HUMOR Digest - 11 Mar 1997 to 12 Mar 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 413 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. A Sadistic Kid <inoffensive>
  2. More Ebonics
  3. Adult (Possibly offensive to older folks)
  4. PC language: Health care v. education <not offensive>
  5. It's A Wacky World
  6. Stupid criminals (non-offensive)
  7. Things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say: (part 1 of 2)
  8. black sheep (sick..off to aborigine chiefs)
  9. Who does the dishes (adult, sexual content)
 10. Parrot joke <clean>
 11. WHY MEN SHOULD BE BUILT BY FUJI. . .<off. to men>
 12. Stupid People Tricks <not off.>
 13. Another Parrot Joke <clean>

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Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 1997 04:01:01 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: A Sadistic Kid <inoffensive>

       The child sat by the road bawling loudly.  A
  passerby asked him what was the matter.
         "My Ma, she's gone and drowned the kittens,"
  the boy wailed.
         "Oh, isn't that too bad," was the sympathetic
  response.
         The child bawled the louder: "An'  Ma
  promised me that I could drown 'em!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 1997 07:07:21 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: More Ebonics

Two rednecks were eating their lunch. One was reading a newspaper.  He
looked up and said, "I don't understand all this stuff 'bout Ebonics.
Hell, I don't even know where Ebonia is."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 1997 08:29:47 -0500
From:    Bob Nordvall <bnordval@GETTYSBURG.EDU>
Subject: Adult (Possibly offensive to older folks)

An 80 year old guy marries a 20 year old beauty.  She, of course, is
thinking about the inheritance that will soon come her way.  She may even
speed along the time that this inheritance  arrives by giving the old guy a
very active sex life.  So  imagine her distress when, on the third day of
their honeymoon, she finds her new husband  in bed with a 45 year old lady.
The young woman finally  blurts out "What does she have, that I don't have?"
Her spouse replies, "patience."

Gettysburg College
Gettysburg, PA 17325

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 1997 08:03:38 -0600
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: PC language: Health care v. education <not offensive>

Have you noticed how the health care profession and the teaching
profession have been moving in opposite directions of late with regard
to who has responsibility for outcomes?

Health Care:
    It used to be  "The patient died"
    Then it was  "Negative longevity outcome"
    Now it might be  "Patient failed to fulfill his/her wellness potential"

Teaching:
    It used to be  "The student failed"
    Then it was  "Unacceptably depressed test performance"
    Now it might be  "Profound instructional transmission failure"

Any other trends out there?

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 1997 11:05:38 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

Bug Barbecue -- <Warning -- may be offensive to those with weak stomachs.>

 JOHANNESBURG, South Africa (CNN) -- Bugs were on exhibit and on the menu at the  Johannesburg Zoo's bug-fest.

 The zoo's insect week ended Sunday with a bug barbecue, including roast
cockroaches, chocolate-coated locusts and deep-fried termites.

 And for the gourmet, there were juicy African mopane worms, boiled in
garlic and wine and served in an omelet topped with cheese.

 It took courage for many people to take that first bite, while some just
couldn't get enough.

 Mopane worms are eaten in South Africa's rural areas, where women harvest
them from trees, then boil and dry them. The worms are sold at bus stops by
the tin cupful.

 The exhibition was held to explain the wonders of the insect world to
school children. The children learned about the role insects play in the
environment, including their importance to non-human predators.

 The Associated Press contributed to this report.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 1997 12:34:07 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Stupid criminals (non-offensive)

     From a friend - no idea if they are true or not.


A supposedly true story from Orange County:

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead with
him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a mile away.

About five blocks from party the police pull him over for weaving and
ask him to get out of the car and walk the line. Just as he starts, the
police radio blares out a notice of a robbery taking place in a house
just a block away. The police tell the party animal to stay put, they
will be right back - and they run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When he gets
there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell anyone who
might come looking for him that he has the flu and has been in bed
all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr. X lives
there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies that
his is in bed with the flu and has been so all day. The police have his
driver's license. They ask to see his car and she asks why. They insist
on seeing his car, so she takes them to the garage and opens the door
where they find: the police car, lights still flashing.

This is allegedly a true story, told by the driver at his first AA
meeting, according to the newspaper account.

