HUMOR Digest - 28 Mar 1997 to 29 Mar 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 614 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Top 10 Warning Signs Before Renting in Rancho Santa Fe, California
  2. New Intel Chip
  3. Li'l Johnny (off. language), Candle (clean), Sex Ed (innuendo)
  4. Not Enough <clean>
  5. jock quotes <clean>
  6. All about beer (non-offensive)
  7. Law on the March
  8. The Results of "God's Friday"
  9. the dishes <adult>
 10. sexual humor (R-rated)
 11. Food for thought
 12. It's A Wacky World  (nauseating)
 13. Fast Food (poss off to Swahilli, and McDonald's patrons)
 14. Sex humor
 15. Nelson Mandela <offensive to chineese?>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 02:10:01 -0500
From:    Ken Carll <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: Top 10 Warning Signs Before Renting in Rancho Santa Fe, California

Top 10 Warning Signs Before Renting in Rancho Santa Fe, California

10. Ad in paper says "Sleeps 39"
 9. No mention of return of security deposit
 8. Stereo plays only music by rock group "The Cult"
 7. Amenities include gas oven
 6. References of main lessee include Dr. Jack Kervorkian
 5. Rental agreement asks for next of kin
 4. House vacant due to extended vacation in Guyana
 3. Four words: Matching pants and shoes
 2. Mailbox filled with forwarded mail from Waco, Texas
 1. Piped in music? Theme from "M*A*S*H"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 02:28:23 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: New Intel Chip

INTRODUCING the greatest and most powerful new chip out
of INTEL's(TM) Microporcessor Labs: The Potato(TM) Chip.

Finally, with much fanfare, the newest upgrade to the
best selling Pentium(TM) processor is released.  The
Potato(TM) Chip uses the latest in biochemical and
electonic engineering.  This newly developed organic
microprocessor outshines the previous generation.

The Potato(TM) Chip has 100% more speed, 100% more memory,
1/10th the heat generation and 100000% more starch then
the traditional 200Mhz PentiumPro(TM) Chip.

The new Potato(TM) Chip will soon be available in several
flavors:  Standard for the genaric PC, Barbique for those
engineers and scientists who need an extra kick, Cajun for
secretaries so that the engineers can drool over it, sour-
cream and onions for the very low end user, and Low
Sodium for the laptop market.

Soon a modified version of the Potato(TM) Chip will be
released for the Very High End Computing sector.
The new chip will be used in powerful parallel and
supercomputer systems.  The chip will have a slightly
modified shape, color, and will be stackable.  This
project is code named Pringles(TM).

Intel(TM) is beating out Motorola(TM) by two months
for its own new chip: The Tortilla(TM) Chip.  Industry
insiders believe that the marketing hype for the
Tortilla(TM) chip is overblown.  Motorola's(TM) new
chip is just too late and too underpowered compared
to the Intel processor.  In addition, the Tortilla(TM)
is completely incompatible with the Potato(TM) Chip
and is based upon a very different technology.

For more information contact Intel sales at:
bitethischip@intel.com
---------------------------
History:
This was a challenge from my wife's co-worker,
for me to design the most perfect potato chip.
I hope I did a good job.

                Written by: (Shelby Raymond @ cherry-semi-com)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 11:42:47 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Li'l Johnny (off. language), Candle (clean), Sex Ed (innuendo)

More Little Johnny (off. language)

        Johnny walks into a whorehouse. He's holding a shoebox under his
arm. He reaches up to the counter and rings the bell. Out comes the madame.
She looks down at Johnny and says to him, "Well, well, what can we do for
you little boy?"
        "Yeah, I wanna fuck a bitch with aids."
        The madame is a little shocked. "Excuse me?"
        "Open yer fuckin' ears, bitch! I wanna girl with aids!"
        She laughs at Johnny mockingly and says to him, "You do realize that
this kind of thing costs money, you know."
        She stops laughing when Johnny slams down three hundred dollars on
the counter. "Money's not a problem, lady."
        "What do you want a girl with aids for?" the madame asks.
        "That ain't none of yer business. You gonna give me the bitch with
aids or what?"
        "Okay, little boy, you do seem quite serious. I'll go and get her.
By the way, what's in the shoebox?"
        Johnny snaps back "That ain't none of yer business either."
        The madame stares Johnny down and says, "Yes it is my business,
because I have to look out for my girls. What's in that box?"
        Johnny opens it and there's a dead frog inside. The madame looks
puzzled. Johnny explains it to her. "Okay, I fuck the bitch with aids, then
I get aids. I fuck my babysitter and she gets aids. She fucks my dad and he
gets aids. My dad fucks my mom and she gets aids. My mom fucks the mailman
and he gets aids and that's the motherfucker who stepped on my pet frog!"
(from Giggles)
--------------------
The Candle (clean)

