HUMOR Digest - 6 Mar 1997 to 7 Mar 1997
There are 10 messages totalling 380 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Matt Groening Humor (3/3, inoff.)
  2. More definitions
  3. Toothbrush Salesman(S-word)
  4. Green side up! <Not offensive>
  5. Warning Sign: keep your hands off this equipment
  6. Bad luck
  7. More Bumper Snickers
  8. Ashes: Religious perspective
  9. On Drinking <clean>
 10. Newborn Kittens

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Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 1997 09:16:43 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Matt Groening Humor (3/3, inoff.)

ADMITTING MISTAKES:  Women will sometimes admit making a mistake.  The last
man who admitted he was wrong was General George Custer.

RICHARD GERE:  Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous
way.  Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick guy who
works at the health club and dates only married women.

MADONNA:  Same as above, but reversed.  Same reason.

TOYS:  Little girls love to play with toys.  Then when they reach the age of
11 or 12, they lose interest.  Men never grow out of their obsession with
toys.  As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and silly
and impractical.  Examples of men's toys: little miniature TV's.  Car
phones.  Complicated juicers and blenders.  Graphic equalizers.  Small
robots that serve cocktails on command.  Video games.  Anything that
blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D" batteries to operate.

PLANTS:  A woman asks a man to water her plants while she is on vacation.
The man waters the plants.  The woman comes home five or six days later to
an apartment full of dead plants.  No one knows why this happens.

CAMERAS:  Men take photography very seriously.  They'll shell out $4000 for
state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and take photography
classes.  Women purchase Kodak Instamatics.  Of course, women always end up
taking better pictures.

LOCKER ROOMS:  In the locker room men talk about three things: money,
football, and women.  They exaggerate about money, they don't know football
nearly as well as they think they do, and they fabricate stories about
women.  Women talk about one thing in the locker -- sex.  And not in
abstract terms, either.  They are extremely graphic and technical, and they
never lie.

GARAGES:  Women use garages to park their cars and store their lawnmowers.
Men use garages for many things.  They hang license plates in garages, they
watch TV in garages, and they build useless lopsided benches in garages.

MOVIES:  Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene.
This is because every movie in the history of movies has been produced by a
man.  The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is Richard
Gere.  This is another reason why men hate him.

JEWELRY:  Women look nice when they wear jewelry.  A man can get away with
wearing one ring and that's it.  Any more than that and he will look like a
lounge singer named Vic.

SPORT ARENAS:  Simply put, men can always find their way around stadiums and
arenas.  The women usually end up following men.

TIME:  When a woman says she'll be redy to go out in five more minutes,
she's using the same meaning of time as when a man says the football games's
just got five minutes left.  Neither of them is counting time outs,
commercials, or replays.

CONVERSATION:  Men need a good disagreement to get talking, e.g., "Wow,
great movie.", "What are you, nuts?  No REAL cop would have an Uzi that
size.", "Well, maybe he got it because he knew about those Mafia guys", etc.
Women, not having this problem, try to initiate conversations with men by
saying something agreeable: "That garden by the roadside looks lovely."  "Mm
hmm."  Pause.  "That was a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah."
Pause.  And so on.

FRIENDS:  Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.  Men on a boys'
night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the
Doritos" or  "Got any more beer?"

RESTROOMS:  Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons.  Women use
restrooms as social lounges.  Men in a restrooms will never speak a word to
each other.  Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together
like old friends.  And never in the history of the world has a man excused
himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tots, I was just about to
take a leak.  Do you want to join me?"

=================================================
Brian Myers, an American in Cape Town.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 1997 07:06:23 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: More definitions

    Oxymoronic:      Electroshock Therapy

    Censor:          Person who knows more than he thinks you
                     ought to.

    Conscience:      Inner voice that warns you someone
                     may be looking.

    Coward:          One, who in perilous emergency, thinks
                     with his legs.

    Idiot:           A member of a large and powerful tribe
                     whose influence in human affairs has
                     always been dominant and controlling.

    Responsibility:  A detachable burden easily shifted
                     to the shoulders of God, Fate, or some
                     other unsuspecting person.

