HUMOR Digest - 14 Feb 1997 to 15 Feb 1997
There are 15 messages totalling 750 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Valentine's Day
  2. Lightbulb Jokes(off. to Microsoft employees)
  3. religion/computers <religion humor but unlikely to offend>
  4. bumper stickers <suggestive>
  5. The New Salesman
  6. shaggy-dog stories
  7. Life's like that!
  8. Future Career
  9. The Job Security Quiz
 10. Packing Slip (non-offensive)
 11. confession(dirty,offensive to priests)
 12. Job Applicant
 13. IF COLLEGE STUDENTS HAD WRITTEN THE BIBLE
 14. A Vegetarian "Monster"
 15. What is worse ...... <adult, sexual theme>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 03:36:26 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Valentine's Day

* I just love to do special things for my wife on Valentine's day
  Like open the door for her when she puts all the laundry in the
  washing machine, or plug and unplug the vacuum as she moves from
  room to room cleaning.  Guys, it's these little thoughtful things
  ya can do to have a marriage such as mine.
                                - - - - -

* I remember one Valentine's Day I had to be away on a business trip.
  I wired flowers for my lovely wife, but she found the fuse.
                                - - - - -

* Last year my wife sent me this card that said:
                "Take my heart"
                "Take my soul"
      I mean, isn't that just like a woman ?
      Saving all the best parts for herself.
                                - - - - -

* Valentine's Day is when a lot of married men are reminded what a
  poor shot Cupid really is.
                                - - - - -

* One of my neighbors sure learned a lesson last year on Valentine's
  Day.  He gave this card to his wife extolling her virtues, beauty,
  and charm; said how lucky he was to have her; that he didn't deserve
  such a good woman.  Seems the more she thought about it, the more
  she agreed with him.  She left him before the end of the month.
                                - - - - -

* Last year my wife said all she wanted for Valentine's Day was "the
  card."  I picked out a real expensive one & thought the matter closed.
  She got mad with me anyway.  Turns out the card she wanted was her own
  Visa Platinum.  How in the hell am I supposed to know it's referred to
  as "_The_ Card ???"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 07:03:47 -0600
From:    Jim Grisham <amismash@MAIL.ISBE.STATE.IL.US>
Subject: Lightbulb Jokes(off. to Microsoft employees)

Q: How many MicroSoft tech support people dies it take to change a
   light bulb?

A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be
   working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay.
   Now exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be 4 or 5 things
   wrong...have you tried the light switch?
--------------

Q: How many MicroSoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a
   faucet.
--------------

Q: How many MicroSoft vice presidents does it take to change a light
   bulb?

A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that MicroSoft
   gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.
--------------

Q: How many MicroSoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change
   the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous
   test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix.
--------------

Q: How many MicroSoft shipping department personnel does it take to
   change a light bulb?

A: We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days. If you call
   before 2 PM, and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed
   overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand
   corner of the light bulb box.
--------------

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?

A: One. But they'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it
   would be for a Mac user.
--------------

Q: How many MicroSoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs
   burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to
   make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.
-------------

Q: How many MicroSoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new
   industry standard.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 09:03:48 -0500
From:    Cyn MacGregor <CynMacG@AOL.COM>
Subject: religion/computers <religion humor but unlikely to offend>

Riddle: How do we know Jesus was a computer user?

Answer: Because everyone knows Jesus Saves.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 16:54:00 UT+0200
From:    Lize Lubbe <Lize.Lubbe@LUBBE.DYNAGEN.CO.ZA>
Subject: bumper stickers <suggestive>

A friend saw this bumper sticker in Cape Town - an appropriate one
Valentine's Day:

It's not how deep you fish that matters
It's how you wiggle your worm

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 11:30:34 -0500
From:    Joel Rosner <jhr18@COLUMBIA.EDU>
Subject: The New Salesman

>From Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>'s list
----------------------------------------------------------------

A keen country lad dressed up in his only Sunday-go-to-meetin' suit, took
the bus into the Big City and applied for a salesman's job at the big city
department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the entire world --
you could literally buy *anything* there. "So tell me," the boss asked him,
"have you ever been a salesman before?"

