HUMOR Digest - 11 Feb 1997 to 12 Feb 1997
There are 17 messages totalling 878 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Moore Women's Logic
  2. Frog Jokes <off. to frogs?>
  3. Quick Work
  4. Racoon Coat (groaner)
  5. Humor: Why did the chicken....
  6. Surprises in the Star Wars Special Edition <may offend believers>
  7. Gilligan and the Seven Deadly Sins <poss. offensive to Gilligan fans>
  8. Kids Say The Darnest Things
  9. Satchel Paige quote
 10. Einstein in heaven <poss. off. to bankers>
 11. Real News <adult- regarding incest>
 12. Smithsonian story (probably not offensive to anyone)
 13. The Priest's Child <Off. to religious><adult>
 14. Swedish takeout?
 15. Imperial Rhapsody
 16. 25 ways to confuse your professor! Part 1/2 ( clean )
 17. The spear gun {poor}

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 02:33:19 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore Women's Logic

* A student engineer in the office got engaged some time ago.  At her
  wedding, I was reminding her of the first day she wore her ring.  None
  of the other women in the office even noticed.  Finally, in sheer and
  total exasperation, she said "Boy !!!  It's so warm in here today, I
  think I'll take off MY ring."
                                - - - - -

*   Speaking of girls in the office (I was)...  One young woman was real
  discouraged over her lack in finding a steady boyfriend.  In an attempt
  to buoy her spirits, I said, "There's a man for every woman and a woman
  for every man.  You can't change that."
    She replied, "I don't WANT to change it, I just wantta get in on it."
                                - - - - -

*   I overheard one young lady in the office telling another... "Sure he's
  old enuff to be my Father.  BUT, he's also rich enuff to be my husband."
                                - - - - -

*   I remember this one young girl I was attracted to wouldn't even give
  me a second glance.  Finally one day I told her, "You know, your heart
  is harder than steel.  Nothing seems to soften it."
    "Try diamonds !" she said, and kept on walking.
                                - - - - -

*   Two older women met shopping one day.  The one asked the other "What
  did you do with your hair ?  It looks too perfect, just like a wig."
    The second woman replied, It is a wig. I was just too tired this
  morning to do anything with my hair."
    The first lady said, "Really ?  It's a wig ???  I'd never have known."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 23:11:29 +1300
From:    Antony Currington <acurri@SANS.VUW.AC.NZ>
Subject: Frog Jokes <off. to frogs?>

*One day, an young girl is walking through a park when she hears a
faint "help me, help me". She looks around and follows the quiet
voice to a bush near the path. Looking under the bush she spies a
little green frog trapped under a log. The girl moves the log and
picks up the frog.

"Oh, thank you, thank you" says the frog, "Take me home and put me on
your pillow and in the morning I'll be a handsome Prince."

So the girl takes the frog home and puts him on the pillow and there
in the morning is a handsome prince.

You don't believe that?

Neither did her mother!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, an old man, 82 years of age, is walking through a park when
he hears a faint "help me, help me". He looks around and follows
the quiet voice to a bush near the path. Looking under the bush he
spies a little green frog trapped under a log. The old man moves the
log and picks up the frog.

"Oh, thank you, thank you" says the frog, "Take me home and put me on
your pillow and in the morning I'll be a beautiful Princess."

The old man looks at the frog for a moment, thinks a bit, and then
quickly puts the frog in his pocket.

From the pocket the frog cries of "Wait, wait. Aren't ya gonna kiss me?"

The old man replies "At my age, what goods a beautiful princess...
But a talking frog, there ya got something!"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 14:25:44 GMT+0200
From:    Willie <BAR1WP5@BAR1.PWV.GOV.ZA>
Subject: Quick Work

On a busy morning a vet received a call from a woman who said she was
starting a poultry farm and wanted to know how long she should leave
the rooster with the hens.
"Just a minute" replied the vet as his other phone rang.
"Thank you very much" said the woman , and hang up.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 07:58:35 -0500
From:    Mark Morris <Whrek@AOL.COM>
Subject: Racoon Coat (groaner)

