HUMOR Digest - 16 Feb 1997 to 17 Feb 1997
There are 9 messages totalling 379 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. In the German war camp <offensive to jews>
  2. Files, Sex & Taxes (adult humor)
  3. Humor: Blonde Jokes
  4. If Religion Was Baseball
  5. bumber stickers<not offensive>
  6. In The News - Humorous News Quips
  7. It is deep too!<rude>
  8. The Pig Farmer
  9. Dogstyle <adult , sick humor , off. to woman and dogs>

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Date:    Sun, 16 Feb 1997 02:01:12 -0500
From:    Carol <SKIM@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: In the German war camp <offensive to jews>

On morning Hitler walked into the Concentration camp and said. "Jews,
today we are going to play waterpolo. You jews wear the white shirts
and the crocodiles would wear nothing. If there would be any
injuries during the game all jews are advised to wash themself in the
pirrana infested pond before a medic would treat your injuries.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Feb 1997 04:44:12 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Files, Sex & Taxes (adult humor)

*   The newly divorced woman had never had to be the handyman around
  the house before and quickly discovered she was lacking most of the
  proper tools to do the odd jobs needed.  She made a trip to the local
  hardware store and quickly learned that it was truly a "man's world"
  there.  Thinking that she might be taken advantage of if she let on
  that she was indeed a novice, she made a determined effort to look
  and sound as if she knew what she was doing.  Completing her first
  group of purchases she took them to the clerk at the counter and
  looking behind him she discovered she hadn't bought any files.  She
  pointed to one and said "May I have one of those ?"
    The clerk, unsure of what she was indicating said, "What, one of
  those bastards ?"
    Without a pause, she said, "Yeah !  And ya better give me a few
  of those Son-of-a-Bitches next to 'em too."
                                - - - - -

*    A man comes home early from work and finds his wife and his best
  friend in bed.  The man throws up his hands in disbelief and says,
  "My God Pete !!!  I more-or-less 'have to', but YOU ???"
                                - - - - -

*   Panicked by a letter from the IRS that he's gonna be audited, a man
  calls his accountant.  The accountant tells him not to worry that he
  has all the necessary bills, receipts and records.  But suggested just
  to be on the safe side that the man dress shabbily, so that the auditor
  will think him poor and go easy on him.
    Not convinced, the man calls his lawyer next and explains that he's
  to be audited and what the accountant told him.  The lawyer said that
  he disagreed; the man should dress nice, so that the auditor will see
  he's a respectable person.
    More confused and worried than ever, the man calls his minister and
  tells the story a third time, as well as the advice he's been given.
  The Minister sez, "I have the same problems with marriages.  The Mother
  of the bride wants her to dress like an old fashioned girl.  Naturally,
  the groom wants her to wear something provocative.  I'll tell you the
  same thing I tell the bride.  It doesn't matter much what ya wear, or
  don't wear -- you're gonna get screwed good."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Feb 1997 07:18:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Blonde Jokes

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the
bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."
Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."
Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"


On her way home the blonde drove past sign that said "CLEAN RESTROOMS 8
MILES". By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.


A blonde goes into the drug store to buy some rubbers (so she can
practice safe sex).  She walks up to the pharmacist and asks "How
much for a box of rubbers?"
"They're $1 for a box of 3," he replied, "Plus 6 cents for the tax."
"Oh," said the blonde, "I wondered how they kept them on."


There was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio.
The announcer was telling blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde
was mad enough she turned her radio off. A mile down the road, she saw
another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing. The blonde stopped
her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you that
give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you
what's coming to you!"


A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state
capitals. She proudly said," go ahead, ask me, I know all of them."
A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wisconsin?"
The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."


How do you paralyze a blonde from the neck down?
Marry her!


Why don't blondes believe in having sex over 55?
Because they feel it is best to pull off to
the side of the road.


The blonde's husband confided to his wife that he was
having an affair.  She replied, "Who is catering it?"


What got the blonde bookkeeper in trouble?
She absconded with the accounts Payable.


A homeless blonde was recently seen sitting on a curb, holding a sign.
What did the sign say?
"I'll work for peroxide."

Q:   How do you confuse a blonde?
A:   You don't. They're born that way.

Q:   Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A:   They're too hard to peel.

Q:   How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate
chip cookies?
A:   You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q:   What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A:   Proofreading.

Q:   Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A:   For throwing out the W's.

Q:   Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A:   Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q:   What does "Bones" McCoy say before he performs brain
     surgery on a blonde?
A:   "Space. The final frontier......"

Q:   How does the blonde car pool work?
A:   They all meet at work at 7:45.


