HUMOR Digest - 21 Mar 1997 to 22 Mar 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 549 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Pizza, God & Prunes (all clean)
  2. Chocolate & Sex <adult>
  3. Humor:offensive to MS
  4. Wayne County Deer Hunters
  5. two funnies, not offensive
  6. Ask Bob
  7. You Can't Make This Stuff Up
  8. Another Pistol Packing Kindergartener Busted!
  9. dead baby jokes (really tasteless!)
 10. pranks and revenge <offensive to the mundane>
 11. A Man's Baby <adult>
 12. Dangerous Rodent (perverted)
 13. little Suzy (slightly suggestive)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 1997 10:16:32 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Pizza, God & Prunes (all clean)

 1. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak.
    When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream
    GOODBYE at the top of your lungs.
 2. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're
    going with the lowest bidder.
 3. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was
    I?  Who are you?"
 4. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.
 5. Start the conversation with, "My call to Domino's, Take 1 and... action"
 6. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box.  When they say yes, heave a sigh
    of relief.
 7. When they repeat your order, say, "Again, with a little more oomph this
    time."
 8  After ordering say, "I wonder what this button does?" - Simulate a cutoff.
 9. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be
    my last entry..."
10. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
11  Ask if they would like to sample your pizza.  Suggest an even trade.
12. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
    background.  Yell OW! when a bullet is fired.
13. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
14. Tell them to put the crust on top this time."
15. Eliminate verbs from your speech.
16. Stutter on the letter "p"
17. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
18. Change your accent every three seconds.
19. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
20. Try to talk while drinking something.

(from UCT's Sax Appeal)
--------------------
     In a certain suburban neighborhood, there were two brothers, 8 and 10
years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whatever went wrong in the
neighborhood, it turned out they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at
their wits' end trying to control them. Hearing about a priest nearby who
worked with delinquent boys, the mother suggested to the father that they
ask the priest to talk with the boys. The father replied, "Sure, do that
before I kill them!"
     The mother went to the priest and made her request. He agreed, but said
he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone. So the mother sent him to
the priest.
     The priest sat the boy down across a huge, impressive desk he sat
behind. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each
other. Finally, the priest pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked,
"Where is God?"
     The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around,
but said nothing.
     Again, louder, the priest pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"
     Again the boy looked all around but said nothing.  A third time, in a
louder, firmer voice, the priest leaned far across the desk and put his
forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and asked, "Where is God?"
     The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother,
he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they
usually plotted their mischief. He finally said, "We are in BIIIIG trouble."
     The older boy asked, "What do you mean, BIIIIG trouble?"

     His brother replied, "God is missing and they think we did it."
--------------------
     Robert, age eight, was the son of strict Presbyterian parents.  He was
very, very good, worked hard at school, did his chores, and was generally
helpful and obedient.  But one morning, for some reason, he came down to
breakfast in a very nasty mood.   When his mother served him prunes, he
snarled, "I don't want prunes," and he refused to eat them.
     His parents were aghast, and his father said, "Robert, you know that
God commanded children to honor and obey their parents, and He will punish
those who do not."
     But Robert still refused and was angrily sent back to bed, and the
prunes were put in the refrigerator.
     A few minutes later, a terrible thunderstorm came up with great roars
and flashes of lightning.  "Ah, wonderful," said Robert's
mother,"this will teach him a lesson."
     Robert came back down the stairs, went into the kitchen and opened the
fridge.
     From there, just after another flash and roar, the boy's voice was
heard saying, "Heck of a fuss to make about a few stupid prunes."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 1997 12:14:53 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Chocolate & Sex <adult>

Twenty reasons why chocolate is better than sex:

1)      You can get chocolate any time you want.
2)      "If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
3)      Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
4)      You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
5)      You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
6)      You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
7)      If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
8)      Two people of the same sex can have chocolate (even in
          public), without being called  nasty names.
9)      The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
10)     You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during
           working hours without upsetting your co-workers.
11)     You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your
           face slapped.
12)     You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
13)     With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
14)     Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
15)     You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
16)     Good chocolate is easy to find.
17)     You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
18)     You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
19)     When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbours awake.
20)     With chocolate size doesn't matter.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 1997 07:44:53 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:offensive to MS

