HUMOR Digest - 26 Feb 1997 to 27 Feb 1997
There are 16 messages totalling 920 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Usenet is like . . .
  2. Age and Sex (adult. Possibly offensive to old folks)
  3. A Great Cup of Tea
  4. THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS... (fwd)
  5. two funnies re sexual aspect
  6. Lines You'll Never Hear on the X-Files (Not offensive, even Scully would
     laugh)
  7. darwin awards<offensive to the dumb>
  8. Excuses.....
  9. Yuh know you're from the Caribbean when....
 10. Top 16 Sneaker Names Rejected by Reebok
 11. Talmudic Debate: Internet Protocol <not offensive>
 12. Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars" <adult>
 13. Canadian citizenship!
 14. The Unix Consultant
 15. Creation Of A Pussy <adult>
 16. Now Your f#@$#@ <contains f-word-sick- off to paraplegics>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 25 Feb 1997 18:33:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Usenet is like . . .

"Usenet is like a herd of performing elephants with
diarrhea -- massive, difficult to redirect, awe-inspiring,
entertaining, and a source of mind-boggling amounts of
excrement when you least expect it."
                                     --- Gene Spafford

---
They said unto Jesus, "How the Hell did you do that?!"

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Feb 1997 11:10:32 -0500
From:    Bob Nordvall <bnordval@GETTYSBURG.EDU>
Subject: Age and Sex (adult. Possibly offensive to old folks)

The item recently posted about the old guy who had snow on the roof but
still had a fire in his  furnace,  reminded me of a joke I heard in 1965
while taking a review course in Chicago for the  Illinois Bar Exam.  The
teacher--Tom Hardy--relieved our  boredom of studying law with a series of
horrible jokes--one of which follows:

A younger man at a bar one night strikes out in his attempts to pick up a
comely female companion for the night.  As it gets near"last call", he sees
an older lady sitting at end of the  bar.  Figuring that he either hooks up
with her or with nobody, he makes his move.  Later when they are in bed
together, she looks up at him and says warmly "just because there is winter
in my hair, doesn't mean that there is no summer in my heart."  He replies
"alright , just because there is winter in your hair does not mean there is
no summer in your heart, but if you don't get some spring in your ass, we
will be here until fall."

Box 399 Gettysburg College, Gettysburg, PA 17325

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Feb 1997 10:39:25 -0600
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: A Great Cup of Tea

Have you noticed that children sometimes try to be helpful, but it only
makes your life more complicated?

I heard a story about a mother who was sick in bed with the flu. Her
darling daughter wanted so much to be a good nurse. She fluffed the
pillows and brought a magazine for her mother to read. And then she
even showed up with a surprise cup of tea.

"Why, you're such a sweetheart," the mother said as she drank the tea.
"I didn't know you even knew how to make tea."

"Oh, yes," the little girl replied. 'I learned by watching you. I put
the tea leaves in the pan and then I put in the water, and I boiled it,
and then I strained it into a cup. But I couldn't find a strainer, so I
used the fly swatter instead."

"You what?" the mother screamed.

And the little girl said, "Oh, don't worry, Mom, I didn't use the new
flyswatter. I used the old one."

When kids try their hardest and they get it all wrong in spite of
themselves, what's a parent to do? What mothers and fathers often do is
prevent their children from carrying any responsibility that could
result in a mess or a mistake. It's just easier to do everything for
them than to clean up afterward. But I urge parents not to fall into
that trap.

Your child needs his mistakes. That's how he learns. So go along with
the game every now and then... even if the tea you drink tastes a
little strange.
                                        -- Dr. James Dobson
                                           Child psychologist

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Feb 1997 13:18:43 -0500
From:    Nathan D Richards <nathanr@K2.ASHPOOL.COM>
Subject: THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS... (fwd)


Date: Wed, 19 Feb 1997 09:32:05 GMT
From: "Smith, Cunningham" <ontheridge@mindspring.com>
Subject: THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS...

A friend passed this on to me today.