------------------------------------

>From Herb Caen's column in the San Francisco Chronicle:

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead
of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several
days later, he received a letter from the police department that
contained another picture - of handcuffs.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 1997 12:00:21 -0600
From:    Antonio Oliveros Fernandez <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Things you do NOT want your System Administrator to say: (part 1 of 2)

 1. Uh-oh...
 2. Oh S***!
 3. What the heck?!?
 4. Go get your backup tape.  (You DO have a backup tape?)
 5. That's SOOOOO bizarre.
 6. Wow!!  Look at this...
 7. Hey!!  The Suns don't do this.
 8. Terminated?!?
 9. What software license?
10  Well, it's doing SOMETHING...
11. Wow...that seemed fast...
12. I got a better job at Lockheed...
13. Management says...
14. Sorry, the new equipment didn't get budgeted.
15. What do you mean that wasn't a copy?
16. It didn't do that a minute ago...
17. Where's the GUI on this thing?
18. Damn, and I just bought that Coke...
19. Where's the DIR command?
20. The drive ate the tape but that's OK, I brought my screwdriver.
21. I cleaned up the root partition and now there's LOTS of free space.
22. What's this "any" key I'm supposed to press?
23. Do you smell something?
24. What's that grinding sound?
25. I have never seen it do THAT before...
26. I don't think it should be doing that...
27. I remember the last time I saw it do that...
28. You might as well all go home early today...
29. My leave starts tomorrow.
30. Oops! (said in a quiet, almost surprised voice)
31. Hmm, maybe if I do this...
32. Why is my "rm -r *" taking so long?"
33. Hmmm, curious...
34. Well, MY files were backed up.
35. What do you mean you needed that directory?
36. What do you mean /home was on that disk?  I umounted it!
37. Do you really need your home directory to do any work?
38. I didn't think anybody would be doing any work at 2am, so I  killed
    your job.
39. Yes, I chowned all the files to belong to pvcs.
    Is that a  problem to you?
40. We're standardizing on AIX.
41. Wonder what THIS command does?
42. What did you say your (1)user name was...? ;-)

____________________________________

http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 1997 14:39:17 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: black sheep (sick..off to aborigine chiefs)

In the middle of the night Father MacDonagh was dragged out of his hut
by a furious mob of aborigines. Before he was even fully awake, he found
himself tied to a stubby tree atop a pile of kindling. "Stop!" he
shrieked at the aborigine leader, who was approaching with a flaming
torch. "I'm your friend. Why are you doing this to me!?!" An evil leer
on his face, the chief explained that a woman in their village had given
birth to a mulatto child. "Since no other white man lives within ten
day's walk, you must be the father. And you must die."
Sweating profusely and thinking fast, Father MacDonagh beckoned the
aborigine over with a wave of his head. "Do you remember the black lamb
born to my flock of ewes last spring?" The chief nodded and the priest
continued sagely, "Well, there aren't any black rams in this territory,
are there?" The chief extinguished his torch, looked around carefully
and said in a whisper, "OK, I keep your secret and you keep mine."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 1997 17:31:21 -0600
From:    Terry Humphrey <humphrey@MINOTAFB.NDAK.NET>
Subject: Who does the dishes (adult, sexual content)

I don't know where this came from and I dont' know who the author is.

