HUMOR Digest - 17 Mar 1997 to 18 Mar 1997 - Special issue
There are 22 messages totalling 1017 lines in this issue.

Topics in this special issue:

  1. Poem <off to old people..maybe>
  2. Roullette (may be offensive to africans)
  3. Headline Faux Pas (clean)
  4. Pranks (part 3/5)
  5. Humor: Steve Wright one liners
  6. Rich Italian(Poss off to Italians)
  7. Racist Joke
  8. Irish humor <poss off to Irish>
  9. But is the toilet Microsoft Windows (TM) compatible?
 10. Garrison Keillor Calls for Jokes
 11. Chili Cookoff Contest
 12. Top5 - 3/17/97 - St. Patrick's Day Toasts (fwd)
 13. Mary had a little clone(not off)
 14. Deaf and Dumb
 15. WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN (1 of 2) <off. to men>
 16. School humor (Offensive to Religious types)
 17. Putdown in 3 words <inoffensive>
 18. Name pun (surely not offensive even to the Spanish)
 19. Skiing
 20. Presidential humor
 21. <HUMOR> Newfoundlander jokes
 22. Restroom Quiz <adult>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 01:06:29 -0600
From:    Joe <joe@IONET.NET>
Subject: Poem <off to old people..maybe>

I saw this poem on a wall at work...  Author unknown....
 
  The Golden Years

I cannot see
I cannot pee
I cannot chew
I cannot screw

My hearing stinks
memory shrinks
No sense of smell
I look like hell

The golden years
Have come at last
The golden years
CAN KISS MY ASS!!!

-----------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 10:52:29 +0200
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Roullette (may be offensive to africans)

You surely know what a Russian Roullette is - a 6 place gun barrel with a
single bullet in it. The problem is that you can never know where the
bullet is when you shoot it at your head.

So...

Q: What's an African roullete?

A: That's 6 African women that give you blow jobs and one is a cannibal.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 11:23:35 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Headline Faux Pas (clean)

Brad Smith of Baltimore, MD, <bjsmith@juno.com> wrote to me claiming that he originally wrote the "Leper/Baseball" joke.  My sincerest apologies go out to him for failing to give credit, as there was no header or trailer attached to my copy.
-------
Now, for some rather funny real headlines:

Times when an editor was definitely needed:
Some are just slips of the tongue
    Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
    Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing
    Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers
    House passes gas tax onto senate
    Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
    Quarter of a million Chinese live on water
    Farmer bill dies in house
    Iraqi head seeks arms

Grammar often botches other headlines
    Eye drops off shelf
    Squad helps dog bite victim
    Dealers will hear car talk at noon
    Enraged cow injures farmer with ax
    Lawmen from Mexico barbecue guests
    Miners refuse to work after death
    Two Soviet ships collide--one dies
    Two sisters reunite after eighteen years at checkout counter

Once in a while, a botched headline takes on a meaning opposite from the one
intended:
    Nicaragua sets goal to wipe out literacy
    Drunk drivers paid $1,000 in 1984
    Autos killing 110 a day, let's resolve to do better

Sometimes newspaper editors state the obvious
    If strike isn't settled quickly it may last a while
    War dims hope for peace
    Smokers are productive, but death cuts efficiency
    Cold wave linked to temperatures
    Child's death ruins couple's holiday
    Blind woman gets new kidney from dad she hasn't seen in years
    Man is fatally slain
    Something went wrong in jet crash, experts say
    Death causes loneliness, feeling of isolation

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 13:30:58 +0100
From:    Jan Willem Frederikze <Oddball@DDS.NL>
Subject: Pranks (part 3/5)

> From my friend Mark:

This one happened impromptu. A group of us were novice UNIX hacks working
for our department of computer science, all on similar terminals. I had
written a small program that would transmit a single character at a time to
another terminal (No big deal, but no one else had tried it). One guy was
typing away, and I was making his cursor "wiggle" by pressing the forward
and reverse arrow keys. He exclaimed that something was wrong with his
cursor. Another guy picked up on this, and explained that the cursor beam
must be loose. He gave the right side of the first guy's (John's) terminal
a good hard whack, I transmitted a carriage return. John laughed, but
actually sat there typing in (some text), and whacking the side of the
terminal every time he needed a carriage return, FOR SEVERAL MINUTES.
Needless to say, we were hysterical.
        The second guy, (Tim), said "John, watch this!" and put his hand
under John's desk and gave the underside of the desk another whack: I
transmitted a "HOME" character, moving the cursor to the top of the screen,
again as if the whack had moved the cursor. John continues typing, whacking
the bottom and side of the terminal whenever he needs cursor motion. Tim
smacks the top of the terminal and I transmit a CLEAR key: it looked as if
the characters have been "knocked" off the screen. John is just about the
get the lab manager when we clue him in.

