HUMOR Digest - 12 Feb 1997 to 13 Feb 1997
There are 13 messages totalling 555 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. You Are What You Wear
  2. The wish slide {swearing}
  3. News Story offensive to donkeys
  4. A throw of the slice <no off.>
  5. Outsourcing humor <not off.>
  6. Are you a Guy? (offensive to insecure males)
  7. Waning Sexuality (adult)
  8. Drug Dealers/Software Engineers - a Comparison <offensive to mar
  9. condoms<adult>
 10. 25 ways to confuse your professor! Part 2/2
 11. Three worst Chinese tortures. ( off. language )
 12. Are you from Iran or Italy? ( off. language )
 13. Unified Field Theory

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Feb 1997 02:30:14 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: You Are What You Wear

*   When they started a "No Smoking" policy in our Office, I resorted
  to chewing on hard candy.  My favorites were these really tart red
  raspberry candies.  On my way to a meeting, I stuck some in the pocket
  of my white shirt, and then forgot about them.  I guess my body heat
  melted them and resulted in quite a red stain.  My wife took the shirt
  to the cleaners to see if they could do anything with it.
    The guy takes one look at it and sez "Good shot Mrs. Moore !!!"
                                - - - - -

* Speaking of white shirts (I was).  Back in the 50's they used to sell
  shirts designed for men w/o buttons on the sleeves.  You would wear any
  kind of jewelry to fasten the cuff together, and they were called "Cuff
  Links."  I miss that style of shirt, haven't seen any for years.  I
  still have quite a collection of cuff links though.  Wonder if I should
  get my wrists pierced and start a fad ?
                                - - - - -

* We have a this really nice looking young lady in the office who wears
  her slacks so damn tight, I for one suspect she can't get them on in
  the morning unless she trims her toenails.
                                - - - - -

* I've never been much on fashion, but got quite a few compliments on a
  new sports jacket I wore to work one day.  My secretary asked me where
  I got it and I told her that it was a surprise from my wife.  I went
  home early yesterday, and there it was, on the back of a kitchen chair.
                                - - - - -

* I've often heard the expression that some women look like they were
  "poured" into their dresses.  Any of you who've seen just about any of
  the awards shows on TV recently might suspect the same thing I do --
  that a lot of ladies forget to say "when".

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 00:26:22 +1100
From:    Mike Laidlaw <mikelaid@COMCIRC.COM.AU>
Subject: The wish slide {swearing}

On day four kids were playing on a slide and a jeanie appeared in
 they all stopped and huddled amongst them selves.

The jeanis said "the next time you go down the slide say somethig you
want to land in and you will" and at that the jeanie poofed up in smoke.

One by one they lined up to get their wishes .

The first kid said lollies he slid down and he landed in lollies.
The next kid did the same but instead he said chips.
The third kid was still young and had'nt  got the concept and just went down
as usaul and yelled weee!
The fourth kid acciedentally bumped his knee and screamed shit before
sliding down head first into it.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Feb 1997 07:31:50 -0500
From:    Cyndi Johnson <cyndi.johnson@MAIL.UTEXAS.EDU>
Subject: News Story offensive to donkeys

>>>Man Shot by Son Over Donkey Penis Transplant
Source: AFP

ANKARA (02-10) - A 52-year-old Turkish man was shot in the
leg by his own son over his intentions to have a penis transplant
from a donkey.
On two previous occasions Mehmet Esirgen, 52, purchased
two donkeys, amputated their sexual organs and appealed in
vain to medical doctors to perform a penis transplant in order
to cure his sexual impotence.
His family, opposed to Esirgen's intentions, became hysterical
when he purchased a third donkey on his way home from Ankara
and one of his sons shot him in the leg.
"For a long time now I have had sexual problems and I have
spent all my pension funds to overcome them," said Esirgen.
He plans to buy a fourth donkey as soon as he recovers from
his leg wound.
-------------

*This message was printed with recycled electrons

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Feb 1997 16:33:57 +0100
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: A throw of the slice <no off.>

