HUMOR Digest - 7 Mar 1997 to 8 Mar 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 374 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. A recipe for men who would cook (clean)
  2. Question <Adult>
  3. Wife batterers (very off. to battered women)
  4. Political Correctness
  5. MS to unveil Web Drama
  6. Anguished English
  7. Joke offensive to frogs
  8. Monkeys & Death <non offensive...I think>
  9. Get Thrown Out of Chem Lab
 10. Pinoke (fwd)

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 1997 12:51:34 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: A recipe for men who would cook (clean)

RECIPE FOR BRUCE STROGANOFF
     This simple, yet elegant meal can serve a family of five, mainly
because at least four of them will refuse to eat it.  The leftovers can be
kept in the refrigerator for a long time, though no one I know has ever
actually eaten them except the dog, so I can't speak to how well they keep.
     The ingredients are as follows:
     One frozen loaf of bread dough; One bag of the noodles that are thick
and curly; One onion; One six pack of beer; One and a half pounds of frozen
ground meat; A tub of sour cream; Two cans of Cream of Mushroom soup; (A low
fat version can be made by substituting water for any of the above)
     Though the instructions on the frozen bread suggest four to six hours
of gentle thawing, I recommend you show it who is boss around here and don't
pull it out of the freezer until about an hour before you're going to eat.
Grease the thing with butter until it feels like a slippery brick and stick
it in a bread pan.  Put a towel over the top because you have seen other
people do this.   Pre-heat the oven--the more frozen the loaf, the hotter
you're going to want the oven to be.  I usually shoot for between four and
six hundred degrees.
     Chop up the onion until you are sobbing and dump it into a pan.  Heat
the pan on medium until you get impatient, then flip it to high.  Open your
first beer.
     Gradually, a sizzling sound will attract your attention.  This is the
noise onions make as they adhere themselves to the bottom of the pan.  Don't
overreact:  Scraping the onions and flipping them over just means they will
wind up being burned on BOTH sides.  When the smoke alarm begins blaring, it
is time to add the  frozen block of ground beef.
     There is no reason why, at this point, you shouldn't have another beer.
     You know the meat is done when it is black on all sides and still hard
in the middle.  Break it into chunks with a spatula or a screwdriver.  Stir
it around a few times, if it makes you feel better.  Most people recommend
draining the grease from the pan, but I have discovered this is completely
impossible without dumping the meat into the sink (although the onions will
remain in place on the bottom of the pan no matter what you do.)  Once the
meat is in the sink it mixes with the debris in the drain trap and becomes
Something Other Than Bruce Stroganoff.  Perhaps the resulting mixture is
best labeled "The Recipe formally known as Bruce."
     Open the cream of mushroom soup and the sour cream and pour them on top
of the meat.  You don't want to look too closely at the result.  Set a large
kettle of water on top of the stove, stick the bread in the oven, and open a
beer.  And you thought this was going to be tough!
     Eventually the meat mixture will begin burping like a Yellowstone
geyser.   Large clumps of steaming Bruce Stroganoff will eject into the air
and land with a satisfying plop on the stove top, which will make you very
popular with your wife later.  Pour the noodles into the kettle and let 'em
boil.   Check the bread, which should be forming a tough, callous-like skin
on the surface.  When the kettle overflows, remain calm--the cascading water
will cool the burner and cause the boiling the subside, maintaining a safe and
harmonious balance.  Occasionally, pick a noodle out with a fork and throw
it against the wall.

	1.  Throw the noodle, not the fork.
        2.  If the noodle sticks to the wall, it is because
	    (a) your dinner is ready, or
	    (b) the wall is so tacky from cooking noodles in
	        the past that an oil slick would stick to it.
        3.  If the noodle ricochets off the wall and breaks some
            dishes, you might want to let them boil a little longer.

     By now the delicious smell of the bread is filling your house, and your
children are calling their friends in a desperate attempt to be invited
somewhere else for dinner.  Pull the bread out and extinguish the flames by
pouring water on it.  Dump the noodles in the sink where, interestingly
enough, they will all be stuck together in one large, starchy mass.  Chop
this up with the screw driver, toss on a hunk of bread, and pour the sauce
liberally over the top.
     Enjoy.
(courtesy of the Cameron Column)

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 1997 08:08:16 -0500
From:    JOHAN VAN ZYL <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Question <Adult>

Q : What happens when a Jew with an
    erection walks into a wall?

A : He breaks his nose.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 1997 11:07:33 -0500
From:    Ralph Welsch-Lehmann <Ralph_Welsch-Lehmann@DBNA.COM>
Subject: Wife batterers (very off. to battered women)

     What do thousands of battered wives have in common?

     They just can't shut the fuck up!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 1997 10:23:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Political Correctness

...who says we're not getting too politically correct?

=========================================================

Some excerpts from the Quarterly Review of Doublespeak (NCTE).

A reader reports that when the patient died, the attending doctor
recorded the following on the patient's chart:  "Patient failed to
fulfill his wellness potential."