THOUGHTS TO GET YOU THROUGH ALMOST ANY CRISIS....

1. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
2. There is always one more son-of-a-bitch than you counted on.
3. If you find something you like, buy a lifetime supply, because they
   will stop making it.
4. All things equal, fat people use more soap.
5. You can't tell which way the train went by looking at the track.
6. Be kind, everyone you meet is fighting a tough battle.
7. This is as bad as it can get, but don't bet on it.
8. There is no substitute for genuine lack of preparation.
9. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
10. Happiness is merely the remission of pain.
11. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
12. Sometimes too much drink is not enough.
13. The facts, although interesting, are irrelevant.
14. The world gets a little better every day and worse in the evening.
15. The careful application of terror is also a form of communication.
16. No one shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is
    serious.
17. Someone who thinks logically is a nice contrast to the real world.
18. Things are more like they are today than they ever have been before.
19. The other line always moves faster until you get in it.
20. Anything worth fighting for is worth fighting dirty for.
21. Everything should be made as simple as possible but no simpler.
22. Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
23. It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
24. I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.
25. To live forever, acquire a chronic disease and take care of it.
26. Suicide is the most sincere form of self-criticism.
27. If you think that ther is good in everybody, you haven't met
    everybody.
28. If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to
    blame.
29. One seventh of your life is spent on Monday.
30. The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.


Hope some of you get a kick out of this... now one of my own:

Life is too short to be an asshole.
                         -Earthman

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Feb 1997 13:17:02 -0500
From:    Gwendolyn E Eckman <geckman@POLARIS.UMUC.EDU>
Subject: two funnies re sexual aspect

After a few years of married life , this guy finds that he is unable to
perform anymore.  He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things
but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him
to a psychiatrist.  After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confess,
" I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured."

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor.

The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a
flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........

The witch doctor says "This is powerful healing but you can only use it
once a year!  All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as
long as you wish!"

The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?"

The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down.
But be warned it will not work again for a year!"

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the
good news.......  So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and
suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?"

----

The physician adamantly refused to perform an abortion.  "Tell you what,"
he told the teenager, "I'll deliver your baby, then pass it to a woman
who's also having a baby, and tell her she had twins."

On the big day, the kid arrived but there were no women to pass the baby
to.  The only other patient was a priest.  Bold as brass, the doctor
decided to press on.  When the cleric recovered from the anesthesia, doc
told him that by some miracle, he had delivered a baby boy.  "That was the
cause of your stomach pains," the doctor lied.

The priest was overjoyed at his divine intervention and vowed to raise the
child as his own.  Many years later, as the priest lay dying, he called
the young man to him and explained his miraculous birth.  "So you see,
son," the priest concluded, "I'm not really your father.  I'm your mother.
The bishop is your father."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Feb 1997 15:01:09 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: Lines You'll Never Hear on the X-Files (Not offensive,
         even Scully would laugh)

Top 10 Lines You'll Probably Never Hear on The X-Files

10. "The alien is speaking, Agent Mulder....I think it wants to phone
     home."
9. "Sure, we could have these people killed to protect what they
    know...but isn't that a little harsh?"
8. "I've seen this one before, Scully. His name is Casper, and he's what
    we call a 'friendly' ghost."
7. "Look under the mask...this is no swamp monster.....it's Mr. Handy,
    the owner of the old country store!"
6. "My Lord! This conspiracy involves all three of the Gabor sisters!"
5. "Well, Agent Mulder...you caught us. We'll cooperate fully, of
    course. What would you like to know?"
4. "You'll be happy to hear, Assistant Director Skinner, that I've
    switched over to the nicotine patch."
3. "The president wants to see you two immediately. His cheeseburger is
    possessed."
2. "And it would have worked, too, if it hadn't been for you meddling
    FBI agents!"

1. "Gosh, I guess we were wrong...the government did have our best
    interests at heart, after all!"

I believe this came from the Website "The Top Five List" <www.topfive.com>,
but I'm not positive.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Feb 1997 15:08:16 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: darwin awards<offensive to the dumb>


What can I say?  Life is hard, but it's hardest when you're dumb.

