HUMOR Digest - 9 Mar 1997 to 10 Mar 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 460 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Useless Facts (inoff.)
  2. Very Important Pig (VIP) <Offensive to Pig Lovers>
  3. It's A Wacky World <sexual>
  4. Test of courage <clean>
  5. Wool
  6. Space oddysey re-release.
  7. Let the games begin!
  8. No more racism <possibly offensive to anti-racist people>
  9. Boston driving <not amusing if you haven't been there>
 10. <The Brits are funny too!>
 11. Sleepless Nights ? <clean,off. to insomniacs>

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Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 1997 12:37:34 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Useless Facts (inoff.)

Useless But Interesting Facts:

* The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must
  be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of
   war or other emergencies.
* The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston,
  Massachusetts) is the only place in the world where a boat can sail under
  a train driving under a car driving under an airplane.
* Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, while dogs only have about ten.
* Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never
  stop growing.
* David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke
  all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over
  by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie.
* Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time.
* In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
* Barbie's measurements if she were life size: 39-23-33.
* February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
* Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonalds.
* The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is
  necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had
  segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites.
* No word in the English language rhymes with month.
* The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each
  gallon of diesel that it burns.
* There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.
* Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal
  category.
* Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City,
  after the Catholic Church.
* Cat's urine glows under a black light.
* Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered
  a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight
  Simulator.
* The first Ford cars had Dodge engines.
* Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
* It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a
  gallon to clean the pot.
* In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
* Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child
  reaches 2-6 years of age.
* The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
* Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously
* If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19.
  You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to
  make change for a dollar.
* The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
* Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike
  factory workers in Malaysia combined.
* No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a
  Superbowl
* The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver".
* In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only
  6 people were injured
* Lincoln Logs were invented by Frank Lloyd Wright's son.
* One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in
  the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition. It is
  not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine.
* The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports
  games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the
  Major League All-Star Game.
* Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older
* The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan"

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 1997 08:17:01 EST
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Very Important Pig (VIP) <Offensive to Pig Lovers>

A traveling salesman (who else?) is driving down a country road on a
beautiful sunny day in the summertime when he glances into a field a sees
a very large pig with a wooden leg.
He pulls his vehicle over, stops, gets out of his car and walks over to
the fence to get a better look at the pig.  While he is looking this
oddity over, a farmer approaches him and asks if there is anything wrong
or if he can help him in any way.  The salesman says, "Well, I was
driving down this road and I saw that pig with a wooden leg and frankly,
I was just simply amazed by this!"  "How on earth did the pig get a
wooden leg?"
The farmer says,  "One night my wife and I were in bed, sound asleep and
all of a sudden I was awakened by that pig licking my face."  "The pig
had smelled smoke coming from the house, crashed through one of the
downstairs windows, came into our bedroom to wake us in time to get out
of the house and call the fire department from the neighbors house."
"The fire department managed to get here in time to save the house with
minimal damage."  "Thank God that pig was around - he saved our lives and
our homestead."
The salesman says, "Well, that's great, but how did the pig get the
wooden leg?"  The farmer started in again,  "Another time, I was out here
in this field on my tractor doing some plowing."  "I hit a big hole in
the ground, the tractor went over and pinned me under it."  "That pig was
out here with me."  "Without a word from me, he trotted as fast as he
could back to the house and alerted my wife."  "She came out to see what
was wrong and ended up calling the fire and police departments to rescue
me."  "They got to me very quickly and I was transported to the local
hospital where I made a complete recovery."  "Once again, I have to say
that the pig saved my life."
The salesman was getting a little bit agitated.  He says, "Gee, that's
excellent, but listen, will you please answer me this question?"  "How
did the pig get the wooden leg??!!"
The farmer just smiled and said, "Look fella, a pig like that - you just
don't eat all at once!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 1997 12:46:10 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World <sexual>

                      Battle Over Condom Store

CARROLLTON,TX. -- A 52-year-old mother of two is at the center of a battle
with city officials over whether her condom store is a novelty shop or a
sexually oriented business.

 "I am not a pornographer," Sara Lee Moyer said. "I don't want to be like
that. My customers are not the type of customers who go into adult
bookstores."

 Moyer calls her shop, Condoms to Go, a novelty store. Officials in the
Dallas suburb of Carrollton argue, however, that it's a sexually oriented
business.

 Mayor Milburn Gravely said a major concern is that the store is on a busy
road."That spot is where the moms and dads and little boys and little girls
drive up and down the street," he said.

Source: Houston Chronicle (c)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 1997 00:32:00 PST
From:    June Buggy <JD@THEPENTAGON.COM>
Subject: Test of courage <clean>

Sorry if this has been posted be4, if not....enjoy!!

The police were hiring new men but had to test their faithfullness before they
could be given a uniform. The first man to enter was given a rifle, told to take his wife to the empty room upstairs and shoot her. The man decided that he loved his wife more than a policeman's job so he denied. The second man to enter thought for a minute and then consented. After ten minutes, no sound was heard from the room and the man came out to explain that he did not have the gutts to do what he had been told to do. The third man who came in for the interview gladly accepted the weapon and proceeded to the room upsatirs. After some time passed, loud sounds of crashing and banging were heard from the room. The officers confused, asked the man when he came out as to what in the world he was doing. To this he replied, "I tried shooting my wife but the gun was full of blanks, so instead I strangelled her to death".

