HUMOR Digest - 13 Feb 1997 to 14 Feb 1997
There are 20 messages totalling 940 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. We Be Prayin'<off. black>
  2. Today's Women Quickies <adult humor>
  3. 25 Facts for Women To Know About Men:  (fwd)
  4. Lost in Armenia <adult>
  5. Weird Quotes...
  6. Glad I'm A Woman [very risque !!!] )
  7. Humor: Offensive to lawyers and sheep
  8. How to Kill A Southern Eel <adult>
  9. Joke:(clean)
 10. Sci.math
 11. Which one would you use?
 12. ISPs
 13. shaggy dog story
 14. Cross posts
 15. Facts to Amaze Your Co-workers (censored)
 16. Only In LA - Clean - may be offensive to the Star Wars obsessed...
 17. Redneck Computer Lingo (poss. off. to Rednecks)
 18. The New Priest (poss. off. to Priests / Clergy??)
 19. A house of ill repute <adult themes>
 20. A pair of Goodies <adult>

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Feb 1997 20:08:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: We Be Prayin'<off. black>

May be offensive to blacks and the religious.


EBONICS                                 ENGLISH

Big Daddy's Rap                         The Lord's Prayer
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^                         ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Yo, Bid Daddy upstairs,                 Our Father, who art in  Heaven

You be chillin'                         Hallowed be thy name

So be yo hood                           Thy Kingdom come

You be sayin' it, I be doin' it         Thy will be done

In this here hood and yo's              On earth as it is in heaven

Gimme some eats                         Give us this day our daily bread

And cut me some slack, Blood            And forgive us our trespasses

Sos I be doin' it to dem dat diss me    As we forgive those who trespass
                                        against us

Don't be pushing me into no jive        And lead us not into temptation

And keep dem Crips away                 But deliver us from evil

'Cause you always be da Man             For thine is the Kingdom, the
                                        power and the glory, forever.

Aaa-men                                 Amen


---
Red meat isn't bad for you, but blue fuzzy meat is!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 02:23:52 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Today's Women Quickies <adult humor>

* This damn "Sesame Street" generation.  I asked my secretary the
  other day to take a letter.  She picked "N".
                                - - - - -

*   Some women worry about the most trivial things in a man.  This girl
  told me she'd be willing to date this good looking guy, but he had a
  case of terrible dandruff.  I told her to give him Head and Shoulders.
    She said, "Really ?  How do you give 'shoulders' ?"
                                - - - - -

* Did ya ever notice that the modern woman can "suffer in silence" louder
  than anything else in the whole damn world ?
                                - - - - -

* I get so tired of all this harassment crap.  I mean just think about it.
  If we guys dressed like the women of today do, they'd stare too !!!
                                - - - - -

* Today's woman puts on wigs, fake eyelashes, false fingernails, sixteen
  pounds of assorted make-up/shadows/blushes/creams, living bras, various
  pads that would make a linebacker envious, has implants and assorted
  other surgeries, then complains that she cannot find a "real" man.
                                - - - - -

* Seems to me all this divorce today is caused by far too many women who
  get married before they can properly support a husband.
                                - - - - -

* OK. OK.  I got a question.  If women are truly the "smarter" of the
  sexes, how come both their bras & blouses still fasten in the back ?
                                - - - - -

* My wife thinks she's so damn smart.  She's always poking fun at how
  truly absent minded I am.  The other day, I left for an appointment and
  she said, "Ok now hon.  Are you SURE you've forgotten _everything_ ?"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 07:49:21 -0500
From:    Grady Lacy <glacy@GRITS.VALDOSTA.PEACHNET.EDU>
Subject: 25 Facts for Women To Know About Men:  (fwd)

Found on, of all places, the religious humor list.  I forward for your
amusement.
------------------------------------------------------------------------

 25 Facts for Women To Know About Men:

 1. SportsCenter starts at 11:00 PM and runs an hour.  This is a great
    time to pay bills, put laundry in the dryer or talk to your sister.

 2. Two hot dogs and a beer at a baseball game do, in fact,
    constitute going out to dinner.

 3. Unlike you, we essentially want to dress just exactly like all
    our friends.  Thus, you need not go much further than the Gap, J.
    Crew or the local Patagonia store.

