HUMOR Digest - 28 Feb 1997 to 1 Mar 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 686 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Stutter <adult, some sexual content>
  2. Addicted to the Web
  3. Chemistry Final (not offensive)
  4. Sweet Justice (non-offensive)
  5. <No subject given>
  6. Case Of The Naughty Nectar <some profanity>
  7. Del key?
  8. Not offensive <maybe suggestive, maybe gross but not offensive>
  9. Wedding Night <suggestive, offensive to Kangaroos?>
 10. UNFLATTERING SURNAMES (News Story: Clean )
 11. 50 ways to get rid of a blind date 2/2
 12. The Butcher <adult language>
 13. Manners(sexaul, language)
 14. In The News - Humorous News Quips

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Feb 1997 10:36:11 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Stutter <adult, some sexual content>

 A guy walks in to a bar, and says "G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
 The bartender says, "Seems you've got a stuttering problem."
 The guy says, "N-n-no sh-sh-shit?"
  The bartender says, "I used to stutter, but my wife cured me. One
afternoon she sucked me off three times in a row, and I haven't stuttered
since."
The guy says, "W-w-wow, th-th-that's great to kn-kn-know..."
  A week later, the same guy walks in to the bar, and says,
"G-g-gimme a b-b-beer."
 The bartender says, "Why didn't you try what I told you?"
 The guy says, "I d-d-did. It d-d-didn't w-w-work. B-b-but I m-m-must
say, you have a r-r-really nice apartment."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 18:06:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Addicted to the Web

Happily Addicted to the Web
(Sung to the tune of "Winter Wonderland")


Doorbell rings, I'm not list'nin',
From my mouth, drool is glist'nin',
I'm happy -- although
My boss let me go --
Happily addicted to the Web.

All night long, I sit clicking,
Unaware time is ticking,
There's beard on my cheek,
Same clothes for a week,
Happily addicted to the Web.

Friends come by; they shake me, Saying, "Yo, man!
Don't you know tonight's the senior prom?"
With a listless shrug, I mutter, "No, man;
I just discovered abctv-dot-com!"

I don't phone, don't send faxes,
Don't go out, don't pay taxes,
Who cares if someday
They drag me away?
I'm happily addicted to the Web!


---
The gene pool has no lifeguard

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Feb 1997 09:15:43 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Chemistry Final (not offensive)

(My cousin forwarded this to me as a true story)


Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama.  They did
pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, such that
going into the final they had a solid "A".  These two friends were so
confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week (even
though the Chemistry final was on Monday), they decided to go up to the
University of Tennessee and party with some friends. They had a great time.
However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and
didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they found their professor after the
final to explain to him why they missed the final.  They told him that
they went up to the University of Tennessee for the weekend, and had
planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on
the way back, and didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long
time, so they were late in getting back to campus.

The professor thought this over and told them they could make up the final
on the following day.  The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied
that night and went in the next day for the final.

The professor placed them in separate rooms, and handed each of them a test
booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was
worth 5 Points.  It was something simple about Molarity & Solutions.

"Cool," they thought.  "This is going to be easy."  They did that problem
and then turned the page.

They were not prepared, however, for what they saw on this page.
It said:   (95 Points)- Which tire ??

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Feb 1997 09:12:32 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Sweet Justice (non-offensive)

     Straight from the news wire.

     UPI 8:49am  Boys made to strip after theft attempt

     WEST PALM BEACH, Fla., Feb. 28 (UPI) - Two south Florida youths are
     NOT only in trouble - they're red-faced today (Friday) after being
     made to run home naked.
        The two brothers, aged 10 and 12, reportedly tried to steal Martin
     Lopez's car while he was fishing but he caught them.
        Lopez says the older boy claimed he had just gotten out of jail and
     begged him not to call police.
        According to Lopez, he was "pretty ticked off," and decided he'd
     take the law into his own hands instead of calling the police.
        "I said, fine.  Strip down and go back to their mother and explain
     to her what happened," Lopez said.
        The boys didn't make it all the way home - they were stopped by
     police who spotted them, clad only in their socks, running alongside a
     road.
        The officers brought the boys in their birthday suits back to the
     scene of the crime and got their clothes before calling their mother.
        As for Lopez, authorities say there is no law on the books under
     which they can charge him.  But they caution other citizens not to act
     as police, judge and jury if they catch someone breaking the law.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Feb 1997 16:57:13 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: <No subject given>

