HUMOR Digest - 24 Mar 1997 to 25 Mar 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 799 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. <HUMOUR> Offensive to bank managers
  2. Doggie Tale [sodomistic content]
  3. Various (1st one cute, 2nd off.lang., 3rd true but gross)
  4. Moon Walk <adult: mention of non-reproductive sex>
  5. Humor: what I have learned from my kids
  6. Ask Bob <offensive to rap artists and their legions>
  7. Dead man <offensive to policemen>
  8. Puppies and surgeons
  9. Latkes vs. Hamenstashen (parody of academic paper)
 10. You might be a Redneck if... pt4 (61-80 of 168)
 11. Super Computers
 12. Lucky Charms <adult>
 13. A few aphorisms
 14. In The News - Humorous News Quips

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 17:18:14 -0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> Offensive to bank managers

...from Ceri Davis in Oz:

Why is the Irish Pound called the Punt?

Because it rhymes with bank manager

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 05:04:53 -0500
From:    Dave Howard <Dahowa@AOL.COM>
Subject: Doggie Tale [sodomistic content]

        Three dogs are waiting at the veterinarian's office.  The first asks the other two, "What are you here for?"
        The second dog says, "I like to chase the mailman.  I mean, I chase him
every day, even though my master always tells me to stop.  He brought me in
to have me neutered."
          The third says, "I like to have my freedom around the neighborhood,
y'know.  But the other day, I bit a kid on a bike, so my master brought me in
to have me neutered.  How about you?  What's your story?"
        The first one says, "My master is a woman.  The other night, she was getting out of the shower and bent over to dry her legs.  I saw her pussy and
couldn't stop myself.  I ran right up and started licking it."
        Said the second dog, "Ooh, I guess you're in here to get neutered, too,
huh?"
        "Naah," said the first, "I'm here for a shampoo and manicure."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 13:06:49 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Various (1st one cute, 2nd off.lang., 3rd true but gross)

In a recent contest, The Washington Post asked readers to dream up new
elements for the Periodic Table. Among the best of the batch:
----------
     Limbaughium  Lb - The heaviest known element. It possesses an
ever-expanding mass.  Very white. Acidic. Emits heat but no light. Instantly
polarizes all elements that come in contact with it. Repels protons and
electrons; attracts only morons.
     Billclintium  Bc - With a slick appearance and slimy texture, this
element undergoes a series of interesting changes when in hot water.
     Canadium  Eh - Similar to Americium, but a little denser. Much more
rigid. Often called Boron.
     Innofensium  Pc - Precisely equal numbers of electrons, protons,
neutrons, leptons, quarks. Completely inert, utterly useless, but smells
like a rose.
     Newtium - Extreme irritant. Carries a strong negative charge. Does not
possess magnetic properties. Can be purchased cheaply.
     Quaylium  Vp - Einsteinium it ain't.
     Budweisium  Ps - Has no taste or smell; is often indistinguishable from
water.
     Cabmium  Cb - Found in abundance, except when needed. Exists in two
states, in motion and at rest. When in motion, it cannot be stopped, no
matter what you do. Cabmium has a charge associated with it. The charge is
variable, and scientists have not determined the formula for calculating it.
     Politicium  Po - Contains a great deal of gas. Similar to radon in that
it can reach lethal concentrations in the House.
     Congress Cg - Atomic number 525. Can never be found in a solution.
     Snot  Sn - Bonds forever with corduroy.
(from Oracle)
--------------------
A woman was shaking out a rug on the balcony of her 17th floor condominium
when a sudden gust of wind blew the rug - and the woman - over the railing.
"God, that was stupid," she thought as she fell. "What a way to die." As she
passed the 14th floor, a man standing at his railing caught her in his arms.
While she looked at him in disbelieving gratitude, he asked, "Do you suck?"
"No!" she
shrieked, aghast. He dropped her. As she passed the 12th floor, another man
reached out and caught her. "Do you fuck?" he asked. "Of course not!" she
exclaimed before she could stop herself. He dropped her. The poor woman
prayed to God for one more chance. As luck would have it, she was caught a
third time, by a man on the eighth floor. "I suck! I fuck!" she screamed in
panic. "Slut," he said... and dropped her.
(from the Comedy List)
--------------------
Japan Times--August 15, 1993:  "The government must crack down on this
disgusting craze of `Pumping','' a spokesman for the Nakhon Ratchasima
hospital told reporters. ``If this perversion catches on, it will destroy
the cream of Thailand's manhood.''
     He was speaking after the remains of 13 year-old Charnchai Puanmuangpak
had been brought into the hospital's emergency department. ``Most Pumpers
use a standard bicycle pump,'' he explained, ``sticking the nozzzle up their
rectum and giving themselves a rush of air.  Not only is that a sin against
God, but it can be dangerous even for onlookers. Charnchai took it further
still. He started using a two-cylinder foot pump, but even that wasn't
exciting enough for him, and he boasted to friends that he was going to try
the compressed air hose at a nearby gasoline station. They dared him to do
it so, under cover of darkness, he sneaked in. Not realising how powerful
the machine was, he inserted the tube into his body, and placed a 1 baht
coin in the slot. Of course, he died instantly, but passers by are still in
shock.  One woman though she was watching a twilight firework display and
started
clapping. We still haven't located all of him.
     ``Pumping is the devil's pastime, and we must all say no to satan,'' he
concluded. ``Inflate your tyres by all means, but then hide your bicycle
pump where it cannot tempt you.''

