HUMOR Digest - 13 Mar 1997 to 14 Mar 1997
There are 16 messages totalling 723 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. New animal (offensive to investigators)
  2. Kan't Spell! <Inoffensive>
  3. Irish homosexual jokes <mildly offensive to homosexuals/Irish>
  4. 10 Ways to Make Your Neighbors Move (clean)
  5. costume party <adult theme>
  6. PHILOSOPHIES
  7. STOP sign at the crossing (Part1)
  8. Memories are made of this ...<off. to ... oh ...forgotten>
  9. Short stories
 10. Three engineers <offensive to Microsoft>
 11. Contact lens emergency.
 12. THE BEER BILL OF RIGHTS
 13. Jokes about women (offensive to women)
 14. Some philosophical thoughts(not off)
 15. MIKE AND THE GOLDEN LATRINE <CRUDE LANGUAGE>
 16. THE LAWS Part I

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 11:02:23 UTC+0100
From:    Miquel Turne <turne@ES.ETSAV.UPC.ES>
Subject: New animal (offensive to investigators)

You know something, the investigators have created an hermafrodite. They
created a woman with pussy and brain.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 05:36:16 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Kan't Spell! <Inoffensive>

The following were taken from high school or college graduate's papers:

The Indians live very froogley.

My mother comes from Pencil vanea.

My home life is all mestup.

My admiration for you can be taken for granite.

This is the first perigraff I have written on this subject, surprizing le
enought.

The stewdress served cocktails.

He was a member of the notor republic.

I am feeling very angches about the outcome of the exam.

We don't care enough about nateral fenominum.

That's the way it supostube.

Whorship in the modern Church.

Although our societies are formed by man, he isn't able to flunksuate with
it's pace.

As a catholic priest one spends most of his time teaching, praying, giving
sermons, and absorbing sins given out by daily confessors.

The West's women's doubles team brought the team back from a four-game deficate.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 08:45:37 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Irish homosexual jokes <mildly offensive to homosexuals/Irish>

Did you hear about the gay Irishman?

He prefered women to liquor!

=====================

Did you hear about the gay Irish couple?

Michael Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzmichael

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 15:59:42 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: 10 Ways to Make Your Neighbors Move (clean)

1. Order pizza and other food to their house and pick it up at their
   doorstep claiming that you don't have a phone.
2. Stand over the plants in your yard with a hose and Scream, "I have your
   life in my hands, bow down to me!".  Then point at each one and declare
   them good or bad plants,while watering the bad ones.
3. Bring them restraining orders on inanimate objects in their house. (ie:
   chairs, books, lamps, etc.)
4. Ask them if you can put your trash in their cans, if they ask why say,
   "Mine are full of bodies", then stutter and say, "I uh mean other garbage."
    Walk away laughing hysterically.
5. Patrol the perimeter of your yard while carrying a broom.  If they come
   close state that their is a 3 foot neutral area between the two yards.
6. At night transplant the plants in their garden.  In the morning say ,
   "looks like they're on the move again."
7. When they're watching TV, pull a lawn chair behind their window. Sit
   down with popcorn and a dink and ask them if they could open a window
   so you can hear too.
8. Build snowmen with name tags of your neighbours.  Each day hack off a
   different part of their body.
9. Use your TV remote to change the channels on their TV from outside.  If
   asked why, say you protest such programs. (The more educational the
   program the better.)
10. Dig shallow graves at night filling your yard with brown grave
    patches.  Make markers out of household appliances.

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town. 

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 08:30:32 -0500
From:    Ross Stocks <ROSS.STOCKS.PSD36651@NT.COM>
Subject: costume party <adult theme>

And then there was the fellow who went to a masquerade
party totally naked except that he had a potato(e?)
stuck on his penis.  He was masquerading as a dictator.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 09:50:43 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: PHILOSOPHIES

                 PHILOSOPHIES  by Skip

 *  If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
 *  A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
 *  Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
 *  For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
 *  He who hesitates is probably right.
 *  Never do card tricks for the group you play poker with.
 *  No one is listening until you make a mistake.
 *  Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
 *  The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
 *  The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
 *  The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
 *  To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many
    is research.
 *  To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your
    principles.
 *  Two wrongs are only the beginning.
 *  Work is accomplished by those employees who have not reached
    their level of incompetence.
 *  The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
 *  Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
 *  The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
 *  The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlight of an
    approaching train.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 14:57:59 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: STOP sign at the crossing (Part1)

