HUMOR Digest - 25 Mar 1997 to 26 Mar 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 553 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Strange Sex Laws (sexual nature)
  2. Two definitions
  3. <HUMOUR> ONe liners from Giggles
  4. BREAKING QUIZ! <sick>
  5. An audience <off. to dumb Americans and rabid Catholics>
  6. You might be a Redneck if... pt5 (81-100 of 168)
  7. Drinking water, Yoga, and Jim Carrey's Liar Liar
  8. Humor: Offensive to women
  9. The Top 16 Signs You Won't Win an Oscar
 10. 118 ways barney should die part 1/3 (offensive to barney lovers,)
 11. Too Much Star Wars
 12. Things computers can do in movies: an addition <not offensive>
 13. Beatin' off  <ADULT MATERIAL><Possibly religious>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 1997 09:48:18 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Strange Sex Laws (sexual nature)

     No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic,
onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota.  If his wife so
requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
     Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed
to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you -- or
holding you in his arms.
     Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between
members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown -- if
they're nude.  (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
     In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have
twin beds.  And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a
couple rents a room for only one night.  And it's illegal to make love on
the floor between the beds!
     The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide
each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt.  No couple, even if they are
married, may sleep together in the nude.  Nor may they have sex unless they
are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
     An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from
having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
     A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called
master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
     In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset.
(There was a civil-service job -- for men only -- called a corset inspector.)
     However, in Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing
corsets because "the privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body
of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
     It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho.  Police
officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window.  Any suspicious
officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk
his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out
of his car to investigate.
     Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a
table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces
of clothing.
     Lovers in Liberty Corner, New Jersey, should avoid satisfying their
lustful urges in a parked car.  If the horn accidentally sounds while they
are frolicking behind the wheel, the couple can face a jail term.
     In Carlsbad, New Mexico, it's legal for couples to have sex in a parked
vehicle during their lunch break from work, as long as the car or van has
drawn curtains to stop strangers from peeking in.
     A Florida sex law:  If you're a single, divorced, or widowed woman, you
can't parachute on Sunday afternoons.
     Women aren't allowed to wear patent-leather shoes in Cleveland, Ohio --
a man might see the reflection of something "he oughtn't!"
     No woman may have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance within
the boundaries of Tremonton, Utah.  If caught, the woman can be charged with
a sexual misdemeanor and "her name is to be published in the local
newspaper."  The man isn't charged nor is his name revealed.

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 1997 01:49:51 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Two definitions

   A bird in the hand is safer than two overhead.

   Toes are devices for finding furniture in the dark.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 1997 15:49:26 -0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> ONe liners from Giggles

From:    Stallions <stallions@POBOXES.COM>
Subject: Joke Rated : One-liners

A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's
 nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.

 If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.

 And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy.... I'd have
 nothing to play with.

 During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other
 night she called me from a hotel.

 One day as I came home early from work ..... I saw a guy jogging
 naked. I said to the guy .... Hey buddy .... why are you doing that
 for? He said .... Because you came home early.

 Its been a rough day. I got up this morning .... put on a shirt and
 a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off.
 I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.

 When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

 I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster
 and a radio.

 My mother never breast fed me.She told me that she only liked me as
 a friend.

 My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his
 wallet.

 When I was born .... the doctor came out to the waiting room and
 said to my father .... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could
 ....but he pulled through.

 My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

 I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my
 finger to my father.He said he wanted more proof.

 Once when I was lost..... I saw a policeman and asked him to help
 me find my parents. I said to him ..... do you think we'll ever find
 them? He said ... I don't know kid .... there are so many places they
 can hide.

 On Halloween .... the parents send their kids out looking like
 me.Last year... one kid tried to rip my face off! Now its different...
 when I answer the door the kids hand me candy.

 My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.

 I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.

 I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and
 look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?
 He said... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.

 My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy.I told him .... If you
 don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said .... Alright.... you're
 ugly too!

 When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me
 over and said. Look ... twins!

