HUMOR Digest - 21 Feb 1997 to 22 Feb 1997
There are 17 messages totalling 613 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Learning to dance
  2. Dating application
  3. Not Sure   <Adult>
  4. Blue: very very sick and offensive to the neurochemically imbalanced
  5. West Virginia Jokes <one is crude>
  6. Atomic jokes (non-offensive)
  7. The Perfect Day
  8. A slow night in South Dakota
  9. Improve Your Vocabulary (clean)
 10. Different punch line to drug dealers v. software developers
 11. Bad Idea
 12. Dave Barry on College: Part 2 (non offensive)
 13. Felony flops
 14. Before i came to college i wish i had known...  <not offensive>
 15. physics at its finest
 16. Recipe for Love Cake <suggestive,sexual,crude>
 17. Dog Joke <adult . . . I guess>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 03:46:26 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Learning to dance

     Q. What's the difference between the waltz and pea soup?

     A. You can learn to waltz.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 03:39:34 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Dating application

[thanks to Michael Ghens <michael@spconnect.com> and JokeMaster]

            APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied
by a complete financial statement, school history, job history, ancestral
lineage, DMV printout, and a current medical report from your doctor.

NAME______________________________________  DATE OF BIRTH______________
HEIGHT____________  WEIGHT_____________  IQ__________  GPA_____________
SOCIAL SECURITY #___________________  DRIVERS LICENSE #________________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES______________________________________________
HOME ADDRESS__________________________  CITY/STATE___________  ZIP_____

Do you have ONE male and ONE female parent? ___________________________
If NO, please explain _________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ________________________________
If less than your age, explain ________________________________________

Do you own a van? _____________A truck with oversized tires?___________
A waterbed?_____________A pickup with a mattress in the back?__________
A condom?_______________Pornography?_______________Do you have an earring,
nose ring, or a belly button ring? ______________A tattoo?_____________

(IF YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES)

In 50 words or less, what does LATE mean to you?_______________________
In 50 words or less, what does DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER, mean to you?
________________________________________________________________________
In 50 words or less, what does ABSTINENCE mean to you?_________________

Church you attend ______________________________________________________
How often you attend ___________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
        father? _____________         priest? _______________
        mother? _____________         parole officer? _______

Answer by filling in the blank.  Please answer freely, all answers are
confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
_____________________________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
_____________________________________________________________________
C: A woman's place is in the:________________________________________
D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
_____________________________________________________________________
E: When I first meet a girl, the thing I notice about her first is:
_____________________________________________________________________

NOTE: if answer E begins with T or A, discontinue.  Leaving premises
keeping your head low and running in a serpentine fashion is advised.

What do you want to do IF you grow up? ______________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

What is the current going rate of a hotel room? _____________________

Condoms come in packages of (circle one)
        A:  3
        B:  6
        C:  9
        D: 12
        E: ALL OF THE ABOVE
How do you know?_____________________________________________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST
OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT
TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS,
AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.
_______________________________________
Signature (that means sign your name, moron)

Thank you for your interest.  Please allow four to six years for processing.
You will be contacted in writing if you are approved.  Please do not try to
call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury).
If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman
wearing black shirts and white ties carrying violin cases (you might want
to watch your back).
Have a nice day.

Jack Kolb (kolb@ucla.edu)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 08:31:52 -0500
From:    JOHAN VAN ZYL <KLD104@KLD1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Not Sure   <Adult>

Two friends were discussing the trend towards
more traditional values."I didn't sleep with
my wife before I was married,did you?"
"I'm not sure,"daid the friend."What was her
maiden name?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 13:35:45 +0000
From:    Prophet Elijah <psuol@CSV.WARWICK.AC.UK>
Subject: Blue: very very sick and offensive to the neurochemically imbalanced

Q. What's blue and doesn't fit any more?

A. A dead epileptic.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 08:36:43 -0500
From:    Sue Sevin <SueS7@AOL.COM>
Subject: West Virginia Jokes <one is crude>

What do a tornado and a West Virginia divorce have in common?

You know somebody's going to loose a trailer!

==============

What do the unabomber and a West Virginia girl have in common?

Both were fingered by their brothers!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 11:47:50 CDT
From:    Rick Diamant <diamantr@EXT.MISSOURI.EDU>
Subject: Atomic jokes (non-offensive)

    A friend told me these the other day, and I thought I'd pass them along...

    A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a
    beer"?

    The bartender replies, "For you, no charge".

    -----------------------------------------------------------------------

    Two atoms run into each other.  One atom says, "I think I lost an
    electron"

    The second atom asks, "Are you sure"?