What would you do if traveling to work and sees a STOP sign?
1. A post modernist de constructs the sign (i.e., he knocks it over with
   his car), thus ending forever the tyranny of the north-south traffic
   over the east-west traffic.
2. A Marxist sees a stop sign as an instrument of class conflict. He
   concludes that the bourgeoisie use the north-south road and obstruct the
   progress of the workers on the east-west road.
3. A serious and educated Catholic believes that he cannot understand
   the stop sign apart from its interpretive community and their tradition.
   Observing that the interpretive community doesn't take it too seriously,
   he doesn't feel obligated to take it too seriously either.
4. An average Catholic (or Orthodox or Coptic or Anglican or Methodist
   or Presbyterian or whatever) doesn't bother to read the sign but he'll
   stop if the car in front of him does.
5. A fundamentalist, taking the text very literally, stops at the stop
   sign and then waits for it to tell him to go.
6. A preacher might look up "STOP" in his lexicons of English and
   discover that it can mean either: 1) something which prevents motion,
   such as a plug for a drain, or a block of wood that prevents a door from
   closing; or 2) a location where a train or bus lets off passengers. The
   main point of his sermon the following Sunday on this text is: when you
   see a stop sign, it is a place where traffic is naturally clogged, so it
   is a good place to let off passengers from your car.
7. An Orthodox Jew does one of two things: A) Take another route to
   work that doesn't have a stop sign so that he doesn't run the risk of
   disobeying the halachah, or B) Stop at the stop sign, say "Blessed art
   thou, O Lord our God, king of the universe, who hast given us thy
   commandment to stop," wait 3 seconds according to his watch, and then
   proceed. Incidentally, the Talmud has the following comments on this
   passage: R[abbi] Meir says: He who doesn't stop shall not live long. R.
   Hillel says: Cursed is he who does not count to three before proceeding.
   R. Simon ben Yudah says: Why three? Because the Holy One, blessed be He,
   gave us the Law, the Prophets, and the Writings. R. ben Isaac says:
   Because of the three patriarchs. R. Yehuda says: Why bless the Lord
   at a stop sign? Because it says: "Be still, and know that I am God."
   R.Hezekiel says: When Jephthah returned from defeating the Ammonites,the
   Holy One, blessed be He, knew that a donkey would run out of the house
   and overtake his daughter; but Jephthah did not stop at the stop sign,
   and the donkey did not have time to come out. For this reason he saw his
   daughter first and lost her. Thus he was judged for his transgression at
   the stop sign. R. Gamaliel says: R. Hillel, when he was a baby, never
   spoke a word, though his parents tried to teach him by speaking and
   showing him the words on a scroll. One day his father was driving
   through town and did not stop at the sign. Young Hillel called out:
   "Stop, father!"  In this way, he began reading and speaking at the same
   time. Thus it is written:  "Out of the mouth of babes." R. ben Jacob
   says: Where did the stop sign come from? Out of the sky, for it is
   written: "Forever, O Lord, your word is fixed in the heavens." R. ben
   Nathan says: When were stop signs created? On the fourth day, for it is
   written: "let them serve as signs."  But R. Yehoshua says: ...
   (continues for three more pages...)
8. A Haredi [ultra-Orthodox "black hat" Jew] does the same thing as an
   Orthodox Jew, except that he waits 10 seconds instead of 3. He also
   replaces his brake lights with 1000 watt searchlights and connects his
   horn so that it is activated whenever he touches the brake pedal.
9. A Breslover Hasidic Jew sees the sign and makes his boddidus (a form
   of spontaneous personal prayer) saying: "Robono Shel Olam [Master of the
   Universe] -- here I am, traveling on the road in Your service, and I'm
   about to face who knows what danger at this intersection in my life. So
   please watch over me and help me to get through this stop sign safely."
   Then, "looking neither to left nor right" as Rebbe Nachman advises, he
   joyfully accepts the challenge, remains focused on his goal -- even if
   the car rolls backward for a moment -- then he hits the gas pedal and
   forges bravely forward, overcoming all obstacles which the yetzer hara
   [evil inclination] might put in his path.
10. A Lubovitcher Hasidic Jew stops at the sign and reads it very
    carefully in the light of the Rebbe's teachings.  (In former times he
    would have used his cell phone to call Brooklyn and speak to the Rebbe
    personally for advice, but this is no longer possible, may the Rebbe
    rest in peace.)  Next, he gets out of the car and sets up a roadside
    mitzvah mobile [outreach booth], taking this opportunity to ask other
    Jewish drivers who stop at the sign whether or not they have put on