Once upon a time, there was this rich man who had a rather unreliable son.
Upon his son's entrance to college, the man took his son aside and said" Son,
you will inherit all my wealth, and the family business, if you can prove
you've finally become reliable. To do this, I am testing you. See this racoon
coat? If you can preserve every hair on this coat throughout your stay in
college, you will be rich" So the son agrees. First, they have to count how
many hairs there are. So they count 999,999,999,999 hairs on the racoon coat.
Every day the son counts the hairs on the coat and stores it in a special
cedar closet, taking exceedingly good care of it.
Finally, graduation day arrives!
The father takes his son to his room and gets the racoon coat.So they first
count the hairs. Sure enough, all 999,999,999,999 hairs are there! So they
throw the coat on the bed and go downstairs to celebrate a bit.
Unbeknownst to them, a moth was sitting in the window, saw the coat, and went
down to it and ate a hair. He thought it was pretty good, so he gobbled up
another hair. As he was getting ready to eat another, he heard the father and
son approaching, so he flew up into the corner of the room.
The father and son came in, and as the father was getting ready to sign the
documents turning everything over to his son, he said" Son, just to make
sure, we ought to caount the hairs again." So the did, all 999,999,999,997.
Startled, the caounted again-sure enough, only 999,999,997 hairs on the
racoon coat. The father flew into a rage, tearing up all the paperwork. "I
have no son!" he cried, and stormed out of the room.
The son, devastated, sat on the bed and started to cry great, wracking sobs.
The father came back and apoogized, but said" A deal is a deal, you didn't
keep your end of the bargain, so you still don't get everything." The father
saw what a terrible outcome this was and also started sobbing.
The moth saw what a terrible thing it had done, such misery it had caused, so
it started crying too.


Have you ever seen a moth bawl?

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 08:25:22 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor: Why did the chicken....

Why did the chicken cross the road?
>Plato: For the greater good.
>Karl Marx:   It was a historical inevitability.
>Thomas de Torquemada:   Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll
 find out.
>Timothy Leary:  Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment
 would let it take.
>Douglas Adams:  Forty-two.
>Nietzsche:  Because if you gaze too long across the Road, the Road gazes
 also across you.
>Oliver North:  National Security was at stake.
>Carl Jung:  The confluence of events in the cultural gestalt
 necessitated that individual chickens cross roads at this historical
 juncture, and therefore synchronictitiously brought such occurrences into
 being.
>Jean-Paul Sartre:  In order to act in good faith and be true to itself,
 the chicken found it necessary to cross the road.
>Ludwig Wittgenstein:   The possibility of "crossing" was encoded into
 the objects "chicken" and "road," and circumstances came into being which 
 caused the actualization of this potential occurrence.
>Albert Einstein:   Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road
 crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
>Aristotle:   To actualize its potential.
>Buddha:   If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken-nature.
>Salvador Dali:   The Fish.
>Darwin:   It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
>Emily Dickinson:   Because it could not stop for death.
>Epicurus:   For fun.
>Ralph Waldo Emerson:   It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
>Johann Friedrich von Goethe:   The eternal hen-principle made it do it.
>Ernest Hemingway:   To die. In the rain.
>Werner Heisenberg:   We are not sure which side of the road the chicken
 was on, but it was moving very fast.
>David Hume:   Out of custom and habit.
>Saddam Hussein:   This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were
 quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.
>Jack Nicholson:   'cause it (censored) wanted to.  That's the (censored)
 reason.
>Pyrrho the Skeptic:   What road?
>John Sununu:   The Air Force was only too happy to provide the
 transportation, so quite understandably the chicken availed himself of the
 opportunity.
>The Sphinx:   You tell me.
>Sappho:   Due to the loveliness of the hen on the other side, more fair
 than all of Hellas' fine armies.
>Henry David Thoreau:   To live deliberately ... and suck all the marrow
 out of life.
>Mark Twain:   The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.
>Stephen Jay Gould:   It is possible that there is a sociobiological
 explanation for it, but we have been deluged in recent years with
 sociobiological stories despite the fact that we have little direct
 evidence about the genetics of behavior, and we do not know how to obtain
 it for the specific behaviors that figure most prominently in
 sociobiological speculation.
>Joseph Stalin:   I don't care.  Catch it.  Crack its eggs to make my
 omlette.
>Captain James T. Kirk:   To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
>Machiavelli:   So that its subjects will view it with admiration, as a
 chicken which has the daring and courage to boldly cross the road, but
 also with fear, for whom among them has the strength to contend with such
 a paragon of avian virtue?  In such a manner is the princely chicken's
 dominion maintained.
>Hippocrates:   Because of an excess of pleghm in its pancreas.
>Andersen Consultant:   Deregulation of the chicken's side of the road
 was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with
 significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required
 for the newly competitive market. Andersen Consulting, in a partnering
 relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its
 physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the
 Poultry Integration Model (PIM) Andersen helped the chicken use its
 skills, methodologies, knowledge capital and experiences to align the
 chicken's people, processes and technology in support of its overall
 strategy within a Program Management framework.  Andersen Consulting
 convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens
 along with Andersen consultants with deep skills in the transportation
 industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to
 leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and
 to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the
 implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and
 implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of
 poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like
 setting enabling and creating an impactful environment which was
 strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear,
 and unified market message and aligned with the chicken's mission, vision,
 and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total
 business integration solution. Andersen Consulting helped the chicken
 change to become more successful.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 10:08:21 -0400
From:    JIM MICA OFFICE OF ADMISSION ITHACA COLLEGE <JMICA@OA.ITHACA.EDU>
Subject: Surprises in the Star Wars Special Edition <may offend believers>