     Mrs. O'Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street in Dublin, and coming
in the opposite direction was Father O'Rafferty.
     "Hello," said the Father, "And hows Mrs. O'Donovan, didn't I marry you
two years ago?"
     "You did that, Father."
     "And are there any little ones yet?"
     "No, not yet, Father." Said she.
     "Well now, I'm going to Rome next week, and I'll light a candle for you."
     "Thank-you, Father." And away she went.
     A few years later they met again.
     "Well now, Mrs. O'Donovan," said the Father, "how are you?"
     "Oh, very well," said she.
     "And tell me," he said, "have you any little ones yet?"
     "Oh yes, Father. I've had three sets of twins, and four singles - ten"
in all."
     "Now isn't that wonderful," he said "And how is your lovely husband?"
     "Oh," she said, "he's over in Rome to blow that bloody candle out!"
--------------------
Credit to Lee Dixon of Nerdnosh... (innuendo)

     I once took a sex education class in college and a funny thing happened
one day:
     The professor arrived and said we'd be discussing positions that day
and asked us how many positions did we know.  I sat there too embarassed to
speak but one gal a couple of seats over said, "Twelve."
     The professor nodded approval but as he got ready to call on another
hand there was a loud call from the far back row of the 150 seat auditorium,
"A hundred and one."
     The little professor looked over his thick glasses but couldn't make
out who had spoken.  Finally he called on a fellow down in the front row who
replied, "Seven."
     And once again from the very back was heard, "A hundred and one."
     Finally he called on a very shy lady sitting next to me.  At first she
acted like she wasn't going to answer.  Finally she said, "Only one sir."
     And the professor said, "Well young lady that is unusual.  And what
position would that be?"
     "With the man on top and woman on the bottom," she replied.
     And from the back of the room came that same voice, "A hundred and two!"

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 12:05:52 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Not Enough <clean>

"We have enough lions."

(Attributed to Emperor Caius Aurelius Valerius Diocletianus in 303
AD, answering questions in the Senate about the  threat  represented
by the Christians to the Tetrarchy, with the possible
destabilisation of the Empire and the obvious risk of the end of
civilization as we know it).

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 07:28:02 -0500
From:    Ross Stocks <ROSS.STOCKS.PSD36651@NT.COM>
Subject: jock quotes <clean>

The collection of athletic quotes reminded me of this gem from my alma
mater, North Carolina State University. It was during the mid 1980's
heyday of basketball coach Jim Valvano. One of the players, Charles
Shackleford I think, was giving a post game interview. The interviewer
asked him a question about whether he prefered one position over another
on the court, implying a preference for right or left-handed shooting.
The response was no preference. He guessed he had always been pretty
much amphibious.

(If anyone knows the exact quote, I'd be grateful if you would send it
to me.)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 09:27:33 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: All about beer (non-offensive)

     From a friend - no idea where it came from.

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
       --Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself
a pleasure.
       --Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of alcohol.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank
her.
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
       --W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beerholder.

Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink.
       --Lady Astor to Winston Churchill
Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it.
       --His reply

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomaches.
       --David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
       --Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
       --Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life,
so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
       --Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

Beer is good food.

you don't like jail?
naw, they got the wrong kind of bars in there.
       --Charles Bukowski

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it
makes beer shoot out your nose.
       --Deep Thought, Jack Handy

It's better to have beer in hand than gas in tank.

Life is too short to drink cheap beer.

Beer - it's not just for breakfast anymore

Beer: Nature's laxative.

Beer. If you can't taste it, why bother!

