HUMOR Digest - 20 Feb 1997 to 21 Feb 1997
There are 18 messages totalling 930 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Cultural Differences
  2. [Fwd: Drug Dealers Vs. Software Developers (fwd)]
  3. HUMOR: Egg-Nog
  4. The Ultimate Poopie(adult)
  5. It's A Wacky World
  6. Administratum (clean)
  7. Household accident, One Injured
  8. DICTIONARY OF MEDICAL TERMS <not offensive> 
  9. I'm in pain, doctor <adult, sick>
 10. A Blonde Buys a Television <adult>
 11. The Missing Ladle
 12. Aquarium and Philosophy
 13. India(n) humor: Trying to impress the Brits
 14. Dave Barry on College: Part 1 (non offensive)
 15. Green Eggs and Hamlet
 16. Y.O.D.A  Song < may be offensive to the Village People >
 17. A Collection for O.J. <poss. offensive to O.J. fans>
 18. He's a pig when drunk

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 19 Feb 1997 20:58:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Cultural Differences

Cultural Differences Explained
==============================

Aussies:   Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when
           abroad.
Americans: Encourage being mistaken for Canadians when abroad.
Brits:     Can't possibly be mistaken for anyone else when abroad.

Aussies:   Believe you should look out for your mates.
Brits:     Believe that you should look out for those people who belong
           to your club.
Americans: Believe that people should look out for & take care of
           themselves.
Canadians: Believe that that's the government's job.

Aussies:   Are extremely patriotic to their beer.
Americans: Are flag-waving, anthem-singing, and obsessively patriotic to
           the point of blindness.
Canadians: Can't agree on the words to their anthem, when they can be
           bothered to sing them.
Brits:     Do not sing at all but prefer a large brass band to perform
           the anthem.

Americans: Spend most of their lives glued to the idiot box.
Canadians: Don't, but only because they can't get more American channels.
Brits:     Pay a tax just so they can watch four channels.
Aussies:   Export all their crappy programs, which no-one there watches,
           to Britain, where everybody loves them.

Americans: Will jabber on incessantly about football, baseball, and
           basketball.
Brits:     Will jabber on incessantly about cricket, soccer, and rugby.
Canadians: Will jabber on incessantly about hockey, hockey, hockey,
           hockey, and how they beat the Americans twice, playing baseball.
Aussies:   Will jabber on incessantly about how they beat the Poms in
           every sport they play them in.

Americans: Spell words differently, but still call it "English".
Brits:     Pronounce their words differently, but still call it "English".
Canadians: Spell like the Brits, pronounce like Americans.
Aussies:   Add "G'day", "mate" and a heavy accent to everything they say
           in an attempt to get laid.

Brits:     Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
           island.
Aussies:   Shop at home and have goods imported because they live on an
           island.
Americans: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
           in a backwards country.
Canadians: Cross the southern border for cheap shopping, gas, & liquor
           in a backwards country.

Americans: Drink weak, pissy-tasting beer.
Canadians: Drink strong, pissy-tasting beer.
Brits:     Drink warm, beery-tasting piss.
Aussies:   Drink anything with alcohol in it.

Americans: Seem to think that poverty & failure are morally suspect.
Canadians: Seem to believe that wealth and success are morally suspect.
Brits:     Seem to believe that wealth, poverty, success and failure
           are inherited things.
Aussies:   Seem to think that none of this matters after several beers.


---
Sure,drinking kills brain cells, but only the weak ones

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 08:12:30 -0500
From:    Doug McNees <PADLEOS@AOL.COM>
Subject: Re: [Fwd: Drug Dealers Vs. Software Developers (fwd)]

--------------------------         ---------------------------
Drug dealers                        Software developers
---------------------------         ---------------------------

Refer to their clients              Refer to their clients
as "users".                         as "users".

"The first one's free!"             "Download a free trial version..."

Have important South-East           Have important South-East
Asian connections                   Asian connections
(to help move the stuff).           (to help debug the code).

Strange jargon:                     Strange jargon:
"Stick," "Rock,"                    "SCSI," "RTFM,"
"Dime bag," "E".                    "Java," "ISDN".