***

I also have heard of a practical joke that can be done to a person while
he/she is sleeping. If the person's hand is dipped in warm water, this
causes a subconscious relaxation of the bladder and causes the person to
wet his/her bed. I have never tried this, nor have I seen it tried, but
I've heard it from quite a few people. Has anyone out there ever tried it?

***

In 1972 I was working at a very boring job in an aerospace factory. There
were three guys my age (early 20's) in the department and we were always
playing what we saw as a joke on some poor unsuspecting soul. I was also in
the Navy Reserve at the time and had to take two weeks off during the
Summer to due my training. When I returned from two weeks off, not yet
bored enough yet to begin playing more jokes, the other three guys went off
their heads pulling any kind of trivial, dangerous or otherwise obnoxious
stunt they could think of. At the end of the second day the supervisor
called me into the office and said: "Jones, I don't know what's the matter
with you but you better knock it off. I've had two weeks of peace and quiet
while you were gone and now that you're back all hell's breaking loose. You
go on back out there and stop bothering people."

I knew that I hadn't done anything but I didn't bother to protest. I could
recognize a well executed joke when I saw one.

***

If you have access to a two (or more) line phone, this is a great one. Dial
the first six numbers of your prey's phone number, and put that line on
hold, then dial the other number; a pizza place, or his girlfriend is good
for starters, then escalate to college offices, activist terrorist
organizations and the CIA are good from then on. After you dial the second
number, quickly put the second number on hold, then dial the last number of
the first number and push BOTH buttons down at the same time to activate
both calls at once. Then listen, but don't laugh, or they might hear you
and do worse in return.

***

Call lots of people and identify yourself as the victim, and say "I was
walking through the neighborhood recently and just realized I dropped my
wallet. Could you please check the sidewalk in front of your house and let
me know if you find it? Thanks *so* much. My phone number is..."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 07:43:50 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: Steve Wright one liners

1. I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park
   anywhere near the place.

2. I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I
   got a full house and four people died.

3. Last week, I went to a furniture store to look for a
   decaffeinated coffee table. They couldn't help me.

4. What's another word for "thesaurus"?

5. When I get real bored, I like to drive down town and get a
   great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people
   ask me if I'm leaving.

6. When I was a kid, we had a quicksand box in the backyard. I
   was an only child...eventually.

7. I bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had
   to buy them again.

8. For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I
   put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
 
9. I have a switch in my apartment that doesn't do anything.
   Every once in a while I turn it on and off.  One day I got a call
   from a woman in France who said "Cut it out!"

10. I replaced the headlights on my car with strobe lights. Now it
    looks like I'm the only one moving.

11. I wrote a song, but I can't read music. Every time I hear a
    new song on the radio, I think "Hey, maybe I wrote that."

12. I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on
    purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it
    nearer & farther, trying to see it clearly).... and says,
    "Here, you can go."

13. I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy
    anything specific.

14. I turned my air conditioner the other way around, and it got
    cold out. The weatherman said, "I don't understand it.  It was
    supposed to be 80 degrees out today."  I said "Oops..."

15. I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes.  They had little
    pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in
    circles.

16. I spilled Spot remover on my dog.  Now he's gone.

17. My neighbor has a circular driveway.  He can't get out.

18. I bought some powdered water, but I didn't know what to add.

19. I put instant coffee in a microwave and almost went back in time.

20. I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home
    now, but leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."

21. I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know
    how I got there.

22. I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time."
    So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

23. A friend of mine is into Voodoo Acupuncture.  You don't have
    to go.  You'll just be walking down the street  and.......oohh,
    that's much better.

24. I have a hobby.  I have the world's largest collection of
    sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world.
    Maybe you've seen some of it.