IF MICROSOFT HQ WERE IN ALABAMA

1. Their #1 product would be "Microsoft Winders"
2. Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get and empty beer bottle
3. Occasionally you'd bring up a winder that was covered with a Hefty
   bag and some duct tape.
4. Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-right", "Naw", or
   "Git", instead of "Yes", "No", or "Cancel".
5. Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos.
6. The "Recycle Bin" in Winders 95 would be an outhouse.
7. Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk
   redneck yelling "Freebird!"
8. Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders 95 theme song would be
   "Achey-Breaky Heart".
9. PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt".
10. Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul
    C++".
11. Winders 95 logo sould incorporate the Confederate Flag.
12. Instead of "VP", Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz".
13. Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am.
14. Four words: Daisey Dukes screen saver.
15. "Well, the first thing you know ole Bill's a billionaire..."
16. Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor-Pull Simulator.
17. Microsoft CEO: Billy-Bob (a.k.a. "Bubba") Gates.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 1997 07:42:05 -0500
From:    Mark Morris <Whrek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Wayne County Deer Hunters

These two Wayne County brothers went out in the woods to do some deer
hunting. They drove their pickup to a secluded place, parked, and headed out
into the deep woods. They had been at it for several hours with no luck, when
suddenly they spotted a magnificent buck. The oldest brother then bagged it
with one shot(even Wayne Countians can shoot!). When they got over to the
deer, they were delighted to see it was a beautiful 16 point buck! Well, they
field-dressed it and started dragging it back to their truck. Problem was,
they were dragging it by the back legs to the truck, and what with the blood
and all, the rear hooves were kinda slippery and their hands kept slipping
off. The more they dragged, the oftener their hands slipped off and they
weren't making much progress. finally, they were dragging it, and another
hunter came upon them, and watched,bemused, while the two brothers worked.
"Hey fellers," he said,"I can tell you why you're having so much trouble and
how to make it a lot easier on you." The brothers asked what he thought they
could do to make moving this animal easier. "Well, if you look at the deer's
antlers, you see they could well be used for handles. You'll have better
control over the carcass, and it won't keep getting stuck on the brush." the
other hunter suggested. The brothers hit themselves on their foreheads-"I
can't believe we didn't think of that- what a great idea.Thanks a LOT!" they
cried. So they grabbed onto the deer's rack and started pulling- sure enough
it worked much better. The older brother said," We should have thought of
this a loong time ago- look how much better progress we're making now!" The
other brother said,"Yeah, but look how far away we're getting from the
truck."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 1997 06:45:23 -0600
From:    Cyndi Johnson <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: two funnies, not offensive

>>>Prostitute sues client
Source: AP
Contributor: Capt. Papineau [papineau@1cdndiv.kingston.net]

STOCKHOLM, Sweden (03-12) - A prostitute sued a client over a
missed appointment.
An unidentified man booked an appointment with a prostitute but
failed to show up for the encounter. The prostitute sent him a
$200 bill and filed court charges when he refused to pay.
"If a dentist makes an appointment with a customer and that person
chooses not to show up at the agreed-upon time and place, then he
or she would be charged for the visit," she said in court papers.
Prostitution is legal in Sweden.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Larry Walters is among the relatively few who have actually turned their
dreams into reality.  His story is true, though you may find it hard to
believe.

Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly.  When he
graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming
a pilot.  Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him.  So when he
finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself with watching others
fly the fighter jets that crisscrossed the skies over his backyard.  As
he sat there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying.

Then one day, Larry Walters got an idea.  He went down to the local
army-navy surplus store and bought a tank of helium and forty-five
weather balloons.  These were not your brightly colored party balloons,
these were heave-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when
fully inflated.

Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn
chair, the kind you might have in your own back yard.  He anchored the
chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with helium.
Then he packed some sandwiches and drinks and loaded a BB gun, figuring
he could pop a few of those balloons when it was time to return to
earth.

His preparations complete, Larry Walters sat in his chair and cut the
anchoring cord.  His plan was to lazily float back down to terra firma.
But things didn't quite work out that way.

When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if
fired from a cannon!  Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet.

He climbed and climbed until he finally leveled off at eleven thousand
feet!  At that height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the
balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experience flying!  So
he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss
as to how to get down.

Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles
International Airport.  A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about passing a
guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet with a gun in his lap.  (Now
there's a conversation I'd have given anything to have heard!)  LAX is
right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall, the winds on the
coast begin to change.  So, as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out to
sea. At that point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him.  But
the rescue team had a hard time getting to him, because the draft from
their propeller kept pushing his home-made contraption farther and
farther away. Eventually they were able to hover over him and drop a
rescue line with which they gradually hauled him back to earth.

