HUMOR Digest - 18 Mar 1997 to 19 Mar 1997
There are 18 messages totalling 854 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. more urinal humor
  2. What Men Really Mean (2 of 2) < off. to men >
  3. Pranks (part 4/5)
  4. Another Mafioso Q & A  <clean>
  5. Welfare Application Goofs (clean)
  6. Star Trek with Dilbert Mgmt
  7. I want some Gauddam Fish for dinner!
  8. <No subject given>
  9. Roadside assistance <adult
 10. A Letter From Barbie (not off)
 11. The Car Dealer and the Detective <CLEAN>
 12. It's A Wacky World
 13. A letter to dad
 14. The Plan <reference to poop>
 15. Bad/Good News <Adult, f-word>
 16. Babe Talk <clean>
 17. Comparison  (May be offensive to Fat People)
 18. Merry Christmas! (off. to some medical researchers and reporters,
     murderers, etc.)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 02:24:44 -0500
From:    big mike <bigmike@ILINKS.NET>
Subject: more urinal humor

i really enjoyed the restroom quiz, but it is not the highest offense.
there are definitely worse places to touch at a urinal.

another thing that i have noticed involving urinals: there are very
different levels of urinal privacy.  there are sets of urinals that are so
close together that you almost have to touch if you are standing next to
someone, and then there are urinals which are practically in their own
stalls, with privacy partitions not unlike the ones put up between the
contestants during final jeopardy so they don't peek at each others'
answers.
interestingly, at the english building here at the university of georgia,
there is at least one bathroom that has two sets of doors.  if you were to
be using the urinal while both were open (a possibility) anyone in the hall
could see you...not even a hint of a privacy partition.  however, in the
brand new physical activities center locker room's urinals, there are the
most private partitions i have ever seen -- and they're located in a locker
room...you have to walk through a roomful of men changing clothes to use
them.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 03:10:06 -0500
From:    Michelle Montee <MichMontee@AOL.COM>
Subject: What Men Really Mean (2 of 2) < off. to men >

WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN (2 of 2)

"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."  Really means....  "And I sure
hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I can't find it."  Really means....  "It didn't fall into my outstretched
hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"What did I do this time?"  Really means....  "What did you catch me at?"

"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"  Really means....  "You just bought
new clothes 3 years ago."

"She's one of those rabid feminists."  Really means....  "She refused to make
my coffee."

"But I hate to go shopping."  Really means....  "Because I always wind up
outside the dressing room holding your purse."

"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."  Really means....  "You may actually
get it to start."

"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."  Really means....  "I
am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest
pounding, mouth breathing, pre-evolutionary companions."

"I heard you."  Really means....  "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just
said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you
don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."

"You know I could never love anyone else."  Really means....  "I am used to
the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"You look terrific."  Really means....  "Oh, God, please don't try on one
more outfit.  I'm starving."

"I brought you a present."  Really means....  "It was free ice scraper night
at the ball game."

"I missed you."  Really means....  "I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are
hungry and we are out of toilet paper."

"I'm not lost.  I know exactly where we are."  Really means....  "No one will
ever see us alive again."

"We share the housework."  Really means....  "I make the messes, she cleans
them up."

"This relationship is getting too serious."  Really means....  "I like you
more than my truck."

"I recycle."  Really means....  "We could pay the rent with the money from my
empties."

"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."  Really means....  "Oh,
man, what have you done to yourself?"

"It sure snowed last night."  Really means....  "I suppose you're going to
nag me about shoveling the walk now."

"It's good beer."  Really means....  "It was on sale."

"I don't need to read the instructions."  Really means....  "I am perfectly
capable of screwing it up without printed help."

"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."  Really means....  "If I wait long
enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."

"I broke up with her."  Really means....  "She dumped me."

