HUMOR Digest - 14 Mar 1997 to 15 Mar 1997
There are 23 messages totalling 998 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Parrot joke <clean>
  2. FW: News of the Weird but True (not off)
  3. Bug story
  4. The Dog (Mildly off. to Italian immigrants)
  5. Various (sexual themes)
  6. Stupid criminals (non-offensive)
  7. Condom humor
  8. WHY MEN SHOULD BE BUILT BY FUJI. . .<off. to men>
  9. Things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say: (part 1 of 2)
 10. Another Parrot Joke <clean>
 11. Stupid People Tricks <not off.>
 12. The Bus Conversation (poss. off. to immigrants)
 13. Religious humor, may be offensive to RC priests and rabbis
 14. IBM revolution reaches Zaire Bantu tribe
 15. Adult humor
 16. If Microsoft Was Based Out of Georgia <off. to people livin' in the south>
 17. THE LAWS Part II (2)
 18. The Graffitti Collector (clean, true?)
 19. repeat postings
 20. A letter from Barbie (offensive to Mattel top execs?)
 21. Moderation in Words <inoffensove>
 22. Shoe Shopping

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 06:28:00 PST
From:    "Hardwork has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now"
         <JD@THEPENTAGON.COM>
Subject: Parrot joke <clean>

I just recalled the following joke. It was posted a long time ago so the credit
goes to whoever posted it earlier.

A man enters a pet shop to buy a parrot for himself. The manager takes him to an old bird which has been well trained to sing Dixie and Jingle Bells.

Manager: You see the two strings attached to his feet? Well if you pull the left one, the parrot will sing Dixie and if you pull the right one the parrot will sing Jingle Bells.
Man: What happens when I pull both strings?
Parrot: I FALL ON MY TAIL STUPID !!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 10:05:44 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <JBRENTS@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: FW: News of the Weird but True (not off)

         "NEWS OF THE WEIRD (but True)"

    Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old
    man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two
    (counterfeit) $16 bills.
          ____________________________
    A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old
    friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two
    practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
          _____________________________
    A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety
    record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use
    of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial
    Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial
    accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered
    minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room.
    Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches
    after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the
    film.
          ____________________________
    The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
    weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within
    city limits.
          ____________________________
    A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis,
    but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen
    pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of
    whiplash injuries and back pain.
          ____________________________
    Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on
    a book about Swedish economic solutions.  He took the
    250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to
    50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the
    copier with the shredder.
         _____________________________
    A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few
    days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for
    robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich.  She needed to
    see him, and thus had him paged.  Police officers recognized
    his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in
    a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
          _____________________________
    Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
    placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
    wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
    placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each
    time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
    Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
    confessed.
          _____________________________
    When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan,
    refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the
    man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the
    robber called the police and was arrested.
    ____________________________
    A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking,"
    stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an
    officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 1997 09:01:00 GMT
From:    Andrew J Rawstron <Andrew.J.Rawstron@GB.NALEXX.INFONET.COM>
Subject: Bug story

     Forwarded to me by Daryl Hale

     A man was sat at home one night when there was a loud knock at the
     door. The man answers angrily to find a 6 ft stag beetle standing at
     the doorstep. "What the **** is this?" he shouts, at which time the
     beetle launches into a frenzied and vicious attack in a flurry of
     kicks and punches - then leaves.

     The man crawls into his house and calls an ambulance, but is naturally
     not keen to reveal the truth behind his injuries. Finally, one day he
     tells a doctor, but surprisingly, the doctor believes him and is
     sympathetic, "i understand," he says, "there is a nasty bug going
     around at the moment..."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 1997 12:07:23 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Dog (Mildly off. to Italian immigrants)

Mario and Luigi are two new immigrants to the USA. (Landed in N.Y., the
beachhead par excellence of the Italian invasion).
On their first Sunday, they get into Times Square and see a food
stand with a sign "Hot Dogs".
(The following conversation is translated from Italian):
Mario: "Hey, have you seen that? Do they eat dogs in this Country?"
Luigi: "Looks like it..."
Mario: "I guess we should try it. You know, when in Rome..."
Luigi: "But we are in New York!"
Mario: "Figure of speech, cretino. C'mon, let's go and try this food"
So they go over to the Hot Dog stand, order their food, which is put
into two paper bags and then go and sit on a bench.
Once seated, Mario opens his bag, peers inside, pulls a face, turns
to Luigi and asks: "Which part of the dog did you get?"
---------------------------------------------------

