HUMOR Digest - 30 Mar 1997 to 31 Mar 1997
There are 8 messages totalling 407 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Triplets and Messages (both innuendo), Johnny (sexual)
  2. two whales ...
  3. Top Ten Signs You Are Not Going To Graduate From High School This Year
  4. Definition of Easter <off. to Christians w/no sense of humor>
  5. New bike <RUDE>
  6. Best rum cake recipe ever.
  7. You might be a Redneck if...pt8 (141-168 of 168)
  8. In The News - Humorous News Quips

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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 1997 11:57:21 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Triplets and Messages (both innuendo), Johnny (sexual)

Triplets (innuendo)

A woman conceived and the egg divided into three. A few months passed and as
the triplets formed, one turned to the others and said, "When I get outta
here, I'm gonna be an electrician. It's dark in here. I want some light!"
One of the others said, "I'm gonna be a plumber when I get out. It's too wet
in here!" After a while the third one spoke up. "I'm gonna be a greens
keeper when I get out and, when I do, I'm gonna kill that d*mn gopher that
keeps banging into us!"
--------------------
Answering Machine Messages (clean, slight innuendo in first one)

Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya.  We can't pick up the phone right now,
because we're doing something we really enjoy.  Sonya likes doing it up and
down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly.  So leave a message,
and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

A is for academics, B is for beer.  One of those reasons is why we're not
here.  So leave a message.

Hi.  This is John.  If you are the phone company, I already sent the money.
If you are my parents, please send money.  If you are my financial aid
institution, you didn't lend me enough money.  If you are my friends, you
owe me money.  If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

Hi.  I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like.  Leave me a
message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Please leave a message.  However, you have the right to remain silent.
Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.
--------------------
Still more Li'l Johnny (sexual theme)

     Little Johnny and Little Mary were walking home from school one day.
As they walked along, they saw two dogs knotted up along side the road,
fucking.  "What are they doing, Johnny?", Mary asked.  Well, Little
Johnny,being a man of the world for all his 12 years, knew what they were
doing but was embarrassed to say it, so he said, "Well, he's scaring her."
     Little Mary said, "Oh".
     They walked a little farther and Little Mary said, "Scare me, Little
Johnny".  Well, Little Johnny thought, "What the Hell", so he took her into
the bushes and "scared" her.
     After they were finished, they started walking home again.  Pretty
soon, they walked past a stallion mounting a mare in the field.  "What are
they doing, Little Johnny ?", she asked.  "Well, he's scaring her."  So
Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Johnny."  Well, Little Johnny took her
into the bushes and "scared" her again.
     After they were finished, they started walking home again.  Pretty
soon, you guessed it, they saw a bull and a heifer in the field, going at
it. "What are they doing, Little Johnny?", she asked again.  "Well, he's
scaring her", Little Johnny said.  After a few more minutes of walking,
Little Mary said, "Scare me again, Little Johnny".  Now Little Johnny, being
a little tired by now, had just about had enough, so he yelled out,
     "Boo, damn it, boo!"
(all from Giggles)

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 1997 14:31:20 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: two whales ...

So these two whales, male and female, are swimming happily
through the ocean.

On seeing a boat, the male says, "Hey, I've got a great idea! Let's
swim up  under that boat and blow out really hard through our
blowholes!"

The female says, "Uh... I don't know..."

"Come on, it'll be fun, come on, just this once!"

The female agrees and they swim up under the boat and blow out,
capsizing the boat and sending hapless sailors into the briny blue.
As they are swimming away, the male says, "Wow, that was fun, wasn't
it?"

Hey! I've got another idea! Let's swim back there and eat all the
sailors!"

