HUMOR Digest - 5 Mar 1997 to 6 Mar 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 518 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The gynecologist (off. to women)
  2. Confession <maybe off. to us Catholics>
  3. Matt Groening Humor (2/3, inoff.)
  4. The fish supper <some crude language>
  5. Joke-clean:Stalin's stamp...(Offensive to Communists)
  6. Lost Sheep [quite offensive]
  7. "Oh my god! There's an axe in my head!"
  8. Another another OJ joke.
  9. QUOTES
 10. Internet filtering
 11. Quick apology and <HUMOUR> a hamster joke/groan
 12. How about a couple more OJ jokes?
 13. 3 interesting examples of Indian humor
 14. How To Become A Better Liar <clean,off. to lawyers>

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Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 1997 09:29:15 +0200
From:    Altar Ariel <altara@TECHUNIX.TECHNION.AC.IL>
Subject: The gynecologist (off. to women)

Q: What do women prefer - A young gynecologist or an old one?

A: An old one, since his hands are trembling...

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 1997 11:54:15 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Confession <maybe off. to us Catholics>

Tommy goes into a confessional box and says, "Bless me, Father, for I
have sinned. I have been with a loose woman."
The Priest says, "Is that you, Tommy?"    "Yes, Father, it is I."
 "Who was the woman you were with?"
"I cannot tell you, for I do not wish to sully her reputation."
 The priest asks, "Was it Brenda O'Malley?"   "No, Father."
 "Was it Fiona MacDonald?"   "No, Father."
 "Was it Ann Brown?"    "No, Father, I cannot tell you."
 The priest says, "I admire your perseverance but you must atone for
  your sins. Your penance will be five Our Fathers and four Hail Marys."
 Tommy goes back to his pew and his buddy Sean slides over and asks,
 "What happened?"  Tommy replies, "I got five Our Fathers,
four Hail Marys and three good  leads."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 1997 14:02:01 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Matt Groening Humor (2/3, inoff.)

GOING OUT:  When a man says he is ready to go out, it means he is ready to
go out.  When a woman says she is ready to go out, it means she WILL be
ready to go out, as soon as she finds her earrings, finishes putting on her
makeup...

CATS:  Women love cats.  Men say they love cats, but when women aren't
looking, men kick cats.

OFFSPRING:  Ah, children.  A woman knows all about her children.  She knows
about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends
and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.  A man is vaguely
aware of some short people living in the house.

LOW BLOWS:  Let's say a man and a woman are watching a boxing match on TV.
One of the boxers is felled by a low blow.  The woman says, "Oh, gee.  That
must have hurt."  The man groans and doubles over, and actually FEELS the pain.

DRESSING UP:  A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants, empty
the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.  A man will dress
up for: weddings, funerals.

DAVID LETTERMAN:  Men think David Letterman is the funniest man on the face
of the Earth.  Women think he is a mean, semi-dorky guy who always has a bad
haircut.

LAUNDRY:  Women do laundry every couple of days.  A man will wear every
article of clothing he owns, including his surgical pants that were hip
about eight years ago, before he will do his laundry.  When he is finally
out of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a U-Haul
and take his mountain of clothes to the laundromat.  Men always expect to
meet beautiful women at the laundromat.  This is a myth perpetuated by
re-runs of old episodes of "Love, American Style."

WEDDINGS:  When reminiscing about weddings, women talk about "the ceremony".
Men talk about "the bachelor party".

SOCKS:  Men wear sensible socks.  They wear standard white sweat socks.
Women wear strange socks.  Socks that are cut way below the ankles, that
have pictures of clouds, that have a big fuzzy ball on the back.

NICKNAMES:  If Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle go out for lunch, they
will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Deborah and Michelle.  But if Mike,
Dave, Rob and Jack go out for a brewsky, they will affectionately refer to
each other as Bullet-Head, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.

EATING OUT:  ... and when the check comes, Mike, Dave, Rob and Jack will
each throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for $22.50.  None of them
will have anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
back.  When the girls get their check, out come the pocket calculators.

MIRRORS:  Men are vain; they will check themselves out in a mirror.  Women
are ridiculous; they will check out their reflections in any shiny surface:
mirrors, spoons, store windows, Joe Garagiola's head.

MENOPAUSE:  When a woman reached menopause, she goes through a variety of
complicated emotional, psychological, and biological changes.  The nature
and degree of these changes varies with the individual.  Menopause in a man
provokes a uniform reaction -- he buys aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap
and leather driving gloves, and goes shopping for a Porsche.