Dear Brothers and Sisters,

        As you know the Second Coming is Upon Us.  Yes, STAR WARS is back
in the movie theaters.  This year, ALN19 (that's Anno Lucasini Noster or 'in
the year of Our Lucas'), is the most sacred moment since ALN1.  Once again
we are able to view THE MOVIE, THE SOURCE OF ALL WISDOM on the big screen where
it belongs and be RENEWED IN THE FORCE.

        But, yea though this be true, there are non-believers amongst us!
Some snide, sinister, cynic is circulating the following heretical tract.
Be warned, be wary!

******************  NOT MY MATERIAL  *******************

             STAR WARS SURPRISES

-Part of Chewbacca now played by a shirtless Ed Asner

-Commander of the Death Star: Dr. Kevorkian

-Land speeders replaced with bitchin' pink Miatas

-Comic relief provided by Cheech Marin as Luke Skywalker's wacky
 Mexican caddy

-Darth Vader's voice goes up three octaves after Dennis Rodman kicks
 him in the groin

-Instead of "May the force be with you," Obi-Wan Kenobi says, "Show me
 the money!"

-Cameo appearance by Bob Dole as Yoda's great-great-grandfather

-Luke and Darth Vader work together to beat the crap out of a bunch of
 Trekkies

-New scene in which Jabba the Hut is hugged by a sobbing Richard Simmons

-R2D2? Gay

-New scene in which Chewbacca teaches Han Solo how to lick himself.

-He might not look as fearsome as before, but that Primatene Mist of
 Darth Vader's seems to have helped his breathing immensely.

-Added scene in which Tonya Harding whacks Princess Lea on the knee with
 a light saber.

-Luke accused of killing ex-wife and advised by Obi Wan to "Use the
 Fifth, Luke."

-The commercial tie-in appearance of Jabba's big brother, Pizza the Hut.

-Newly-colorized Darth Vader is mauve.

-C3PO has a conspicuous "Intel Inside" sticker on his shiny brass ass.

-Han, Luke, Obi-Wan and C3PO now sporting bitchin' goatees.

-New scene where Luke shakes JFK's hand and tells him he has to pee.

-Jabba the Butt-head saying, "Hehe...hehe...she said, 'Lay ya.'"

-Revealing scene in the bathroom shows how "Han Solo" got his name.

-During one lonely night, Princess Lea finds R2D2's special attachment.

-Anti-fur activists from planet PETA spray Chewbacca with red paint.

-The X-Wing pilot who blows up the Death Star?  Richard Jewell.

-Dismembered victim of Obi-Wan Kenobi's light saber in bar scene none other
 than John Wayne Bobbitt.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 10:25:25 -0500
From:    Joel Rosner <jhr18@COLUMBIA.EDU>
Subject: Gilligan and the Seven Deadly Sins <poss. offensive to Gilligan fans>

>From Keith Bostic <bostic@bsdi.com>

The Seven Deadly Sins of Gilligan's Island theory is quite simple.  Each
of the seven characters on the island represents each of the seven deadly
sins.  Now, this theory seems to fit upon initial inspection, there are
technical difficulties when you get down to THE MAN himself, Gilligan.