Two guys were betting.
John: 'I bet a buttered sandwich will land on its buttered side'.
George:'I don't think so.'
John: 'Oke, we'll bet for $ 20.'
George: Oke, but I will butter the sandwich and I will make it fall from
the table.'
John:'That's allright to me'.
So George buttered a sandwich, put it on the table and slowly pushed it
near the edge. Suddenly it fell
off and landed on the floor - on its buttered side.
John: 'You see ? I was right ! Pay m, please.'
As he handed the $ 20 to John, George said: 'It was my own mistake.'
John: 'You mean, you not believing me ?'
George:'No, m buttering the wrong side of the sandwich.'

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Feb 1997 12:47:34 -0500
From:    "Stephen W. Thompson" <thompson@POBOX.UPENN.EDU>
Subject: Outsourcing humor <not off.>

Heard this from a friend about someone else who had lost a job to
outsourcing.  She got a t-shirt printed with the message:

  "My job went to Malaysia and all I got was this crummy t-shirt."

--
Stephen W. Thompson;
U. of PA, Data Administration
http://pobox.upenn.edu/~thompson/index.html

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Feb 1997 11:54:03 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Are you a Guy? (offensive to insecure males)

                          ARE YOU A GUY???

 1)     Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth,
        and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of
        intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but
        incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all
        disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping
        out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression
        and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
           a. Present it to the president of the United States
           b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations
           c. Take it apart

 2)     As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life
        do you miss the most?
           a. Innocence
           b. Idealism
           c. Cherry bombs

 3)     When is it okay to kiss another male?
           a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection
              without regard for narrow-minded social conventions
           b. When he is the pope (Not on the lips)
           c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this
              is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for
              business reasons, you have to have him killed

 4)     What about hugging another male?
           a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease
           b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver (And even in this
              case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food
              trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
           c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a
              home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided
              that (1) he is legally within the basepath,
                   (2) both of you are wearing protective cups, and
                   (3) you also pound him fraternally with your fist
                       hard enough to cause fractures

 5)     Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to......
           a. remember the deceased and console his loved ones
           b. reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life
           c. tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease
              and cancer

 6)     In your opinion, the ideal pet is
           a. A cat
           b. A dog
           c. A dog that eats cats

 7)     You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
        and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely
        Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy - you're watching
        a football game; she's reading the papers - when she suddenly, out
        of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you,
        but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your
        relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to
        get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of
        future together, What do you say?
           a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future,
              but you don't want to rush it
           b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
              honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a
              lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding
              out false hope
           c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third
              and seventeen

 8)     Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
        want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys
        and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the
        adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come
        what may. How do you tell her?
           a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner
           b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
              name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing
              her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her
           c. Tell her what?

 9)     One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you
        to get your three children ready for school. Your first question
        to her is:
           a. "Do they need to eat anything?"
           b. "They're in school already?"
           c. "There are three of them?"

 10)    When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
           a  When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
              holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
              intended for your legs
           b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
              and has to be handled with tweezers
           c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy
              checks the garbage regularly in case somebody - and we are not
              naming names, but this would be his wife - is quietly trying
              to discard his underwear, of which she is frankly jealous,
              because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship
              with it than with her.

 11)    What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for
        the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for
        forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
           a. He was being tested
           b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when
              they finally got there
           c. He refused to ask directions

 12)    What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
           a. Democracy
           b. Religion
           c. Remote Control

 How to score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked
 answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In
 fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get
 the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy
 who has Alzheimer's disease AND cancer.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Feb 1997 14:03:27 -0500
From:    Bob Nordvall <bnordval@GETTYSBURG.EDU>
Subject: Waning Sexuality (adult)

A friend sent me a poem inspired by a reading of "The Slightly Older Guy," a
book by Bruce Jay Friedman that humorously addresses the subject of "waning
sexuality" in advancing years.