 I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor
 told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

-
Mike Robertshaw
Open Learning Institute of Hong Kong
Kowloon, Hong Kong

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 1997 12:42:17 +0300
From:    DHARIF MAZEN ABDALLAH MUHAMMAD <s945986@DPC.KFUPM.EDU.SA>
Subject: BREAKING QUIZ! <sick>

Q.what do call a man with a green ball in each hand??????

A.someone in great control of the great green giant :):):):)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 1997 07:06:41 -0500
From:    paul mccooe <paul_mccooe@CREATIVE.IE>
Subject: An audience <off. to dumb Americans and rabid Catholics>

     A rich American tourist was holidaying in Rome, and was intent on
     seeing the Pope.  There he stood in a big long queue with a rather
     expensive suit on - hoping the Pope would notice how smart he was and
     perhaps talk a few words with him.

     As the Pope made his way slowly down the queue, he walked right
     past the American, hardly even noticing him.  The Pope then stopped
     next to a tramp, leaned over and whispered something in the tramp's
     ear, and made his way on again.

     This pissed-off the American and so he agreed to pay 1000 dollars
     to the tramp in exchange for his suit, in the hope that the Pope would
     speak to him the next day.

     The next morning the American stood in the queue, waiting to see
     the Pope and hopefully exchange a few words.  The Pope was making his
     way slowly up to the American, and when he finally reached him,
     leaned over to the American and spoke softly into his hear, saying:
     "I thought I told you to fuck off."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 1997 08:03:10 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: You might be a Redneck if... pt5 (81-100 of 168)

YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF ....................
81. You mow your lawn and find a car.
82. If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves
    putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a flashlight.
83. You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend, and
    you only need to buy one gift.
84. You are still holding on to Confederate money because you think the
    South will rise again.
85. You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
86. You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
87. You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest contest".
88. You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
89. You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a plaid
    flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
90. There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging in
    your truck.
91. You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
92. You've ever made change in the offering plate.
93. If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
94. You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and the left
    arm below the shirt sleeve...
95. You own at least 20 baseball hats.
96. You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a
    baseball hat.
97. You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
98. When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
99. Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon.  The
    one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
100. Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 1997 10:15:06 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Drinking water, Yoga, and Jim Carrey's Liar Liar

This bit of humor taken from: India Discussion Digest, Friday, 21
Mar 97, posted by "Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan"
<murthy_sk@hotmail.com>

In an apartment shared Rakesh had been very irritated by Sundar's
behavior throughout the whole weekend and had been controlling his
anger. He had heard somewhere that drinking a glass of water helps in
controlling anger. He started drinking so much water that he had to
relieve himself many times a day.

Sundar observed this and switching off his walkman.

Sundar: Hey Rakesh. Are you ok, man ?
Rakesh: I'm fine.
Sundar: I mean, I see you drinking water and going to the bathroom
        again and again.  (Still irritated)
Rakesh: It's alright. I just have somethings on my mind. It's ok.
Sundar: I mean, Rakesh you should know that even Yoga says for healthy
        living six glasses of water per day is enough.
(At this Rakesh almost burst with anger and rattled the following
 in a single breath in 10 seconds)
Rakesh: I don't have to take advices on healthy living from a balding
        but bringing hair from all over the head to his forehead, color
        blind, nose picking, breathing, slurping, burping, belching,
        lip twitching, yawning, foul smelling, scrotch scratching twerp
        who is constantly caressing his parabolic paunch to reveal quintals
        of navel lint ...
(Rakesh seemed to stop for a breath, a bit ashamed at his loss of control
 and a bit surprised at Sundar giving no reaction at all, when)
Sundar: Liar Liar ?
Rakesh: What do you mean, Liar Liar ?
Sundar: You were doing a Jim Carrey imitation from Liar Liar, no.
        He is getting repetitive, you know. He seemed to do the same
        things in Ace Ventura. Though I don't understand most of what
        he says, but it seems very funny, no. He must be doing Yoga for
        breath control. That was very good imitation, Rakesh, I can tell
        because I didn't get anything of what you said too.
Sundar switched his walkman on with one hand, and the other on his paunch
and Rakesh reached for the refrigerator.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 1997 11:50:14 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: Offensive to women

The things you learn in school...

