HUMOR Digest - 16 Mar 1997 to 17 Mar 1997
There are 12 messages totalling 496 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Tests
  2. Royals, Confession, The Pig (innuendox2, off. to police)
  3. The Difference Between Girls and Boys <sexual; foul language>
  4. Pranks (part 2/5)
  5. Star Wars / Frat Guy
  6. Not offensive
  7. It's A Wacky World
  8. Parrot joke
  9. Perhaps offensive to clones and pun haters
 10. Jesus in the Bar
 11. Two drunks.(offensive to the irish)
 12. Addiction <clean,off. to golfers>

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Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 1997 09:36:11 +0200
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: Tests

Have you ever had that feeling before an exam that you really know nothing
and 30 seconds after it had started you've found to be perfectly right?

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 1997 10:56:08 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Royals, Confession, The Pig (innuendox2, off. to police)

     Princess Diana and the Queen are being driven around the grounds of
Balmoral, when the Land Rover is stopped by a robber.
He tells the Queen to wind down her window and hand over all her money.
     "I'm the richest woman in the world," replies the Queen. "I have no
need for money."
     So the robber turns to Diana and demands that she hands over all her
jewellery.
     "I'm the most beutiful woman in the world," replies Di. "I have no need
for jewellery."
     The robber decides to cut his losses and so steals the Land Rover instead.
     When he's gone, the Queen asks Diana where she hid all her jewellery.
     "Well," says Diana, "when I saw him approaching, I stuffed it all up my
fanny. Why, what did you do with all the money you were carrying?"
     "Same thing," says the Queen. "When I saw him approaching, I stuffed
all the cash up my fanny."
     'It's a pity Fergie wasn't here," says Diana. "Otherwise we could have
saved the Land Rover as well."
(courtesy of Giggles)
----------
     A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest what
goes on in the confessional. "I have an idea," said the priest. Why don't
you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself?
No one will ever know."
     A woman came into the booth and said, "Bless me Father for I have
sinned." The priest asked, "What did you do?"
     "I cheated on my husband."
     "How many times?"
     "Three times."
     "Well," said the priest, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the
offering box."
     Another woman came and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
     The priest asked, "What did you do?"
     "I cheated on my husband."
     "How many times?"
     "Three times."
     Again the priest said, "Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the
offering box."  Then the priest said to the rabbi, "would you like to do the
next confession?"  The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, "Go
ahead. It's easy."
     So another woman came in and said, "Bless me Father for I have sinned."
This time the rabbi asked, "What did you do?"
     "I cheated on my husband."
     "How many times?"
     The woman said, "Twice."
     Then the rabbi said, "Well go do it again. They're 3 for 5 dollars today."
----------
     A young bloke has started work on a property, and the boss sends him up
the back paddocks to do some fencing work, but come evening he's half an
hour late.  The boss gets on the CB radio to check if he's all right.
     "I've got a problem, Boss, I'm stuck here, I've hit a pig."
     "Ah, well, these things happen sometimes," says the boss, "Just drag
the carcass off the road so nobody else hits it in the dark".
     "But he's not dead, Boss, he's gotten tangled up on the bull bar, and
I've tried to untangle him, but he's kicking and squealing, and he's real
big, Boss, I'm afraid he's gunna hurt me".
     "Never mind," said the Boss, "There's a .303 under the tarp in the
back, get that out and shoot him, then drag the carcass off the road, and
come on home."
     "Okay, Boss".  Another half an hour goes by, but there's still not a
peep from the young fella.  The boss gets back on the CB.
     "What's the problem, son?"
     "Well, I did what you said Boss, but I'm still stuck."
     "What's up?  Did you drag the pig off the road like I said?"
     "Yeah Boss, but his motorcycle is still jammed under the ute."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 1997 08:03:53 -0300
From:    Carlos Arruda Accioly <caccioly@MAIL.RIO.COM.BR>
Subject: The Difference Between Girls and Boys <sexual; foul language>

Girl: Jimmy and I made wild passionate love last night!

Boy: I fucked the shit outta Suzie last night!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 1997 13:52:04 +0100
From:    Jan Willem Frederikze <Oddball@DDS.NL>
Subject: Pranks (part 2/5)

> From my friend Mark:

The next practical joke that I will relate was one that a friend taught me
and it requires a bit of time to prepare. First you need: iodine crystals
and some ammonium hydroxide. Mix the two together and a brown sludge will
form. Drain off the excess liquid and let the sludge dry. The result? Snap
powder, a pressure sensitive explosive. Just sprinkle this on the floor and
watch people's reactions. Its quite amusing.

