HUMOR Digest - 23 Mar 1997 to 24 Mar 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 574 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. PROGRAMMER VS ENGINEER
  2. Life's Upgrades (clean)
  3. One more prank
  4. Ask Bob <slightly offensive to cat lovers>
  5. You might be a Redneck if... pt3 (41-60 of 168)
  6. WIN95 Bugs <risque>May be offensive to religious, US, USSR, & MS
  7. Johnny Jokes <explicit language, adult material>
  8. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  9. I Want It !!!  (suggestive, VERY
 10. Nuns and nurses
 11. Humorous remarks of the late de Kooning
 12. bear joke (bad language, sex with bears)

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Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 1997 12:53:49 +0300
From:    DHARIF MAZEN ABDALLAH MUHAMMAD <s945986@DPC.KFUPM.EDU.SA>
Subject: PROGRAMMER VS ENGINEER

A friend of mine sent me this joke few days ago, I hope it was not
published before. However, this joke makes us ENGINEERS feel better !!!

     A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to
     each other on an airplane.  The Programmer leans over to the
     Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game.  The Engineer
     just wants to sleep so he politely , turns away and tries to
     sleep.

     The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game.
     He explains,"I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you
     pay me $5.  Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer
     I'll pay you $5."

     Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

     The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, "O.K., if you don't
     know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay
     you $50!"

     Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game.

     The Programmer asks the first question, "What's the distance to
     from the earth to the moon?"

     Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

     Now, its the Engineer's turn.  He asks the Programmer,"What goes up
     a hill with three legs and comes down on four?"

     The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his
     laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about
     an hour hands the Engineer $50.

     The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to sleep.

     The Programmer, a little miffed, asks, "Well what's the answer to
     the question?"

     Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to
     the Programmer, turns away and tries to sleep.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 1997 14:56:53 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Life's Upgrades (clean)

    Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 6.0 to Wife 1.0 and found
that it's a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other
applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning
Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources.
     No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product
brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that
this is to be expected due to the nature of the application.  Not only that,
Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system
initialization where it can monitor all other system activity.  He's finding
that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight
7.0 are no longer able to run, crashing the system when selected (even
though they always worked fine before). At installation, Wife 1.0
automatically installs undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and
BrotherInLaw Beta release. As a consequence system performance seems to
diminish with each passing day.

     Some features he'd like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0:
      * A "Don't remind me again" button
      * Minimize button
      * An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with
        the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and
        other system resources.
      * An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would
        allow the systems hardware probe feature to have greater use.

     I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0
by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems.
Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0.  You
must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing
bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend
have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have
fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program
for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn't work very well leaving undesirable traces of the
application in the system.
     Another annoying problem -- all versions of Girlfriend continually pop
up annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0.

                    ********  BUG WARNING  ********
     Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1
before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before
executing a self - uninstallation. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install,
claiming insufficient system resources.

                  ******** BUG WORK-AROUNDS ********
     To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different
system and never run any file transfer applications such as Laplink 6.0.
Also, beware of similar hardware applications that have been known to carry
viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.
     Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.1 via a UseNet provider
under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can
accidently be downloaded from the UseNet.

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 1997 15:57:34 +0100
From:    Jan Willem Frederikze <Oddball@DDS.NL>
Subject: One more prank

>From a Belgian in Canada:

Putting a light coat of icing sugar in someone's bed. The very fine stuff.
Nice and dry when they go to bed, like glue after a few hours of perspiring...

***

Stretching saran-wrap (transparent plastic film) over the toilet, BELOW!
the ring. Never noticed until too late...

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 1997 11:34:45 -0500
From:    Anine Sager <ASagerPDX@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ask Bob <slightly offensive to cat lovers>

Dear Bob,

How come you don't own a cat?

I'm glad you asked.  We don't have a cat because we don't need a cat.  We
have a broken down boat that serves as a shelter for cats in transition,
kinda like the Salvation Army, only we don't require them to give up drinking or smoking in order to stay.  Our dog believes that we do in fact need a cat,
perhaps several cats, since his plan is to kill them.  Personally, I gotta go
with him on this one, but for some reason,  my wife doesn't agree.  What a
killjoy.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 1997 13:34:03 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: You might be a Redneck if... pt3 (41-60 of 168)

YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF ....................
41.  You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
42.  You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
43.  You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
44.  You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms. Right'
45.  You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
46.  Your riches relative invites you over to his new home to help him
     remove the wheels and skirt.
47.  You've ever financed a tattoo.
48.  Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.
49.  You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
50.  You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
51.  Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
52.  Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.
53.  Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
54.  The directions to your house include "turn off the paved road".
55.  Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
56.  Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have
     those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
57.  You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
58.  You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
59.  Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
60.  You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the
     car.

