HUMOR Digest - 15 Mar 1997 to 16 Mar 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 385 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Supporting the Arts in Canada (may be offensive to Ontarians)
  2. Pranks (part 1/5)
  3. The Leper (off. to lepers, truly revolting)
  4. fwd: Deep (ly reformed) religious thoughts <mild religious humor>
  5. Putdown in One Line <inoffensive>
  6. It's A Wacky World
  7. THE LAWS Part 3
  8. Classifieds <off. to amputees>
  9. Truckers and Skinny Women<offensive to both>
 10. Errors in newspaper ad.(misunderstood leading to sexual conclussions)

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Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 1997 03:24:49 -0500
From:    janissary <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: Supporting the Arts in Canada (may be offensive to Ontarians)

>From an old news item:

Harold V. Turton, clerk of the village of Wardsville, Ontario, received a
letter from a special committee for the arts in Ontario province. The latter
asked for a "short brief or letter concerning the Arts in the municipalityDhow
they are regarded, how they are funded, what effect they have on the life or
economy of the municipality, etc."

Turton replied to the committee: "Reference your letter dated 10 August, 1983,
requesting information on the Arts in our municipality. We are pleased to
advise that we have four: Art Harold, Art Morgan, Art Marks, and Art Sweet.
They are all extremely well-regarded in the community. They are mostly funded
by Old Age Security Pension and Canada Pension, and all contribute to the
economy of the municipality in their day-to-day living."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 1997 11:05:34 +0100
From:    Jan Willem Frederikze <Oddball@DDS.NL>
Subject: Pranks (part 1/5)

> From my friend Mark:

One joke that we did in residence was the Chinese Fire Drill, I don't quite
know why it is called that. Anyway...

The victim is on the pot in the dorm washroom. Everyone grabs a bucket (we
used the waste baskets from our rooms) and fills the buckets with water.
Take a paper bag and set it on fire, toss it under the door into the stall.
Yell "Fire!" as everyone tosses the water into the stall. Needless to say
the fire as well as the victim get very wet.
        This one fellow in the house was hit a number of times and took to
relieving himself in other locals. We followed him a couple of times and
nailed him in many parts of the residence.

***

It is common for draftsmen to sprinkle Scumex (powdered rubber eraser) on
tracings prior to doing any drawing on it. This reduces smearing of the
pencil marks and such and results in a cleaner tracing.
        At a former employers we had replaced the Scumex at one draftsman's
desk with dried Parmesan cheese. It looked about the same. It was extremely
interesting watching him draw for a while and then begin to smell the
paper. Took the poor dude almost 10 minutes to guess that he had been gigged!

***

This one hasn't come up despite the presence of UCLA on the net. I'm led to
the sad conclusion that the tradition has died.

In the mid '70s, just before it was overrun by fanatic Dungeons & Dragons
(tm) players, the UCLA Computer Club was host to a long series of "glitter
traps". Example: joke subject sits at a desk, pulls out a drawer. A string
runs from the back of the drawer, up the wall, into the false ceiling, over
to a spot directly over the subject's head, where it triggers the trap: a
mousetrap whose action snaps a card away from its position covering a
funnel, releasing a handful of glitter, which flows down the funnel,
through its spout, through a hole in the ceiling acoustic tile, onto the
subject. It was wonderful to watch: a muffled snapping noise, a quiet
"chuff", and the slow, glittery descent of a cloud of brightly colored
dust, to settle over the head and shoulders of a club member who by now has
assumed an expression of appreciative resignation.

***

Another, more short-lived ploy was to suspend a wooden horseshoe by a
string from the ceiling in the corridor, such that the horseshoe dangles a
couple of inches above the top of an upright broom. Most conventional
brooms will stand on their straws with a little coaxing. We attached a sign
labeling the horseshoe "wood magnet". Quite a few people took it at face
value.

***

I was once in a nice family-style restaurant when I observed some kids
supergluing the dishes to the table. They also attached the silverware,
napkins, salt, pepper, etc. If it wasn't already nailed down, it was now.
They stayed long enough to let the glue set, and then paid and left. They
watched as the poor busboy tried to get the stuff off of the table.

***

Also funny is supergluing a quarter to the sidewalk. I know its old, but in
the city, with the diverse types of people around, it gets really amusing.
I watched this old lady whack at it with her cane for about 10 min. cursing...