"Sure have," said the lad, "I was the best salesman in the county back
home!" The boss liked the cut of him and said, "Well, OK: you can start
tomorrow and I'll come and see you when we close up the store."

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 PM came
around, and the boss came by and asked him: "Well, how many sales did you
make today, young man?"

"Oh, just one," said the young salesman.

"Only ONE?" blurted his boss. "Most of my staff can make 20 or 30 sales
a day! OK, OK, so how much was the sale worth?"

"Well, lessee, all told that would be three hundred twenty-four thousand,
three hundred and thirty four dollars and sixty-seven cents," said the
young fellow, smiling broadly.

"How in hell you manage THAT?!" asked his flabbergasted boss as soon as he
could pick himself up off the floor.

"Waaaall", said the salesman, "this ritzy-lookin' feller came in and I
sold him a small fishhook, y'see, and then he needed a medium-sized hook
too, and finally we decided he needed a really large hook on top of those.
Then, I sold him a small fishin' line, and a medium one and a pure-dee
huge-mongous big'un! I asked him where he was goin' fishin' and he said
"down the coast." I said he'd probably be needin' a boat too, so I took
him down to the boat department and sold him that-thar twenty-foot
schooner y'all ain't been able to sell for nigh-on two years... y'know
the big'un with the twin engines? Waall, then the poor feller says his
Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull the whole kit-n-kaboodle, so
I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser with
a tow-hook on the rear. He was plum-happy!"

"Wait..." said the boss as he took two steps back and stared at the lad in
astonishment, "you sold all that to a guy who came in for a FISHHOOK?!?"

"Waaalll, naw, not 'zactly," answered the salesman, "y'see, he came in to
buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said to him, "Hey pal, you and I
both know your weekend's screwed, so you may as well go fishin', right?"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 11:34:51 CST6CDT5,M4.1.0,M10.5.0
From:    Bob Terry <raterry@SAUMAG.EDU>
Subject: shaggy-dog stories

        Shaggy-dog stories originally were merely long, pointless
stories.  Eventually they became long stories in which the conclusion
was a pun.

        The original shaggy-dog story--from which the genre derives
its name--involves the little boy who enters his dog in the local
shaggy-dog contest.  The first judge says, "Myyyy, what a shaggy
dog!"  The second says, "Ooooh, what a shaggy dog!"  And the third
says "Graaaacious, what a shaaaaggy dog!"  Similar occurrence at the
county, the district, the state, the regional, national, and hemispheric
shaggy-dog contests, with identical judicial comments, embellished
with gusto [and perhaps picante sauce, if you have some handy].  However,
at the world shaggy-dog contest, the third judge says [say this with
flat intonation], "I don't think that's such a shaggy dog."

        Pointless, right?

        But shaggy-dog stories developed into vehicles for bad
puns.  Or should I say "good" puns?  Difficult to say, since the
better a pun is, the louder the audience groans.  What follows is a
more modern shaggy-dog tale.  I shall give it in abbreviated form;
when you inflict it upon others, you should stretch it out till their
patience is thin.

        Captain Zukov and his crew have just landed on the dark
planet "X."  Nothing can be seen from the ship's window; their
searchlight cannot penetrate the impenetrable blackness (that's why
they called it "impenetrable blackness.").  So they decide to send
out an exploration party.  The first five men go out the hatch,
down the ladder, and immediately lose communicator contact.  After
a while, a second party are dispatched.  Etc.  Finally, only
Captain Zukhov is left.  Determined to rescue his crew, he also
exits the hatch and descends the ladder.  When he gets to the
bottom he is immediately engulfed by warm, black, fur-covered
creatures and loses consciousness.

        When he awakes, he is in a brightly-lighted laboratory, strapped
to a gurney.  His men are across the room, guarded by black, fur-covered
creatures, each with a single hand growing from the top of its head,
each hand clasping a dangerous-looking spear.

        A door opens, and another black, fur-covered creature
enters.  It also has a single hand growing from the top of its
head; but, instead of a spear, this one wields a large hypodermic
needle, filled with multicolored gasses.  Closer and closer it
comes, then bends to inject the gasses into Captain Zukhov.