---
I don't eat snails.  I prefer fast food.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Feb 1997 14:28:02 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: If Religion Was Baseball

- Calvinists would believe the game is fixed.
- Lutherans believe they can't win, but trust the Scorekeeper.
- Quakers won't swing.
- Unitarians can catch anything.
- Amish would walk a lot.
- Pagans would sacrifice.
- Jehovah's Witnesses would be  thrown out often.
- Televangelists would get caught stealing.
- Episcopalians would pass the plate.
- Evangelicals would make effective pitches.
- Fundamentalists would  balk.
- Mormons would stay in left field.
- Dunkers are down by three.
- Adventists would have a seventh-inning stretch.
- Atheists would refuse to have an Umpire.
- Baptists would like  to play hardball.
- Premillenialists expect the game to be called soon on account of
  darkness.
- The catholics would  claim never to have committed an error.
- Buddhists will blame it on bad karma.
- Palestenians would blame it on the settlers.
- Jews would blame it on anti-semites.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Feb 1997 11:03:08 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: bumber stickers<not offensive>


Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
He who laughs last thinks slowest!
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
More hay, Trigger?" "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.
What is a "free" gift ? Aren't all gifts free?
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.
The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.
I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.
All generalizations are false.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Feb 1997 18:47:59 -0600
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
(plus some from Leno, Staurday Night Live and rec.humor.funny)

WARNING: May be offensive to American government, OJ Simpson, in fact,
black people in general, anyone cashing in on the so called "trial of
the century", Kato, foreign hit men, the Chinese, Newt Gingrich, Tonya
Harding, the Menendez brothers, poor little squirrels, Seattleites, Los
Anglenos, New Yorkers, The Force (the Dark Side), NAACP, Grandmas, and
just about any sensitive person.

President Clinton called for the government to be partners with the
people. I don't mind that so much, but why do we always have to be the
partners who put up the money? (Leno)

OJ Simpson was ordered to pay $25 million in punitive damages. You
know, for that much, he could have hired the Columbian hit men...

The jurors said they concluded that Simpson should not profit from the
murder. Right. That's the job of the lawyers... the jurors... the
witnessess...

The financial implications for OJ are just starting to become clear.
OJ, who only recently embraced the black community, may now have to
move into the black community.

If there's any justice in the world, OJ will end up sleeping on Kato's
couch. (Dennis Miller)

While the American Airlines pilot strike has been delayed for now, the
airline pointed out that it had replaement pilots in case the strike
went forward. Replacement pilots? What's that? "Hi! I'm Ted. I served
your drink like an hour ago. I'm flying now! I'm flying the plane!"
(Leno)

Chinese all over the world have begun celibrating the new year, the
Year of the Ox, although most of us will probably forget and still date
our checks the Year of the Rat. (rec.humor.funny)

If Newt Gingrich pays $300,000 in penalties, he may be able to deduct
it as a business expense. Only in America can you get a tax break for
being a tax cheat.

A new study from Canada indicates that talking on the phone while
driving is as dangerous as drunk driving. If you happen to be drunk and
talking on the phone while driving a Pinto, the risk is astronomical.
Especially if you call a 900 number...

But officer, I swear I only made two calls...

Tonya Harding told police she had been kidnapped, but managed to
escape. You remember Tonya, the honorary Menendez sister.

For the first time in history, reservations are required for visiting
Yosemite. Those hit hardest by the new regulations are the squirrels.
(SNL)

Earthquake faults have been discovered under Seattle. This surprises
most residents, who thought all the shaking was just from too much
caffeine.

See what you get when you bad mouth California?

Prince, the black labrador sentenced to death for killing a rooster,
won a reprieve this week. He still, however, must face the family of
the rooster in a civil suit. (SNL)

A new poll says 40% of the people in Los Angeles know someone who has
been the victim of a violent criminal. The other 60% ARE criminals.

New York City has hired etiquette officers for its subways. I think
it's starting to work. This morning the man who mugged me thanked me.

Star Wars is once again a major box office smash, which is even more
amazing considering it was released 20 years ago and just about
everybody on the planet has seen it more than once. Taco Bell has been
promoting the movie through special advertising tie-ins and toys. I
went there last night, and they had a huge banner that said "Feel The
Force". I'm not sure what they were advertising, but I suspect it was
their bean burrito. (rec.humor.funny)

The NAACP is protesting the portrayal of African Americans as
"buffoonish" in TV sitcoms, especially on Fox, WB and UPN. I have two
words: Al Bundy.

And finally, a Cincinnati grandmother was convicted for feeding
quarters into other people's parking meters. You know, when grandmas
are outlawed, only outlaws will have grandmas.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Feb 1997 18:20:13 +0800
From:    Hakan Kiyici <9220303@TALABAH.IIU.MY>
Subject: It is deep too!<rude>

 Two old friends get drunken in a bar. After drinking a lot they feel
like pissing. They ask bartender for toilet. Bartender tells them :
- there is no any. but you can go down to the river. you can have a
quite natural piss.
Two friends go near by the river and start pissing. One speaks to another
while he is pissing:
-the water of the river is cold here.
another responds:
- it is deep too.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Feb 1997 23:00:04 EST
From:    Elvis Was Here <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Pig Farmer

A man passing an orchard noticed a farmer with a herd of pigs
gathered around his feet.  The farmer was holding a pig up above his
shoulder so it could bite off an apple.  Then, he put the pig down
and raised another, then another. The passerby shouted to the
farmer: "Why don't you just shake the tree and let the apples fall on
the ground?  That would save a lot of time." The farmer responded,
"What do pigs care about time?"

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Date:    Mon, 17 Feb 1997 01:21:05 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Dogstyle <adult , sick humor , off. to woman and dogs>

The lady complained to her docter that the dogstyle is getting
to much for her.
"Why don't you try the conventional style?" the docter asked.
to which she replied : "Because I don't like the dog's breath."

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End of HUMOR Digest - 16 Feb 1997 to 17 Feb 1997
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