25. I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.

26. Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 07:52:26 -0500
From:    Mark Morris <Whrek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Rich Italian(Poss off to Italians)

Once there was this Italian man. One day, he got rich.(never mind how) He
decided he'd move over to the land of rich people- America. When he got over
to America, the first thing he decided to do was to build himself a great
mansion. So he looked and looked for a suitable place to build his mansion
and finally settled for Beverly Hills. He hired the oh-so-best contractor he
could find and gave his explicit instructions as to how he wanted it built. "
I wanta lotsa istatues alla over the place!" he instructed. Well, finally ,
the mansion was finished, and boy was it impressive. It had several pools and
fountains, and several Greek statues situated on the grounds. The Italian man
came to look and exclaimed" That'sa alla well anda good, I likea the grounds
and all, buta stilla not enough istatues." So the contractor went out and got
several more statues, and placed them strategically around the grounds. " Oh,
that'sa much better," said the Italian,"But I'ma a busy man- I've gotta havea
alot more istatues arounda here." So the contractor really littered the place
with statues- you had to go around many of them to get where you were going
on the estate. "Wella, I thinka you done a finea job ahere"said the
Italian,"buta, still....not enough istatues."
The contractor said" I just can't figure out what in the hell it is you're
wanting- there are over 50 statues on the grounds here- what could you
possibly be wanting more of?!"
The Italian said" You know- thosea thingsa dat ago Ring-Ring, and you picka
it up and say,Hello- ISTATUE?"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 06:04:08 -0800
From:    Ralph Walter Lewis <ralphwl@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Racist Joke

Q: How long does it take a black chick to take a shit?
A: 9 months.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 08:41:35 -0600
From:    Richard Linton <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU>
Subject: Irish humor <poss off to Irish>

Q:  What is the difference between an Irish wake and an Irish wedding?
A:  One less drunk

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 09:55:53 EST
From:    Bo Peng <bpeng@LEHMAN.COM>
Subject: But is the toilet Microsoft Windows (TM) compatible?

This is an actual news exerpt:

SUNNYVALE, Calif.--(BUSINESS WIRE)--March 14, 1997--
"On April 2 AMD plans to announce its new, sixth-generation Microsoft Windows
-compatible microprocessor..."


Welcome to Softmicro Shoes! Would you like to try this pair, m'am?
Hmmm...they don't fit. Too bad, you'll have to throw away your feet.

Bo, planning to announce the plan to announce a Microsoft Windows compatible
blinds...

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 11:17:17 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Garrison Keillor Calls for Jokes

To 10,000 of the world's greatest humorists:

North American HUMOR subscribers will probably have heard of Garrison Keillor
and his radio show A Prairie Home Companion.  On April 5th the show will be
devoted to jokes send in by listeners.  The are looking for the BEST jokes from
all over.  Here's an example of what Keillor thinks of as a good joke:

        A grasshopper walks into a bar and orders a beer.  The bartender serves
up the beer and says: "You know, one of our most popular dinks is the one named
after you!"
        "You mean there's a drink called Eugene!" replies the grasshopper.

A Prairie Home Companion is pretty much a family show, but Garrison has
recently admitted that he might be willing to try a few sophomoric fart jokes
in the show.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 10:06:39 -0800
From:    "Howard, Dan" <howardd@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Chili Cookoff Contest

Not sure if this is the original poster.  Apolgies if not.
 ----------
Subject: Chili Cookoff Contest
Author:  Valerie A Naegele at 5-805144-TU
Date:    3/13/97 4:46 PM

Recently I was honored to be selected as an Outstanding Famous
Celebrity in my Community to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no
one else wanted to do it. Also the original personal called in sick at
the last moment and I happened to be standing there at the judge's
table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came.  I was
assured by the other two judges that the chili wouldn't be all that
spicy, and besides they told me I could have free beer during the
tasting, so I accepted this as being one of those burdens you endure
when you're an internet writer and therefore known and adored by all.
Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1:  Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.  Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO:. Nice, smooth tomato flavor  Very mild.
KENNEDY:  Holy smokes, what is this stuff?  You could remove dried
           paint from your driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
           the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.  These people
           are crazy.

