HUMOR Digest - 26 Mar 1997 to 27 Mar 1997
There are 18 messages totalling 671 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The recession <clean>
  2. Various (sexual content, innuendo)
  3. Carl the Corpuscle
  4. Redneck
  5. Shakespeare
  6. HUMOR: Golf Balls and Women <suggestive>
  7. Humor:Rodney D. one liners
  8. Two policemen and tha dead mailman <offensive to policemen>
  9. Classic Woody Allen joke... (not offensive, unless very touchy)
 10. Academic Jargon -- I Guess
 11. You might be a Redneck if... pt6 (101-120 of 168)
 12. Religious Humour (Non-offensive)
 13. 118 ways barney should die 2/3 <offensive to barney lovers>
 14. bad pun (inoffensive)
 15. The negligee
 16. What do you call...
 17. Late Breaking News
 18. Employee Performance Evaluation <Offensive Language>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 09:49:12 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The recession <clean>

Even the mafia was affected by the recession of the early 90's.
Here's two mafia Dons talking about it:
Don Vito: "Things are really bad for us, we were forced to start giving
discounts on extortion and make special offers on protection."
Don Alfonso: "Tell me about it. We had to take off the pay-roll, five
Judges and seven MP's!"

 (MP, Member of Parliament is the European equivalent of a Congressman)
----------------------------------------
Graffiti on a wall of the Coliseum in Rome: "Christians for lunch, again?!"
(This has attributed to a lion, but it could be apocryphal).

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 12:32:23 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Various (sexual content, innuendo)

The Mailman (sexual content, from Giggles)

     Thought I'd dust this off and put it out there again....haven't seen it
or any clones for quite awhile and there are some new folks on the list who
probably haven't seen it......
     It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of
carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same
neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted
by the whole family there, who roundly and soundly
congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
     At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars.  The
folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific
fishing lures.
     At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful
woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him
through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to
the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had
ever experienced.
     When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a
giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and
fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a
cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill
sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge."All this was just too
wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
     "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be
your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him
what to give you. He said, "Fuck him. Give him a dollar."
     "The breakfast ... that was my idea."
--------------------
Mistaken Identity (clean)

     An employee of USAir with the last name of Gay boarded a USAir flight
with a free travel voucher.  Soon after he sat down, someone else came and
claimed he had the same seat assignment, so Mr. Gay moved down do an empty seat.
     Soon after that the airplane began to fill up.  The rule with the USAir
employee vouchers is that if a paying customer needs your seat, you have to
surrender it.  So when the flight became completely full and still more
needed to get on, a flight attendant went to the original seat of Mr. Gay
and said the the man now sitting there, "Excuse me, are you Gay?"
     The man, somewhat stunned, said, "Well, yes, as a matter of fact I am!"
     The flight attendent said, "I'm sorry, but you'll have to get off the
plane."
     At this point Mr. Gay, who had been watching all of this, jumped up and
said, "Excuse me, you've made a mistake -- I'm Gay!"
     Finally, another man jumped up and said, "Well, hell, I'm gay too!
They can't throw us all off!"
--------------------
Bill Me (clean)

     A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he
was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're
going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to
know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by
insurance?"
     "No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
     "Can you pay in cash?"
     "I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
     "Do you have any close relatives, then?"
     "Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
     "Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married
to God."
     "Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."
--------------------
Here's a couple more for the "Masses are Asses" pile... (clean, from Giggles)

45 year-old Amy Brasher was arrested in San Antonio, Texas, after a mechanic
reported to police that 18 packages of marijuana were packed in the engine
compartment of the car which she had brought to the mechanic for an oil
change.  According to police, Brasher later said that she didn't realize
that the mechanic would have to raise the hood to change the oil.

Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested in Lake City, Florida, for the robbery
of a Howard Johnson's Hotel.  She was armed with only an electric chainsaw,
which was not plugged in......