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 1997 20:19:10 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Wool

Definition of "virgin wool": The sheep that ran faster than the
shepherd.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 1997 14:22:14 -0600
From:    =?ISO-8859-1?Q?Antonio_Oliveros_Fern=E1ndez?=
         <oliveros@MAIL.INTERNET.COM.MX>
Subject: Space oddysey re-release.

I haven't seen this one, i found it on rec.humor funny. enjoy.

(MGM Studios, England)  In response to the success of George
Lucas' updated "Star Wars", Stanley Kubrick announced today the
planned re-release of "2001: A Space Odyssey".  The enhanced
version of the film will be released early in 1998, celebrating
its 30th anniversary.

Kubrick explained, "Much of what we tried to accomplish in 1968 as
limited by then-current technology.  We feel this greatly impinged
on the structure and style of the film, grossly affecting our
ability to tell a modern story."

Many of the changes and additions are fairly minor; only a true
devotee would be expected to notice.  For example, the "Pan Am"
space clipper will have its logo changed to "Discount Spaceways."
Other logos will be inserted, as deemed appropriate by the
sponsors of the updating:  "Coke" and "Nikon" will appear on food
and photographic products, while the HAL 9000 computer will sport
"Intel Inside" and "Microsoft Windows NT 8.5" appliques.

Other sequences are expected to present visual and auditory
changes more apparent to those who may only have seen the film a
small number of times.
  *  Computer displays will be rendered with true 3D modeling.  As
     an inside joke in one scene, graphics engineers will be inserting
     images from "Quake 2000."
  *  The "Star Voyage" sequence designed by Trumball and Veevers
     will be replaced by an entirely computer-generated sequence.
  *  New scenes will be inserted.  One known scene involves the
     "hominid murder;" a new computer-assisted sequence showing a
     battle between thousands of hominids will be added following this
     scene.
  *  All of the music will be replaced by a soundtrack performed
     by U2.  The soundtrack will be broadcast in digitized, Dolby-
     enhanced surround sound.  Kubrick explained, "No one liked the
     music in the original, anyway."
  *  The monolith, which most viewers found "boring" will be
     redesigned to look like a large human-shaped robot with blinking
     lights.
  *  Frank Poole's sex will be changed, adding new interest.
     Also, Francine Poole will not die; She and Dave will be saved by
     MONOLITHMAN and will live happily every after.  Kubrick explains
     again, "No one understood the ending; we feel that our rewrite
     will be much more accessible to the typical intelligent moviegoer."

Kubrick summarized the release, codenamed "3" (short for "2001-
1998") as an "Experience for the younger generation, born well
after the original.  The original film was dated and did not meet
the needs of new viewers.  The new release will be competitive
with today's movies and should provide a fulfilling, enjoyable
experience to all."

A spring, 1998 release is anticipated.

____________________________________________
http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/4839

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 1997 13:02:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Let the games begin!

If you want to be America's premier "American Flatulator," you've got
to have it... gas, that is.  And if you're pumped up for the
challenge,you'll have to let yourself go in a series of hilarious,
explosive events that are sure to clear the air -- and maybe the room
-- about who's really full of it.  The events include:


POWER BALLOON

"American Flatulators" and the challengers face off in a rip-roaring,
cheek-to-cheek competition designed to separate the big boomers from
the little bags of wind.  The object behind POWER BALLOON is that each
contestant must fill a heavy gauge balloon with his or her own natural
gas until the durable plastic sack becomes too pooped and pops.  Each
contestant uses their own unique technique to fill `er up.  Winner
takes all!  No ifs, and or butts.

DON'T PASS THE GAS

This contest demands real endurance.  Opponents use giant Q-Tip like
pugel sticks (as in Pee UUU) to try and knock the farts out of each
other.  The winner is the one who resists the pounding beyond the
breaking point.

FREESTYLE

Anything goes in this zany event.  From brassy, classical gas
movements to windswept impressions with a celebrity flair, you name
it, you get it in the Freestyle competition.  And with its big point
total, anyone can come from behind in the contest to become air to the
throne.

SLIPPERY GAUNTLET

In this fast paced event, "American Flatulators" take aim at
contestants with a toilet paper-filled bazooka while the contestants'
own natural gas powers them across a slick and slippery obstacle
course.  First one to break across the finish line wins.

American Flatulators Home <HTTP://WWW.PASSGAS.COM/>

---
"Hex Dump" - Where Witches put used Curses?

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 1997 17:16:38 -0500
From:    Lord Julus <ionifl@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: No more racism <possibly offensive to anti-racist people>

One day, in a South-African school, the teacher came very upset into
the classroom and started to shout: "I don't understand anything!
What's all about this black and white think? We gotta stop racism in
any way!! What's this with blacks and whites! I'm gonna make a rule
in this clasroom! From now on, we are no longer black or white! We
are all blue! Ok?! I'm glad you understand! All this racism must
stop! Ok, I'm glad we had this conversation! Now, if you will
please take your seats! Yes, go on! No, not like that: it's dark
blue on the left side and light blue on the right side ! Clear??