 4. If we see you in the morning and at night, why call us at work?

 5. Butthead is the smart one.

 6. Is it too much to ask to have the bra match the underwear?

 7. You probably don't want to know what we're thinking about.

 8. Silence does not need to be filled with discussions about "us"
    and "the relationship."

 9. Things you can help with:  the Sunday crossword, yard work, the
    dishes, cleaning and grocery shopping.

10. Things you should let us do alone:  figuring out where we are,
    watching anything on TBS, playing cards, smoking cigars and picking
    out the beer.

11. Socks never constitute a gift.

12. Department stores and malls were designed so that when you want
    to look at bed linen, shower curtains or handbags, there are always
    some speakers, tires or sporting equipment nearby.

13. We don't know anything about handbags.  Don't even ask.

14. We did water the plants.  They died anyway.  Nobody knows why
    this happens.

15. Even if you think he's cute, Kevin Costner can't act.

16. Of course, neither can Elle McPherson, but she had the good sense
    to do "Sirens" rather than "Waterworld."

17. Curley is the bald one.

18. Compromise does not mean that we abandon our position in favor
    of yours.

19. Sports Illustrated is a better magazine than Cosmopolitan.  Just
    accept that.

20. Its in neither your interest nor ours to take the Quiz together.

21. Unless you are willing to follow the careers of Mo Vaughn, Cal
    Ripken, David Robinson, Michael Jordan, Arnold Schwarzenegger and
    Chris Farley, don't expect us to know what Helen Gurley Brown, Hilary
    Clinton, Naomi Wolf or your mother are up to.

22. Sex on a weeknight is generally welcome.  Three hours of
    post-coital conversation are not.

23. Dinner out is a pretty good birthday present.  Two tickets to a
    ball game are even better.

24. No, you can't have the remote control.

25. If you must take us with you into Victoria's Secret, never, ever
    leave us alone.  All the old fat ladies make mean faces at us and only
    add to our discomfort.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 08:03:25 PST
From:    Elvis Is Dead <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Lost in Armenia <adult>

A western reporter goes to Armenia to write articles about that
land. He meets an old man in a village and asks him about any
memorable events in his life.

The old man says "well one time my donkey got lost, so me and
my neighbors got some vodka and went looking for it. We looked
and looked and finally found the donkey. Then we drank the
vodka and one by one started screwing the donkey, it was a lot
of fun."

The reporter figured he can't write an article about that, so
he asked the old man to tell him another story.

The old man said: "well, one time my neighbor's wife got lost,
so me and all the village men got some vodka and went out
looking for her. We looked and looked and finally we found her.
Then we drank the vodka and one by one screwed the neighbor's
wife. It was a lot of fun."

The reporter, feeling frustrated, told the old man that he
couldn't write articles about those stories and asked  him if
he had any dramatic or sad memories that he could talk about.

The old man paused a little and with a sad expression on his
face said: "Well, one time I was lost........"

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 07:28:19 -0600
From:    Jim Grisham <amismash@MAIL.ISBE.STATE.IL.US>
Subject: Weird Quotes...

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets
mad at you? But when you take him in a car he sticks his
head out the window!
             Steve Bluestone

Have you ever noticed....  Anybody going slower than you is
an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
             George Carlin

You have to stay in shape.  My grandmother, she started
walking five miles a day when she was 60.  She's 97 today
and we don't know where the hell she is.
             Ellen DeGeneris

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for
marriage.  They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
             Rita Rudner

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.  So I
grew hair under my arms instead.
             Sue Kolinsky

I'm not into working out.  My philosophy:  No pain, no pain.
             Carol Leifer

I have a great diet.  You're allowed to eat anything you want,
but you must eat it with naked fat people.
             Ed Bluestone

The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.  By
the second day you're off it.
             Jackie Gleason

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some
fries."  The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some
fries with that?"
             Jay Leno

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:  "I
wanna know your name..."
             Mike Binder

Advertising:  The science of arresting the human intelligence
long enough to get money from it.
             Stephen Leacock

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they
would not be caught dead in otherwise.
             Roger Simon