Q. How do you recognize an intellectual Mafioso?
A. He makes you an offer that you cannot understand.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 1997 12:42:28 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Various (sexual themes)

The Holiday Plan
     There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to
spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day
they came with an idea -- each time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill
into piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for
about a year. After that time, they decided that there is enough money for
their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank. The husband looked at their
savings and said:
     "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But
here we have many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills."
     The wife replied:
     "Do you think that everybody is as stingy as you are?"
--------------------
Lil' Johnny
     Late one night, little Johnny woke up to the some loud noises coming
from his parents' bedroom. He got out of bed and walked down the hall
towards his parents room. Before he made it to the end of the hall, the
noises had ceased and the bathroom light had gone on. Little Johnny walked
into the bathroom and saw his father removing a used condom.
     "Daddy, what are you doing?" asked little Johnny.
     His father looked around nervously wondering what he could tell his son.
     I, um, I'm just checking out the bathroom for mice." replied his father.
     Johnny looked at his father with a gaze of confusion and said, "Well,
what are you doing? Fucking them?"
--------------------
     Little Johnny comes home from school with a note from his teacher,
indicating that "Johnny seems to be having some difficulty with the
differences between boys and girls," and would his mother, "please sit down
and have a talk with Johnny about this."
     So Johnny's mother takes him quietly, by the hand, upstairs to her
bedroom, and closes the door.
     - First, Johnny, I want you to take off my blouse...
     so he unbuttons her blouse and takes it off.
     - Ok, now take off my skirt...
     and he takes off her skirt.
     - Now take off my bra...
     which he does.
     - And now, Johnny, please take off my panties.
     and when Johnny finishes removing those, she says,
     "Johnny, PLEASE don't wear any of my clothes to school any more!"
--------------------
     After the plane reached cruising altitude, the plane's captain came on
the intercom with the usual announcement welcoming the passengers, giving
their cruising altitude and speed, and estimating arrival time. Not knowing
the  microphone button had stuck, the captain turned to his co-pilot and said,
     "I think I'II go take a shit and f*** that new stewardess."
     Naturally, everybody on the plane heard. As one of the stewardesses ran
forward to inform the captain, an old lady grabbed her arm and said,
     "No need to rush, dearie. He said he was going to take a shit first."
-----
(all courtesy of the Giggles List)

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 1997 12:34:07 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Stupid criminals (non-offensive)

     From a friend - no idea if they are true or not.

A supposedly true story from Orange County:

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with
him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party the police pull him over for weaving and
ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the
police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house
just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they
will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets
there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who
might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed
all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives
there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that
his is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his
driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist
on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door
where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.

This is allegedly a true story, told by the driver at his first AA
meeting, according to the newspaper account.

------------------------------------

>From Herb Caen's column in the San Francisco Chronicle:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead
of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several
days later, he received a letter from the police department that
contained another picture - of handcuffs.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 10:26:52 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Condom humor

Two little old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them
was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so she reached
into her purse and pulled out a condom, cut off the tip and
slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, now that's a good idea!
What's that your putting over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette
told her friend that she could purchase them at a pharmacy.

When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all
the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if
he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little
surprised that this little old lady was interested in condoms.
He asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a moment and said, "One that will fit
a Camel."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 1997 23:31:19 -0500
From:    Michelle Montee <MichMontee@AOL.COM>
Subject: WHY MEN SHOULD BE BUILT BY FUJI. . .<off. to men>

     WHY MEN SHOULD BE BUILT BY FUJI. . .