    The first atom replies, "I'm positive"


    Rick Diamant
    Univ of MO - Columbia

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 09:07:34 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Perfect Day

     The Perfect Day According to ...HER

      8:45     Wake up to hugs and kisses
      9:00     5 pounds lighter on the scales
      9:30     Light breakfast
      11:00    Sunbathe
      12:00    Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
      1:30     Shopping
      2:30     Run into boyfriend's ex, notice she's gained 30 pounds
      3:00     Facial massage and nap
      7:30     Candlelit dinner for two and dancing
      10:00    Make love
      11:00    Pillow talk in his big strong arms



          The Perfect Day According to ...HIM

      10:00    Wake up
      10:02    Oral sex
      10:10    Big breakfast
      11:30    Drive up the coast in Ferrari with gorgeous blonde with
               big hooters
      2:15    Enormous lunch
      3:00    Oral sex
      3:10    Play sports with the guys
      4:00    Drink beer with the guys
      6:00    Meet Claudia Schiffer
      6:10    Oral sex
      6:20    Huge dinner, more beer
      11:00   Full on, get down, gorilla sex

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 08:27:14 -0600
From:    "D. B. Christian" <dchristi@BADLANDS.NODAK.EDU>
Subject: A slow night in South Dakota

My youngest sister lives in Huron, SD, and she called last night.  One of
the things she told me was an incident that took place in Huron last
week.  Seems one of her friend's had a birthday last Thursday, and as
they hopped from one bar to the next, partook in a little mischief.
We'll call the friend Betty...

Betty and two other ladies (my sister wasn't with them at this point,
having taken a different route to the next bar on the list) passed by a
bicycle.  Betty thought it would be great fun to let the air out of one
of the tires.  So, she spun the cap off the tire, let the air out, and
placed the cap back in place.  After completing her act, she and her
accomplishes proceded to the bar for another round of drinks.

It wasn't too long after this that there were two police officers and the
county Sheriff standing in the doorway of the bar, along with a young
girl.  The girl looked around the crowd, saw Betty, pointed at her, and
screeched "THAT'S HER!"  Betty and the two other ladies were arrested for
disorderly conduct.

For letting the air out of a bike tire, remember.

Outside, there were five, count them, five city police cars, along with
the Sheriff's car.  Betty was taken to jail, strip searched, finger
printed, had her mug shot taken, and went in front of the judge the next
day.  She goes to court for the charge in a few weeks.

For letting the air out a bike tire, on her birthday...

Can't you just imagine the 911 transcripts?  "911, what's the
emergency?"  "HELP!  SOMEONE LET ALL THE AIR OUT OF MY BIKE TIRE!"

Strange, but true...


David Christian, MA
Exp Psyc/Instructor of Norwegian
UofNoDak  Grand Forks ND

If God hadn't wanted me to be uptight...why would there be coffee and
graduate school?

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 07:18:11 -0500
From:    "Gunther, Tina" <tina_gunther@PETER.BIOLA.EDU>
Subject: Improve Your Vocabulary (clean)

I just ran across The Superior Person's Book of Words,
by Peter Bowler. (Boston : David R. Godine, publisher,
1985 ed.) What a wonderful source of intelligent
unintelligibility! Here is a round dozen of words found
in this book. Some of them may bring recent listserv posts
to mind.

* indicates words not found in my 2 v. World Book
Dictionary (1987 ed.) but found in my 1 v. Webster's
Encyclopedic Unabridged Dictionary of the English
Language (1989 ed.)

Afflatus - n. A sudden rush of divine or poetic inspiration.

Aposiopesis - n. Breaking off in the middle of a story ; a rhetorical device.

*Aporia - n. Patently insincere professings, e.g., by a public speaker, of an
inability to know how to begin, what to say, etc.

*Aprosexia - n. Inability to concentrate.

Cardialgia - n. Heartburn, i.e., mild indigestion.

Nimiety - n. Excess, extravagance, surfeit

Nugatory - a. Of no value, trifling, insubstantial, pointless.

Nympholepsy - n. Passionate longing for something unattainable.

Otiose - a. Serving no useful purpose.

Paralogism - n. Illogical reasoning, the illogicality of which the reasoner in
question is unaware of.

Paronomasia - n. Wordplay of the punning kind.

Sciolism - n. Superficial knowledge; a show of learning without any
substantial foundation.


A Tina Original!

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 09:38:41 -0600
From:    "Rowe, Thomas" <trowe@UWSP.EDU>
Subject: Different punch line to drug dealers v. software developers

Doug McNees comparing drug dealers to software developers had this:

>Do your job well, and                Do your job well and you'll have
>you can sleep with                    time left over to downlaod some
>sexy movie stars who                .mpg, .avi, .mov, .jgp, .gif
>depend on you.

