeyyy, stupid Americans!)

Macarena tiene un novio que se llama Que se llama de apellido Vitorino Y en
la jura de bandera del muchacho Se la dio con dos amigos

(Stupid Americans will have sex with a llama.  You dance like a llama to
this idiotic song!  While you're busy your girl will go at it with our
friends. My buddies will be with her in the bathroom)

Que le gusta la movida guerrilera Macarena suean con el Corte Ingles Y se
compra los mnodelos mas modernos Le gustaria viva on Nueva York

(You fat gorillas like shitty music. Stupid Americans paid sixteen dollars
for this song. You can't tell your asses from your faces. We think New York
Sucks!)
(courtesy of Giggles)

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 1997 08:47:59 -0500
From:    Matt Grob <MATTHEW.GROB@EY.COM>
Subject: Humor: Whatever Happened To The Beatles? <some naughty words

The following names of bands are taken from the listing of This Week's Live
Music: Rock in the March 26th edition of the New York Press:

Porcupine
Braindance
Perfect Thyroid
God is My Co-Pilot
Little Shining Man
James Chance & the Contortions
Zen Guerrilla
A Halo Called Fred
Monkeystick
Mongrel Bitch
Candy Butchers
Ditch Croaker
Pleasure Fuckers
Nashville Pussy
Cash Registers
Drunk
Sexpod
Cocktailica
Sly & the Family Stallone
Double Dong
D-Cup
Pull My Daisy

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 1997 17:00:01 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Rao Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Red Tapism <clean>

  Take a cage with apes.  In the cage we hang a banana on a string,
  and put stairs under it.  Before long an ape goes to the stairs
  towards the banana, but as soon as it even touches the stairs,
  all apes are sprayed with water. After a while the same ape or
  another one makes another attempt, with the same result: all
  apes are sprayed. If later another ape tries to climb the
  stairs, the others will try to prevent it.

  Now we take one ape from the cage and put in a new one. The new
  ape sees the banana, and wants to climb the stairs. To his
  horror all other apes attack him. After another attempt he
  knows: if he wants to climb the stairs, he is beaten up. Then we
  remove a second ape and replace it by another new one. The
  newcomer goes to the stairs and gets beaten up. The previous
  new ape takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm.

  A third old ape is replaced by a third new one. The new one
  makes it to the stairs and get beaten up as well. Two of the
  apes who beat him, have no idea why you may not climb the stairs.
  We replace the fourth old ape, and the fifth, etc. until all
  apes which ones have been sprayed with water have been replaced.
  Nevertheless, no ape ever tries to climb the stairs.

  "But Sir, why not?"

  "Because that's the way we do things here, lad."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 1997 10:35:37 -0600
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Humor - Cloning <not offensive>

Lynn Hasson posted this to another list:
------------------------------------------------------------
This showed up on Sheep-l today. Scary thought eh?

Mary Had a Little Lamb

Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was slightly gray,
It didn't have a father, just some borrowed DNA.

It sort of had a mother, though the ovum was on loan,
It was not so much a lambkin as a little lamby clone.

And soon it had a fellow clone,and soon it had some more-
They followed her to school one day, all cramming through the door.

It made the children laugh and sing, the teachers found it droll,
There were too many lamby clones for Mary to control.

No other could control the sheep, since their programs didn't vary:
So the scientists resolved it all by simply cloning Mary!

But now they feel quite sheepish, those scientists unwary,
One problem solved, but what to do with Mary, Mary, Mary...

Author unknown.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 1997 16:35:48 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: "Gimme that old time religion"

Refrain:       Gimme that old time religion
               Gimme that old time religion
               Gimme that REAL old time religion
               It's good enough for me!

We will worship Aphrodite,
Though she's rather young and flighty
And she wears that see-through nightie,
But she's good enough for me!    R.

We will now go pray to Loki,
He's the old Norse god of chaos
Which is why this verse doesn't rhyme or scan,
But it's good enough for me!  R.

We will worship with the Druids
Drinking strange fermented fluids
Running naked through the wo-oods,
And that's good enough for me!   R.

