HUMOR Digest - 27 Mar 1997 to 28 Mar 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 571 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Easter Jokes <May Be Offensive To Some Christians, Not This One>
  2. Desert Asylum (offensive to people in mental institutions)
  3. Frisbeetarianism
  4. Star Wars Marketing Tie-ins (mildly suggestive)
  5. Ventriloquist (innuendo) & Facts (clean), and Auto Support (clean)
  6. 118 ways barney should die 3/3 <offensive to barney lovers>
  7. Computer Terms as defined by Rural Canadians
  8. M&Ms and Genetics (clean)
  9. HUMOR: Nurses and Nuns
 10. Quotes from athletes (poss. offensive to athletes)
 11. You might be a Redneck if... pt7 (121-140 of 168)
 12. OJ Simpson <Offensive to OJ>
 13. It's A Wacky World
 14. Tickle me Elmo < Offensive to Men >

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Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 1997 02:48:11 -0500
From:    Hal Tremper <Quixote96@AOL.COM>
Subject: Easter Jokes <May Be Offensive To Some Christians, Not This One>

Here is my annual contribution of Easter jokes:

Jesus was nailed to a cross which was erected between those of two notorious
criminals. The man to his right said,"Everyone knows us two are here because
we are thieves and murderers, but what are you here for, brother?". Jesus
answered, "littering". (All those palms). The man to his left spit on the
ground and said, "Then you're no brother of ours". Then Jesus said, "And
creating a nuisance." The man to his left smiled and said, "I apologize
brother. For a minute there, I was afraid they put you up here just to
disgrace us."

Easter is celebrated by Christians worldwide, but Christians in Asia
celebrate Easter than the rest of us.

 OJ Simpson  sure has benefited from our
modern legal and medical systems. If he had lived in Roman times, he would
have undergone a brutal cross examination, and suffered badly from hangnails.

Of course, he might have been saved by religion. In those days, preachers had
a way of getting across.

Marsha Clark and Chris Darden would have found themselves working at cross
purposes.

You might groan at my jokes, but if a Roman had told them, they would be
excruciating.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 1997 03:03:49 -0500
From:    Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: Desert Asylum (offensive to people in mental institutions)

A man was driving through a desert valley in which the only inhabited
structure was an insane asylum that had been installed on a reconstructed
ranch.  The road passed right by the main building, and right in front of
the building was a cattle guard.

(Digression: for those that have never been near a cattle ranch, a cattle
guard is an invention that allow roads to run through barbed wire fences
without needing gates.  You dig a pit in the road and lay train rails
across it at two inch intervals.  Cars can roll over it, people can walk
over it, but cows, with their tiny little hooves, can't.)

So he crossed the cattle guard and awakened a jackrabbit that bolted
across the road.  He swerved instinctually to the left onto the shoulder,
and hit a primordial spur that was half buried in the dirt.  His tire blew
out with a bang.

He came to a stop, took off the hub cap, took off all the nuts and put
them in the hub cap, took off the tire, put on the spare, stepped back to
get the first nut -- and stepped on the edge of the hubcap, catapulting
all of his nuts down the cattle guard.

He was dumbfounded.  And then he was despairing.  He said, "What am I
going to do?  I'm trapped in the middle of the desert, and all I have are
three tires!"

All this time a guy was watching him through the bars.  And now he said
"Why don't you take one nut off each of the other three tires?  That'll
hold the tire on until you get to town, where they can give you the extra
nuts and tighten it all up with an airhammer."

The guy did a double take and realized That's it.  That's the only
solution.  And he asked, "What are you doing in there?  You're smarter
than people I meet on the street everyday."

And the guy answered. "I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm
stupid."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 1997 03:16:54 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Frisbeetarianism

   Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die,
   your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 1997 05:49:37 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Star Wars Marketing Tie-ins (mildly suggestive)

   [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
   [ The Top Five List    top5@walrus.com   www.topfive.com ]
================================================================
            The Top Five List for March 26, 1997

    The Top 15 Rejected Star Wars Trilogy Marketing Tie-ins

15> The "Princess LeiaMe" blow-up doll

14> Chewbacca Chew'n T'bacca, from Skoal

13> Princess Chia

12> Lando Calrissian Cognac -- 40 Parsecs of smoooooth

11> R2D2, C3PO & KY4U "Adult Action Figures"

10> Han Solo Cups

 9> "Do you know me?  Probably not, if I'm out of my Stormtrooper
     uniform.  That's why I carry American Express."