Chili # 2:  Arthur's Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE:  Smoky (barbecue?)  with a hint of pork.  Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO:  Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
            seriously.
KENNEDY:  Keep this out of reach of children!  I'm not sure
          what I am supposed to taste besides pain.  I had to wave
          off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
          Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.  The barmaid
          looks like a professional wrestler after a bad night.  She
          was so irritated over my gagging sounds that the snake
          tattoo under her eye started to twitch.  She has arms like
          Popeye and a face like Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a
          fight with her.

Chili # 3:  Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE:  Excellent firehouse chili!  Great kick.  Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO:  A beanless chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.
KENNEDY:  This has got to be a joke.  Call the EPA, I've located a
          uranium spill.  My nose feels like I have been sneezing
          Drano.  Everyone knows the routine by now and got out of my
          way so I could make it to the beer wagon. Barmaid pounded
          me on the back; now my backbone is in the front part of
          my chest.  She said her friends call her "Sally."  Probably
          behind her back they call her "Forklift."

Chili # 4:  Bubba's Black Magic

JUDGE ONE:  Black bean chili with almost no spice.  Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO:  A hint of lime in the black beans.  Good side dish for
            fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
KENNEDY:  I felt something scraping across my tongue but was unable
          to taste it. Sally was standing behind me with fresh
          refills so I wouldn't have to dash over to see her.  When
          she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and uncoiled-it's
          kinda cute.

Chili # 5:  Linda's Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE:  Meaty, strong chili.  Cayenne peppers freshly ground
            adding considerable kick.  Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO:  Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato.  Must
            admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

KENNEDY:  My ears are ringing and I can no longer focus my eyes.  I
          belched and four people in front of me needed paramedics.
          The contestant seemed hurt when I told her that her chili
          had given me brain damage.  Sally saved my tongue by
          pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher.  Sort of
          irritates me that one of the other judges asked me to stop
          screaming.

Chili # 6:  Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE:  Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili.  Good balance of
             spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO:  The best yet.  Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
            garlic. Superb.
KENNEDY:  My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous
          flames. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
          Sally.   I asked if she wants to go dancing later.

Chili # 7:  Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE:  A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
            Peppers.
JUDGE TWO:  Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef threw
            in canned chili peppers at the last moment.  I should
            note that I am worried about Judge Number 3, he appears
            to be in a bit of distress.
KENNEDY:  You could put a hand grenade in my mouth and pull the pin
          and I wouldn't feel it.  I've lost the sight in one eye and
          the world sounds like it is made of rushing water.  My
          clothes are covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of
          my mouth at some point.  Good, at autopsy they'll know what
          killed me.  Go Sally, save yourself before it's too late.
          Tell our children I'm sorry I was not there to conceive
          them.  I've decided to stop breathing, it's too painful and
          I'm not getting any oxygen anyway.  If I need air I'll just
          let it in through the hole in my stomach.  Call the X-Files
          people and tell them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
Chili # 8:  Helen's Mount Saint Chili

JUDGE ONE:  This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild
            nor hot.  Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge
            Number 3 fell and pulled the chili pot on top of himself.
JUDGE TWO:  A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for
            all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
KENNEDY:    Momma?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 13:14:31 -0500
From:    John Vogel <jvogel@DGS.DGSYS.COM>
Subject: Top5 - 3/17/97 - St. Patrick's Day Toasts (fwd)

             The Top 15 St. Patrick's Day Toasts

15> May the roadkill rise up to eat you.

14> May you never be as unhappy as a Catholic in Belfast.

13> Hey!  You!  Wake up and drink this!!

12> May the green of your vomit tomorrow echo the green of your
    eyes tonight.

11> May your codpiece always be a size too small.

10> Here's shrapnel in yer eye!

 9> May the wind always be at yer back... less'n o'course, you're
    a mime.

 8> May the grass grow green in your fields, may the sun shine
    warmly at your back, and may you be back home in your apartment
    a half-hour before you start puking your guts out.

 7> May you never have to hear that caterwauling lass from
    The Cranberries screech ever again.

 6> Git yer hand off me arse or I'll rip yer head off and puke
    down yer throat.

 5> May Erin go bra'less.

 4> May you have the hair of Bono and the balls of Sinead O'Connor.

 3> May Pamela Lee fondle your blarney stones.

 2> Here's to not trippin' over a Kennedy.

    and the Number 1 St. Patrick's Day Toast...


 1> May the wind at your back not be the result of the corned beef
    and cabbage you had for lunch.