Yesterday, scientists at Johns Hopkins revealed that beer contains small
traces of female hormones.  To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 cans
of beer and observed that 100% of them started jabbering incessantly and
couldn't drive.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 1997 15:11:06 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Top 16 Signs You Won't Win an Oscar

16> Your movie is a documentary, titled, "Washed Up Lame-O's:
    The American Academy of Motion Picture Arts & Sciences."

15> Nudity?  Yes!  Estelle Geddy?  Yes!

14> Your movie features any of the following: a monkey in
    children's clothing, an annoyingly cute child actor, or Sinbad.

13> In retrospect, maybe casting Jean Claude Van Damme as Thomas
    Jefferson really *was* a bad idea.

12> Your movie's title: "Dennis Rodman's Private Parts."

11> Your name rhymes with "Piano Weaves" or "Wally Store."

10> The last time you and the Academy president, Jack Valente, went
    out cruising for babes, you forgot yourself and made fun of his
    cheeks.

 9> The title "Oral-Lovin' Amateurs" somehow lacks that "epic" feel
    the academy loves.

 8> Your name is Tori and daddy said you're not getting one until
    you're thirty.

 7> Your personal psychic predicts the only Oscar she sees in your
    future is on a hot dog bun.

 6> With the liberal establishment controlling Hollywood, your
    Documentary, "McVeigh: Modern American Patriot" never had a chance.

 5> The NY Times review of your film contained the words, "putrid,"
    "stench," and "bile."

 4> Armani, Lagerfeld, and Dior were one thing, but even Kathie Lee
    claims to be "fresh out" of dresses for awards night.

 3> The only Oscar party you're invited to is at 360 N. Rockingham.

 2> Although dramatic, flying cows are traditionally overlooked.

 1> You are unfortunately only *one* degree of separation from
    Kevin Bacon.


Copyright:  "The Top Five List"
website address:  www.topfive.com

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 1997 18:01:52 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: 118 ways barney should die part 1/3 (offensive to barney lovers,)

118 ways Barney should die

 1. Nitroglycerin suppository
 2. Dr. Kivorkian approved suicide/euthanasia kit
 3. Paper cuts from hate mail
 4. Wine press
 5. Random act of terrorism
 6. Dissolved in organic solvent of choice (e.g. 1,1,1-trichloroethane,
    acetone, carbon tetrachloride)
 7. Clubbed by a baby seal hunter
 8. Exploding gas barbeque
 9. Date with Lorena Bobbit / Tonya Harding
10. Rusty meat hook
11. Pulp digester / Saw mill
12. Sexually transmitted disease
13. Lethal injestion of bean sprouts and tofu
14. Skydiving accident (His concrete parachute fails to open).
15. Barney meets the Terminator. "Hasta la vista...BARNEY!".
16. Exploding school bus
17. Field trip to the Toronto Metro Zoo. Barney loves to spread love and
    happiness to all of the carnivores.
18. Childrens Tylenol laced with cyanide
19. Sacrifice to a tribal god
20. Fed through a branch/leaf shredder (or office paper shredder)
21. Trampling by thousands of tiny spongie feet
22. Asphixiation on a twinkie
23. Bungee jumping with chord tied around neck
24. 1000 RPM merry-go-round
25. Building sandcastles in a quicksand box
26. Dragged behind a schoolbus on a gravel road
27. Tail caught in elevator doors
28. Legalization of purple slavery
29. Home lobotomy kit
30. Nasal spray or eye drops replaced with concentrated acid (e.g. nitric,
    chromic, hydroflouric, sulfuric, or hydrochloric)
31. Add crushed glass to his granola or high fibre cereal.
32. Thrown in a vat of bleach.
33. Close encounter with a white supremist.
34. Sucked into a turbo-prop engine
35. Submerged into a CANDU reactor
36. Swarmed by killer bees
37. Purple parasites
38. Kidnapped by members of the Columbian drug cartel
39. Chopped up into pet food (Purina Barney chow)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 1997 16:17:33 -0800
From:    Karen Friesen <kfriesen@AMTSGI.BC.CA>
Subject: Too Much Star Wars

You know you're watching too much Star Wars when...