The version I saw had this as the last couplet, only it went:

Do your job well, and                  Damn, Damn, Damn!
you can sleep with
sexy movie stars who
depend on you.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 10:24:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: Bad Idea

Can't vouch for this as I don't know the original source...
                ______________________________________

Larry Walters is among the relatively few who have actually turned their
dreams into reality.  His story is true, though you may find it hard to
believe.

Larry was a truck driver, but his lifelong dream was to fly.  When he
graduated from high school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming
a pilot.  Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him.  So when he
finally left the service, he had to satisfy himself with watching others
fly the fighter jets that crisscrossed the skies over his backyard.  As
he sat there in his lawn chair, he dreamed about the magic of flying.

Then one day, Larry Walters got an idea.  He went down to the local
army-navy surplus store and bought a tank of helium and forty-five
weather balloons.  These were not your brightly colored party balloons,
these were heave-duty spheres measuring more than four feet across when
fully inflated.

Back in his yard, Larry used straps to attach the balloons to his lawn
chair, the kind you might have in your own back yard.  He anchored the
chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated the balloons with helium.
Then he packed some sandwiches and drinks and loaded a BB gun, figuring
he could pop a few of those balloons when it was time to return to earth.

His preparations complete, Larry Walters sat in his chair and cut the
anchoring cord.  His plan was to lazily float back down to terra firma.
But things didn't quite work out that way.

When Larry cut the cord, he didn't float lazily up; he shot up as if
fired from a cannon!  Nor did he go up a couple hundred feet.

He climbed and climbed until he finally leveled off at eleven thousand
feet!  At that height, he could hardly risk deflating any of the
balloons, lest he unbalance the load and really experience flying!  So
he stayed up there, sailing around for fourteen hours, totally at a loss
as to how to get down.

Eventually, Larry drifted into the approach corridor for Los Angeles
International Airport.  A Pan Am pilot radioed the tower about passing a
guy in a lawn chair at eleven thousand feet with a gun in his lap.  (Now
there's a conversation I'd have given anything to have heard!)  LAX is
right on the ocean, and you may know that at nightfall, the winds on the
coast begin to change.  So, as dusk fell, Larry began drifting out to
sea. At that point, the Navy dispatched a helicopter to rescue him.  But
the rescue team had a hard time getting to him, because the draft from
their propeller kept pushing his home-made contraption farther and
farther away. Eventually they were able to hover over him and drop a
rescue line with which they gradually hauled him back to earth.

As soon as Larry hit the ground, he was arrested.  But as he was being
led away in handcuffs, a television reported called out, "Mr. Walters,
why'd you do it?"  Larry stopped, eyed the man, then replied
nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit around."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 16:16:40 -0500
From:    Erin <CANF_400@ACCESS.OHIO.GOV>
Subject: Dave Barry on College: Part 2 (non offensive)

Dave Barry on College (continued)...

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy,
psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really
understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve
virtually no actual facts.  I attended classes in all these
subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:

ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have
read little snippets of just before class.  Here is a tip on how to
get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a
book that anybody with any common sense would say.  For example,
suppose you are studying Moby-Dick.  Anybody with any common sense
would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters
in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand
times.  So in *your* paper, *you* say Moby-Dick is actually the
Republic of Ireland.  Your professor, who is sick to death of
reading papers and never liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are
enormously creative.  If you can regularly come up with lunatic
interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.

PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and
deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch.
You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
Psychologists are *obsessed* with rats and dreams.  I once spent an
entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain
sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing.  The rat
learned much faster.  My roommate is now a doctor.

If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats,
you should major in psychology.

SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and
away the number one subject.  I sat through hundreds of hours of
sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never
once heard or read a coherent statement.  This is because
sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of
their time translating simple, obvious observations into
scientific-sounding code.  If you plan to major in sociology, you'll
have to learn to do the same thing.  For example, suppose you have
observed that children cry when they fall down.  You should write:
"Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies
of prematurated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists
between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior
forms." If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will
get a large government grant.

*THE END

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 16:13:06 -0500
From:    George Hughes <hughie@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: Felony flops

This week's New Yorker magazine (24 Feb/3 Mar 1997) focuses on crime and
justice. There is lot a good humor about the darker side of life in this
issue. The following two samples come from Anthony Lane's great essay (p. 148).

            Jack the Realtor

In the nineteen-seventies, this anonymous real-estate agent lured young
women to dilapidated streets in Tribeca and tried to sell them vacant loft
space at suspiciously low prices. That his crimes went unsolved--and, in
some cases, unremembered--is due solely to the courage and quick thinking of
the women invovled. Without exception, they beat him down well below his
already feeble asking price, bought the property, and tehn sold it to Robert
De Niro in the mid-eighties. The realtor was never brought to justice, and
the speculation as to his true identity has been nil.