***

They had a 'witchy' old lady next door that was constantly complaining
about everything and everyone in the neighborhood. After one really good
round of kids and pets messing up her spotless front yard, my buddies
planned what turned out to be a better joke than they originally thought.
        Juvenile as we all were, they planned to write some dirty words in
her meticulously groomed front lawn with some kind of powder that would
stand out. The only thing they could find was some Ortho Super-Gro Lawn
Food (white powdery stuff). They wrote the message in the dead of night,
and next morning it was bold and white for the world to see. The 'kicker'
came after. She came out, saw the graffiti, and immediately grabbed a hose
and WATERED IT OFF!
        To this day, those sections of grass are just a little bit greener
than everything around them, and the words can STILL be read!

***

This practical joke is hearsay. A fellow student some years ago related the
following.
        Apparently another student was a bit of a bragger. His favorite
topic was his car, and one sub-topic was the terrific gas milage
(pre-metric) it got.

So it began one evening. Fill up a one-gallon container of gas each night
and pour it into the victim's gas tank. Wait for the story each day to get
better and better. Repeat until it cannot be taken any more. I believe two
weeks was sufficient. Finally the moment (days) of truth. Each night for
two weeks, the effect was reversed, and one gallon of gas was REMOVED from
the victim's tank. It was amazingly effective at reducing some of the
stories. I suspect the truth was never revealed to the victim.

***

In our residence the lounge door can be locked (or unlocked) by any room
key from the floor. You can also remove the handles from a door (i.e. the
lock comes too) and switch the handles.

We did this to one guy, he was the only one who could lock the door to the
lounge (we never locked anyway) but everyone could get into his room. Every
night for a week (at about 3:30 am) someone would go in and do something to
him while he was asleep (nothing really nasty). As he was a sound sleeper,
it actually took him a week to figure out what was going on.

***

In my younger days, while employed at a warehouse, I was the butt of the
usual practical jokes directed at newcomers (Fetch me a light-bulb repair
kit, son, etc). As days passed, I noticed that one of my antagonists was
actually afraid of his terminal. This was at the time when the press was
full of accounts of the dangers of X-rays from color TV's, and this guy was
deathly afraid of the noise made by the high-voltage section of the CRT as
it warmed up. Each morning he sat in his swivel chair, coffee in his left
hand, and with the chair as far as possible away from the terminal, used
his right hand to quickly flick the ON witch, and then jerked it away from
THE CERTAIN DEATH THAT AWAITED. After the racket settled down, he would
wheel up to the terminal and commence operations.
        This situation was too good for yours truly to pass up. I went
upstairs and pulled out a stock item, a stadium buzzer, used by high
schools on the football fields to announce the end of a quarter. I came in
early the next morning and installed it in one of his file boxes, near the
terminal. I ran the wires out to the next office via a pass-thru, and
alerted all of the staff (but him) of what was about to transpire.
        He entered the room, coffee in hand, and sat in his chair. All
others were heads-down in work. He adjusted his chair to the proper
distance, reached way out for the switch, and as soon as he pulled, I
plugged in the cord. As the buzzer sounded, he assumed the facial
expressions of one who has seen death reaching it's skeletal fingers to
snatch him from the land of the living. Coffee flew to the ceiling, and for
a few brief seconds before hitting the opposite wall, a new world land
speed record for backward swivel-chair operation was established!

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 1997 09:05:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Star Wars / Frat Guy

>Sent From: "Ed Grannan" <edg@symphony.aud.alcatel.com>

Please read the following passage and then read the succeeding
interpretation


Luke:  "You fought in the clone wars?"

Ben:  "I was once a Jedi Knight the same as your father."

Luke:  "My father didn't fight in the wars.  He was a navigator on a
        space freighter."

Ben:  "That's what your Uncle told you.  He didn't hold with your
      father's ideals.  He thought he should stay home.  Not gotten involved."

Luke:  "I wish I had known him."

Ben:  "He was a cunning warrior, and the best star pilot in the galaxy.
      I understand you've become quite a good pilot yourself.  And he was a
      good friend.  For over a thousand years the Jedi Knight protected the
      galaxy.  Before the dark times.  Before the Empire"

Luke:  "How did my father die?"

Ben:  "A young Jedi Knight named Darth Vader, who was a pupil of mine
      until he turned to evil, helped the Emperor hunt down and destroy the
      Jedi Knights.  He betrayed and murdered your father.  Vader was seduced
      by the Dark Side of the Force."

Luke:  "The Force?"

