HUMOR Digest - 18 Feb 1997 to 19 Feb 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 533 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Bus Driver.<rude & may be offensive>
  2. Adultery <adult humor>
  3. Still yet another groaner
  4. funny news stories
  5. What you will never hear... (not really off. to anyone)
  6. FW: If only they'd listen...
  7. Top ten "dump" lines <crude>
  8. College, by Dave Barry
  9. YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT...<NOT OFFENSIVE>
 10. 3 Quickies <adult>
 11. Trainee Preacher! <offensive>
 12. No new jokes
 13. Spoiled rotten <adult , sexual , suggestive>
 14. In the German war camp. <off to Jews and 5/10000

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Date:    Tue, 18 Feb 1997 00:00:13 +0800
From:    Hakan Kiyici <9220303@TALABAH.IIU.MY>
Subject: Bus Driver.<rude & may be offensive>

A hippi runs into a nun in the public bus. She looks too atractive and
innocent to him. So he asks for a little fuck. She strongly refuses and
rushes out of the bus. WHile hippi is getting off,  bus driver
tells him about the nun:
-I know all about her. She always prays after midnight  in town
graveyard in the backyard of Church. If you put on white clothes, and
introduce yourself as Jesus in a holistic voice, she will definitely give
you what you want.
 The next midnight, hippi goes to the graveyard and  sees nun coming. He
introduces himself as Jesus and would be savior of her if she gives a little
fuck to him. Nun does not hesitate but says that she is virgin. SO anal
sex should be the only way. After finishing the job, hippi uncovers
himself and says:
- I am not Jesus, i am that hiippi you refused, hahahahahaaaa!

The nun uncovers herself, gives bigger laugther and says:
- I am not the nun , Haa hahahah, I am the bus driver.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Feb 1997 02:52:00 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Adultery <adult humor>

*   Two women, who were bitter rivals all their lives, met for lunch
  together one afternoon.  The one lady noticed the other was walking
  stiffly and asked what the problem was.  She replied, "Oh nothing.
  It's just that if my husband were any bigger I couldn't take it."
     The second replied, "I know !  I know !"
                                - - - - -

*   Two Yuppies in Columbia Maryland were having a "heart-to-heart".
  The first told her companion that she was having an "affair."
    The second smiled and said, "Oh really ???  Who's catering ?"
                                - - - - -

*   Pete and Joe were returning home from a nite of bowling.  Pete
  suggested that they stop off and get a beer.  "I know this great new
  joint," he said, "where you can have a lot of fun.  For one thing, as
  ya go in the door they give you a ticket.  During the evening they
  have hourly drawings.  One of the prizes is sex in the back room."
    "Wow !" said Joe, "Have you won yet ?  I mean this sounds like some
  kind of wild place."
    "Well, no." said Pete "I haven't won yet, but my wife won three
  times just last week."
                                - - - - -

*   The husband, tired of a listless sex life came right out and asked
  his wife during a recent love-making session, "How come you never tell
  me when you have an orgasm ?"
     She looked him rite in the eye and said, "You're never home !"
                                - - - - -

*   A young married woman was discussing her sex life with a girlfriend.
  The girlfriend asked, "Do you talk to your husband when you're making
  love ? "
     She thought about it a minute then said, "Well, no.  But I could.
  I mean he has a cell phone and all now."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Feb 1997 07:51:52 -0500
From:    Mark Morris <Whrek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Still yet another groaner

Once there was a man who had an unfortunate tendency toward being incompetent
in everything he did. However, he still tried very hard to succeed. He had
tried sales, but bombed out. He had tried construction, but his houses were
always crooked. He finally decided that maybe his problems were rooted in
where he lived, so he decided to move. After looking the country over, he
decided to move to Mississippi , where the cotton industry was, and he
decided to try his hand at managing a cotton farm.
Well, things went ok for a while, but then he started noticing that, while
his output was acceptable, his competitors were always seeming to do better
than he was. So he decided to learn more about the cutthroat business, and to
his surprise, he learned that the most successful cotton farmers always
seemed to have no problems with boll weevils, those nasty insects that devour
raw cotton, and that some farmers seemed to have a great problem with
weevils.
Then he had a brilliant idea - he would sell his farm, and go into the
business of being a supplier of insects, both good and bad. Then he thought
that might be a little expensive to sell your stock, and instead it might be
best to rent them. However, he decided to start small, and only after finding
two boll weevils, he set up in business.
Thus he became known as the leaser of two weevils.
------------------------------------------------------------------
I have also noted some disparaging remarks about us West Virginians.