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Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 1997 13:31:10 -0600
From:    Brian Kim <cyberkil@ENTERACT.COM>
Subject: WIN95 Bugs <risque>May be offensive to religious, US, USSR, & MS

One day, Bill Clinton, Bill Gates, and Borris Yeltson were called to a
summit meeting by God.

When they arrived, God said I have been very angry at the people of this
world lately. I am deciding to destroy this world on the New Years day of
the upcoming year. Then he sent them all back.

When they arrived this is what they did...

BORRIS YELTSON..  Went to broadcast to his nation and said.

"I have some BAD news and more BAD news.
The first one is that there is a god!
The other one is that this whole world will be destroyed next year on New
Year's Day."

BILL: CLINTON Did the same and said...

"I have GOOD news and BAD news.
The good news is that there is a god,
Bad news is that he's going to destroy the world on New years day next
year."

BILL GATES called a national broadcast and reported...

"I have GOOD news and more GOOD news.

The good news is that God has finally recognized me as one of the three
most important people in the world.
The other good news is that God has informed me that there is no need to
fix the bugs in Windows 95."


http://www.enteract.com/~cyberkil/

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 1997 13:49:49 -0600
From:    Brian Kim <cyberkil@ENTERACT.COM>
Subject: Johnny Jokes <explicit language, adult material>


One day, Johnny went out and caught two flies in his hand.

He went back in and asked "Daddy?"
"Yes?"
"Are there such things as boy flies?"
"WHy, yes there is son. Why?"
"I don't know, but are there such things as girl flies"
His father new where this was going to go (Have to talk about sex
and how it works and all that stuff), so he replied, "No there arent."
After hesitating for about 3 seconds, Johnny clapped his hands
as hard as he could and said, "FAGGOTS!"
_______________

One day Johnny was playing with his new toy airplane. He'd pretent to fly
it and say "OK, all you fucking people that wanna get off the plane get off
the plane, and you fucking people that want to get on the plane get on the
plane!"
Then he flew it again... and landed it again.
His mother just walked in from the grocery store.
"Ok, all you fucking people that wanna get off the plane get off the plane"
His mother heard this and was devistated, she sent, "Johnny! That language
is inacceptable in this household! GO to your room for an hour and think of
what you just said!"
So Johnny went to his room for an hour and came back down. He played with
his toy plane again, he said, "OK all you nice people that wanna get on the
plane get on the plane, if you're pist off about the one hour layover go
ask the fucking bitch in the kitchen!
_________________

One day, Johnny went to school. And during class, they were learning the
ABCs. So, the teacher said "This is the letter A. Does anyone know anything
that begins with the letter A"
"I do I do," Johnny replied,"Asshole!"
"Johnny! NO! Don't ever say that in class! That's a bad word! Now, does
anyone know of a word that begins with B?"
"I do I do!... BITCH!"
"NO NO NO NO! Johnny those are bad words! DOn't ever say them!"
Eventually she got up to the letter R.
"Does anyone a word that starts with the letter R?"
"I do I do I do!" Teacher thinks for a second and says, "ok Johnny, go
ahead."
"RAT!"
"Very good Johnn--"
"A big ol' fucking rat this big!"
__________________

This joke is more of an joke you say rather than read. You have to say the
punchline fast in order to get the full laughs.

Johnny was a good little boy, a long time ago, and had never ever heard a
swear. One day, after school, he found his parents fighting.
"You are a bitch" his father said
"What's a bitch?"Johnny said
"Oh, that's ummm. Adult language for Ladies."
Then they started again and his mother said, "You ASSHOLE!"
"What's asshole?"
"That's adult for Gentlemen"
Then, one day, they were having sex and Johnny was eavesdropping and
eventually walked in.
"Oh, your dick is so fine!"
"What's a dick"
"That's adult for... coats."
"Oh, your pussy is sooooooo nice!"
"What's a pussy?"
"That's adult for .. hats."
Eventually, it was Thanksgiving day. And his parents were setting up.
He went into the kitchen. His mom was carving the turkey and cut herself.
"FUCK!"
"What's fuck?"
"That's adult for carving."
Johnny went upstairs when his dad was shaving. He said,
"Dad! Mom's fucking the turkey!"
He accidentally cut himself with this news."SHIT!"
"What's shit?" That's adult for Shaving Cream."
Then, a distant noise, "ding dong"
Dad said, "Johnny, why don't you answer the door and welcome the guest."