One more drink and I'd be under the host.
       --Dorothy Parker

All other nations are drinking Ray Charles beer and we are drinking
Barry Manilow.
       --Dave Barry

When I heated my home with oil, I used an average of 800 gallons a year.
I have found that I can keep comfortably warm for an entire winter with
slightly over half that quantity of beer.
       --Postpetroleum Guzzler, Dave Barry

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is
beer.  Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the
wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
       --Dave Barry's Bad Habits, Dave Barry

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and
oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital
ingredient in beer.
       --Dave Barry

My problem with most athletic challenges is training. I'm lazy and find
that workouts cut into my drinking time.
       --A Wolverine is Eating My Leg

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
       --Humphrey Bogart

Friends don't let friends drink Light Beer.

If nothing beats a Bud, given the choice, I'd take the nothing...

Draft beer, not people!

Adhere to Schweinheitsgebot. Don't put anything in your beer that a pig
wouldn't eat.
       --David Geary

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
       --David Moulton

A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
       --Edward Abbey

People who drink light "beer" don't like the taste of beer; they just
like to pee a lot.
       --Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI

Put it back in the horse!
       --H. Allen Smith, an American humorist in the '30s-'50s, after he
         drank his first American beer at a bar.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 09:55:10 -0500
From:    Joel Rosen <Metnorm@AOL.COM>
Subject: Law on the March

Free Charlie

Charlie Manson's request for parole has been denied. When notified that he
would spend at least another five years in jail, the leader of the century's
most bizarre murder cult said, "That's cool."

Source: Reuters
------------------------

I Loved That Fox.
I Never Would Have Hurt It!

The judge in the O.J. Simpson civil trial has ordered the acquitted murderer
to turn over more than 100 personal items for sale in partial satisfaction of
the $33.5 million judgment against him. The items include O.J.'s Heisman
Trophy, his golf clubs, an Andy Warhol silkscreen of the Juice, a Buffalo
Bills football helmet, a 140 carat gold necklace with 89 diamonds, and a
$26,500 amber fox fur. The total value of the items is about $500,000.

Source: AP

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 10:45:58 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: The Results of "God's Friday"

Pastor Schwartzerd had had a very bad day.  There were more problems
with the furnace at the church, some on-going disagreements with the
Sexton had come to a head and there had been a rebellion by certain
members of the Council over his soft anti-Catholic statements from the
pulpit.  He would just as soon have gone straight home after such a day,
but had to stop to visit one of the elderly sisters of the church who was
ailing and near death.

Miss Anna had been rather wild in her youth, drinking a bit too much and
chasing after men, but she had pretty much reformed later on and had
become one of the pillars of the community.  Pastor Schwartzerd began his
visit with her by chatting a bit about how she was doing and sharing a
prayer.  Things went fairly well, even though Miss Anna seemed to be half
asleep.

The Pastor's eyes wandered about the room taking in the photos of Miss
Anna's Sunday School students and other momentos, but then he saw the
bottle on her night stand.  She was drinking again.  All of his Pastoral
skills deserted him in one explosive outburst.

"Anna, you're drinking again!  Here you are, about to meet St. Peter at the
Gates and you'll arrive with the stench of liquor on you!  What can you
possibly say to him to avoid the judgment of condemnation you'll so richly
deserve?"

Miss Anna raised one eye a bit and said, "Cock-a-doodle-doo?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 11:48:34 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: the dishes <adult>

       Steve is shopping for a new motorcycle.  He finally finds one for a
great price, but it's missing a seal, so whenever it rains he has to smear
vaseline over the spot where the seal should be.   Anyway, his girlfriend is
having him over for dinner to meet her parents.  He drives his new bike to
her house, where she is outside waiting for him.  "No matter what happens at
dinner tonight, don't say a word."  She tells him, "Our family had a fight a
while ago about doing dishes.  We haven't done any since, but the first
person to speak at dinner has to do them."
        Steve sits down for dinner and it is just how she described it.
Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen, and nobody is saying a
word. So Steve decides to have a little fun.  He grabs his girlfriend,
throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of her parents.   His
girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom
horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word.
A few minutes later he grabs her mom, throws her on the table and does a
repeat performance.  Now his girlfriend is furious, her dad is boiling, and
her mother is a little happier.  But still there is complete silence at the
table.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.
Steve remembers his  motorcycle.  He jumps up and grabs his jar of vaseline.
Upon witnessing this, his girlfriend's father backs away from the table and
screams,

"OKAY, ENOUGH ALREADY, I'LL DO THE FUCKING DISHES!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 08:53:36 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: sexual humor (R-rated)

    Two couples decide to spend the weekend at a mountain resort. When
 they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a
 trial.
    After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his
 new partner and said, "Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years...
 I wonder how the girls are doing?"