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 13:18:17 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Moon Walk <adult: mention of non-reproductive sex>

Urban Legend or True Story?

  When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon,
   he not only gave his famous "One Small step for Man, One Giant Leap
    for Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual com
    traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.  Just
    before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark
    "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky."
   Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some
   rival Soviet Cosmonaut.  However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky
   in either the Russian or American space programs.  Over the years many
   people questioned Armstrong as to what the "Good luck, Mr. Gorsky"
    statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled.
    However, on July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL, while answering
    questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year old
    question to Armstrong. This time he finally responded.  Mr. Gorsky had
    died  and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
    When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in
    the backyard.
    His friend hit a fly ball which landed in the front of his neighbour's
    bedroom windows. His neighbours were Mr. & Mrs. Gorsky.  As he leaned
    down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting
    at Mr. Gorsky.  "Oral sex!  You want oral sex?!   You'll get oral sex
    when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 07:28:35 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: what I have learned from my kids

Things I've learned from my children (honest and no kidding)
-------------------------------------------------------------
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite

A 4 years old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded resturant

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a
superman cape. It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all
four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room

Baseballs make marks on ceilings

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on

When using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a
few times before you get a hit

A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by
a ceiling fan

When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'Uh-oh,' it's already too
late

Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it

A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock, even though a
36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes, it
does not leak ------- it explodes

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4
inches deep

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old

Duplos will not

'Play Dough' and 'microwave' should never be used in the same sentence

SuperGlue is forever

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know

Ditto Tarzan

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool, you still can't
walk on water

Pool filters do not like Jello

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches, even though TV commercials show
they do

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving

You probably do not want to know what that odor is

Always look in the oven before you turn it on

Plastic toys do not like ovens

The fire department in San Diego has at least a 5 minute response time

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy

It will, however, make cats dizzy

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

Quiet does not necessarily mean 'don't worry'

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life
(unfortunately, mostly in retrospect)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 10:06:11 -0500
From:    Anine Sager <ASagerPDX@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ask Bob <offensive to rap artists and their legions>

Dear Bob,

How long, at the rate of two a year, will it be until there are no more rap
artists (and I use that term loosely) left alive?


I'm glad you asked. Two rap artists per year is only the current figure of
decline. Consider this:
If you take the number of poor black teens who become pregnant each year,
multiplied by the average of two bad nigguz per mother, minus the number of
those who can't rhyme and talk fast, then add the number of desperate, greedy
music industry executives and divide by 567 words per minute of the average
rap star, plus the rate of acceleration to fame in regard to the ratio of
lack of brains versus guns, you would have the the complete annihalation of
all rap artists by 2:46 A.M. August 2nd, 2013.  With slight moderation, this
same formula can be applied to professional sports players.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 11:52:22 +0100
From:    StB <stifter@PHA.PVTNET.CZ>
Subject: Dead man <offensive to policemen>

Those policemen are having their route ona sunny day.
Later the day they find an arm, lying onthe street.

M: "Hey, Bubba, this seemz lika Frank's arm!"
B: "Fantasizing too much again?!"