 8> McDonald's Ewok Burger Happy Meal

 7> Metamucil - "May the Force run through you!"

 6> Darth Vader Ginsberg doll -- Black robe and goofy glasses sold
    separately

 5> Tampex Tampons, now with starfighter X-wings and lightsabre
    applicator

 4> Volkswagon's "Return of the Jetta"

 3> "Ewok On A Stick" toilet brushes

 2> Darth Vibrader

 and the Number 1 Rejected Star Wars Trilogy Marketing Tie-in...

 1> Barbie Wan Kenobie's Malibu Deathstar

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 1997 12:56:35 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Ventriloquist (innuendo) & Facts (clean), and Auto Support (clean)

A ventriloquist who had retired from show business decided to try the rural
life, so he went to inspect a farm that was for sale.  The farmer was
showing him around, and the ventriloquist - who loved practical jokes -
couldn't resist playing a little prank.  As they walked through the
barnyard, a cow standing by the fence suddenly spoke - or seemed to.  "Your
hands are awfully cold when you milk me in the morning," the cow said.

The farmer gave the cow a startled look.  Then a passing chicken complained,
"I wish you'd collect the eggs sooner."  The farmer looked stricken.  The
ventriloquist didn't say a word, and they continued walking on.

As they approached some sheep, the farmer said, "Don't believe anything
these sheep say.  They're terrible liars."
--------------------
If Earth's population shrank to a village of precisely 100 people, it would
look - with all existing human ratios - like this:

* There would be 57 Asians, 21 Europeans, 14 from the Western Hemisphere
  (North and South America), and 8 Africans.
* 51 would be female, 49 male.
* 70 non-white, 30 white.
* 70 non-Christian, 30 Christian.
* Half of the entire world's wealth would be in the hands of only six people
  - all U.S. citizens.
* 80 would live in sub-standard housing.
* 70 would be unable to read.
* 50 would suffer from malnutrition.
* One would be near death, and one near birth.
* Only one would have a university education.
* No one would own a computer.
--------------------
If People Bought Cars the Way They Buy Computers...

  Helpline:  General Motors Help Line. How can I help you?
  Customer:  I got in my car and closed the door, and nothing happened.
  Helpline:  Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
  Customer:  What's an ignition?
  Helpline:  It's a starter motor that draws current from your battery and
             turns over the engine.
  Customer:  Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to know all
             of those technical terms just to use my car?

  Helpline:  General Motors Help Line. How can I help you?
  Customer:  My car ran fine for a week but now it won't go anywhere!
  Helpline:  Is the gas tank empty?
  Customer:  Huh? How do I know?
  Helpline:  There's a little gauge on the front panel, with a needle and
             markings from 'E' to 'F'. Where's the needle pointing?
  Customer:  It's pointing to 'E'. What does that mean?
  Helpline:  It means you have to visit a gasoline vendor and purchase some
             more gasoline. You can install it yourself or pay the vendor to
             install it for you.
  Customer:  What! I paid $12,000 for this car. Now you tell me that I have
             to keep buying more components? I wanted a car with everything
             built in!

  Helpline:  General Motors Help Line. How can I help you?
  Customer:  Your cars suck!
  Helpline:  What's wrong?
  Customer:  It crashed, that's what's wrong.
  Helpline:  What were you doing?
  Customer:  I wanted to go faster, so I pushed the accelerator pedal to the
             floor. It worked for a while, but then it crashed. Now it
             won't start!
  Helpline:  It's your responsibility if you misuse the product. What do you
             expect us to do about it?
  Customer:  I want you to send me one of the latest versions that doesn't
             crash anymore.