        But at that moment Captain Zukhov begins laughing
uncontrollable.  The creature shrinks backward.  And Captain Zukhov
chuckles, "Don't worry, men.  It's just a furry with a syringe on
top!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 13:10:08 -0500
From:    Sanjeev Neve - India <sneve@FARM2.CV.COM>
Subject: Life's like that!

        It is a very old story. It was summer of 91 and I had
        come home from  my college during  the vacations. The
        joy of meeting  my mother and sister was overwhelming.

        My mother also was very  happy to see me back home and
        we had a  very  nice time. It  was then that I took up
        my first  job. It  wasn't very much to boast about but
        then it was  my first job. Well...I was selling packed
        dehydrated  grams.  The month whizzed past with  great
        enthusiasm  and  then  came the  day of my salary...My
        salary though wasn't  much to  be talked about, it was
        my first earning and so I was  yearning to spend it on
        something I could remember for ever.

        So I kept some amount from it in  front of my father's
        photograph, bought a wallet which I lost just recently
        during the  trekking expedition and am sure will never
        forget it. Then I bought one gram of gold and saved it
        as a remembrance.  Well, I had spent enough for myself
        and  wanted to buy something for my mother and sister.
        The sensible thing would have been to go along with my
        mother  or  my sister for the shopping,  but it wasn't
        destined to happen that way.

        I  wanted to surprise them and  therefore  went to the
        market alone. I decided that I will buy  some  clothes
        for them. I went to a shop at Laxmi Road, "Jaihind" to
        be precise and  asked the salesman  there to show me a
        saree.  Oh...boy I was  overwhelmed  by the variety of
        the sarees  he had and  was simply not able  to decide
        what to buy. Fortunately a young lady entered the shop
        and came to  my rescue.  I asked her to select a saree
        for me  and she happily agreed.  We got quite friendly
        with each other and she helped me select a saree.  She
        also bought a  saree and  gave it to the  salesman for
        packing.

        In the  meanwhile I had to answer to the nature's call
        and getting directions to the toilet from the salesman
        went to  relieve myself. And that was a grave mistake!
        When I came out the lady was nowhere to be seen. Well,
        she hadn't even given me a chance to thank her. I went
        to the counter and asked for the saree and the bill.

        "Well the lady with you took the sarees and is waiting
        outside" replied the manager "That will be Rs 2450 for
        both the sarees".  And there I stood awe-struck, I did
        not know what to do! Suddenly I rushed outside looking
        for that lady, and as I expected she was nowhere to be
        seen.

        I gave up and sullenly turned towards the shop to give
        the shopkeeper some explanation and face the music. As
        I was  entering  the shop again I  caught a glimpse of
        her in a  passing  autorikshaw.  I ran behind the rick
        like a  mad man and saw the  rick  slowing down at the
        next signal.  And as I  reached the rickshaw which had
        stopped at the signal, my feet caught on  to something
        and I fell on my face just besides the rick.

        All this had caused a lot of commotion on the road. By
        the  time I  was getting up  this lady had seen me and
        tried to escape from the other side of the rick. I saw
        her  leaveng just in  time and dived into the rick and
        caught on  to one of her legs.  It must have been some
        sight for the people passing bye.  The lady was trying
        to run  away and I  lying in the  rickshaw was pulling
        her leg ...just like I am pulling yours now!

                                                     - Sanjeev

        Glossary:

        Saree: A long piece of cloth that women in India drape
               themselves in.
        Jaihind: A famous saree shop in Pune (India)
        Autorikshaw : A three wheeler taxi.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 13:17:02 PST
From:    Brad Smith <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Future Career