***

Seven friends once pulled this at my college cafeteria.

One put a hot water bottle filled with pea soup down his chest; he sat at
the head of a table, with the other six friends sitting along the sides.
When the cafeteria was pretty full of people, he made a loud noise (to
attract attention), stood up, bent over and squeezed his chest. This caused
a huge gush of green liquid to spew all over the table; the other six
immediately began to eat this green liquid. I think a lot of food went
uneaten that night.

***

My roommate was (and is) rather inventive and can be quite nasty. He
buttered all of the toilet seats in our wing of the residence (fortunately
told me first). He also buttered doorknobs at one point.

***

There are, of course, some fairly standard pranks that are pulled in
residence. Typically, people are shafted on their birthday which is
therefore a hazardous date to reveal. Total demolition of a room is quite
common, but lacks any real humor. A common shaft is to remove everything
from the victims room and set it up somewhere else exactly as it was. The
best examples I saw of this were: a room moved to the roof of a science
building, a room moved to the front courtyard of the residence (really
funny when it started to snow!) and a room moved to the dining hall.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 1997 13:48:54 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Leper (off. to lepers, truly revolting)

     This guy goes to a baseball game, orders a hot dog, and sits down
eating it.  Pretty soon, another guy comes over and says: "Do you mind if I
sit here?"
     The first guy says, "no, sit down." "Thanks a lot," says the second
guy, "cause I'm a leper, and a lot of people have a strong aversion to us
lepers."
     "No problem."
     A couple innings go by and the leper looks over at the guy who had
eaten the  hot dog. He has become violently ill, heaving his guts all over
the place.
     "I knew I'd make you sick," says the leper, "I'm gonna leave."
     "No, it's not you," says the guy, "just sit down."
     The leper sits back down.
     A couple more innings pass and the leper looks over to see the guy
still heaving his guts.
     "I know I'm making you sick," says the leper, "I'm gonna leave."
     "No--it's not you.  Just sit back down," the guy says.
     The leper sits back down.
     Ninth inning comes. By this time the guy has dry heaves. The leper
stands up, looks at the guy, and says: "Look, I know I've been making you
sick. Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm gonna bow my head and walk out of
here so you can enjoy the last remaining minutes of this game."
     "No, no, it's not you. Sit down," the guy says.
     So the leper sits back down.
     Finally, the leper says: "Look, if it's not me, I gotta know--what's
been making you sick?"
     "It's the guy behind you," says the other guy, "he keeps dipping his
nachos in your back."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 1997 10:29:11 -0500
From:    Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
Subject: fwd: Deep (ly reformed) religious thoughts <mild religious humor>

"He who gives a coin to the poor is rewarded with six blessings,
but he who makes a pledge to charity receives a free tote bag."
- The Extremely Reform Talmud

"Thou shalt not stand outside the synagogue on the High Holy
Days scalping thy tickets to the services."
- The Extremely Reform Ethics of the Fathers

"Among the beasts of the field, ye shall not eat of them that
are shown mating on The Discovery Channel."
- The Extremely Reform Book of Leviticus

"They shall beat their swords into ploughshares,
And their spears into pruninghooks,
And nation shall not lift up sword against nation,
But instead shall clobber one another with ploughshares and
pruninghooks."
- The Extremely Reform Prophecy of Isaiah


::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
from How to Be an Extremely Reform Jew by David M. Bader
Avon Books, ISBN 0-380-77599-9

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 1997 08:05:56 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Putdown in One Line <inoffensive>

Dorothy Parker, the NY columnist was very famous for her barbs. Here is
Parker at her best:

          She was discussing with a friend a man whom they both knew. Her
friend defended him by saying, "You must admit that he is always courteous
to his inferiors."
          "Where does he find them?" asked Miss Parker.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 1997 11:33:14 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

            Britons Trade In That Stiff Upper Lip -- For Red Nose Day

 LONDON (AP) -- Red Nose Day, an orgy of national silliness when Britons
drop their traditional reserve and clown around in false noses, arrived
Friday aiming to raise at least 22 million pounds ($34 million) for good
causes.

 This year's Red Nose Day is the sixth organized by the Comic Relief
organization since the event was first launched in 1988. The five previous
ones raised 112 pounds ($178 million).

