HUMOR Digest - 27 Feb 1997 to 28 Feb 1997
There are 16 messages totalling 786 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Lawyers and a Genie (Not offensive, even to lawyers)
  2. Web Site
  3. If you got 'em, smoke 'em (non-offensive)
  4. Two true ones? (inoffensive)
  5. Short Version of the Canonical List of Full deck (not playing with a full
     deck)
  6. Short Version of the Canonical List of Full deck (not playi
  7. A Help While Giving Birth!!!
  8. worms <sexual; offensive to catepillars>
  9. 50 ways to get rid of a blind date <not offensive> part 1/2
 10. Diagnosis.  (a tad risque)
 11. Small joke about the Mafia
 12. Actual signs
 13. Lifesaver flavors - crude
 14. Application to live in Mississippi (may be offensive)
 15. Analogies <some gross, but mainly unoffensive>
 16. Case Of The Sticky Stamp <clean,offensive to Russians>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 08:58:53 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Lawyers and a Genie (Not offensive, even to lawyers)

A paralegal, an associate, and a partner of a prestigious N.Y. law firm
are walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp.  They
rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of
you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the paralegal.  "I want to be in the Bahamas,
driving a speedboat with a gorgeous partner who sunbathes topless."

     Poof! He's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the associate.  "I want to be in Hawaii,
relaxing on the beach with a professional hula dancer on one side and a
Mai Tai on the other."

     Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner.

The partner says, "I want those two back in the library after lunch."


>>>Disclaimer:  I am forwarding a joke that I received from a friend, if she
got it from another Website, I am not aware of it.<<<

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 09:23:27 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Re: Web Site

                Check out this web site for a laugh:

                   www.islandparadise.com/fun/

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 09:24:40 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: If you got 'em, smoke 'em (non-offensive)

     From a friend - no idea if it is true or not.
     ____
Something heard on the radio:

A North Carolina man, having bought several expensive cigars, insured
them against... get this... fire.  After he had smoked them, he then
decided that he had a claim against the insurance company and filed.
The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the
man had consumed the cigar normally.  The man sued.  The judge, stated
that since the company had insured the cigars against fire, they were
obligated to pay.  After the man accepted payment for his claim, the
company then had him arrested for... arson.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 16:37:22 +0200
From:    Brian Myers <bmyers@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Two true ones? (inoffensive)

     The following is a direct quote from the Center for Strategic and
International Studies report on GLOBAL ORGANIZED CRIME;  the author who
introduces the story swears it's true.
     FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that
was under investigation for medical insurance fraud.   After hours of
reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up
quite an appetite.  The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby
pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues.
     The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the
FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.

Agent:  Hello.  I would like to order 19 large pizzas and 67 cans of soda.
Pizza Man:  And where would you like them delivered?
Agent:  We're over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man:  The psychiatric hospital?
Agent:  That's right.   I'm an FBI agent.
Pizza Man:  You're an FBI agent?
Agent:  That's correct.   Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man:  And you're at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent:   That's correct.   And make sure you don't go through the front
     doors.  We have them locked.   You will have to go around to the back
     to the service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man:   And you say you're all FBI agents?
Agent:  That's right.   How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man:  And everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent:  That's right.  We've been here all day and we're starving.
Pizza Man:   How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent:  I have my checkbook right here.
Pizza Man:  And you're all FBI agents?
Agent:  That's right.  Everyone here is an FBI agent.   Can you remember to
     bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear?   We have
     the front doors locked.
Pizza Man:  I don't think so.
Click.
[Contributed by Mohamed Azmeer to Roshan's Hunor List]
====================
Said to be true (who really knows?) . . . .
     When Apollo Mission Astronaut, Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon,
he not only gave his famous "One Small Step for Man, One Giant Leap for
Mankind" statement, but followed it by several remarks, usual com traffic
between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.  Just before he
reentered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark "Good luck Mr.
Gorsky."
     Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some
rival Soviet Cosmonaut.  However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in
either the Russian or American space programs.
     Over the years many people have questioned him as to what the "Good
luck Mr. Gorsky" statement meant.
     A few months ago, (July 5, 1995 in Tampa Bay FL) while answering
questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26 year old question
to Armstrong.
     This time he finally responded.  Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so
Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question.
     When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the
backyard.  His friend hit a fly ball which landed in front of his neighbor's
bedroom window. His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorksy.
     As he leaned down to pick it up, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky
shouting at Mr. Gorsky.  "Oral sex!  You want oral sex?!  You'll get oral
sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!"