Run with me on this one...

Most obvious is the Professor, who fits PRIDE to a T.  Any man who can
make a ham radio out of some wire and two coconuts has to be pretty cocky.
(His character was later revised and given a series of his own, called
MacGuyver".)

For the sin of ENVY we need look no further than Maryann, who may have
worn those skimpy little tops, but could never achieve Ginger's glamour.
(As an interesting and completely irrelevant side note, a nationwide
survey of college students a few years ago revealed that the professor
and Maryann were voted the most likely couple to have 'done it' on the
island.)

And who could doubt for a moment that Ginger is LUSTincarnate?  Sure, the
kids were supposed to think she was ACTING, but we all know what being
deprived episode after episode was doing to her.  You know and I know that
glazed look wasn't boredom, my friends.

What kind of person takes a trunk full of money on a three-hour cruise?
Mr. Howell gets my vote for GREED.

We are now left with three characters and three Deadly Sins.  We have
Gilligan, the Skipper and Mrs. Howell to whom we must match GLUTTONY,
SLOTH and ANGER.  As you can see, there is a Gilligan problem here.

Certainly we can further eliminate Mrs. Howell from this equation by
connecting her with SLOTH.  She did jack shit during her many years
on the island and everybody knows it.

This leaves ANGER and GLUTTONY, either of which the Skipper had no
shortage.  He was, after all, a big guy with the tendency to hit Gilligan
with his hat at least once an episode.  After much consideration, I have
decided that he can easily do double-duty, covering the two remaining
Deadly Sins.

So here we have the Seven Deadly Sins trapped in an endlessly recurring
Hell of hope followed by denial and despair, forced to live with each
other in our TVs until the last re-run ends.  And who is their captor?
What keeps them trapped there?

Gilligan.

Gilligan is SATAN.  Think about it.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 10:32:00 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Kids Say The Darnest Things

            From some tests and class papers in school:
                (Kids have all of the answers...)

 * Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils while others
   preferred to be oil.

 * All animals were here before mankind. The animals lived peacefully
   until mankind came along and made roads, houses, hotels and condoms.

 * Men are mammals and women are femammals.

 * Proteins are composed of a mean old acid.

 * The largest mammals are to be found in the sea because there is
   nowhere else to put them.

 * Involuntary muscles are not as willing as voluntary ones.

 * Methane, a greenhouse gas, comes from the burning of trees and cows.

 * The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top
   and you sit on the bottom.

 * Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

 * Some people say we condescended from the apes.

 * The leopard has black spots which look like round soars on its body.
   Those who catch soars get leprosy.

 * The three cavities of the body are the head cavity, the tooth cavity
   and the abominable cavity.

 * Most books say the sun is a star. But it still knows how to change
   back into the sun in the daytime.

 * Cadavers are dead bodies that have donated themselves to science.
   This procedure is called gross anatomy.

 * A liter is a nest of young baby animals.

 * The earth makes a resolution every 24 hours.

 * Parallel lines never meet unless you bend one or both of them.

 * Algebra was the wife of Euclid.

 * A circle is a figure with 0 corners and only one side.

 * A right angle is 90 degrees Farenhight.

 * Genetics explains why you look like your father and if you don't, why
   you should.

 * A supersaturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

 * The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

 * An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that
   gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

 * If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of
   adolescence.

 * Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure
   gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

 * When oxygen is combined with anything, heat is given off. This is
   known as constipation.

 * As the rain forests in the Amazon are shrinking, so are the Indians.

 * You can listen to thunder after lightning and tell how close you came
   to getting hit. If you don't hear it, you got hit so never mind.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 10:30:45 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Satchel Paige quote

 Satchel Paige:  "Aging is mind over matter.
 If you don't mind, it doesn't matter."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 12:00:27 EST
From:    "Martha E. Frantz" <Martha.E.Frantz@DARTMOUTH.EDU>
Subject: Einstein in heaven <poss. off. to bankers>

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is
not yet ready.  "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory.  We
are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share
the room with others," he is told by the doorman (say his name is
Pete).  Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is
no need to make such a great fuss.  So Pete leads him to the dorm.
They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the  present
inhabitants.  "See, here is your first room mate.  He has an IQ of
180!"
"Why that's wonderful!"  says Albert.  "We can discuss mathematics!"
"And here is your second room mate.  His IQ is 150!"
"Why that's wonderful!" says Albert.  "We can discuss physics!"
"And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!"
"That's wonderful!  We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!"
Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it.
"I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80."
Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest
rates are headed?"