Realize that there's                Realize that there's
tons of cash in the                 tons of cash in the
14- to 25-year-old                  14- to 25-year-old
market.                             market.

Job is assisted by the              Job is assisted by
industry's producing                industry's producing
newer, more potent mixes.           newer, faster machines.

Often seen in the company           Often seen in the company of
of pimps and hustlers.              marketing people and venture
                                    capitalists.

Their product causes                DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem
unhealthy addictions.               Nuff said.

Do your job well, and               Do your job well and you'll have
you can sleep with                  time left over to downlaod some
sexy movie stars who                .mpg, .avi, .mov, .jgp, .gif
depend on you.

Customers in trouble                Customers in trouble are told
are given NO ASSISTANCE.            to call TECH SUPPORT.

No Refunds! No Returns!             No Refunds! No Returns!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 09:48:59 -0500
From:    Matt Grob <MATTHEW.GROB@EY.COM>
Subject: HUMOR: Egg-Nog

>From Dave Attel's HBO Comedy Special:

What about egg-nog?  What is it?  The guy who invented it, what was he thinking?

"Well, let's see. I want a drink . . . but I also want pancakes."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 12:57:17 -0500
From:    Jenny Xu <Jenny518@AOL.COM>
Subject: The Ultimate Poopie List(adult)


Ghost Poopie-  The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's
no poopie in the toilet.

Clean Poopie-  The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet,
but there's nothing on the toilet paper.

Wet Poopie-  The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still
feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and
your underwear so you don't ruin them with skid marks.

Second Wave Poopie-  It happens when your done poopie-ing, and you have
pulled your pants up to your knees and you realize you have to poopie some
more.

Pop-A-Vein-In-Your-Forehead-Poopie-  The kind where you strain so much to
get it out, you almost have a stroke.

Richard Simmons Poopie-  You poopie so much you lose 30 pounds.

Lincoln Log Poopie-  The kind of poopie that is so huge, you're afraid to
flush without breaking it up into little pieces with the toilet brush.

Corn Poopie-  Self Explanatory!

Gee, I Wish I Could Poopie, Poopie-  It's the kind where you want to
poopie real bad, but all you do is sit, cramp, and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Poopie-  That's where it hurts so bad coming out, you'd swear
it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Poopie (The Power Dump)-  The kind that comes out of your
rectum so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.

Liquid Poopie-  The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your
butt and splatters all over the toilet, and at the same time chronically
burns your tender poop chute.

Mexican Food Poopie-  It smells so bad the room is condemned.

The Girlie Poopie-  The people that think their poopie doesn't stink..

Fisherman's Bobber Poopie-  That's the kind where you're in the public
rest-room, and there are two people waiting for your stall.  You poopie
and flush two times, but several golf ball-sized pieces are still floating
on the water..

The VanGough Poopie-  That's where after you poopie, you are shocked to
see all the different colors in your poopie, and try to figure out what
you ate to do it again.

The Show-and-Tell Poopie-  You're so impressed with your own poopie, you
leave it in the bowl so all your friends can appreciate it too

The Wipers Nightmare-  That's the kind that breaks off too soon, so half
falls in to the bowl and half stays hanging.

Ambush Poopie-  That's when your in public and you think you have to fart,
but you get a sneak attack squirt instead.

Paralyzing Poopie- When you're sitting poopie-ing so long your legs fall
asleep.

He Just Poopied, Poopie-  When you get done poopie-ing, you put your
shorts back on and go out in public with those identifying bright red
pressure circles on the back of your legs for all to see.

The "What Crawled Up Your Butt & Died?" Poopie-  Also sometimes referred
to as The Toxic Dump. Of course you don't warn anyone of the poisonous
bathroom odor.  Instead, you stand innocently near the door and enjoy the
show as they run out gagging and gasping for air.

The Snake Charmer Poopie-  A long skinny poopie which has managed to coil
itself into a frightening position - usually harmless.

The Ritual Poopie-  This poopie occurs at the same time each day and is
accomplished with the aid of a newspaper.

The Ranger Poopie-  A poopie which refuses to let go.  It is usually
necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the
only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper.

The Premeditated Poopie-  Laxative induced.  Doesn't count.