Ben:  "Yes, the Force is what gives a Jedi Knight his power.  It's an
      energy field created by all living things.  It surrounds us. Penetrates
      us. Binds the galaxy together.  Which reminds me.  Your father wanted
      you to have this when you were old enough, but your Uncle wouldn't
      allow.  He thought you'd follow Obi-Wan on some idealistic crusade."

Luke:  "What is it?"

Ben:  "It a lightsaber.  The weapon of a Jedi Knight.  Not as random
      or clumsy as a blaster.  An elegant weapon for a more civilized age."

******************
Now the interpretation, as a conversation I never want to have with
your son...
******************

Luke:  "You were in the Greek System?"

Ben:  "I was once a Frat Guy the same as your father."

Luke:  "My father didn't belong to a frat.  He was a tool, an RA in
       the dorms for four years."

Ben:  "That's what your mother told you.  She didn't hold with your
      father's ideals.  She thought he should stay home. Not drink until
      four in the morning and then pee on things."

Luke:  "I wish I had known him, when he could drink."

Ben: "He was a cunning partier, and the best boat-racer in the house.
      And he was a good bro.  I understand you've become quite a boozehound
      yourself.  For over five years he got so curbed he could hardly
      function.  Before the dark times.   Before, his skirt."

Luke:  "How did my father become a lame butt?"

Ben:  "A young chick, namely your mother, who was pretty cool herself
      until she turned to evil, helped other women hunt down and destroy the
      coolness in men.  She civilized and murdered the bro. who was once your
      father. Your mother was pissed off by the dark side of Beer"

Luke:  "Beer?"

Ben:  [smiles] "Yes, Beer is what gives a frat guy his power.  It's a
      beverage created by hops and barley, and stuff like that.  It
      intoxicates us.  Gives us beer goggles.  And lets us yell stuff like
      "penis" in bars everywhere.  Which reminds me.   Your father wanted you
      to have this when you were old enough, but your Mother wouldn't allow
      it.  She thought you'd follow some Frat Brother on some binge drinking
      crusade."

Luke:  "What is it?"

Ben:  "Your father's beer-bong.  The weapon of a Frat Guy.  Not as
      random or clumsy as a shot glass.  An elegant weapon for a less
      civilized age..."

----
24 cans in a case...24 hours a day...coincidence?

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 1997 07:22:04 -0600
From:    Fred <fredb@CORPCOMM.NET>
Subject: Not offensive

You know it is going to be a bad day when you wake up and your Rice
Crispies say, Pock, Snackle, Crap.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 1997 11:18:40 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

                 Boy, 6, Suspended For Having Toy Gun

 CUMBERLAND, R.I. - A 6-year-old Cumberland boy who displayed a toy gun on
a school bus was suspended for one day from kindergarten for violating a
school anti-weapons policy.

 The boy, whose name was not released, got the toy gun from another child,
then displayed it on a bus taking him to B.F. Norton School.

 The boy's mother, upset at the suspension, said her son was ``scared to
death'' after being questioned.

 Superintendent Joseph Nasif said the punishment was reasonable since the
boy caused a ``disruption'' on the bus. The boy could have been suspended
for 10 days, he said.

Source: Associated Press (c)

* Could this be another "Zero Tolerence" policy gone awry? Inquiring minds
would like to know. Zero tolerence sometimes leads to zero common sense. --

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 00:50:00 PST
From:    They call me June Buggy <JD@THEPENTAGON.COM>
Subject: Parrot joke

Hello people, the following joke was sent to me by a new friend I just made. Her name is Angela and her email address is BardLover@aol.com. I loved it, I hope u will 2.

---
A man is walking down a darkened street on Christmas Eve, in a mad search for
his wife's Christmas present.  He stumbles upon the only open store, a pet
shop.  The man walks in and announces his need for a Christmas present, and
the store owner leads him over to a parrot sitting in the corner with a
nametag that says "Chet".

The owner lights a match, tells the man to listen carefully, and holds the
match under the parrot's left foot.  The parrot begins to sing "Jingle Bells"
softly, and the man's eyes light up.  The store owner does the same to the
parrot's right foot, and the parrot sings "White Christmas".  The man says,
"I'll take it!"

The next morning, Christmas morning, the man reveales Chet to his wife and
she is pleasantly surprised.  "Wait a minute, that's not all," the man says.
 "Watch what Chet can do."  He demonstrates the parrots singing skills with a
lit match, and his wife is enchanted.