   [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
   [  *To forward or repost, please include this section.*  ]
   [ The Top Five List    top5@walrus.com   www.topfive.com ]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 11:57:51 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <JBRENTS@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: Mary had a little clone(not off)

I don't know what is wrong with the system, but I sent a message once
and then saw it on this posting three times.
_________________________________________________
I don't know who to credit this to, but it was cute so I am posting it.

Mary had a little lamb,
Its fleece was slightly grey.
It didn't have a father,
Just some borrowed DNA.

It sort of had a mother,
Though the ovum was on loan.
It was not so much a lambkin
As a little lamby clone.

And soon it had a fellow clone,
And soon it had some more.
It made the children laugh and sing,
The teachers found it droll;
There were too many lamby clones
For Mary to control.

No other could control the sheep
Since their programs didn't vary,
So the scientists resolved it all
By simply cloning Mary.

But now they feel quite sheepish,
Those scientists unwary.
One problem solved, but what to do
With Mary, Mary, Mary?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 15:44:36 -0500
From:    Bill Crawford <bill@ERIN.MV.COM>
Subject: Deaf and Dumb

A farmer became very prosperous and decided to hire an accountant.
Since the farmer didn't want the IRS or his neighbors to find out
exactly how much money he had, he hired an accountant who could not
speak or hear.

Everything went quite well until one day when the farmer discovered
that $50,000 in cash was missing and unaccounted for.  The farmer
approaches the accountant and starts to ask him where the money is
only to remember that the accountant can't hear him.  So, the farmer
calls a friend who knows sign language and asks him to come over and
ask the accountant where the money is.

Farmer:  "Ask the accountant where the money is."

Friend (in sign language to the accountant): "Where is the farmer's
    $50,000?"

Accountant (in sign language back to the friend): "I don't know."

Friend (speaking to the farmer): "He says he doesn't know."

So this gets repeated a couple more times, with the friend signing
to the accountant and the accountant replying that he doesn't know
where the money is.  Finally the old farmer takes out his shotgun
and lays it on the table.  Then he says to the friend, "Ask him
again where the money is."

The friend signs the farmer's question to the accountant, and this
time the accountant, visibly nervous, signs back, "The money is in
a tin can buried in my back yard next to the old apple tree."

And the friend, speaking to the farmer, says: "He still doesn't know."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 17:41:42 -0500
From:    Michelle Montee <MichMontee@AOL.COM>
Subject: WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN (1 of 2) <off. to men>

              WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN (1 of 2)

"I'm going fishing."  Really means...  "I'm going to drink myself dangerously
stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by
in complete safety."

"Let's take your car."  Really means....  "Mine is full of beer cans, burger
wrappers and completely out of gas."

"Woman driver."  Really means....  "Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate,
swear, make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."

"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."  Really means....  "As long
as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve, black,
turquoise or any other color besides white."

"It's a guy thing."  Really means....  "There is no rational thought pattern
connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"Can I help with dinner?"  Really means....  "Why isn't it already on the
table?"

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."  Really mean....  Absolutely
nothing.  It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling.

"Good idea."  Really means....  "It'll never work.  And I'll spend the rest
of the day  gloating."

"Have you lost weight?"  Really means....  "I've just spent our last $30 on a
cordless drill."

"My wife doesn't understand me."  Really means....  "She's heard all my
stories before, and is tired of them."

"It would take too long to explain."  Really means....  "I have no idea how
it works."

"I'm getting more exercise lately."  Really means....  "The batteries in the
remote are dead."

"I got a lot done."  Really means....  "I found 'Waldo' in almost every
picture."

"We're going to be late."  Really means....  "Now I have a legitimate excuse
to drive like a maniac."

"Hey, I've read all the classics."  Really means....  "I've been subscribing
to Playboy since 1972."

"You cook just like my mother used to."  Really means....  "She used the
smoke detector as a meal timer, too."

"I was listening to you.  It's just that I have things on my mind."   Really
means....    "I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."

"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."  Really means....  "I can't
hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"That's interesting, dear."  Really means....  "Are you still talking?"

"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."  Really means....
 "I forgot our anniversary again."

"You expect too much of me."  Really means....  "You want me to stay awake."