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 14:18:05 -0500
From:    Robert C Oshinsky <oshinskr@FRB.GOV>
Subject: Real News <adult- regarding incest>

     "Haven't I seen you someplace before?"

     MILWAUKEE, Feb 11 (UPI) - A brother and sister who lost custody of
     their 7-month-old son are facing felony charges after a Wisconsin
     judge determined the infant - and the couple's two older children -
     were all conceived in incest.
        The sister testified that she did not know the man was her brother
     when she entered into a relationship with him.  She claimed they met
     in a Texas shopping mall and she only realized the man was her brother
     when she was 4 1/2 months pregnant with their second child.
        The couple lost rights to their 6-year-old daughter last summer
     under the same law, although the mother's attorney is appealing that
     decision.
        The parental rights to their oldest son, now 10, were terminated by
     a Texas court in 1989.


     To recap, when pregnant with their SECOND child, they realized they
     were siblings.  Now, they lost custody of their THIRD child.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 17:55:29 -0500
From:    Helen Hobson <hobie@PATRIOT.NET>
Subject: Smithsonian story (probably not offensive to anyone)

I got this from a friend at work. It's good.  I'm not sure how it made it's
way to the 'net, but I think you'll enjoy it.  As far as I know, this is an
actual letter.  I wonder if the people at the Smithsonian have this set up
as a form letter? :-)

---------And the fun begins here.................

Ok, the story behind this... There's this nutball who digs things
out of his back yard and sends the stuff he finds to the Smithsonian
Institute, labeling them with scientific names, insisting that they
are actual archeological finds. The really weird thing about
these letters is that this guy really exists and does this in his spare
time!


 Paleoanthropology Division
 Smithsonian Institute
 207 Pennsylvania Avenue
 Washington, DC 20078

 Dear Sir:

 Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
 "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull."
  We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination,
  and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
  represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in
  Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears that
  what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety
  one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the
 "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal of
 thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite
 certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in
 the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings.
 However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes
 of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it's modern
 origin:


  1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
     are typically fossilized bone.

  2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
     cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
     identified proto-hominids.

  3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
     consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
     "ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
     wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one of
     the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
     history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
     rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let
     us say that:
             A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie
                doll that a dog has chewed on.
             B. Clams don't have teeth.

 It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your
 request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
 to the heavy load our lab must bear in it's normal operation, and
 partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
 recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
 dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely
 to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny your
 request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
 Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
 the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
 personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
 your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the
 species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really sound
 like it might be Latin.

 However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
 fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a
 hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
 of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
 effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
 special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
 you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
 staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
 digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
 eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
 proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
 Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing
 you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
 fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes
 the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
 discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
 Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

                                Yours in Science,
                                Harvey Rowe
                                Curator, Antiquities


******* Life's great once you pay your dues :-) *******

adams.patriot.net/~hobie -  Hobie's - my corner of the web

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 17:57:39 PST
From:    Elvis Is Dead <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Priest's Child <Off. to religious><adult>

 A woman starts dating a doctor.  Before too long, she becomes
 pregnant and they don't know what to do.  About nine months
 later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest
 goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

 The doctor says to the woman, "I know what we'll do. After
 I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and
 tell him it was a miracle."

 "Do you think it will work?" she asks the doctor. "It's worth
  a try," he says.  So the doctor delivers the baby and then
  operates on the priest.  After the operation he goes in to the
  priest  and says, "Father, you're not going to believe this."

 "What?" says the priest.  "What happened?"

 "You gave birth to a child."

 "But that's impossible!"

 "I just did the operation," insists the doctor.  "It's a miracle!
  Here's your baby."

 About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must
 tell his son the truth.  One day he sits the boy down and says,
 "Son, I have something to tell you.  I'm not your father."

 The son says, "What do you mean, you're not my father?" The
 priest replies, "I'm your mother.  The archbishop is your father."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 20:58:35 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Swedish takeout?