A block later they find a leg.

M: "Hey, Bubba, this seemz lika Frank's leg!"
B: "Sunbathed too much?!"

Two blocks later they find a head.

M: "Hey, Bubba, this is Frank's head!"
B: "Gee, I hope nothing bad happened to him...."  :)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 11:30:10 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Puppies and surgeons

        What's the difference between a puppy and a surgeon?

        A puppy stops whining when it grows up.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 12:58:07 -0500
From:    Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: Latkes vs. Hamenstashen (parody of academic paper)

This joke exceeds the 99-line limit, but was posted with prior permission.

         LATKE VS HAMENTASH: A MATERIALIST-FEMINIST ANALYSIS

                            Robin Leidner
                   Sociology, University of Labrador

                            November, 1994

        In a highly provocative paper entitled "Latke vs. Hamantash: A
Feminist Critique," Professor Judith Shapiro made an invaluable contribution
to scholarship by bringing the insights of feminist and postmodern theory
to bear on the interpretation of Jewish foodstuffs.  It is surely no
coincidence that shortly after the appearance of this paper, Professor
Shapiro, who had been serving as provost of a provincial women's college in
an obscure Philadelphia suburb, was chosen to become president of Barnard
College in New York.  The usefulness of this learned, stimulating, highly
original paper is hampered only by its complete wrong-headedness, a
shortcoming that I will address tonight.  This forum is an ideal setting
for a frank reappraisal, since Professor Shapiro's departure from the
vicinity allows us to focus on her faulty logic and inadequate methodology
without fear of contradiction.

        To summarize briefly an account that is a richly nuanced, Shapiro,
an anthropologist, begins with the conjecture that the circles and triangles
conventionally used to designate women and men on kinship charts are in
fact iconic representations of latkes and hamentashen.  She argues, "(I)t
is ultimately impossible for us to know whether, in the last analysis, the
latke and hamantash should be considered as semiotic representations of
the two sexes or whether the two sexes should be seen as semiotic
representations of latkes and hamantashen.  What is not, however, in
doubt, is the association of latkes with the female principle and
hamantashen with the male" (Shapiro 1990:3).

        What is it that leads Shapiro to argue as a feminist that latkes,
which have so clearly been part of the oppressive apparatus upholding the
most retrograde patriarchal elements of Judaism, are a more appropriate
symbol for women than hamentashen?  I will argue that such an
interpretation is possible only if analysis remains at a symbolic level
which so decontextualizes the subject that there is no trace of the lived
experience of the relevant social actors.  In short, I will argue that this
mistaken assertion is a product of the pernicious postmodern mishigoss that
has, in discipline after discipline, tempted scholars to abandon their
investigations of the physical and social world in order to concentrate on
a world of discourse that takes on greater importance, indeed greater
reality.  In the interests of defending sociology from the forces that have
dessicated anthropology, history, literary criticism, cultural studies, and
other pretenders to knowledge of the social world, I will argue that a
clear understanding of the gendered implications of latkes and hamentashen
must rest on careful empirical research.  I will demonstrate, I think
definitively, that attention to culturo-linguistic-symbolic content is
illuminating only in conjunction with rigorous investigation to the
material conditions under which the objects of analysis are produced and
consumed.

        I have conducted extensive participant observation, over many
years, of the production and consumption of both latkes and hamentashen.
Based on my fieldwork and on in-depth interviews with non-market-oriented
Jewish cooks, I will demonstrate that when one takes into account the
gendered division of labor, family power dynamics, norms of sociability,
and the structural conditions of participation in a late-capitalist,
post-industrial economy, the hamentash is far more suitable for
incorporation into the feminist vision of an egalitarian and nonoppressive
future than is the latke.

        Let us turn first to the latke.  The material conditions of latke
production are stressed in the best-known analysis of the latke as a factor
in the oppression of women, Emma Goldman's famous "blood of our
foremothers" speech (with which I assume many of you are familiar).  In it,
she asked, "How much of the the very blood of our foremothers' knuckles
have we battened and fattened on every Chanukah, for surely their lifeblood
is invariably an ingredient in our latkes?  Could oceans of applesauce or
mountains of sour cream ever fully mask the salty taste of the tears of our
onion-grating sisters?"  More than fifty years after Goldman's death, these
questions still haunt us.