 - They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used;
 - You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot;
 - They last longer and come with a warranty;
 - You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if
   not satisfied with no risks or hassle;
 - They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it;
 - They come in fashion colors;
 - You can keep them in maximum zoom;
 - They come with replacable or adjustable parts;
 - The parts that counts are portable;
 - They don't mind over-exposure;
 - They respond to the slightest touch;
 - The one you want is available at a KMART near you;

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 1997 12:00:21 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say: (part 1 of 2)

 1. Uh-oh...
 2. Oh S***!
 3. What the heck?!?
 4. Go get your backup tape.  (You DO have a backup tape?)
 5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
 6. Wow!!  Look at this...
 7. Hey!!  The Suns don't do this.
 8. Terminated?!?
 9. What software license?
10. Well, it's doing SOMETHING...
11. Wow...that seemed fast...
12. I got a better job at Lockheed...
13. Management says...
14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.
15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
16. It didn't do that a minute ago...
17. Where's the GUI on this thing?
18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...
19. Where's the DIR command?
20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.
22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
23. Do you smell something?
24. What's that grinding sound?
25. I have never seen it do THAT before...
26. I don't think it should be doing that...
27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
28. You might as well all go home early today...
29. My leave starts tomorrow.
30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
32. Why is my "rm -r *" taking so long?"
33. Hmmm, curious...
34. Well, MY files were backed up.
35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
36. What do you mean /home was on that disk?  I umounted it!
37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I killed
    your job.
39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs.
    Is that a  problem to you?
40. We're standardizing on AIX.
41. Wonder what THIS command does?
42. What did you say your (1)user name was...?

___________________________________________

http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 10:38:01 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Another Parrot Joke <clean>

     So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a
   sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
   without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a
   quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him
   crazy.  One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by
   the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"  But this
   just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.  Then the guy
   gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen
   cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches,
   and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a
   stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

     At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the
   freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird
   kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.  At
   first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird
   may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried
   that he opens up the freezer door.

     The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,
   "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to
   improve my vocabulary from now on."

     The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has
   come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the
   chicken do?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 00:04:23 -0500
From:    Michelle Montee <MichMontee@AOL.COM>
Subject: Stupid People Tricks <not off.>

If stupidity is relative, all you guys can relax a little...


Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel
after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face,
seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each
other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its
workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job.
According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory
industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor
injuries in their rush to leave the screening room.  Thirteen others fainted,
and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair
while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting
a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time
police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had
begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about
Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied,
only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker
confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out
for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged.  Police
officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the
courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
 Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over
the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police.
They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a
steamroller and led police on a 5 MPH chase until an officer stepped aboard
and brought the vehicle to a stop.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 11:28:32 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Bus Conversation (poss. off. to immigrants)

This was told to me by L. Wyant of MI... a cool joke about Mississippi and
immigrants...

A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and
engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but her attention is drawn when she hears one of the
men saying:

"Emma comma first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I comma again.
Two asses, they comma together again. I den pee twice. Den I comma once more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorts the lady indignantly. "In this country we
don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, calma-down lady," said the man, "I was only tella my frien' here how
to spella Mississippi."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 1997 11:30:32 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: Religious humor, may be offensive to RC priests and rabbis

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue
across the street from each other. Since their schedules
intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the
purchase, they drove it home and parked in on the street
between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest
sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he
ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing
it," the priest replied.

The rabbi considered this a moment, then said, "Oh," and ran
back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later
with a hacksaw, ran to the back of the car and cut off the last
two inches of the tailpipe.
><><><><><><><>

Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
Rev. Cheese - Winnebago, MN

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 1997 00:38:51 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: IBM revolution reaches Zaire Bantu tribe

         In a move IBM offices are hailing as a major step in the company's
ongoing worldwide telecommunications revolution, M'wana Ndeti, a member of
Zaire's Bantu tribe, used an IBM global uplink network modem yesterday to
crush a nut.

         Ndeti, who spent twenty minutes trying to open the nut by hand, easily
cracked it open by smashing it repeatedly with the powerful modem. "I could
not crush the nut by myself," said the forty-seven-year-old Ndeti, who
added the savory nut to a thick, peanut-based soup minutes later. "With
IBM's help, I was able to break it."