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 1997 15:06:04 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Boston driving <not amusing if you haven't been there>

Status: The geographical center of Boston is in Roxbury. Due north of the
center we find the South End. This is not to be confused with South Boston,
which lies directly east from the South End. North of the South End is
East Boston and southwest of East Boston is the North End. Backbay was
filled in years ago.

Basic Rules for Driving in Boston:  (Subject to change at any time)

1) Boston is often acclaimed as the most exciting city in America in
   which to drive. Who would argue? Herewith, for newcomers and visitors,
   are a few basic rules of the road for driving in these parts:
2) To obtain a general idea of how to drive in Boston, go to a Celtics
   game and carefully watch the fast break.  Then get behind the wheel of
   your car and practice it.
3) Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left
   before proceeding. When in doubt, accelerate.
4) Very generally speaking, the intransigence of the Boston driver is
   directly proportional to the expense of his American-made car, and
   inversely proportional to the expense of his foreign-made car. But
   in applying this formula, bear in mind that they are all more or less    intransigent.
5) When on a one way street, stay to the right to allow traffic to
   pass coming the other direction.
6) Drivers whose cars sport "I Brake For Animals" bumper stickers may
   brake for animals, but they may not brake for you. Watch it.
7) Teenage drivers believe they are immortal. Don't yield to the
   temptation to teach them otherwise.
8) Taxicabs should always be given the right of way, unless you are
   bent on suicide.
9) Never, ever, stop for a pedestrian unless he flings himself under
   the wheels of your car.  Most multicar pileups are caused this way.
10) The first parking space you see will be the last parking space you
    see.  Grab it.
11) Learn to swerve abruptly. Boston is the home of slalom driving,
    thanks to the Registry of Motor Vehicles, which puts potholes in key
    locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.
12) Never get in the way of a car that needs extensive body work.
13) Double-park in the North End of Boston, unless triple-parking is
    available.
14) Always look both ways when running a red light.
15) While it is possible to fit a 15-foot car into a 15-foot parking
    space, it is seldom possible to fit a 16-foot car into a 15-foot parking
    space.  Sad but true.  Don't even think of finding a 20 ft space.
16) There is no such thing as a shortcut during rush-hour traffic in
    Boston.
17) Rush 'Hour' generally only lasts from 7am until 8pm.
18) It is traditional in Boston to honk your horn at cars that don't
    move the instant the light changes.  Color doesn't matter.
19) Never put your faith in signs that purport to provide directions.
    They are put there to confuse people who don't know their way around 
    the city. And to confuse those who do but are detoured by the Big Dig.
20) Use extreme caution when pulling into breakdown lanes. Breakdown
    lanes are not for breaking down, but for speeding, especially during
    rush hour.
21) Breakdown lanes may also end without warning causing traffic jams
    as people merge back in.
22) Never use directional signals, since they only confound and
    distract other Boston drivers, who are not used to them.
23) Similarly, never attempt to give hand signals. Boston drivers,
    unused to such courtesies, will think you are waving them on to pass you.
24) The yellow light is not, as commonly supposed outside the Boston
    area, a signal to slow down. It is a warning to speed up and get through
    the intersection before the light turns red.  As a result, yellow
    lights only light for a quarter of a second.
25) Seeking eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way.
26) Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. Sidewalks
    are optional.
27) In making a left turn from the right lane, employ the element of
    surprise.  That is, do it as suddenly as possible, so as to stun
    other drivers.  Crossing entire 4-lane roads in one block always gains
    the respect and salutes.
28) Speed limits are arbitrary figures posted only to make you feel guilty.
29) Whenever possible, stop in the middle of a crosswalk to ensure
    inconveniencing as many pedestrians as possible.
30) Remember that the goal of every Boston driver is to get there
    first, by whatever means necessary.
31) Above all, keep moving.
    And good luck. You'll need it.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Mar 1997 18:57:30 -0500
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: <The Brits are funny too!>

The following was published in THE PRAIRIE RAMBLER (no copyrt infringement)
and was attributed there to a collection by three generations of the John
Hope family of KC, MO, who collected them from "fitness reports" written for
the British Military's Royal Navy and Marines.  According to the RAMBLER,
these are all totally legitimate.  According to me, they are all hilarious,
so I pass them along to you.  (Any typos are mine.)

His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.

I would not breed from this officer

This Officer is really not so much a has-been, but more of a definitely
won't-be.

He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire
satisfaction.

He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

Technically sound but socially impossible.

This officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope--always spinning around at a
frantic pace but not really going anywhere.

This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

When he joined my ship, this officer was something of a granny; since then he
has aged considerably.

This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to
port and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

This Officer should go far--and the sooner he starts, the better.

In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.

Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot

Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Mar 1997 09:27:12 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Sleepless Nights ? <clean,off. to insomniacs>

Q: What does an dyslexic agnostic insomniac do at night?

A: Lies awake at night wondering if there really is a dog!

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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Mar 1997 to 10 Mar 1997
***********************************************
