HUMOR Digest - 15 Feb 1997 to 16 Feb 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 572 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Adopt a needy Pilot
  2. Wives & Divorce <One Adult Joke>
  3. Quotes part 85 (after a very long pause)
  4. Valentine's Day (foul language)
  5. NOTICE
  6. Humor: Points to Ponder
  7. Third World Encounter (Not offensive)
  8. breasts<may be offensive to women>
  9. Riding the Western Trailer (suggestive)
 10. Keys (adult)
 11. Size? ( May be offesive to some deprived persons)
 12. It's A Wacky World
 13. Dissapointment.....<adult , sexual theme>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Feb 1997 07:35:56 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Adopt a needy Pilot

Even though Clinton has averted the strike for a while but there is
still time for us to show the world just how can we help them.
---- ---- -- ------
It's just not right.  Thousands of pilots in our very own country are
living at or just below the six figure salary line.  And if that wasn't
bad  enough, many of them may  go several weeks or months without a
paycheck if  they are forced by American Airlines management to strike.

But now you can help.  For about three hundred dollars a day ~ that's
less than the price of a 25" television set ~ you can help keep a pilot
economically viable during their time of need.

Three hundred dollars a day may not seem like a lot of money to you,
but to a pilot, it could mean the difference between a vacation fishing
in Florida or a Mediterranean cruise.

For you, three hundred dollars is nothing more than half a month's rent
or mortgage payment.  But to a pilot, three hundred dollars a day will
almost  replace his or her salary.

Three hundred dollars a day will enable a pilot to upgrade his or her
home  computer, buy that new 100" television set, trade in the 6 month
old Lexus for a Ferrari, or enjoy a dinner (with champagne) at The
Mansion.

"HOW WILL I KNOW I"M HELPING?"

Each month, you will receive a complete  financial report on the crew
member you sponsor.  Detailed information about his or her stocks,
bonds,  401K and real-estate holdings will be mailed to your home.  You
will be able to watch your pilot's net worth grow.  You'll also get
information on how they chose to invest their 1.2 million dollar
lump sum they get upon their retirement.

"HOW WIILL THEY KNOW I'M HELPING?"

Your pilot will be told that he or she has a SPECIAL FRIEND that just
wants to help. Although the pilot won't know your name, he or
she will be able to make collect calls to your home via a special
operator in case they need more funds.
---------------------------( cut here) ---------------------------------
I want to help!!  In the event of a strike by the APA, I would like to
sponsor the crew member listed below.  I would like to sponsor (circle
your selection/s):

___CAPTAIN                        ___F-100 CREW MEMBER
___AN ENTIRE FLIGHT CREW          ___A300 CREW MEMBER
___FIRST OFFICER                  ___SUPER-80 CREW MEMBER
___NAVIGATOR                      ___727 CREW MEMBER
___767 CREW MEMBER                ___MD-11 CREW MEMBER

___Please apply my donation to the crew member most in need.

Please charge the account listed below $326.25 per day (or  $350.29 for
MD-11 crew members) for the duration of the strike.  Please send  me a
picture of the crew member I have sponsored, along with a set of "wings"
and my very own "new" red S.C.O.P.E. badge (while supplies last)

<> Mastercard   <> Visa   <> American Express    <> Diner's Club   <>
AAsset Card   <> Discover Card
Your name: ---------------------------    Telephone Number: --------
Account Number:_______________________   Expiration  Date: ____
Signature:______________________________________

       Send Completed Forms to the APA. Or, Enroll By Phone:
(900)555-3188 (Children under 18 must seek their parents approval)

Note: Sponsors agree not to contact the crew member sponsored or their
families in person or by other means including, but not limited to,phone

calls, letters, email, or third parties.  Contributions made are not tax
deductible.  In the event of no strike action taken, sponsors agree to a
one time administration charge of $500.00 to cover administration costs
of this program.

[Note - written by nowaboard@aol.com, originally appeared in a.d.a on
        2/10/97, and reposted here with the author's permission - ed.]