* Talk you like this, even when at work are you.

* You patronize Billy Dee Williams' psychic network instead
  of La Toya's.

* You have a bad feeling about this...

* You're jealous when Boba Fett flirts with that redhead.

* If someone offered you a job as a Storm Trooper, you'd take it.

* You commission John Williams to write theme music for each
  family member.

* On your car: "Palpatine/Vader: Campaign 2000".

* Your children are named Wedge, Biggs, and Porkins.

* You know the power of the Dark Side.

And you know you're watching *waaay* too much Star Wars when...

* You start to think those darn Ewoks are kind of cute.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Mar 1997 10:24:00 +1000
From:    "Roland, Andrew J" <ARoland@NCRPBILL.TELSTRA.COM.AU>
Subject: Things computers can do in movies: an addition <not offensive>

Here's a few more points about computers in movies.

The people who use computers in the movies are SAY EVERY WORD AS THEY
TYPE IT and say it slowly and deliberately.

Floppy disks in the movies hold up to 25 Terabytes of data. (X Files
when Scully discovers a file that contains the social security number of
every resident of the USA  plus their vaccination details).

The supercomputers of the 60s had magnetic tape drives with huge spools
of magnetic tape which frequently changed the direction they were
turning. (eg On board the Jupiter 2 in Lost is Space. Such inefficiency
they could only have been using a small amount of tape and therefore
could only have been storing or reading a few kilobytes of data).

The supercomputers of the 60s also had huge display panels where square
shaped lights would light up frequently and randomly. (eg Lost in Space.
What was the point? Who could possibly have taken notice of all those
lights and then said ''Ah that was 10011101 in register 7. That's the
third time that's happened this minute").

How come there are no more robots? Robots in the 60s often flashed a
light as they spoke (eg the Robot from Lost in Space. Maybe they were
flashing in morse and they were the first facility for deaf people
watching TV). Robots also always had glass bubbles on their heads with
lots of whirly things inside them.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Mar 1997 23:36:09 -0600
From:    Brian Kim <cyberkil@ENTERACT.COM>
Subject: Beatin' off  <ADULT MATERIAL><Possibly religious>

I got this joke from a friend

This is a good joke to play on your friends. If they're male!
The symbol <FRIEND> means enter your friend's name
in there. ONLY one at a time.
______________________
This is what you say...

You know what? The craziest thing happened to me
last night! I dreamt that I was riding in this car
and I was all drunk, but I was soooo drunk that
I crashed into a tree and died!

I went to Heaven, but not exactly in Heaven.
I was being judged. It was uncomfortingly
hot, but that was the least of all my problems.
I was met by the
Apostle Peter. But, as I looked around,
I saw thousands, and millions, and billions
of clocks! But as I looked closer, I realized
that there were names on each and every
single one!
I asked Apostle Paul, "Why are there so
many clocks?"
He said, "Well, you see, this is where
we check when somebody beats off!
Everytime someone beats off, the legs
go around one hour."
So, I looked closer and I found my
(add people's names or say uncle, etc..
ie. my dad, my uncle, my brother, John,
Tom, Fred, etc.)
But I was looking for <FRIEND>'s. I searched
and searched but I couldn't find it. So I asked,
"Where is my friend <FRIEND>'s clock?"
He replied with, "Oh, it was going so fast that
I am using it as a fan!"

http://www.enteract.com/~cyberkil/

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 25 Mar 1997 to 26 Mar 1997
************************************************