==============================

Darwin Awards
These are nearly always granted posthumously. This citation is bestowed upon
(the remains of) that individual, who through single-minded self-sacrifice,
has done the most to remove undesirable
elements from the human gene pool.

[San Jose Mercury News]
 An unidentified man, using a shotgun like a club to break a former
girlfriend's windshield, accidentally shot himself to death when the gun
discharged, blowing a hole in his gut.

[Hickory Daily Record, 12-21-92]
 Ken Charles Barger, 47, accidentally shot himself to death in December in
Newton, N. C., when, awakening to the sound of a ringing telephone beside
his bed, he reached for the phone but grabbed instead a Smith & Wesson .38
Special, which discharged when he drew it to his ear.

[News of the Weird, 18 May 93, San Jose Mercury News]
A 24-year-old salesman from Hialeah, Fla., was killed near Lantana,Fla., in
March when his car smashed into a pole in the median strip of Interstate 95
in the middle of the afternoon. Police said that the man was traveling at 80
MPH and, judging by the sales manual that was found open and clutched to his
chest, had been busy reading.

[Unknown, 25 March 1993]
 A Vapid Death A terrible diet and room with no ventilation are being blamed
for the death of a man who was killed by his own gas. There was no mark on
his body but autopsy showed large amounts of methane gas in his system. His
diet had consisted primarily of beans and cabbage (and a couple other things
). It was just the right combination of foods.  It appears that the man died
in his sleep from breathing from the poisonous cloud that was hanging over
his bed. Had he been outside or had his windows opened it wouldn't have been
fatal but the man was shut up in his near airtight bedroom. He was ``...a
big man with a  huge capacity for creating [this deadly gas].'' Three of the
rescue workers got sick and one was hospitalized.

[Reuters, Mississauga, Ontario]
 Man slips, falls 23 stories to his death.  A man cleaning a bird feeder on
his balcony of his condominium apartment in this Toronto suburb slipped and
fell 23 stories to his death, police said Monday.  Stefan Macko, 55, was
standing on a wheeled chair Sunday when the accident occurred, said
Inspector D'Arcy Honer of the Peel regional police. "It appears the chair
moved and he went over the balcony," Honer said. "It's one of those freak
accidents. No foul play is suspected."

[UPI, Toronto]
 Police said a lawyer demonstrating the safety of windows in a downtown
Toronto skyscraper crashed through a pane with his shoulder and plunged 24
floors to his death. A police spokesman said Garry Hoy, 39, fell into the
courtyard of the Toronto Dominion Bank Tower early Friday evening as he was
explaining the strength of the building's windows to visiting law students.
Hoy previously had conducted demonstrations of window strength according to
police reports. Peter Lauwers, managing partner of the firm Holden Day
Wilson, told the Toronto Sun newspaper that Hoy was ``one of the best and
brightest'' members of the 200-man association.

[AP, Cairo, Egypt, 31 Aug 1995] CAIRO, Egypt (AP) --
 Six people drowned Monday while trying to rescue a chicken that had fallen
into a well in southern Egypt. An 18-year-old farmer was the first to
descend into the 60-foot well. He drowned, apparently after an undercurrent
in the water pulled him down, police said. His sister and two brothers, none
of whom could swim well, went in one by one to help him, but also drowned.
Two elderly farmers then came to help, but they apparently were pulled down
by the same undercurrent. The bodies of the six were later pulled out of the
well in the village of Nazlat Imara, 240 miles south of Cairo. The chicken
was also pulled out. It survived.

[Times of London]
 A thief who sneaked into a hospital was scarred for life when he tried to
get a suntan. After evading security staff at Odstock Hospital in Salisbury,
Wiltshire, and helping himself to doctors' paging devices, the thief spotted
a vertical sunbed. He walked into the unit and removed his clothes for a 45-
minute tan. However, the high-voltage UV machine at the hospital, which is
renowned for its treatment of burns victims, has a maximum dosage of ten
seconds.  After lying on the bed for almost 300 times the recommended
maximum time the man was covered in blisters. Hours later, when the pain of
the burns became unbearable, he went to Southampton General Hospital, 20
miles away,in Hampshire. Staff became suspicious because he was wearing a
doctor's coat. After tending his wounds they called the police. Southampton
police said: "This man broke into Odstock and decided he fancied a quick
suntan. Doctors say he is going to be scarred for life."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Feb 1997 15:41:44 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Excuses.....