How do you tell a Wayne County (WV) virgin?

She can run faster than her brothers!

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Feb 1997 07:34:41 -0600
From:    Cyndi Johnson <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: funny news stories

+++ SYDNEY (Sydney Morning Herald, 02-15) submitted by:
Capt. Papineau papineau@1cdndiv.kingston.net -
A lawyer charged a woman client $26 (Australian) for opening
and reading a Christmas card she had sent him. He billed her
an additional $26 for calling and thanking her for sending him
the card.

+++ ISTANBUL (Reuter, 02-11) submitted by:
Capt. Papineau papineau@1cdndiv.kingston.net - Turkish thieves
stole 210 pairs of shoes from outside the Vali Kamil Acun mosque,
as Muslim worshipers were praying inside.

+++ BOGOTA (Reuters, 02-05) - Six family members were stabbed to death
by thieves who stole a clay piggy bank containing about $150 in
coins.

***This message was printed with recycled electrons***

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Feb 1997 09:24:16 -0500
From:    Ralph Welsch-Lehmann <Ralph_Welsch-Lehmann@DBNA.COM>
Subject: What you will never hear... (not really off. to anyone)

     She: "Let's not go out for dinner and drinks! Let's just go to your
     place and make out!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Feb 1997 14:00:00 GMT
From:    Andrew J Rawstron <Andrew.J.Rawstron@GB.NALEXX.INFONET.COM>
Subject: FW: If only they'd listen...

From:  Kaynama, Arzhang
Sent:  29 January 1997 15:39

12 Tips from Junior Employees to Senior Managers on: How to Enhance their
Relationship:

1. Never give me work in the morning.  Always wait until 5:00 and then
   bring it to me.  The challenge of a deadline is always refreshing.

2. If it's really a "rush job," run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes
   to inquire how it's going.  That greatly aids my efficiency.

3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going.  It gives me a
   chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.

4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books or supplies, don't open
   the door for me.  I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and
   opening doors is good training.

5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is the
   priority.  Let me guess.

6. Do your best to keep me late.  I like the office and really have
   nowhere to go or anything to do.

7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. Leaks like that could
   cost me a promotion.

8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular
   in conversation.

9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down.  If
   fact, save them until the job is almost done.

10. Never introduce me to the people you're with.  When you refer to them
    later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.

11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change
    your life.

12. Tell me all your little problems.  No one else has any and it's nice
    to know someone is less fortunate.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Feb 1997 09:47:56 -0700
From:    Charles Maxson <cmaxson@GRAND-CANYON.EDU>
Subject: Top ten "dump" lines <crude>

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)
______________________________________________________________________

10. I think of you as a brother.
    (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9.  There's a slight difference in our ages.
    (You are one jurassic geezer.)

8.  I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
    (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7.  My life is too complicated right now.
    (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear
    phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6.  I've got a boyfriend
    (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5.  I don't date men where I work.
    (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same
    'solar system', much less the same building.)

4.  It's not you, it's me.
    (It's not me, it's you.)

3.  I'm concentrating on my career.
    (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better
    than dating you.)

2.  I'm celibate.
    (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

....and the number 1 rejection line given by women

1.  Let's be friends.
    (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating
     detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with.  It's
     that male perspective thing)

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)
_________________________________________________________________

10. I think of you as a sister.
    (You're ugly.)

9.  There's a slight difference in our ages.
    (You're ugly.)

8.  I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way.
    (You're ugly.)

7.  My life is too complicated right now.
    (You're ugly.)

6.  I've got a girlfriend.
    (You're ugly.)

5.  I don't date women where I work.
    (You're ugly.)

4.  It's not you, it's me..
    (You're ugly.)

3.  I'm concentrating on my career.
    (You're ugly.)

2.  I'm celibate.
    (You're ugly.)

...and the number 1 rejection line given by men

1.  Let's be friends.
    (You're sinfully ugly.)

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Feb 1997 09:54:14 -0800
From:    Juanita Brents <JBRENTS@FOUNDATION.SDSU.EDU>
Subject: College, by Dave Barry

DAVE BARRY ON COLLEGE

 College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two
 thousand hours and try to memorize things.  The two thousand hours
 are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time
 sleeping and trying to get dates.

> Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

     1.  Things you will need to know in later life (two hours).
     2.  Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours).
 These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in
 -ology, -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on.  The idea is, you
 memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books,
 then forget them.  If you fail to forget them, you become a professor
 and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.

 It's very difficult to forget everything.  For example, when I was
 in college, I had to memorize -- don't ask me why -- the names of
 three metaphysical poets other than John Donne.  I have managed
 to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two
 were named Vaughan and Crashaw.  Sometimes, when I'm trying to
 remember something important like whether my wife told me to get
 tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw
 just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket.  It's a
 terrible waste of brain cells.

 After you've been in college for a year or so, you're supposed to
 choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and
 forget the most things about.  Here is a very important piece of
 advice: be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts
 and Right Answers.  This means you must not major in mathematics,
 physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual
 facts.  If, for example, you major in mathematics, you're going to
 wander into class one day and the professor will say: "Define the
 cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and
 extrapolate your result to five significant vertices." If you don't
 come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail.
 The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that
 carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk
 you.  He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the
 other chemists have agreed on.

 Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

 So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy,
 psychology, and sociology -- subjects in which nobody really
 understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve
 virtually no actual facts.  I attended classes in all these
 subjects, so I'll give you a quick overview of each:

 ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have
 read little snippets of just before class.  Here is a tip on how
 to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about
 a book that anybody with any common sense would say.  For example,
 suppose you are studying Moby-Dick.  Anybody with any common sense
 would say that Moby-Dick is a big white whale, since the characters
 in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand
 times.  So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic
 of Ireland.

 Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never
 liked Moby-Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative.
 If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple
 stories, you should major in English.

 PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding
 there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch.  You
 should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.

 PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams.
 Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams.  I once spent an
 entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain
 sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing.  The rat
 learned much faster.  My roommate is now a doctor.  If you like
 rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should
 major in psychology.

 SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and
 away the number one subject.  I sat through hundreds of hours of
 sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never
 once heard or read a coherent statement.  This is because
 sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most
 of their time translating simple, obvious observations into
 scientific-sounding code.  If you plan to major in sociology,
 you'll have to learn to do the same thing.  For example, suppose
 you have observed that children cry when they fall down.  You
 should write: "Methodological observation of the sociometrical
 behavior tendencies of prematurated isolates indicates that a
 casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and
 lachrimatory, or 'crying,' behavior forms." If you can keep this
 up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get a large government grant.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Feb 1997 16:48:20 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT...<NOT OFFENSIVE>

YOU MIGHT BE A COLLEGE STUDENT......

 1. If you have ever price shopped for Top Ramen.
 2. If you live in a house with three couches, none of which match.
 3. If you consider Mac and Cheese a balanced meal.
 4. If you have ever written a check for 45 cents.
 5. If you have a fine collection of domestic beer bottles.
 6. If you have ever seen two consecutive sunrises without sleeping.
 7. If your glass set is composed of McDonald's Extra Value Meal Plastic
    Cups (ie. Olympic  Dream Team I or II).
 8. If your underwear supply dictates the time between laundry loads.
 9. If you cannot remember when you last washed your car.
10. If you can pack your worldly possesions into the back of a pick-up
    (one trip).
11. If you have ever had to justify yourself for buying Natural Light.
12. If the first thing you do in the morning is roll over and introduce
    yourself.
13. If your bed time is no longer 10:00 PM, but 3:00 AM.
14. If you consider pizza one of the four major food groups.
15. If you consider the other three to be beer, McDonalds, and candy.
16. If you've ever missed a class to watch Ricki Lake.
17. Or play Warcraft.
18. If you've ever sent e-mail to the people you live with.
19. If you refer to your meal card as "plastic".
20. If you've ever spent a good hour searching for your student I.D.
    just so you could get that one dollar off at the movies.
21. If you've ever stayed up all night just so you wouldn't sleep
     through your morning class.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Feb 1997 18:20:59 EST
From:    Elvis Was Here <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: 3 Quickies <adult>

What is the difference between having sex in the 69 position and driving
in the fog?  At least in sex, you can see the asshole in front of you!