        Time limits prevent me from quoting many of the moving accounts
that my interviewees provided of what their Chanukahs are like.  But put
yourself in the position of these women (for it is of course women who
produce the latkes in the great majority of households).  The children are
over-excited and rambunctious. Perhaps guests are expected.  Much of the
holiday meal has already been prepared, but the cook feels obliged to
provide fresh latkes, not reheated ones.  After peeling, grating, frying
batch after batch in spitting oil, the cook is exhausted and sweaty, her
hair hangs in greasy clumps, her knuckles are scraped raw, her arms sting
from the continual splatters of oil.  When at last a heaping plate of
latkes is ready, she brings it to the table, where every one is snatched up
immediately.  Stoically, she heads back to the stove to begin frying the
next batch.  From the dining room drift peals of laughter, snatches of
conversation, the splat of applesauce, and shouted inquiries about when the
latkes will be ready.  Excluded from the community, she spends most of the
holiday meal on her feet in front of the hot stove, forcing a gay smile
during her brief forays to deliver latkes.  Her labor does not end with the
meal, for back in the kitchen potato peels are overflowing the garbage can,
numerous bowls and utensils wear a thick layer of potato mixture, now
disagreeably blackened, and of course a sticky film of grease covers all
exposed surfaces.  Despite her best efforts, the smell, having permeated
the drapes, will linger for weeks.

        No doubt many of you are now thinking of the same thing:
Cuisinarts.  Some critics, including Professor Goldfrank of U.C. Santa
Cruz, have argued that while latke production may indeed have been
oppressive in Goldman's day, the food processor has so eased the work of
latke preparation that at present its demands are negligible (personal
communication).  It is certainly true that some of the more dangerous and
painful labor involved in latke production has been reduced by
technological developments, and survey research by Tsimmes and Tsurris
(1993) confirms that Cuisinart ownership is a significant factor in
explaining variation in the degree of resentment among latke-makers.  Yet I
maintain that given the physical, social, and emotional demands of peeling
and frying that remain, only those who benefit from the subordination of
women, or those bamboozled by a deeply-entrenched system of mystification,
could argue, as does Goldfrank, that latke-production is now "a piece of
cake."

        In fact, the impact of the Cuisinart on women's position in Judaism
has been quite limited.  Following the familiar pattern of many so-called
household conveniences, the Cuisinart has increased demand for latkes and
generated increasingly fussy standards of latke texture without changing
the power dynamics that are really at issue here.  (I don't think I need
even elaborate on the classism of commentators who overlook the reality
that access to Cuisinarts is highly class-stratified.)  Another modern
development, the marketing of prepared latke mixes, has had even less
effect on the overall picture.  Such mixes are their own punishment, and
judging from my sample they are never purchased more than once.

        Content analysis of my interview data shows that a few themes
dominate the cooks' accounts: physical suffering; pressure; and social
isolation.

        The picture for hamentashen is very different.  First, for many of
my informants, the home has ceased to be a site of hamentash production.
Such households calculate that the cost of the time, effort, and skill of
family members outweighs the cost of store-bought hamentashen and the
diminished quality of the product.  For in the capitalist marketplace, the
hamentash is reduced to a commodity like any other, and we should not be
surprised that capitalist competition has led to the year-round
availability of neo-hamentashen with alien fillings, their brightly-colored
jams signaling their debasement to the level of the workaday Danish.

        Nevertheless, many of my respondents and their families do reserve
hamentash consumption for Purim, and some apparently deem mass-produced
commercial hamentashen an acceptable substitute for the infinitely more
delicious and not very hard to make home-baked hamentashen that can be
produced with my no-yeast recipe (which is available upon request). These
respondents do not view Purim as an oppressive institution, but they are
relatively low in positive affect as well.