    tefillil today [male ritual] or whether they light Shabbos candles
    [female ritual].  Having now settled there, he steadfastly refuses to
    give up a single inch of the land he occupies until  Moschiach
    [the jewish Messiah] comes.
11. A Reform Jew sees the stop sign, and coasts up to it while
    contemplating the question "Do I personally feel commanded to stop?"
    During this internal process he edges into the intersection and is hit
    from behind by a car driven by a secular Jew who ignored the sign
    completely.
12. A Conservative Jew reacts by calling his rabbi and asking him
    whether stopping at this sign is required by unanimous ruling of the
    Commission on Jewish Law or if there is a minority position. While
    waiting for the rabbi's answer he is ticketed by a policeman for
    obstructing traffic.
13. A Reconstructionist Jew, seeing the stop sign, might say: First,
    this sign is part of our evolving civilization and therefore I must
    honor it and stop. On the other hand, since its origins are in the past,
    I must assert that "the past has a vote and not a veto," and therefore I
    must study the issue carefully and decide if the argument "to stop" is
    spiritually, intellectually and culturally compelling enough to convince
    me to stop. If yes, I will vote with the past. If not, I will veto it.
    Finally, is there any way that I can re-value or trans-value the stop
    sign's message for our own time?
14. The Renewal-Movement-Jew meditates on whether the STOP sign applies
    in all kabbalistic Four Worlds [Body-Emotion- Mind-Spirit] or only in
    some of them, and if so which ones?  Must he stop feeling?  thinking?
    being? driving? Since he has stopped to breathe and meditate on this
    question, he is quite safe while he does so, barukh HaShem.  [Praise
    G-d.]
15. A scholar from the Jesus seminar concludes that the passage "STOP"
    undoubtedly was never uttered by Jesus himself, but belongs entirely to
    stage III of the Gospel tradition, when the church was first confronted
    by traffic in its parking lot.
16. A NT scholar notices that there is no stop sign on Mark Street but
    there is one on Matthew and Luke streets, and concludes that the ones on
    Luke and Matthew streets are both copied from a sign on a completely
    hypothetical street called "Q". There is an excellent 300 page
    discussion of speculations on the origin of these stop signs and the
    differences between the stop signs on Matthew and Luke street in the
    scholar's commentary on the passage. There is an unfortunate omission in
    the commentary, however: the author apparently forgot to explain what
    the text means.
17. An OT scholar points out that there are a number of stylistic
    differences between the first and second half of the passage "STOP".
    For example, "ST" contains no enclosed areas and 5 line endings, whereas
    "OP" contains two enclosed areas and only one line termination. He
    concludes that the author for the second part is different from the
    author for the first part and probably lived hundreds of years later.
    Later scholars determine that the second half is itself actually written
    by two separate authors because of similar stylistic differences between
    the "O" and the "P".
18. Another prominent OT scholar notes in his commentary that the stop
    sign would fit better into the context three streets back.
    (Unfortunately, he neglected to explain why in his commentary.) Clearly
    it was moved to its present location by a later redactor. He thus
    exegetes the intersection as though the stop sign were not there.
19. Because of the difficulties in interpretation, another OT scholar
    amends the text, changing "T" to "H". "SHOP" is much easier to
    understand in context than "STOP" because of the multiplicity of stores
    in the area. The textual corruption probably occurred because "SHOP" is
    so similar to "STOP" on the sign several streets back that it is a
    natural mistake for a scribe to make. Thus the sign should be
    interpreted to announce the existence of a shopping area.
20. A feminist scholar notes that all commentary refers to "he" and
    concludes she is thus exempt, so she runs the sign and is killed.
21. A radical feminist, observing what happened to the first feminist,
    concludes this is a misogynist plot to get all feminists killed by
    inciting them to run stop signs.  So she gets out of the car and stages
    a protest against the inherent sexism in all traffic signs.
22. An observant Orthodox Jewish woman concludes that she is not allowed
    to observe the mitzvah [commandment] of stopping because she is niddah
    [menstruant].  This is a dilemma, because the stop sign is located on
    the way to the mikvah [ritual purification pool]. She refers the dilemma
    to all the Rabbinical scholars, who shrug.
23. A feminist Jewish woman sees this as a sign from the Shekhinah
    [feminine aspect of G-d) that translates roughly "enough already...."