You have a cough?  Go home tonight, eat a whole box of
Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
             Pearl Williams

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore
helmets.
             Dave Edison

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
             George Gobel

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.  Donate it to the
Salvation Army instead.  They'll clean it and put it on a
hanger.  Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
             Billiam Coronel

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 09:14:04 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: Glad I'm A Woman [very risque !!!] )

[from joke-list@bucket.org]

  ***   I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

        I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am
        I don't live off of Budweiser, beer nuts and Spam
        I don't brag to my buddies about my erections
        I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions
        I don't get wasted at parties and act like a clown
        and I know how to put the damned toilet seat down!
        I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt
        my belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut
        and I don't go around "readjusting" my crotch
        or yell like Tarzan when my head-board gets a notch
        I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind

        I'm a woman you see --  I'm just not that kind!
        I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing
        I don't have body hair like shag carpeting
        It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back
        When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack

        And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb
        I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome
        Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side

        I'm a woman, you know -- I've got far too much pride!
        And I honestly think its a privilege for me
        to have these two boobs and squat when I pee
        I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball
        I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal
        I won't tell you my wife just does not understand
        stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band
        or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep
        then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

        Yes, I'm glad I'm a woman, a woman you see
        you can forget all about that old penis envy
        I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for chicks
        join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick
        I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful it's true
        I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

By Noraz

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 09:37:14 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: Offensive to lawyers and sheep

A lawyer from New York was transfered to a small frontier
during the settlement of the West. After several weeks
there he noticed that the town was populated soley by
men.
He asked one of the local cowboys, "What do you do when
you get the urge for a woman?".
The cowboy replied,"See them thar'sheep up on thet
hill. We just go git us one."
"That is disgusting and barbaric!!" replied the lawyer.
After about 3 months the lawyer could not stand it any
longer. He decided though if he was going to do a
sheep, he would show these yokels how to do it right.
He picked out the prettiest sheep of the bunch, bathed her,
put a pink ribbon on her, served her hay on a china
plate, dressed her in fine lingerie, and then took the
sheep to bed.
After he finished he decided to take his new found lover
out for a drink. He wandered into the local saloon with
the sheep under his arm. The piano fell silent, people
dropped drinks, and all the cowboys turned, and stared in
shocked disbelief.
The lawyer said, "You bunch of hippocrites. You look at
me as if I'm some sort of freak for doing what you've
been doing all along. I'm just doing it with more class."
"That ain't the problem.", replied one cowboy, "That's
the sheriff's gal you're with."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 11:57:29 -0500
From:    Stacy Schmidt <BlueEyes25@AOL.COM>
Subject: How to Kill A Southern Eel <adult>

How to Kill a Southern Eel

Little Johnny was 12 years old and like other boys his age, rather curious.
 He had been hearing quite a bit about "courting" from older boys and  he
wondered what it was and how it was done.  One day he took his question to
his mother who became rather flustered.  Instead of explaining things to
Johnny she told him to hide behind the curtains one night and watch his older
sister and her boyfriend.  This he did.  The following morning Johnny
described everything to his mother.

"Sis and her boyfriend sat and talked for a while and then turned off most of
the lights.  Then he started to kiss and hug her.  I figured sis must be
getting sick, because her face started looking funny.  He must have thought
so too, because he put his hand inside of her blouse to feel her heart, just
like the doctor would.  Except he's not as smart as the doctor because he
seemed to be having trouble finding her heart."

"I guess he was getting sick too, because pretty soon both of them started
panting and getting all out of breath.  His other hand must have been getting
cold because he put it under her skirt.  About this time sis got worse and
began to moan and sigh and squirm around and slide toward the end of the
couch.  This was when the fever started.  I know it was a fever because sis
told him that she felt very hot."

"Finally, I found out what was making them so sick - a big eel had gotten
inside of his pants somehow.  It just jumped out of his pants and just stood
there, about 10 inches long.  Honest!   Anyway, he grabbed it with one hand
to keep it from getting away."

"When sis saw it she really got scared, her eyes got big and her mouth fell
open and she started calling out to God and stuff like that.  She said it was
the biggest one she'd ever seen.  I should tell her about the ones down at
the lake."