The female, exasperated, replies, "Look, I agreed to the blow job, but
I'm not swallowing any seamen."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 1997 15:30:58 EST
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Top Ten Signs You Are Not Going To Graduate From High School This Year

10. During the fittings for caps and gowns, you are sent out to look for
    four leaf clovers on the football field.
 9. Your only English paper was titled "TV Guide:  Gateway to Viewing
    Pleasure."
 8. You miss a lot of classes to appear in lineups.
 7. During final exams, teachers ask you to go out and get their lunch.
 6. Your rebuttal in the first round of the debate tournament:  "You've
    convinced me!"
 5. Nobody believes the drugs in your locker were planted by "those
    Whitewater dudes."
 4. Johnnie Cochran calls, asking you to serve on his next jury.
 3. They're giving you an "incomplete" in shop until you find the
    teacher's finger.
 2. It's nearly May and you still haven't found your home room.
 1. Your name is Kenny.  This year's prom theme is "Sorry You Won't Be
    Graduating, Kenny."

(From David Letterman's New Book of Top Ten Lists (Bantam))

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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 1997 16:14:38 -0500
From:    Kristin Flachsbart <Oracle359@AOL.COM>
Subject: Definition of Easter <off. to Christians w/no sense of humor>

There were 3 men waiting to enter Heaven.  Before they were allowed to enter,
St. Peter asked each man individually, "Tell me, what is the meaning of
Easter?"

The first man said, "Uh, isn't Easter the holiday when all you family gets
together to eat turkey and then you all watch football afterwards?"

St. Peter shook his head.  "No, no, no...that's not what Easter is."  So St.
Peter walked over to the second man and asked, "Tell me what is the meaning
of Easter?"

The second man replied, "Easter is that holiday where you set up a tree  and
decorate it and that man in the funny red suit comes down the chimney and..."

St. Peter cut him off.  "No, no, no, that's not what Easter is either."  St.
Peter was feeling very discouraged.  Did anybody know what Easter was?  He
walked over to the third man and asked, "Tell me, what is the meaning of
Easter."

The third man answered, "Easter is the holiday when Jesus was crucified on
the cross and then they buried him in a tomb and he stayed there for three
days, and on the third day..."

St. Peter interrupted him, "Stop, don't go any further...let me go get these
other two men."  St. Peter summoned the first two men to come and listen to
the third man's definition of Easter.  "Okay, start over again, tell these
men what is the meaning of Easter."

The third man started again, "Easter is the holiday when Jesus was crucified
on the cross and then they buried him in a tomb and he stayed there for three
days,..."

"Go on, said St. Peter."

"And then on the third day, Jesus rose from the tomb, and if he saw his
shadow, it was six more weeks of bad weather."

Happy Easter!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 1997 21:23:37 +0000
From:    Erik Fleischer <erik@GOLD.COM.BR>
Subject: New bike <RUDE>

WARNING: For those of you who are in a hurry, this is a LONG one.

