HUMOR Digest - 20 Mar 1997 to 21 Mar 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 615 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. President Clinton
  2. Breakfast (crude,not offensive)
  3. The Trek  <adult>
  4. Sardarji meets Gary Kasparov <off. to Surds>
  5. Various (1=clean, 2=tasteless, 3=language, 4=sexual)
  6. You might be a Redneck if... pt2 (20-40 of 168)
  7. As Old As His Jokes
  8. Another prank
  9. New Medical Knowledge
 10. Another off color joke (off to blacks)
 11. Fwd: HOOKED ON EBONICS slightly racist]
 12. Super Computers
 13. Its the way you think <suggestive>
 14. News Item: Clean - Attention Fans of British Comedies
 15. practical jokes

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 19 Mar 1997 21:23:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: President Clinton

President Clinton has admited to drinking the night of his recent knee
injury.  When questioned about this he replied, "I was drinking but I
didn't swallow."

---
"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 1997 05:00:46 -0500
From:    Hardus Steyn <hardus@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Breakfast (crude,not offensive)

Pete's parents had a big problem with him - he was in grade one, and
couldn't stop swearing. So they tried everything - even the shrink
didn't know what to do. His dad gor fedup with this and decided that
they should hit him with the fist as hard as they can right in the
face when he swears again.

So early the next morning, Pete came into the kitchen for breakfast...

His Mom immediately asks, "Pete, what would you like for breakfast",
To witch he replied "I want fucking bacon and fucking egss". His mom,
not hesatating for one moment struck him right in the face.... Lights
out, broken nose and everything...

About ten minutes later (when he woke up again), His mom wants to
know what he'd like for breakfast. Pete:"I want fucking bacon and
fucking eggs". Never hesitating his mom struck him again .... flying
throught the kitchen door and into the living room. Jaw broken,
lights out for about an half an hour.

When he woke up his mom asks "what would you like for breakfast",
and his reply...

"GIVE ME FUCKING RICE CRISPIES, 'CAUSE I'LL BE STUPID TO ASK FOR
FUCKING BACON AND EGGS AGAIN!!!!"

----------------------------------------------
It is better to be thought a fool.....
Than to open your mouth and remove all doubt!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 1997 12:38:34 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Trek  <adult>

This joke was told, if memory serves, by Robin Williams:

The young, inexperienced sperm to the older, experienced one:
"Hey, when are we getting to the uterus?"
"Patience, kid, we are not even out of the esophagus, yet!"


------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 1997 13:40:56 +0300
From:    Rahman Abdul <arahman@GISQATAR.ORG.QA>
Subject: Sardarji meets Gary Kasparov <off. to Surds>

"This is a number from the famous Sardarji jokes, the popular Indian
joke series...to share with the world's most humor-hearted people"

....Iqbal Singh is travelling from Moscow to turbanPore [Capital of
Khalistan WHICH IS IN PAKISTAN ] by Kothi Pacific. Seated besides him is
Gary Kasparov. Gary asks him whether he would like to play chess to kill
time.
Iqbal goes" He he! you think i don't know who U are?. I wouldn't like to
compete with a world champion"
Gary " How about if i play left handed?"
Iqbal [Think.. Think..] " OK!"
Iqbal is demolished in 5 moves..and is very upset through-out the rest
of the journey. On landing he meets his friend guldu Sherab sinngh.
IqbalHey! U know what!
I played Chess with Gary Kasparov and he defeated me inspite of him
playing left-handed..
Sherab:*He he he!! He sure did fool you!!
U know what!!
*Gary is LEFT-HANDED....!!!!!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 1997 12:50:03 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Various (1=clean, 2=tasteless, 3=language, 4=sexual)