As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested.  But as he was being
led away in handcuffs, a television reported called out, "Mr. Walters,
why'd you do it?"  Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied
nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."

-------------
This message was printed with recycled electrons

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 1997 09:33:51 -0500
From:    Anine Sager <ASagerPDX@AOL.COM>
Subject: Ask Bob

Dear Bob:
Should Clinton be quoting scripture?

I'm glad you asked.  Yes, Clinton should be quoting scripture.  It must drive
the Christians nuts, but they shoulda seen it coming.  After all, he's been
speaking Republican since 1991, and it's worked out quite nicely so far.  I would like to see him quote from the Qu'ran in the original Arabic, but the Iranians would then be forced to put out a contract on his life, causing him to go into seclusion, appearing as a surprise guest on Letterman every so often.  Come to think of it, maybe that's not such a bad idea.  Of course, the obvious drawback to that would be that we would then be stuck with Gore (who *should* change his first name to Earnest) and the boredom meter would be buried in the red zone.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 1997 10:43:33 -0500
From:    Matt Grob <MATTHEW.GROB@EY.COM>
Subject: You Can't Make This Stuff Up

Following is the entire text from a blurb in today's (03-21-97) New York Times,
page A19.  It is further proof that the gene pool continues to police itself!

DEFENDANT IN A ROBBERY WEARS HIS BOOTY TO TRIAL

WICHITA,Kan., March 20 (AP) - A man on trial this week for robbing a shoe store
at knifepoint probably did not help his case by propping his feet on the
defense table - in a pair of stolen boots.

The defendent, Charles Taylor, was identified as the man who stole a pair of
tan hiking boots and $69 on Dec. 18.

The judge, James Fleetwood, expressed surprise: "I leaned over and stared. I
said, 'Surely nobody would be so stupid as to wear the boots he stole to his
trial.' "

The prosecution did not make Mr. Taylor's choice in footwear part of its case.
But while the jury deliberated, a law-enforcement officer called the shoe store
and learned that the stolen boots were size 10 1/2 from Lot No. 1046 - matching
the boots that Mr. Taylor wore to trial.

Officers confiscated the boots on Tuesday when Mr. Taylor was found guilty of
aggravated robbery after the jury deliberated for an hour.

"We sent him back to jail in his stocking feet," the judge said.

Mr. Taylor faces about 15 years in prison because of his criminal history, said
Mark Jordan, assistant district attorney for Sedgwick County.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 1997 10:10:22 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Another Pistol Packing Kindergartener Busted!

              5-Year-Old Suspended For Toy Gun In School

 WORCESTER,MA.(AP) (c) - Joshua Crowley reached into his bag and pulled out
his weapon. And for that, Crowley got a stiff fine: suspension from
kindergarten.

 During lunch at the Chandler Magnet School Monday, the 5-year-old decided
to show his pal his new toy gun. The little boy had found $1 at a St.
Patrick's Day parade and bought a kit that included the toy weapon, a
police cap, and a badge.

 School Superintendent James Garvey would not say whether toy guns are
banned in schools, but said officials can use their discretion.

 The boy was given a one-day suspension for violating the city school
weapons policy.

 The boy's mother said the policy makes no reference to toy guns.

`I know we have to keep guns and knives out of the schools, but this is
ridiculous,'' Jennifer Crowley told The Telegram &Gazette.(AP)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 1997 10:32:12 -0800
From:    Ralph Walter Lewis <ralphwl@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: dead baby jokes (really tasteless!)

What makes a dead baby float?
        One scoop of ice cream and a scoop of dead baby.

How did the dead baby cross the road?
        Stapled to the chicken.

What's the difference between unloading a truckload of dead babies and a
truckload of bowling balls?
        You can use a pitchfork on the dead babies.

Why do they boil water when a baby's being born?
        So that if it's born dead, they can make soup.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 1997 13:43:38 -0500
From:    Ross Stocks <ROSS.STOCKS.PSD36651@NT.COM>
Subject: pranks and revenge <offensive to the mundane>

I used to pull this joke regularly on all new arrivals into our
department. I had fashioned a sort of catapult using a very flexible
plastic ruler and cable-end-cap attached to the end of the ruler (a
cable-end-cap is about the size and shape of an aerosol can cap). Inside
the victim's pencil drawer (sometimes known as a lap drawer) I would
tape the end of the ruler opposite the cap to the bottom of the drawer.
This way I could fold the cap end of the ruler back so that the cap
would be open-end-up. I would then fill the cap with hole-punch
"confetti" and close the drawer holding the
"catapult" in the "cocked" position. Then when the victim opened the
drawer, the device would launch the confetti into the victim's lap,
face, or whatever else might be in the line of fire.