An oldish couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents
were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his
future career. They decided to do a small test. They took a ten-dollar
bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put them on the front hall
table, and hid, pretending they're not home. The father's plan was: "If
out son takes the money, he will be a businessman, if he takes the
bible, he will be a priest - but if he takes the bottle of whiskey, I'm
afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So, the parents waited nervously, hiding in the nearby closet. Peeping
through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they
had left. Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the
light, and slid it in his pocket. After that, he took the bible, flicked
through it, and took it. Then, he grabbed the bottle, opened it and took
a whiff, to get assured of the quality. Then he left for his room,
carrying all the three items. The father slapped his forehead, and said:
"Dam! Our son is going to be a politician!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 13:42:00 EST
From:    Jon Bisbey <jonb@NORTEL.CA>
Subject: The Job Security Quiz

Many of us have been there. Something just doesn't click with the new
boss. Or maybe we're just horribly incompetent, or miserably incapable
of performing up to standard.  Whatever the reason, sometimes in our
lives, we've got to calculate the odds of being canned. Take this quiz
and find out you chances of survival in the job world.

------------------------------------------------------------

1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your
desk, you...

 A) Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a
    copy for his kid.
 B) Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that
    everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human
    Resources.
 C) Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've
    finished the level.

2. There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes
with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What
do you do?

 A) Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the
    morale of everyone who's been working with you.
 B) Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary
    increase 50/50 with him.
 C) Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you,
    "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he
    became a laughingstock."

3. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office
   except you, what do you do?

 A) Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
 B) Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine
    and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
 C) Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks
    at the windows, shouting obscenities.

4. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

 A) Listen politely, and then apologize.
 B) Blame someone else.
 C) Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which
    you've written the word "union."

5. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...

 A) Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the
    windshield wiper.
 B) Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it,
    loitering suspiciously.
 C) Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.

6. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth
   birthday party, what do you do?

 A) Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
 B) Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while
    pretending to be you.
 C) Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that
    Kooky is dead.


7. Your boss' gorgeous daughter comes on to you. How do you react?

 A) Tell her that you feel it would be unethical for you to date the
    boss' daughter, but that you would be honored to pay for her to go to
    the movie by herself.
 B) Slip her a mickey, then marry her before she sobers up.
 C) Tell her you would love to go out with her, because you like cheap
    women, but you prefer them to be at least slightly attractive.

8. The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean;  you...

 A) Clean the office while he supervises.
 B) Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you
    supposedly gave the job to.
 C) Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.


SCORING

Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you
because you're a doormat.

Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete
disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the
ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.

Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you
long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 16:51:59 -0800
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Packing Slip (non-offensive)

A newfound friend of mine by the name of Ripley (Believe It Or Not) Hotch, who
happens to be the editor of Communication News, passed along the contents of
an actual packing slip from a company named Bubba's!  Ripley got the packing
slip from Gary Hanauer at GarHan@aol.com, who swears that it's real!

      IMPORTANT!  READ THIS BEFORE USING YOUR NEW DEVICE

 Congratulations! You have purchased an extremely fine device that
 would give you thousands of years of trouble-free service, except that
 you undoubtedly will destroy it via some typical bonehead consumer
 maneuver.  Which is why we ask you to:

 PLEASE FOR GOD'S SAKE READ THIS OWNER'S MANUAL CAREFULLY BEFORE YOU
 UNPACK THE DEVICE.  YOU ALREADY UNPACKED IT, DIDN'T YOU? YOU UNPACKED
 IT AND PLUGGED IT IN AND TURNED IT ON AND FIDDLED WITH THE KNOBS, AND
 NOW YOUR CHILD, THE SAME CHILD WHO ONCE SHOVED A POLISH SAUSAGE INTO
 YOUR VIDEOCASSETTE RECORDER AND SET IT ON "FAST FORWARD", THIS CHILD
 ALSO IS FIDDLING  WITH THE KNOBS, RIGHT?  WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST BREAK
 THESE DEVICES RIGHT AT THE FACTORY BEFORE WE SHIP THEM OUT, YOU KNOW
 THAT?!?

 We're sorry.  We just get a little crazy sometimes because we're
 always getting back "defective" merchandise where it turns out that
 the consumer inadvertently bathed the device in acid for six days.
 So, in writing these instructions, we naturally tend to assume that
 your skull is filled with dead insects, but we mean nothing by it.
 OK?  Now let's talk about:

 1. UNPACKING THE DEVICE

 The device is encased in foam to protect it from the Shipping People,
 who like nothing more than to jab spears into outgoing boxes.

