HUMOR Digest - 22 Feb 1997 to 23 Feb 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 446 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Top Ten Signs Your Company is going to downsize <Offensive to CEO's>
  2. Dying man's wish wish <adult humor>
  3. coma <sick, disguisting>
  4. My theory on why the Japanese bow
  5. GYNOCOLOGICAL HUMOR <Sick, maybe off. to Homosexuals>
  6. Parents Test
  7. Fwd: The Parrot, the Thief, and Jesus
  8. Microsoft Product-Announcement Template
  9. Big Feet <adult> and Gay Couple's Baby <off. to homosexuals>
 10. For kids of all ages
 11. Teasers
 12. Men and women are not alike...part 1
 13. Silicon Valley vs. Detroit: A comparison

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Feb 1997 07:22:40 EST
From:    "Donald E. Chesnel" <dches@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Top Ten Signs Your Company is going to downsize <Offensive to CEO's>

10.  Company Softball Team is converted to a Chess Club.
  9.  Dr.Kevorkian is hired as an "Outplacement Coordinator".
  8.  Your best looking women in Marketing are suddenly very friendly
      with the dorky Personnel Manager.
  7.  The beer supplied by the Company at picnics is Schlitz.
  6.  Weekly yard/bake sale at Corporate Headquarters.
  5.  Company President now driving a Ford Escort.
  4.  Annual Company Holiday Bash moved from the Sheraton to the local
      Taco Bell.
  3.  Employee discount days at the local "Army & Navy Surplus Store" are
      discontinued.
  2.  Dental plan now consists of a Company supplied kit (String, pliers
      and 2 aspirin).
  1.  Your CEO has installed a dart board in his office marked with all
      existing departments in the Company.

Remember folks, "We're not Downsizing, we're Rightsizing!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Feb 1997 18:44:54 +0300
From:    Rahman Abdul <arahman@GISQATAR.ORG.QA>
Subject: Dying man's wish wish <adult humor>

A man goes to his doctor for a check up and the doctor says:-

"I don't know how to tell you this, but you're going to die, and you
only have six months left."

When the poor bloke gets home, he tells his wife he has AIDS and only
has six months to live and goes out for a beer.  He gets pissed up and
tells all his mates he has AIDS and only six months left.  Two days
later he meets his doctor in the street and the doc says:-"I see you've
come to terms with your terminal condition, everyone in town is talking
about it.  But tell me why are you telling everyone you have AIDS when I
told you it was an inoperable brain tumor that's killing you?"

"Oh," said the man "I've come to terms with dying, but I don't want
anyone fucking my wife after I'm gone!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Feb 1997 11:37:28 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: coma <sick, disguisting>


A woman has been in a coma for a few years.  The doctors and nurses in her
hospital were stumped on how to help her.  At the weekly meeting, one nurse
spoke up.

     "I know it may be out of line for me to say, but I've noticed when I
give her a sponge bath, when I get around certain delicate areas, her vital
signs perk up and she almost comes out of the coma.  It may not be our
place, but if we could have her husband come in and perform oral sex on her
 - it may 'jump start' her out of the coma for good."

The doctors and nurses talked it over, and decided it was their only hope.
They called the husband, explained the situation, and - willing to do
anything for the woman he loved - he rushed in to save his wife.

They showed him to her room and left the couple alone.  Five minutes later,
the woman flatlines.  Dead on the table.  All of the medical staff rushed in
and asked the man what happened.

"I don't know," the husband replied, "maybe she choked."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Feb 1997 21:04:30 +0400
From:    Sampath Samarasinghe <rmsamar@EMIRATES.NET.AE>
Subject: My theory on why the Japanese bow

        It all starts when their kids. Their mothers stich labels onto their
clothes with their name on it. The only problem is that the Japanese
language is read vertically. So to read the entire name, you have to bow.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Feb 1997 20:29:07 +0300
From:    DHARIF MAZEN ABDALLAH MUHAMMAD <s945986@DPC.KFUPM.EDU.SA>
Subject: GYNOCOLOGICAL HUMOR <Sick, maybe off. to Homosexuals>