"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."  Really means....  "Someplace that
doesn't have a drive-thru window."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 09:41:33 +0100
From:    Jan Willem Frederikze <Oddball@DDS.NL>
Subject: Pranks (part 4/5)

> From my friend Mark:

I think I have one of these books. It is by George Heyduke (Hayduke?). When
I read it, I was practically overcome with mirth. Some of the things he
suggests are hilarious! It says right in the book that it is written for
entertainment purposes only, and not to try any of the ideas, so I guess he
has his behind covered. Some of the better ideas that I remember are:

"Time bombs." This is the phrase he uses to describe chicken parts. Easily
gotten at any supermarket, they are innocent little items that can be
carried almost anywhere (in a baggie, if necessary). But when stashed in an
out-of-the-way place, like under furniture cushions in the house or under
car seats or in the trunk in a car, and given a little time, YOW! Watch out
for the smell! Gotten ripped off by a used-car dealer? Wait awhile, then
take some test drives in some other cars. With a few strategically placed
"bombs" in a car with the windows closed in the hot sun... use your
imagination. Getting evicted? Remove some outlet covers or switch covers
and stuff some of these babies down inside the wall. They'll be impossible
to find, and won't start to smell until after you're long gone.

Set your victim against a third party, or against another victim. Let other
people do your dirty work for you. Here's an example: Call up the electric
or gas company and impersonate your victim. Request that service be
terminated for a week or two (going on vacation, or whatever). As soon as
that happens, call your victim. Impersonate an officer of the gas/electric
company, and be very nasty and abusive, saying that service has been
discontinued because of non-payment of bills. This should rile up your
victim, assuming that he HAS paid his bill and knows it. At any rate, tell
him he must come down to the office immediately to discuss the problem or
you will send the police to his house to collect, or something like that.
        Then, once you have him mad, and know he is going to the
gas/electric company, call up that company. Impersonate your victim. Be
very nasty, and try to get into an argument with a supervisor. Wind up the
conversation by saying that you are coming down there right now with a gun,
and you are going to kill somebody. Then hang up.

***

During winter time in any part of the country where it gets really cold,
take your victims mattress, soak in water until it has reached it's
saturation level, then hang it outside until it freezes solid. Once solid,
replace on the victim's bed and make the bed up to look like normal. Boy,
will they be surprised when they go to bed.

***

Next time when you are having dinner, keep an empty jug of water on the
table. When somebody asks you to pass the jug, pretend while picking it up
that it is full of water and heavy. Keep the jug on the table near the
victim. The victim will apply what he/she considers is appropriate strength
needed to pick up the jug. This will cause the jug to jerk up to a
significant height. The sight is very funny and so is the victim's face.

***

If you can get into your victim's house, staple the sides of many paper
cups together so that they are in a ring or matrix configuration (anything
too large to drag out the door), and fill them all with water.

***

This only really works with friends (preferably the trusting type). Get the
victim to your house, then talk (or do whatever you normally do together)
for a while. Then mention an interesting effect you read about recently and
wanted to show him/her. Fill a glass (preferably a short, squat glass) with
water, and have a baseball bat or a similar long, cylindrical object handy.
Stand on a chair with the glass, and press the mouth of the glass against
the ceiling. Have your friend/victim press the bat/whatever against the
bottom of the glass hard enough so that the pressure will hold the glass to
the ceiling. The theory is that if you keep the glass against the ceiling
long enough, it will adhere to the ceiling without the bat holding it up.
Then put the chair back, and tell your friend that it'll take about five
minutes or so for the bond to form. Take turns holding the glass up with
the bat to avert suspicion. When the victim is "on duty" once again,
casually mention that you have a few things to do. Put your jacket on and
leave the house. (Of course, you're going to come back, aren't you? You
just wanted to see the look on his face, right?) If you can get this to
work (which you can, if you are convincing and the victim is gullible),
it's a marvelous joke. I pulled this on my roommate - but there was one
small problem - when I left our room, the door was locked and I had
forgotten my keys. My other roommate showed up in about ten minutes, but it
was not a happy scene...

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 12:00:52 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Another Mafioso Q & A  <clean>

Q. How do you recognize a surrealistic Mafioso?
A. Carries a giraffe in his violin case and make you an offer that
   uses biomorphic forms and accidental effects that approach
   abstraction,  to compensate for the sociopolitical and religious forces
   that are found so oppressive and stultifying in contemporary society.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 13:45:19 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Welfare Application Goofs (clean)