=================================================
Brian Myers, Cape Town RSA... but really a closet American

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 11:48:17 -0500
From:    Nathan D Richards <nathanr@K2.ASHPOOL.COM>
Subject: Short Version of the Canonical List of Full deck (not playing with a
         full deck)

FULL DECKISMS
 A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
 A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
 A day late and a dollar short.
 A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
 A doughnut short of being a cop.
 A few beads short in her rosary.
 A few beers short of a six-pack / a six-pack short of a case.
 A few birds shy of a flock.
 A few bombs/melons short of a full load.
 A few bricks short of a wall / hod / load.
 A few clowns short of a circus.
 A few clues shy of a solution.
 A few ears short of a bushel.
 A few feathers short of a whole duck.
 A few fish short of a string.
 A few guppies short of an aquarium.
 A few inches short of a foot/yard.
 A few kernels short of an ear.
 A few links shy of a chain.
 A few open splices.
 A few peas short of a pod/casserole.
 A few pickles short of a jar.
 A few pies short of a holiday.
 A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar.
 A few points short of a polygon.
 A few revisions behind.
 A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic.
 A few screws loose.
 A few shrimps short of a barbie.
 A few spoons short of a full set.
 A few straws shy of a bale.
 A few tiles missing from his space shuttle.
 A few tiles short of a successful re-entry.
 A few too many lights out in his Christmas tree.
 A few volts below threshold.
 A few yards short of the hole.
 A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post.
 A mind like wet tennis shoes...  makes squishy noises when running.
 A modest little person, with much to be modest about.
 A natural talent for finding subliminal messages in ice cubes.
 A Neanderthal brain in a Cro-Magnon body.
 A notch off the timing mark.
 A one-bit brain with a parity error.
 A pacifist out of necessity in a battle of wits.
 A photographic memory, but the lens cover is glued on.
 A prime candidate for natural deselection.
 A quart low.
 A room temperature IQ.
 A semitone flat on the high notes.
 A square with only three sides.
 A teapot with a cracked lid.
 A titanic intellect... in a world full of icebergs.
 A vacuum-tube brain in a microchip world.
 A VGA card and a Herc monitor.
 A victim of retroactive birth control.
 A violin minus the bow.
 A walking argument for birth control.
 A wind-up clock without a key.
 About half smart.
 Afraid she'll void her warranty if she thinks too much.
 Airhead / bubble-brain.
 Aliens zapped him with stupidity ray -- twice.
 All booster, no payload.
 All crown, no filling.
 All foam. no beer. All hammer, no nail. All hat and no cattle.
 All he remembers about his middle name is the first letter.
 All his eggs in the same basket.
 All his learning curves look like Mount Everest.
 All icing, no cake. All lime and salt, no tequila.
 All missile, no warhead. All shot, no powder.
 All the lights don't shine in her marquee.
 All the personality of linoleum flooring / plasticene / putty
 /caulking / saran wrap.
 All the sex appeal of a wet paper bag.
 All wax and no wick.
 Alphabetizes junk mail / T-shirts.
 Always in the right place, but at the wrong time.
 Always loses battles of wits because he's unarmed.
 Always needs to have jokes explained.
 Always sharpening his sleeping skills.
 An early example of the Peter Principle.
 An ego like a black hole.
 An experiment in Artificial Stupidity.
 An expert on the historical significance of cottage cheese.
 An inch short and a stroke early.
 An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
 An XT clone in a Pentium zone.
 Answers the door when the phone rings.
 Any slower and he'd be in reverse.
 As a baby his parents stood him on his soft spot.
 As bright as a night light / small appliance bulb / tulip bulb.
 As happy as if he had brains.
 As happy as the village idiot.
 As quick as a corpse.
 As sharp as a marble / bowling ball / beach ball / pin head /
   wet sponge / bowl of Jello / mashed potato sandwich, and
 twice as smart.
 As sharp as a sack full of wet mice.
 As smart as a politician/lawyer is honest.
 As smart as bait / an automatic e-mail responder script.
 As smart as Christie Brinkley is ugly.
 As thick as two short planks.
 Attic's a little dusty.
 A few fries short of a Happy Meal
 A few tacos short of a combination plate
 A few beers short of a six pack
 One fruit loop short of a bowl
 One color short of a rainbow
 His elevator doesn't go all the way to the top
 The lights are on but no one's home
 Not the sharpest knife in the drawer
 A couple of DJs short of a radio show.
 Too much yardage between the goal posts
 Smarter than a police dog.
 A few clouds short of a storm.
 A few limbs short of a tree.
 A few cars short of a crash.
 Doesn't have both of his oars in the water.
 One word short of a complete ....
 A "W" short of an internet address.
 A politician short of a scandal.
 Missed the clue train.
 Mall is open -- nobody is shopping.
 A bit short of a byte.
 A record short of a file.
 Not the brightest penny in the jar.
 One string short of a guitar.
 One note short of a chord.
 An expresso bean short of a latte.
 A couple of cow-pies short of a pasture.
 5 m.p.h. short of a speeding citation.
 Dumber than a box of hair.
 Doesn't have all his corn flakes in one box.
 The wheel is spinning, but the hamster is dead.
 The cheese slid off his cracker.
 Body by Fisher, brain by Mattel.
 Has an IQ of 2, but it takes 3 to grunt.
 Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
 Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
 Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
 An intellect rivaled only by garden tools.
 Chimney is clogged.
 Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
 Doesn't know much but leads the league in nostril hair.
 Forgot to pay his brain bill.
 Her sewing machine is out of thread.
 His antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
 His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
 If he had another brain it would be lonely.
 Missing a few buttons on his remote control.
 No grain in the silo.
 Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
 Receiver is off the hook.
 Several nuts short of a full pouch.
 Skylight leaks a little.
 Slinky is kinked.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 12:26:43 -0500
From:    Nathan D Richards <nathanr@K2.ASHPOOL.COM>
Subject: Re: Short Version of the Canonical List of Full deck (not playi