"Anyway, sis got brave and tried to kill the eel by biting its head off.  All
of a sudden she made a noise and let the eel go.  I guess it bit her back.
 The she grabbed it with both hands and held it tight while he took a muzzle
out of his pocket and slipped it over the eel's head to keep it from biting
again."

"Sis lay back and spread her legs so that she could get a scissor lock on it
and he helps by lying on top of the eel.  The eel put up a hell of a fight.
 Sis started groaning and squeeling and her boyfriennd almost upset the
couch.  I guess they wanted to kill the eel by squeezing the eel between
them."

"After a while they both quit moving and gave a great sigh.  Her boyfriend
got up and sure enough they had killed the eel.  I know it was dead because
it just hung there limp and some of its insides were hanging out.  Sis and
her boyfriend were a little tired from the battle but they went to courting
anyway.  He started hugging and kissing her again and by golly, the eel
wasn't dead!  It jumped straight up and started fighting again.  I guess eels
are like cats, they have nine lives or something."

"This time sis jumped up and tried killing the eel by sitting on it.  After
35 minutes struggle they finally killed the eel.  I knew it was dead this
time because I saw sis's boyfriend peel its skin off and flush it down the
toilet."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 09:20:47 -0800
From:    Mark Panitz <az483@LAFN.ORG>
Subject: Joke:(clean)

Did you hear about the bull that was always
sleeping, they named him Bulldozer!

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 11:48:48 -0600
From:    Ian Chai <chai@UIUC.EDU>
Subject: Sci.math

My friend, a math prof who wishes to remain anonymous, told me:

It's interesting how much nonsense I got in the mail due to my
activity on sci.math. It tended to come in 2 categories. First
there was silly stuff like someone who had a new method to
calculate square roots that they were willing to license to
me for $200/year or something like that. Second, were AMAZING
ammouncements that the ENTIRE foundation of MATHEMATICS
consisted of NOTHING but FRAUD, LIES and DECEIT. The message
was to announce a NEW mathematical theory, TOTALLY TRUE,
unlike the rest of them, which had been RUTHLESSLY SUPRESSED
by the mathematical community ... you get the idea.

The funniest one, IMHO, was more or less in the latter
category, although he talked rather more like a normal
person. To the announcement of his theory he appended a long
list of comments, billed as sort of a "What People are Saying
about my Theory". Now what would you expect to find on such a
list? What I would expect would be comments from important-
sounding people I had never heard of saying things like "Mr.
X's extraordinary ideas will revolutionize mathematics, and,
with it, all of science. I strongly recommend that every
educated person give his papers a thorough reading."

What actually was appended, though, appeared to be simply
a concatenation of every e-mail reply he had gotten from
his announcements. The majority were variations on "Please
stop sending me this nonsense." Ever since then I've
wondered what his point was. I didn't ask though, since it
appeared that the only result would be that my question
would be added to his list.

................................
http://www.uiuc.edu/ph/www/chai

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 13:36:54 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Which one would you use?