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Feb 1997 03:32:08 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Wives & Divorce <One Adult Joke>

*   There aren't any around any more, but there used to be penny
  scales that not only told you your weight, but produced a lil'
  card with what was supposed to be your "fortune" on it.
    Some years ago, my wife and I were waiting in a drugstore for
  a prescription and she walked over to such a scale.  It gave her
  a small card which read: "You are warm hearted, understanding and
  loving."  She showed it to me and said, "See ???"
    I looked at it, then her, then said, "Yeah !  And the damn thing
  got your weight wrong too."
                                - - - - -

* I have this friend who has a real dilemma.  His wife won't give him
  a divorce until she figures out a way of doing it without making him
  a happy man.
                                - - - - -

*   Speaking of divorce (I was), this woman petitions the court for
  a divorce on the grounds that her husband "beats her."
    The Judge, wanting every detail, before making a decision, asked
  how often it was he beat the woman.
     "Every damn time your Honor," she replied, "Every damn time !"
                                - - - - -

* I know a husband and wife who have separate bedrooms, drive different
  cars, take separate vacations, have their own computers, and even have
  their own ISPs, e-mail addresses and Home Pages.  They say they're doing
  everything they can to keep their together.
                                - - - - -

* With the divorce rate so high in America, a new organization has been
  formed called "Marriage Anonymous."  Whenever a guy feels like getting
  married, they send over a woman with big curlers in her hair, cream all
  over her face, wearing a torn housecoat and 15" bedroom slippers to nag
  him out of it.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Feb 1997 11:46:13 CET
From:    Piotr PLebaniak <PLEBAN@PLEARN.EDU.PL>
Subject: Quotes part 85 (after a very long pause)

TO GET THE WHOLE LIST OF QUOTES YOU CAN USE FTP COMMAND.
THE SITE IS VENUS.CI.UW.EDU.PL, AND DIR  /pub/wisdom

#Every program has at least one bug and can be shortened by
    at least one instruction -- from which, by induction, one can
    deduce that every program can be reduced to one instruction
    which doesn't work.
#Show respect for age. Drink good Scotch for a change.
#Fresco's Discovery:
    If you knew what you were doing you'd probably be bored.
#There's only one way to have a happy marriage and as soon as
    I learn what it is I'll get married again.
    Clint Eastwood
#Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't. The label
   means the price went up. The label "ALL NEW", "COMPLETELY
   NEW", or "GREAT NEW" means the price went way up.
#Miss, n.:
    A title with which we brand unmarried women to indicate that
    they are in the market.
    Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
#"The voters have spoken, the bastards ..."
#Self Test for Paranoia:
   You know you have it when you can't think of anything
   that's your own fault.
#"Not only is this incomprehensible, but the ink is ugly and
   the paper is from the wrong kind of tree."
   Profesoor W.
#Easiest Color to Solve on a Rubik's Cube:
   Black. Simply remove all the little colored stickers on the
   cube, and each of side of the cube will now be the
   original color of the plastic underneath -- black. According
   to the instructions, this means the puzzle is solved.
   Steve Rubenstein
#"Matrimony isn't a word, it's a sentence."
#In our civilization, and under our republican form of
   government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is
   rewarded by exemption from the cares of office.
   Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary"
#Menu, n.:
    A list of dishes which the restaurant has just run out of.
#Ingrate, n.:
    A man who bites the hand that feeds him, and then
    complains of indigestion.
#Underlying Principle of Socio-Genetics:
    Superiority is recessive.
#It's a damn poor mind that can only think of one way to
   spell a word.
    Andrew Jackson
#You never know how many friends you have until you rent a
   house on the beach.
#To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and, whatever
    you hit, call it the target.
#United Nations, New York, December 25. The peace and joy of
   the Christmas season was marred by a proclamation of a
   general strike of all the military forces of the world. Panic
   reigns in the hearts of all the patriots of every persuasion.
   Meanwhile, fears of universal disaster sank to an all-time
   low over the world.
    Isaac Asimov
#Honk if you love peace and quiet.
#The cow is nothing but a machine with makes grass fit for us
 people to eat.
John McNulty
#Experience is what you get when you were expecting something else.
#Ask not for whom the telephone bell tolls ... if thou art in
    the bathtub, it tolls for thee.
#Broad-mindedness, n.:
    The result of flattening high-mindedness out.
#BULLWINKLE: "You just leave that to my pal. He's the brains
    of the outfit."
    GENERAL: "What does that make YOU?"
    BULLWINKLE: "What else? An executive..."
    Jay Ward