"It's a really good movie."  Really means....  "It's got guns, knives, fast
cars, and Heather Locklear."

"That's women's work."  Really means....  "It's difficult, dirty, and
thankless."

"Will you marry me?"  Really means....  "Both my roommates have moved out, I
can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."

"Go ask your mother."  Really means....  "I am incapable of making a
decision."

"You know how bad my memory is."  Really means....  "I remember the theme
song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the
Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot
your birthday."

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."  Really means....
 "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

"Football is a man's game."  Really means....  "Women are generally too smart
to play it."

"Oh, don't fuss.  I just cut myself, it's no big deal."  Really means....  "I
have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm
hurt."

"I do help around the house."  Really means.... "I once put a dirty towel in
the laundry basket."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 18:01:15 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: School humor (Offensive to Religious types)

A young boy was in grade four and was having a terrible time with his
mathematics.  His parents worked with him night after night but there
was no improvement.  His math marks were dismal.  His parents in
desperation decided to transfer their son to a new school.  They
decided to try the Catholic school system  but not until after they had
given the matter serious consideration as both parents were not
religious.  They checked around and the school seemed to have a good
academic record.  They reluctantly enrolled their son in the separate
school. Immediately the boy's  math marks soared.  He went from a
failing grade to become an A student.  His parents were surprised at
the change and over dinner one night they asked their son about his
improvement.  "Was it better teaching" they asked and the boy said "No
the teachers are about the same".  "Was it a different text book?"
Again the boy said "No it is the same text book"  Finally they asked
their son why he thought he had made such a dramatic improvement.  The
boy said "the first day I went to school I knew they took their math
seriously and that I had better do well or there would be serious
consequences."  Their parents asked what made him realize the
school took math so seriously.  The boy answered " the first thing I
saw when I went into the classroom was a statute of some guy nailed to
a plus sign."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 16:40:36 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Putdown in 3 words <inoffensive>

          A young man was defending the works of an ultra-modern writer,
trying to convince a skeptical friend of their excellence. Said he: "They
will be remembered and read when Shakespeare and Homer are forgotten."
          "And not until," replied the unconvinced friend.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 01:00:39 +0000
From:    Prophet Elijah <psuol@CSV.WARWICK.AC.UK>
Subject: Name pun (surely not offensive even to the Spanish)

Q. What do you call a Spanish guy who is just out of hospital?

A. Manuel.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 19:59:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Skiing

For all you still planning to ski this season...

10. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer
    for half an hour.  Afterwards, burn two $50 dollar bills to warm up.

9.  Go to the nearest hockey rink and walk across the ice 20 times in
    your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles.
    Pretend you are looking for your car.

8.  For ski boot simulation at home, put a pebble in your street shoes
    and tighten a C-clamp around your toes.

7.  Buy a pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.

6.  Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $6.50 for a hamburger.  Be
    sure to wait in the longest line.

5.  Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a
    motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.

4.  Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a
    snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.

3.  Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray
    blast your face.  You'd almost believe you're skiing in front of a
    snowmaker!

2.  Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them
    off because you have to go to the bathroom.

1.  Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday.


---
Silence may not be golden, but at least it's quiet.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 22:08:15 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: Presidential humor

 President Clinton and Hillary are at the first baseball game of
        the season. The umpire walks up to the VIP section and yells
        something, and suddenly Clinton grabs Hillary by the collar and
        throws her over the side and onto the field.  The stunned umpire
        shouted, "No, Mr.  President!  I said, "Throw the first PITCH!"

 Clinton returns from a vacation in Arkansas and walks down the
       steps of Air force One with two pigs under his arms. At the
       bottom of the steps, the honor guardsman steps forward and
       remarks,"Nice pigs, Mr.  President."

       Clinton replies, "I'll have you know that these are genuine
       Arkansas razorback hogs.  I got this one for Chelsea and this
       one for Hillary.  What do you think?"

       The honor guardsman answers, "Nice trade, sir."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 13:06:00 -0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOR> Newfoundlander jokes

>From David Murphy:

A classic Jimmy Flynn routine:
``Newfoundlanders are the toughest people in the world! A fellow from
Texas had heard this and he was driving across Newfoundland in March when he
saw this Newfy out on the lake in his underwear cutting his way through the
ice with a saw. The Texan couldn't believe it, so he went over to speak with
him. He said `I heard Newfoundlanders were tough, but this is really
something.' The Newfy looked him right in the eye and said: `You think I'm tough. My brother's on the other end of the saw.'

