HUMOR Digest - 29 Mar 1997 to 30 Mar 1997
There are 4 messages totalling 207 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Real Classifieds (clean), Custer's Last Words (clean, one off. word)
  2. College Sexuality Class <inoffensive despite topic>
  3. Mass Suicide
  4. what not to name your dog <adult>

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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 1997 10:46:33 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Real Classifieds (clean), Custer's Last Words (clean, one off. word)

     For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie
chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
     Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
     We do not tear your clothing with machinery.  We do it carefully by hand.
     No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it
really repellent.
     Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul,
fresh vagetables, salads, quiche.
     Great Dames for sale.
     Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
     Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
     Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge.  Swim
in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
     Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
     Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
     Stock up and save.  Limit: one.
     Save regularly in our bank.  You'll never reget it.
     Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
     For Sale--Diamonds $20; microscopes $15.
     For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
     Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated?  Come here first!
     Christmans tag-sale.  Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
     Wanted.  Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
     3-year-old teacher needed for pre-school.  Experience preferred.
     Our experienced Mom will care for your child.  Fenced yard, meals, and
smacks included.
     Auto Repair Service.  Free pick-up and delivery.  Try us once, you'll
never go anywhere again.
     Wanted: Preparer of food.  Must be dependable, like the food business,
and be willing to get hands dirty.
     Illiterate?  Write today for free help.
     Mother's helper--peasant working conditions.
     Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
     And now, the Superstore--unequaled in size, unmatched in variety,
unrivaled inconvenience.
     We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
--------------------
     About a year before the official celebrations of the Bicentenary, the
Daughters of America had a Grand Dinner in Washington. The occasion was to
decide on the nature of a 'Gift to the Nation' for the following year. After
much discussion it was decided that this gift should be a work of art. It
was also agreed that it should be a magnificent painting depicting a famous
moment in American history. Eventually it was determined that the painting
should be an abstract and the subject was to be - 'Custer's Last Thoughts'.
     A famous artist was brought in to create this masterpiece and he was
hidden away from all eyes while he worked on his epic. A year later the
painting was finished in time for the great day in Washington when the
Daughters of America met in order to donate this artifact to the Nation. All
the Blue Rinse were there and the First Lady of America was to perform the
ritual presentation.
     A hush descended over the great hall as the moment arrived for the
painting to be revealed. A gentle roll of drums sounded as the curtain was
pulled aside to reveal the great work. And there it was - an enormous canvas
with a lovely blue lake painted in it's center, with a fish leaping from the
water with a beautiful halo around its head. All around on the shores of the
lake were the most detailed pictures of Indians - bonking and fornicating!!!
     You can imagine the uproar, the chaos and the distress caused by this
abomination. The Blue Rinse turned Purple and very soon an explanation was
demanded. The Artist was found and dragged up onto the stage where the
distraught First Lady demanded that he should explain this insult.
     The artist himself was most confused and distressed as he said "But you
asked for a painting of Custer's Last Thoughts!" "Then what is the meaning
of this?" shouted the First Lady and the artist replied "Well I figure he
was thinking - 'Holy mackerel - where did all those fuckin' injuns come from?'"

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

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Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 1997 09:31:08 -0500
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: College Sexuality Class <inoffensive despite topic>

A professor, teaching a college sexuality class, was discussing the wide
variety of frequency-of-sex that could still be considered normal.  "Many
people find that sex every other week is sufficient frequency to satisfy--and
that's fine.  Yet others want to make love nightly--and there's nothing wrong
with that either.  Let's take an informal survey of this class.  Don't be
embarrassed.  Please answer honestly.  How many people here make love more
than twice a week?"  A few hands shot up.  "Twice a week?" A few more hands.
 "Weekly, on average?"  Many hands.  "Once every two weeks?" he continued,
and "Once a month?" and "Once every several months?" and finally, "Once a
year?"  At this last category, one hand shot up, waving most eagerly.
 "Pardon my curiosity," the professor asked, "but if you only make love once
a year, why are you so excited over it?"  Replied the student, "Tonight's the
night!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 17:14:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Mass Suicide

>Sent From: Tim Robinson <timtroyr@ionet.net>

RANCHO SANTA FE, CALIFORNIA, APRIL 1 -

The 39 men and women found dead after an apparent mass suicide were
evidently web developers who were despondent about the delayed release
of Microsoft Corporation's Internet Explorer 4.0 web browser.  The
victims were all members of a web design firm called "Higher Source
Contract Enterprises."