1.  This first one comes from Doug Harder (Harter@exchange.pader.gov),
another Humor subscriber, who heard it on his local radio station yesterday
morn...
-----
     An Irishman dies and goes to Heaven. St. Peter says heaven is really
crowded now and if he wants to get in he must first answer 3 questions.
     "All right, that's fair. What's the first question?"
     St. Peter says, "How many days of the week contain a T?"
     The Irishman thinks a while and then says, "6".
     St. Peter says "Six. How do you get six?"
     The Irishman says "Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, yesterday, today, and
tomorrow."
     St. Peter says, "OK I'll let you have that one. But the next one is a
little bit harder. How many seconds are there in a year."
     The Irishman thins a bit more and then says "Twelve."
     St. Peter wants to know how he got that. "January 2nd, February 2nd,
March 2nd, etc."
     St. Peter says "OK I'll let you have that one too. But the last one is
really hard. What is God's first name.?"
     The Irishman thinks for a long time and finally says, "OK I think I've
got that one too. His first name is Andy."
     St. Peter is really perplexed at this one. He says to the Irishman,
"ANDY. How in the world did you get Andy."
     The Irishman says, "From the hymn. 'Andy walks with me , Andy talks
with me"
--------------------
2.  from Oracle
     Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.
     The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have
bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms
and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the
rest of her life."
     Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"
     The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."
--------------------
3.  from Oracle
     A guy goes to buy a train ticket, and the girl selling tickets has an
incredible set of jugs. He says, "Give me two pickets to Titsburgh...umm...I
mean, two tickets to Pittsburgh".  He's really embarrassed...
     The guy in line behind him says, "Relax, pal. We all make Freudian
slips like that. Just the other day at the breakfast table I meant to say to
my wife, `Please pass the sugar', but I accidentally said, `You fucking
bitch, you wrecked my life!"
--------------------
4.  from Giggles
     A priest was taking a shower at St. Mary Church and he realized that he
ran out of soap. He wanted to get some soaps across from the shower room but
he was too lazy to get dress so he ran across the room naked.  On his way
back, he saw three nuns approaching to his direction. To avoid from being
embarrassed, he posed as a statue holding two bars of soap on his hands.
     The three nuns approached to him and the first nuns asked " Gee ..I
wonder what this thing is ". " It's a soap vending machine", the second nun
replied. The first nun put a quarter up his ass and pulled the dong twice, a
bar of soap fell down. " It smells really nice ", the first nun said to the
second nun.
     The second nun put a quarter up his ass and pulled the dong twice,
another bar of soap fell down. " It gives a good lather ", the second nun
told the third nun.
     So the third nun put a quarter up his ass and pulled his dong twice but
nothing came down. She got frustrated and kept pulling it for 5 minutes.
Finally she yelled " Oh....it is Cream Soap ".

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 1997 11:15:12 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: You might be a Redneck if... pt2 (20-40 of 168)

YOU'RE PROBABLY A REDNECK IF ....................
21. You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the
    Bandit" was snubbed for best picture.
22. Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy size
    bottle of ketchup.
23. The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the front
    ones.
24. You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
25. You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
26. You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
27. The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking Institute".
28. Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
29. You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
30. Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black velvet.
31. You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
32. The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is "What the
    hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
33. You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major food
    groups.
34. You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
35. The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are
    "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?" (If they respond with the same...
    they're a redneck too!)
36. You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
37. Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an
    opening on the lube rack.
38. You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
39. You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of
    all time.
40. You've been too drunk to fish.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 1997 11:16:29 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: As Old As His Jokes

 Henny Youngman celebrated his 91st birthday Wednesday in New York. His
material's not getting any younger, either. The King of the One-Liners sat
down with his family, friends and a few reporters for lunch and a few
laughs to mark the milestone. It took only the slightest prodding for the
fragile Youngman to slip back into his tried and true routines. Henny, to
what can you attribute your longevity? "Breathing." How has New York
changed? "More pickpockets." Youngman's hands are a little shaky and he
sports two hearing aids, but he remembers all the jokes from all the nights
in all the clubs. He even unveiled some new material, distributing copies
of his "Last Last Will & Testament." "I am now leaving my body to Julia
Roberts -- if she can't wait she can have it now," it read.

Source: Houston Chronicle (c)

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 1997 18:34:34 +0100
From:    Jan Willem Frederikze <Oddball@DDS.NL>
Subject: Another prank

> From another Mark:

If you want to pull a prank on someone without causing permanent damage,
but looking as if you have...