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 07:44:30 -0500
From:    Mark Morris <Whrek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Carl the Corpuscle

 Once there wqs a corpuscle named Carl. Carl was a blood corpuscle in a
horse. All his lofe, Carl went about his business of oxygenating different
parts of this horse, getting dirty here, getting cleaned there, traveling all
about this horse in all the various blood streams,veins, and arteries. Then
one day, while Carl was in the left rear leg of the horse, Carl noticed a
blood stream he actually hadn't noticed before, and was curious as to where
it lead. So the next time he was getting near there, he moved over to that
side of the blood stream, and when he came upon the unfamiliar turn, he took
it. Entering into unfamiliar territory for the first time in a long while,
Carl was enraptured, swelling with pride for finally having been everywhere
in the horse. Then suddenly, he was attacked by Bob the bacteria.
Unfortunately, that was the end for Carl, but it has provided us with a
lesson: Don't change streams in the middle of a horse!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 20:12:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Redneck

          You Might Be A Redneck Jedi If.......

Your Jedi robe is a Camouflage color.

You have ever used your Light Saber to open a bottle of Boone's Farm
Strawberry Hill

You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.

At least one wing of your X-Wing is primer colored

There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder

You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder

You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok

You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks

You think that Stormtroopers are just KKK members with really good
sheets

You have ever had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.

You ever lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to
spit.

The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.

Wookies are offended by your B.O.

You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you
didn't have to wait for a commercial.

You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.

You have ever used a light-sabre to clean fish or open a
non-twist-off bottle of beer.

Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over t' the
dark side...it'll be a hoot."

You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock
thingy to get the bar-b-q grill to light.

---
Artificial Intelligence:  The other guy's opinion.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 06:53:17 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Shakespeare

  An English class was studying WS's Richard II.  Part of the assignment
  required the students to play the parts when called upon.  One young man was
  particularly shy and suffered greatly from stage fright.  At one point he
  introduced "the Dork of Yuke."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 08:41:35 -0500
From:    Matt Grob <MATTHEW.GROB@EY.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: Golf Balls and Women <suggestive>

Q: What's the difference between a golf ball and a woman's G-spot?

A: A man will spend 15 minutes looking for a golf ball.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 10:56:29 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Rodney D. one liners

The Rodney files:

My daughter's like Federal Express. When she meets a guy she just
absolutely,   positively has to be there overnight.

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody
home. I went over. Nobody was home.

During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night
she    called me from a hotel.

One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging naked. I
said   to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that for? He said
.... Because you came home early.

Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and a
button     fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm
afraid to  go     to the bathroom.

When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Once when I was lost ..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find
my    parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find them?  He
said...I     don't know kid.... there are so many places they can hide.

My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.I told him .... If you don't mind
I'd    like a second opinion.  He said .... Alright.... you're ugly too!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 18:11:16 +0100
From:    StB <stifter@PHA.PVTNET.CZ>
Subject: Two policemen and tha dead mailman <offensive to policemen>

Two policemen at the police station.
B: "Hi Martin, imagin whatt I've justa found infront ov tha posta offis.
    A dead mailman!"
M: "Uhm"
B: "Martin, how da yo write posta offis?"
M: "Well... Uhhh... Can't you drag the body in front of a bank???"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 16:37:44 GMT
From:    Ken Fricklas <kenf@BCN.BOULDER.CO.US>
Subject: Classic Woody Allen joke... (not offensive, unless very touchy)

I once knew a beautiful young girl from France.  She went to Venice
and became a streetwalker.  Unfortunately, she drowned.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 12:24:32 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Academic Jargon -- I Guess

Dateline --Ithaca, NY  U.S.A.

It's confusing working at a College, especially when you're just
a lowly number-cruncher like me.

We've got a rapidly growing program in Occupational Therapy at
the school here.  It's coming along so fast, some of the faculty
members are stuck in the basement with the likes of me.