  The following is a partial list of actual written excuses given to
  teachers in the Albequerque public school system by parents of students:

 1.   Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan.
      28,29,30,31,32, and also 33.

 2.   Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in
      bed with gramps.

 3.   Please excuse Johnnie for being. It was his father's fault.

 4.   Chris will not be in school because he has an acre in his side.

 5.   John has been absent because he had two teeth taken off his face.

 6.   Excuse Gloria. She has been under the doctor.

 7.   Lillie was absent from school yesterday because she had a going over.

 8.   My son is under the doctor's care and should not take fizical ed.
      Please execute him.

 9.   Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football.
      He was hit in the growing part.

 10.  My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She
      spent this weekend with the Marines.

 11.  Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell
      off a tree and misplaced her hip.

 12.  Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.

 13.  Maryann was absent Dec. 11-16, because she had a fever, sore
      throat, headache, and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,
      fever and sore throat, her brother had a low-grade fever. There
      must be the flu going around, her father even got hot last night.

 14.  Please excuse Blanche from jim today.

 15.  George was absent yesterday because he had a stomach.

 16.  Ralph was absent yesterday because he had a sore trout.

 17.  Please excuse Sara for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.

 18.  Please excuse Lupe. She is having problems with her ovals.

 19.  Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah,
      diahoah, dyah, the shits.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Feb 1997 15:54:14 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: Yuh know you're from the Caribbean when....

From: tiffy <tpgordon@uwimona.edu.jm>
From: The George <vgeorge@InfoChan.COM>

 *You refer to all storage spaces built into your home as "cupboard".

 *You know somebody called "Beulah".

 *You distinguish between "coco-tea" "bush-tea" " and "green-tea".

 *You call all hard candy "sweety"

 *You refer to all salt crackers as "Crix or biscuit".

 *You say "whappenin" even at a funeral.

 *You tell the host "Good Night" when you arrive at someone's home
     in the evening.

 *You wash the "wares" after having dinner.

 *When someone pays you a compliment, you say "Doan mamaguy  eh."

 *When someone sympathises with you, you comment "Yuh think it
     easy?"

 *You point with your lips.

 *You give directions with your hands, even if it's in another
     state,"Yuh jus go up de road and when yuh see........

 *You go to parties for food and drinks.
     (and the word free never quite had the same meaning)

 *You nod your head upwards to greet someone and sideways when the
     joke is stale.

 *You're standing next to plenty luggage and boxes at the airport.

 *You use an umbrella for shade on hot days and never have it when
     it's raining.

 *You always offer something to eat or drink to visitors, even if it's
     kool-aid and Crix.

 *You refer to all sweet coloured juice as "Kool-Aid".

 *You love to pick your nose.

 *You also point at other people while they pick their noses.

 *You hate to throw away empty containers for they  might come in
     handy for  pepper sauce.
     (and if you live in the states you probably have more
       pepper sauce and seasoning that you can use in your
       lifetime because people insist that "dey doh have dat in
       de cold")

 *You say "boy" at the beginning of a sentence and "man" at the end
     of it.

 *"Priority" doesn't have anything to do with you having to do
     something right away.

 *You always turn around when someone says psssssssst!"
     (except for when you make out the person anh you're
         "duckin" them)

 *You have "knick knacks" all over your home.

 *You always hang something on your car's rearview mirror.

 *You put ketchup and pepper sauce on your pizza.

 *You make a drink and ice-cream with peanut butter but you never
     put it on  bread with jelly.
     (but you might put it on dixie biscuits)

 *You think eating salted cod fish and fry bake is a great morning
     meal.

