HUMOR Digest - 22 Mar 1997 to 23 Mar 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 423 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Love Making {adult}
  2. Various (all clean, slight innuendo in 3rd joke)
  3. Practical joke
  4. The condom ( extremley sick, extreme adult)
  5. Another Clone Joke!
  6. Frat Joke (sick?)
  7. Hell {sickening if you think about it}
  8. technical harrassment
  9. Hole in par
 10. trouble maker boys (poss off religuious)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 1997 15:11:00 PST
From:    June Buggy <JD@THEPENTAGON.COM>
Subject: Love Making {adult}

 A French man, an American and a Swiss were discussing
 love-making.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times," boasted the
 Frenchman.  "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."

 "Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the American
 responded, "and this morning she made me a wonderful
 omelette and told me she could never love another man."

 When the Swiss remained silent, the Frenchman smugly
 asked, "And how many times did you make love to your wife
 last night?"

  "Once." he replied.

  "Only once?" the American arrogantly snorted. "And what did
  she say to you this morning?"

 "don't stop."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 1997 12:30:34 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Various (all clean, slight innuendo in 3rd joke)

10 Signs You're Too Stressed (clean)

 1. Relatives that have been dead for years come visit you and suggest that
    you should get some rest.
 2. You can achieve a "runner's high" just by sitting up.
 3. Trees begin chasing you.
 4. You can see individual air molecules vibrating.
 5. You begin to explore the possibility of setting up an I.V. drip solution
    of espresso.
 6. You wonder if brewing is really a necessary step for the consumption of
    coffee.
 7. You and Reality file for a divorce.
 8. It appears that people are speaking to you in binary code.
 9. Antacid tablets become your sole source of nutrition.
10. You begin to talk to yourself, then disagree about the subject, get into
    a nasty row about it, lose, and refuse to speak to yourself for the rest
    of the night.
--------------------
Dinner and a Canoe... (clean)

     A Frenchman, an Englishman and a New Yorker were captured by cannibals.
The chief comes to them and says, "The bad news is that now that we've
caught you, we're going to kill you.  We will put you in a pot, cook you,
eat you, and then we're going to use your skins to build a canoe.  The good
news is that you may choose how to die."
     The Frenchman says, "I take ze sword."  The chief gives him a sword,
the Frenchman says, "Vive la France!" and runs himself through.
     The Englishman says, "A pistol for me, please."  The chief gives him a
pistol, the Englishman points it at his head and says, "God save the Queen!"
and blows his brains out.
     The New Yorker says, "Gimme a fork."  The chief is puzzled, but he
shrugs and gives him a fork.  The New Yorker takes the fork and starts
jabbing himself all over: the stomach, sides, chest, everywhere.  There is
blood gushing out all over; it's horrible.
     The chief is appalled and asks, "My God, what are you doing?"
     And the New Yorker responds, "So much for your canoe you idiot!"
--------------------
Wedding Night Lesson (clean, but innuendo)

     A young couple just married and in their honeymoon suite on their
wedding night.  As they undressed for bed, the husband, who was a big
bruiser, tossed his pants to his bride and said "Here, put these on!"
     She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.  "I can't
wear your pants!" she said.
     "That's right!!" said the husband, "And don't you forget it.  I wear
the pants in the family!"
     With that, she flipped him her panties and said--"Try these on!"
     He tried them on and found that he could only get them on as far as his
knee caps.  He said, "Hell, I can't get into your panties!".      She said,
"That's right, and that's the way it's going to be until your attitude changes!"
--------------------
The Drunk (clean)

     A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender (with a drunken
slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and
give me the bill." So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill
for $57.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it."
     The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into
the street.
     The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says
(with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour
yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender looks at the guy and
figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same
trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of
drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for
$67.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it.
He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him
out into the street.
     The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with
a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the
bill. In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?"
     The drunk replies, "You !!?? No way! You get too violent when you drink."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 1997 09:00:05 -0300
From:    Carlos Arruda Accioly <caccioly@MAIL.RIO.COM.BR>
Subject: Practical joke

This one happened in my school. Some students piled up several ping-pong
tables underneath the window of a classroom, so the drop from the window
would be just about three or four feet.