        There was this guy, we'll call him Jim.  Anyway, he owned an old
motorcycle which he was very proud of.  He was always working on it --
trying to fix something or another.  There was this one problem, though,
that he just not could fix -- there was a small leak in one of the front
shock absorber seals and whenever it rained the rain would leak down into
the workings of the shock absorber.  He had, however, found a temporary
cure for this problem -- he'd rub a little vasoline around the seal
whenever it rained to keep the water out.
        Anyway, he'd been dating the same girl for a little while and tonight he was going to meet her parents,  So he washed his bike trying to make it
look as good as it possibly could.  He even tuned it up to ensure nothing
would go wrong tonight.  He was pretty serious about this girl, you see.
        After finishing with the bike, he took a shower and got dressed.
        Then, he goes to pick his girlfriend up.  He commented on how nice she
looked and they sped off.
        On the way to her parents house she started telling him this strange story about her family.
        It turns out, that at some point in the distant past her entire family got into a really big fight about who was going to do the dishes.  It was
really bad.  And the parents, seeing no end in sight to the argument,
decided that whoever spoke first during dinner had to do all the dishes in
the kitchen.
        Their solution sort of worked.  There was no more arguing, no one talked during dinner, and dishes piled up in the kitchen night after night.  She told him this because she didn't want him to be suprised by the fact that
no one spoke during dinner.
        He thought it was a little strange but it didnt' bother him.  He was more nervous about meeting them anyway.
        Well, they arrive just in time for dinner.  On the way to the dining room he walked through the kitchen -- there were dishes piled to the ceiling on
every inch of counter space.  He was amazed.
        They sit down to eat and everyone starts passing food around but there is no talking.  Well, he's pretty entertained by the whole thing and decides
he will have a little fun with the situation.  So he grabs his girlfriend,
stands her up, bends her over the table, and proceeds to have sex with her
right there in front of everybody.  Nobody said a word (for fear of having
to do the enormous pile of dishes.)  He finishes and sits back down with a
big smile on his face, a little drowsy from the event and everyone
continues eating.
        Time passes and he recovers fully so he decides to have MORE fun with it. He grabs the girl's sister (she was of the age of legal consent), stands
her up, bends her over the table, and proceeds to have sex with her. Again, nobody said a word.  He finishes, sits down, and everybody continue's eating.
        More time passes and he decides to go for the girl's mother now.  He grabs the girl's mother, stands her up, bends her over the table, and proceeds to have sex with her.  Again, nobody said a word.  He finishes, sits down, and
everybody continue's eating.
        Just then, he hears thunder outside.  Thinking it's going to rain, he
grabs the vasoline out of his back pack, stands up and the girls father
says, "Ok that's enough... I'll do the dishes!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 06:28:00 PST
From:    "Hardwork has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now"
         <JD@THEPENTAGON.COM>
Subject: Parrot joke <clean>

I just recalled the following joke. It was posted a long time ago so the credit
goes to whoever posted it earlier.

A man enters a pet shop to buy a parrot for himself. The manager takes him to an old bird which has been well trained to sing Dixie and Jingle Bells.

Manager: You see the two strings attached to his feet? Well if you pull the left one, the parrot will sing Dixie and if you pull the right one the parrot will sing Jingle Bells.
Man: What happens when I pull both strings?
Parrot: I FALL ON MY TAIL STUPID !!


------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Mar 1997 23:31:19 -0500
From:    Michelle Montee <MichMontee@AOL.COM>
Subject: WHY MEN SHOULD BE BUILT BY FUJI. . .<off. to men>

     WHY MEN SHOULD BE BUILT BY FUJI. . .

 - They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used;
 - You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot;
 - They last longer and come with a warranty;
 - You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if
   not satisfied with no risks or hassle;
 - They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it;
 - They come in fashion colors;
 - You can keep them in maximum zoom;
 - They come with replacable or adjustable parts;
 - The parts that counts are portable;
 - They don't mind over-exposure;
 - They respond to the slightest touch;
 - The one you want is available at a KMART near you;

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 00:04:23 -0500
From:    Michelle Montee <MichMontee@AOL.COM>
Subject: Stupid People Tricks <not off.>

If stupidity is relative, all you guys can relax a little...


Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel
after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face,
seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each
other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its
workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job.
According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory
industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor
injuries in their rush to leave the screening room.  Thirteen others fainted,
and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair
while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting
a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time
police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had
begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about
Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied,
only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker
confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later
accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out
for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged.  Police
officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the
courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal
colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The
message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy
button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.
 Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over
the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police.
They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a
steamroller and led police on a 5 MPH chase until an officer stepped aboard
and brought the vehicle to a stop.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Mar 1997 10:38:01 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Another Parrot Joke <clean>

     So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a
   sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight
   without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a
   quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him
   crazy.  One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by
   the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!"  But this
   just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever.  Then the guy
   gets mad and says, "OK for you." and locks the bird in a kitchen
   cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches,
   and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a
   stream of vulgarities that would make a veteran sailor blush.

     At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the
   freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird
   kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets _very_ quiet.  At
   first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird
   may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried
   that he opens up the freezer door.

     The bird calmly climbs onto the man's outstretched arm and says,
   "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to
   improve my vocabulary from now on."

     The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has
   come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, what did the
   chicken do?"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Mar 1997 to 12 Mar 1997
************************************************