	[Post deleted for archival purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 19:43:33 +0300
From:    DHARIF MAZEN ABDALLAH MUHAMMAD <s945986@DPC.KFUPM.EDU.SA>
Subject: A Help While Giving Birth!!!

A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth and the doctor
told them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to
try it out. The machine could take some of the pain of childbirth from
the mother and give it to the father to ease the mother's burden. Well,
they thought that was a good idea and decided to give it a try, so the
doctor set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that even 10% was
probably more pain than he'd ever experienced. But the man was surprised
at how little pain he was feeling & asked the doctor to raise it. So he
put it up to 20% and when the man still felt fine, he raised it to 50%
and finally 100%.
After it was over, the man stood up, stretched a little. Both he and his
wife felt fine. The wife was relieved at having an almost painless
labour.  Later, when they took the baby home, they found the mailman dead
on their doorstep.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 18:07:40 0
From:    Alan Campbell <alanc@MISTRAL.CO.UK>
Subject: worms <sexual; offensive to catepillars>

Q:  What did the worm say to the caterpillar?
A:  Who did you have to have sex with to get that fur coat?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 14:43:17 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: 50 ways to get rid of a blind date <not offensive> part 1/2


50 WAYS TO GET RID OF A BLIND DATE  part1/2

(or fun things to do in a fancy restaurant)

   1.At dinner, guard your plate with fork and steak knife, so as to give
     the impression that you'll stab anyone, including the
     waiter, who reaches for it.

   2.Collect the salt shakers from all of the tables in the restaurant, and
     balance them in a tower on your table.

   3.Wipe your nose on your date's sleeve. Twice.

   4.Make funny faces at other patrons, then sneer at their reactions.

   5.Repeat every third third word you say say.

   6.Give your claim to fame as being voted "Most Festerous" for your high
     school yearbook.

   7.Read a newspaper or book during the meal. Ignore your date.

   8.Stare at your date's neck, and grind your teeth audibly.