What does a cannibal call his ex-girlfriend after he dumps her?  Shit.

How do you get a dog to stop humping your leg?  Suck it's dick.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Feb 1997 17:09:28 +0800
From:    Hakan Kiyici <9220303@TALABAH.IIU.MY>
Subject: Trainee Preacher! <offensive>

In a Christian religious school, term reaches nearly to end. So each
student should give speech in a Church on Sunday. However, one of the
students gets quite nervous and anxious about his weekend preaching. On
the day of preaching, an hour before preaching, he asks for some pieces
of advice from the Father. The Father gives him some friendly advice:
- Son, best thing you can do is to get some whisky so that it can calm
  you down.
Young Preacher heeds the advice. Goes to a pub and gets two cups of
drinks. WHen he realized that he is still nervous, he keeps drinking more.
After sometimes he gets really drunken. Goes to the church. and Preach.
After the congregation, asks the father about his mistakes on his
preaching in order to improve on; The father says:
- Well, son you had three little mistakes tthat you have committed.
- Please , father tell me about them.
- Well, son  firstly, after you finish prayer, you should not say O.K.,
  rather you should say "amen"
  secondly, when you finish preaching you should not thumble down
  all over the steps, rather you should get down step by step
  and lastly, Jesus is not son of bitch, he is son of God.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Feb 1997 19:58:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: No new jokes

President William Jefferson Clinton and Vice President Al "Macarena" Gore
jointly announced that a major crisis has arisen on the Internet. The
National Bureau of Standards and the Federal Reserve Board have calculated
that all jokes and parodies that can be developed, have already been
released, and there is no more new humor available for Internet circulation.

Bill Gates, 2nd most powerful American, announced that Microsoft would be
recirculating all old jokes from their corporate repository. "We had
intended to issue this as a 'Microhumor' CD, Mr. Gates announced, but in
view of this national crisis, we are recirculating these old chestnuts in
the hope that they will amuse once again. Microsoft will ensure that each
joke is rated according to age suitability.

President Clinton praised the generosity of Mr. Gates and said that "decent
Americans everywhere will pray silently that new humor can be developed
soon, and spread over the Net. In the meantime, as we have always done in
time of crisis, the Federal government will work diligently to avoid a
humor gap."

Senate Majority Leader Newt Gingrich observed that this was the sort of
thing that the Democrat party always did: use up all resources without
knowing how to replace them. He observed that a strong national defense was
even more important at such times.

Long time Senator Strom Thurmond asked "What's the Internet, son?"

[Editor's note: perhaps you have noticed that you are seeing the same
jokes, over and over... now you know why.]


---
Our Father, UART in heaven, I/O be Thy name.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 19 Feb 1997 00:31:44 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Spoiled rotten <adult , sexual , suggestive>

A father takes his boy to the zoo one day , and soon they arive
at the elephant cages. "Dad, dad, what's that hanging on the
elephant?" asks the son.
DAD: "That's his trunk , son."
SON: "No dad , that thing on the other end."
DAD: "Thats his tail."
SON: "Not that , the thing between his legs."
DAD: "Oh , that's his penis."
SON: "Last time we were here mommy said it was nothing."
DAD: "Well son , you must remember , your mother is a spoiled woman."

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 19 Feb 1997 00:43:30 -0500
From:    CAROL <INFO@ZDW3.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: In the German war camp. <off to Jews and 5/10000

Hitler said.."Jews today we are going to have a race. All jews ending
the race after Hans wil be shot dead. Hans are you ready"

Hans.."whroom whroom"     (ta Hunt)
                    -------------------------------

How do you say "Fuck you" in Jewish ?....

Trust me
                    -------------------------------

What is Jewish foreplay ?.....

2 hours of begging

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 18 Feb 1997 to 19 Feb 1997
************************************************
