HUMOR Digest - 12 Mar 1997 to 13 Mar 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 537 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Two jokes
  2. The Bus Conversation (poss. off. to immigrants)
  3. West Virginia Virgin (Offensive to us hillbillies)
  4. Condom humor
  5. A "two-fer" <not very offensive>
  6. Things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say: (part 2 of 2)
  7. FW: News of the Weird but True (not off)
  8. Only in English! <inoffensive.
  9. In Search of the Golden Toilet <toilet humor, duh>
 10. A Spud Story
 11. help desk experiences <offensive to the computer illiterate>
 12. FW: Suit colors?  (sick surpriser)
 13. Too many cooks spoil the bath <humor from India>

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Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 04:01:46 -0500
From:    Lord Julus <ionifl@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: Two jokes

---------------------------------------------

A woman was pregnant but she was scared to death about having
children. So she started to pray to God: "Please God, give me a
child and make him grow up fast. I hate dipers, I hate doo-dee, I
hate pee and I hate little babies!! Please God !!" So, after nine
months she gave birth to a boy. Handsome, blue eyes, blond hair. He
grew up in one day like others in ten years... After nine days he
died...

---------------------------------------------

The phone rings. John picks it up.
"John?"
"Yes, sir?"
"Is my wife in bed?"
"Yes, sir?"
"With whom, George?"
"With the neighbor, sir."
"John, I want you to pick up the gun and shut them both!"
"Yes, sir!"
An he leaves the phone on the table.
After a while five or six shots are fired.
"Sir, sais John, the job is done."
"Why did it take it so long? Why did you shot six times?"
"Well, sir, I had to run after them and I killed them by the pool."
"...But, John,... we do not have a pool!"
"Well, than it must be the wrong number, sir. Good bye, sir!"

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Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 11:28:32 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: The Bus Conversation (poss. off. to immigrants)

This was told to me by L. Wyant of MI... a cool joke about Mississippi and
immigrants...

A bus stops and two obviously Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and
engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their
conversation at first, but her attention is drawn when she hears one of the
men saying:

"Emma comma first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I comma again.
Two asses, they comma together again. I den pee twice. Den I comma once more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorts the lady indignantly. "In this country we
don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, calma-down lady," said the man, "I was only tella my frien' here how
to spella Mississippi."

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 07:49:51 -0500
From:    Mark Morris <Whrek@AOL.COM>
Subject: West Virginia Virgin (Offensive to us hillbillies)

 Once there was a Wayne County boy, who, after getting his G.E.D.(non-high
school diploma), went to work for his father in the family business of
Rust-Collecting.
One day he met a girl, also from Wayne County, and they hit it off and
started dating. They enjoyed each other's company, and both of them liked the
same things, like Cow-Tipping and Beater-Car-Smashing. Eventually, they
decided to marry.
 After the ceremony, the boy was really looking forward to the wedding night,
and to show how big a deal this marriage was, he took her to an
actual,money-paying Motel. Upon arriving, the girl went to the bathroom to
change, while the boy was getting ready himself. She exits the bathroom,
dressed in her sexiest burlap, and the boy grabs her and tosses her on the
bed. "Be gentle with me" she said,"I'm a virgin"
Wherupon the boy immediately flies into a rage, dresses himself, grabs the
girl and leaves, throwing her into the back of his pickup truck. He screeches
to a stop in front of her parents' house, throws her out, and burns rubber
outa there. He drives to his Dad's house and tells him the whole story
through eyes filled with tears. His Dad comforts him and says," You did the
right thing, son. Don't feel bad. If she wasn't good enough for HER family,
she sure isn't good enough for our'n"


OK, here's a few short ones:

Q: Do you know what a bigamist is?
A: A big fog over in Italy.

Q: Do you know what a specimen is?
A: An Italian astronaut.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 10:26:52 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Condom humor

Two little old ladies were waiting for a bus and one of them
was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so she reached
into her purse and pulled out a condom, cut off the tip and
slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey, now that's a good idea!
What's that your putting over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?" The lady with the cigarette
told her friend that she could purchase them at a pharmacy.

When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all
the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if
he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little
surprised that this little old lady was interested in condoms.
He asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a moment and said, "One that will fit
a Camel."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 12:18:17 +0000
From:    Jacqueline Mauriello <maurielo@ERIE.NET>
Subject: A "two-fer" <not very offensive>

An Indian (Native American) walks into the trading post and asks for
toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name (generic), Charmin
or White Cloud.
"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian.
"How much is it?"
"$1 a roll," the clerk replies.
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indians. "What about the
others?"
"Charmin is $2 a roll and no name is 50 cents a roll."
The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a
few hours he is back at the trading post. "I have a name for that no
name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John
Wayne."
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit offa no
Indian."