 PLEASE INSPECT THE CONTENTS CAREFULLY FOR GASHES OR IDA MAE BARKER'S
 ENGAGEMENT RING, WHICH SHE LOST LAST WEEK, AND SHE THINKS MAYBE IT WAS
 WHILE SHE WAS PACKING DEVICES.

 Ida Mae really wants that ring back, because it is her only proof of
 engagement, and her fiancee, Stuart, is now seriously considering
 backing out on the whole thing in as much as he had consumed most of a
 bottle of Jim Beam in Quality Control when he decided to pop the
 question.  It is not without irony that Ida Mae's last name is
 "Barker", if you get our drift.

 WARNING: DO NOT EVER AS LONG AS YOU LIVE THROW AWAY THE BOX OR ANY OF
 THE PIECES OF STYROFOAM, EVEN THE LITTLE ONES SHAPED LIKE PEANUTS.

 If you attempt to return the device to the store, and you are missing
 one single peanut, the store personnel will laugh in the chilling
 manner exhibited by Joseph Stalin just after he enslaved Eastern
 Europe.

 Besides the device, the box should contain:

 * Eight little rectangular snippets of paper that say "WARNING"
 * A little plastic packet containing four 5/17 inch pilfer grommets
   and two club-ended 6/93 inch boxcar prawns.

 YOU WILL NEED TO SUPPLY: a matrix wrench and 60,000 feet of tram cable.
 ------------------------------

 IF ANYTHING IS DAMAGED OR MISSING:  You IMMEDIATELY should turn to
 your spouse and say "Margaret, you know why this country can't make a
 car that can get all the way through the drive-through at Burger King
 without a major transmission overhaul?  Because nobody cares, that's
 why."

 WARNING: This is assuming your spouse's name is Margaret. And not
 Harvey.

 2. PLUGGING IN THE DEVICE

 The plug on this device represents the latest thinking of the
 electrical industry's Plug Mutation Group, which, in a continuing
 effort to prevent consumers from causing hazardous electrical current
 to flow through their appliances, developed the Three-Pronged Plug,
 then the Plug Where One Prong is Bigger Than the Other.  Your device
 is equipped with the revolutionary new Plug Whose Prongs Consist of
 Six Small Religious Figurines Made of Chocolate.

 DO NOT TRY TO PLUG IT IN!

 Lay it gently on the floor near an outlet, but out of direct sunlight,
 and clean it weekly with a damp handkerchief.

 WARNING: WHEN YOU ARE LAYING THE PLUG ON THE FLOOR, DO NOT HOLD A
 SHARP OBJECT IN YOUR OTHER HAND AND TRIP OVER THE CORD AND POKE YOUR
 EYE OUT, AS THIS COULD VOID THE WARRANTY.

 3. OPERATION OF THE DEVICE

 WARNING: WE MANUFACTURE ONLY THE ATTRACTIVE DESIGNER CASE. THE ACTUAL
 WORKING CENTRAL PARTS OF THE DEVICE ARE MANUFACTURED IN JAPAN. THE
 INSTRUCTIONS WERE TRANSLATED BY MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER OF ACCOUNTS
 RECEIVABLE, WHO HAS NEVER ACTUALLY BEEN TO JAPAN BUT DOES HAVE MOST OF
 "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

 INSTRUCTIONS:  For results that can be the finest, it is our advising
 that: NEVER to hold these buttons two times!!  Except the battery.
 Next taking the (something) earth section may cause a large
 occurrence!  However.  If this is not a trouble, such rotation is a
 very maintainence action, as a kindly (something) virepoint from
 Drawing B.

 4. WARRANTY

 Be it hereby known that this device, together with but not excluding
 all those certain parts thereunto, shall be warrantied against all
 defects, failures and malfunctions as shall occur between now and
 Thursday afternoon shortly before 2, during which time the
 Manufacturer will, at no charge to the Owner, send the device to our
 Service People, who will emerge from their caves and engage in rituals
 designed to cleanse it of evil spirits.  This warranty does not cover
 the attractive designer case.