    Spouse:          Someone to stand by you through trouble
                     you might not have had if you remained
                     single.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 1997 08:14:03 -0500
From:    Mark Morris <Whrek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Toothbrush Salesman(S-word)

Once there was this harelipped guy, who was unable to get any kind of good
job. When finally he was down to his last $100, he saw an ad in the paper
about how you could make loads of money. Well, he went to the address in the
ad, which turned out to be a hotel room, and knocked on the door. The man
answering the door let him in and started on his sales pitch. Of course, this
was a con game designed to separate the harelip from his money. "My boy," the
con man stated," I am here to show you how to make loads of money in a very
short time. What you have to do is give me $100 for this sales kit, and you
can start making money today."
The harelip gave him his money for the sales kit, and opened it up to reveal
a rack of toothbrushes."Hwhat, ham I hgoing to hdo with hthese?" he said.
"All you have to do is go door-to-door and sell these." the con man
explained.  "Well hokay" said the harelip, and exited the room.
The harelip kept going from door to door asking "Hyou hwant to buy a
htoothbrush?" and getting door after door slammed in his face. After a while
he thought that maybe he was gettin taken so he went back to the con man and
complained.
The con man, seeing that maybe the gig was up, stalled him by telling him all
he needed was a gimmick, and he'd be rich. So the harelip departed, feeling
more confident now.
Meanwhile, the con man decided to skip town and went to the airport, where he
was astonished to see the harelip at a table there, selling toothbrushes as
fast as he could hand them out. He went over to the harelip and, thinking
maybe he really did find a gimmick he could use, asked the harelip about it.
"Oh yeah" said the harelip whilst passing out more toothbrushes" I found the
hright hgimmick all right. Here have some dip." The com mans saw all the
chips and dips spread about the table, grabbed a potato chip and dipped it
into the dip and ate it. He started gagging and proclaimed"Aagh! This dip
tastes like shit!!"
The harelip said, "It is! Hyou hwant to hbuy a htoothbrush?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 1997 09:42:55 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Green side up! <Not offensive>

A woman was getting an estimate from a painting contractor.  They started in
the living room where she pointed out that she wanted the walls painted off
white and the woodwork a shade lighter.  The contractor made a note on his
paper, went to the window, opened the window, and shouted, "Green side up!"

The woman looked puzzled, but said nothing.

They went into the bathroom where she said she wanted to paint the ceiling
white but the walls blue.  The contractor again made a note and opened the
window and shouted, "Green side up!"

The woman was puzzled again, but still said nothing.

In the bedroom, the woman said she wanted the walls painted yellow.  The
contractor again opened the window and shouted, "Green side up!"

Finallly, the woman asked, "Is there a problem?  Why do you shout 'Green side
up' from every room?"

The contractor was now puzzled but then explained, "I've got a crew of blonde
guys laying sod across the street, and I have to make sure they do it right!"

=========

Revenge for all the blonde jokes about women!!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 1997 10:07:13 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Warning Sign: keep your hands off this equipment

        The following is a very old bit of urban folklore (not in the sense
of an urban legend, but in the category of photocopy humor) which I think I
first say back in the 1960s and, no doubt, goes back much earlier than that.

        There was a time when all engineers were German, hence the fractured
"German" used in the announcement.


                                ACHTUNG!!!!!!!!

        Alles touristen and Non-technischen Lookens Peepers!!  Das Machine
   control is nicht fur Gerfingerpoken und Mittengrabben.  Oderwise is easy
   Schnappen der Spriggenwerk, Blownfuse, und Poppencorken mit Spitzensparken.
   Der Machine is Diggen by Experten only.  Is nicht fur Gerverken by das
   Dumnkopfen.  Das Rubberneken Sightseenen Keepen das Cottenpicken Hands in
   das Pockets.  So Relaxen und Watchen das Blinkenlights.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 1997 20:59:45 +0400
From:    Sampath Samarasinghe <rmsamar@EMIRATES.NET.AE>
Subject: Bad luck

Did you hear about the Death Row convict with bad luck?
When the governor called to stay his execution, he got a busy tone.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 1997 18:35:33 EST
From:    Tim J Nafziger <tnafziger@JUNO.COM>
Subject: More Bumper Snickers

   "I love cats...they taste just like chicken"

   "Out of my mind.  Back in five minutes."

   "Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."

   "I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather....
    ...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car...."

   "It's as BAD as you think, and they ARE out to get you."

   "When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the
    IRS."

   "Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check?"

   "If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"

   "Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students!"

   "Give me ambiguity or give me something else."

   "We are born naked, wet and hungry.  Then things get worse."

   "Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot."

   "He who laughs last thinks slowest."

   "Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."

   "Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."

   "Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be
   happy."