The Porridge Poopie-  The type that comes out like toothpaste, and just
keeps on coming.  You have two choices:
1) Flush and keep going.
2) Risk it piling up to your crack while you sit there helpless.

The Pebbles-From-Heaven Poopie-  An adorable collection of small turds in
a cluster, often a gift from God when you cannot poopie.

The Peek-A-Boo Poopie-  Now you see it, now you don't!  This poopie is
playing games with you.  Requires patience and muscle control.

The Mood Enhancer-  This poopie occurs after a lengthy period of
constipation, thereby allowing you to be your old self again.

The "I Think I'm A Bunny" Poopie-  When you drop lots of cute, little
round ones that look like marbles and make tiny splashing sounds when they
hit the water.

The "I'm Going To Chew My Food Better" Poopie-  When the bag of Doritos
you ate last night lacerates the insides of your poop shoot on the way out
in the morning.

The Honeymoon's Over Poopie-  This is any poopie created in the presence
of another person.

The Groaner-  A poopie so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance.

The Energizer Poopie-  "Still Going!"

The Crowd Pleaser-  This poopie is so intriguing in size and/or
appearance that you have to show it to someone before flushing.

The Cliffhanger-  Where you just sit there patiently and wait for the last
cling-on to drop off, because if you wipe now it's going to smear all over
the place.

The Back-To-Nature Poopie-  This poopie may be of any variety but is
always deposited either in the woods or while hiding behind the passenger
side of your car.  Beware of poison ivy wipes.

The Aftershock Poopie-  This poopie has an odor so powerful that anyone
entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

The Terminator-  You poopie so hard you fall off the toilet.

T2- More extreme then The Terminator, you require some medical assistance
to restart your heart.  Clear!

The Cowboy-  You've got to poopie so bad that you proceed to buck and
holler until finally the poopie's been tamed.

The Runner's Poopie-  Experienced by long distance runners who don't want
to stop so they poopie in their shorts. (inspired by Jeff Reigal of
BadAxe, MI)

Poopszopherenia-  Fear of poopie-ing, can be fatal!

The Pool Poopie-  Usually performed by younger children.  It's too much
fun in the pool so why get out?  Makes a great floatie toy afterwards!

Painter's Poopie- You're up on the scaffolding and it takes to long to
get down so you just cramp it and wait.

Lost Poopie-  That's when there's a poopie in the urinal.

Farmer Poopie- The jiggling of the tractor gives you the urge to surge so
let it fly and watch the corn grow to the sky!

Hallmark Poopie-  You're so touched by the sentimental value of your
poopie you've just gotta send it to someone for their birthday.

Seat Slider Poopie-  You've leaned a little to far back and now there's
a racing stripe left for everyone to see.

"Bomb's Away" Poopie- This one is distinguished by the whistle through the
air and the loud thud when it hits ground zero.  Outhouses only! (a.k.a.
"Da Bomb!")

Chills and Trills Poopie-  The arctic air has frozen your hands so there's
no telling if it's your hand or the paper your wiping that blessing up
with.

The Shiver Poopie-  The Lord has blessed you so much by this one that
it's followed by a quick shiver and a giggle, sometimes even goose-bumps.

The Thrift Shop Poopie- Always a great value!

The Recycled Poopie- The Earth can't lose when you reuse!

The Vegetarian Poopie- Looks a lot like lentil loaf.  Tastes like it
too!

The Dragster Poopie- Starts off slow, but get's out of the hole quick.

The Polaroid Poopie-  Gotta have a picture.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 12:19:37 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

                         The Battle Of The Molecules

Austin, Texas --  Nothing's too small for politicians to debate. Even
molecules.  Rep. Scott Hochberg, D-Houston, apparently thought his idea of
making Rice University's Nobel Prize-winning "buckyball" the official Texas
molecule would glide through the Legislature unopposed.

 But Hochberg, a Rice alum and an electrical engineer tutored in the
arguments of science, should have known better.

 University of Texas chemist Jonathan Sessler has another candidate for the
Texas title: his Texaphyrin, a 9-year-old, engineered molecule undergoing
tests as a delivery system for anti-cancer drugs.