Get a 250 liter (55 gallon or so) garbage can, or something pretty large.
Put it in an appropriate place. Fill it up with water. Drop in a block of
Dry Ice (about 25 Kilos or 50 pounds), or as much as you can muster up if
you can't get a full block. In the US, a block of Dry Ice is pretty
inexpensive. It will start bubbling furiously. Now, if you are in the US,
pour in a bottle of Dove dishwashing soap, if elsewhere, washing up liquid,
the sudsiest possible! It amazing how many bubbles can be produced by a
single bottle of dishwashing liquid!!! (If you are really in an obnoxious
mood, use 4 or 5 bottles of that bubble blowing soap - they last longer!)

We did a great prank on a friend once. He was an Elvis Impersonator, and
often did performances, and always drove a restored classic car, painted
pink, which was his pride-and-joy Elvis-mobile. We set up a plank on step
ladders over his car, placed a low, flat, wide water container on it,
filled it up, poured on the soap, dry ice and *pink* food coloring on his
lawn about 5AM. (we had to be very quiet about this!) About 45 minutes
later, a lady called him up anonymously, telling him that he car was being
eaten by aliens (We told her to say a h-u-g-e Blanc Mange, but
unfortunately, she couldn't without cracking up into laughter, so she used
aliens.) Of course he thought it was a prank call, but when he looked out
the window, all he saw was a H-U-G-E pink pile of bubbles swallowing up his
car! He nearly had a heart attack! ;-)

For the *mean spirited*, this works very will in a house. It will fill up a
room with bubbles! Caution as it will damage things that are prone to water
damage. Its nearly as good a trick as filling a house with popcorn, which
takes a lot of effort!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 1997 11:40:37 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: New Medical Knowledge

Medical science has determined that attitude influences susceptibility
to disease, especially infection by bacterial agents. People who, by
their nature, are cheerful and upbeat are less prone to illness than
are those who are consistently grumpy malcontents.  Thus, the surly
bird gets the germ.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 1997 09:43:17 -0800
From:    Ralph Walter Lewis <ralphwl@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Another off color joke (off to blacks)

Don't read further, if you are offended by racist jokes.
Really! No kidding...

What's black and white and goes rolling along the boardwalk?
A black and a pigeon fighting over a chicken wing.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 1997 14:04:29 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Fwd: HOOKED ON EBONICS slightly racist]

racist....adult language

If you are black and thin skinned please do not read this. I am not racist
I just have a very broad sense of humor. If you are PC I am happy for you,
I am not and will not be told what is or is not funny.

Leroy is a 20 year old 9th grader from Oakland, California.This is Leroy's
homework assignment.He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.

FORECLOSE: If I pay alimony this month,I'll have no mo' foreclose.
RECTUM: I had two cadillacs,but my old lady rectum.
HOTEL: I gave my girlfriend crabs and hotel everybody.
DISAPPOINTMENT: My parole officer told me if I miss dissappontment they gonna
                send me back to the big house.
PENIS: I went to the doctor and he handed me a cup and said penis.
ISREAL: Alonso tried to sell me a Rolex, I said man that looks fake. He said
bullshit that watch Isreal.
CATACOMB: Don King was at da fight the other night , man somebody oughta give
          dat catacomb.
UNDERMIND: There is a fine looking hoe living in the apartment undermind.
ACOUSTIC: When was 7, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the pool
          hall.
IRAQ: When we got to the pool hall, I told my uncle Iraq, you break.
STAIN:My mother-in-law stopped by and I asked her do ya plan on stain for
      dinner.
SELDOM:My cousin gave me two tickets to the Nick's game, I seldom.
HONOR: At the rape trial,the judge axed my homey who was honor first.
ODYSSEY: I told my brother you odyssey the tits on dat hoe down the street.
AXE: The policeman  wanted to axe me some question about the robbery.
TRIPOLI: I was gonna buy my old lady a bra for her birthday, but I couldn't
         find a tripoli.
FORTIFY: I axed the hoe how much? she said fortify.
INCOME: I just got into bed with de hoe and income my wife.
DISTRESS: Girl put on distress and let's  go, I be hungry.
DICTATE: The hoe said my dictate funny and I better go wash it.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 1997 14:18:25 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Super Computers

THINGS COMPUTERS CAN DO IN MOVIES

Word processors never display a cursor.

You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.

Movie characters never make typing mistakes.

All monitors display inch-high letters.

High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA or some such
governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical
interfaces.