THE TELEPHONE:  Men see the telephone as a communication tool.  They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people.  A woman can visit her
girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same
friend and they will talk for three hours.

DIRECTIONS:  If a woman is out driving, and she finds herself in unfamiliar
surroundings, she will stop at a gas station and ask for directions.  Men
consider this to be a sign of weakness.  Men will never stop and ask for
directions.  Men will drive in a circle for hours, all the while saying
things like, "Looks like I've found a new way to get there." and, "I know
I'm in the general neighborhood.  I recognize that 7-11 store."

=================================================
Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American :-)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 1997 08:23:59 -0500
From:    paul mccooe <paul_mccooe@CREATIVE.IE>
Subject: The fish supper <some crude language>

     One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper.  A man
     was walking by and said, "Wow what a goddamn fish!"  The sister said
     "Sir, you shouldn't talk to me like that: I'm a nun", and the man said
     "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".

     So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said, "Mother
     superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught".  The mother superior
     said "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!", and the sister said,
     "But mother superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish".  So the
     mother superior said, "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean
     it".  While she was cleaning the fish the monsignor walked in and she
     said, "Monsignor look at the goddamn fish that the sister caught".
     The monsignor said, "Mother superior you shouldn't talk like that!",
     and the mother superior said, "But that's the name of it: a goddamn
     fish." So the monsignor said, "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll
     cook it."

     That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he
     said, "Wow what a nice fish".   And the sister said "I caught the
     goddamn fish",  And mother superior said, "I cleaned the goddamn
     fish",  And the monsignor said, "I cooked the goddamn fish".  And the
     new priest said, "I like this fucking place already!"


     http://indigo.ie/~pmccooe

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 4 Mar 1997 14:35:00 PST
From:    "RAO NIKHIL K. /ILF/BZO" <NIKHIL@ICICIBZO.ICICI.ERNET.IN>
Subject: Joke-clean:Stalin's stamp...(Offensive to Communists)

     When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a
     special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed
     the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international
     quality. The stamps were duly released, and Stalin was pleased. But
     within a couple of days of release of the stamp, he began hearing
     complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and became
     furious. He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to
     investigate the matter. The Chief checked the matter out at several
     post offices, and then reported on the problem to Stalin. He
     said:``Sir, the stamp is really of international quality. The problem
     is, our citizens are spitting on the wrong side.''

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 1997 15:31:40 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Lost Sheep [quite offensive]

So these two cowboys are riding the fence line in Montana looking for
downed wire.  They come upon a ewe caught in bad wire.  The old hand
gets down, unbuckles his belt, etc, does the dirty deed with the ewe.
Looking up at the new guy with him, he says, "Say, would you wanna try
this?"  "I might," he says, "but do I hafta put my head in the barbed
wire?"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 1997 10:47:50 EST
From:    "Martha E. Frantz" <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: "Oh my god! There's an axe in my head!"

My sister, who is not on the contributor's list, suggested I post this.
Because you never know...

-------
How to say
    "Oh my god! There's an axe in my head" in various languages