        There was this guy named Alfred who'd always stop at a Harley Davidson dealership on his way back from work just to have a look at the bike of his dreams. He'd been saving money for a long time when one day he figured he finally had enough to buy the motorbike he so badly lusted after.
        So he went to the dealership and this time walked confidently up to the glittering piece of machinery. A salesperson came to his aid and Fred enquired about the price. The dealer told him that model bike would normally cost 25,000, but that particular one on display had this special cromium-coated handlebar which made it look so spectacular and which would, unfortunately, add
another 1,000 bucks to the price tag.
        Our friend had exactly 25,000, but he was also set on laying his hands on that bike, so he had a LONG talk with the salesman and they ended up reaching a compromise: the dealer would sell him the bike with a cromium-coated handlebar for 25,000, only it would be a second-hand one, taken from a
second-hand bike they had in the store. The dealer, however, warned Fred that because the handlebar was from an earlier model, it had a minor problem: every time it rained, the handlebar would get stained (big, ugly black stains). The only way to prevent this problem was to apply some vaseline to the cromium coat before the rain.
        Well, you can't have everything, so Fred bought the bike and roared away from the dealership, free as a bird on his new bike. He stopped by his girlfriend's to pick her up. As they were planning to get married, tonight they'd be having dinner at her parents' so he could meet them. They rode
over to her parents' place, parked the bike in front of the house and walked up to the porch.
        Just before going in, his girlfriend said she needed to tell him something. She explained how her family kept some traditions and how important some of them were for the family. One of these traditions was that after supper, when everyone was done eating, they would all fall silent. Nobody
said a word. The first one to utter a sound had to do the dishes, which generally included everything left in the kitchen sink since breakfast.
        All right, he thought. Simple: just keep your mouth shut.
        And so he met her parents and they had a wonderful meal. Fred complimented his girlfriend's mother on her cooking and everybody was happy. As soon as the last fork was laid to rest on a plate, the whole family fell silent. Everyone stared at Fred, as if anticipating something, but he kept his
mouth tightly shut. Five minutes went by. Silence. Ten minutes. This was getting boring. Fifteen minutes. Fred could barely hold himself together. Twenty minutes. Twenty-five minutes of silence and Fred just couldn't take it anymore. He got up (in silence), grabbed his girldfriend, pushed her onto the table, ripped her dress open and fucked her, right there and then.  Horrified looks around the table: the whole family was flabbergasted, but nobody said a word. When he was done with his girlfriend and noticed that not a word had been spoken, he grabben her mother, lifted her onto the table, ripped her dress and fucked her as well. More intense horror, but still not a sound. When he
was done with the mother, he heard the rumble of thunder and remembered about his new bike. At that moment he pulled a little jar of vaseline from his pocket. On seeing this, his girlfriend's dad got up from the table and
said, "All right, all right, I'll do the goddamn dishes!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 1997 20:23:02 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Best rum cake recipe ever.

Returning from a 10 day vacation, finding my account filled with almost 20
copies of the famous cookie recipe from neiman-marcus, I decided to pass a
new and better recipe. enjoy =)

BEST RUM CAKE EVER

   1 or 2 quarts rum                baking powder
   1c. butter                       1tsp. soda
   1tsp. sugar                      lemon juice
   2 large egg                      brown sugar
   1c. dried fruit                  nuts

Before you start, sample the rum to check for quality. Good, isn't it? Now
go ahead. Select a large mixing bowl, measuring cup, etc. Check the rum
again. It must be just right. To be sure rum is of the highest quality,
pour one level cup of rum into a glass and drink it as fast as you can.
Repeat. With an electric mixer, beat 1 cup butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add 1 seaspoon of thugar and beat again. Meanwhile, make sure that the rum
is of the finest quality-- try another cup. Open second quart, if
necessary. Add 2 arge leggs, 2 cups fried druit and beat till high. If
druit gets stuck in beaters, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample
the rum again, checking for tonscisticity. Next sift 3 cups of pepper or
salt (it really doesn't matter which). Sample the rum again. Sift 1/2 pint
lemon juice. Fold in chopped butter and strained nuts. Add one babblespoon
of brown thugar, or whatever color you can find. Wix mell. Grease oven and
turn cake pan to 350 gredees. Now pour whole mess into the coven and ake.
Check the rum again, and bo to ged.

____________________________________________

http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 1997 23:33:26 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: You might be a Redneck if...pt8 (141-168 of 168)

YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF ....................
141. Dolly Parton reminds you of the `Grand Tetons'.  (of course this is
     a very sophisticated sophisticated redneck joke... if you
     laughed... you must be a redneck, only they will get this one.)
142. You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet item.
143. Your Momma would rather go the racetrack than the Kennedy Center.
     (Clinton true-life story)
145. The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway Twitty
     record collection (you insurance man is one too if he pays you for it)
146. You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight with
     Alan Jackson.
147. You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
148. You've ever hit a deer with your car... on purpose! "
149. You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
150. Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting events.
151. You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
152. Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
153. Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
154. The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on
     how much gas it has in it.
155. Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the
     restroom was flooded.
156. On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as possible".
157. During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
158. You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets
     light.
159. On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to
     the tractor.
160. Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
161. You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deerhunting.
162. In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?".
163. Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
164. You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are
     "Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
165. Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
166. Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
167. You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car hood.
168. You bring your dog to work with you.