He opens the door, (Punchline! Say it fast)

Hello bitches and assholes,
May I please take your dicks and pussies?
My mom's too busy fucking the turkey and
my dad's putting shit on his face!

http://www.enteract.com/~cyberkil/

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 1997 18:17:37 -0800
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
Includes some late night humor

WARNING: May be offensive to animal lovers, flood victims, Timothy McVeigh,
Dan Quayle, Clarence Thomas, AOL, Lousianians, British Royalty, Los
Angelenos, the IRS, smokers, President Clinton, Mafiosi, airline luggage
handlers AND airline food preparers Includes reference to drug use, sex,
God and doo doo heads...

Well folks, it's springtime, when a young man's fancy turns to thoughts of
love, while his remote turns to the NCAA tournament.

After President Clinton injured his knee, his press secretary was asked if
he had been given painkillers. The answer, "Yes, but he didn't swallow
them."

Al Gore is taking heat for his role in campaign fundraising. In true vice
presidential form, he issued a statement saying, "This is becoming a real
hot potatoe."

The IRS wants to improve its image. They will no longer answer the phone
with "Next victim", and their new mascot "Timmy the Tax Collector" will
replace the Grim Reaper. (Daily Scoop)

Liggett Group Inc. is going to settle several lawsuits by admitting that
smoking is addictive. In an equally shocking revelation, Frito Lay will
announce that eating Cheetos can result in an orange tongue and fingers.

More evidence is developing against Timothy McVeigh in the Oklahoma
bombing. In addition to the alleged confession, photos were found of him
wearing Bruno Maglis.

Flood damage in the Midwest was high and residents in Arkansas are still
cleaning up after devastating tornadoes. We here in California can only
wonder with amazement why people would want to love in such disaster prone
areas.

Several aftershocks from the '92 Landers earthquake shook up Southern
California desert areas recently. This is what people here like to call
earthquake weather, which is not to be confused with fire weather, urban
riot weather or drive by shooting weather. (Daily Scoop)

A third grade boy was arrested, strip searched and charged with a felony
for writing his name in wet cement in Las Vegas. Things have really changed
in Las Vegas - in the old days it was okay to put whole guys in cement.

In new guidelines for schools, the US Department of Education says that
when a six year old kisses a classmate on the cheek, it is not sexual
harassment. The kissee, however, is free to call the kisser a "doo doo
head". (Daily Scoop)

New FAA figures show that a record 573 million passengers flew on US
airlines during 1996. During those flights 273 arrived in the same city as
their luggage.

United Airlines has announced plans to increase the size portions in its
in-flights meals. Apparently the food they serve now is not quite cold
enough in the middle.

The Supreme Court is hearing arguments about a new law restricting indecent
materials on the Internet. Justice Clarence Thomas has volunteered to do
the research.

America Online customers are upset because the company has decided to allow
advertising in its chat rooms. I can see why - you got computer sex, you
can download pornography, people are making dates with 10 year-olds. Hey,
what's this? A Pepsi ad? They're ruining the integrity of the Internet!
(Leno)

A church in Bushnell Fla. received a Publishers Sweepstakes notice
announcing that God of Bushnell was a finalist for the $11 million prize.
There is one small catch - God will have to admit that he made a mistake
with the hairless cat.

Return of the Jedi is doing so well, they're thinking of re-releasing Star
Wars, which hasn't been re-released since January.

Prince William has been confirmed into the Church of England. Now, just
like his mother and father, he must obey the nine commandments.

Darryl Strawberry turned 35, which is about 53 in drug years.

Ian Wilmut, the Scottish scientist who cloned the sheep, was in Washington
to appear before Congress... at least they think it was him. His wife said,
"No, he was with me the whole time..." (Leno)

Pope John Paul II criticized genetic engineering, but some of it can be
very beneficial. One scientist crossed a chicken with a silkworm and came
up with a hen that lays eggs with pantyhose inside.

Kellogg has introduced its new Cocoa Frosted Flakes. The new cereal
contains sugar frosted flakes with the added kick of chocolate. Printed on
each box are instructions on how to coax your child down from the ceiling.