But his wife is curious...she asks offhandedly, "What does he do when you put
the lit match under his tail?"  The man shrugs his shoulders, lights another
match, and holds it under Chet's tail. Chet pipes up signing, "Chet's nuts
roasting on an open fire!" (Chesnuts Roasting on an Open Fire)

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 1997 18:55:29 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Perhaps offensive to clones and pun haters

One day, in the far off future, a man met his clone.  They decided to
hike to the top of a steep cliff and started talking.  They were
admiring the view when the clone started reeling off obsenity after
obsenity.  The man can't believe what he is hearing.  His clone is one
foul-mouthed individual.

The man gets so upset that he throws the clone over the edge and he
falls to a tragic end.

He was charged with making an obscene clone fall ...

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 1997 10:14:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Jesus in the Bar

WARNING: May be offensive to the relegious and those on Worker's
Compensation.
=============
The one day this guy walks into a bar and sits down at one end. A group of
three fellows are sitting at the other end of the bar. One of them notice's
that it is Jesus. And says "Hey that's Jesus."

The others realize this and they decide to be nice and buy him a beer. They
call the bartender over and tell him to send him a beer. So the bartender
fills up a beer and shoots it on down to Jesus.

Jesus takes the beer and drinks it right down. After he is done, he gets up
and walks over to the three guys. He says to them "I really appreciate what
you've done for me, I'd like to help you out." He senses that the first guy
has a bad elbow, so Jesus touches the fellow on the arm. The guy feels no
more pain in his arm, and he gets up, and he's swinging it around and goes
running around the bar shaking everyone's hands.

Jesus then walks over to the second man, and senses that he has a bad knee.
He places his hand on the man's knee. The man stands up and there is no
pain. He thinks it great and starts dancing around the bar, having a great time.

Jesus walks up behind the third but senses nothing wrong with the man. So
deciding to ask the man what he would like he reaches for the man. The man
jumps back and shouts "Hey! Don't touch me! I'm on workers compensation!"

----
I'd kill Flipper for a good tuna sandwich right now!

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Mar 1997 20:55:21 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Two drunks.(offensive to the irish)

Well, a irish joke to celebrate St. Patricks. then an irish toast. ( to
celebrate St.Patricks) ;)

     It's an early evening in a dark and smoky downtown bar.  Two men are
sititing side by side on barstools, quaffing beer and talking.
     "Hey," says the first one, "you're Irish, aren't you?  I'd recognize
that accent anywhere!"
      "Of course I'm Irish," says the second man.
     "Well, saints be praised, so am I!"  replies the first.  "Let me buy
you a beer."
     So Joe the bartender brings each of them another beer.  After a bit,
the second man asks the first, "What part of the auld sod is your family from?"
     "Dublin," comes the reply.
     "Really?  That's where my family is from!  My turn to buy YOU a drink."
So the second man calls over the bartended and they toast one another with
their beers and keep talking.
     "Where exactly in Dublin are you from?"  asks the second man.
     "We lived on Killarney Street, on the west side of town," answers the
first.
     "I can't believe this!" cries the second man.  "I used to live on
Killarney Street, too."  He waves at the bartender:  "Joe, I want to buy
this man another beer,  and pour one for yourself while you're about it."
     So, Joe brings over two more beers and pours one for himself.  "Wow,
says the first man.  "This is really amazing!  What was your mother's
name?"
      "Her name was Mary, may she rest in the arms of our heavenly Father,"
comes the reply.
     "What!"  Gasps the first man.  "My mothers name was also Mary, may she
rest in peace.  Joe -- tell everyone in the place that the next round's on
me!"
     So, Joe sets up everyone in the place with their next drink.
     About this time, another man comes in and sits down at the far end of
the bar and motions for Joe to bring him a whiskey.
     "Hiya, Joe," he says, reaching for his wallet.  "How're things?"
     "Same-old, same-old,"  Joe answers, polishing a bit of brass with his
apron.  "The grill's on the fritz, the wife's sore at me, and -- oh, yeah
-- the Murphy twins are plastered again."


And finally:

                     TOOLEY'S TOAST

                Here's to our bartender-
             may he never be low in spirits.

____________________________________________

http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Mar 1997 09:51:31 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Addiction <clean,off. to golfers>

  Jack's wife always resented his playing golf, because Jack invariably came
  home late. When he was ready to go for golf yet once again, she issued an
  ultimatum.

  "If you are late again without good cause .........."

  Sure enough Jack was late again. "What's your excuse this time?"

  "Well dear, a mile from the house I had a flat, a short distance later I
  ran out of gas and had to go to the gas station for gas. Then you know I
  had to pick up Fred, my golfing partner. We were going to play 16 holes. On
  the third hole Fred had a heart attack and died. Then for the next thirteen
  holes it was hit the ball drag Fred, hit the ball drag Fred....."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Mar 1997 to 17 Mar 1997
************************************************