Credit to: Barb Mattson @ nmt.edu for 20 Ways To Confuse Trick-Or-Treaters
(clean):
----------
1. Give away something other than candy.  (Toothpicks, golf balls, bags of
   sand, etc.)
2. Wait behind the door until some people come.  When they get near the
   door, jump out, wearing a costume, and holding a bag, and yell, "Trick or
   Treat!"  Look at them, scratch your head, and act confused.
3. Fill a briefcase with marbles and crackers.  Write on it, "Top Secret" in
   big letters.  When trick-or-treaters come, look around suspiciously, say,
   "It's about time you got here," give them the briefcase, and quickly shut
   the door.
4. Get about 30 people to wait in your living room.  When trick-or-treaters
   come to the door, say, "Come in."  When they do, have everyone yell,
   "Surprise!!!"  Act like it's a surprise party.
5. Get everyone who comes to the door to come in and see if they can figure
   out what's wrong with your dishwasher.  Insist that it makes an unnatural
   "whirring" sound.
6. After you give them candy, hand the trick-or-treaters a bill.
7. Open the door dressed as a giant fish. Immediately collapse, and don't
   move or say anything until the trick-or-treaters go away.
8. When you answer the door, hold up one candybar, throw it out into the
   street, and yell, "Crawl for it!"
9. When you answer the door, look at the trick-or-treaters, act shocked and
   scared, and start screaming your head off.  Slam the door and run around
   the house, screaming until they go away.
10. Insist that the trick-or-treaters each do ten push-ups before you give
    them any candy.
11. Hand out menus to the trick-or-treaters and let them order their candy.
    Keep asking if anyone wants to see the wine list.
12. Get a catapult.  Sit on your porch and catapult pumpkins at anyone who
    comes within 50 yards of your house.
13. When people come to the door, jump out a nearby window, crashing through
    the glass, and run as far away from your house as you can.
14. Answer the door dressed as a pilgrim.  Stare at the trick-or-treaters
    for a moment, pretend to be confused, and start flipping through a
    calendar.
15. Instead of candy, give away colored eggs.  If anyone protests, explain
    that the eggs are the only thing you had left over from Easter.
16. Answer the door dressed as a dentist.  Angrily give the
    trick-or-treaters a two-hour lecture on tooth decay.
17. Answer the door with a mouthful of M & M's and several half-eaten candy
    bars in your hands.  Act surprised, and close the door.  Open it again
    in a few seconds, and insist that you don't have any candy.
18. Hand out cigarettes and bottles of asprin.
19. Put a crown on a pumpkin and put the pumpkin on a throne on your porch.
    Insist that all of the trick-or-treaters bow before the pumpkin.
20. Dress up like a bunny rabbit.  Yell and curse from the moment you open
    the door, and angrily throw the candy at the trick-or-treaters.  Slam
    the door when you're finished.


Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Feb 1997 10:22:58 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Case Of The Naughty Nectar <some profanity>

Warning -- Includes phrases ripe with sexual connotation.

       Tonics With Titillating Titles Test Limits Of Good Taste

 By Richard Chacn,Boston Globe Staff, 02/28/97 (c)

 First, there was the scandal over sexually explicit pictures on library
computers. Now, it's the case of the naughty nectar.

 In another instance that has angry parents questioning the limits of
decency in freedom of expression and business, many have turned their
tongues toward a line of soft drinks that bear names like Fukola, Rat
Bastard Root Beer and Love Potion No. 69.

 The beverages - which are produced by a Pasadena, Calif.-based company
owned by former musicians - have been quietly making their way over the
last few years from hip coffee bars and clothing shops into mainstream
convenience store chains like Store 24.