We will now go pray to Buddha,
Of all gods there is none cuter
Comes in silver, brass or pewter,
And that's good enough for me!    R.

We will worship Zarathustra,
We will worship Zarathustra
I'm a Zarathustra boostah,
Cuz he's good enough for me!         R.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 1997 11:53:52 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Banker and The Bet <Crude>

An elderly lady walked into a branch of the Chase Manhattan Bank building
holding a large paper bag in her hand.  She told the young man at the window
that she wished to take the $3 million she had in the bag and open an
account with the bank.  She said that first, though, she would like to meet
the President of Chase Manhattan Bank.  Due to the amount of money involved,
the teller seemed to think that that was a reasonable request and after
opening the paper bag and seeing bundles of $1,000 bills which amounted to
right around $3 million, telephoned the President's secretary to obtain an
appointment for the woman.

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office.
Introductions were made and she stated that she liked to get to know the
people she did business with on a more personal level.  The bank president
then asked her how she came into such a large sum of money.

"Was it an inheritance?" he asked.

"No," she answered.

"Was it from playing the stock market?" he inquired. "No," she replied.

He was quiet for some time, trying to think of where this elderly woman
could possibly have come up with $3 million dollars.

"I bet," she stated.

"As in horses?" he asked.

"No," she replied.  "I bet people."  Seeing his confusion, she explained
that she just bet on different things with people.  All of a sudden she
said, "I'll bet you $25,000 that by 10:00 o'clock tomorrow morning your
balls will be square."

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take
her up on her bet.  He didn't know how he could lose.  For the rest of the
day he was very careful.  He decided to stay home that evening and take no
chances as there was $25,000 at stake.

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make sure
everything was okay.  There was no difference in his scrotal appearance.  He
looked the same as he always had.  He went to work and waited for the woman
to come in at 10:00 o'clock, humming as he went. He knew this would be his
lucky day -- how often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?

At 10:00 o'clock sharp the woman was shown into his office.  With her was a
man. When the bank president asked what the other man was doing in the
office, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always
took him along when there was that much money involved.

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?"

"I don't know how to tell you  this," he replied, "but I'm the same as I've
always been, only $25,000 richer!"

The lady seemed to accept this, but requested that she be able to see
herself.  The bank president thought this was a reasonable request
considering the amount of money involved and dropped his trousers.

She instructed him to bend over and then she grabbed hold of him.  Sure
enough, everything was fine.  His balls were not square.

The bank president then looked up and saw her lawyer, standing across the
room banging his head against the wall.  "What's wrong with him?" he
inquired.

"Oh, him," she answered.  I bet him $100,000 that by 10:00 o'clock this
morning I'd have the president of Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 1997 13:58:37 EST
From:    "Joel M. Rubin" <joelmarshall@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Fly in the beer <poss. off. to Irish>

An englishman, a scotsman, and an irishman are each having a pint at the
pub. A fly lands in the
englishman's beer. He looks disgusted, but fishes the fly out and drinks
it anyway.
When a fly lands in the scotsman's beer, he looks annoyed, but leaves it
in and drinks it down.
Then a fly lands in the irishman's beer. He fishes it out, smacks it on
the back a few times and says...
"Give it back ya thievin' bastard, give it back!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 1997 12:54:15 -0800
From:    Ralph Walter Lewis <ralphwl@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Off color (off to blacks)

This black guy walks into a bar with a beautiful parrot on his shoulder. 'Wow!'
says the bartender. 'That is really something.  Where'd you get it?' 'Africa,'
says the parrot.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 1997 19:02:36 EST
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Smart Dogs <Offensive to Government Bureaucrats> & Bumper Sticker
         Sighting