Those that don't have graphical interfaces will have incredibly powerful
text-based command shells that can correctly understand and execute
commands typed in plain English.

Note: Command line interfaces will give you access to any information you
want by simply typing, "ACCESS THE SECRET FILES" on any near-by keyboard.

You can also infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing
"UPLOAD VIRUS". (See "Fortress".)

All computers are connected. You can access the information on the
villain's desktop computer even if it's turned off.

Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or the screen changes.
Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't
go faster than you can read. (Really advanced computers will also emulate
the sound of a dot-matrix printer.)

All computer panels have operate on thousands of volts and have explosive
devices underneath their surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright
flash of light, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks and an explosion that
causes you to jump backwards.

People typing on a computer can safely turn it off without saving the
data.

A hacker is always able to break into the most sensitive computer in the
world by guessing the secret password in two tries.

You may bypass "PERMISSION DENIED" message by using the "OVERRIDE"
function. (See "Demolition Man".)

Computers only take 2 seconds to boot up instead of the average 2 minutes
for desktop PCs and 30 minutes or more for larger systems that can run 24
hours, 365 days a year without a reset.

Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be
accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to
transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.

When the power plant/missile site/main computer overheats, all control
panels will explode shortly before the entire building will.

If you display a file on the screen and someone deletes the file, it also
disappears from the screen (See "Clear and Present Danger").

If a disk contains encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a
password when you insert it.

Computers can interface with any other computer regardless of the
manufacturer or galaxy where it originated. (See "Independence Day".)

Computer disks will work on any computer has a floppy drive and all
software is usable on any platforms.

The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it will have. (See
"Aliens".)

Note: You must be highly trained to operate high-tech computers because
the buttons have no labels except for the "SELF-DESTRUCT" button.

Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying
three-dimensional active animation, photo-realistic graphics capabilities.

Laptops always have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and
performance similar to a CRAY Supercomputer.

Whenever a character looks at a monitor, the image is so bright that it
projects itself onto their face. (See "Alien" or "2001".)

Searches on the internet will always return what you are looking for no
matter how vague your keywords are. (See "Mission Impossible", Tom Cruise
searches with keywords like "file" and "computer" and 3 results are
returned.)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Mar 1997 00:30:00 PST
From:    They call me June Buggy <JD@THEPENTAGON.COM>
Subject: Its the way you think <suggestive>

I got this one as a chain letter (how much I hate those) from Al
<ali@thepentagon.com>, a friend of mine so all credit goes to him.

Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his
teacher picked him to answer a question.
"Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one
with your gun, how many would be left ?"   "None.",replied Johnny.
"'cause the rest would fly away."
"Well, the answer is four," said the teacher.  "But I like the way
you are thinking."
Little Johnny said, "I have a question for you now.  If there were
three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one licking her cone, the
second biting her cone, and the third one sucking her cone, which one is
married?" "Well," said the teacher neverously, "I guess the one sucking the
cone?"
"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her
finger. But I like the way you are thinking.

Another day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now
class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and
you tell what fruit I'm talking about."
"Okay, first:  it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised
his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who
promptly answered "An apple."
"No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking.  Now for the
second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.  Well, Johnny is
hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him.  But
she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?"
"No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato.  But I like your thinking.
Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically.
The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says.
"No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking.."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've
got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it:
it's round, hard, and it got a head on it."
"Johnny!" she cries.  "That's disgusting!"
"Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 1997 15:55:01 EST
From:    Scott E Patrick <scottpatrick@JUNO.COM>
Subject: News Item: Clean - Attention Fans of British Comedies

	[Post deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Mar 1997 16:57:29 CST6CDT5,M4.1.0,M10.5.0
From:    Bob Terry <raterry@SAUMAG.EDU>
Subject: practical jokes

        Yes, in college (don't tell my students), I participated in
practical jokes.  I helped stuff another student's room full of wadded
up newspapers.  I put a possum in another room.  I helped move a
fellow's belongings into an empty room, after which we all chided the
"goat" for forgetting which room was his.  I messed up a pre-ministerial
student's bed and left a lacy bra and panties and a condom with some
Wildroot Cream-oil in it.  Once when we were up at 2:00am, we reset an
early riser's alarm clock, then showered noisily and pretended to dress.
He got out of bed groggily showered and dressed like us; then, when he
left for breakfast, we all went to bed . . . but we couldn't sleep until
he came back, angry that the dining hall wasn't open.