 But complaints from parents and teachers who are worried that the drink's
racy labels are too accessible to minors have sent city officials
scrambling to put an end to the profane pop.

 Yesterday, when asked about the product, Mayor Thomas M. Menino vowed to
do his, uh, darnedest to have the drink removed from shelves in Boston
stores. He said he has received a promise from Robert Gordon, Store 24's
president, that the bottled beverages will be taken out of the store's
inventory by tonight.

``I'm embarrassed by this stuff,'' Menino said after scrutinizing some of
the labels, which include phrases ripe with sexual connotation.

 Menino added: ``My concern is that the wrong message is being sent to
young people. Yes there's a First Amendment issue here, but this beverage
is too readily available to young people.''

``Because we've received community complaints and a call from the mayor's o
ffice, we have agreed to take the product out of our stores,'' Gordon said
last night.``We do not think it's a harmful product. We like irreverent
products and thought that this was humor and even a tongue-in-cheek
product. But if the community is upset, we're happy to take it out.''

 In a telephone interview last night, a spokesman with the beverage
company, who identified himself as ``Joe Bones,'' said one label, contrary
to what most people might think, is pronounced ``foo-kola.''

``We're a bunch of ex-musicians, so this is like music to us,'' Bones said,
adding that they have provided their drinks to corporate clients such as
Microsoft and for West Coast movie premieres. ``For us, the lyrics are the
label and the music is in the bottle.''

``We don't really sell that many,'' said a store clerk who declined to give
his name. ``Sometimes we sell to teenagers and people in their 20s, but
part of the problem is that it's too expensive.''

 While most soft drinks sell for about $1, these beverages range from $1.60
to $2 per bottle.

 Bones also admitted that the beverages, which contains caffeine and herbs,
have created similar controversies in other markets, most recently in
Webster, where the outcry from officials forced store owners to ban the
beverages.

 But Bones said the controversy won't deter them from peddling their
product around the world, including Japan, where the sodas began selling
last year.

 ``The corporate chains don't want bad publicity,'' Bones added. ``But we
have kids writing us saying they're buying our drinks instead of trying to
buy alcohol or drugs. We're more into doing something to promote brain
function.''


 Editorial assistant Patrick J. Calnan contributed to this story.

* It's been said, that if an author has it's book banned in Boston, it
stands a good chance to make the best seller list

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Feb 1997 16:41:41 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Del key?

QUESTION:
Where do the characters go when I use the backspace or delete key
on my PC?

ANSWER:
If you must know, the characters can go to different places, depending
on whom you ask:

1)  The Catholic's approach to characters:

 The nice characters go to character heaven, where life is good.  The
 characters are bathed in the light of happiness, all their troubles are
 soothed, and there's not a delete key, eraser, or white-out bottle in
 sight.  Most of the nice characters are A's and I's, those that have
 never been, er, involved with other characters.  Often, you'll see A's
 or I's with N's or T's.  These are characters in love:  monogamous on
 the page, together again after deletion.  You'll see quite a few Q's
 too. They seem to feel particularly guilty for no good reason.

 The naughty characters are punished for their sins.  In case you were
 wondering what the difference between a nice character and a naughty
 character is, I'll tell you.  Naughty characters are those involved in
 the creation of naughty words, such as "breast," "sex," "objectivity,"
 and depending upon usage, words such as "feminism," "reproductive
 freedom," "contraception," and "science."  You may ask, and rightly so,
 why the characters are blamed for the words they assemble, when in fact
 they are not responsible for their own configuration.  But we feel that
 a character has an obligation to oppose any naughtiness in its own
 configuration.  If it truly felt guilty about the word it was forming,
 it would rebel.

2) The Buddhist Explanation:

 If a character has lived rightly, and its karma is good, then after it
 has been deleted it will be reincarnated as a different, higher
 character.  Those funny characters above the numbers on your keyboard
 will become numbers, numbers will become letters, lower-case letters
 will become upper-case, and the most righteous and good of letters will
 become C's.  Why C, you ask?  Who knows, but C it is!  If a character's
 karma is not so good, then it will move down the above scale,
 ultimately becoming the lowest of characters, a space.