         Ndeti discovered the nut-breaking, 28.8 V.34 modem yesterday, when IBM
was shooting a commercial in his southwestern Zaire village. During a break
in shooting, which shows African villagers eagerly teleconferencing via
computer with Japanese schoolchildren, Ndeti snuck onto the set and took
the modem, which he believed would serve well as a "smashing" utensil. IBM
officials were not surprised the longtime computer giant was able to
provide Ndeti with practical solutions to his everyday problems. "Our
telecommunications systems offer people all over the world global
networking solutions that fit their specific needs," said Herbert Ross,
IBM's director of marketing. "Whether you're a nun cloistered in an Italian
abbey or an Aborigine in Australia's Great Sandy Desert, IBM has the ideas
to get you where you want to go today."

         According to Ndeti, of the modem's many powerful features, most
impressive was its hard plastic casing, which easily sustained several
minutes of vigorous pounding against a large stone. "I put the nut on a
rock, and I hit it with the modem," Ndeti said. "The modem did not break.
It is a good modem."

         Ndeti was so impressed with the modem that he purchased a new,
state-of-the-art IBM workstation, complete with a PowerPC 601
microprocessor, a quad-speed internal CD-ROM drive and three 16-bit
ethernet networking connectors. The tribesman has already made good use of
the computer system, fashioning a gazelle trap out of its wires, a boat
anchor out of the monitor and a crude but effective weapon from its mouse.

         "This is a good computer," said Ndeti, carving up a just-captured gazelle with the computer's flat, sharp internal processing device. "I am using
every part of it. I will cook this gazelle on the keyboard." Hours later,
Ndeti capped off his delicious gazelle dinner by smoking the computer's two
hundred-page owner's manual.

         IBM spokespeople praised Ndeti's choice of computers. "We are pleased
that the Bantu people are turning to IBM for their business needs," said
company CEO William Allaire. "From Kansas City to Kinshasa, IBM is bringing
the world closer together. Our cutting-edge technology is truly creating a
global village.

____________________________________________

http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 1997 09:17:28 -0800
From:    Ralph Walter Lewis <ralphwl@HOTMAIL.COM>
Subject: Adult humor

This guy and girl are making out in the back seat of the car, and things are
getting pretty hot and heavy.  'Put your finger inside me,' she asks, and he's
only too happy to oblige. 'Put another finger inside me,' she orders, moaning
in pleasure. 'Put your whole hand inside me.' 'Put both hands indide me.'  'Now
clap.' 'I can't!' the guy protests.  'Tight, huh?' she smiles.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 1997 12:37:06 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: If Microsoft Was Based Out of Georgia <off. to people livin' in the
         south>

* Their #1 product would be Microsoft Winders
* Instead of an hourglass icon you'd get an empty beer bottle
* Occasionally you'd bring up a window that was covered with a Hefty bag
* Dialog boxes would give you the choice of "Ahh-ight" or "Naw"
* Instead of "Ta-Da!", the opening sound would be Dueling Banjos
* The "Recycle Bin" in Winders '95 would be an outhouse
* Whenever you pulled up the Sound Player you'd hear a digitized drunk
  redneck yelling "Freebird!"
* Instead of "Start Me Up", the Winders '95 theme song would be
  Achy-Breaky Heart
* PowerPoint would be named "ParPawnt"
* Microsoft's programming tools would be "Vishul Basic" and "Vishul C++"
* Winders 95 logo would incorporate the Confederate Flag
* Microsoft Word would be just that: one word
* New Shutdown WAV: "Y'all come back now!"
* Instead of VP, Microsoft big shots would be called "Cuz"
* Hardware could be repaired using parts from an old Trans Am
* Microsoft Office replaced with Micr'sawft Henhouse
* Four words: Daisy Dukes Screen Saver
* Well, the first thing you know, old Bill's a billionaire...
* Speadsheet software would include examples to inventory dead cars in
  your front yard
* Flight Simulator replaced by Tractor pull Simulator
* Microsoft CEO: Bubba Gates
* Instead of computer golf, the game of choice would be:
        a. Interactive WWF Rasslin' (That's wrestling for you
           culturally deprived types)
        b. Beer bottle toss at roadsigns
        c. Mud Boggin'
        d. 'Bacca spittin' at insects
* Instead of MS `virus scan` it would be MS `Cooties (Lice) Rinse`
* Not `config.sys` and 'autoexec.bat"-- but `conjugate w/sis` and
  autoparts.bunch`
* Instead of error tones misstruck keys would be met with sound of
  `Aww Sheeit`
* Solitare would offer choice of `number of players`
* Icon for mail trashcan shaped like a Dipsey Dumpster.
* All shapes in Tetris would be same-sized squares.
* Favorite adult www homepage would involve pictures of `sexy` farm animals.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 1997 13:09:12 -0500
From:    Lord Julus <ionifl@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: THE LAWS Part II

Boling's Postulate:
        - If you re feeling good, don t worry, it will pass.