SENTENCES TAKEN FROM ACTUAL LETTERS RECEIVED BY THE TORONTO WELFARE
DEPARTMENT FROM APPLICATIONS FOR AID AND ASSISTANCE.
---------------
     I am forwarding my marriage certificate and six children.  I have seven
but one died and was baptized on half sheet of paper.
     I am writing to the Welfare Department to say that my baby was born two
years old.  When do I get my money?
     Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for a year and has been visited
regularly by the clergy.
     I cannot get sick pay.  I have six children, can you tell me why?
     I am glad to report that my husband who was reported missing is dead.
     This is my eighth child, what are you going to do about it?
     Please find for certain if my husband is dead, the man I am living with
can't eat or do anything until he finds out.
     I am very annoyed that you have branded my son illiterate, as this is a
lie.  I was married to his father a week before he was born.
     In answer to your letter I have given birth to a boy weighing ten lbs.
I hope this is satisfactory.
     I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my three children, one of
which was a mistake as you can see.
     My husband had his project cut off two weeks ago, and I haven't had any
relief since.
     Unless I get my money soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
     You have changed my little boy to a little girl.  Will this make any
difference?
     I haven't had children as yet as my husband is a bus driver and works
day and night.
     In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in
the enclosed envelope.
     I want money as quick as I can get it.  I have been in bed with the
doctor for two weeks and this doesn't seem to do me any good.  If things
don't improve I will be forced to send for another doctor.
     It is true I am a bachelor and have deducted for two children.  But
please believe me when I say it was an accident.
     Please excuse the condition of my messy form.  I really should have
been more careful.
     I am a vermin destroyer but have not earned anything for some months.
I shall be glad to call on you at your convenience.
     Please send me a claim form as I have had a baby.  I had one before but
it got dirty and I burned it.
     I cannot pay the full amount at the moment as my husband is in
hospital.  As soon as I can I will send on the remains.
     Please correct this assessment.  I have not worked for the past three
months as I have broken my leg.  Hoping you will do the same....
----------
courtesy of the Comedy List...

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 09:23:34 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Star Trek with Dilbert Mgmt

     What the 24th century would be like under today's management
techniques.

     After the crew is told they are now Empowered, Dr. Crusher
begins doing medical experiments on unsuspecting enlisted personnel
while Worf slaughters everyone he considers "weak".

     Data fails an ISO9000 audit because the construction of his
positronic brain isn't properly documented. He curses Dr. Suhn's
record keeping as he's stripped for parts.

     All members of the ship's maintenance crew are required to be
involved in Quality Circles. The loss of productive work time causes
them to cut back on scheduled repairs, resulting in a warp core
breach that kills everyone.

     Commander Riker is fired after a round of "right sizing". Star
Fleet decided that it didn't really need someone to seduce alien
females and smirk a lot.

     As part of the new Dignity Enhancement program, Piccard is
forced to allow Troi to wear uniforms that cover her breasts.

     Star Fleet decides to adopt the Borg "Team Building" methods
and requires all newborn babies to be implanted with computer
interface devices. As a bonus this cuts down on carpal tunnel
disability claims.

     The Enterprise finds that it can no longer communicate with
Star Fleet Command because they're still running an old version
of Windows and can't get budget approval for the upgrade.

     As part of a cycle time reduction plan, the crew is ordered
to cut the time necessary to encounter and escape from new life
forms from once a week to 5 days a week. A re-use program is
introduced under the nickname RERUNS (Reap Earnings and Royalties
Using No-longer-produced Shows).

     Piccard is ordered to go to diversity sensitivity training
after system logs indicate that he has repeatedly disparaged the
Ferengis, the Q, and the Romulans.

     A ship-wide reorganization results in Worf becoming the ship's
counsellor, Dr. Crusher taking over the engine room, Deanna managing
weapons, Data running sick bay and Geordi at the helm. They were
conquered by a Klingon freighter 15 minutes later.

     The crew mutinies when they are given their annual performance
reviews and find that, despite saving the universe numerous times,
they're still only getting 3% raises.

(don't know the original author)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 12:38:43 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: I want some Gauddam Fish for dinner!

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge, strange looking fish.
A man was walking by and said, "WOW!! What a nice Gauddam Fish!"  The
sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't use God's name in vain."  The man said,
"But that's the SPECIES of the fish --- a Gauddam Fish."  The sister
said, "Oh, ok."

The Sister took the fish back home and said, "Mother Superior, look at
the Gauddam Fish I caught."  Shocked, the Mother Superior said,
"Sister, you know better than that."  The nun said, "That's the species
of  it --- a Gauddam Fish."  So the Mother Superior said, "Well, give me
the  Gauddam Fish and I'll clean it."