        Certainly the happiest families are those where hamentash
production takes place at home, usually as a collective enterprise.  A
special time is set aside for unhurried hamentash activity, in contrast to
the high-pressure time crunch we saw in the case of latkes.  In general,
several family members cooperate in the production of hamentashen; even
very small children enjoy taking a turn rolling out dough, plopping
spoonfuls of filling onto the circles, and pressing corners to form
triangles.  Some disagreeable work has been marketized, because in this
case, feminist pressure led to the development of a substitute for
home-made fillings that is not only acceptable, but preferable: prune
butter, or Lekvar, purchased by the jar.  The scene is one of mutual
enjoyment as children, their faces smeared with Lekvar, help cut out
circles of dough; older members of the household guide their efforts and
praise their helpfulness; participants are often moved to sing; a wonderful
aroma fills the home.  Everyone is permitted to sample the hamentashen as
they emerge from the oven, newly-plump and warm.  It is true that flour is
all over everything, but clean-up is eased by the cheerful cooperation of
older children and adults.  The themes that emerged most often from my
interviews about hamentashen were: fun, nostalgia, and togetherness.

        For women, it is clear that hamentashen offer far more scope for
self-realization, egalitarian relations, and social progress than do
latkes.  The liberating potential of the hamentash is especially great
because Purim provides a clear model of a feminist heroine in the megillah.
 I speak, of course, of Vashti, who bravely resisted patriarchal authority
(here reinforced by state power) and refused to accept the powerless
position of the trophy wife exhibited as an ego-boosting tchotchke at her
husband's command.  I don't think we need go as far as some critics do in
describing Esther as a "male-identified scab" in order to acknowledge that
it is Vashti whose independence, personal integrity, and brave refusal to
be judged according to male standards are most worthy of celebration.

        Could latkes ever be a force for the empowerment of women?  My most
recent field notes suggest that, given the right objective conditions,
latkes could provoke in the masses of Jewish women the the kind of
revolutionary fervor that they triggered in Emma Goldman.  It is those
years when women have to start in with the latkes before they've recovered
from Thanksgiving, years like this one, that have the most revolutionary
potential.  In times like these, many women pierce the false consciousness
that has contributed to their subordination; indeed, much of the language
of the transcripts from this year's interviews is unprintable.  We must
start laying the groundwork now if we are to be ready the next year
Chanukah falls early, ready for revolutionary change brought about by the
determined unity of Jewish women and the support of enlightened men.  The
revolution need not abolish latkes, but must abolish the gendering of
burdensome holiday labor so that it may be shared.  Goldfrank has suggested
that interfaith marriage might help create a vanguard for this movement
(personal communication).  Are Jewish husbands of non-Jewish wives taking
responsibility for their own latkes?  If so, could that provoke a
generalized loosening of gendered latke norms?  I plan to pursue these
questions in future research.

        Some critics have suggested that my unflinching analysis of the
material conditions of latke production could play into the hands of the
virulent anti-Semitic fringe groups in Idaho, which might interpret my
arguments as part of a larger Jewish conspiracy to control their state's
potato-based economy.  While I believe that we need not stifle debate
within the Jewish community out of fear, I do take this concern seriously.
I have been careful to avoid language that could be construed as
tuberphobic, and trust that our community can sustain a candid and vigorous
discussion that will avoid descending to ad potatum attacks.

        Just as I do not reject the potato, I do not object to the
inclusion of some analysis of the symbolic content of latkes and
hamentashen in determining their feminist potential.  Had Shapiro grounded
her cultural analysis in investigation of the everyday realities of
production and consumption, she surely would not have come so close to
accepting an essentialist view of gender, as she appears to in speaking of
a purported "association of latkes with the female principle and
hamantashen with the male."

        Feminist scholars have demonstrated again and again that gender
categories are malleable and that variation within genders is virtually
always greater than average differences between genders.  The hamentash is
a perfect representation of this more flexible, culturally variable, view
of gender.  For while the hamentash begins as a circle (which Shapiro tags
female), it becomes a triangle through conscious human intervention,
without ever losing its qualities of circularity.  The hamentash is an
inspiring demonstration of the possibilities of overcoming essentialist
dualisms: without the circle, there could be no triangle, and without the
triangle, the circle would be empty.  The hamentash provides a vision of
human possibility that similarly integrates the strengths that have been
attributed to men and women.  I leave you with the hope that some day we
all can achieve that blending of circle and triangle, the synthesis of
smoothness and crunch, the simultaneous embodiment of openness and fullness
that we find in the hamentash.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 15:34:59 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: You might be a Redneck if... pt4 (61-80 of 168)

YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF ....................
61. Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
62. You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
63. You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occassions.
64. You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message: "for a
    good time call . .", because you feel guilty about putting it there...
65. Redman sends you a Christmas card.
66. You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are at work.
67. Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.
68. Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
69. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
70. You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to
    "Georgia on My Mind".
71. You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.
72. You consider your license plate personalized because your dad made
    it in prison.
73. You have been fired from a construction job because of your
    appearance.
74. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the
    House of Tattoos.
75. You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
76. After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
77. The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid  you'll wear to
    the 4-H Fair.
78. You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your front yard.
79. Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this afore I
    flush it."
80. Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 13:35:27 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Super Computers

THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES
Is only topped by the idiocy seen by computer users on television,
the most ludicrous that I've seen being a scene from that
(thankfully) short lived show Mr. & Mrs. Smith about supposedly high
tech industrial espionage spies.  Following the instructions on the
screen, when told to press F4 to continue, the characters actually
pressed the F key and then the 4 key. This was followed by F10 and
you guessed it they pressed the F key, the 1 key, and the 0 key.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 16:40:51 EST
From:    "Martha E. Frantz" <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Lucky Charms <adult>

Forwarded from a friend... author and scientific study citation <g>
unknown...
------------
Don't cheat!  Before you read on, choose your favorite marshmallow
bit from Lucky Charms from the list below:

Pink hearts
Yellow moons
Orange stars
Green clovers
Blue diamonds
Purple horseshoes
Those icky oat bits

Okay. Have you got one in mind? Now you can read on. And don't change it!

Amazing new study shows that your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow bit
shape determines what you're like in bed! Yes, it's true--just take this
simple test to determine your true bedroom personality:

  GREEN CLOVERS: If your favorite Lucky Charms marshmallow shape
  is the green clover, you're a happy-go-lucky type in bed. You don't
  take anything too seriously in the bedroom or elsewhere and always
  manage to have a good time, even if you have someone else with
  you. You don't have any patience with depressed people and tend
  to sit on them until they cheer up.

  BLUE DIAMONDS: If your favorite marshmallow shape is the blue
  diamond, your thoughts in bed are mostly about what you'll get
  later. "If he really enjoys this, will he buy me that mink coat?"
  is probably what's going through your mind.  People who like blue
  diamonds have a notebook of preprinted fill-in-the-blank palimony
  suit forms and are the people most likely to file their nails
  while making love.

  ORANGE STARS: If your favorite shape is the orange star, you
  expect to be the center of attention in bed. You expect your
  partner to spend most of his time pleasing you and when you do
  something for him, you expect enthusiastic moaning if not
  applause. People who like orange stars often have mirrors over
  their beds, not because they are turned on by watching what is
  being done, but because they want to be able to watch themselves
  having a good time. They often moan out their own names while
  making love.

  PINK HEARTS: If you like pink hearts, you're the romantic type.
  You like your partner to whisper romantic phrases into your ear
  and, if he's too distracted to form coherent phrases, you'll
  settle for romantic syllables. People who like pink hearts read
  most of the romance novels published and are turned on by people
  wearing armor.

  PURPLE HORSESHOES: If purple horseshoes are your thing, your
  tastes are modern, uninhibited, and somewhat warped. You like
  variety in the bedroom, especially when you can include handcuffs,
  chains, swingsets, and chocolate pudding. Be careful when going
  out on a picnic with anyone who likes purple horseshoes--she's/
  he's likely to pin you down with croquet hoops when you're not
  looking and who knows what could happen next?

  YELLOW MOONS: If you're the yellow moon type, you're more
  interested in satisfying your partner's needs than your own. You
  prefer to lie back and wait for your partner to jump on you and
  express her/his needs verbally or nonverbally. People who like
  yellow moons usually own several pairs of handcuffs and other
  instruments of kinky sex just in case someone should ever want to
  tie them up and ravish them.  Keep your eyes open for anyone who
  eats all the yellow moons out of her cereal as soon as she opens
  the box.

  Those little oat bits that aren't marshmallows at all: If you
  prefer the little oat bits, you probably don't like sex anyway and
  don't need to read this article. People who prefer the oat bits
  usually become accountants, librarians who work at the reference
  desk, or government employees; these people like to chow down on a
  big bowl brimming with oat bits before a tough day of protesting
  suggestive lyrics in rock music. People who like oat bits have
  more time to spend writing letters to the editor than any other
  type.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 20:22:42 -0500
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: A few aphorisms

Laugh at your troubles and you will never run out of things to laugh at.