   9.Twitch spastically. If asked about it, pretend you don't know what they
     are talking about.

  10.Stand up every five minutes, circle your table with your arms
     outstretched, and make airplane sounds.

  11.Order a bucket of lard.

  12.Ask for crayons to color the placemat. This works very well in fancier
     venues that use linen tablecloths.

  13.Howl and whistle at women's legs, especially if you are female.

  14.Recite your dating history. Improvise. Include pets.

  15.Pull out a harmonica and play blues songs when your date begins talking
     about himself/herself.

  16.Sacrifice french fries to the great deity, Pomme.

  17.When ordering, inquire whether the restaurant has any live food.

  18.Without asking, eat off of your date's plate. Eat more from their plate
     than they do.

  19.Drool.

  20.Chew with your mouth open, talk with your mouth full, and spray crumbs.
     If a crumb lands anywhere near your date, pick up the crumb, put it in
     your mouth and say, "I'm all about conservation."

  21.Eat everything on your plate within 30 seconds of it being placed in
     front of you.

  22.Excuse yourself to use the restroom. Go back to the head waiter/hostess
     and ask for another table in a different part of the restaurant. Order
     another meal. When your date finally finds you, ask him/her "What in the
     hell took you so long in the bathroom?!"

  23.Recite graphic limericks to the people at the table next to you.

  24.Ask the people at the neighboring table for food from their plates.

  25.Beg your date to tattoo your name on their derriere. Keep bringing the
     subject up periodically throughout the meal.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 13:58:29 -0800
From:    "Howard, Dan" <howardd@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: Diagnosis.  (a tad risque)

A fella complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess  I should
see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that! There's a computer in the
lobby of the local Kaiser hospital that can diagnose anything, quicker and
cheaper than even their own doctors or nurse practitioners. Simply put in a
sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your  problem and tell
you what you can do about it. And, it only costs  $10.00"

Figuring he had nothing to lose, he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the local Kaiser hospital. Finding the computer,  he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer  started making some noises and various lights started to flash. After a brief pause, a small piece of paper popped out, on which was  printed: 1. You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor and it will be better in two weeks.  Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology  was and how it could change medical science forever, he began to  wonder if the computer could be
fooled.

He decided to give it a try.  He mixed together some tap water, a stool
sample from his dog, urine  samples from his wife and daughter, and to top
it off he masturbated  into the concoction. He went back to Kaiser and poured
the sample in  while depositing his $10.00. The computer began making the
usual  noise and printed out the following analysis: 1. Your tap water is
hard. Get a softener. 2. Your dog has worms. Give him vitamins.  3. Your
daughter's on drugs. Put her in rehab.  4. Your wife's pregnant. It ain't
your's, get a lawyer.  5. If your don't stop jerking off like that, your
"tennis elbow" will never get better.

Note:  Kaiser Hospital is a California/West Coast HMO.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Feb 1997 00:09:39 +0200
From:    Alar Pardla <Alar@EL.EE>
Subject: Small joke about the Mafia

One mafia guy asks another one:
- "Where do you do your laundry?"
Second mans answers:
- "I wash my cash in Dallas, but my clothes in Vegas."


http://www.jofo.ee/jokes/ 

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 19:11:49 -0300
From:    Carlos Arruda Accioly <caccioly@MAIL.RIO.COM.BR>
Subject: Actual signs

On a pylon:
                        BEWARE!
        TO TOUCH THESE WIRES IS INSTANT DEATH
      Anyone found doing so will be prosecuted

Michigan church leaflet:
        HYMN 326 "Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus!"
                (Congregation seated)

Yorkshire paper:
        FOR SALE, Doctor's sailing dinghy and accessories.
        Doctor no further use.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 16:25:14 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Lifesaver flavors - crude

 Forwarded from June Buggy in Pakistan.