While she was cleaning the fish, Monsignor walked in and Mother Superior
said, "Monsignor, look at the Gauddam Fish that the sister  caught."
Nearly fainting, Monsignor said, "Mother Superior, you shouldn"t
talk like that!"  Mother Superior said, "But that's the species of it --
a Gauddam Fish."  Monsignor said, "Well give me the Gauddam Fish and
I'll  cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he
said, "Wow, what a nice fish."  In reply, the sister said, "Thank-you, I
caught the Gauddam Fish." And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the
Gauddam Fish." And Monsignor said, "I cooked the Gauddam Fish."

The priest looked around in disbelief, quite shocked, and said...
"I LIKE THIS FUCKING PLACE ALREADY!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 11:53:13 -0800
From:    "Michael J. Irvin" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: <No subject given>

Top 10 Ways Microsoft Would Change The Auto Business

10. New seats would require everyone to have the same butt size.

9.  We would all have to switch to Microsoft Gas.

8.  The U.S. government would be forced to rebuild all of the roads for
    Microsoft cars; they will drive on the old roads, but they run very slowly.

7.  The oil, alternator, gas and engine warning lights would be replaced by
    a single 'General Car Fault' warning light.

6.  Sun MotorSystems would make a car that was solar-powered, twice as
    reliable and five times as fast, but would run on only 5% of the roads.

5.  You would be constantly pressured to upgrade your car.

4.  You could have only one person in the car at a time, unless you bought a
    Car95 or CarNT -- but then you would have to buy ten more seats and a new
    engine.

3.  Occasionally, your car would die for NO apparent reason and you would
    have to restart it.  Strangely, you would just accept this as normal.

2.  Every time the lines of the road were repainted, you would have to buy a
    new car.

1.  People would get excited about the new features of the latest Microsoft
    cars, forgetting that these same features had been available from other car
    makers for years!

Attribution: According to one source <Thomas Head (thomash@blue.misnet.com)>
this list was originally published in either the "Autoweek" or "Car and Driver"
magazine.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 17:24:02 -0500
From:    Ross Stocks <ROSS.STOCKS.PSD36651@NT.COM>
Subject: Roadside assistance <adult

OFFICE MEMO         Roadside assistance <adult theme> 
Date:  3/18/97

Jim's joke reminded me of this oldy but goody (and
damn sure hopefully not a repeat):

On one particularly cold day, a fellow was driving
down the road and happened upon a lady motorist in
distress.  He stopped to help and found that she had
a flat tire.  He said he could help and set about changing
the tire.  His gloves were too bulky for the work so he
had to remove them.  The temperature being what it
was, it wasn't long before his hands had lost all feeling.
He decided he had to take a break and climbed into the
car with the lady explaining that he had to warm up his
hands a bit.  Obligingly she reached over and took his hands
and jammed them up between her legs under her skirt.
Some time later, and somewhat reluctantly he said he
thought he could return to the tire changing.  It wasn't
long though, before he felt the irresistable urge to
again warm his hands.  As hoped, the lady repeated her
earlier act of kindness.  The fellow returned to the
tire and once again could not resist the urge to warm
his hands.  He got back into the car, but this time she
stopped him and asked, "Aren't your ears getting a bit
cold?"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 14:43:25 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <JBRENTS@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: A Letter From Barbie (not off)

Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA

Dear Sir,

Listen you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at
being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in
frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties,
and I hate to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!  There had better be some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a
nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
   sweatshirt.  I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller
   are these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it
   feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably
   white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
   underwear to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over
   that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken.  And what's with that
   earring anyway?  If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least
   make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
   Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to
   twist, just get it done.

6. A sports bra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How   =
  about a systems analyst?  Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
   miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a
   bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
   outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking
   Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with
   several packs of gum.

9.  No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Mr CEO, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to
society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
Christmas.  It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA


Found in the Gazette.

Submitted by: Jennifer M. Wiggins @ calpoly.edu
(Doesn't she know the CEO, Jill Barad (sp?) is female?--makes it even worse!)--BWH

Barbara Weeks Huntington
Director SDSU Preprofessional Health Advising Office
San Diego State University
San Diego, CA  92182-4615 

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 17:41:01 EST
From:    Tim J Orsello <shaq3434@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Car Dealer and the Detective <CLEAN>

Q:      What did the car dealer say to the detective?
A:      I think I'm " Honda " something.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 16:53:00 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

                 Artist Takes Absurdity To New Heights

 From Correspondent Rusty Dornin

 SAN FRANCISCO (CNN) (c) -- Look! Up in the sky! It's a table! It's a chair!