 Nike Condoms:  Just do it.
 Toyota Condoms:  Oh what a feeling.
 Diet Pepsi Condoms:  You got the right one, baby.
 Pringles Condoms:  Once you pop, you can't stop.
 Mentos Condoms:  The freshmaker.
 Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack:  Ten million strong and growing.
 Secret Condoms:  Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
 Macintosh Condoms:  It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
 Ford Condoms:  The best never rest.
 Chevy Condoms:  Like a Rock.
 Dial Condoms:  Aren't you glad you use it?  Don't you wish everybody did?
 New York Lotto Condoms:  Cause hey -- you never know.
 California Lotto Condoms:  Who's next?
 Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
 EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
 KFC Condoms:  Finger-Licking Good.
 Coca Cola Condoms:  Always the Real Thing.
 Lays Condoms:  Betcha can't have just one.
 Campbells Soup Condoms:  Mm, mm good.
 American Express Condoms:  Don't leave home without it.
 Hallmark Condoms:When you care enough to send the very best.
 Miller Lite Condoms:  Tastes great.  Less filling.
 BMW Condoms:  The Ultimate Driving Machine.
 Maxwell House Condoms:  Good to the last drop.
 Alamo Condoms:  Unlimited free mileage.
 Office Depot Condoms:  Taking Care of Business.
 Snapple Condoms:  Made from the best stuff on earth.
 Yellow Pages Condoms:  If it's not in here, maybe it doesn't exist.
 Circuit City Condoms:  Service is state-of-the-art.
 Men's Wearhouse Condoms:  They guarantee it.
 Virginia Slims Condoms:  You've come a long way, baby!
 M&M Condoms:  Melts in your mouth, not in your hands.
 Degree Condoms:  Body-heat activated.
 Ruffles Condoms:  Ruffles have ridges.
 RAID Condoms:  It kills bugs dead.
 Head & Shoulders Condoms:  Because you never have a second chance to
                            make a first impression.
 Trident Condoms:  Three out of four doctors recommend it.
 Bounty Condoms: The quicker-pecker-upper.
 U.S. Air Force Condoms:  Aim Higher.
 Dockers Condoms:  Wrinkle free.
 GE Condoms:  We bring good things to life.
 Coors Condoms:  The Silver Bullet
 MCI Condoms:  How will you use it?
 Blockbuster Condoms:  Make it a Blockbuster night.


 Condoms to Avoid:

 Rice Krispie Condoms:  Snap, crackle, pop.
 McDonald's Condoms:  You deserve a break today.
 Mounds/Almond Joy Condoms:  Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes
                             you don't.
 Sprite Condoms: Never had it, never will.
 In 'n Out Burger Condoms: ('nough said)
 Federal Express Condoms:  When it absolutely, positively has to get
                           there overnight.
 Wendy's Condoms:  Where's the beef?
 Lifesaver Condoms:  The one with the hole in the middle.
 Jello Condoms:  Watch it wiggle, see it jiggle.
 Payless Condoms:  You could pay more, but why?
 Sprint Condoms:  A dime a minute.
 Hamburger Helper Condoms:  When you need a helping hand.
 Saturn Condoms:  A different kind of condom.
 Memorex Condoms:  Is it real or is it .....

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 12:34:14 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: ISPs

SUBJ: Top Ten Signs You Picked The Wrong ISP
Excerpted from the C|Net Newsletter

10. Their company logo: Two tin cans and a chuck of string.
 9. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a
    Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
 8. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in
    the woods.
 7. Their proud boast: "We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio."
 6. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway"
    in the same sentence
 5. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for
    your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone
    asks "Would you like fries with that?"
 4. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
 3. "Access speeds up to 9,600 bps in most areas."
 2. They hawk domain names AND Rolexes on street corners.
 1. They charge by the word.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 16:13:42 CST6CDT5,M4.1.0,M10.5.0
From:    Bob Terry <raterry@SAUMAG.EDU>
Subject: shaggy dog story

        The Municipal Zoo and Beer Garden in Horse Piddle, Georgia,
is attempting to build its collection of rare exotics into the best
in the world and sends a spokesman to the greatest big game collector
in the world.

        Mr. Zoo Spokesman: We absolutely, positutely MUST have a
short-necked giraffe.  Now we don't know if there is such a thing,
but we do know that, if there is, you can get one for us.

        Mr. Greatest Big Game Collector in the World: I'm sorry,
but I've retired.

        Mr. ZS: We're prepared to offer you $1 million.

        Mr. GBGCitW: I just came out of retirement.

        Mr. GBGCitW gets on a plane, travels to Africa, and goes
out into the jungle where Tarzan sits, painting white stripes on
black zebras [shaggy-dog story teller makes brush strokes toward
the right with right hand] and black stripes on white zebras [makes
similar motions to the left with left hand].

        Shaggy-dog story teller looks quizzically at audience, as
if awaiting a question.  Usually no question comes at this point,
so he continues.

        Mr. GBGCitW: Tarzan, ole fren, I absolutely, positutely
must have a short necked giraffe.  Now I don't know if there is
such a thing, but I do know that, if there is, you can get one for me.

        Tarzan thinks a moment, gives his famous yell (AaayyyAAaaaa!),
and goes swinging off through the trees.  After a while he comes
back with a short-necked giraffe.