 Proceeds are split between groups like Oxfam and the Save the Children
Fund, and British charities working with alcohol and drug abusers, the
homeless and other groups.

 The cash comes from the sale of millions of red fur and plasti noses by
Comic Relief, from thousands of zany fund-raising stunts sponsored by
individuals around the country and from events featuring big names from
show business.

 Friday's program included an eight-hour Comic Relief extravaganza on BBC
television, with viewers invited to phone in with donations, and a
sponsored fun run through London's business district.

Source: Associated Press (c)

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 1997 16:41:20 -0500
From:    Lord Julus <ionifl@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: THE LAWS Part 3

Sigstad's Law:
        - When your turn comes, the rules change

Wagner's sport rule:
        - When the TV camera will spot a sport star it'll catch him
          scratching in the most intimate parts

Charnock's rule:
        - You don't learn how to curse until you learn how to drive a car

Vole s automobile law:
        - Your own car consumes more oil and gas than anyone else's.

The Vile queues' rule:
        1) When you join a short  queue it'll suddenly became long;
        2) When you wait in a long queue, those behind you will find
           a shorter queue somewhere else
        3) If you are in a short queue, those in front of you will
           bring each at leas two friends.

Conner's second law:
        - If  a document is top secret someone will forget it in the xerox

Strano's law:
        - When everything else doesn't work, try the boss's idea

The classes' laws:
        - The classes program is built so that each student loses
          the maximum time between classes
        - If you have two classes one after another, the classrooms
          are in opposite parts of the building
        - If your next class is in another building, it will rain.

College rules:
        - Just two minutes before the exam the calculator's battery will spill.
        - The exams will always contain subjects not discussed in the class
        - The campus roads are never the shortest ways between two places
        - With five minutes before the break a student will ask a
          question with a ten minutes answer.
        - When a student has his homework perfect done the teacher
          will say: "Today I won't check your homeworks"
        - All the math classes start at 8 AM

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 1997 16:50:06 PST
From:    Benjamin L Dusinberre <dusinberre@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Classifieds <off. to amputees>

Got from another mailing list.

----------------------------------------------

A woman who had been twice married and divorced was fed up.  Her first
husband was violent, and her second husband ran off with another woman.
Plus, she couldn't find a new lover who could satisfy her sexually;
so, she put an ad in the classifieds:

"Wanted:  A good looking, single guy who won't abuse me, won't leave me,
and is good in bed."

About a week later, her doorbell rings.  She opens the door to find a man
with no arms or legs on her front porch.

"I'm here about your ad," he offers.

"You must be mistaken," she begins to reply.

"Let me explain," he interjects.  "I can't beat you, because I don't have
any arms.  I can't run off, because I don't have any legs."

"But," she demands, "how do I know you're good in bed?"

"I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 1997 20:02:18 PST
From:    patrick russell <patrr@OREGONTRAIL.NET>
Subject: Truckers and Skinny Women<offensive to both>

Being a trucker is really a "dog's life": You have to sleep in a box; you
piss on tires; and you spend your day chasing cars.

My girlfriend was so skinny that if she had fallen through her asshole, 
she would have hung herself.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Mar 1997 23:15:56 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Errors in newspaper ad.(misunderstood leading to sexual conclussions)

This is how a typographical error in the classified section of a small-town
newspaper led to a hilarious series of ads to correct the original mistake.

(Monday) "FOR SALE - R. D. Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Phone
486-0707 after 7 p.m. and ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him cheap."

(Tuesday) "NOTICE - We regret having erred in R. D. Jones' ad yesterday. It
should have read: One screwing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 486-0707 and
ask for Mrs. Kelly who lives with him after 7 p.m."

(Wednesday) "NOTICE - R. D. Jones has informed us that he has received
several annoying telephone calls because of the error we made in his
classified ad yesterday. His ad stands correct as follows: FOR SALE - R. D.
Jones has one sewing machine for sale. Cheap. Phone 486-0707 p.m. and ask
for Mrs. Kelly who loves with him."

(Thursday) "NOTICE - I, R. D. Jones, have NO sewing machine for sale. I
SMASHED IT. Don't call 486-0707, as the telephone has been disconnected. I
have NOT been carrying on with Mrs. Kelly. Until yesterday she was my
housekeeper, but she quit."

____________________________________________

http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

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End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Mar 1997 to 16 Mar 1997
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