So this Occupational Therapy Prof. has an office around the
corner from mine.  Today I noticed that she'd put up a small
poster announcing a lecture and demonstration by somebody who's
trying for a job here.  The topic of the lecture/demonstration
is:

                    PEDIATRIC
              OCCUPATIONAL THERAPY

Boy am I confused!  I thought we had laws against child labor in
this state!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 14:21:00 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: You might be a Redneck if... pt6 (101-120 of 168)

YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF ....................
101. When you leave your house, you are followed by federal agents of
     the Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the only thing you
     worry about is if you can loose them or not.
102. you have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
103. You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
104. "Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the parking
     brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your wife/girl
     make love
105. Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
106. You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
107. You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
108. Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
109. You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
110. You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
111. You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
112. You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
113. You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over
     your fireplace.
114. You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
116. There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
117. The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'
118. It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
119. You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray are the
     three of the primary colors.
120. You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend
     your sister's honor.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 14:38:27 +0100
From:    John Swift <swifty@MEDISENSE.COM>
Subject: Religious Humour (Non-offensive)

     Heard on the radio this morning.

A Nr O'Brian wakes up after an emergency heart by-pass operation and notices
a nun sitting on a chair next to his bed. After som idle chit-chat, the
subject of payment comes up.........

Nun:      Well Mr O'Brian. Do you have ansurence?

O'Brian   No Sister, I do'nt

Nun:      Well, could you possibly pay in cash then?

O'Brian:  No Sister, I'm a poor man!

Nun:      Well, do you have any relatives who might help you out?

O'Brian:  Look Sisyer. all I got is a sister who is a spinster nun at St=20
          Mary's!

Nun:      MR. O'BRIAN! A nun is NOT a spinster! She is married to Jesus!

O'Brian:  Good! Then send my Brother-In-Law the bill!!


And remember!

"Jesus Saves, but God does a Full Tape Back-up!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 15:14:37 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: 118 ways barney should die 2/3 <offensive to barney lovers>


118 ways barney should die (part 2/3)

40. Shintu massage as administered by a sumo wrestler.
41. Assilimation by the Borg.
42. Accupunture with a nail gun
43. Force fed pure sugar and caffeine until he explodes.
43. Barney meets Mr. Chainsaw
44. Hit and run at a school crossing
45. Exploding in an industrial sized microwave oven.
46. Strapped to a shuttle launch pad..3, 2, 1, ignition!
47. Strapped to the heat shields of a space shuttle during reentry.
48. Brain scrambled (rescrambled?) by aliens
49. Body cavity search using a fish scaling knife.
50. Harpooned by a whaling ship
51. Dipped in liquid nitrogen, and "accidentally" pummelled with a baseball
    bat (guess they found the glass transition temperature).
52. Served as Thanksgiving dinner
53. Eaten by the homeless (Barney pate anyone?)
54. OOPS! Barney shouldn't have soldered that propane tank while full.
55. Mistaken for a Pi=F1ata
56. Run over by a zamboni
57. "I love you" song triggers avalanche.
58. "Accidentally" shoved in front of a subway train.
59. Nuclear warhead explodes at ground BARNEY.
60. Scientific experiments on BARNEY sublimation temperature.
61. Crushed between plates in a fault line.
62. Blended into McBarney shakes, and pressed into McBarney patties (would
    you like McFries with that?)
63. Inquiring minds want to know...What is the tensile strength of Barney?
64. Used as a crashtest dummy. Listen up boys and girls. This is what can
    happen to you if you don't wear your seatbelt.
65. Barney becomes one with Oscar Myer.
66. Barney used as shark bait.
67. Used as a guinea pig in a pain threshold study.
68. Used in a TV commercial promotion of Ginsu Knives. Even after cutting
    this tin can, the ginsu knives rip through purple flesh with ease.
69. Diplomatic mission with Klingons
70. Deep sea diving in a locked steamer trunk.
71. Nato air strike.
72. Live organ donor.
73. Egyptian mummificaton ritual.
74. Plummet into an active volcano.
75. Coated in honey and fed to the fire ants.
76. Conversion to sugar glazed junk food.
77. Quiet dinner with Jeffrey Dahmer.
78. Pilgrimage to the Holy land.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 15:34:12 EST
From:    "Richard V. Gilpin" <71442.1351@COMPUSERVE.COM>
Subject: bad pun (inoffensive)

