HUMOR Digest - 17 Feb 1997 to 18 Feb 1997
There are 11 messages totalling 430 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. The "No Frills" Airline
  2. In the German war camp <off.to Jews and 4/10000 who complain.
  3. Football humor <poss off to Cowboy fans and religion>
  4. The Gunfighter...
  5. The Medusa Complex <mildly risque>
  6. Pistol-Packin' Granny
  7. Job Placement Strategy!
  8. The Masses Are Asses (contains the "f" word)
  9. You know you're not a kid when...
 10. In the German war camp <offensive to jews>
 11. Chicken Crossing the Road

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Feb 1997 03:34:37 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: The "No Frills" Airline

               It was a "no frills" Airline:


... They didn't sell tickets, they sold chances

... All the insurance machines in the terminal were sold out

... Before the flight, the passengers got together and elected a pilot

... If you kiss the wing for luck before boarding, it kisses you back

... You could not board the plane unless you had the exact change

... Before we took off, the stewardess told us to fasten our Velcro

... The Captain asked all the passengers to chip in a little for gas

... When they pulled the steps away, the plane started rocking

... The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway

... You ask the Captain how often their planes crash.  He sez, "Just once"

... No movie.  Didn't need one.  Your life kept flashing before your eyes

... You see a man with a gun, but he's demanding to be let off the plane

... All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ?  Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Feb 1997 04:23:20 -0500
From:    Carol <SKIM@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: In the German war camp <off.to Jews and 4/10000 who complain.

Hitler to the jewish prisoners.

"Jews, today we shall have cooking lessons"
"Last one in ze oven, close ze door...!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Feb 1997 11:00:46 -0600
From:    Richard Linton <rtlinton@FACSTAFF.WISC.EDU>
Subject: Football humor <poss off to Cowboy fans and religion>

        Back in December, John Madden (sports announcer) was in Dallas
covering a Cowboys game.  Prior to the game, John was on the field talking
with the Coach and noticed a telephone, all by itself, on a table covered
by a linen tablecloth, on the sidelines.  John asked the Coach what was so
special about the telephone and the Coach replied, "That is the phone to
God", "Really?", replied John, "May I use it?", "Humm, OK, but leave $50 on
the table", said the Coach.   So John used the phone and left $50 on the
table.

        In December, John was covering the Green Bay game at Lambeau field
in Green Bay.  John was on the field talking with Mike Holmgren, the Coach
of the Green Bay Packers, when John noticed the same phone on the
sidelines.  John asked Mike, "Is that the phone to God?", "......yes..."
replied Mike.  "May.....may I use it?"  asked John. "Humm.......OK" replied
Mike, "but leave a quarter on the table when you are done".  "A quarter???"
asked John, "I was in Dallas a few weeks ago and it cost me $50!!".
"Well...", said Mike, "from here it is a local call".


------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Feb 1997 10:09:00 -0800
From:    "Howard, Dan" <howardd@MS2.AES.COM>
Subject: The Gunfighter...

It's 1860. The decade of gunslingers and gentlemen. This is a true story of
one such young man that wanted more than anything to be the fastest and most
respected gunslinger in the west.

The place was Deadman, Kansas in the Sawdust saloon.  The young man walked
into the Sawdust saloon and to his surprise he saw Bat Masterson sitting at
a table playing poker. The young man
walked up to Bat and said,  "Mr. Masterson, I would like to be a gunslinger
just like you.   Could you give me some tips?"

Bat Masterson put his cards down, looked up at the boy and said, "Son, I
don't usually give out  tips like this cause it could someday be detrimental
to my health, but step back and let me take a look at  you."

The boy stepped back and Mr. Masterson said, "You look good. You're wearing
black, you've got two pearl handled guns with waxed holsters, and you look
like a gunslinger. But what's more important son is, can you shoot?"

The young man, happy to show how good he was, quickly drew his pistol from
his right holster and without aiming shot the cuff link off of the piano
player's right sleeve.