Hoffer's Law:
        - When people are free to do what they want they usually
        imitate one another.

Barauch's Law:
        - If all you ve got is a hammer, all the objects around look
        like nails.

Kovac's Law:
        - When you dial a wrong number, the line is never busy

Farnsdicai's observation:
        - After things went from bad to worse, the cycle will repeat

Hellrung's Law:
        - If you expect something, it will disapear

Grossman's Law:
        - Complex problems have answers that are easy to discover
        and understand, but wrong.

Flugg's Law:
        - When you have to knock on wood, you notice that there s
        only iron and leather around.

Boob's Rule:
        - You always find what you are searching for in the last
        place that you look.

Maryann's Law:
        - You always find what you are NOT looking for.

The Shop Rule:
        - The object you want to buy will be taken by the person in
        front of you.

Witten's Law:
        - Every time you cut your nails, two hours after you'll have
        to do something that requires nails.

The letter's law:
        - You always remember the most important part of a letter
        after you mailed it.

The Photographer's Laws:
        - The best photo opportunities come up after the film role
          is over.
        - The other good photos are always taken with the
          cover on.
        - The last acceptable photos will be destroyed when
          someone will open the door of the dark room while you are working.

The exchange axiom of Angus:
        - When you are abroad, the exchange rate gets better the
          next day after you changed your money
        - When you come home the exchange rate always gets worse
          when you change back the unused money.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 1997 11:21:51 -0800
From:    Susan Grace <sgrace@POSTMAN.NCUBE.COM>
Subject: The Graffitti Collector (clean, true?)

The recent post about "American Flatulators" reminded me
of this story, which is purported to be true.


The Graffitti Collector

Some 30 (or more) years ago, there was a retired
professor who lived in London. His hobby was collecting
interesting graffitti. He copied plain verbal specimens
into a notebook, but he preferred to capture artistic
efforts on film.

One day, he made a prime find in a men's room stall at
a tube station. His flat was nearby, so he hurried home
to get his camera. Since the loo was rather dimly lit,
he decided to bring a tripod and flash. But realizing the
attendent might be suspicious of a man setting up a camera
and tripod in the lavatory, he thought it wise to hide
his equipment. He put the camera and flash in a bag and
put the tripod down his pant leg. This gave him a rather
distinguished-looking limp, but he could still get around
easily.

He returned to the stall and set up his camera. Now, this
was before the days of electronic flash attachments, in
fact, he didn't even have flash bulbs. No, he was using
an old-fashioned magnesium flare.

When he clicked the shutter, there was a *loud* FWHOOF!,
a blinding flash of light, and a huge cloud of smoke that
rolled under the door of the stall! As he hastily packed
up and put the tripod down his pant leg, the washroom
attendent appeared and began pounding on the door and
shouting "Sir! Sir! Are you all right?"

The professor limped out (in a cloud of smoke), drew
himself up to his full height, and said with icy dignity,
"Of course I'm all right. It often takes me this way."


Susan Arrow Grace
... on the 'Net since '81
 Beaverton, OR 

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 1997 15:29:51 -0500
From:    Pete Flynn <Eddvedr@AOL.COM>
Subject: repeat postings

	[Post deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 1997 17:00:58 EST
From:    Bo Peng <bpeng@LEHMAN.COM>
Subject: Re: THE LAWS Part II

Just to add a few...

On search algorithm:
The right key is always the last one you try.

On evasive manuveur strategy in arial combat:
The fly lands in one the following three places:
1. a place beyond your reach.
2. a delicate and treasured piece of fixture.
3. a sensitive part of your body.

On evasive manuveur in surface combat:
The itch remains 1/8 inch away from your finger. When under simultaneous
attacks everywhere, go under the skin and stay there.