I'd love to be seduced
as my lingering life is finishing
but, sadly, I've deduced
that my chances are diminishing.
In fact, as restless time moves on
I think my chances are all gone
but if perchance a chance appears
although I'll try my very best
because of my advancing years
I'll probably flunk the entry test.

Box 399 Gettysburg College, Gettysburg, PA 17325
717/337-6586 (voice) 717/337-6906 (FAX)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Feb 1997 13:26:46 +0000
From:    "F.I. Goldhaber" <fi@PEAK.ORG>
Subject: Drug Dealers/Software Engineers - a Comparison <offensive to mar

Drug dealers                     Software developers
---------------------------      ---------------------------
Refer to their clients           Refer to their clients
as "users".                      as "users".

"The first one's free!"          "Download a free trial version..."

Have important South-East        Have important South-East
Asian connections                Asian connections
(to help move the stuff).        (to help debug the code).

Strange jargon:                  Strange jargon:
"Stick," "Rock,"                 "SCSI," "RTFM,"
"Dime bag," "E".                 "Java," "ISDN".

Realize that there's             Realize that there's
tons of cash in the              tons of cash in the
14- to 25-year-old               14- to 25-year-old
market.                               market.

Job is assisted by the           Job is assisted by
industry's producing             industry's producing
newer, more potent mixes.        newer, faster machines.

Often seen in the company        Often seen in the company of
of pimps and hustlers.           marketing people and venture
                                            capitalists.

Their product causes             DOOM. Quake. SimCity. Duke Nukem 3D=
unhealthy addictions.            'Nuff said.

Do your job well, and            Damn! Damn! DAMN!!!
you can sleep with
sexy movie stars who
depend on you.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Feb 1997 23:25:01 PST
From:    Elvis Is Dead <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: condoms<adult>

A sixty year old man walks into a big drug store and walks up to the girl
at checkout #3.  He asks her, "Do you guys have condoms here?"
She says, "Sure.  What size are you?"
"I don't know," he replies.
"Well, just let me check," the cashier says and she unzips his pants and
takes a feel and then she says over the intercom, "EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS
TO AISLE 3 PLEASE, EXTRA LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."  They bring the
condoms and the man pays for them and leaves.

Then, a thirty-year old man walks into the store and up to checkout 3.
He asks the girl, "Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure, but what size do you need?"
He says "Well, I don't know."
She says, "Just let me check here."  She unzips his pants and takes a
couple of tugs and then says over the intercom, "LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE
3 PLEASE, LARGE CONDOMS TO AISLE 3."  Someone brings the condoms and the
man pays for them and leaves.

Later, a sixteen-year old guy comes into the store and goes up to the
girl at checkout 3 and asks sheepishly, "Um, ah, do you guys sell any
condoms here?"
"Yep," she says, "But what size do you need?"
"I don't know." he says.  She unzips his zipper for a feel and then says
over the intercom, "CLEAN UP TO AISLE THREE PLEASE, CLEAN UP TO AISLE
THREE."

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 09:41:43 +0500
From:    "Jahanzeb A. Khan" <jazi@KHI.COMPOL.COM>
Subject: 25 ways to confuse your professor! Part 2/2

13. When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it,
give it a grade, and return it to the professor.  Demand extra credit.

14. Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks.  Try to get
your professor to guess who you are.  Shoot him/her with a water pistol,
scream,  and run around the room knocking things over.  Say, "Pretty
scary, huh?"

15. Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a
surprise  party for your professor.  Insist that you can't start class
until he/she  has a piece of cake.  Keep asking people when the strippers
are going to  arrive.

16. Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class.
Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or
"Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About."  Give the
paintings to your professor as gifts.

17. Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!"
Apologize, and explain that you got confused.

18. Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese.  Tie a ribbon around it,
and present it to him/her at the beginning of class.  Demand extra credit.

19. Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15
minutes late.  Go ahead and start without me."  Wait outside the building
until the time when class is supposed to begin.  Tie the note to a rock,
and throw it through the window.