* * *

A young man gets a sales job at KMart and he is being trained by the
manager on the rules of salesmanship. A customer approaches the cash
register and the manager turns to the trainee and says "Watch this." The
manager then convinces the customer to buy a new lawnmower too.
A while later he goes out to have a cigarette and when he comes back a
man carrying a box of tampons is approaching the trainee's register. The
manager is amazed when the young man attempts to persuade him to buy the
lawnmower. He is even more amazed when the trainee succeeeds.
"That was great," said the manager, "but what made you decide to sell
him on the lawnmower."
"His weekend was already shot," replied the trainee. "He might as well
mow the lawn."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 11:33:45 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say: (part 2 of 2)

43. You did WHAT to the floppy???
44. Sorry, we deleted that package last week.
45. NO!!!  Not THAT button!!!
46. [looks at workstation] "Say, what version of DOS is this thing running?"
47. YEEEHAA!!!   What a CRASH!!!
48. What do you mean that could take down the whole network?
49. What's this switch for anyways?
50. Tell me again what that '-r' option to rm does...
51. Say, what does "Superblock Error" mean, anyhow?
52. If I know it wasn't going to work, I would have tested it sooner.
53. Was that YOUR directory?
54. System coming down in 0 minutes...
55. The backup procedure works fine, but the restore is tricky!
56. Hey Fred, did you save that posting about restoring filesystems with
    vi and a toothpick?  More importantly, did you print it out?
57. The sprinkler system isn't supposed to leak is it?
58. It is only a minor upgrade, the system should be back up in a few
    hours.  (This said on a Monday afternoon.)
59. I think we can plug just one more thing in to this outlet strip
    without tripping the breaker.
60. What is all this I hear about static charges destroying computers?
61. I found this rabbit program that is supposed to test system
    performance and I have it running now.
62. Ummm....Didn't you say you turned it off?
63. The network's down, but we're working on it.  Come back after dinner.
    (Usually said at 2200 the night before thesis deadline.)
64. Oops!  Save your work, everyone!  FAST!!!
65. Boy, it's a lot easier when you know what you're doing.
66. I hate it when that happens.
67. Why did it say '/bin/rm: not found'?
68. You can do this patch with the system up...
69. What happens to a hard disk when you drop it?
70. Well, I've got a backup, but the only copy of the restore program was
    on THAT disk...
71. Hey, what does mkfs do?
72. Where did you say those backup tapes were kept?
73. ...and if we just swap these two disk controllers like this...
74. don't do that, it'll crash the sys...DAMN!
75. what's this hash prompt on my terminal mean?
76. Now it's funny you should ask that, because I don't know either...
77. Can you get VMS for this Sparc thingy?
78. I don't care what he says, I'm NOT having it on MY network.
79. We don't support that.  We WON'T support that.
80. ...and after I patched the microcode...
81. You've got TECO.  What more do you want?
82. We prefer not to change the root password, it's a nice easy one...
83. Just add yourself to the password file and make a directory...

___________________________________________

http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

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Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 10:05:44 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <JBRENTS@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: FW: News of the Weird but True (not off)

         "NEWS OF THE WEIRD (but True)"

    Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old
    man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two
    (counterfeit) $16 bills.
          ____________________________
    A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old
    friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two
    practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.
          _____________________________
    A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety
    record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use
    of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial
    Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial
    accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered
    minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room.
    Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches
    after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the
    film.
          ____________________________
    The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear
    weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within
    city limits.
          ____________________________
    A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis,
    but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen
    pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of
    whiplash injuries and back pain.
          ____________________________
    Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on
    a book about Swedish economic solutions.  He took the
    250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to
    50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the
    copier with the shredder.
         _____________________________
    A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few
    days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for
    robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich.  She needed to
    see him, and thus had him paged.  Police officers recognized
    his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in
    a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.
          _____________________________
    Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by
    placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with
    wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was
    placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each
    time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
    Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect
    confessed.
          _____________________________
    When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan,
    refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the
    man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the
    robber called the police and was arrested.
    ____________________________
    A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking,"
    stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an
    officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

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Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 10:37:02 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Only in English! <inoffensive.

[It looks like it ought to rhyme, doesn't it?  BTW Slough, a town in England,
rhymes with "cow".]

A certified poet from Slough,
Whose methods of rhyming were rough,
          Retorted, "I see
          That the letters agree
And if that's not sufficient, I'm through."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 13:43:09 -0800
From:    Nathan Sherman <nathans@MICROSOFT.COM>
Subject: In Search of the Golden Toilet <toilet humor, duh>

Here's an old one, but it's recyclable:

A man wakes up at a friend's house after a night of kegger-hopping on
fraternity row, but his wallet is missing.  All he can remember about the previous night was that he went to the bathroom in a huge golden toilet.  He thinks maybe his wallet fell out when he dropped trou to use it.

So, he tries Alpha Gamma Delta.  No golden toilet.  Then he tries Sigma
Gamma. Still no golden toilet.  Gradually he works his way down frat row until
the last house, Phi Upsilon Kappa... home of the football lettermen.