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Feb 1997 04:36:25 -0800
From:    Jack Kolb <KOLB@UCLA.EDU>
Subject: Valentine's Day (foul language)

[forwarded from JokeMaster <jokester@bridge.net>]

               Fuck Valentines Day

   Hearts and roses and kisses galore...
    What the hell is all that shit for?
   People get mushy and start acting queer
    It is definitely the most annoying day of the year.

   This day needs to get the hell over with and pass
    Before I shove a dozen roses up Cupid's ass.
   I'll spend the day so drunk I can't speak
    And wear all black for the rest of the week.

   Guys act all sweet, but it soon will fade
    For all they are doing is trying to get laid.
   The arrow Cupid shot at me must not have hit
    Because I think love is a crock of shit.

   So here's my story...what else can I say?
    Love bites my ass...Fuck Valentines Day!


Thanks Elizabeth Boutt
  College of Arts and Sciences,
  University of Dayton

Jack Kolb; Dept. of English, UCLA
kolb@ucla.edu

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Feb 1997 07:51:50 -0500
From:    Carol <SKIM@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: NOTICE

A notice on the wall in a sex therapist office reads.

Its not the size that counts,
its how many times you can make it rise.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Feb 1997 07:51:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Points to Ponder

Some Soul-Searching Showbiz Questions
By Timothy M. Gray

HOLLYWOOD (Variety) - There are eternal questions that may never be
answered: What is reality? What is the meaning of life? Why was I born?
When was the last time Lauren Bacall went to a supermarket? What kind of
people would allow their marriage ceremony to be performed on Live With
Regis & Kathie Lee? We'll wait a moment while you ponder those
questions.

I know, the fifth one was the hardest. Then are you ready for some more?
OK, get out a clean sheet of paper and a No. 2 pencil, and answer the
following.

Since A Streetcar Named Desire, The Moon Is Blue, Lady in a Cage and
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf? were once considered shocking and
scandalous, does that mean American Movie Classics may one day be airing
Showgirls and Natural Born Killers?

If the writers and director of the Oscarcast can win an Emmy for their
work, what can the writers and director of the Emmys win?

Sometimes, when you're really tired, do you ever get Lori Loughlin,
Laura Linney and Laura Leighton mixed up?

When some studio exec suggests to a director that a two-hour, 15-minute
film could be trimmed, isn't the director aware the executive may have a
point?

Since the Oakland school board wants Ebonics considered a separate
language, does that mean that the Hughes brothers' movies someday could
qualify for the Oscar as best foreign-language film?

Could Jackie Mason be considered a foreign language?

Does Connie Stevens sell makeup on Home Shopping Network 24 hours a day,
or does it just seem that way?

A few years ago, did anyone ever imagine that Clash of the Titans, The
Adventures of Baron Munchausen and Leap of Faith would one day become
the most-aired movies on cable?

Since Sharon Lawrence has her own sitcom, appears on NYPD Blue and is at
every premiere, when does she have time to sleep?

Why do so many Oscar-nominated movies -- Evita, Jerry Maguire, Hamlet,
Emma, Michael Collins, The People vs. Larry Flynt, Marvin's Room -- have
somebody's name in the title?

Did you ever think you'd live long enough to see a multiple-Oscar
nominee named Billy Bob?