 A teacher was working with a group of underprivileged children,
 trying to broaden their horizons through sensory exploration. With their
 eyes closed, they would feel objects from pumice stones to pine cones and
 smell aromatic herbs and exotic fruits.  Then one day, the teacher brought
 in a variety of lifesavers, more flavors than you could imagine.
 "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these,"
 announced the teacher.  Without difficulty, they managed to identify the
 taste  of cherries, lemons, and mint, but when the teacher had  them put
 honey flavored lifesavers in their mouths, every one of the children was
 stumped.
 "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher.  "It's something your
 Daddy and Mommy probably call each other all the time."
 Instantly, one of the children spat the lifesaver out of his mouth
 and shouted, "Spit 'em out, you guys, they're assholes!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 20:28:08 -0500
From:    Nathan D Richards <nathanr@K2.ASHPOOL.COM>
Subject: Application to live in Mississippi (may be offensive)


               APPLICATION TO LIVE IN MISSISSIPPI

NAME: ___________________________________  C.B. HANDLE: ____________________

ADDRESS: (R.F.D. - H.C.R.) _________________________________________________

DADDY (If unknown, attach list of 3 suspects): _____________________________

MAMA: ______________________________________________________________________

NECK SHADE:  ( ) LIGHT RED    ( ) MEDIUM RED    ( ) DARK RED

NUMBER OF TEETH EXPOSED IN FULL GRIN: _______  UPPER: _______ LOWER: _______

MAKE OF PICKUP OWNED: _____________________  SIZE OF TIRES: ________________

NUMBER OF EMPTY BEER CANS ON FLOOR OF PICKUP: ______________________________

TRUCK EQUIPPED WITH:

( ) GUN RACK       ( ) MUD FLAPS         ( ) CAMPER TOP        ( ) AIR HORN
( ) 8 TRACK        ( ) 4 WHEEL DRIVE     ( ) AMERICAN FLAG     ( ) RUST
( ) FUZZ BUSTER    ( ) LOAD OF WOOD      ( ) HIJACK SHOCKS     ( ) MUD TIRES
( ) SPITTOON       ( ) RUNNING BOARDS    ( ) C.B. ANTENNAS     ( ) ROLL BAR

BUMPER STICKERS:

( ) HONK IF YOU'RE HORNY                    ( ) HONK IF YOU LOVE JESUS
( ) ALMOST HEAVEN, BUCKSPORT                ( ) SNATCH KISSES AND VICE VERSA
( ) OLD FART                                ( ) I LOVE HINEY WINE
( ) SHIT HAPPENS                            ( ) REDMAN CHEWING TOBACCO
( ) WOOD IS WONDERFUL                       ( ) SAVE THE BLACK FLY
( ) DON'T LIKE MY DRIVING?  CALL 1-800-EAT-SHIT
( ) ALL YOU ECOLOGICAL BASTARDS CAN FREEZE IN THE DARK

FAVORITE BEVERAGE:

( ) BUSCH       ( ) STAG                ( ) OLD STYLE     ( ) FALSTAFF
( ) BUCKHORN    ( ) RED WHITE & BLUE    ( ) BUDWEISER     ( ) OLD MILWAUKEE

FAVORITE VOCALIST:

( ) ELVIS                ( ) CONWAY TWITTY        ( ) LORETTA LYNN
( ) SLIM WHITMAN         ( ) JOHNNY CASH          ( ) WILLIE NELSON
( ) DICK CURTIS          ( ) GEORGE JONES         ( ) YOURSELF IN THE SHOWER

FAVORITE RECREATION:

( ) SQUARE DANCING         ( ) COON HUNTING        ( ) FISHING WITH THE BOYS
( ) DRINKING               ( ) BLUE GRASS FEST     ( ) FISHING ALONE
( ) RACE TRACK             ( ) FLOATING            ( ) DEER HUNTING
( ) APPLE BUTTER FEST      ( ) THREE WHEELING      ( ) RODEO

HOW MANY CARS DO YOU HAVE UP ON BLOCKS IN YOUR FRONT YARD? _________________

HOW MANY KITCHEN APPLIANCES ARE ON YOUR FRONT PORCH? ____  HOW MANY WORK? __

NUMBER OF HOUNDS: _________ TYPE: ( ) BLUE TICK   ( ) BEAGLE   ( ) BLACK/TAN

MEMBERSHIPS:

( ) NRA                ( ) VFW    ( ) PTL CLUB           ( ) DUCKS UNLIMITED
( ) FISH & GAME CLUB   ( ) KKK    ( ) WACKY WARRIORS     ( ) ELKS

BASEBALL CAP EMBLEM:

( ) JOHN DEERE            ( ) FORD           ( ) SKOAL            ( ) CAT
( ) BUDWEISER             ( ) CHEVY          ( ) BASS PRO         ( ) EAT ME

ARE YOU MARRIED TO ANY OF THE FOLLOWING?  (Check all that apply)

( ) SISTER            ( ) COUSIN         ( ) COUSIN'S SISTER         ( ) SOW

DOES YOUR WIFE WEIGHT MORE THAN YOUR PICKUP?                 ( ) YES  ( ) NO

DO YOU WEAR MOSTLY POLYESTER PANTS WITH SNAGS?               ( ) YES  ( ) NO

DO YOU OWN ANY SHOES (NOT COUNTING BOOTS)?  IF SO, HOW MANY?  ______________

LENGTH OF RIGHT LEG: _________________ LENGTH OF LEFT LEG: _________________

CAN YOU SIGN YOUR NAME AND SPELL IT CORRECTLY EVERY TIME?    ( ) YES  ( ) NO

HAVE YOU EVER HAD MORE THAN ONE BATH A WEEK?                 ( ) YES  ( ) NO

ARE YOU A REGISTERED VOTER?  ________  DO YOU KNOW WHERE TO DO IT?  ________

DO YOU WONDER IF YOU NEED TO FILE A TAX RETURN?              ( ) YES  ( ) NO

DO YOU WORRY THAT YOUR HOUSE COULD BLOW AWAY IN HIGH WINDS?  ( ) YES  ( ) NO

WHEN WAS YOUR LAST UFO SIGHTING?  ___________   ELVIS SIGHTING?  ___________

MEDICAL INFORMATION (DO YOU HAVE AT LEAST TWO OF THE FOLLOWING?):

( ) B.O.           ( ) CRABS             ( ) HEAD LICE        ( ) BAD BREATH
( ) SCABIES        ( ) YELLOW TEETH      ( ) GREEN TEETH      ( ) FLEAS
( ) RUNNY NOSE     ( ) TATTOOS           ( ) CROSSED EYES     ( ) STUTTER



SIGNATURE (ONE `X' WILL DO)  ___________________________ DATED: ____________

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 20:01:28 -0500
From:    big mike <bigmike@ILINKS.NET>
Subject: Analogies <some gross, but mainly unoffensive>

Winners of the "worst analogies ever written in a high school essay"
contest:

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like
a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country
speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar
eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
(Joseph Romm, Washington)

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to
dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the
door open again.
(Rich Murphy, Fairfax Station)

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a
bowling ball wouldn't.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled
with vegetable soup.
(Paul Sabourin, Silver Spring)

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,
surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and
"Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
(Roy Ashley, Washington)

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access
T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung
by mistake.
(Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.
(Unknown)

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.
(Jack Bross, Chevy Chase)

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.
(Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring)

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie
this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall
Man."
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.
(Jennifer Hart, Arlington)

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on
a Dr Pepper can.
(Wayne Goode, Madison, Ala.)

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that
resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
(Paul Kocak, Syracuse, N.Y.)

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who
had also never met.
(Russell Beland, Springfield)

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet
of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
(Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria)

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like
underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
(Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.
(Unknown)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 28 Feb 1997 11:16:53 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Case Of The Sticky Stamp <clean,offensive to Russians>

      When Stalin completed 25 years of his rule over Russia, he wanted a
      special postage stamp issued, with his picture on it. He so instructed
      the Postmaster General, stressing that it should be of international
      quality. The stamps were duly released, and Stalin was pleased. But
      within a couple of days of release of the stamp, he began hearing
      complaints that the stamp was not sticking properly, and became furious.

      He called the chief of the Secret Service and ordered him to investigate
      the matter. The Chief checked the matter out at several post offices,
      and then reported on the problem to Stalin. He said: ``Sir, the stamp is
      really of international quality. The problem is, our citizens are
      spitting on the wrong side.''

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 27 Feb 1997 to 28 Feb 1997
************************************************