3) The 20th Century bitter cynical nihilist explanation:

 Who cares?  All characters are the same, swirling in a vast sea of
 meaningless nothingness.  It doesn't really matter if they're on the
 page, deleted, undeleted, underlined, etc.  It's all the same.  More
 characters should delete themselves.  (nihilist characters are easy to
 identify.  They're usually pale and tragic, and they smoke a lot.)

4) The Mac user's explanation:

 All the characters written on a PC and then deleted go straight to PC
 hell.  If you're using a PC, you can probably see the deleted
 characters, because you're in PC hell also.

5) Stephen King's explanation:

 Every time you hit the  key you unleash a tiny monster inside the
 cursor, who tears the poor unsuspecting characters to shreds, drinks
 their blood, then eats them, bones and all.  Hah, hah, hah!

6) Dave Barry's explanation:

 The deleted characters are shipped to Battle Creek, Michigan, where
 they're made into Pop-Tart filling; this explains why Pop-Tarts are so
 flammable, while cheap imitations are not as flammable.  I'm not making
 any of this up.

 7) IBM's explanation:

 The characters are not real.  They exist only on the screen when they
 are needed, as concepts, so to delete them is merely to
 de-conceptualize them.  Get a life.

 8) Environmentalist's Explanation:

 You've been DELETING them????  Can't you hear them SCREAMING???  Why
 don't you go CLUB some BABY SEALS while wearing a MINK, you pig!!!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Feb 1997 10:47:05 -0600
From:    Mike Lucich <mike_lucich@FIDDLEBACK.SUNSETDIRECT.COM>
Subject: Not offensive <maybe suggestive, maybe gross but not offensive>

An army Major visits the sick soldiers, goes up to one private and asks
"What's your problem, Soldier?"
"Chronic syphillis, Sir"
"What treatment are you getting?"
 "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
 "What's your ambition?"

 "To get back to the front, Sir."
 "Good man." says the Major.

 He goes to the next bed.
 "What's your problem, Soldier?"

"Chronic diarrhea, Sir"
 "What treatment are you getting?"
"Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
 "What's your ambition?"
 "To get back to the front, Sir."
 "Good man." says the Major.

 He goes to the next bed.
 "What's your problem, Soldier?"
 "Chronic gum disease, Sir"
 "What treatment are you getting?"
 "Five minutes with the wire brush each day."
 "What's your ambition?"
 "To get the wire brush before the other two, Sir"


http://www.geocities.com/SouthBeach/Marina/2471/

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Feb 1997 11:25:41 -0500
From:    Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
Subject: Wedding Night <suggestive, offensive to Kangaroos?>

Not sure of the author.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to
marry a  man if he has never been (sexually) with a woman. After several
unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the
Australian Outback. They end up getting married. On their wedding night,
she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.

When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the
middle of the room, naked...and all the furniture from the room piled in
one  corner. "What happened?" she asks. "I've never been with a woman" he
says, "but if it's anything like screwing a kangaroo...I'm gonna need all
the room I can get!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Feb 1997 13:18:18 EST
From:    Scott E Patrick <scottpatrick@JUNO.COM>
Subject: UNFLATTERING SURNAMES (News Story: Clean )

UNFLATTERING SURNAMES -- January 26, 1997 - posted on CNN web site at
8:05 p.m. EST -

   BONN, Germany (Reuter) -- Thousands of Germans are keeping unfortunate
   surnames such as Kotz (Vomit), Moerder (Murder), Brathuhn (Roast
   chicken),  even though they could legally change them, a magazine
   reported Sunday.
   The German phonebook lists hundreds of people with the surname Faul
   (Lazy), Fett (Fat), Dreckmann (Filth-man), Dumm (Stupid) and Schwein
   (Pig), the weekly Focus magazine said in an advance release ahead of
   publication Monday. Unflatteringly named Germans said that they mainly
   had problems with their names as children and that later in life they
   had decided not to bow to social pressure to change them.

   "Why should I have a different name from my father and grandfather?"
   said one Herr Schwein.