  Helpline:  General Motors Help Line. How can I help you?
  Customer:  Hi, I just bought my first car and I chose your car because it
             has automatic transmission, cruise control, power steering, power
             brakes and power door locks.
  Helpline:  Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
  Customer:  How do I work it?
  Helpline:  Do you know how to drive?
  Customer:  Do I know to what?
  Helpline:  Do you know how to drive?
  Customer:  I'm not a technical person, I just want to go places.
(from Giggles)

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 1997 08:38:12 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: 118 ways barney should die 3/3 <offensive to barney lovers>

118 ways barney should die 3/3

 79. Purple Jonestown reagent.
 80. Visit to the taxidermist.
 81. Blasted with a Neuron-T-disrupter.
 82. Take him off Prozac.
 83. Forced to watch "The Wall" video without his happy pills.
 84. 100 hours of continuous "Black Sabbath".
 85. Give him a lead role in a snuff film.
 86. Tar and feathered by crazed parents.
 87. Spontaneous combustion.
 88. Bludgeoned to purple paste.
 89. Compressed to a singularity.
 90. Bent, folded and mutilated by Canada Post.
 91. Send him to a Bill's game dressed as a Miami Dolphin.
 92. The plague
 93. Extruded through microcapilliaries.
 94. Forced to spend a week with Bart Simpson.
 95. Barney goes for a spin on a cyclotron. Too bad about the sudden stop.
 97. Pre-mortum autopsy reveals that Barney's head is full of worms.
 98. Massage with a stun gun.
 99. Heat pastuerization.
100. Barney stars in an Itchy and Scratchy movie.
101. Abandoned in a sensory deprivation tank.
102. Barney meets Elmira (I'm gonna hug him and squeeze him to itty bitty
     pieces.)
103. Put Barney in an old Star Trek episode, in a RED SHIRT.
104. Put Barney in a Star Trek Next Generation episode, in a gold shirt.
105. Make him the drummer of Spinal Tap.
106. Use him as a zap-o-matic target.
107. Paint him green & give him to Gallager for his Sledge-o-matic.
108. Paint him green & give him to David Letterman for a 10 story drop.
109. Confine him with Marvin the Paranoid Android (Douglas Adams).
110. Put a horse collar on him and abandom him on alt.sex.beastiality.
111. Stick him in a car with Ted Kennedy near a bridge.
112. Paint "Branch Dividian & Proud of it" and drop him off at the BATF hq.
113. Put him on a blind date with Lorena Bobbit AFTER she gets her new set
     of Ginsu(tm) knives.
114. Barney scrapple.
115. Bury him next to Jimmy Hoffa.
116. Tell Tipper Gore he sings on how to masterbate.
117. Recreate the Challenger accident woth Barney playing substitute teacher.
118. Use Barney as a test subject for exotic new nerve gases.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 1997 11:01:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Computer Terms as defined by Rural Canadians

Log On:         Making the wood stove hotter.
Log Off:        Don't add wood.
Monitor:        Keep an eye on the wood stove.
Download:       Getting the firewood off the pickup.
Mega Hertz:     When you're not careful downloading (watch the toes!)
Floppy Disk:    What you get from piling too much wood.
RAM:            The hydraulic thingy that makes the woodsplitter work.
Hard Drive:     Getting home in mud season.
Prompt:         What you wish the mail was in mud season.
Windows:        What to shut when it's 30 below.
Screen:         What you need for black fly season.
Byte:           What black flies do.
Chip:           What to munch on.
Micro Chip:     What's left in the bag when the chips are gone.
Infrared:       Where the leftovers go when Fred's around.
Modem:          What you did to the hay fields.
Dot Matrix:     Farmer Matrix's wife.
Lap Top:        Where little kids feel comfy.
Keyboard:       Where you hang your keys.
Software:       Plastic eating utensils.
Mouse:          What eats the horses' grain in the barn.
Main Frame:     The part of the barn that holds the roof up.
Port:           Fancy wine.
Enter:          C'mon in!
Random Access Memory:   You can't remember how much that new rifle cost
                        when your wife asks.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 1997 14:09:52 -0500
From:    Marianne De Shazo <Deshazo48@AOL.COM>
Subject: M&Ms and Genetics (clean)

A friend sent this to me, author unknown:

Whenever I get a package of plain M & M's, I make it my duty to continue
the strength and robustness of the candy as a species.  To this end, I
hold M & M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb adn forefinger, I apply pressure,
squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters.  That
is the "loser", and I eat the inferior one immediately.  The winner gets
to go another round.

I have found that, in general, the brown and red M & M's are tougher, and
the newer blue ones are genetically inferior.  I have hypothesized that
the blue M & M's as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of
competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is mis-shapen, or
flatter than the rest.  Almost invariably this proves to be a
weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength.
In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M & M, the
strongest of the herd.  Since it would make no sense to eat this one
as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M & M Mars,
along with a 3 x 5 card reading, "Please use this M & M for breeding
purposes."