 For one thing, Sessler says buckyballs -- the whimsically nicknamed form
of carbon discovered by Rice chemists Rick Smalley and Robert Curl --
belong to nature and, therefore, aren't specifically Texan. Sessler, on the
other hand, designed his Texaphyrin, for which a patent is pending, in the
shape of a two-dimensional Frisbee with a five-point Lone Star in the
middle of it.

 "The buckyball is like the Hope diamond," Sessler said. "The scientists
picked it up and polished it. But that's a very different kind of beauty
than the Sistine Chapel, which came out of a person's brain and hand."

Source: Houston Chronicle

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 11:03:13 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <JBRENTS@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: Administratum (clean)

The heaviest element known to science was recently discovered by
Physicists. The element, tentatively named Administratum, has no protons   
or electrons and thus has an atomic number of 0. However it does have:

           1 neutron.
         125 assistant neutrons
          75 vice-neutrons
         111 assistant vice-neutrons

This gives it an atomic mass of 312. The 312 particles are held together
by a force that involves the continuous exchange of meson-like particles
called morons.

Since it has no electrons, Administratum is inert. However, it can be
detected chemically as it impedes every action with which it comes in
contact. According to the discoverers, a minute amount of Administratum
causes one reaction to take four days to complete when it would have
normally occurred in less than one second.

Administratum has a normal half-life of approximately three years, at
which time it does not actually decay but instead undergoes a
reorganization in which assistant neutrons, vice neutrons, and assistant
vice-neutrons exchange places. Some studies have shown that atomic mass
actually increases after each reorganization. Research at other
laboratories indicates that Administratum occurs naturally in the
atmosphere. It tends to concentrate at certain points such as government agencies, large corporations, and universities, and can usually be found
in the newest, best appointed, and best maintained buildings.

Scientists point out that Administratum is known to be toxic at any
level of concentration and can easily destroy any productive reaction 
where it is allowed to accumulate. Attempts are being made to determine
how. Administratum can be controlled to prevent irreversible damage, but
results to date are not promising.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 14:21:24 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Household accident, One Injured

        Newsman Paul Harvey has been a fixture on radio in US since way, way
back.  The following item comes from a recent broadcast monitored in Ithaca.

        An accident occurred in the home of Mr. and Mrs. X of Someplace, USA.
As Mrs. X was walking across their living she slipped and sat down upon the
keys of the piano.  She was not injured.

        Just after she "sat down" Mr. X exclaimed, "Wow, Two octaves!"

        Mr. X was treated at the local emergency room and released.

        Good day.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 14:43:09 -0500
From:    Joshua Ostroff <joshua@VMR.COM>
Subject: DICTIONARY OF MEDICAL TERMS <not offensive>

Credit it to Author Unknown:

 DICTIONARY OF MEDICAL TERMS

 Anti-Body              against everyone
 Artery                 study of paintings
 Bacteria               back door to a cafeteria
 Barium                 what to do when treatment fails
 Bowel                  letters like A E I O or U
 Caesarean Section      a district in Rome
 Cardiology             advanced study of poker playing
 Cat Scan               searching for ones lost kitty
 Cauterize              made eye contact with her
 Colic                  sheep dog
 Coma                   punctuation mark
 Congenital             friendly
 D/C                    where Washington is
 Dilate                 to live long
 Enema                  not a friend
 Fester                 quicker
 Genes                  blue denim slacks
 Genital                non-Jewish
 Hangnail               coat hook
 Hemorrhoid             a male From outer space
 Herpes                 what women do in the Ladies Room
 Hormones               what a prostitute does when she doesn't get paid
 Impotent               distinguished, well known
 Inpatient              tired of waiting
 Labor Pain             hurt at work
 Medical Staff          a doctor's cane
 Minor Operation        coal digging
 Morbid                 a higher bid
 Nitrate                cheaper than the Day Rate
 Node                   was aware of
 Organic                organ repairman
 Outpatient             a person who has fainted
 Paralyze               two far-fetched stories
 Pharmacist             person who makes a living dealing in agriculture
 Post-Operative         a letter carrier
 Protein                in favor of young people
 Recovery Room          place to upholster furniture
 Rectum                 what happened to the Corvette
 Rheumatic              amorous
 Saline                 where you go on your boyfriend's boat
 Secretion              hiding something
 Tablet                 a small table
 Terminal Illness       getting sick at the airport
 Tibia                  country in North Africa
 Tumor                  an extra pair
 Urine                  opposite of You're Out
 Varicose               nearby
 Vein                   conceited