You must learn from the mistakes of others. You couldn't ever live long
enough to make them all yourself.

Speak well of your enemies. Remember, you were the one who made them.

God made man at the end of the week, when He was tired.

Then God made woman so that man might improve himself.

Any husband who thinks he's smarter than his wife is married to a very
clever woman.

To have teenager children is to know that you are alive, just as having a
headache is proof that you have a head.

When a man goes to trial after murdering both of his parents and pleads for
mercy because he is now an orphan. That's chutzpah.

Gesundheit--your health comes first, you can always hang yourself later.

Doctors will tell you that if you eat slowly, you will eat less. Any person
raised in a large family will tell you the same thing.

God gave us two ears and one tongue, so we may listen twice as much as we talk.

They say that work never killed anyone, but why take a chance on being the
first casualty.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 21:07:21 -0800
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts, mostly from the LA Times

WARNING: May be offensive to American politicians, OJ Simpson, US Postal
Workers, New Yorkers, teachers, the Pentagon, animal lovers, IRS auditors,
America Online. Includes reference to drug use and sex.

The Clinton Administration is still being criticized over China buying US
congressmen. We should make a law - if a foreign country buys congressmen,
they have to take them back with them. (Leno)

And keep them.

As part of the Olympic bombing investigation, the FBI has assembled over
4,600 photographs taken at Centennial Park. Amazingly, all of them show OJ
Simpson wearing Bruno Magli shoes. (O'Brien)

The US Postal Service has introduced the first triangular stamps. They look
nice, but... well... I'm just worried about those postal workers who... how
can I say this, don't react to change very well. (Daily Scoop) In an
unfortunate side effect, letters with the stamp addressed to the Bermuda
triangle mysteriously disappear.

The New England Journal of Medicine said that President Clinton's
opposition to the medical use of marijuana is misguided, heavy handed and
inhumane, not to mention it's a major buzzkill. (O'Brien)

The House of Representatives held a hearing on cloning this week. You have
to picture this - 400 white guys in blue suits and red ties announced that
they want to ban cloning.

New York has introduced a bill to ban cloning of humans. 49 other states
introduced bills to ban cloning of New Yorkers. (Daily Scoop)

Scientists in Oregon say they have cloned a monkey. This technique has just
been perfected. They tried cloning monkeys in the '60s but only ended up
with bad clones of the Beatles.

Recent tests found that 54% of California's fourth graders scored below
average in basic skills. "That's almost half!" said a stunned fourth grade
teacher.

The Supreme Court has upheld California's ban on unattended news racks
containing sex oriented publications. In a wide ranging decision, the
justices have vowed to get pornography off the streets and back on the
Internet where it belongs.

NASA has developed a new strategy to counter critics who say that the
agency spends too much and doesn't provide sufficient direct benefit to the
average taxpayer: they're publishing a series of instructional books based
on their unique
R & D experience! The first title will be "Repairing and Upgrading Orbital
Radiotelescopes for Dummies." (rec.humor.funny)

The Pentagon has revised its position on Gulf War Illness - it doesn't
exist, but it may be contagious.

The Mall of America, in Bloomington Minn., is now offering college classes.
The best part is, if you flunk out, you can just walk across to the food
court and start your job immediately. (Leno)

Computer users are excited about the new super fast modems. They will allow
you to download more easily, set up Web pages quickly, and reach the
America Online busy signal much faster.

Doctor Henry Breault, credited with inventing child proof bottle caps, died
last week. Dozens of friends and relatives attended what was supposed to be
an open casket funeral. (rec.humor.funny)

A Harvard study found that kids who feel loved grow into healthier adults.
On the plus side for the unloved group, they tended to land high paying
jobs as IRS auditors.

Police in New Jersey pulled over what they thought was a drunk driver and
it turned out to be a couple engaging in oral sex. The officers issued a
stern warning and a high five.

And finally, the fight for market share is escalating in the cereal
business. Kellogg offered its new Cocoa Frosted Flakes with sugar and the
added kick of chocolate. To stay competitive, General Mills is about to
introduce Captain Crack. Just to give you an idea how potent these cereals
are, Tony the Tiger went out of control and had to be shot.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 24 Mar 1997 to 25 Mar 1997
************************************************