Thanks Stena in Denmark and JokeMaster <Jokester@bridge.net>.

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 12:36:16 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Food for thought

   Honest criticism is hard to take, particularly from
    a relative, a friend, an acquaintance, or a stranger.
   Is sloppiness in speech caused by ignorance or apathy?
    We don't know and we don't care.
   If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of
    the television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.
   Man is the only animal that laughs or has a state
    legislature.
   Paradise is exactly like where you are right now,
    only much, much better.
   There are 350 varieties of shark, not counting loan
    and pool.
   Correct me if I'm wrong, but hasn't the fine line
    between sanity and madness gotten finer?
   Hippy dippy weather forecast for tonight:  dark.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 16:13:39 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World  (nauseating)

                       Man Sues Over Mouse Sandwich

 WALKERSVILLE, Maryland (AP) (c) -- A golfer whose clubhouse snack turned
out to be a mustard-slathered mouse in a bun is demanding a half-million
dollars for the alleged practical joke.

 Terry Lee was waiting to start a round at the Glade Valley Golf Club in
December when maintenance worker Charles Shawver handed him a foil-wrapped
sandwich.

 Lee thought it was a hot dog and took a bite, learning only then he had
eaten mouse.  Club manager James Reck said Tuesday the distasteful incident
was a prank between two friends. But Lee isn't laughing. He has filed a
$500,000 lawsuit against the club and Shawver.

 Ever since the "highly offensive contact," Lee claims he's suffered
emotional pain from knowing dead rodents carry potentially fatal diseases.

 Calls to Shawver's home were not returned.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 17:15:52 -0500
From:    Robert Bollig <DEVILFISH@AOL.COM>
Subject: Fast Food (poss off to Swahilli, and McDonald's patrons)

Well it's not all that funny, but at least it's original....

What the heck keeps McDonald's in business?  I mean, at least with Burger
King they have a fairly good breakfast menu.  Those frech toast sticks may
not taste great, but who could pass up the opportunity to dunk french toast?
 With McDonald's there is nothing at all on the menu that looks apetizing.

"Yeah I'll have the 'Two Gram Hamburger Cooked in Ten Pounds of Lard Extra
Value Meal,' and uhhhh, gimme a few of those 'What Freaking Part of the
Chicken did THESE Come from? McNuggets,' and uhhhh, how bout a large order of
'Half the width of a Human Hair Potato Slices Fried for 40 Days and 40 Nights
in Deep Fat.'"  "Would you like a shake with that?"  "No thank you, I'm
watching my weight."  "Drive around."

And what is the deal with those shakes anyway?  Do they put cement mix in
them or something?  I mean come on I just want something cold, I didn't
expect to have to bring a spotter with me.  Geez you suck on one of those
things and your fillings pop out before you even get a taste of it.  I mean
it's pretty sad when you have to suck on something so hard that your cheeks
touch in the middle.  You get done with one of those thing and not only is
all the shake still in the cup, so's half your digestive tract.

So anyway, as I'm sure you can tell, I made the horrible mistake of actually
visiting a McDonald's today, something I haven't done (willingly, at least)
in literally years.  The first thing I noticed was that no matter how much
time passes, tacky is still tacky.  This place actually has plastic plants
'growing' out of boxes hanging 5 inches from the ceiling.  These things are
spead all through the store.  I felt like I was in _Login's Run_ when they
walk into congress, or an episode of Star Trek that's supposed to be set in a
jungle.  Of course in the middle of all this was a fireplace encased in
glass.  Of course there wasn't a real fire, a real fire would have melted the
logs.

Now walking up to the counter I noticed something odd.  No children.  No
children in the entire place.  this business is being supported by thinking
adults!  How the heck is this possible???  Now I could understand little kids
being seduced by this ugly little building obviously designed by someone on
several hallucinogenic substances at the time (like the chicken sandwich,)
but grown adults?