        Mr. GBGCitW says, "Thankee Tarzan," takes the short-necked
giraffe home, collects his $1 million, and re-retires.

        Shaggy-dog story teller goes through the same thing over again,
ad infinitim, ad nauseam, or at least as long as his audience will sit
still, inventing paisley tigers, three-tailed kangaroos, etc.  Each
time he gets to Tarzan painting white stripes on black zebras and
black stripes on white zebras, he pauses and queries, "Don't you have
a question *yet*?"  Eventually--perhaps only with prodding--someone
will ask, "Why is Tarzan always painting white stripes on black zebras
and black stripes on white zebras?"

        Then the shaggy-dog story teller says (trying not to sound
too triumphant and smug), "Because Tarzan stripes forever!"

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 00:16:05 GMT
From:    "Mishra, Aditya" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Re: Cross posts

I saw this dialog  on another list and want to share with you.
=====
On Sun, 9 Feb 1997, Homer W. Smith wrote:

Perhaps I am mistaken, but a quick look through news.answers shows
that almost every single FAQ posted there is posted to
3 groups:

     group.yak, group.answers and news.answers

     Is there really a need for 6 or more cross posts for FAQ's?

Perhaps I am mistaken, but a quick bit of research has shown
that there are three ways of trimming fingernails:
nail clippers, scissors, and teeth

      Is there really a need for 3 or more ways to trim fingernails?

Homer, some things in life just aren't worth worrying about!

Besides, crossposted articles are only stored once in your newsspool.


http://www.memra.com

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 21:29:07 EST
From:    Yanky Goldberg <macher@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Facts to Amaze Your Co-workers (censored)

 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

 If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in
the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the
air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the
horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

 No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, and
 purple.

 Clans of long ago that wanted to get rid of their unwanted people
 without killing them use to burn their houses down -
 hence the expression "toget fired."

 Canada is an Indian word meaning "Big Village".

 There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

 Only two people signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, John
 Hancock and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
 the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

 "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.

 The term "the whole 9 yards" came from WWII fighter pilots in the South
 Pacific.  When arming their airplanes on the ground, the .50 caliber
 machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded
 into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got
 "the whole 9 yards."

 The international telephone dialing code for Antarctica is 672.

 Mel Blanc (the voice of Bugs Bunny) was allergic to carrots.

 Until 1965, driving was done on the left-hand side on roads in Sweden.
 The conversion to right-hand was done on a weekday at 5pm. All traffic
 stopped as people switched sides. This time and day were chosen to
 prevent accidents where drivers would have gotten up in the morning and
 been too sleepy to realize that *this* was the day of the changeover.

 The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin during World War II
 killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

 Dr. Seuss pronounced "Seuss" such that it rhymed with "rejoice."

 In Casablanca, Humphrey Bogart never said "Play it again, Sam."

 Sherlock Holmes never said "Elementary, my dear Watson."

 More people are killed annually by donkeys than die in air crashes.

 The term, "It's all fun and games until someone loses an eye" is from
 Ancient Rome. The only rule during wrestling matches was, "No eye
 gouging."  Everything else was allowed, but the only way to be
 disqualified was to poke someone's eye out.

 A 'jiffy' is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

 The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.

 Hershey's Kisses are called that because the machine that makes them
 looks like it's kissing the conveyor belt.

 Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.

 Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.

 The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old English law
 which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything
 wider than your thumb.

 An ostrich's eye is bigger that its brain.

 The longest recorded flight of a chicken is thirteen seconds.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 18:36:10 -0800
From:    elambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: Only In LA - Clean - may be offensive to the Star Wars obsessed...


The 1977 movie "Star Wars" is a box office smash once again, despite the
fact that most everyone on the planet over the age of 25 has seen it more
than once. I'm reminded of a story I once read concerning actor Alec
Guinness, who plays Obi-Wan Kenobi in the film.

Many years ago, Guinness was approached by a woman and her young son in
public. The woman proudly told Guinness that her son had seen Star Wars
more than 75 times. She asked the actor if there was anything he'd like to
tell the boy.