The San Diego County Sheriff's department confirmed the finding of a
suicide note located in the Windows "Recycle Bin" of one of the servers
used by the group.  In the note, one of the Higher Source employees was
quoted as saying "We can't take the wait anymore" and "life is just
unbearable without IE 4.0."

A Microsoft employee who asked not to be named confirmed that
approximately 2,751 requests had been received from Higher Source
members to join the beta testing program for the Internet Explorer
software, but that these requests had gone unanswered.  "The betareq
people are overloaded with requests," he said.  "We're still trying to
finish fulfilling kits for the Windows 95 Preview Program."

At least two of Higher Source's clients admitted that Higher Source
representatives had promised them web sites built using Internet
Explorer 4.0.  One client said that he had been promised a "Dynamic
HTML web site with CDF push channels" by April 1, 1997.  Authorities
have speculated that it was this impending deadline, along with the
inability to obtain the required software, that might have prompted the
group to rash action.

Crime scene photos show that at least some members of Higher Source
attempted to switch to Netscape Corporation technology at the last
minute. In some of the photographs, open manuals for Netscape's
"Constellation" beta software can be seen with handwritten notes in the
margin such as "THIS DOESN'T WORK!!!!" and "NOT CSS COMPLIANT!!!!"

"Higher Source believed a rumor posted on Usenet that IE 4.0 Platform
Preview was available on a rogue FTP site located behind the Hale-Bopp
comet," said a spokesperson for the Sheriff's department.  "They
believed they needed to become 'one' with the comet in order to
download Internet Explorer."

Forensic pathologists have speculated that the web design group's
nearly exclusive diet of Pop Tarts, pizza, and Jolt cola was a
contributory factor in the group psychosis.

The InterNIC registry, run by Network Solutions Inc. of Herndon,
Virginia has confirmed that there are currently no Internet sites
registered on or behind the Hale-Bopp comet, while admitting to a
27-month backlog of domain name requests.

Officials at Microsoft Corporation could not be reached for comment.

---
*My beard grows faster on a full moon.. Wonder why???

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 29 Mar 1997 12:38:05 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: what not to name your dog <adult>


WHAT NOT TO NAME YOUR DOG

Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy".  I call mine Sex.
Sex has been embarrassing to me.  When I went to City Hall to renew
his license, I told the clerk I would like to have a license for Sex; he
said he would like one too.

Then I said, "But this is a dog."  He said he didn't care what she looked
like.  Then I said, "You don't understand.  I have had Sex since I was 9
years old."  He said I must have been quite a kid.

When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took the dog with me.  I
told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me, and a special
room for Sex.

He said that every room in the place was for sex.  I said, "You don't
understand, Sex keeps me awake at night."  The clerk said, "Me too."

One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the
dog ran away and a contestant asked me why I was standing there looking
around.  I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest.  He told me
that I should have sold my own tickets.  "But you don't understand," I
said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."  He called me a show-off.

When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of
the dog.

I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married."  The judge said,
"Me too."  Then I told him that after I was separated, Sex left me.  He
said "Me too."

Last night Sex ran off again.  I spent hours looking around town for him.
A cop came over to me and asked me, "What are you doing in this alley at
4:00 in the morning."  I said, "I am looking for Sex."  My case comes up
on Friday.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 29 Mar 1997 to 30 Mar 1997
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