        But my favorite to participate in was the switching of two
campus markers.  During orientation weeks, freshmen met in the gym each
Monday and took a test over the campus trivia they'd been assigned the
previous week.  So in the wee hours of a Tuesday, after the freshmen had
been asked to learn where Antonio's Tree was, three of us took a shovel,
dug up the granite marker and switched it with the marker at the DAR Oak.
The switch went undiscovered for several days, because upper classmen
never looked at the markers themselves, and they expected the freshmen to
find the landmarks without help.

        There were three pranks we planned but never executed.  In that
little town, they rolled up the sidewalks at 9:00; the only thing open
late was the picture show.  One friend had a starter's pistol and some
blank ammo.  We planned it for when the movie was over at about 10:30.
As the crowd would be leaving, one of us was to approach the lighted area
under the marquee from each direction.  The one without the pistol would
start shouting, "No! no! no!" and turn to run, at which time the other
would fire and the fleer would fall.  Then a car would whip around the
corner, the "body" would be thrown in, and all would speed off, leaving
the crowd to report the "murder" to the police.

        The science building had a vertical sundial mounted over the
main entrance, facing south.  In a day when Disney watches were popular,
we were going to cover it with a picture of Mickey, but just never got
around to it.

        Another that also never came to fruition was in '57, when
Governor Orval Faubus had closed the four high schools in Little Rock
to prevent de-segregation.  According to a big picture in the paper,
he had ordered a big sign for each high school: "Closed by order of the
Federal Goverment" (yes--ironically those "defenders" of education had
misspelled _government_).  Since we were only some 30 miles away, we
decided to go over at night, steal the signs, and put one at each
entrance to our college.  That one went a-glimmering when we learned that
there were armed guards all night at each school.

        There were contemporary pranks in which I didn't participate
. . . but wished I had.  One was setting off an army surplus smoke bomb
in a dorm; that one could have turned tragic, when a boy on crutches
felt trapped and contemplated jumping from his third-floor window.

        Another was spiking the punch at a dorm open house at that
small church college.  Nobody could admit he knew what liquor tasted
like, so nobody said anything until a pretty young faculty member--who
lacked the sophistication to keep quiet--cried: "Wow!  This stuff is
loaded!"

        Another was borrowing a farmer's livestock long enough to put a
cow on the top floor of Old Main.  My history professor told us about it
in class next morning, saying the culprits led Bossy down the stairs
into the basement, then up the inside stairs.  I asked how he knew the
route taken, and he said, "The evidence was rather conclusive," as the
class roared at my naivete.

        Some fellows supposedly went out a dorm window onto a narrow
ledge and into an adjacent room.  There they hung the bed frame out the
window by a rope, tied the other end to the door knob, removed the hinge
pins, and exited as they had entered.  Even without the pins, the hinges
held the door in place till the occupant of the room returned, inserted
his key, turned the handle, and watched his door fly across his room and
out the double window, taking the window frame with it.  The perpetrators
said the look on his face was worth the cost of the repairs.


        The following switch on the old Ex-lax brownies stunt allegedly
happened at my school, but I doubt it.  Supposedly the "goat" was a
nuisance who visited dorm neighbors every night, drank their coffee, and
blathered boringly.  So they put phenolthalene in the coffee.  The next
morning, the goat peed pinkish orange and went to the doctor.  The doctor
couldn't find the problem but advised him to go to bed earlier, having the
effect of giving his dorm neighbors the peace they sought.  After the
scare wore off, he reverted to his old habits and they had to give him
another dose, so he went to bed early for the rest of the term.

        Finally, two pranks I only heard about, which supposedly
happened at other schools: the Volkswagon Beetle that was disassembled
and reassembled in the owner's room; and the mule that was led into an
upstairs dorm room at the beginning of Christmas break and was then shot.  By the time school re-started in January,
he supposedly was not only fragrant, but rigor mortis had set in,
and he had to be butchered to be removed.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Mar 1997 to 21 Mar 1997
************************************************