Another doctor reports that in a recent issue of the American Journal
of Family Practice fleas were called "hematophagous arthropod vectors."

The letter from the Air Force colonel in charge of safety said that
rocket boosters weighing more than 300,000 pounds "have an explosive
force upon surface impact that is sufficient to exceed the accepted
overpressure threshhold of physiological damage for exposed personnel."
In other words, if a 300,000-pound booster rocket falls on someone, he
or she is not likely to survive.

A reader reports that the Army calls them "vertically deployed anti-
personnel devices."  You probably call them bombs.

At McClellan Air Force base in Sacramento, California, civilian
mechanics were placed on "non-duty, non-pay status."  That is, they were
fired.

A personal ad from an unidentified mewspaper announces that a "for-
merly single man" seeks a single or married woman.

After taking the trip of a lifetime, our reader sent his twelve rolls
of film to Kodak for developing (or "processing," as Kodak likes to call
it) only to receive the following notice:  "We must report that during
the handling of your twelve 35mm Kodachrome slide orders, the films were
involved in an unusual laboratory experience."  The use of the passive
is a particularly nice touch, don't you think?  Nobody did anything to
the films; they just had a bad experience.  Of course our reader can
always go back to Tibet and take his pictures all over again, using the
twelve replacement rolls Kodak so generously sent him.

The description on the package of Stouffer's Veal Tortellini with Tomato
Sauce says it contains "exquisite egg pasta."  The list of ingredients,
however, includes "cooked noodle product."

In St. Louis there is an oriental rug store that advertizes "semi-
antique" rugs.

The Minnesota Board of Education voted to consider requiring all
students to do some "volunteer work" as a prerequisite to high school
graduation.

Senator Orrin Hatch said that "capital punishment is our society's
recognition of the sanctity of human life."

According to the tax bill signed by President Reagan on December 22,
1987, Don Tyson and his sister-in-law Barbara run a "family farm."
Their "farm" has 25,000 employees and grosses $1.7 billion a year.  But
as a "family farm" they get tax breaks that save them $135 million a
year.

Scott L. Pickard, spokesperson for the Massachusetts Department of
Public Works, calls them "ground-mounted confirmatory route markers."
You probably call them road signs, but then you don't work in a
government agency.

It's not "elderly" or "senior citizens" anymore.  Now it's "chrono-
logically experienced citizens."

According to the FAA, the propeller blade didn't break off, it was just
a case of "uncontained blade liberation."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 1997 17:51:55 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: MS to unveil Web Drama

March 7, 1997: For Immediate Release

Microsoft(TM) announced today plans to present a daily
web soap opera which revolves around Microsoft's(TM)
suite of Internet software. The site will chronicle the
daily adventures of a Microsoft(TM) Internet Development
Team and their efforts to conquer and dominate the online
universe. The site, tentatively called "The Fug"(TM), parallels
other well-known webspodic dramas, such as "The Spot".

Daily episodes will depict the MicroSerfs'(TM) struggles against
embarrassing, International announced "Feature Bugs" in their
extensively tested software. A Microsoft(TM) spokesman said,
"We expect to present fresh content almost daily, with new bugs
being announce almost faster than we can create them, we'll
never run out of carefully crafted, compelling drama for the
web surfer to enjoy."

The Microserfs(TM), along with their bikini-clad girlfriends, will
also do battle with MSHackers(TM) and their main protagonist, a
Linux-toting CyberVillian(TM), Linus (portrayed by Matt LeBlanc of
"Friends" fame). "The Fug"(TM) will join the other multimedia web sites
featured on Microsoft's(TM) Internet Service web site.

Disclaimer: On first look, it should be obvious to all that this
is a joke, I, for some reason, feel compelled to point this out to
any reader who may be lacking in the "sense of humor" department
(Microsoft(TM) maybe) and as being a parody, it is protected as
free speech under the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution(TM) (for
now anyways).

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 1997 10:06:40 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <JBRENTS@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: Anguished English

These are reprinted without permission from Anguished English by Richard
Lederer.  This selection is from student papers.

*Avirgin forest is a place where the hand of man has never set foot.
*Although the patient had never been fatally ill before, he woke up dead.
*I expected to enjoy the fillm, but that was before I saw it.
*Arabs wear turbines on their heads.
*When there are no fresh vegetables, you can always get canned.
*It is bad manners to break your bread and roll in your soup.
*The problem with intersexual swimming is that the boys often outstrip
 the girls.
*Running is a unique experience, and I thank God for exposing me to the
 track team.
*The dog ran accross the lawn, emmitting whelps all the way.
*A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
*We had a longer holiday than usual this year because the school was
 closed for altercations.
*The bowels are a, e i, o, u, and sometimes w and y.
*The death of Francis Macomber was a turning point in his life.
*The Gorgons had long snakes in their hair.  They looked like women, only
 more horrible.
*Zanzibar is noted for its monkeys.  The British govenor lives there.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 1997 18:47:18 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Joke offensive to frogs

A princess would often go a wandering through the woods searching
for enchanted frogs who might actually be a handsome prince under
a spell.  One day she found an exceptionally ugly frog. Picking it
up she asked, "Are you a prince under a spell?  If I kiss you, will
you turn back into a prince?"  The frog replied, "Actually I am,
but the wizard was very powerful, it'll probably take a blow job".