"Ah, 'scuse me, but I was here, I think, at a kegger last night and I
think I left my wallet.  Do you by chance have a golden toilet?"

The frat boy thinks a second, then calls back into the common room,
"Hey, Killer, I think we found the guy who took a dump in your tuba!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 1997 20:36:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: A Spud Story

Once upon a time when potatoes ruled the earth, there was a King
Potato and a Queen Potato. The King and the Queen had a daughter who was
of marrying age, and naturally they expected her to marry another potato
of royal status.

But, the beautiful young spud told her parents that she would not
marry a royal potato. Instead, she told the King and Queen, she was in
love with Tom Brokaw and would marry him.

"Tom Brokaw!" thundered the king. "How can you even consider
marrying Tom Brokaw! HE'S NOTHING BUT A COMMENTATOR!"

----
Cereal Killer Strikes Again - does it for Kix!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 1997 09:11:41 -0500
From:    Ross Stocks <ROSS.STOCKS.PSD36651@NT.COM>
Subject: help desk experiences <offensive to the computer illiterate>

Listed below are (sad, but true) excerpts from a Wall Street Journal
article by Jim Carlton:

An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get
her new Dell Computer to turn on.  After ensuring the computer was
plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed
the power button.  Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot
pedal and nothing happens."  The "foot pedal" turned out to be the
computer's mouse.

Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new
computer wouldn't work.  She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it
in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen.
When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she
asked "What power switch?"

Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press
Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any"
key is.

AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was
hard to control with the dust cover on.  The cover turned out to be
the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that
the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes.
After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the
problem,
it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes then rolled them
into the typewriter to type the labels.

Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective
diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along
with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back
in the drive and close the door.  The customer asked the tech to hold on,
and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to
close the door to his room.

Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell
tech referred him to the local Egghead.  "Yeah, I got me a couple of
friends," the customer replied.  When told Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer
worked.  He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and
soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing
them individually.

A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged
because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid".  The tech
explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax
anything.  After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered
the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the
monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 20:23:04 -0600
From:    Ray Oswald <roswald@COREDCS.COM>
Subject: FW: Suit colors?  (sick surpriser)

This woman goes into a funeral home to make arrangements for her husband's
funeral.  She tells the director that she wants her husband to be buried in a
dark blue suit.

He asks, "Wouldn't it just be easier to bury him in the black suit that he's
wearing?"

But she insists that it must be a blue suit and gives him a blank check to
buy one.

When she comes back for the wake, she sees her husband in the coffin and he
is wearing a beautiful blue suit.  She tells the director how much she loves
the suit and asks how much it cost.  He says, "Actually, it didn't cost
anything.  The funniest thing happened.  As soon as you left, another corpse was brought in, this one wearing a blue suit.  I noticed that they were about the same size, and asked the other widow if she would mind if her husband were buried in a black suit.

She said that was fine with her.

"So... I switched the heads"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 22:44:56 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Too many cooks spoil the bath <humor from India>

Found on INDIA-D@INDNET.ORG
India Discussion Digest    Wed, 12 Mar 97    Volume 2 : Issue 1378

Date: Wed, 12 Mar 1997 06:03:15 -0800 (PST)
From: "Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan" <murthy_sk@hotmail.com>
Subject: Humor happens!

Lunch time at a `Sri Darshini' in the Majestic area of Bangalore ,
the owner was scolding his cooks, asking them to divide work equally.

Owner (to his cooks): Raghavendra, alli hogi re, sambhar
sariyagidheya nodi. Srinivasa, nee matra, illi idli ready-aayitha
nodi. (Raghavendra, go there and see if the sambhar is ok. Srinivasa,
you alone tend to the idlis here.)

(Just about then, Ramesh, an engineer from Lucknow, who had come
to Bangalore for the first time, drops in to check out the place.)

Owner (to himself and Ramesh): Look at all of them, inefficient
fellows. Trying to work on the same item. They don't even know `Too
many cooks spoil the bath.'

Ramesh (though surpised at the owner's fluency, corrected):  I think,
you mean broth.

Owner (looked  nonchalantly at Ramesh):  Kya saab! humko pata.`Too
many cooks spoil the bath!' (What sir! I know)

Ramesh (not in a mood to argue): Ok, I may be wrong.

Ramesh then proceeded to read the menu of the day: Coconut Bath,
Tomato Bath, Khara Bath, Kesri Bath, Bisi-Bele Bath, Vangi Bath, Curd
Bath ..

Note: `Sri Darshini' most common portion of the names of South
Indian Fast Food Stalls in Bangalore. `Sambhar', a popular gravy
accompaniment. `Bath' mostly rice-based dishes. (Believe it to be a
variation of the North Indian pronunciation of `Bhath') Knowledgeable
IDD members can elaborate/provide recipes ;-) (on the IDD, of course!)

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Mar 1997 to 13 Mar 1997
************************************************