XXX. You actually get offended by Jeff Foxworthy's CD "You Might Be A
     Redneck" (or this posting) ;-)

     WARNING: IF TWENTY OR MORE OF THE ABOVE ARE TRUE ABOUT YOU.... YOU
     ARE A REDNECK, AND SHOULD SEEK CIVILIZED HELP IMMEDIATELY...

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Date:    Sun, 30 Mar 1997 21:20:43 -0800
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times, plus a couple others

WARNING - MAY be offensive to fashion designers, Jack Kevorkian, cult
followers, Los Angelenos, Bill Clinton, Euro Disney, OJ Simpson, the
French, Jerry Lewis, lawyers, tobacco companies, American politicians,
dough people, basketball players who turn to acting, college fraternities.

This just in - Cuba Gooding Jr. has finally finished his acceptance speech,
and he loves you all.

The Academy award ceremony was held last week, and once again we are left
pondering the same question: Where do all those limos go the other 364 days
of the year?

Best supporting actress Juliette Binoche showed up in a lovely red velvet
gown she borrowed from a visiting Vulcan ambassador. (Cutler Daily Scoop)

The California chapter of the Jack Kevorkian Fan Club held its first
convention in San Diego last week. 39 people died. (rec.humor.funny)

The first days of spring in Los Angeles brought temperatures in the 90's,
which begs the question, how do you know it's spring in LA? Everyone
switches from SPF15 to SPF30.

President Clinton has received sympathy from all over the world after his
knee injury.  You kids can join his President Bill's Get Well Club by
sending a homemade card and $50 to the Democratic National Committee.

A Russian official said that NATO's plans to offer membership to former
Soviet satellite nations would be "the West's biggest mistake since the end
of the Cold War." Assuming, of course, you overlook EuroDisney.

OJ Simpson talked to Sports Illustrated magazine. He said he plays golf on
public courses and is put in foursomes with total strangers. That's because
all the people who know him are busy writing books. He said he gets some
"pretty funny reactions" when he meets new golfing partners. Yeah,  like
"Hummm... how can I make money off this... (Daily Scoop)

Dennis Rodman sprained his ankle and may be out of the game for the rest of
the season. With Rodman and Shaquille O'Neal sidelined, fans have cause for
alarm - they could decide to make a movie together.

French scientists say drinking three to four glasses of wine each day can
help prevent Alzheimer's disease. This daily wine consumption may also
explain why the French are still in love with Jerry Lewis.

Research finds that heart attacks might be prevented by a new anti-clotting
drug. Tirofiban is modeled after snake venom and extracted from donor
lawyers.

The Liggett Group admitted that cigarettes are addictive and cause cancer.
Asked for comment, other tobacco companies denied the existence of the
Liggett Group.
(Daily Scoop)

Actually, I think Liggett admitted the dangers of smoking for PR. I mean,
when was the last time anyone bought a Chesterfield? (Maher)

Tobacco companies are facing new anti smoking campaigns, including
billboards and TV commercials. One says the last three men from Marlboro
country died of lung cancer. Tobacco lawyers say this proves that horseback
riding causes lung cancer.

With all the bad press, tobacco stocks are taking a dive. Philip Morris
fell 6 points. They've lost so much money, they may have to lay off two
senators. (Leno)

The governor of Arkansas wants the words "act of God" taken out of a
tornado relief bill so that God will not be blamed for the disaster. It
must have been one of those new artificial tornadoes we've heard so much
about.

Besides, Arkansas has enough to worry about without ticking off God. (Daily
Scoop)

The Pillsbury Doughboy celebrates his 36th birthday this week. His story is
such a tragic one - right after he was born, both of his parents were run
over by a rolling pin. (Leno)

And finally, the national college fraternity Phi Delta Theta has decided to
go alcohol free. It will make their houses pretty easy to spot on campus.
They will be the only ones with live, growing shrubbery around them. (Leno)


*(I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it!)

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End of HUMOR Digest - 30 Mar 1997 to 31 Mar 1997
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