Have a peaceful and prosperous day.

http://www.smart1.net/aditya
Thought of the day:
        We usually see only the things we are looking for-
        so much so that we sometimes see them where they are not.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 16:02:40 +0100
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: Memories are made of this ...<off. to ... oh ...forgotten>

'Doc, I suffer from a terrible amnesia.'
'Since when ?'
'Since when what ?'

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 10:10:25 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Short stories

Very short books -
  1.  A study of Arab Democracies
  2.  A journey through the mind of Dennis Rodman
  3.  Career opportunities for History majors
  4.  Contraception by Pope John Paul II
  5.  Detroit - A Travel Guide
  6.  Easy UNIX
  7.  Tasty bile recipies
  8.  The Amish phone book
  9.  Bob Dole - The Wild Years
  10. Mike Tyson's guide to Dating Etiquette

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 11:45:44 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Three engineers <offensive to Microsoft>

Three engineers are riding down the road in a car. Suddenly, the car begins
to develop trouble. It's sputtering and it sounds like it's going to stall.
     The first engineer is a chemical engineer. He says, "It could be
something in the fuel line. Lets put an additive into the gas and maybe that
will take care of the problem."
     The second engineer is an electrical engineer. She says, "It could
be something in the electrical system. Let's replace the wires and the
distributor cap. Maybe that will take care of the problem."
     The third engineer is a software engineer from Microsoft. He says,
"It could be that we've too many windows open. Let's close all the
windows, turn off the car, then restart the car and open all the windows
again. Maybe that will take care of the problem."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 11:55:19 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Contact lens emergency.

        After discharging the last patient in the ER, I started for the
sleep room at about 2AM.  The nurse told me a moderately intoxicated man
was coming in with a stuck contact lens.  She offered to take it out with
a suction lens remover and have me sign the chart in the morning.  Half an
hour later the ringing telephone at the bedside told me she hadn't
succeeded.

        Examination of the patient's eyes produced an immediate
explaination: Neither eye had a contact lens in it. The patient had tried
unsuccessfully to remove his cornea with his fingernails, and the nurse
had failed to improve the situation with the suction cup.

        Unpersuaded by the facts, the patient repeatedly grasped his
cornea between his thumb and middle fingernails and pulled until his grip
slipped off the tented membrane. Each attempt produced the same
exclaimation, "God damn, that hurts. See, I can get it out to here but it
always pops back."

        Finally, I asked to see his contact lens case. I showed him the
lenses in his case and asked, "Whose lenses are these?".  Only then did he
reluctantly admit he must have taken them out and forgotten.

        Two Tylenol 3's got him through the night. A follow-up exam the
next day revealed normal vision, healing corneal abrasions, a large
subconjunctival hemorrage, and an ugly hangover.