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 17:30:25 -0500
From:    Lord Julus <ionifl@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: I'm in pain, doctor <adult, sick>

One day, a woman comes to the doctor claiming she is in big pain.
"Well,..., sais the doctor, you're gonna have to take of your clothes"
So she does.
He touches her between her legs.
"Does it hurts?"
"No"
So he gets his hand inside her pussy.
"Does it hurts yet?"
"No"
So he goes deeper.
"Now?"
"No"
...He gets his whole hand inside.
"Now does it hurts?"
"Yes !!"
..."Well, said the doctor. You've got amygdalitis!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 19:02:40 EST
From:    Elvis Was Here <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: A Blonde Buys a Television <adult>

A blonde goes into an appliance store looking for a television.
After a few minutes, she picks one out and approaches the salesman.
"I want to buy this television."she says.  The salesman replies
"Sorry, we don't serve blondes here."

She gets mad, leaves and goes home.  She dyes her hair brown and
returns to the store.  "I want to buy this television." she says
to the salesman, getting the same response; "Sorry miss, we don't
serve blondes here."

She leaves again, frustrated.  She goes home and proceeds to
shave her head, eyebrows and all, leaving no visible trace of
blonde hair on her head.  Upon returning to the store, she once
again approaches the salesman.

Sir, I would like to purchace this television, and I don't want
any problems."  To which the salesman replies, "Sorry Miss, We
don't serve blondes."  Fed up with this, She cries "How can you
tell that I am a blonde?

I have dyed my hair and even resorted to shaving my head!"
To which the salesman replied, " Well Miss, that television you
are trying to buy is a microwave!"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 19:16:50 -0500
From:    "." <hawgasm@RICHMOND.INFI.NET>
Subject: The Missing Ladle

In France, young assistant pastors do not live in the main rectory. That is
reserved for the pastor and his housekeeper. One day the pastor invited his
new young assistant pastor to have dinner at the rectory. While being served,
the young pastor noticed how shapely and lovely the housekeeper was and down
deep in his heart he wondered if there was more between the pastor and the
housekeeper.

After the meal was over, the middle-aged pastor assured the young priest that
everything was purely professional... That she was the housekeeper and cook
and that was that. About a week later the housekeeper came to the pastor and
said, "Father, ever since the new assistant came for dinner I have not been
able to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose he took it,
do you?"

The pastor said, "Well, I doubt it but I'll write him a letter." So he sat
down and wrote, "Dear Father, I'm not saying you did take the gravy ladle and
I'm not saying you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it
has been missing since you were here for dinner." The young assistant
received the letter, and he answered it as follows: "Dear Father Pastor, I'm
not saying that you do sleep with the housekeeper and I'm not saying that you
do not sleep with the housekeeper. But I do know for sure that if you slept
in your own bed you would find the gravy ladle."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 17:10:47 +0800
From:    Hakan Kiyici <9220303@TALABAH.IIU.MY>
Subject: Aquarium and Philosophy

DO YOU HAVE AN AQUAVARIUM IN YUR HOUSE/ROOM?
One day Temel goes to a bookstore.looks around the books novels,
fictions, non-fictions, dictionaries and books about philosophy.
Introduction to philosophy, philosophy of man, philossophy of God,
philosophy of social sciences etc.
He gets quite curious about philosophy and calls salesboy over and ask:
" Friend , tell me what this philosophy thing is all about. If yu
convince me I am going to buy a bunch of these books."
Salesboy contemplates for minutes and finds a way out to convince him

s- let me tell you about philosophy , how logically it works and how
useful to understand everyday happenings.
t- please,
S- sir do you have an aquarium in your house
T- yes,
S- if you have an aquarium, you should have fishes inside,
t- yes
s- if you feed fishes, that means you like pets and all animals
t- yes, I do like
s- if u like the animals you like all creatures
t- yes i do like all creatures
s- if you like all creatures u like the planet
t- yes
s- if u like the planet, u like all the beings
t- yes, i do like in fact
s- if u like all beings u like the human beigns
t- yes
s- if u like human beings, u may like females more and may be in love with
   one of them.
t- (thinks about his girl) yes I do like, and infact i am in love
s- So you are a real, genuine man
t- Friend, this philosophy thing is really very interesting and fantastic