 It's furniture in positions that shouldn't be possible -- 23 pieces stuck
to the side of an abandoned building by an artist who's willing to go out
on a ledge.

 "I wanted to get art out of the gallery and out of the museum," said the
creator, Brian Goggin. "I'm interested in working with absurdity in ways
that are compelling and entertaining."

 Entertaining, to say the least, for the opening of urban art in what can
only be described as the urban circus.

 "Kind of Disneyesque or, uh, Dali," said one eyewitness. "It's definitely
rocking right here man, with the furniture and everything."

 Sitting on a couch that looks as if it's perched on the roof in mid-air,
Goggin explains his brainchild.

 "Each piece of furniture like the one I'm sitting on has a steel framework
that works inside of the piece and is attached to the side of the building
with wood and steel separating it," he said. "So if some piece of the
building falls in an earthquake, the (art) piece will still stay here."

 Surreal, bizarre celebration

 "It's surreal," said one girl, looking up in awe. "It's bizarre," added
another onlooker.

 Who paid for this furniture arrangement in the sky? A series of grants,
including one from the National Endowment for the Arts.

 Why, you may ask? For some, the answers are obvious.

 "It's just a celebration," said one man. "It's just art. It doesn't mean
anything."

 Said another: "Everybody here is a freak. In this city everybody has their
own liberal way of doing things. This is just expressing it up front."

 And a third: "Everybody else is just putting a bunch of paintings on the
wall and charging a bunch of money for it. This guy came out here and gave
a free art show."

 In fact, this furniture extravaganza is a free art show without a closing
date.

 "It's going to be up as long as the landlords let me keep it up," said Goggin.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 16:58:47 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: A letter to dad

Dear Dad,

        Thanks for the money to begin the second semester with.  The only
trouble is, I graduated yesterday.  I know it's sort of a surprise, with me
being an entering freshman only several months ago.  It was sort of a
surprise to me too.
        I went to register yesterday and when they gave me my IBM cards
they said I had enough credit hours to graduate and sent me to the Dean to
get my diploma.  The only thing I can think of is that when I stepped on my
cards with my golf shoes last fall they got messed up. Anyway, I was given
a 8-553-22 today.  A diploma.  I went to see the Dean and he said not to
tell him his machines were wrong, with 56,000 students in them.
        Anyway, I got a B. A. in philosophy.  I don't know if I should stay
in chemistry now or not.  What do you think?  I know you were quite
interested in me working in the drug store, but I don't know what to do. I
tried to re-enter as a second quarter freshman but they said they wouldn't
take graduates.  I tried to get into graduate school, but they needed
references from five undergraduate teachers and I only had three.
        Last night I started to call, but I didn't want to worry you about
it, since I'm a graduate now and should be able to take care of myself.  So
today I went down to the Army place.  They're looking for college graduates
to be officers.  I did OK on the tests, so I guess I'll go in there for a
while.  I seem to fit in pretty well.  They said they'd teach me some
philosophy.  I brought a book with me.
        I hope everything's fine at the drug store.

Sincerely,
Johnny

p.s.  Tell mom not to send those cookies.  Tell her that her child is
"watching over the country."

____________________________________________

http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 18:54:52 -0500
From:    Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Plan <reference to poop>

This is from Scott Anderson's Humor List:

THE PLAN

In the Beginning was the plan.
And then came the assumptions.
And the assumptions were without form.
And the plan was completely without substance.
And the darkness was upon the face of the workers. And they spoke
among themselves saying: "It is a crock of sh_t, and it stinketh."

And the workers went unto their supervisors, and sayeth:
"It is a pail of dung, and none can abide the odor Thereof"

And the supervisors went unto their managers and sayeth unto
them, "It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong,
Such that none can abide it."

And the managers went unto the directors and sayeth, "It is a
vessel of fertilizer, and none can abide its strength." And the
directors spoke amongst themselves, saying one to another: "It
contains that which aids plant growth, and is very strong."