*****************
Think Globally, Act Locally - John Lennon

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Feb 1997 14:38:53 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: 50 ways to get rid of a blind date 2/2

-- [ From: Russamer * EMC.Ver #2.5.02 ] --

50 ways to get rid of a blind date 2/2


  26.Ask your date how much money they have with them.

  27.Order for your date. Order something nasty.

  28.Refuse to communicate in anything but mime for the entire evening.

  29.Upon entering the restaurant, ask for a seat away from the windows,
     where you have a good view of all exits, and where you can
     keep your back to the wall. Act nervous.

  30.Lick your plate. Offer to lick your date's.

  31.Hum. Loudly. In monotone.

  32.Fill your pockets with sugar packets as well as salt and pepper shakers,
     silverware, floral arrangements... i.e. anything that isn't bolted down.

  33.Hold a debate. Take both sides.

  34.Undress your date verbally. Use a bullhorn.

  35.Auction your date off for silverware.

  36.Slide under the table. Take your plate with you.

  37.Order a baked potato. When the waiter brings your food, hide the
     potato, wait a few minutes, and ask the waiter for the potato you
     "never got". When the waiter returns with another potato, have the
     first one back on your plate. Watch the waiter's face.

  38.Order beef tongue. Make lewd comparisons or comments.

  39.Get your date drunk. Talk about their philosophy. Get it on tape, and
     use good judgment in editing to twist their words around.

  40.Discuss boils and lesions, as if from personal experience.

  41.Speak in Pig Latin throughout the meal.

  42.Take a break, and go into the restroom. When you return to the table,
     throw a spare pair of underwear on the back of one of the chairs.
     Tell your date, with a straight face, "They need to air out."

  43.If they are paying, order the most expensive thing on the menu.
     Take one bite, pretend like the food is disgusting and say "Boy,
     did you get ripped off!"

  44.Bring 20 or so candles into the restaurant. During the meal get up and
     arrange them around the table in a circle. Chant.

  45.Save the bones from your meal, and explain that you're taking them home
     to your invalid, senile old mother, because it's a lot cheaper than
     actually feeding her.

  46.Order your food by colors and textures. Sculpt.

  47.Insist that the waiter cut your food into little pieces. In a similar
     manner, insist that he take a bite of everything to make sure no one has       poisoned your food.

  48.Accuse your date of espionage. Pretend like you have a secret
     microphone hidden on your body and you are talking the CIA.

  49.Don't use any verbs during the entire meal.

  50.Break wind loudly. Add color commentary. Bow.

  51.Bring a bucket along. Explain that you frequently get ill.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Feb 1997 17:40:21 EST
From:    Elvis Was Here <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Butcher <adult language>

A man is conversing with his neighborhood butcher, when a small dog
trots in, holding some money in his mouth.
  The butcher says, "What'll it be today?  Beef?"  The little dog shakes
his head.
  "How bout chicken?"  The dog shakes his head 'no' again.
  The butcher says, "Chops?"  The dog wags his tail wildly.
  "Pork chops?"  Dog shakes his head.
  "Lamb chops?"  The tails wags frantically again.
  "Okay, lamb chops..."  The butcher cuts the meat, takes the money from
the dog's mouth, and puts the wrapped chops in the dog's mouth, and the
little dog trots off.
  "That was amazing!" says the man.
  "Oh, he comes in here every other day or so," says the butcher.
  The man says, "I have to follow that dog and see where he lives!"  He
runs out, spots the dog trotting up the block.  He follows him til the
dog runs up a flight of steps to a house, gets on the porch, raises up
on his hind legs, and rings the doorbell with his nose.  A man comes to
the door, takes the meat from the dog, then WHACKS him on his head as he
yelps by.
  The man watching is outraged.  He storms up to the house, and rings
the doorbell.  When the dog owner appears, the man says, "You know,
mister- that's absolutey the smartest dog I've ever seen.  He goes to
the butcher shop for you, ORDERS the meat, PAYS for it, BRINGS it home,
RINGS the damn doorbell, and you BEAT HIM?????"
  "Yeah," says the man, "That's the 3rd friggin' time this week he
forgot his goddamn key!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 1 Mar 1997 14:16:43 +1100
From:    Mike Laidlaw <mikelaid@COMCIRC.COM.AU>
Subject: Manners(sexaul, language)

two couples went on a blind date and they all came back to a hotel
room and had sexed and played round doing disgusting things .
When they had finished they got back dressed
and the maid said to the first couple why were you making so much noise?
they replied don't worry we will never do it again
Then the maid asked the 2nd couple why they were making no noise and the
female replied " its rude to speak with your mouth full.

