HUMOR Digest - 23 Feb 1997 to 24 Feb 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 255 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. the german war camp (off to jews)
  2. Men, Women & Rejection
  3. Johnny's Prose <adult; profanity>
  4. Hunting, gone wrong <adult>
  5. Name Your Washer <slightly risque'>
  6. Masturbation <sexual theme but fairly tame>
  7. Said the cannibal to the missionary (not offensive)
  8. 3 Oldies <suggestive , adult>
  9. Kinky sex <offensive lang>

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Date:    Sun, 23 Feb 1997 01:39:44 -0600
From:    CORNHOLIO <mtrifill@S-CWIS.UNOMAHA.EDU>
Subject: the german war camp (off to jews)

hitler:  today jews, we will be testing our newest gunz
         because you are our favorites, you will be the
         first to help us test ze gunz.  pleaze standz dere
         along ze wall...a security oficer will be passing
         out ze ciggarettes, however, if you want them lit
         you will have to ask for it...pleaze signify this
         by saying FIRE!

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Date:    Sun, 23 Feb 1997 07:33:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Men, Women & Rejection

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother.
    (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9.  There's a slight difference in our ages.
    (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8.  I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
    (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7.  My life is too complicated right now.
    (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear
     phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6.  I've got a boyfriend
    (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5.  I don't date men where I work.
    (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same
     'solar system', much less the same building.)

4.  It's not you, it's me.
    (It's not me, it's you.)

3.  I'm concentrating on my career.
    (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better
     than dating you.)

2.  I'm celibate.
    (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

....and the number 1 rejection line given by women

1.  Let's be friends.
    (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating
     detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.  It's
     that male perspective thing)

=====================================================================

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister.
    (You're ugly.)

9.  There's a slight difference in our ages.
    (You're ugly.)

8.  I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
    (You're ugly.)

7.  My life is too complicated right now.
    (You're ugly.)

6.  I've got a girlfriend.
    (You're ugly.)

5.  I don't date women where I work.
    (You're ugly.)

4.  It's not you, it's me..
    (You're ugly.)

3.  I'm concentrating on my career.
    (You're ugly.)

2.  I'm celibate.
    (You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men

1.  Let's be friends.
    (You're sinfully ugly.)


---
A Stitch in time saves bloodloss.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Feb 1997 11:43:46 EST
From:    Elvis Was Here <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Johnny's Prose <adult; profanity>

          The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated
for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as
snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go."  She
explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed
to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go"
to "the lamb went with her."
          A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or
prose.  Johnny raised his hand and recited,  "Mary had a little pig,
and ornery little runt/He stuck his nose in Mary's clothes, and
smelled her little--" He stopped and asked the teacher if she
wanted poetry or prose.
          "Prose!" the teacher said weakly.
          So Johnny said, "Asshole."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Feb 1997 22:35:25 +0400
From:    Sampath Samarasinghe <rmsamar@EMIRATES.NET.AE>
Subject: Hunting, gone wrong <adult>

A guy's out hunting one day. After hours of waiting, he finally shoots bird.
He watches as it falls to the ground behind a fence. Then he sees a guy pick
up the bird and start walking towards a farm house in the distance.

The hunter chases the guy down and demands his bird back. The guy's not
ready to give up a free meal, so he says that they'd have to solve this
argument the old fashioned way. It involves kicking each other in the balls
until one guy gives up.

The farmer's wearing rubber boots, while the hunter's got steel-toed boots.
So the hunter's pretty confident about winning. The farmer goes first,
home-field advantage. Takes a HUGE runup and plants a HUGE kick on the
hunter's balls. If the hunter weren't so heavy, he'd end up in orbit with
that kick. The hunter rolls on the ground, unable to say anything. He
recovers a little and starts cursing the farmer to kingdom come.

When he finally gets up to deliver his kick, the farmer starts walking away.
The hunter hobbles, as best he can with busted up balls, up to him and asks
him where he's going.

"Home," he says, "You can keep the bird, never really wanted it."

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Date:    Sun, 23 Feb 1997 14:23:10 -0500
From:    "Mark J. Scheller" <scheller@NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Name Your Washer <slightly risque'>

You know how most laundromats have a number on each machine?  At my
apartment complex, they gave each machine in the laundry room a name, to
make it easier to remember when reporting difficulties.  This led to the
following note appearing on the superintendent's door:

        "Alice gets hot but won't tumble."

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Date:    Mon, 24 Feb 1997 08:29:00 +1000
From:    "Roland, Andrew J" <ARoland@NCRPBILL.TELSTRA.COM.AU>
Subject: Masturbation <sexual theme but fairly tame>

Q. What is the most sensitive part of the body when you are masturbating
   in your bedroom?

A. Your ears.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 23 Feb 1997 20:46:34 -0600
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Said the cannibal to the missionary (not offensive)

A friend of mine is a missionary English teacher in Thailand. One
student was saying grace and thanked God for "the opportunity to eat
each other" (rather than to eat together).  In some countries
missionaries have to worry about cannibals, but not usually in
Thailand...


...............................
http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai
http://st-www.cs.uiuc.edu/~chai/writing/main.html#humor
------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Feb 1997 00:12:45 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: 3 Oldies <suggestive , adult>

Q: How do you get a kleenex to dance?
A: Blow a little boogie into it.
----

 Did you hear about the queer nail ?
 Laid in the road and blew a tyre.
----

Q: Why are eggs so frustrated...?
A: They only get laid once.
   They only get eaten once.
   You've got to boil them to get hard.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 24 Feb 1997 01:01:24 EST
From:    "Joel M. Rubin" <joelmarshall@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Kinky sex <offensive lang>

Q: What do you call a hispanic woman with no legs?
A: Consuelo!

A guy is ordering up shot after shot of booze at a bar, when a woman
strikes up a conversation...

She: What are you   trying to forget?
He: Well,  my divorce just became final. My wife left me because I'm into
    kinky, kinky sex.
She: What a coincidence, my husband just left me for the same reason. I'm
     also into kinky sex, and my apartment's about three blocks from here.
     Why don't you come on by and we'll have some fun?

And off they went. She excused herself, saying she would be back in about
ten minutes. When she came out of her bedroom, she was wearing black vinyl crotchless panties, a studded collar, clothespins on her breasts, and she was carrying a seven foot bullwhip.

So he says,"Excuse me, I'll need ten minutes too"
"Do you need to slip into something more comfortable?"
"No, while you were changing, I screwed your dog!"

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End of HUMOR Digest - 23 Feb 1997 to 24 Feb 1997
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