On urology:
The last three drops remain, no matter how hard you shake, until you
tuck it back in your pants.
(borrowed from an earlier post)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 1997 17:34:13 -0500
From:    Helen Hobson <hobie@PATRIOT.NET>
Subject: A letter from Barbie (offensive to Mattel top execs?)

(I just received this from another humor list & just had to share it with
you.)

*************************
A Letter From Barbie
*************************
Chief Executive Officer
Mattel, Inc.
El Segundo, CA

Dear Sir,

Listen you little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at
being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid
weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate
to break it to ya, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME!  There had better be
some changes around here this year, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide
meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it).

So, here's my 1997 resolution/wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized
   sweatshirt.  I'm sick of looking like a hooker.  How much smaller
   are these bathing suits gonna get?  Do you have any idea what it
   feels like to have nylon and velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off.  Preferably
   white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation
   underwear to my skin?!?  It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe GI Joe.  Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over
   that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend, Ken.  And what's with that
   earring anyway?  If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least
   make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned
   Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery.  I don't care whose arm you have to
   twist, just get it done.

6. A sports bra.  To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career.  Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about
   a systems analyst?  Or better yet, an advertising account exec!

8. A new, more 90s persona.  Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a
   miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a
   bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun,
   outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking
   Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with
   several packs of gum.

9.  No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years--I think I deserve it.

Ok, Mr CEO, that's it.  Considering my valuable contribution to
society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you
disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next
Christmas.  It's that simple.

Yours truly,

Barbie
Dreamhouse
Malibu, CA


adams.patriot.net/~hobie -  Hobie's - my corner of the web

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 1997 14:58:12 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Moderation in Words <inoffensove>

          Back in the ancient days before e-mail, people used to send
messages by what they quaintly called a telegram. Charges were by the word,
regardless of the length of the word.
         An infatuated young man was sending a message to his girlfriend.
The message read: "Oozie loves Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie Woozie"
          "You  can have up to 9 words for the same rate", said the Western
Union telegraph operator.  "Why not add another "Woozie"; it won't cost you
any more."
          "No, thanks," replied the young man. "I think that would sound
rather silly."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Mar 1997 18:39:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Shoe Shopping

WARNING: May be offensive to Irish.

Paddy happens to be passing a shoe shop in Dublin one day, and in the
window he spots a pair of shoes.  He likes them, so he enters the shop
and asks the assistant, "How much are dem shoes in de window, fella?"

"Those are 500 pounds, sir," replies the assistant.

"Begorrah!" exclaims Paddy, "Dats an awful lot for a pair of shoes."

"Well, sir, they are crocodile shoes, very rare," says the assistant.

Paddy certainly can't afford 500 pounds for a pair of shoes so he
leaves the shop and goes home.  He tells his brother, Mick, about the
shoes, and Mick has a brilliant idea:  "Sure, Paddy, and we should go
to Africa and hunt crocodiles and we'd make us a fortune, sure enough!"

Paddy is very impressed with this idea, so off they both go to Africa
and they hire a guide to show them to the most crocodile-infested river.

They make camp and Mick says to Paddy, "Tell you what, Paddy, you
start hunting the crocodiles, I'll go back to town to find us a
truck."  So off Mick goes, back to town with the guide leaving Paddy
to get on with the tricky task of hunting the crocodiles.

A couple of weeks later, Mick has pretty much drained the town of all
available bottles of whisky and is running low on cash, so he decides
to go back to the camp and see how his brother Paddy is getting on.

As he pulls into the camp in the truck, he sees crocodiles everywhere,
stacked in huge piles by the hut, stacked along the riverbank,
hundreds and hundreds of crocodiles.

He jumps out of the truck and goes in search of Paddy, and just then
there's a commotion in the river, loads of splashing, and Paddy comes
to the surface clinging onto a huge crocodile which he wrestles to the
shore then clubs to death.

"How's it going, there, Paddy?" asks Mick.

"Terrible," replies Paddy, "in fact I've caught about a tousand of
dese tings and I've still not found one of dem wearing shoes!"

----
Abstain from wine, women, and song; mostly song

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Mar 1997 to 15 Mar 1997
************************************************