Mike Laidlaw
Agricultural Management Services
AUSTRALIA

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Feb 1997 19:52:22 -0800
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Excerpts From The LA Times
Includes some Late Night humor

WARNING: MAY be offensive to teenagers, women, retailers with their cheesy
"holiday" sales, OJ Simpson, Bill Clinton, McDonalds, men who only read the
articles (yeah, right), Michael Jackson, Jack Kevorkian, Sylvester
Stallone, Willie Nelson, Los Angelenos, "militia/patriot/survivalist"
types. Includes references to drug use.

Last Saturday was the birthday George Washington, considered by many to be
our greatest president. Before him, people had to pay full price for
mattresses...

Of course, the generic President's Day holiday also celebrates Abraham
Lincoln's birthday. Abe was assassinated by an actor of minor talent who
became really, really famous as a murderer. Good thing that could never
happen today. (Letterman)

President Bill "We'll leave the light on for you" Clinton says he never
sold the Lincoln bedroom. Technically that's true. It comes free when you
buy the Oval Office. (Leno)

The Grammy Award ceremony was held this week. When the album of the year
was announced, millions of kids throughout the country asked, "Daddy,
what's an album?"

OJ Simpson will be writing a new book. It should be shorter than the last -
it will stop at Chapter 11.

Did you hear OJ's latest explanation? His clone did it.

The FDA says the nations ground beef supplies sometimes contain bone
fragments. A Quarter Pounder is now available in both smooth and crunchy.

Despite court rulings to the contrary, a tax accounting firm in California
is telling people they can deduct the cost of marijuana as a medical
expense. This means the IRS could end up owing Willie Nelson money. (Leno)

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue is out. They're bragging that the
photos were taken in exotic locales such as Aruba, St. Tropez. Like we care
if the pictures were taken at a Fotomat in Barstow? (Leno) It's a popular
issue - the photography was edited by Elaine Farley and the articles were
written by Whogives A. Damn.

Michael Jackson is very excited about his new baby, and can't wait to get
out there and do those father and son things - he wants to teach his kid
how to throw a baseball... how to bait a hook... how to apply eyeliner...
(Letterman)

Dr. Jack Kevorkian is set to retire. He always said he would give it up the
day it stops being fun.

Argentina's vice president has called for a national boycott of "Evita". We
have the same thing here in America - the average American opted to see
"Star Wars" for the eighth time.

Sylvester Stallone is donating his $1 million, 12 foot sculpture of Mozart
to Miami's Center for the Performing Arts. It will be the centerpiece of
their new "Yo, Amadeus" exhibit.

Mobil Oil has a tiny new remote you can use to speed up gas purchases. You
wave it in front of a pump, it turns on. You don't need your wallet. You
don't need your credit card. You just wave this thing and you get whatever
you want. We've had that here in Los Angeles for years. It's called a
handgun. (Leno)

Weather conditions causing failed crops are driving coffee prices up again.
The good news is - Starbucks has 3.9% financing available. (Leno)

The Patriot Matchmaker finds partners for militia/patriot/survivalist
types. You can reach their Web site at www.wackosneedlovetoo.com

Researchers say dogs go through an extended 'teenage' period in their
lives. It's easy to spot - they lie around the house all day.

And finally, a new survey shows that 89% of Americans say rudeness is a
problem in our society. The other 11% said,  "Get lost!"

Ed Lambert (elambert@ix.netcom.com)
(I don't suffer from insanity - I enjoy every minute of it!)

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 28 Feb 1997 to 1 Mar 1997
***********************************************