Remember when you used to see someone sitting outside their office
building and you assumed they were soaking up the fresh air, but now you
assume they're there to smoke?

Since the Jewish songwriter Irving Berlin wrote Easter Parade and White
Christmas, isn't it only polite that some goy composer should come up
with at least one standard about Hanukkah and Rosh Hashanah?

Now that Mel Gibson is a star, why don't they release Mad Max with the
original Australian dialogue to cable and home video?

Are Real World and Road Rules on MTV 24 hours a day, or does it just
seem that way?

Why wasn't George Clooney the sexiest man alive when he was in his four
previous TV series?

Sometimes, when you're really tired, do you ever get Dylan Baker, Dylan
Walsh, Dylan McDermott and Dermot Mulroney mixed up?

Since the invention of remote controls, why are lead-in series still
important on TV?

Why does everyone always speculate on what Shakespeare would be doing if
he were alive today, but no one ever wonders about Chekhov or Moliere or
Euripides?

Why is everyone always so sure about what Walt Disney would disapprove
of if he were alive today, but nobody wonders about Harry Cohn, Jack
Warner or Louis B. Mayer?

Sometimes, when you're really tired, do you ever get Rene Russo, Andie
MacDowell and Jeanne Tripplehorn mixed up?

Is Talk Soup on 24 hours a day on E!, or does it just seem that way?

That new guy who hosts Talk Soup is not expecting to get a lead role in
a Sydney Pollack movie, is he?

When post office workers go postal and shoot co-workers, exactly what do
they have to put up with that showbiz employees don't?

---
Sorry... were the voices in my head bothering you?

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 16 Jan 1997 12:18:21 PST
From:    "Katherine E. Cauthen" <katiec@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Third World Encounter (Not offensive)

 A boy and his father visiting from a third world country were
 at a mall.  They were amazed by almost everything they
 saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could
 move apart and back together again.
       The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?".  The
 father responded, "Son I have never seen anything like this
 in my life, I don't know what it is!".
       While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed,
 an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and
 pressed a button.  The walls opened and the lady rolled
 between them into a small room.  The walls closed and the
 boy and his father watched small circles of lights with
 numbers above the walls light up.  They continued to watch
 the circles light up in the reverse direction.  The walls
 opened up again and a voluptuous 24-year old woman
 stepped out.
      The father said to his son, "Go get your mother".

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Feb 1997 13:40:39 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: breasts<may be offensive to women>

A guy named Chris goes over to his friend's house, rings
the bell, and the wife answers.
"Hi is Tony home?"
"No he went to the store."
"Well, you mind if I wait?"
"No come in."
They sit down and Chris says, "You know Betsy, you have
the greatest looking breasts I have ever seen.  I'd give you a
hundred bucks if I could just see one."
Betsy thinks about this for a second and says to her self,
what the hell - a hundred bucks!  My husband sees it all the
time for free!  So she opens her robe and shows one.  Chris
promptly thanks her and throws a 100 bucks on the table.
They sit there a while longer and Chris says, "They are
soooo beautiful, I've got to see both of them.   I'll give you
another 100 bucks if I could just see both of them together."
Betsy thinks about this again and says what the hell,
opens her robe and gives Chris a nice long look.  Chris
thanks her and throws another 100 bucks on the table then
says he can't wait any longer for Tony and leaves.
A while later Tony arrives home and his wife says, "You
know, your weird friend Chris came over."
Tony promptly asks, "Well, did he drop off the 200 bucks
he owes me?"

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Feb 1997 12:32:53 -0800
From:    "Michael J. Irvin (208/882-1431)" <irvinmj@WSU.EDU>
Subject: Riding the Western Trailer (suggestive)

Q: Why do all cowboys have the same size balls?

A: So they can pull each others' horse trailers.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Feb 1997 18:39:11 -0500
From:    Jenny Xu <Jenny518@AOL.COM>
Subject: Keys (adult)

3 girls died and was brought to the gates of heaven.   Upon entering the
gate, they were halted by St. Peter and his obedient angel.