  This woman went to a gynecologist for a routine physical, and while the
 doctor was performing a breast examination, he noticed that she had a big
 "Y" on her stomach, so he asked her about it.  The woman replied,"The
other night I was with my boyfriend who goes to Yale, and he was wearing
a Yale sweatshirt.  We started kissing, and things got hot and heavy, and this
"Y" got imprinted on my stomach."
  Later on, another lady came in for an exam, and this time the doctor
 noticed that she had an "H" on her stomach.  When he asked, she
 replied,"Well, my boyfriend goes to Harvard, and we were making out the
 other night while he was wearing his Harvard sweatshirt.  Things got hot
 and heavy, and this "H" got imprinted on my stomach."
  A few hours later, another lady came in.  She had an "M" on her stomach.
 The doctor looked at her and said,"You know, I've seen this twice today
 already."  Then he said,"Let me guess.  Your boyfriend must to to
Michigan?"
 "No", the woman replied.  "But my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Feb 1997 07:28:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Parents Test

"How many times have you heard the comment that people have to take a
test to drive a car, but anyone can be a parent?  A test is needed.  And
not one with a bunch of Bozo questions like 'How many servings of
vegetables are required for a three-year old female living in Boise who
walks 4.3 miles a day?'  No, this test will ask the REAL questions.  Are
you ready to find out if you have the right stuff to be a parent in the
90s?  Get those number  two pencils ready.  And let's keep our eyes on
our own papers, people.

THE PARENTING TEST

Section One  ---  Mathematics

For each problem, estimate the total number of times this phrase is
used per parent per week.  (2 points per question)
1]   I don't care what the other kids get to do.
2]   ... and this time I really mean it.
3]   Somebody's going to get hurt doing that.
4]   See, I told you somebody was going to get hurt doing that.
5]   Now we're REALLY going to be late.
6]   One ... I'm counting ... two ... I'm counting ...
7]   Because I'm the Mommy (Daddy).
8]   Let's not discuss that at the dinner table.
9]   Why is your brother (sister) crying?
10]   Okay ... but only five more minutes.

Section Two  --  Fill in the Blank

Write the correct word in the blank.  (3 points per question)
1]   Tickle Me ____________.
2]   101 _________________.
3]   The Berenstain _________.
4]   Clifford, the Big _________ Dog.
5]   _______________ Nuggets.
6]   _______________ Meals.
7]   Please won't you be my _____________?

Section Three  --  Matching

Match each vocabulary word with its definition.  (4 points per
question).
1]   Amoxicillin
2]   Legos
3]   Pull-Ups
4]   Push-Ups
5]   Tubes
******
A]   Small bits of plastic designed to accentuate any style of
carpeting.
B]   Either a recreational device origally developed for hamsters,
but since adapted for use by children in fast food restaurants
OR that which is placed in ears when Letter "C" fails.
C]   A pink sustance which is usually a regular part of a toddler's
diet.
D]   A frozen food amazingly devoid of any nutritional value.
E]   A disposable article of clothing which one swears will only be
necessary for a few more weeks.

Section Four  --  Problem Solving

Briefly describe the solution to each problem.  (5 points per question)
1]   It is 8:50a.m.  School starts at 9a.m.  Where are your car
keys?
2]   She says that he started it.  He says she started it.  Who's
right?
3]   You are attempting to go to the post office with two very
large packages, two very small children, zero very close
parking places, and one frazzled parent.  How will you
accomplish this?
4]   At 7p.m., you must be at dance class with Debbie, Cub Scouts
with Carl, and soccer with Susie.  Without any King Soloman
manuevers, how will this be done?

Section Five  --  Essay

Answer the question and defend your choice.  (19 points)
Which of the 'Big V's' has made a bigger contribution to parenting -
-
Vacuum cleaners      'Velcro'      or the VCR?"


---
Would it be okay to be more assertive?