A survey of 33 metropolitan areas found New Orleans has the highest
percentage of obese people. What do they expect? Butter is the Louisiana
state vegetable. (Daily Scoop)

And finally, a new survey found that 61% of adults know people who go to
work under the influence of drugs or alcohol. The other 39% used the survey
as rolling paper.


*(I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it!)

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 1997 22:22:02 E
From:    Charlie Hill <hill@MARYWOOD1.MARYWOOD.EDU>
Subject: I Want It !!!  (suggestive, VERY

  It was given to me by my 15 year old daughter. Enjoy ;)


Dear  Johnny,

I know we have not known each other very long and I should not be
asking you this so soon.  But I want it so bad, so please don't get me
wrong.  It's something I haven't had in a long time.  I can already feel
it  going in so good and hard and coming out soft and wet.  No one will
ever  know.  I'm very desperate and with your help I will be grateful to
you.  You  must think I have a lot of nerve, but I feel my tongue
wrapping around it  sucking out the juice until there is no more.  This
has been on my mind all  day long.  I don't want to beat around the bush
any longer, so can I please  have a piece of gum?

P.S.  If you were thinking about something else, you have a dirty and
nasty mind.

                                                Yours truly,
                                                Jessica

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 1997 21:39:40 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Nuns and nurses

        What's the difference between a nun and a nurse?

        The nun only serves one God.

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Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 00:07:18 -0500
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Humorous remarks of the late de Kooning

In today's (23 March) NY Times (page E7), there is an entertaining
collection of humorous comments of Willem de Kooning. de Kooning died this
past Wednesday (19th) at the age of 92. He had moved in 1926 from Holland to
the USA. Besides being an icon of the art world, he is thought to have been
a major influence in the life of Yogi Berra.

I'm not a pastoral character. I'm not a -- how do you say that? -- "a
country dumpling."

I am here and I like New York City. But I love to go out in a car. I'm crazy
about weekend drives, even if I drive in the middle of the week.

The trouble with being poor is that it takes up all your time.

My interest in desperation lies only in that sometimes I find myself having
become desperate.

The sentiment of the Futurists was ... everything ought to keep on going!
That's probably the reaosn they went themselves.

I'm very glad to see that grass is green. At one point it was very daring to
make a figure red or blue. I think now that it's just as daring to make is
flesh colored.

Flesh was the reason why oil painting was invented!

I could paint the head of a horse, but that would be an abstract painting.

I got an idea for preparing colors that suit my particular way of painting
one day at Howard Johnson's, the ice cream makers.  ... Like htis color
here, see? --- the color of boiled liver.

Actually, I've fallen in love with nature. I don't know the names of trees,
but ... I've got a good eye for them, and they look back at me.

Then there is a time in life when you just take a walk: And you walk in your
own landscape.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Mar 1997 01:55:29 -0500
From:    Michael Pollak <mpollak@PANIX.COM>
Subject: bear joke (bad language, sex with bears)

   A hunter goes into the gun shop, and buys a rifle to go bear hunting.

   He gets to the forest, and sees a bear. He aims the rifle and shoots,
   fur flies everywhere. He goes up to see how badly hurt the bear is,
   when all of a sudden there is a tap on his shoulder.

   It's the bear.

   The bear picks him up, pulls his pants down, and fucks him up the
   arse. The hunter goes back to the gun shop, and buys a double
   barrelled shotgun, then heads back to the forest.

   He sees the bear, and shoots at him - fur flies everywhere. He walks
   up to see if he hit, and there's a tap on his shoulder. It's the bear
   again. The bear picks him up, pulls his pants down, and fucks him up
   the arse.

   The hunter goes back to the gun shop, and buys an M16, then heads back
   to the forest. Seeing the bear, he shoots at him, fur flies
   everywhere.

   He walks up to see if he hit, and there's a tap on his shoulder.

   It's the bear again. The bear picks him up, pulls his pants down, and
   fucks him up the arse.

   The hunter goes back to the gun shop, and buys a rocket launcher, then
   heads back to the forest. Seeing the bear, he fires five rockets at
   him, explosions and fur flies everywhere.

   He walks up to see if he hit, and there's a tap on his shoulder. The
   bear says "You don't really come up here for the hunting, do you?"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Mar 1997 to 24 Mar 1997
************************************************