 WARNING: IT MAY BE A VIOLATION OF SOME LAW THAT MRS. SHIRLEY PELTWATER
 HAS "SHOGUN" ON TAPE.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 18:35:17 -0500
From:    Russamer <russamer@NAUTICOM.NET>
Subject: confession(dirty,offensive to priests)

A sixteen year old virgin girl went for confession.

"Father, forgive me for I have sinned. I called a man a son-of-a-bitch
yesterday."

"Why did you call him a son-of-a-bitch?" the priest asked.

"Because, Father, he touched my arm without permission."

"Do you mean like this?' He touches her arm.

"Yes, Father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But Father, he also touched my breasts."

"You mean like this?" He touches her breasts."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But, Father, he took off my clothes."

"Like this?" He takes off her clothes.

"Yes, Father."

"That's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But Father, he then put his you-know-what in my you-know-where."

"Like this?" He puts his you-know-what in her you-know-where.

"Yes, Father," she says sometime later.

"But that's no reason to call him a son-of-a-bitch."

"But Father, he has AIDS".

"THAT SON-OF-A-BITCH!!!!!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 19:37:50 -0500
From:    Skip Johnstone <GSkipJ@AOL.COM>
Subject: Job Applicant

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked the
young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the
benefits package."

The HR Person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks
vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching
retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years -
say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!!  Are you kidding?"

And the HR Person said, "Certainly, ...but you started it."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Feb 1997 01:40:52 GMT
From:    "Aditya, the Hindu Skeptic" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: IF COLLEGE STUDENTS HAD WRITTEN THE BIBLE

Top ten ways the Bible would have been different if written by college
students.

10. Loaves and Fishes replaced by Pizza and Chips
 9. Ten Commandments are actually only five, but because they are
    double-spaced and written in a large font, they look like ten.
 8. Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn't dorm food.
 7. Paul's Letters to the Romans become Paul's E-Mail to the Romans.
 6. Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
 5. The place where the end of the world occurs, not the Plains of
    Armageddon, rather Finals.
 4. Book of Armaments would be in there somewhere.
 3. Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years:
    They didn't want to ask directions and look like a Freshman.
 2. Tower of Babel blamed for Foreign Language requirement.
 1. Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the
    seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was
    due and then pulled an all-nighter and hoped no one noticed.

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 22:31:55 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: A Vegetarian "Monster"

In recent posts on the India Discussion list vegetarianism has been
debated. The following humor give a sample of that delicious
discussion.

                                Food/Nutrition
                                ==============

Date: Wed, 12 Feb 1997 17:06:15 -0600 (MDT)
From: SL0VK@cc.usu.edu
Subject: A Vegetarian "Monster"?!

The discussion on vegetarianism regularly shows up in the IDD. Perhaps
many of you have already read this joke...

   A new convert to vegetarianism was enthusiastically explaining to
   others why vegetarianism is (1) better for health and (2) less
   cruel to living creatures (since plants also have life).
   One of his targets for "conversion" was his good friend. He kept
   on pestering his friend.

   Finally, the friend asked, "Tu shakahaari hain na? (You are
   vegetarian, right?)

   Our vegetarian said proudly, "Haan, haan, shuddha shakahari hoon
   (Yes, I am a pure vegetarian)

   Friend, "To phir mera bheja kyon kha raha hai? (Then why are you
   eating my brain? Note: `eating my brain' = `troubling me a lot')
   So that was a vegetarian "monster"?!

I have quite a few Hindu and Jain friends who turn up their noses at
those of us who eat non-vegetarian food. Naturally, I did not like
their attitude!  However, if anyone wants to feel superior just
because of his/her diet, that's okay too! :)

Rushin' to McDonalds,
Devparna Roy

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 15 Feb 1997 00:41:07 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: What is worse ...... <adult, sexual theme>

Q: What is worse than to be raped by "Jack the Ripper" ?

A: To be fingered by "Captain Hook".

--------------------------
Q: What is the difference between stress and tension.

A: Tension is when your wife is pregnant , and stress is when
   your secretary is pregnant.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 14 Feb 1997 to 15 Feb 1997
************************************************