English:               Oh my god! There's an axe in my head.
Bosnian:               boje moj! sjekira mi je u glavi.
French:                Mon dieu! Il y a une hache dans ma tete.
Visigothic:            Meina guth, Ikgastaldan aqizi-wunds meina
                        haubida
Swedish:               Ah, Herregud! Jag har en yxa i huvudet!
Dutch:                 O, mijn God! Er zit een bijl in mijn hoofd.
Latin:                 Deus Meus! Securis in capite meo est.
German:                Oh mein Gott! Ich habe eine Axt im Kopf!
Japanese:              ahh, kamisama! watashi no atama ni ono ga
                         arimasu.
Norwegian:             Herre Gud! Jeg har en aks i hodet!
Spanish:               Dios mio!  Hay una hacha en mi cabeza!
Hungarian:             Jaj Istenem, de fejsze van a fejemben!!
Middle Egyptian:       in Amun! iw minb m tp-i!
Greek:                 hristo mou!  eho ena maheri sto kefali mou!
Tagalog:               Ay Dios ko! May palakol sa ulo ko!
Danish:                Oh min gud! Der er en oekse i mit hoved.
Afrikaans:             O God!  Daar's 'n byl in my kop!
Polish:                O Moj Boze! Mam siekiere w glowie!
Maori:                 Ave Te Ariki! He toki ki roto taku mahuna!
Italian:               Dio mio!  C'e' un' ascia nella mia testa!
Portuguese:            Meu Deus! Tenho um machado na cabeca!
Klingon:               ghay'cha'! nachwIjDaq betleH tu'lu'!
Bengali:               Oh Allah! Amar mathar upor bash poreche.
Finnish:               Voi Luoja! Paassani on kirves!
Icelandic:             Gud minn godur!  Thad er o:xi i ho:fdinu a mer.
Ancient Greek:         O Theos mou! Echo ten labrida en te mou kephale!
Babylonian:            iliya pashu ina reshiya bashu
Assyrian:              iliya pashum ina reshimi bashu
Welsh:                 A nuw!  Mae bywell yn fy mhen i!
Alsatian:              Lever Gott! Es esch a Axe en miner Kopf!
Swahili:               Siyo! (Huko) Shoka yangu kichwanil!
Slovenian:             Moj Bog! Sekiro imam v glavi.
Irish:                 Mo Dhia!  Ta' tua sa mo cheann.
Esperanto:             Mia Dio!  Hakilo estas en mia kapo!
Marathi:               Aray Devaa!  Majhyaa dokyaat kurhaad aahay.
Hindi:                 Hay Bhagwaan!  Mere sar mein kulhaadi hain.
Russian:               Bozhe moi!  Eto topor v moyei golove!
Hebrew:                Eloi!  Yesh'li ca-sheel ba-rosh sheh-li!
Malayalam:             Entey Deiwame, entey thalayil oru kodali undei.
Latvian:               Ak Dievs! Man ir cirvis galva!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 1997 10:07:35 -0800
From:    "Howard, Dan" <howardd@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Another another OJ joke.


Q.  What's the difference between OJ Simpson and Simba?

A.  Simba is an African lion.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 1997 15:08:40 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <JBRENTS@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: QUOTES

I don't know where these came from or I'd credit the source.
I certainly didn't think them up!

*** DUMB QUOTES TO SOME -- PROFOUND WISDOM FOR OTHERS *****

*  A closed mouth gathers no feet.

* A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

* A penny saved is ridiculous.

* A penny saved is just another damn thing for the cat to knock off
  of the dresser.

* All that glitters has a high refractive index.

* Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

* Anarchy is better than no government at all.

* Any small object when dropped will hide under a larger object.

* Be moderate where pleasure is concerned, avoid fatigue.

* Death is life's way of telling you you've been fired.

* Death is Nature's way of saying 'slow down'.

* Don't force it, get a larger hammer.

* Earn cash in your spare time...blackmail friends.

* Entropy isn't what it used to be.

* Fairy tales: horror stories for children to get them used to reality.

* God did not create the world in 7 days. He pulled an all-nighter
  on the 6th.

* Going the speed of light is bad for your age.

* Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

* Herblock's Law: If it's good, they will stop making it.

* History does not repeat itself, historians merely repeat each other.

* It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.

* It works better if you plug it in.

* It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

* Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.

* Let not the sands of time get in your lunch.

* Mediocrity thrives on standardization.

* Quoting one is plagiarism. Quoting many is research.

* Reality is the only obstacle to happiness.

* The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 1997 18:01:49 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Internet filtering

 Hi Mary Kay -
 I've been sending this note out to a couple of people, and thought you'd be
 interested in hearing this story - I know you're attuned to net censorship
 issues.
 Here at the Medical Center, my unit recently installed an Internet kiosk in
 the hospital, which is basically a computer in a big cabinet with an
 Internet connection. It's been locked down (after the first hour someone
 bookmarking the Playboy web site) to where you can't get off the KUMC web
 site.
 For further precautions, they installed a copy of SurfWatch, which I'm sure
 you know to be a website blocking software that runs down a master list of
 words and excludes sites in which these words are mentioned. Well, shortly
 after installing the software, the entire KUMC library's web site was
 blocked by SurfWatch. For several days, people tried to figure out what was
 causing it. Finally this morning everyone hit on it: the name of the
 library itself. It's the Archie R. Dykes Medical Library. Think about it.
 After several frantic calls to SurfWatch, and a few panicked sales &
 marketing reps intermixed with their technical staff flying on and off the
 phone, they finally admitted that their software excluded the use of
 'dyke.' They're issuing an update filter immediately to all of their
 customers and an apology. You might hear about this on some of the
 anti-censorship lists.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 1997 09:54:36 -0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: Quick apology and <HUMOUR> a hamster joke/groan

Thank you to everyone who emailed me to tell me in assorted tones that
the history of computers came from "Dave Barry in Cyberspace". My
apologies to Dave Barry for not knowing about the ownership or him.