Four men and their wives had gathered at the home of a mutual friend for
a barbecue.
They were bragging about how smart their dogs were.  There was an
Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker.
The Engineer called to his dog, "T-Square, do your stuff."  "T-Square"
trotted over to a desk inside the house, took out some paper and a pen,
promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was
very clever.
The Accountant said his dog could do better.  He said to his dog, "CPA,
do your stuff." "CPA" went into the kitchen and returned with a dozen
cookies.  The dog divided them into four equal piles of three cookies
each.  Everyone thought this was good.
The Chemist was not impressed and said to his dog, "Measure, do your
stuff."  "Measure" went to the refrigerator, took out a quart of milk,
got a ten ounce glass and proceeded to pour out exactly eight ounces of
milk  without spilling a drop.  Everyone was very impressed.
At this point the three men all turned to the Government Worker and one
of them said, "OK, so what can your dog do?"  The Government Worker
called to his dog, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."  "Coffee Break" jumped
up, ate the cookies, drank the milk, crapped on the floor, sexually
assaulted the other dogs, claiming he injured his back while doing so,
filed a report citing unsafe working conditions, put in for workers
compensation and then went home on sick leave!!


Bumper Sticker spotted today in Southern Maine:

So,  you're against logging the forests of this country?  Try wiping your
butt with plastic toilet tissue!!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 1997 20:50:10 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Humor - State Trooper

A woman was driving down the road one day only to find herself behind a
horse trailer being pulled by a pick-up truck.  As they were driving
along, the back door of the horse trailer came loose and swung open,
exposing the rear end of the horse inside.  Eventually, gastric and
bowel processes completed, the horse's tail lifted and -- voila -- the
woman's windshield was covered in horse stuff.

Now the woman's first instinct was, of course, to turn on the
windshield wipers.  Unfortunately, this only made the situation worse
and as the woman tried to gain control of the car and keep it on the
road, she heard a siren.  Craning her neck out the window to steer the
car onto the shoulder, she noticed that the siren was sounding from
directly behind her and followed her onto the shoulder.

Sitting in her car, trying to regain her composure, a state trooper came
alongside and asked the woman for her license and registration.
Now, it was readily apparent from even a cursory glance, what had
happened to the windshield of the woman's car and she was shocked that
the trooper appeared so callous and had not even enquired as to her
safety.  "What do you want my license and registration for?" asked the
woman.  "You were driving erratically," replied the state trooper.  Now,
almost apoplectic, the woman began fumbling through her purse.  As she
presented the requested documents to the state trooper she asked,
sarcastically, "I suppose you want to sell me a ticket to the state
trooper's ball, also."  The state trooper fixed her with a long, hard
gaze, drew himself up to his full height and replied, "Ma'am.  State
Troopers don't have balls!"  After a momentary pause, the
trooper's face turned several shades of red. He handed back her license
and registration, strode back to his car and drove off.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 31 Mar 1997 23:17:36 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/31/97 - Signs Your Webmaster is in a Cult (fwd)

[ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. ]
[ The Top Five List   top5@walrus.com   http://www.topfive.com ]


             The Top Five List for March 31, 1997

          The Top 15 Signs Your Webmaster is in a Cult

15> Every link seems to take you to www.amway.com.

14> Repetition of same banner ads: Stoli, Mott's...
    Stoli, Mott's...

13> He brings twenty-three wives to the office Holiday Party.

12> Instead of counting up visitors, your site counts down days
    to the apocalypse.

11> Suddenly your travel agency's site is featuring inter-planetary
    excursions for comet watching and one-way tickets to Guyana.

10> His home page says "Best viewed from the Mothership."

 9> Your website's "Hall of Fame" inductees required to do
    stint handing out flowers at airport.

 8> Your website is honored as the David Koresh Fan Club's
    "Site of the Day."

 7> She has 38 roommates, yet is oddly stress-free.

 6> Insists that Sabbath actually begins when "X-files" ends.

 5> Frequently mutters about the "Prophet Steve Jobs" returning
    to rescue the true believers.

 4> Not only does he understand Unix, he *IS* one.

 3> Big "N" on your browser replaced by spinning head of
    Charles Manson.

 2> He only answers to the name, "Doe-bert."


    and the Number 1 Sign Your Webmaster is in a Cult...


 1> Ugly clothes; insufficient diet; lack of sleep; goofy haircut;
    lives in a mansion; has many followe...  Hey, wait a minute!
    That's Bill Gates!!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 31 Mar 1997 to 1 Apr 1997
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