Bat Masterson said, "That's good shooting son, but can you shoot with your
left hand?" Before Masterson could even finish, the boy had already drawn
the pistol from his left holster and shot the cuff link off of the piano
player's left shirt sleeve. Very proud of himself the young man blew the
smoke away from his six shooter and holstered his gun. "How was that?" the
boy asked Masterson.

Bat Masterson smiled and looked up and the boy and said, "That was pretty
good shooting son. I couldn't do much better than that myself, but I do have
one good tip for you." "What's that?" the boy asked. "Well," Masterson said,
"I suggest that you go to the kitchen and ask the cook for a large can of
lard.  Then take both guns of yours and stick them down deep in the lard."

Puzzled the young gunslinger asked Masterson why he should do that.
 Masterson put his cards down for the second time, leaned back in his chair
and said, "Well son, when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano over there,
he's going to take those two guns of yours and stick them right up your
ass!"

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Feb 1997 13:34:04 -0500
From:    Patrick Ash <pash@GRADIENT.CIS.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: The Medusa Complex <mildly risque>

ny, Billy, and Tommy were walking home from school
one warm spring day. As they were cutting through the alleys and
back yards they happenned to look through a hole in the fence of
one of the yards, where a woman was sunbathing in the nude.

As they looked through the hole, suddenly Billy started to scream
and took off running for home. He ran so fast that his 2 friends,
trying to catch him were soon left far behind.

The next day, as they came home again, they found the same
hole in the fence and started to waatch the woman. again, after just
a few minutes, Billy started screaming, and took off like a shot.

On the third day, Johnny and tommy agreed on a plan. They would
be between Billy and home if he started to run, and they would find
out what the problem was. Just as before, Billy could only look
for a few minutes then he started to run for home. This time, Johnny
and Tommy grabbed him and demanded to know what was wrong.
"My mother told me that if I ever looked at a naked woman, I would
n to stone. I started to feel something getting awfully hard ..."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Feb 1997 12:42:27 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: Pistol-Packin' Granny

                 Pistol-packin' granny sends intruders packin'.

 MOSES LAKE, Wash. (AP) --Four intruders forced their way into the home of
Dorothy Cunningham, 75, and Marty Killinger, 61, late one night, struggling
with the women and demanding their car keys.

 They didn't realize they were dealing with a pair the local police chief
called the "pistol-packing grandmas."

 "I was raised in the Tetons, and whenever I wasn't herding sheep or cattle
or working in the fields, I'd take a .22 rifle and target shoot,"Cunningham
said. "I'm not afraid of guns, and I know how to use them."

 A 20-year-old and three teen-agers was arrested on suspicion of burglary
and attempted robbery.

 Cunningham said someone knocked on their door Tuesday night, asking to use
the telephone.

 When she unlocked the door, a man pushed his way in and began demanding
the keys to Killinger's car.

 While Killinger argued and struggled with one of the intruders in the
living room, Cunningham got her Luger from her bedroom and ordered the
young men to head for the hills.

 "I said some strong words to them that I don't usually use," she said. "I
told them to get out or I'd shoot and kill them."

 The young men ran outside but continued taunting the two women -- until
Cunningham fired four shots over their heads.

Copywright by Associated Press

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Feb 1997 13:51:53 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Job Placement Strategy!

 Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting
 people to jobs?  Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job
 placement.

 Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them
 in  a room with only a table and two chairs.  Leave them alone for two
 hours, without any instruction.  At the end of that time, go back and
 see what they are doing.

 If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in
    Engineering.
 If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
 If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to
    Manufacturing.
 If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
 If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
 If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.
 If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to
    Security.
 If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to
    Marketing.

         And if they've left early, put them in Purchasing.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Feb 1997 16:23:57 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: The Masses Are Asses (contains the "f" word)

                   Don't eat while reading this.

 - A 28-year old male was brought into the ER after an attempted
   suicide.  The man had swallowed several nitroglycerin pills and a
   fifth of vodka.  When asked about the bruises about his head and
   chest he said that they were from him ramming himself into the wall in
   an attempt to make the nitroglycerin explode.