In the middle of Physics class, one of the students got up all of a sudden,
screamed "I CAN'T TAKE THIS ANY MORE!" and jumped out the window to the
ping-pong table below. His accomplices outside made it sound like a really
nasty fall by striking trash cans and making a big din. Meanwhile, at
class, another student pointed an accusing finger at the shocked teacher,
yelled "YOU! IT'S YOUR FAULT MY FRIEND DID THIS! I'VE HAD IT!" and jumped
out as well.

The poor teacher nearly had a heart attack.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 1997 12:48:43 -0500
From:    Ringo <bubu@TRINIDAD.NET>
Subject: The condom ( extremley sick, extreme adult)

A man and his girlfriend are having sex on a bed.
The woman says to the man "Hon, I'm going to the bathroom, take that old
thing off and get a new one."
So the man takes off his condom and throws it out the window...

Meanwhile, the girl is in the bathroom, a boy walking outside picks up the
condom and (in innocence) wonders what this is...

"AHHH, a twinke the boy concludes!"

As the woman comes out of the bathroom, she asks her boyfriend where his
condom is, and he said he threw it out the window, because she did not want
it anymore..

"Nooo, I want that condom back... you better get it or this night is over..."

The man rushes to the window and looks down at the boy and tells the boy he
will give him 10 dollars for that back...

"No, I want 20 bucks says the boy"

"AARRRRGGGHHHH, ok here.."

He tosses the twenty down as the boy throws the condom up. Back on the man
continues to ramm his girl...

Later.. At home, the boy shows his mom the twenty bucks and she asks where
he got it..

"Well, see I was walking home and I found a twinkie on the ground, and this
guy offered me 20 bucks for it, but I really jipped him, I sucked all the
cream out first!"

----------------------------------------------
It is better to be thought a fool.....
Than to open your mouth and remove all doubt!!!

http://www.geocities.com/RainForest/3633

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 1997 12:59:48 -0500
From:    Ringo <bubu@TRINIDAD.NET>
Subject: Another Clone Joke!

Clone of My Own (To the tune of "Home on the Range")

Oh, give me a clone,
With the genes like my own,
But convert my Y to an X.
And since she's like me,
It's a sure certainty,
That she'll think of nothing but sex.

(Chorus)

Clone, clone of my own,
Who's always eager to play,
Means we'll have great fun,
And I'll only need one,
So please get her started today.

As long as you're mixing,
Some genes could use fixing,
To make her the best she can be.
Blond hair and blue eyes,
And a skinnier size,
And an IQ a bit less than me.

(chorus)

Please send me my clone,
Just as soon as she's grown,
Past the virtual age of eighteen.
I'm tired of dating,
And eagerly waiting,
To make it on the cloning scene.

(chorus)


----------------------------------------------
It is better to be thought a fool.....
Than to open your mouth and remove all doubt!!!

http://www.geocities.com/RainForest/3633

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 1997 12:59:45 -0500
From:    Ringo <bubu@TRINIDAD.NET>
Subject: Frat Joke (sick?)

A man wakes up at a friend's house after a night of kegger-hopping on
fraternity row, but his wallet is missing. All he can remember about the
previous night was that he went to the bathroom in a huge golden toilet. He
thinks maybe his wallet fell out when he dropped trou to use it.

So, he tries Alpha Gamma Delta. No golden toilet. Then he tries Sigma
Gamma. Still no golden toilet. Gradually he works his way down frat row
until the last house, Phi Upsilon Kappa... home of the football lettermen.

"Ah, 'scuse me, but I was here, I think, at a kegger last night and I think
I left my wallet. Do you by chance have a golden toilet?"

The frat boy thinks a second, then calls back into the common room, "Hey,
Killer, I think we found the guy who took a dump in your tuba!"


----------------------------------------------
It is better to be thought a fool.....
Than to open your mouth and remove all doubt!!!

http://www.geocities.com/RainForest/3633

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 1997 00:14:00 PST
From:    June Buggy <JD@THEPENTAGON.COM>
Subject: Hell {sickening if you think about it}

Hi people, I got this one as a birthday gift from a friend. I think this has
been posted before but I cant remember when so enjoy......

A man died and went to hell.  Upon arrival he met with the CDIC
(Chief Devil in Charge).

Devil:  We run things a bit differently nowadays, you get to pick
      your own personal hell.
Man:  That's not so bad, whatcha got?
Devil:  Well, I'm going to open a series of doors, look inside,
assess the situation and then tell me if that's where you want to
spend eternity.
Man:  OK.