Peter M. Midgley, M.D.
Loudersport, Pennsylvania

Excerpt from the book:  EMERGENCY! True Stories from the Nation's ERs
By Mark Brown, M.D.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 11:37:42 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: THE BEER BILL OF RIGHTS

THE BEER BILL OF RIGHTS

1. Congress shall make no law disrespecting an establishment of beer, or
   prohibiting the free consumption thereof; or abridging the  freedom of bar
   service, or of brewing; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble,
   and to petition the bartender for a round of beers.
2. A well-stocked bar being necessary to the security of a free State, the
   right of the people to brew and consume beer shall not be infringed.
3. No beer shall, in time of heat be quartered in any house without
   refrigeration, nor in time of cold, except in a manner prescribed by law.
4. The right of the people to be secure in their beer, bottles, glasses,
   and brewing effects, against unreasonable searches and seizures, shall not
   be violated, and no last calls shall be issued, but upon the proper time,
   supported by the clock, and particularly offering the bar patrons the
   opportunity to purchase and consume one more beer before closing.
5. No person shall be held to consume a second-rate, or otherwise infamous
   beer, unless on presentment or indictment of a large bar bill, except in
   cases arising in block parties or backyard barbecues, or at a fraternity
   house, when in actual celebration in time of holidays or sporting events;
   nor shall any person subject for the same bar bill to be twice put in
   jeopardy of cash or credit; nor shall be compelled in any drinking
   establishment to purchase beer for anyone other than himself; nor be
   deprived of beer without due process of law; nor shall private stocks of
   beer be taken for public consumption without just compensation.
6. In all drinking establishments, the patron shall enjoy the right to
   speedy and courteous service, by a qualified bartender of the establishment
   wherein the beer shall have been ordered, which establishment shall have
   been previously licensed by law, and to be informed of the nature and price
   of the beer; to be presented with the bar tab against him; to have
   compulsory process for obtaining the beer which was ordered, and to have
   the assistance of the bartender for service.
7. In bills at drinking establishments, where the value in controversy
   shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of service shall be preserved, and
   no tab presented by a bartender shall be otherwise re-examined in any
   drinking establishment in the United States, than according to the rules
   of the common law.
8. Excessive drinking shall not be required, nor excessive prices imposed,
   nor cruel and unusual beers inflicted.
9. The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain beers, shall not be
   construed to deny or disparage others consumed by the people.
10. The beers not supplied to the bars by mass marketing, nor brewed in
    microbreweries, are reserved to the brewpubs respectively, or to the
    people.

____________________________________________
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 14:42:22 -0500
From:    Ralph Welsch-Lehmann <Ralph_Welsch-Lehmann@DBNA.COM>
Subject: Jokes about women (offensive to women)

     The following jokes are extremely offensive to women (especially those
     who are overweight and not pretty) and those who believe in God.
     Enjoy...

     What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
     You only need to punch the data into one once.

     Reminds me of the time when God wanted to take a vacation. He wasn't
     sure where he wanted to go, so he went to St. Peter for advice.
     "How about Mercury" says St. Peter.
     "No, I went there 25,000 years ago and got a real bad sunburn" says
     God.
     "OK, how about Pluto?"
     "Nah, I went there 10,000 years ago and broke my leg skiing."
     "Ah, how about Earth?"
     "No way! I went there 2,000 years ago and knocked up some Jewish
     chick, and I'm still catching shit for it!"

     Q: What's a wife?
     A: An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.

     Women are like banks:
     - You deposit,
     - You withdrawal,
     - You lose interest.

     How do you fuck a fat girl?
             Roll her in flour and look for the wet spot.

     Why did God invent booze?
             So fat, ugly girls could have a chance to get laid, too.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 15:44:42 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <JBRENTS@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: Some philosophical thoughts(not off)

I don't know the author of this, but thought I'd pass it on.