 - A 50-year old woman came into the ER with a complaint of mild
   abdominal pain.  During a pelvic exam the doctor found that the lady
   had inserted a whole chicken piece by piece into her vagina and then
   safety-pinned her labia shut.  Unable to have children she was hoping
   that the chicken would turn into a baby.

 - A man in his mid-fifties did a Loraina Bobbit on him self in a
   drunken rage and ended up in the ER.  The urologist thought that he
   could reattach the mans genitalia if it could be recovered and if it
   was in good condition.  The police were dispatched to the man's house
   and the search was on.  During the search one of the officers heard a
   choking sound coming from the mans poodle that was sitting in the
   corner.  After a brief fight the officer was able to retrieve the mans
   jewels from the dogs mouth.  After inspection of the parts by the
   urologist it was decided that the man would need to be taught to pee
   while sitting (if you know what I mean) The officer was given a
   commendation from his precinct for medical assistance.

 - A woman with shortness on breath and who weighted approximately
   500 lbs was dragged into the ER on a tarp by six firemen.  While
   trying to undress the lady an asthma inhaler fell out of one of the
   folds under her arm.  After an X-ray showed a round mass on the left
   side of her chest her massive left breast was lifted to find a shiny
   new dime.  And last but not least during a pelvic exam a TV remote
   control was discovered in on of the folds of her crotch. She became
   known as "The Human Couch".

 - A doctor who spoke limited Spanish was rushed to a car in the ER
   parking lot to find a Spanish woman in the process of giving birth.
   Wanting to tell the woman to push he started yelling: "Puta! Puta!
   Puta!" at this the grandmother started to cry and the baby's father
   had to be restrained.  What the doctor should have been saying was:
   "Puja!" (Push!)  Instead he was saying:"Whore! Whore! Whore!"

 - A 40-year old man and his wife were playing with some vegetables
   when a cucumber became lodged in his rectum.  Unable to get it out on
   his own he showed up at the ER for some assistance. All he was given
   was some pain pills and KY jelly and told to wait and he would
   eventually poop it out.  On his way out one of the nurses yelled "Come
   on back this afternoon.  Were having a Butt-luck supper". (How
   embarrassing is that!)

 - An unconscious 36-year old male was brought to the ER with cocaine
   induced seizures.  As a nurse pulled back his foreskin to insert a
   catheter (a tube passed through the urethra and into the bladder) a
   neatly folded twenty dollar bill fell out of the foreskin fold.  When
   the man woke up and demanded to leave the nurse gave him back his
   belongings and told him where she had found the money.  His response:
   "It was a fifty, bitch!"

 - An elderly woman came into the ER complaining: "I got the green vines
   in my virginny" (Interesting).  A pelvic exam verifies that she does
   indeed have a six inch vine growing out of her vagina. Further
   inspection reveals that she has a mass in her vaginal vault. It is
   easily removed and looks very much like a potato. It is indeed a
   potato, the patient said that her uterus was falling out and that she
   "put a potato in there to hold it up" and then forgot about it.

 - The most nonemergent ER visit:  A male adolescent came in at 2 a.m.
   with a complaint of belly button lint.

 - A young female came to the ER with lower abdominal pain. During the
   exam and questioning the female denied being sexually active. The
   doctor gave her a pregnancy test anyway and it came back positive.
   The doctor went back to the young female's room.

   Doctor: "The results of your pregnancy test came back positive.  Are
            you sure you're not sexually active?"
   Patient: "Sexually active? No, sir, I just lay there."
   Doctor: "I see. Well, do you know who the father is?"
   Patient: "No. Who?"

 - A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed
   to the hospital.  After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful
   resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead.  The doctor
   went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter that her mother didn't
   make it. "Didn't make it?  Where could they be?  She left in the
   ambulance forty-five minutes ago!"

 - A 15-year old boy was laying on a stretcher with his mother sitting
   next to him.  The boy was coming down from "crank" (methamphetamine)
   that he had injected into his veins with needles he had been sharing
   with his friends. Concerned about this the doctor asked the boy if
   there was anything he might have been doing that put him at risk for
   AIDS.  The boy thought for a while then said questioningly "I've been
   fucking the dog?"