 *You dip bread in your tea.

 *You drink tea from an enamel cup.

 *Your cupboard always full with tins of corned beef, pepper sauce, and
     red  beans.

 *You think steak is a waste of good meat. You rather cut it up and
     stew it  with some pototoes instead.
     (or curry it and make some roti)

 *You wash and rinse plastic utensils and styrofoam cup and plates.

 *You bring home food from a party.

 *The word "storm" has nothing to do with the weather.

 *And "what goin on these days?" and "I dey" means "hello" and
     "goodbye" respectively.

 *You chew the ice when you're finished with your drink.

 *You refer to soda and pop as "sweet drinks".

 *You call a quarter a "schiling" when this really means 24 cents.

 *You still say "father christmas" and "old years" night.

 *And "dis August holidays" actually starts in July.

 *You show disappointment by sucking your teeth (stewpsin)

 *You refer to avocado as "zaboca".

 *And you go to the shop clerk and ask them "where allyuh have de
     breez?"

-------------
Posters note, "Breeze" is synonymous with laundry detergent.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Feb 1997 16:52:31 -0500
From:    Nathan D Richards <nathanr@K2.ASHPOOL.COM>
Subject: Top 16 Sneaker Names Rejected by Reebok

         The Top 16 Sneaker Names Rejected by Reebok


16> The HotAir Limbaugh Park-Your-Big-Ass-In-A-Comfy-Chair model

15> The Mad Cow All-Leather Classic

14> Arythmias by Hakeem

13> Dennis Rodman Jerkinstocks

12> The "Jumping, Sprinting, Jogging, Dancing, Chick-Magnet so you
    can JAM!" sneaker

11> The Penile Pump

10> Kick-in-the-Crotch-U-Bus

 9> The Speculum!

 8> Opie Taylor All Stars

 7> Reebok-A-Lula's

 6> Larry Bird Slow-Assed White Boy Sneakers

 5> Tickle Me Barkley

 4> The $150 Sneakers Made by Underpaid and Underage Third World
    Children

 3> Air Rodman Cross Trainer/Cross Dresser

 2> 'Bok Martens


and the Number 1 Sneaker Name Rejected by Reebok...


 1> Air Brando


   [ This list copyright 1997 by Chris White and Ziff-Davis ]
   [  *To forward or repost, please include this section.*  ]
   [ The Top Five List    top5@walrus.com   www.topfive.com ]
------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Feb 1997 20:30:14 -0500
From:    Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
Subject: Talmudic Debate: Internet Protocol <not offensive>

I regret that I don't know the author of the following.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Rabbi Tarfon of Bet Shean said of Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of
Tiverya: It is said that in those days Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of
Tiverya designed a web site for the mother of his father, Sarah the
daughter of Pinchas, who begat Yechezkel, who begat Rabbi Shlomo ben
Yechezkel of Tiverya. Thus Rabbi Shlomo ben Yechezkel of Tiverya
performed the  mitzvah of web site design.

Rabbi Michal ben Elkanah, who had only one eye, said: But is it not
also said that in those days there was no web, only gopher?

Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron said:  It is true, but as it is written: "A
web browser may also use the gopher protocol, in addition to the HTTP
protocol."

Rabbi Eliezer asked:  Why does it specifically mention that the web
browser may also use the gopher protocol, when it is written
elsewhere that a web browser may use any protocol?  Because the gopher
protocol is especially meritorious, since it enables support of legacy
systems.

One time a poor man came into the home of Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron
and asked for two megabytes of disk space on the web site of Rabbi
Shmaryahu of Hevron.  Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron refused the man, but
instead gave him a personal web server for his own use.  At this point
Rabbi Yehudah  ben Yerachmiel asked Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron:
Why did you refuse this  man's request, but instead give him a
personal web server for his own use?

Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron replied:  It [the Mishnah] teaches:  "When
a poor man comes into your home and asks for disk space on your web
site, first ascertain whether he is going to use it for his own purpose or
for the purpose of idol worship.  If he is going to use it for his own
purpose, grant him the space he asks, unless it exceeds twenty
ephraot [one ephrah  213 kilobytes], in which case you may
refer him to a local Internet service provider, for as it is written:
It is not upon you to complete the task, but neither are you free to
desist from it.  If he  is going to use it for the purpose of idol
worship, then do not give him the space, but instead rebuke him, that
he might see the error of his ways and refrain from idol worship."

Rabbi Gideon of Shechem disagreed, saying:  It [the Mishnah] also
teaches: "When a poor man requests space on an FTP server, you must
grant it without asking why he is going to use it."  Why would the
Mishnah impose requirements on a web server but not an FTP server?

Rabbi Shmaryahu of Hevron said:  Rabbi Eliezer said:  Why does it
specifically mention that the web browser may also use the gopher
protocol when it is written elsewhere that a web browser may use any
protocol? Because the gopher protocol is especially meritorious,
since it enables support of legacy systems.  Similarly, the FTP
protocol is especially meritorious.  Therefore, it is unfair to deny a
poor man access to FTP, whereas it is sometimes permitted to refrain
from giving a poor man  access to HTTP, because without HTTP he can
still serve files using FTP, but without FTP he will be unable to put
his files on the server, since the means for saving files over HTTP
are unreliable.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Feb 1997 21:00:21 -0500
From:    "Mark J. Scheller" <scheller@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars" <adult>


 The Top 15 Surprises in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"

 15> New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo
     how to lick himself.

 14> He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist
     of Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.

 13> Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess
     Lea on the knee with a light saber.

 12> Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi
     Wan to "Use the Fifth, Luke."

 11> The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big
     brother, Pizza the Hut.

 10> Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.

   9> C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his
      shiny brass ass.

   8> Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin'  goatees.

   7> New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells
      him he has to pee.

  6> Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"

  5> Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.

  4> During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's
     special attachment.

  3> Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.

  2> The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star?
      Richard Jewell.

 AND the Number 1 Surprise in the Re-Mastered "Star Wars"...

  1> Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in
     bar scene none other than John Wayne Bobbitt.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Feb 1997 19:35:50 +0800
From:    Hakan Kiyici <9220303@TALABAH.IIU.MY>
Subject: Canadian citizenship!

Temel visits Canada for a month. One of the towns he likes too much, green
large forests, waterfalls, mountains, everything with it. Because
of this town he wants to be canadian citizen. However residents  of the
town tells him that he should apply first  for official papers to
Canadian government and then you have to prove to residents of this town
your manhood by practising the following.

1. you have to drink a bottle of whisky  at once
2. u have to rape a lady
3. u have to shoot a bear from its heart

Temel thinks over because it looks very tough and he has never drunken
alcoholic drinks before . However, he wants to stay in
the town for the rest of his life. He decides to take up the challange.
 He drinks a bottle of whisky at once. He gets drunken does not know what
he is doing. He moves toward the forest for bear.
One day , two days, one week. Villagers lose the hope about him. The next
day he enters the same pub , while his
clothes are torn out , shabbylooking, got alots of injuries and scraches
on his body. He asks with confidence :

- the bear is done, where is the girl to be shot in her heart

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Feb 1997 17:29:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: The Unix Consultant

A Customer calls a UNIX consultant with a question:

Customer: What is the command that will tell me the revision code of a
          program ?

UNIX consul:  Yes, that's correct.

Customer:     No, what is it ?

UNIX consul:  Yes.

Customer:     So, which is the one ?

UNIX consul:  No. 'which' is used to find the program.

Customer:     Stop this. Who are you ?

UNIX consul:  Use 'who am i' not 'who r yoo'. You can also 'finger yoo' to
              get information about yoo'.

Customer:     All I want to know is what finds the revision code ?

UNIX consul:  Use 'what'.

Customer:     That's what I am trying to find out. Isn't that true ?

UNIX consul:  No. 'true' gives you 0.

Customer:     Which one ?

UNIX consul:  'true' gives you 0. 'which programname'

Customer:     Let's get back to my problem. What program? How do I find it?