             The Menendez Sisters

these young Californians offered traumatized excuses for crimes they had
forgotten to commit. their efforts at kleptomania were foiled by a tendency
to pay twice for the same item and then leave the store without it. The
murder of their parents was similarly averted when Ceedee, nineteen, was
unable to reach an agreement with her sister Cassette, fifteen, about what
Mr. and Mrs. Menendez looked like. Quizzed by police, the girls cited a
series of humiliations at the hands of their mother, or maybe someone in
their calisthenics class. Both were released without charge, but went to
prison anyway for twenty years, on the ground that it was "totally amazing."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 17:09:12 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: Before i came to college i wish i had known...  <not offensive>

"Before I came to college I wish I had known..."


That it didn't matter how late I scheduled my first class,  I'd sleep right
     through it.
That just being away from High School could make me so different.
That you can love a lot of people in a lot of different ways and not always
know how much you love them, until they are far away.
That college kids throw airplanes too.
That laundry gets expensive.
That if you wear polyester everyone will ask you why you're so dressed up.
That Pop Tarts and coffee are two of the greatest things on Earth.
That every clock on campus shows a different time.
That if you were smart in high school--so what?
That yes, I do have an accent.
That I don't really have to take Calculus to graduate.
That I would go to a party the night before a final.
That no matter how many test booklets you have, its not enough.
That even though beer is disgusting, everyone drinks it.
That chem labs require more time than all my classes put together.
That you can know everything and fail a test.
That you can know nothing and ace a test.
That I could get used to almost anything I found out about my roommate.
That home is a great place to visit, but not for more than a week.
That no matter how many times you proofread a paper, there is still a girl
     on the fifth floor that can shred it.
That most of my education would be obtained outside of my classes.
That privacy is very hard to come by.
That friendship is more than getting drunk together.
That getting drunk together doesn't make two people friends.
That I would be one of those people my parents warned me about.
That free food served at 5:00 is gone by 5:30.
That staying up until 1:00 am on weeknights and crashing on the weekends
     isn't very good for your body.
That Sunday is a figment  of the world's imagination.
That Psychology is really Biology,
That Biology is really Chemistry,That Chemistry is really Physics, and
     Physics is really Math.
That 50% of my sleep would come during biology, chemistry, physics and math.
That my parents would become so much smarter in the last few years.
That my parents would begin to understand so much less.
That it's possible to be alone even when you are surrounded by friends.
That human contact really matters.
That friends are what makes this place worthwhile!!
Don't be dismayed at goodbyes.
A farewell is necessary before we can meet again, and meeting again,
     after moments or a lifetime is certain for those who are friends.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 17:07:27 EST
From:    "Martha E. Frantz" <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: physics at its finest

A thermodynamics professor had written a take home exam for his graduate
students.

It had one question:

   Is hell exothermic or endothermic?
   Support your answer with a proof.

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law or some
variant. One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we postulate that if souls exist, then they must have some mass.
If they do, then a mole of souls can also have a mass.  So, at what rate
are souls moving into hell and at what rate are souls leaving?  I think that
we can safely assume that once a soul gets to hell, it will not leave.
Therefore, no souls are leaving.

As for souls entering hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in
the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member
of their religion, you will go to hell.  Since there are more than one of these
religions and people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project
that all people and all souls go to hell.

With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in
hell to increase exponentially.

Now, we look at the rate of change in volume in hell. Boyle's Law states that
in order for the temperature and pressure in hell to stay the same, the ratio
of the mass of souls and volume needs to stay constant.

So, if hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter
hell, then the temperature and pressure in hell will increase until all hell
breaks loose.

Of course, if hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until hell freezes over.
     _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

It was not revealed what grade the student got.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 18:05:04 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: Recipe for Love Cake <suggestive,sexual,crude>

Recipe For Love Cake
====================

Ingredients:
   2 loving eyes
   2 loving arms
   2 well shaped legs
   2 firm milk containers
   1 fur lined mixing bowl
   2 large nuts
   1 large banana

Directions:
   1. Look into loving eyes
   2. Fold in loving arms
   3. Spread well shaped legs
   4. Squeeze and massage Milk Containers gently until mixing bowl is
        well greased. Check frequently with middle finger
   5. Add banana - work in and out until well creamed
   6. Cover with nuts and sigh with relif

Cake is done when the banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing
utensils and don't lick the bowl

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 21:03:55 EST
From:    Elvis Was Here <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Dog Joke <adult . . . I guess>

What do you call a dog with no legs and steel balls?

Sparky!!!

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 21 Feb 1997 to 22 Feb 1997
************************************************
