HUMOR Digest - 8 Mar 1997 to 9 Mar 1997
There are 6 messages totalling 179 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. "British humo(u)r"
  2. Famous words <contains the F word>
  3. Bumper Stickers -(More sightings) and a Lawyer "Fact" <Offensive to lovers
     and lawyers>
  4. Various (one w/sexual theme, others clean)
  5. Old Southern Man and Wife (adult)
  6. The King

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Mar 1997 02:49:30 -0500
From:    rlb <rlb@DORUK.COM.TR>
Subject: "British humo(u)r"

>From last week's issue of *The Economist*:

"The British Council teaches "British Humour" to foreigners. Some believe that
this is itself an example of British humour".

Robert

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Mar 1997 13:45:14 GMT2
From:    Master of Disaster <FRANS@WWG3.UOVS.AC.ZA>
Subject: Famous words <contains the F word>

Who said: "It's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind."

Armstrong, Neil Armstrong.

Who said: "Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can
do for your country."

Kennedy, John F. Kennedy.

Who said: "Don't push me, don't you fucking push me!"

Dumpty, Humpty Dumpty.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Mar 1997 07:35:24 EST
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Bumper Stickers -(More sightings) and a Lawyer "Fact" <Offensive to
         lovers and lawyers>

Spotted this bumper sticker in Southern Maine yesterday:

Remember when having sex was safe and making home brew was dangerous?

Lawyer fact #1:

This country has witnessed a dramatic increase of new lawyers and
computers in the last decade - unfortunately for most of us,  the lawyers
did not get twice as intelligent and half as expensive every two years!!

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Mar 1997 14:55:56 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Various (one w/sexual theme, others clean)

Ride 'em Cowboy!
     Have you heard about Rodeo Sex?  To do it you have your wife (or
significant other) lay on her stomach and then gently slide into the
"saddle."  After you are both well into the rhythm of the act and in the
heat of passion, call out another woman's name and try to hold on for eight
seconds!
 -----------------------------
Converts
A rabbi was talking with the local Methodist minister and was complaining
that several of the most devout and generous members of the synagogue had
recently converted to the Quaker faith.  "I never thought I'd have to say
that some of my best Jews are Friends!"
 -----------------------------
Dolphins
Did you know that dolphins are so intelligent that within only a few weeks
of captivity, they can train Americans to stand at the very edge of the pool
and throw them fish.
 -----------------------------
The Rabbi and the Priest
     A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one.  Both
cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt.
After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and
says, "So you're a priest.  I'm a rabbi.  Just look at our cars.  There's
nothing left, but we are unhurt.  This must be a sign from God.  God must
have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the
rest of our days."
     The priest replies, "I agree with you completely.  This must be a sign
from God."
     The rabbi continues, "And look at this.  Here's another miracle.  My
car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't
break.  Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good
fortune."   Then he hands the bottle to the priest.
     The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to
the rabbi.  The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and
hands it back to the priest.  The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?"
     The rabbi replies, "No...I think I'll wait for the police."
 -----------------------------
(courtesy of Giggles)
 -----------------------------
"There is no little enema." --Ben Franklin
"A man's greatness can be measured by his enemas." --Don Platt
"Man is his own worst enema." --Cicero
"Nothing would more contribute to make a man wise than to have always an
enema in his view." --Lord Halifax
"If you have no enemas, you are apt to be in the same predicament in
regard to friends." --Elbert Hubbard

With friends like them, who needs enemas?
(recently posted by Beatrice Gilliam in Klatsch, the backstage area of Nerdnosh

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Mar 1997 15:32:20 -0600
From:    Terry Humphrey <humphrey@MINOTAFB.NDAK.NET>
Subject: Old Southern Man and Wife (adult)

This old southern man and his elderly wife were rocking on thier porch one
day when the man reached over and grabbed his wife's breast and said, "You
know, if those things could give milk we could get rid of those pesky cows
and save all that money."  The old woman said nothing and kept rocking.   A
few minutes later he reached back over and grabbed her in the crotch and
said, "You know, if that thing could lay eggs we could get rid of all them
filthy chickens and save all that money."  The old woman said nothing and
kept rocking.  A few minutes later the old lady reached over and grabbed
her husband in the crotch and said, "You know, if you could get that thing
to work we could get rid of your good for nothing brotherand save all that
money."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Mar 1997 12:07:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: The King

The King

It is always interesting to look back on the careers of the greats of the
entertainment world and see their first, stumbling efforts on the path
the greatness.

Elvis Presley was a young lad fresh from the farm when he first started
trying to cut a record.  He was, in those days, accompanied everywhere by
his pet pig.

Virtually all of his songs were ballads eulogising this porker of whom he
was inordinately fond.  There were those who tried to say that he would
never make it to the big time unless he changed his subject matter.  How
wrong they were!

One day Presley turned up at the studio without the pig.  They asked
where the animal was.  Tearfully, he explained that his pick-up had
broken down on his way into town.  He had put a leash on the pig and
started to walk the rest of the journey.  Just where the road runs
closest to the river, the pig had broken free and rushed onto the verge
in search of something edible.  Losing its footing on the wet grass, it
slid into the river and became embedded in the mud.  Try as he might,
young Presley could not free his pet.  Time and again he struggled into
the waters - a raging torrent after recent rains - but despite his best
efforts, the animal had sunk deeper and deeper in the mud, its
panic-stricken struggles to free itself only making matters worse.
Eventually just its snout could be seen above the water, and then even
that disappeared.

Furiously young Presley castigated himself for his failure to save the
creature closest to his heart.

"Maybe you'll sing about something else now?" they asked.

"The hell I will!" he shouted, and defiantly propped a picture of the pig
on the music stand.  Immediately he struck the first chord of the song
which was destined to be among his greatest hits, and sang "You ain't
nothing but a drowned hog.."

---
Television is democracy at its ugliest.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Mar 1997 to 9 Mar 1997
**********************************************