20. Write down everything that your professor says, word for word.  Think
up a melody, and turn the words into a song.  Bring a guitar to class and
perform the song for the class.  Explain to your professor that he/she is
"very inspiring."

21. Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you.  Tell your professor
that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you.  Sit back and relax
during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper.  When it
comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I
wish I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing."  Assuming you get a bad
grade, angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.

22. When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your
professor's house.  From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on
the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.

23. Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing
class.  Get him/her to tell you his/her life story.  Act interested, and
write down everything he/she says.  Fabricate a few romantic interludes
and turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel.  Make copies for the
entire class, and your professor.  Demand extra credit.

24. Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests.  Next
to  them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and
"You're the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."

25. Start asking questions in a fake foreign language.  Act like your
professor is stupid for not being able to understand you.  Get other
people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have
frequent discussions during class.  Act like you're really interested  in
what you're discussing.  If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you,
act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 09:54:42 +0500
From:    "Jahanzeb A. Khan" <jazi@KHI.COMPOL.COM>
Subject: Three worst Chinese tortures. ( off. language )

A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's
hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything
besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves
and under trees.

One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods.
It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other
buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the
chimney implying someone is home.

He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a
beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes
and says "What do you want?"

The man says "I've been lost for the past three weeks
and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would
be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house
for tonight"

The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one
condition: You cannot mess around with my granddaughter"

The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I
promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way
tomorrow morning"

The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you
then I'll give you the three worst Chinese torture tests ever
known to man."

"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house.
Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live
out in the wilderness all her life?

Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after
showering), he saw how beautiful the granddaughter was. She was
an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks,
it had been many,many months without companionship. And the girl
had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and
well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other
throughout the meal.

That night, the man snuck into the girls' bedroom and
they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum.
The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to
himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that
experience."

Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight
on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on
his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture
test: 100 lb rock on your chest".

"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as
he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter
and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another
sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right
testicle".

The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to
be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a
third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to
bedpost".

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 09:59:13 +0500
From:    "Jahanzeb A. Khan" <jazi@KHI.COMPOL.COM>
Subject: Are you from Iran or Italy? ( off. language )

A guy on an Airplane is sitting next to a gorgeous babe. The babe is
wearing a very sexy skirt and typing busily on a laptop computer, not
paying any attention to this guy, or to the stewardess asking her if
she would like to eat or drink anything.  So this guy comments to her
"must be something important you're working on" the babe says: yes,
I am doing a very important research.

The guy asks: what's the research about?  The babe answers: I am
trying to determine which nationality has the longest dicks, and which
has the widest dicks.  The guy asks: and what did you find?  The babe
says: people from Iran have the longest, and Italians have the widest.

Then she turns to him and says, by the way I'm Nancy.  The guy says:
and I am Alfredo Rafsanjani.

------------------------------

Date:    Thu, 13 Feb 1997 06:27:41 GMT
From:    "Mishra, Aditya" <aditya@SMART1.NET>
Subject: Unified Field Theory

In the beginning there was Aristotle,
And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
And objects in motion tended to come to rest,
And soon everything was at rest,
And God saw that it was boring.

Then God created Newton,
And objects at rest tended to remain at rest,
But objects in motion tended to remain in motion,
And energy was conserved and momentum was conserved and
   matter was conserved,
And God saw that it was conservative.

Then God created Einstein,
And everything was relative,
And fast things became short,
And straight things became curved,
And the universe was filled with inertial frames,
And God saw that it was relatively general, but some of it was
   especially relative.

Then God created Bohr,
And there was the principle,
And the principle was quantum,
And all things were quantized,
But some things were still relative,
And God saw that it was confusing.

Then God was going to create Fergeson,
And Fergeson would have unified,
And he would have fielded a theory,
And all would have been one,
But it was the seventh day,
And God rested,
And objects at rest tend to remain at rest.

                   by Tim Joseph

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 12 Feb 1997 to 13 Feb 1997
************************************************