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free
half pound bag of plain M & M's.  I consider this "grant money".  I have
set aside the weekend for a grand tournament.  From a field of hundreds,
we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 1997 12:48:01 -0500
From:    Matt Grob <MATTHEW.GROB@EY.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: Nurses and Nuns

Q:   What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?

A:   A nun serves only one god.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 1997 14:14:56 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Quotes from athletes (poss. offensive to athletes)

>From a friend.  No idea where they came from.


TRULY STUPID SPORTS QUOTES

"I know the Virginia players are smart because you need a 1500
SAT to get in.  I have to drop bread crumbs to get our players to
and from class"
>>>>> - George Raveling, Washington State basketball coach

"You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle"
>>>>> - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach

"You guys line up alphabetically by height"
>>>>> - Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach  >>>>>

"I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't
seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't
been through in school."
>>>>> -Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman
because of academic requirements

"Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter?  He went to
prison for three years, not Princeton."
>>>>> -Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with
promoter Don King

"That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my #%@#
clothes."
>>>>>Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he
keeps a color photo of himself above his locker

"I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."
>>>>> -Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during
his visit to Greece

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes."
 >>>>>  -Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh

"Nobody in football should be called a genius.  A genius is a guy
like Norman Einstein."
>>>>> -Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann  >>>>>

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 1997 16:41:27 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: You might be a Redneck if... pt7 (121-140 of 168)

YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF ....................
121. You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
122. Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer gray.
123. The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
124. Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on her
     house
125. The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
126. Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can get
     grandma a new plug of tobacco
127. Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
128. Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law against
     it.
129. Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
130. You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of a
     tornado
131. You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch
     something!
132. When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull up
     your jeans.
133. Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place consists of
     the wheels off his doublewide (in memory of Chris "No House"
     Skowronski)...
134. Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your
     home town.
135. You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black eye and
     a hickey.
136. Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank of gas
     in the truck.
137. "Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies Night" at
     the local bar.
138. Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got
     the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
139. You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
140. You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton singing
     "I Will Always Love You".

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 1997 16:58:10 -0600
From:    Brian Kim <cyberkil@ENTERACT.COM>
Subject: OJ Simpson <Offensive to OJ>

One day,  a man was driving to work eventually, he pulled out into the
highway, but before he knew it, he was already in the line. After about
half an hour, he realized he was not only late for work, but the line
hadn't moved one foot, literally! So, as some more time passed, a police
officer was walking by. He pulled down his window, and he called the
officer. "Top of the day officer!"
"You to!"
"Tell me something, why isn't traffic moving at all?"
"Well, you see, OJ Simpson has no money left to pay for the other family
(Not Nicole's, I forgot the name), and he is threatening to pour 10 gallons
of gasoline on himself and light himself."
"So, what are you doing officer? Keeping the people calm?"
"No, umm, actually, I'm collecting contributions."
"Oh, how much have people contributed?"
"8 Gallons."


http://www.enteract.com/~cyberkil/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 1997 17:12:14 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

                        Cocaine In The Courtroom

MEMPHIS,Tenn. (AP) (c)-- A teen-ager in court on traffic offenses was
jailed after a packet of cocaine fell from his pocket when he raised his
hand to be sworn in.

"Unbelievable," said Judge Louis Montesi Jr. "But it happened."

 The judge, a deputy and a police officer were witnesses.

 Brandon B. Hughes, 18, had faced only a fine Tuesday for driving with a
suspended license and violating vehicle registration laws.

 Then the packet of white powder, which turned out to be 1.2 grams of
cocaine, fell out.

 "It's bizarre," said Hughes' attorney, J.T. Harris. "It's stupidity."

 Hughes went straight to jail, sentenced to 10 days for contempt of court.
He could also get up to 12 years in prison on drug charges.

- - - - 
Some would say it's another example why the gene pool could use a little
chlorine.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Mar 1997 01:29:53 EST
From:    Tim J Orsello <shaq3434@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Tickle me Elmo < Offensive to Men >

Q:   What has to be done to the Tickle me Elmo dolls before they can
     be sold?

A:  They have to receive 2 Test Tickles.  ( Testicles ).

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Mar 1997 to 28 Mar 1997
************************************************