                            Philosophical Thoughts
    ON METAPHYSICS
      Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked
      in the head like this before.
    ON DEEP THOUGHTS
      A day without sunshine is like night.
    ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
      There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane".
      If you buy this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it,
      should you take it back and demand a refund?
    ON HIGHER EDUCATION
      College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to
      drink.
    ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
      A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
    ON YOUTH
      "Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not
       true. I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk."
              -- Steven King, 3/8/90
    ON PROBLEM SOLVING
      When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to
      resemble a nail.  -- Abraham Maslow
    ON MATERIALISM
      He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
    ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
      Photons have mass?  I didn't know they were catholic!
    ON INFINITY
     If you had everything, where would you keep it?
    ON ECONOMICS
      The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
    ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
      I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because
      someone has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the
      top.          -- English Professor, Ohio University
    ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
      What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
    ON DATING
      When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the
      occasional division by zero.
    ON LAMENTATION
      Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
    ON POETIC LOVE
      When you're swimmin' in the creek
      And an eel bites your cheek
      That's a moray!             -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
    ON MODERNISM
      Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
      A: Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub
         with brightly colored machine tools.
    ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
      Character density:  The number of very weird people in the office.
    ON LITERATURE
      This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly.  It should be
      thrown with great force.  -- Dorothy Parker
    ON HUMILITY
      To err is human, to moo bovine.
    ON EXCUSES
      I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.  -- Joe Walsh
    ON NUMBERS
      Grabel's Law:  2 is not equal to 3-not even for very large values
      of 2.
    ON WORLD POLITICS
      Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock.
    AND FINALLY, ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
      There are two major products to come  out of Berkeley: LSD and
      UNIX.  We don't believe this to be a coincidence.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 20:13:39 -0500
From:    Mnr A Rossouw <SLD102@SLD1.WCAPE.GOV.ZA>
Subject: MIKE AND THE GOLDEN LATRINE <CRUDE LANGUAGE>

Hi guys this is my first posting to the list.

--------------
Well old Mike was watching a game of basketball on tv one day when
suddenly his wife walks in the room. She, pissed off by the way he
looks tell's him to go and buy himself a new jacket because the old
one is looking rather trampy on him.  So she gave him some money and
off he goes to the chloting store,  met some friends and went on to
some joint to have a couple off beers.  After a few hours of heavy
partying some of his friends had to take him home.

Just as he arrive at home his lady was realy mad and asked him where
the hell the goods were that he was supposed to go shop.  He told
her about the meeting with his friends and stated that he had somehow
left the jacket at the joint.  She now even more pissed told him to
go and find it cause he's not going to sleep in the house if he dont
bring forward the jacket.

One thing that wasnt to good for old Mike was the fact that he
couldnt remember where the joint was situated at, but one thing he
rembered was that the place had a green door and a golden latrine.
So with this in mind he set off to find the damned jacket his wife
were so pissed off about.  Mike got to the first house with a green
door and ask the man opening the door if they by any chance have a
golden latrine, on wich the man replied no. So he went on from one
green door to another. Finally there were only one green door house
left so it was bound to be the right one.

Mike knocked on the door and this big mussled man opened the door and
asks our friend if he could be of any help, on wich Mike replied:
"Sorry my friend I really dont want you to think that im trying to be
rude, but do you by any chance have a golden latrine." The man turned
around shouting to his roomate: "John here is that motherfukker who
pissed in your saxophone."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Mar 1997 22:15:14 -0500
From:    Lord Julus <ionifl@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: THE LAWS Part I

PART I:

Murphy s laws:
        1. If something bad could happen, it will.
        2. Everything takes more time than you expect
        3. If there is the possibility that more things work bad,
           the first one wil be the one with the maximum damages produced
        4. If everything is OK, you must have missed something.
        5. If you see 4 possibilities that could lead to a bad thing and
           you manage to avoid them, a fifth possibility will appear
           immediately.

Murphy s law amendment given by Royster:
        - When things go bad somewhere, soon they ll work bad everywhere.

The law of priorities:
        - If there s  anything that you want and would like to do,
          there s always something else that you need to do first

The law of the road:
        - When on a road, over a river there is a really short in
          width and on this road two cars are running:

        1)  The two cars are always going in different directions
        2)  The cars will meat wherever the bridge is

Barton s amendment  to Murphy s law:
        - If everything bad looks like it could never happen for
          sure, something really bad will happen,... soon

Murphy s philosophy:
        - Smile, tomorrow will be worse!

Bell s theorem:
        - when a body is immersed in water,... the phone rings.

The principle of meeting (Ruby s principle)
        - The probability to meet someone you know raises when
          you re with someone that you don t want to be seen with.

Breda s law:
        - At any show, the people that have seats in the middle of
          the rows arrive after the show began.

Secretaries Law (Owen s law)
        - When a secretary takes a coffee break, the boss will ask
          her to do a job that will require the exact amount of time
          that the coffee needs to get cold.

To be continued...

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Mar 1997 to 14 Mar 1997
************************************************