Please note that what follows is a 'groaning' joke which could have been
made much longer.

-----

Tommie had this brilliant idea for a new speciality food - hamsters.
After surveying the public he decided that the best form to present the
animals would be by boiling them in salty water to produce a type of
ham, which seemed appropriate given the name of animal. So he boiled one
as a sample and, after it had cooled, cut off a small slice. However,
the taste was awful. Whilst wondering what to do with the remains of the
hamster a friend rang him to say that the health inspectors were going
to raid him for preparing illegal food.

Desparately Tommie buried the hamster in his garden. Incredibly a plant
began to grow from the small burial mound almost immediately. At that
moment a group of health inspectors burst into his house and began a
major search for anything incrimidating. Thinking that the plant, which
was almost full grown now, would provide a perfect disguise for the
grave Tommie relaxed.

The chief inspector walked out into the garden and spotted the flower
emerging from the plant - it was a venus flytrap, but unusual in that
its edges formed what looked like two lips. "Arrest him for the
ill-treatment of hamsters", said the inspector.

After they had dug up the cooked hamster Tommy asked, "But how did you
know where it was buried?".

"Easy", replied the inspector, "everyone knows from the song that you
get 'two lips from hamster ham'!"

You were warned! :)

-----

(Those of you not old enough to remember, there is a song called "Tulips
from Amsterdam")

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 1997 21:03:19 EST
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: How about a couple more OJ jokes?

Stuff you wish you knew during the first trial:

Just revealed:
OJ's favorite running back play when he was with the Bills - Slash left,
cut right!

The blood work results on OJ :
Bad News:      It was definitely his blood at the murder scene.
Good News:   His cholesterol level was 130!

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 5 Mar 1997 22:09:25 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: 3 interesting examples of Indian humor

Innocent humor from the March 4th India Discussion Digest

Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 18:22:44 +0530 (IST)
From: V Mehar Venkateshwarlu <meher@venus.hclt.com>
Subject: Adventures of Mr. X

Mr. X is a kind of person who makes fools out of others.
This section highlights such adventures.
==========================
Mr. X made fools out of ten X.I.T. Professors (Probably he proved
it again).  He invited them for a round table conference.

The conference went on for about one hour.  But none of them noticed
that there was not a single round table.


I recall one Mr X joke that is NOT substitutable. It is a Mr X joke
in protected mode. Can't be emulated by other ethnics.

Mr X got a money order. The postman marked the form and asked Mr X to
sign. Mr X said, "Why? you have put my sign there already."

 -----------------------------

Date: Tue, 4 Mar 1997 06:18:14 -0800 (PST)
From: "Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan" <murthy_sk@hotmail.com>
Subject: How close can you get to the red-light district

Inside a crowded bus, Raju & Prithvi were trying to make way to the
exit. Raju seemed very aggressive, when Prithivi queried "Why are you
in such a hurry, the bus stop is not that near?" Raju said "Yes, I
know. But if we are lucky, we can get down near the red-light area
itself." Prithvi stumped, looked ahead to see the traffic signal
change from green to yellow.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 6 Mar 1997 10:55:09 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: How To Become A Better Liar <clean,off. to lawyers>

 BECOME A BETTER LIAR
 IT'S EASY!
 Just follow these 12 steps.

 1) First of all, minimize your lies.
   If you lie all the time, people will never believe you.

 2) Try to cry while you're lying.
    Everyone believes someone who's crying.

 3) Always swear to god
   (not God with a capital "G".....you'll be punished severely!)
    Little "g" god can mean Zeus or Poseidon or Money.

 4) Emphasize each word
    (e.g. I...SWEAR...TO...gOD!!!!)

 5) Break something (a dish or a vase)
    if you detect that the listener is even remotely doubting you.

 6) Always say: "Ask so-and-so. They'll back me up on this."
    Be sure to name your best friend, though.
    Best friends always side with you whether you're lying or not.

 7) Plan out your lie ahead of time.
     Never ad lib, you'll stutter.

 8) Never stutter!

 9) Never stay in the same city for more than a few months.
    People catch on to your line of crap in 2 to 3 months
    on the average.

 10) Don't take chances on lies that can be easily researched.
     For instance, don't say you own Don Quixote's original sword.
     Your listener might find out that Don Quixote was a fictional
     character.

 11) Stick to your lie NO MATTER WHAT!!!

 12) Try going to law school.  You can make good money, too!

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 5 Mar 1997 to 6 Mar 1997
**********************************************