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 1997 20:31:50 -0600
From:    John West <jwwest@UALR.EDU>
Subject: Monkeys & Death <non offensive...I think>

"Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?"
"Because it was dead."
Author Unknown

PURPOSE:  To dispel the myth that monkeys, apes, and other simians do
not have a keen awareness of the concept of death, and hopefully to
provide for the "humane" treatment of each of these species.

Since as far back as I can remember, members of my species have been
used in experiments to find ways to prolong the Human Race.  These
include strapping apes into rockets, and launching them into space.
Putting them in new safety helmets and then attempting to crush their
skulls with heavy objects, and most recently testing the effects of
various drugs and narcotics so the effects on the apes can be translated
into the effects on humans.  Now I probably need to preface myself and
say I will be using the word "monkey" to represent the spectrum of apes,
monkeys, orangutans, gorillas and the like.  I do not do this to be
derogatory to one species or another, but since this is written for the
human species, I will use the word "monkey", because frankly most humans
wouldn't know the difference.

I should also like to point out the word "humane" used in my purpose
statement, is kind of humorous, since we in fact are not human, and
contrary to popular belief, did not evolve into humans.  Had we done so,
why are we still here???"

Personally I've been aware of the concept of death since I witnessed the
brutal slaying of my parents, by a group of circus people in the jungles
of Africa.  I was with both of them as they took their final breath and
then were kicked off to the side.  I only pray that after we left, they
were given the proper burial by family members who I think survived.  My
cousin "Slappy" (not his real name) and I were stuck in a crate and
flown off to the United States, "land of the free, home of the brave".
(I've also grown to appreciate the humor in that statement as well.)
There we were "trained" to ride elephants, and other menial tasks for
the enjoyment of your children.  Being young and ignorant at the time I
"learned" these tasks (that I had been doing in my home in Africa for at
least 5 years) and performed them for more than 15 years.  "Slappy" on
the other hand, being older and wiser, refused to perform under those
conditions and was shipped off to an experimental lab.  I've never heard
from him since.

During my time with the circus I became extremely familiar with death.
My closest friend and confidant, Cocoa, was killed in a horrible
tightrope accident.  Cocoa was a chimpanzee and until that time was the
first monkey to work outside the realm of elephant riding and clown
slapping.  He worked closely with THE BALANCING BAMBINO BROTHERS.
During an attempt of a handstand across a tightrope, Alphonso Bambino
lost his balance and fell 6 stories to his death.  Cocoa, was directly
behind Alphonso.  Well you know the old saying, "Monkey see....monkey
do".  In fact I believe that is the first time it was said.  Cocoa was
talented, just not very smart.

I've experienced death several times since then and each time I find in
none less painful.  I hope this brief, yet informative narrative is
proof enough, that the concept of death is not a stranger to my kind.  I
know death, I've felt death, and I fear death.  Although life has not
always been kind, I still prefer it over the dark nothingness of death.

*************
Ok, it might not have been THAT funny, but it's my original work

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Mar 1997 00:44:51 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: Get Thrown Out of Chem Lab

Top Ten ways to get thrown out of chemistry lab

10. Pretend an electron got stuck in your ear, and insist on
    describing the sound to others.

9. Give a cup of liquid nitrogen to a classmate and ask, "Does
   this taste funny to you?"

8. Consistently write three atoms of potassium as "KKK."

7. Mutter repeatedly, "Not again... not again... not again."

6. When it's very quiet, suddenly cry out, "My eyes!"

5. Deny the existence of chemicals.

4. Begin pronouncing everything your immigrant lab instructor says
   exactly the way he/she says it.

3. Casually walk to the front of the room and urinate in a beaker.

2. Pop a paper bag at the crucial moment when the professor is
   about to pour the sulfuric acid

1. Show up with a 55-gallon drum of fertilizer and express an
   interest in federal buildings.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 1997 21:59:54 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Pinoke (fwd)

From: ginger rinkevich <glr@unlinfo2.unl.edu>
From: Bobby H <bob@netxpress.com>

Pinocchio's girlfriend complained that he was giving her splinters
during their love-making.
   He went to the carpenter who made him and asked what he could do
about it.  "Sandpaper, my boy," the old carpenter said. "Use some
sandpaper."
   A couple of weeks later the carpenter saw Pinocchio again and asked,
"So how are you getting on with the girls now, Pinoke?"
   "Girls? Who needs girls?"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 7 Mar 1997 to 8 Mar 1997
**********************************************