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Feb 1997 14:18:07 EST
From:    Tim J Nafziger <tnafziger@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Fwd: The Parrot, the Thief, and Jesus

Trexdacy

 A guy goes into a house to rob it. He is looking around in some drawers
for valuables when he hears "I see you, and Jesus sees you, too!" Startled,
he shines his flashlight around in the darkness, only to find a parrot in
the corner. He shines his light for awhile at the bird. Sure enough, the bird
says, "I see you, and Jesus sees you, too!" Relieved, he goes back to
robbing the house. Again he hears it, "I see you, and Jesus sees you, too!" He
laughs and continues with his activities. Again and again the parrot repeats the same thing. After hearing this for what seemed like a million times, the thief begins to get aggravated. He searches the room with his flashlight for
something to hit the bird with. As he points the beam of light in the
corner under the cage, he sees the huge glowing red eyes of a rottweiler. Just
then, the parrot says, "I see you, and Jesus sees you too! SICK 'EM JESUS!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Feb 1997 14:17:50 -0500
From:    Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
Subject: Microsoft Product-Announcement Template

Forwarded-by: HumourNet

        Microsoft Product-Announcement Template

MICROSOFT ANNOUNCES <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME>

REDMOND, WASHINGTON -- In an effort to <INSERT M$'S LAME IDEA
ABOUT WHAT USERS NEED>, Microsoft announced today that <INSERT
M$'S LAME ANSWER TO LAME IDEA>.

"<DUMB QUOTE FROM A M$ EMPLOYEE ABOUT HOW USERS WILL `BENEFIT' FROM THIS
NEW M$ APPLICATION>" said a Microsoft spokesperson who requested to remain
anonymous.

Industry analysts were quick to praise the decision, calling it "bold and
innovative!" "This new <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> will free Windows
users from <SOME BUG OR MISSING FEATURE WHICH IS M$'S FAULT IN THE FIRST
PLACE>. It also gives Windows a new feeling of <SOMETHING THAT WOULD MAKE
ANYONE USING ANY OTHER OS FALL ASLEEP>", said a member of Ziff-Davis
Publishing's Editorial Staff. "This is precisely why <INSERT COMPETING
SOFTWARE APPLICATION'S NAME> is failing in the marketplace -- they have
failed to deliver an <ENTER FEATURE THAT ONLY A
BUSINESS-MAJOR-TURNED-COMPUTER-JOURNALIST COULD DREAM UP>."

When asked when <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> would be available, a
Microsoft spokesperson said "<INSERT CONVOLUTED QUOTE THAT CONVINCES THE
USER THAT THE APPLICATION WILL BE RELEASED SOON OR EVEN YESTERDAY, BUT
DOESN'T COMMIT TO ANY SPECIFIC DATE>." The spokesperson also added, "It
really doesn't matter since <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> is destined to
be the most <INSERT GLORIFIED PRAISE FOR NON- EXISTENT APPLICATION AND BE
SURE TO MENTION HOW IT WILL BE 'POWERFUL' AND WILL 'DOMINATE THE WORLD
SOFTWARE MARKET'>."

Market and industry analysts quickly agreed adding that "<INSERT NEW M$
APPLICATION NAME> has already revolutionized the industry."

A spokesperson from <INSERT COMPETING SOFTWARE VENDOR'S NAME> disagreed
however. "Microsoft is still trying to sell products that don't exist.
<INSERT COMPETING SOFTWARE VENDOR'S NAME> has been shipping <INSERT
COMPETING PRODUCT THAT IS UNHEARD OF THANKS TO M$ MASS-MARKETING
TECHNIQUES> since <INSERT DATE FROM PRE-HISTORY (SEE JURASSIC PARK FOR
EXAMPLES)>.  <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME>, or whatever it's called,
still relies on DOS's <INSERT STUPID PART OF INSIPID DOS OPERATING SYSTEM>
and is not a true
<INSERT LATEST COMPUTER JARGON FOR _MODERN_>." He added that "users who
think that <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> will have no problems will be
in for a surprise."

Most users appear to remain unconvinced however. "<INSERT NEW M$
APPLICATION NAME> will <INSERT A NONSENSE LIST OF THINGS ANYONE USING ANY
OTHER OS HAS HAD SINCE THE ENIAC> and it won't have any bugs or
compatibility problems because it's from Microsoft. Why should I buy
<INSERT COMPETING SOFTWARE APPLICATION'S NAME> which is less than perfect,
when <INSERT NEW M$ APPLICATION NAME> is right around the corner?"