St. Peter asked the girls, "Before entering you must answer this simple
question."

"Which is ...?", they replied in unison.

"Have you been a good girl ?", he asked the first girl.

"Oh yes", she said.   "I was a virgin before I got married and was still
virgin even after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter.   "Angel, give this girl... the golden key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the second girl.

"Oh, quite good", she said. "I was a virgin before I got married but was not
after I got married."

"Very good", said St. Peter.   "Angel, give this girl... the silver key."

"Have you been a good girl?", he asked the third girl.

"Oh no, not at all", she said.   "I practically have sex with every guy I met
before and after I got married. Anywhere, anytime".

"Very good", said St. Peter.   "Angel, give this girl.........my room key."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 16 Feb 1997 00:29:52 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Size? ( May be offesive to some deprived persons)

This is from another list:
               ____________________
 King Size:    |__|________________||~~
               __________________
 Queen Size:   |__|______________||~~
               _____________
 Circum Size:  |__|_______\_)

circumcision = genital mutilation

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Feb 1997 19:14:21 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

                     World gets 2.9 percent weirder in 1996

  LONDON (Reuter) -- Pre-Millennial Tension may be the reason behind a
world-wide increase in weird and unexplained happenings, according to a
British journal of strange phenomena.

 The annual Fortean Times index, published Thursday, said the world was 2.9
percent weirder in 1996 than in 1995.

 The monthly magazine decided the year's weird stories -- including
bloodthirsty goatsuckers and Martian meteorites -- outdid the previous
year's Hindu milk-guzzlers and tree-dwelling sheep.

 "PMT is gripping people," said a spokesman for Fortean Times. "People get
worried near the end of a century, with millennium cults predicting the end
of the world. And that could explain why there is so much interest in the
paranormal."
 The Fortean Times, which started life as photocopied handouts in 1973, now
boasts a circulation of 60,000 readers.

 Its FT Index of Weirdness is divided into four sections -- the Animal
World (up 4.8 percent), the Human World (up 2.9 percent), the Natural World
(up 3.8 percent), and the Paranormal World (up 1 percent).

 The mysterious goatsucker  One of the most popular stories this year
followed rumors of a mysterious Puerto Rican goatsucker, which sprang up
after goat corpses were discovered with the liver and blood sucked out of
them. The only clue to the killer's identity was two small but deep
incisions in the animals' necks.

 The first case was reported in Puerto Rico in early 1996, but similar
corpses were soon discovered in other Latin American countries, Miami and
even in the south of Spain. Rabbits as well as goats fell prey to the
killer, which has never been sighted.

 Another big story of 1996 was the discovery by U.S. astronomers of what
they said might have been the fossilized remains of bacteria inside a
16-million-year-old meteorite. This sparked widespread speculation about
the possibility of life on Mars.

 Other stories focused on sightings of big cats and water monsters, weeping
statues, strange cults and UFOs.

 The 2.9 percent increase in the Human World index was due to "increases in
strange behavior, cults and conspiracies, and ineptitude and stupidity,"
the magazine said.

 McNally said the high level of interest in weird goings-on was reflected
in the success of films like "Independence Day" and television's "The
X-Files."

 Copyright 1997 Reuters Limited. All rights reserved.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Feb 1997 23:34:31 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Dissapointment.....<adult , sexual theme>

Rastus went to the knock-shop to get a bit of "you know what".
The owner of the knock-shop knew that Rastus is not very bright
so she sent him to room 3 where there lies only a blow-up doll.
On entering room 3 Rastus see the blow-up doll but not being very
bright he just went straight to bussiness. A while later Rastus came
down the stairs and the owner asked him if he had a good time.
"Yes" , he says "untill I gave her a love-bite , she gave one big
fart and flew out the window."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 15 Feb 1997 to 16 Feb 1997
************************************************