A small convent set up in a tiny developing country where there was a terrible
famine.  The sisters did what they could, but at last they, too, ran out of
food and the outside world would be weeks getting supplies to them.  "We have
two choices," said the abbess.  "Sister Hildegarde has made a sort of loaf from
some insects she scraped off our rosebushes.  That may keep us alive, though it
is terrible.  The only other choice will be to resort to cannibalism."
Everyone tried Sister Hildegarde's awful concoction and decided it was much the
better alternative because...

...aphid loaf is better than nun!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 20:18:36 EST5EDT
From:    Wayne Wood <wayne@PHYRES.LAN.MCGILL.CA>
Subject: The negligee

Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded
by his secretary that it his wife's birthday today. At lunch,  Marvin goes
to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.  Unfortunately, he
realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon
passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought
any lingerie in her life.  He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy
to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the
clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.  Marvin
takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.

Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and
unwrap it.  He'll wait in the kitchen.  His wife thanks him and goes up to
the  bedroom.  Once the package is opened she realizes that this is
something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it
leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides
that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on
at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs
stark naked.

She calls out, "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look."  Marvin
walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims  "Damn
it, all that money and they didn't even iron it."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Mar 1997 06:51:11 +0400
From:    Sampath Samarasinghe <rmsamar@EMIRATES.NET.AE>
Subject: What do you call...

...a guy with no right arm?
Lefty

...a dyslexic guy with no right arm?
Other lefty

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 17:23:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Late Breaking News

NOTE: For the humor impaired, this is to be taken "tongue in cheek."
===========
FIREWOOD, BREAD TOP NEW RUSSIAN AGENDA MOSCOW--Russian leaders
Monday unveiled their new agenda for the next several years: the
procurement of firewood and bread. "Our homes are very cold,"
Kremlin official Igor Kerensky said. "Many of us have not eaten for
days." The new agenda replaces a previous one, which involved the
development of a technologically advanced, fully modernized
nation-state capable of leading Europe into the 21st century. If
the firewood plan is successful, within five years Russian leaders
hope to shift their focus to obtaining running water and soap. "Do
you have food?" Kerensky added. "I am very hungry."

CONGRESS APPROVES $15 BILLION MEDICRUELTY WASHINGTON, DC--With a
rapidly aging populace in increasing need of medical care, Congress
approved funding Monday for MediCruelty, a new system of health
care which focuses on cruelty toward the elderly. "Care is very
expensive," Sen. Al D'Amato (R-NY) said. "It will be much more
cost-effective in the long run to be cruel to the elderly." The
system will offer seniors Emergency Neglect Service, a 24-hour
toll-free number that will connect to nowhere. Clearwater, FL,
resident Gladys Rankin, 72, is already among the first recipients
of MediCruelty. A rare bone disease has rendered her immobile, and
treatments for her condition are very expensive. Under
Medi-Cruelty, she was left outside her senior center near a
back-alley dumpster Tuesday. "My bones hurt," Rankin said.

VISA FIRES BOB DOLE NEW YORK--Credit-card giant Visa announced
Tuesday that Bob Dole has been dropped from its current "No ID"
advertising campaign. "The American people were just not responding
to Bob Dole," Visa director of corporate communications Ron Landau
said. "People found him to be depressing." When asked how he felt
about being fired, Dole said, "I can say my line differently if you
want. Tell me how I'm supposed to say my line." He then burst into
tears.