The devil opens the first door and there's a room of people
standing on their heads on a hardwood floor.

Man:  Ouch, that seems painful.  It's not for me, what's next.

The devil opens the next door to reveal the same situation, only
on concrete floors.

Man:  That looks worse, got anything left.

The devil opens the third door to reveal a room full of people
standing knee deep in shit drinking coffee.

Man:  Well, the shit smells but I could stand the smell and drink
      coffee all day.  I'll take this one.
Devil:  Are you sure this is the one you want.
Man:  Absolutely!

The devil then escorts him in the room shuts and locks the door.
As soon as the door closes, a whistle blows and a loud speaker says

"Alright, coffee break is over, back on your heads."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 1997 18:34:08 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: technical harrassment

                                What is
                          Technical Harassment

   In our complex technical environment there are many opportunities for a
competent technical individual to be the subject of technical harassment.
Sometimes it can be so subtle that you may not even be aware you are being
harassed. Worse yet, you may inadvertently technically harass another
person by accident.

   Following are some guidelines to help you determine if you are being
technically harassed.

   If you are repeatedly asked the same technical question you may be the
victim of technical harassment.  While it is most common to be asked the
question repeatedly within the same conversation, some instances have been
identified of habitual technical harassment.  Habitual technical
harassment is not uncommon and has been known to exhibit group tendencies
where members of a group may ask the same question repeatedly.  Untreated,
these instances of group technical harassment can continue for years.

   If you are asked a technical question by a non-technical person and
they do not write your answer down it is likely the question is frivolous.
Most non-technical people are not capable of remembering a true technical
answer for more than 30 seconds.

   If you are forced into a discussion where a person uses more than three
(3) buzzwords in one sentence the person is most likely a fake and you are
the unwitting victim of technical harassment.  One note of caution,
competent technical people have been known to inadvertently use buzzwords
after reading mindless drivel like PC Week or LAN Times.  If the person
has been known to use more common technical terms in the past such as
"stuff" and "things", they are most likely victim of computer magazine
brainwashing.

   If during a troubleshooting session a person uses the term "trick".
For example "maybe we could trick the database into thinking it has been
updated".  This is a sure sign of technical harassment.

   If a person explains that a needed feature will be provided by a vendor
and that person is nontechnical then you are at risk of being technically
harassed.  If you believe that person, you have definitely been
technically harassed, if you don't believe them you have only been
technically annoyed.

   If when trying to resolve a technical problem with a product from a
vendor and you are instructed to call the salesman that sold us the
product you are being set up for technical harassment.  It is a common
reaction for a non-technical person when they have purchased technical
equipment to call another non-technical person.  The dialogue between two
nontechnical people usually provides some sense of comfort that they
aren't the only ones who are confused.
                        (Unattributed, but its been around for a while.)

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Mar 1997 02:01:03 -0000
From:    John Baggaley <johnbaggaley@ENTERPRISE.NET>
Subject: Hole in par

(courtesy of Mike Osman on British TV)

I met one of Sevi Ballesteros' Spanish girlfriends the other day and after
we went to her room and 'did the business',

I was about to leave and  she said 'Hey where are you going. 'Come back and
do it some more'.

So I did and was just about to leave again and get a taxi and she said
'Sevi wouldn't leave now'.
I said 'What do you think I am on  - Weetabix or something (British
breakfst biscuit - can you manage three?)'  and climbed aboard again  - by
this time I was numb from the hips down.

When she told  me I'd finished (not that I knew by now) , I grabbed the
 phone,
She said 'Hey what are you  doing'.
I said' I'm phoning Sevi to find out the par for ths hole'!.


------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Mar 1997 23:51:01 -0600
From:    Lawrence <n9tog@WWA.COM>
Subject: trouble maker boys (poss off religuious)

     In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10
     years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in
     the neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their
     parents were at their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about
     a priest nearby who worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested
     to the father that they ask the priest to talk with the boys. The
     father replied, "Sure, do that before I kill them!"

     The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but
     said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother
     sent him to the priest.

     The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat
     behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each
     other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and
     asked, "Where is God?"

     The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all
     around, but said nothing.

     Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is
     God?"

     Again the boy looked all around but said nothing. A third time, in a
     louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put
     his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"

     The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother,
     he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they
     usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG
     trouble."

     The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"

     His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Mar 1997 to 23 Mar 1997
************************************************