   "We are Microsoft.  Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated."

   "Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home."

   "3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 1997 22:03:35 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Ashes: Religious perspective

For Westerners, this interest in ashes may seem a bit puzzling. But
in a country (India) which frequently uses cremation as a means of
disposing of their dead and ash (sometimes mixed with color) is used
to create religious symbols, ashes are very important. So I hope you
enjoy a little intercultural humor which takes a poke at just about
everybody but the poor communists. (Source: India Discussion Digest,
6 March 1997)

Date: Thu, 6 Mar 97 05:54:14 EST
From: ov@ivana.MIT.EDU (abhijit sengupta)

Taoism:         Fire will burn your ash (!) that's the way it is.
Confucianism:   Confucius say:"Leave your ash in fire,
                The hole will hold till the end of eternity."
Hinduism:       Ashes and holes are everywhere,
                According to Karma they come together,
                Certified for today, tomorrow and millennia ago.
Buddhism:       Your ash, my ash and burning are illusions,
                Concentrate on holes for Mahaparinirvana.
Zen:            Beneath the wings of serenity,
                Your ash burns like hell,
                Do you see any hole? Listen to its silent descent.
Islam:          You said ash, burning is blasphemy.
                Fatwa: You will be be-ashed by Almighty's will.
Jehovah's
Witnesses:      Knock! Knock! Wake up!
                "See for yourself, your ash's burning!"
Atheism:        Yes I know why it burns,
                But where is my ash and where's the hole?
                My arrogance exists, but they don't.
Agnosticism:    Maybe it's your ash, maybe it's mine,
                Maybe ashes, holes exist, maybe the opposite,
                Everything's fine, so is the burning.
Catholicism:    Don't blame the fire of The Holy Father,
                It's your ash and your birth control pills,
                Confess to the Holy Spirit.
Protestantism:  Your ash won't ever burn, just move it.
Judaism:        Why it's always my ash, why?!
Televangelism:  Send money, monkey will pray for your ash,
                If you don't, your ash will burn in hole,
                Forever, remember, send money now!

Caution: Not for humor-impaired. If it irritates, just remember there is
         always someone who is irritated by you before and perhaps more.
         The Truth: Sensible people are the minority.
         Peace be upon Ginger, so she stays faithful forever. ;-) //-OV

(c)Copyright 1997 reserved by Abhijit Sengupta
        [Revealed directly to Swaym Obiyananda on March 6, 1997]

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 7 Mar 1997 09:27:31 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: On Drinking <clean>

     This guy goes up to a bar located at the top of the Empire State
     Building in New York. It looks like a nice place and he takes a seat
     at the bar next to another guy.
     "This is a nice place, I've never been here", the first guy says. "Oh
     really?", the other replies, "it's also a very special bar". "Why is
     that?", the first guy asks.
     "Well, you see that painting on the far wall? That's an original Van
     Gogh, and this stool I'm sitting on was on the Titanic." "Gee, that's
     amazing!", the first guy says.
     "Not only that, but you see that window over there, fourth from the
     right? Well, the wind does strange things outside that window. If you
     jump out you'll fall about 50 feet before the wind catches you and
     you're pushed back up." "No way, that's impossible", the first guy
     replies.
     "Not at all, take a look", the other man replies and walks over to the
     window, followed closely by the first man. He opens the window, climbs
     over the sill and falls out. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet,
     comes to a stop, and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back
     through the window.
     "See, it's fun. You should try it", he says.
     "Try it, I don't even believe I saw it!", the first man shouts.
     "It's easy. Watch, I'll do it again". And with that, he falls out the
     window again. He drops 10...20...30...40...50 feet, comes to a stop,
     and whoosh! He comes right back up and sails back through the window.
     "Give it a try, it's a blast", he says.
     "Well, what the heck, I'll give it a try", the first man says and
     proceeds to fall out the window. He falls
     10...20...30...40...50...60...70...80...90..100 feet and splat! He
     ends up as road pizza on the sidewalk.

     After watching the first man fall to his death, the other guy casually
     closes the window and heads back to the bar and orders another drink.
     The bartender arrives with the drink and says, "You know Superman,
     you're a real jerk when you're drunk".

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 1997 20:05:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Newborn Kittens

What do you call newborn kittens who keep getting passed from owner to
owner?

A Chain litter!

---
Growing OLD is mandatory - Growing UP is optional.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 6 Mar 1997 to 7 Mar 1997
**********************************************