And the directors went unto the vice presidents and sayeth
to them, "It promotes growth, and is very powerful."

And the vice presidents went unto the president, and sayeth
unto him, "This new plan will actively promote growth and
efficiency of this company, and certain areas in particular."

And the president looked upon the plan, and saw that it was good.
And the plan became policy.
And this is how sh_t happens.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 19:43:14 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Bad/Good News <Adult, f-word>

A doctor spoke to his patient in his office.  The doctor said "Well, I've got
some bad news and some good news."  Of course, the guy wanted to hear the bad
news first (don't they always).  The doctor bluntly said, "You've got about
48 hours to live."

The man was devistated, "Oh my god, this is horrible, what am I going to do?"
 Then in the midst of his grief and sorrow, he remembered that there was good
news, too.  "Doc, is there a cure or something?"

"Cure, of course not, otherwise I wouldn't have told you that you only have
48 hours left.  No, I'm sorry, there's no cure or treatment."

"But I thought you said there was good news." said the patient

"Oh yeah.  Remember when  you came in, the beautiful nurse?"  Asked the
doctor.

"Yeah," the puzzled patient said.

"The blonde one with the tight white uniform.."

"Yeah," the patient agrees.

"The one with the beautiful breasts bulging out of that uniform..."

"Yeahhhhh," the patient remembers and is starting to cheer up.

"Well," the doctor leans close to confide, "I'm fucking her."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 18:20:38 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Babe Talk <clean>

     It was little Michael's first visit to the
  country, and feeding the chickens fascinated
  him.
     Early one morning he caught his first
  glimpse of peacock strutting in the yard.
  Rushing indoors excitedly, Michael sought his
  grandmother.
     "Oh, Granny," he exclaimed, "one of  the
  chickens is in bloom!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 21:30:53 -0500
From:    David Burns <HumorBurns@AOL.COM>
Subject: Comparison  (May be offensive to Fat People)

Q:  What do a moped and a fat woman have in common?

A:  They're both fun to ride until your friends see you!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 22:36:43 EST
From:    Bo Peng <bpeng@LEHMAN.COM>
Subject: Merry Christmas! (off. to some medical researchers and reporters,
         murderers, etc.)

December 23, 2000, Associated Press, London -- As a Christmas gift for the
human kind for the last Christmas of the millenium, the latest issue of
New England Journal of Medicine published a paper that identifies a new
decease, SICKO.

SICKO stands for Syndrome of Involuntary Knife Operation, the unfortunate
tendency to continuously thrusting knives into other's body. After the
identification of CBS (Compulsive Bombing Syndrome) earlier this year, this
marks the completion of identifying all anti-social behavior, most of which
previously known as criminal behavior, as genetic defects.

SICKO is due to a slight anomaly in the third order configuration of the
DNA superhelix in one of the genes, according to the researchers at Harvard,
who conducted the study leading to the landmark discovery. "Even the
theoretical possibility of a cure is very slim," said Prof. Lerner, the
leading author of the paper.

"But it is absolutely marvelous realizing that such a small variation in
the DNA structure can have such profound implications in human behavior,"
Prof. Lerner quickly added, eyes gleaing with excitement.

The study has won instant, unreserved welcome from numerous "Hackers
Anonymous" support groups around the world.

With tears in the eyes, a 16 year-old male, member of a community "Hackers
Anonymous" group in LA, described the hopelessness he felt as he stabbed
a 67 year-old lady 39 times with her kitchen knife, after breaking into
her house. "Watching blood gushing out of the poor lady," he recalled,
"I was (desperately crying for help)."

"I (always) knew (something was wrong with me but (nobody would listen). I
couldn't (get any help). Now (I expect) people will (lend) me (sympathetic
and helping hands)!" He added as his tortued face began to lighten up.

Not everybody is happy about the discovery, however. "Oh great!" a prisoner
threw up his hands when told the news, who shall remain anonymous for the
protection of his privacy, "now this place is going to be really boring! Am
I supposed to spend the rest of my time here alone?" He told the reporter
that he will be preparing to sue the State for inhumane and unusual
punishment, asking for $10 million for psychological suffering or 10 inmates
for companionship.

When the reporter visited the prisoner two days later, he said he had received
calls from more than 50 lawyers, all advising him to take the first choice.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Mar 1997 to 19 Mar 1997
************************************************