Temel buys twenty of those books and leaves the bookstore. While he is
going back to his house, he meets his friend Dursun. Dursun asks:
D- what are all those things Temel
t- (with pride) philosophy books
d- what is this philosophy thing ?
t- (remembering analogy given by salesboy) let me explain you what
   philosophy is all about ; Do you have an Aquavarium in your house?
d- No , I don't have
t- OOO Dear! you are a gay , then.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 20:07:59 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: India(n) humor: Trying to impress the Brits

India Discussion list, 19 February 1997
Date: Wed, 19 Feb 1997 10:08:50 -0800 (PST)
From: "Kumaramurthy Sivaramakrishnan" <murthy_sk@hotmail.com>
Subject: M as in Mary ?

Outside an ISD/STD/PCO booth somewhere in North India, a
British tourist was waiting his turn. Inside, Ramu, was
busy spelling out some financial solutions to his parents in
the neighbouring village. The tourist began to count the
"Haan ji" & "Naa ji" in his conversation. Noticing the
interest of the tourist, Ramu wanted to talk English-to-
English. He asked the phone to be given to his younger
brother at the other end. He shouted into the receiver.
"Oh Yes Yes, little brother, I'll send the M.T" and whispered
"Haan Haan wahi matbal hai". Then shouted again, "You want me
to spell it? Ok". When the tourist heard him say "M as in Mary",
he immediately went into a thought process, of how much India
owed Britain for giving it an English context. Ramu finshed
with "aur T as in Teri"

Hint for humor: Teri is not as in Teri Garr/Hatcher !
Note: Work of fiction

Translations:
`ISD/STD/PCO booth' is where you go to make long distance telephone
calls. These are commercial stores, usually operated by two or three
clerks. Even though there are usually glass partitions to give you a
sense of privacy, anyone who cares to can overhear the speaker's side
of the conversation (as in this story).
`Haan ji': Respectful Yes             `Naa  ji': Respectful No
`Haan Haan wahi matbal hai : Yes, Yes that is what it means.
(matbal is an incorrect pronunciation of matlab, but has found
its way into some dialects)
`Meri' homonymous with the majority pronunciation of Mary : Mine
`Teri': Yours                          `aur': and

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 20:14:01 -0500
From:    Erin <CANF_400@ACCESS.OHIO.GOV>
Subject: Dave Barry on College: Part 1 (non offensive)

A friend sent this to me; I don't think I've ever seen it here, so enjoy!

                               What is College??

Dave Barry on College....

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about
going to college.  (That is, of course, a lie.  The only things you
young persons think seriously about are loud music and sex.  Trust
me: these are closely related to college.)

College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly
two thousand hours and try to memorize things.  The two thousand
hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time
sleeping and trying to get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

* Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).  These
include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and
crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.

* Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in
-osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on.  The idea is, you memorize these
things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them.
If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay
in college for the rest of your life.

It's very difficult to forget everything.  For example, when I was
in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of
three metaphysical poets other than John Donne.  I have managed to
forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were
named Vaughan and Crashaw.  Sometimes, when I'm trying to remember
something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed
in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in
my mind, right there in the supermarket.  It's a terrible waste of
brain cells.

After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to
choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and
forget the most things about.  Here is a very important piece of
advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts
and Right Answers.