``The RCMP sent a picture of a wanted criminal to Newfoundland. It
was a front shot and two side shots. Two weeks later they got a
telegram saying `We've caught the fellow in the middle but we're
still looking for the other two.''

``Two Newfys froze to death at a drive-in theatre last night. They
went to see Closed for the Season.''

``Fella walks into a doctor's office and says, `Doctor, I'm having
an awful problem with my sex life.' Doctor says `Don't worry about
it son, you're out of shape. Go out and run 10 miles a day, every
day and give me a call in 10 days' time.' Ten days go by and the
little Newfie fella phones him up. Doctor says `How's your sex life?'
The fella says `I don't know. I'm 100 miles away from home!' ''

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Mar 1997 10:42:35 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Restroom Quiz <adult>

  Men should ace this test ... women may have a little difficulty.
  There IS a code of "Restroom Etiquette" that MUST be followed.
  ===============================================
  The following is the urinal configuration in a sample men's room.
  An X above the number will indicate "in use."
  (Sample):

   |   |   | x |   |   | x |     (Indicates that urinals 3 and 6
   | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |     are occupied.)
   -------------------------
  You are to identify correctly, based on urinal etiquette, at
  which stall you are to stand.  Good luck!
   --------------------
      Easy Section
   --------------------
  1.)

   |   | x |   | x |   |   |     (Urinals 2 and 4 occupied.)
   | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
   -------------------------
  Your choice: ___
   -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer: 6        It's the ONLY one to go to and every guy
                           instinctively knows this.
  ===============================================
  2.)

   | x |   |   |   |   |   |    (Urinal 1 occupied.)
   | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
   -------------------------
  Your choice:  ___
   -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer: 6        Stall 5 is acceptable, but you run a greater risk
                           of being next to someone who arrives later.
  ===============================================
   -------------------------
    Kind of tricky Section:
   -------------------------
  3.)

   |   |   |   |   |   |   |   (empty)
   | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
   --------------------------
  Your choice:  __
   -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer:  1 or 6    You are tacitly saying,
                             "I don't want anyone next to me."
  ===============================================
  4.)
    |   | x |   | x |   | x |       (2, 4 and 6 occupied)
    | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
    -------------------------
  Your choice:  ___
   -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer:  1        You're stuck being next to at
                            least ONE guy, so you minimize the
                            impact and get a wall on your left.
                            NEVER go between TWO guys if you
                            can help it.  Exceptions to this
                            are stadium restrooms where the
                            herd thunders in.
  ===============================================
   -----------------------------------------------
    Subtle, tricky, but important to know Section
   -----------------------------------------------
  5.)
  |   | x |   |   | x | x |          (2, 5 and 6 occupied)
  | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
   -------------------------
  Your choice:  __
 -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer:  4       Believe it or not,  1 and 3 "couples"
                           you with the guy in stall 2.  And we
                           wouldn't want THAT now, would we?
                           This differs from question 4 in such a
                           subtle way that the nuances cannot be
                           explained.  Suffice to say, only we men
                           would understand!
  ===============================================
   -----------------------------
    VERY tricky indeed Section
   -----------------------------
  6..)
  | x | x |   |   | x | x |          (1, 2, 5 and 6 occupied)
  | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 |
   -------------------------
  Your choice:  ___
   -----------------------------------------------------------------
  Correct answer:  NONE!  You go to the mirror and pretend to
                          comb your hair or straighten a tie
                          until the urinals "open up" a bit more.
                          If you have to go REAL, REAL BAD, for
                          god's sake! ... use a doored stall.
  ===============================================
  Other parts of the Unwritten Code of the Urinals:
   -- NO Talking, unless it's a good friend... but even then, keep
      it terse and unemotional.  This ain't no clubhouse.
   -- I don't think I need to tell you, absolutely NO touching of
      anyone other than yourself.  A touch of another's elbow is of
      the highest offense.
   -- NO Singing.  Period.
   -- Glances are for purposes of acknowledgment only..."Yeah, I see
      you there.  I will not look again".

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Mar 1997 to 18 Mar 1997 - Special issue
****************************************************************