Finally one coworker decided to effect revenge. He placed a couple
pieces of confetti on my floor, but did nothing else. Being the cautious
type, I immediately noticed the confetti pieces and checked my storage
place for my catapult. It was gone. I then very cautiously set about
searching my cubicle for the loaded launcher with the intent of not
tripping it. About a half hour later I began to realize I had been had.
A quick and careful scrutiny of the faces of my neighbors confirmed my
suspicion.

=============

Another prank is one I pulled on my honeymooning best friends. They had
asked me to house-sit for them while they were away. I removed the
lables to all their canned foods. It gave them a new appreciation for
the term "pot luck dinner."

With patience this prank can be improved upon. Steam the labels loose
and then glue them back onto different cans.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 1997 22:26:00 PST
From:    I love it when they call me June Buggy <JD@THEPENTAGON.COM>
Subject: A Man's Baby <adult>

 A young couple are on their way to Vegas to get married.  Before getting
there, the girl said to the guy that she has a confession to make; the reason
that they have not been too intimate is because she is quite flat chested. If
the guy wishes to cancel the wedding, it is okay with her.  The guy thought
about it for a while, and said he does not mind she is flat, and sex is not
the most important thing in a marriage.

 Several miles down the road, the guy turned to the girl and said that he
also wants to make a confession; he said below his waist, it is just like a
baby. If the girl wants to cancel the marriage, it is okay with him. The girl
thought about it for a while and said that she does not mind, and she also
believed there are other things far more important than sex in a marriage.

 They were happy that they are honest with each other.  They went on to Vegas
and got married.  On their wedding night, the girl took off her clothes; she
is as flat as a washboard.  Finally, the guy took off his clothes. One glance
at the guy's naked body, the girl fainted and fell to the floor.

 After she became conscious, the guy asked:  I told you before we got
married; why did you still faint?  The girl said:  you told me it was just
like a baby.

 The guy replied:  yes, 8 pounds and 21 inches.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 1997 15:39:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Dangerous Rodent (perverted)

What you are about to read is a true story from the pages of the LA Times.
                -----------------------------------
Los Angeles Times

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only
trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors
in the Severe Burns Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital.

Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been
admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone
seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped
Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out
"Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot
but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a
match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what
happened next.  "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a
flame shot out the tube, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely
burning his face.  It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers
which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine,
propelling the rodent out like a cannonball."

Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the
impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree
burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.

-----------------------

Anonymous response to dangerous rodent:

O.K., here's the top ten things that scared me the most in reading this story:

 10. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum . . ."   Ouch!!!

  9. "So I peered into the tube . . ."
     Aaaaaahhhhhhh.  I'm sorry, but that's like  looking through a
     telescope into hell.  I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun.

  8. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self esteem)
     being shot out of the guy's ass like Rocky the Flying Squirrel
     on Rocky & Bullwinkle.

  7. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of
     someone's ass.  I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt said
     gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's
     "tunnel of love."

  6. People walking around with these volcanic-like pockets of gas in
     their rectums.

  5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were
     doing when taken to the emergency room.  Sorry, but I think I
     would have made up a story about a gang of roving, pyromaniac,
     anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with
     a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth.  Call me old
     fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and 
     saying "Well doc, it's like this.  See we have this gerbil
     named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube . . ."

  4. "First and second degree burns to the anus".  Wouldn't this make
     the burning itch and discomfort of hemmoroids a welcome relief?
     How does one ever take a healthy shit after something like this?
     And the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible
     scents on the face of God's green earth.

  3. People named "Kiki" which is obviously a Polynesian word for
     "Idiotic white men who insert rodents up their butts."

  2. What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

  1. This happened in Salt Lake City.  What kind of people are those
     Mormons?  I'm starting to get a whole new image of the Osmond family.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 1997 15:13:25 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: little Suzy (slightly suggestive)

                               LIL' SUZY

   A teacher asked Lil' Suzy, "Please punctuate the following sentence:
 'Fun fun fun worry worry worry.'"

   Lil' Suzy thought for a moment and began her reply, "Let's see...
 'Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry!'"

Thanks to Tracy E Shaw and Jokemaster

Jack Kolb
Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Mar 1997 to 22 Mar 1997
************************************************