This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology,
or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts.  If, for
example, you major in mathematics, you're going to wander into class
one day and the professor will say: "Define the cosine integer of
the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result
to five significant vertices." If you don't come up with *exactly*
the answer the professor has in mind, you fail.  The same is true of
chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen
combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you.  He wants you to
come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have
agreed on.  Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

to be continued

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 18:14:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Green Eggs and Hamlet

GREEN EGGS & HAMLET

I ask to be, or not to be.
That is the question, I ask of me.
This sullied life, it makes me shudder.
My uncle's boffing dear, sweet mother.
Would I, could I take my life?
Could I, should I, end this strife?
Should I jump out of a plane?
Or throw myself before a train?
Should I from a cliff just leap?
Could I put myself to sleep?
Shoot myself, or take some poison?
Maybe try self immoloition?
To shudder off this mortal coil,
I could stab myself with a fencing foil.
Slash my wrists while in the bath?
Would it end my angst and wrath?
To sleep, to dream, now there's the rub.
I could drop a toaster in my tub.
Would all be glad, if I were dead?
Could I perhaps kill them instead?
This line of thought takes consideration -
For I'm the king of procrastination.


---
Rude, crude, and politically incorrect ... but Happy!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 22:58:26 -0500
From:    Debbie Gilleland <GDebby@AOL.COM>
Subject: Y.O.D.A  Song < may be offensive to the Village People >

Y.O.D.A   (Sing to the Village People's "Y.M.C.A")

(As sung by master Yoda, on meeting Luke Skywalker.)

YOUNG MAN, I saw your ship come down.  I said,
YOUNG MAN, now it's muddy and brown.  I said,
YOUNG MAN, put your weapon away, 'cause I
*MEAN* *YOU* *NO* *HARM* *I* *SAY*

YOUNG MAN, There's no need to feel fear.  I am
WONDERIN', tell me why are you here?  How you
GROWIN', from this food on the plate, I say
*WARS* *DO* *NOT* *MAKE* *ONE* *GREAT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
Come and get yourself clean!
Come and have a good meal!
Pretty soon now, the Force you'll feel!

YOUNG MAN, you fell out of the sky, into
SOMETHIN' brown that smells like a sty, and this
TIN CAN started swimming and then, he got
*SPAT* *OUT* *LIKE* *SOME* *THROAT* *PHLEGM*

YOUNG MAN, Welcome to Dagobah.  He is
COMIN', master Yoda not far.  I'll be
HAVIN' this bright thing that ain't hot.  It is
*MINE* *OR* *I'LL* *HELP* *YOU* *NOT*

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
He's 900 years old!
He's so strong in the Force!
Do your Jedi Diploma course!

You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
You must be here to see Y.O.D.A.
Don't just stand in the rain!
You're all covered with mud!
Come and sample my homemade crud!
OLD BEN, Are you listenin' to me?  I can't
TRAIN HIM, he's so reckless you see!  Like his
OLD MAN, he's so angry but brave!  Betcha
*HE* *SCREWS* *UP* *AT* *THE* *CAVE*

YOUNG MAN, If you start will you end, or be
GOING, off to save all your friends?  To be
TRAINING, needs commitment and work, if you
*WIMP* *OUT* *THEN* *YOU'RE* *A* *JERK*

You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.
You should stay here and train!
You don't have to save Han!

If you do so, you'll lose your hand!
You gotta stay here with Y.O.D.A.

(repeat and fade).


{ This was sent to me by my friend Bina. Author unknown. }

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 20 Feb 1997 23:30:22 -0500
From:    Joel Rosner <jhr18@COLUMBIA.EDU>
Subject: A Collection for O.J. <poss. offensive to O.J. fans>

>From Peter Langston's Fun People list
------------

A man is on his way home from work one afternoon in LA and he's stopped in
traffic and thinks, "Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual.  We're not
even moving."

He notices a police officer walking down the highway in between the cars and
he rolls down his window and asks, "Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?"

"O.J. just found out the verdict; he's all depressed.  He's lying down in
the middle of the highway and he's threatening to douse himself in gasoline
and light himself on fire.  He just doesn't have $33.5 million for the
Goldmans.  I'm walking around taking up a collection for him."

The man said, "Oh really?  How much have you collected so far?"

"About three hundred gallons."

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 21 Feb 1997 00:32:44 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: He's a pig when drunk

One morning after a night of heavy drinking an officer woke up
and saw his orderly cleaning his tunic.
"Boy did we get pissed last night! , and there was one real pig
who was sick all over my tunic."
"You're right" , replied the orderly , "He must have been a really
big pig , because he shat in your pants as well."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 20 Feb 1997 to 21 Feb 1997
************************************************