UNIX consul:  Type 'find / -name it -print' to find 'it'. Type 'what program'
              to get the revision code.

Customer:     I want to find the revision code.

UNIX consul:  You can't 'find revisioncode', you must use 'what program'.

Customer:     Which command will do what I need?

UNIX consul:  No. 'which command' will find 'command'.

Customer:     I think I understand. Let me write that.

UNIX consul:  You can 'write that' only if 'that' is a user on your system.

Customer:     Write what?

UNIX consul:  No. 'write that'. 'what program'.

Customer:     Cut that out!

UNIX consul:  Yes. those are valid files for 'cut'. Don't forget the options.

Customer:     Do you always do this ?

UNIX consul:  'du' will give you disk usage.

Customer:     HELP!

UNIX consul:  'help' is only used for Source Code Control System (SCCS).

Customer:     You make me angry.

UNIX consul:  No, I don't 'make me' angry but I did 'make programname' when
              I was upset once.

Customer:     I don't want to make trouble, so no more.

UNIX consul:  No 'more'? 'which' will help you find 'more'. Every system
              has 'more'.

Customer:     Nice help! I'm confused more now!

UNIX consul:  Understand that since 'help' is such a small program, it is
              better not to 'nice help'. and 'more now' is not allowed but
              'at now' is. Unless of course 'now' is a file name.

Customer:     This is almost as confusing as my PC.

UNIX consul:  I didn't know you needed help with 'pc'. Let me get you to the
              Pascal compiler team.

---
DOS is user-indifferent, Unix is user-hostile.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 27 Feb 1997 09:48:54 -0500
From:    Chalapathi Poduri <chaps@TC4HQ.CMC.STPH.NET>
Subject: Creation Of A Pussy <adult>

       Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
       created a pussy to their design.

       First was a butcher, with smart wit,
       using a knife, he gave it a slit,

       Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
       with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

       Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
       by using red velvet, he lined it within,

       Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
       with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,

       Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
       threw in a fish and gave it a smell,

       Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
       touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,

       Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
       he sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 26 Feb 1997 23:31:53 -0600
From:    "[LENNY]" <joe@IONET.NET>
Subject: Now Your f#@$#@ <contains f-word-sick- off to paraplegics>

A young man is jogging down the beach when he happens on this
paraplegic girl who is sitting in a wheel chair by the dock.. crying...

The young man, being the sensitive sort, stops and asks..
"And why are you crying sweetheart?"

The young paraplegic girl says, " Go on..I'm just feeling sorry for myself...
I was just thinking.... I'm a paraplegic... never been kissed by a
man..probably never
will be kissed by a man...so I'm kinda depressed...sigh..go..run on!
don't worry about me..."

The young jogger...being the tender guy he is...bends down and plants one
on her..."Now", hey says, "you've been kissed!"

A few days later the same jogger is running down the beach
and encounters the same girl in the wheel chair...and again..
she is crying..."What's the matter now sweetheart?", the jogger asks..

The young paraplegic girl says, " Go on..I'm just feeling sorry for myself...
I was just thinking.... I'm a paraplegic... never been hugged..probably never
will be hugged...so I'm kinda depressed...sigh..go..run on!
don't worry about me...

With that the young jogger gets on his knees and proceeds to give the
girl the best hug she's ever had! "Now you've been hugged!", the jogger
exclaimed...

Again...a few days later as our sensitive hero is jogging down the beach
he encounters the same unfortunate girl, and again...she's crying..

"What's the matter this time?!", the jogger asks...

The young paraplegic girl says, " Go on..I'm just feeling sorry for myself...
I was just thinking.... I'm a paraplegic... never been fucked..probably never
will be fucked...so I'm kinda depressed...sigh..go..run on!
don't worry about me...

With that.. The young jogger bends down and gently lifts the paraplegic
girl out of her wheel chair...
He carries her out to the end the dock...Throws her in the ocean and says...
"NOW YOU'RE FUCKED!"

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 26 Feb 1997 to 27 Feb 1997
************************************************