                        --------<HUMOURNET>----------

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Feb 1997 14:27:51 EST
From:    Elvis Was Here <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Big Feet <adult> and Gay Couple's Baby <off. to homosexuals>

    A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that
she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy
her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these
short term relationships.  Isn't there some way to judge the size
of a man's equipment from the outside?"  she asked earnestly.
     "The only foolproof way" counseled the therapist, "is by
the size of his feet."   So the woman went downtown and proceeded
to cruise the streets, until she came across a young fellow standing
in an unemployment line with the biggest feet she had every laid
her eyes on.  She took him out to dinner, wined and dined him,
and then took him back to her apartment for an evening of abandon.
     When the man woke up the next morning, the woman had already
gone out.  By the bedside table was a $20 bill and a note that
read, "With my compliments, take this money and go out and buy
a pair of shoes that fit you."

+++++++++++++++++++

     There were these two gay guys who decide they want to have
a baby.  So they find an obliging lesbian, have her impregnated
by sperm donation, and are simply thrilled when she gives birth
to a seven pound baby boy.  They rush to the hospital for the
first viewing of their son, standing with their noses pressed
against the glass of the nursery window and surveying row upon
row of squalling infants.  Except for one quiet, clean little
baby, cooing softly to itself amid all the chaos.
     Sure enough, when the gays ask to see their son, the nurse
heads for the quiet baby and brings him over for the proud
parents to ogle.
     "Gee" said one of them to the nurse, "he sure is well
behaved compared to the rest of those howling brats, isn't he?"
     "Oh, he's quiet now" said the nurse, "but he squalls like
all the rest when I take the pacifier out of his ass."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Feb 1997 13:49:18 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: For kids of all ages

>From the Winter, 1997 issue of Delta Air Lines _Fantastic Flyer_ Magazine:

Q. Why did the king like inches so much?
A. Because he was a ruler!

Q. What did the fast tomato say to the slow tomato?
A. Ketchup!

Q. What is the biggest pencil?
A. Pennsylvania!

Q. How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
A. Hold its nose!

Q. How do angels answer the phone?
A. Halo!

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Feb 1997 21:21:34 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Teasers

The following is borrowed from Deccan Herald column
by Khushwant Singh.
***
        All men the same
Banta: ''My wife Banti assured me that if I died before her she would
         never marry another man.``
Santa: ''Where would she find a man as good as you?``
Banta: ''That is not the way she thinks. She says all men are like me,
         Ullu kay patthey (sons of owls).``

        Back-hander
Said Banta to his wife, ''Banti, you have a lovely voice.
         You sing very well.``
''How nice of you to say so!`` replied Banti. ''I wish I could say the
         same about your voice and singing.``
''There is nothing to stop you. If I can tell a lie, so can you.``

        Appreciative audience
Santa: ''Banta, wonderful news! My wife has been invited to sing at the
         annual function of a school.``
Banta: ''Congratulations! In what school is she going to sing?``
Santa: ''The School for the Deaf & the Dumb``.

(Contributed by J P Singh Kaka, Bhopali)

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Feb 1997 16:51:56 -0500
From:    "." <hawgasm@RICHMOND.INFI.NET>
Subject: Men and women are not alike...part 1

Men and women are not alike.

Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have conclusive proof!
After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:

RELATIONSHIPS:

First, a man does not call a relationship a relationship--he refers to it as
"that time when me and Suzie were boinking on a semi-regular basis."

When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her
girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled "All Men Are Idiots." Then she
will get on with her life.

A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the breakup--at
3 a.m. early on a Sunday morning--he will call and say "I just wanted to let
you know you ruined my life, and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and
you're a total floozy. But I want you to know there's always a chance for
us." This is known as the "I Hate You/I Love You" drunken phone call that 99%
of all men have made at least once. There are community colleges that offer
courses to help men get over this need; alas these classes rarely prove
effective.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 22 Feb 1997 23:35:29 -0700
From:    Charles Maxson <cmaxson@GRAND-CANYON.EDU>
Subject: Silicon Valley vs. Detroit: A comparison

When Silicon Valley wants to look good, it measures itself against
 Detroit.  The comparison goes like this:  If automotive technology had
 kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, you
 would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top
 speed of 10,000 miles per hour.  Or you could have an economy car that
 weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas.  In
 either case the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50.

 In response to all this goading, Detroit grumbles:  Yes, but would you
 really want to drive a car that crashes twice a day?

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 22 Feb 1997 to 23 Feb 1997
************************************************