 - A 19-year old female was asked why she was in the ER. She said that
   she and her boyfriend were having sex and the condom came off and she
   wasn't able to retrieve it with her fingers.  She went to the bathroom
   and "gagged myself to vomit but couldn't vomit it up either."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Feb 1997 17:24:12 EST
From:    "Martha E. Frantz" <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: You know you're not a kid when...

You know you are no longer a kid when...

...Just one peanut butter and jelly sandwich doesn't do it any more.
...Driving a car doesn't always sound like fun.
...The average ten-year-old doesn't have a clue who Bo and Luke Duke are.
...Being bad is no longer cool.
...You have friends who have kids.
...Saturday mornings are for sleeping.
...You are taller than the slide at the McDonald's playland.
...Your parents' jokes are now funny.
...You have once said, "Whatch-you talkin' 'bout Willis?"
...You have owned, and since disowned Michael Jackson's Thriller.
...Two words: parachute pants
...Naps are good.
...Hitting girls is no longer considered flirting.
...You have onced deemed Space Invaders as "The best game ever".
...When things go wrong, you can't just yell, "Do-over!"
...You actually buy scarves, gloves, and sunscreen.
...You leave concerts and ballgames early to beat the crowd.
...You don't want a Camaro becuase of the insurance premiums.
...You've bought an album on vinyl.
...You remember seeing Star Wars when it first came out.
...You look in the surveillance camera monitor at the convenience
store, wonder who that guy is standing at the counter with the
bald spot, and then realize it is a shot of you from behind.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 18 Feb 1997 00:49:00 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: In the German war camp <offensive to jews>

Adding to my friend Carol's joke:

Q: What is the difference between a Jew and a Pizza?

A: A Pizza doesn't scream when you put it in the oven.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 17 Feb 1997 19:30:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Chicken Crossing the Road

Concerning the Chicken Crossing the Road . . . .

John F. Kennedy:

"All of us who have crossed the roads of our lives understand the dangers
of destination and the formidable burdens of flightless fowl.  So let
every chicken know, whether it crosses slowly or quickly, that this
administration supports the struggles of chickens everywhere, and we will
not be content until every hen is the master of its own house.  We all
have roads before us, and so each of us, in our own way, is really
chicken.  And so I say to the chickens of the world,
'Ich bin ein chickie-birden.'"

Lyndon Baines Johnson:

"Ah have known many chickens in mah time.  Some as friends, some as
opponents, still others as dinner.  Many chickens in our great society
have tried to cross the road.  Some have been successful.  Others have
been struck down by beer trucks in the prime of pullethood.  Therefore I,
as your president, ask the American people to rededicate themselves
tonight to the struggles of chickens everywhere.  They have begun their
humble journeys across the road.  Let them continyah."

Pat Buchanan

"We know why the chicken crossed the road, my friends.  Oh, yes we do.  It
crossed the road for the same reason they ALL cross the road: to come to
our country, and eat our dried corn, and peck in our barnyard, and send
their little chicks, mostly born out of wedlock, to our schools.  But the
American people are tired of those chickens, and the peasants have picked
up their pitchforks.  Our message to those chickens is simple, my friends:
'Welcome to the barbecue.'"

Ross Perot

"All right, so say you've got this chicken. He's at Point A on this chart
here, and he's next to some road, which is this line that bisects the
chart from top to bottom.  But the chicken doesn't want to stay at Point
A, no sir.  That's stagnant.  That's the kind of thinking we've had too
long in this country.  That chicken wants to CROSS that road, to go over
here to Point B.  Maybe he wants to open up a business or something, it
doesn't really matter why.  But the point is, he's got to cross that road.
No way around it.  He doesn't need a government handout.  He just needs
somebody to stop the darn traffic for a couple of minutes so he can GET
across.  Are you followin' me so far?"

-=} Randall {=-   randall.woodman@lunatic.com
---
. SPEED 2.00 #1157 . The best defence against logic is stupidity.

----
The Lunatic Fringe * Richardson, TX * 972-235-5288 * Home Of FringeNet

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 17 Feb 1997 to 18 Feb 1997
************************************************