TWENTYSOMETHING GENERATION TURNS 35 AUSTIN, TX--Advertising
agencies across the nation reacted with shock Monday, when the U.S.
Census Bureau revealed that the mean age of the "twentysomething
generation" is now 35. According to the report, the
twentysomethings are no longer 20- to 29-year-olds who wear ripped
flannel shirts and "hang out" on college campuses. Most are now
married and have full-time jobs. Todd Leaks, an Austin-area
twentysomething, recently turned 36. "I was 28 when that book
Generation X came out," he said. "Man, that was a while ago
already." Labels previously ascribed to the twentysomethings, such
as "Generation X" and "slackers," have now been transferred to
those Americans born between 1968 and 1977, who have also adopted
the clothing styles and musical tastes of the twentysomethings.

TOM BOSLEY NAMED SECRETARY OF NAPS WASHINGTON, DC--Beloved veteran
actor Tom Bosley, star of Happy Days and Father Dowling Mysteries,
was appointed U.S. Secretary of Naps Tuesday. "I think the American
people can be comfortable with Mr. Bosley's solid record on
napping," President Clinton said. "He will serve our nation's
napping interests well." Bosley's platform includes a 20-minute
snooze at his desk during daylight hours, an occasional dozing-off
toward the end of the day, and prolonged weekend lie-downs at home
in the early evening hours, when, Bosley said, "I tend to get
really sleepy.

---
The majority isn't silent--the government is deaf!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 22:15:53 -0500
From:    Owen H O'Neill <ohoneill@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Employee Performance Evaluation <Offensive Language>

I don't know where this came from originally, but I can't recall seeing
it on the List.  Somebody at work gave it to me.


                EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATION

NAME:___________________   TITLE:_____________________
DATE:__________________
DEPARTMENT:____________    SUPERVISOR:_______________
DOE:____________________
______________________________________________________________________________
KNOWLEDGE
_____This son of a bitch really knows his shit
_____Knows most phases of his job
_____Knows just enough to be dangerous
_____Stupid bastard; couldn't hit his ass with both hands
_____Fucker is brain damaged; a coffee cup has a higher IQ
______________________________________________________________________________
ACCURACY
_____Does excellent work, if not preoccupied with sex
_____Pretty good; only occasionally blows it out his ass
_____Doesn't give a shit if his output is right or wrong
_____Does shitty work and constantly fucks up
_____Couldn't count his balls and get the same answer twice
______________________________________________________________________________
SPEED
_____Fastest motherfucker I ever saw
_____Fast son of a bitch if he thinks he'll get a raise
_____Does a lot of work--at salary review time
_____Works only if kicked in the ass every five minutes
_____Could maybe do less work if he was in a coma
______________________________________________________________________________
DEPENDABILITY
_____A very dependable little cocksucker
_____Usually dependable--at salary review time
_____Conscientious only if sex urge is satisfied
_____Can depend on him to be the first to leave at quitting time
_____Completely incompetent--totally fucking worthless
______________________________________________________________________________
COOPERATION
_____Extremely cooperative
_____Brown noser in good standing
_____Cooperative only if his ass is kissed frequently
_____Thinks it's his job to piss off his co-workers
_____Doesn't give a shit--never has, never will
______________________________________________________________________________
APPEARANCE
_____Extremely neat and orderly; probably combs his pubic hair
_____Neat and orderly--at salary review time
_____Needs to be introduced to toothpaste and deodorant
_____Sloppy, dirty, filthy, smelly bastard
_____Flies leave fresh dogshit to follow him
______________________________________________________________________________
LEADERSHIP
_____Carries chain saw around and gets good results
_____Constantly pisses-off the troops
_____Occasionally gets told to get fucked
_____Only the custodians obey him
_____Couldn't lead a pack of starving wolves to fresh meat
______________________________________________________________________________
I have read and understand my evaluation.
SIGNED:______________________________________DATE:____________________________

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Mar 1997 to 27 Mar 1997
************************************************