After standing in line for a while, breathing in the cool scent of newly
slaughtered harp seal wafting in from the kitchen, I made it up to the front.
 Oh that was a wonderful experience.  They're having some kind employee
exchange program apparently.  I had to order over the sound of people yelling
at each other from across the room in Swahilli.  Looking into the back I
could see that they didn't really even need an exchange program.  I now
understand why McDonald's doesn't take credit cards.  If anyone had said the
word 'Visa' half of the employees would have gone running out the back door.


I also noticed an even more interesting little thing.  It wasn't completely
visible from where I was standing but across the top it read 'Expiration Time
for Front Line Items."  Obviously it told how long a food item could be kept
on the little rack behind the registers.  Now I couldn't see the names of the
items but I could see the times, at the top they read "1 Hour" and "3 Hours"
and such, but down near the bottom they were more along the lines of "12
Hours" and "16 Hours."  At the VERY bottom there were 2 item that actually
read (and I swear I saw this) "7 Days."  SEVEN DAYS folks!  That means that
that cheesburger might have been made a week ago!  Come on, this is beef not
fine wine!!!  They could grow a new cow in seven days!

Well I sat down with my Fish Fillet, french fries, and Mega-HorseTrough sized
drink.  Now I want to ask you a question, and I want you to be honest.  How
the hell does someone screw up fish???  I mean you have a fish, you put some
batter on it, you drop it in the frier, am I right?  Well these guys found
some way.  Oh and the fries they were nice, I don't know if Lot's wife fell
into my order or what.  Of course the meal was made much better by the
entertainment.  They had a big miror like you see on the side of an
18-wheeler mounted at register level peering around the wall dividing the
kitchen from the rest of the restaurant.  I guess they were afraid someone
was going to steal the plastic plants or something.  Of course with the
alertness of these people, I probably could have stolen the mirror.  Good
chance it would have tasted better than anything on the menu too.  But the
real entertainment came with the wonderful lady who removed the bin from the
garbage can next to me and began pounding the inside with a broomstick, she
did this for about 10 minutes.  I'm not sure whether she was compressing the
trash or just trying to kill whatever was down there, but she was doing a
fine job of it.  I'm pretty sure she was the manager of the place.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 18:49:52 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Sex humor

God told man, "I'm going to give you ten years of a normal sex life."
Man said, "That's not enough.  The way I feel, I need much more."
God said, "If I give you something, don't complain."
Man said, "But sex isn't just SOMETHING."
God said, "Look, I'm busy.  We'll talk again."

God called the King of the Beasts to him and said, "Lion, you've got
twenty years of sex life."
The lion said, "Ten will be enough."
Man said, "Let me have the extra ten."
God nodded and said "You've got it."

God then gave the monkey twenty years.  The monkey said that ten would
be enough.  Man raised his hand, God nodded and gave him the extra ten.

Before the day was over, God had given ten years the donkey didn't want
and a final ten that the parrots couldn't use.

That may explain why men have ten normal years of sex, ten years of lion
about it, ten years of monkeying around with it, ten years of being an
ass about it, and ten years of talking about it!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 13:27:45 PST
From:    "Jay Sandhu [ESRI-Redlands]" <jsandhu@ESRI.COM>
Subject: Nelson Mandela <offensive to chineese?>

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a
knock at the door.

When he opens it, he is confronted by a little chinese man, clutching a
clipboard and yelling: "You sign! You sign!". Behind him is an enormous
truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete
amazement when the chinese man starts to yell louder. "You sign! You
sign!" Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong
bloke. Sod off." and shuts the door in his face.

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the
little chinese man is back, with a huge truck full of brake pads. He
thrusts his clipboard under Nelsons nose, yelling "You sign! You sign!"

Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little
chinese man back, shouting: "Look, sod off! You've got the wrong bloke!
I don't want them!" then slams the door in his face again.

The following day Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, hears a
knock on the door again. Upon opening the door, the little chinese man
thrusts the same clipboard under his nose, shouting "You sign! You
sign!". Behind him are TWO large trucks full of car parts.  Nelson
loses his temper completely, picks the little man up by his shirt front
and yells at him: "look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You
must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"

The little chinese man looks at him a bit puzzled, consults his
clipboard, and says: "You not Nissan Maindealer?"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Mar 1997 to 29 Mar 1997
************************************************