Guinness leaned down to the youngster and said, very slowly, "Never...
see... it... again."

Then he moved on leaving the stunned twosome behind...

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 21:41:46 -0500
From:    Helen Hobson <hobie@PATRIOT.NET>
Subject: Redneck Computer Lingo (poss. off. to Rednecks)

"Hard drive" -- Trying to climb a steep, muddy hill with 3 flat tires
                and pulling a trailer load of fertilizer.

"Keyboard" ---- Place to hang your truck keys.

"Window" ------ Place in the truck to hang your guns.

"Floppy" ------ When you run out of Polygrip.

"Modem" ------- How you got rid of your dandelions.

"ROM" --------- Delicious when you mix it with coca cola.

"Byte" -------- First word in a kiss-off phrase.

"Reboot" ------ What you do when the first pair gets covered with
                barnyard stuff.

"Network" ----- Activity meant to provide bait for your trot line.

"Mouse" ------- Fuzzy, soft thing you stuff in your beer bottle in
                        order to get a free case.

"LAN"  -------- To borrow as in, "Hey Delbert! LAN me yore truck."

"Cursor" ------ What some guys do when they are mad at their wife
                       and/or girlfriend.

"bit" --------- A wager as in, "I bit you can't spit that watermelon
                     seed across the porch longways."

"digital control" -- What yore fingers do on the TV remote.

"packet" ------ What you do to a suitcase or Wal-Mart bag before a trip.

- - - -
adams.patriot.net/~hobie -  Hobie's - my corner of the web

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 21:46:35 -0500
From:    Helen Hobson <hobie@PATRIOT.NET>
Subject: The New Priest (poss. off. to Priests / Clergy??)

(No offense is intended towards anyone.)


The New Priest

     A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could
     hardly speak.  After mass he asked the monsignor how he had
     done.  The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about
     getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next
     to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a
     sip."  So the next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.
     At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a
     drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.  Upon return to his
     office after mass, he found the following note on his door:

     1.  Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.

     2.  There are 10 commandments, not 12.

     3.  There are 12 disciples, not 10.

     4.  Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

     5.  Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

     6.  We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

     7.  The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as
         Daddy, Junior, and Spook.

     8.  David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

     9.  When David was hit by a rock and knocked off his donkey,
         don't say he was stoned off his ass.

     10.  We do not refer to the cross as the Big T!

     11.  When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said,
          "Take this and eat it, for it is my body", he did not say,
          "Eat me."

     12.  The Virgin Mary is not referred to as the, "Mary with
          the Cherry".

     13.  The recommended grace before a meal is not:
          "Rub-A-dub-dub,thanks for the grub, yeah God!"

     14.  Next Sunday there will be a taffy-pulling contest at
          St.Peter's, not a peter-pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


     The origination of this letter is unknown, but it brings
     good luck to everyone who passes it on. The one who breaks
     the chain will have bad luck. Do not keep this letter.  Do
     not send money.  Just forward it to five of your friends to
     whom you wish good luck.  You will see that something good
     happens to you four days from now if the chain is not
     broken.  You will receive good luck in four days.

- - - -
adams.patriot.net/~hobie -  Hobie's - my corner of the web

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 12:51:46 +0530
From:    Devesh Agarwal <jesons@CYBERWAY.COM.SG>
Subject: A house of ill repute <adult themes>

A House of Ill Repute caught on fire
A few clients Came Running
But most clients Ran Comming!! :)

------------------------------

Date:    Fri, 14 Feb 1997 01:44:41 -0500
From:    Wikus Van Dyk <ZDW255@ZDW1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: A pair of Goodies <adult>

What is the peak of dissapointment ?
It's when you take a girl to the drive-in and you hug and kiss
and in general warm her up , and you struggle all evening to get
in her panties , and when you finally do , you find out that she
has a bigger erection than you have.

------

Three little kids arguing about what is the strongest thing in the
world:
First little kid: "My daddy"
Second little kid: "Superman"
Third little kid: "My sister. Last night a mouse ran in under her
dress , and she squeezed about 1 gallon of water out of it."

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 13 Feb 1997 to 14 Feb 1997
************************************************