      A guy is walking through Chinatown.  He is fascinated with all the
      Chinese restaurants, the Chinese shops, and the Chinese signs
      and banners on the buildings.  He is having the best time just
      walking and looking.

      He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olaffsen's
      Laundry."  "Hans Olaffsen?" he thinks.  "How in the world does
      that fit in here?"

      So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman
      sitting in the corner.  The visitor asks, "How in the world did
      this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?"

      The old man answers, "Is name of owner."

      The visitor asks, "Well, who in the heck is the owner?"

      "I am he", answers the old man.

      "You?  How in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?"

      The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I
      was standing in line at Documentation Center.  Man in front of me was
      big blonde Swede.  Lady look at him and go, `What your name?'  `He say
      Hans Olaffsen.'  She look at me... `What your name?'  "I say Sam Ting."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 20:30:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Imperial Rhapsody

** Imperial Rhapsody by Queen
**
** (sung to: Bohemian Rhapsody)

LANDO: This is the good life
This is a fantasy
Working on Bespin
An escape from Reality.
LEIA: Open your eyes
Stand up to these guys and see.
LUKE: I'm just a farmboy, I need some sympathy
Cuz who's my dad, I dunno
Little whine, little moan.
HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really matter, to me

PIETT: Vader just killed a man.
Raised an arm up in the air
Now his life is no longer there.
Vader, we had just begun,
And now I've gone and lost the reb-el scum.
Vader, ooooooo.
Didn't mean to make you mad
If I'm not alive again this time tomorrow,
There'll be a new admiral, as if nothing ever happened.

YODA: Too late, my time has come,
Sends shivers down my spine
Body's aching all the time.
LUKE: Goodbye everybody, I've got to go
Gotta leave you all behind and learn the Force.
PIETT: Vader, ooooooooo.
I don't want to die
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all.

LUKE: I see a little silhouetto of a man
Palpatine, Palpatine, can it be the Emperor?
Thunderbolts and lightning, very very hurting me!
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, R2-D2,
R2-D2, Where'd ya go? C-3PO O O O O O OH!
I'm just a farmboy, nobody loves me.
REBELS: He's just a farmboy, with a dead family.
Spare him this life of such mendacity!
HAN: Spice'll come, spice'll go. Jabba let me go.
JABBA: Bo shuda! (NO, we will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: Let me go!
JABBA: Bo shuda! (We will not let you go)
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: WILL NOT LET YOU GO!
HAN: LET ME GO!
JABBA: NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!

C3PO: Oh R2-D2, R2-D2, R2-D2, Come along.
LEIA: C-3PO has a rebel put aside for meeeee, for meeeeee,
for MEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

(Stormtroopers start headbanging)

LUKE: So you say you're the dear old dad of mine?
But you cut my hand off and left me to die!
Oh Vader, can't do this to me, Vader.
I know there's some good, I know there's still some good in you.

OBIWAN: May the Force be with you.
Use the Force to see.
May the Force be with you,
May the Force be with you, alwaaaaaaaaaaaaays.

HAN: Anywhere the Force goes, doesn't really mat-ter,
to meeeeeeee.


---
Question authority! (But raise your hand first.)

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Feb 1997 10:16:35 +0500
From:    "Jahanzeb A. Khan" <jazi@KHI.COMPOL.COM>
Subject: 25 ways to confuse your professor! Part 1/2 ( clean )

I got this from an old friend.


1. Brush your teeth during class.  While doing so, raise your hand as if
you have a question, and mumble your question incoherently while brushing,
spewing othpaste all over the place.  If your professor objects to your
actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.

2. Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far
away from your professor as possible.  While he/she is lecturing, shout
out things like, "What!?" and "Speak up!  You're mumbling!"  If your
professor advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't
because you're scouting the room for assassins."

3. If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and
bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear
your pajamas.  Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the
blankets and act like you're asleep.  Have the alarm set for about two
minutes into class.  When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the
"snooze" button and go back to sleep.  Keep doing so for the duration of
the class.

4. Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple.  Try to
get him/her to "prove" everything to you.  Rant and rave about what a big
liar your professor is.  Yell at students who are taking notes, saying,
"Stop writing down all these lies!"

5. Show up to class about ten minutes late.  Ride into the room on a
bicycle,  yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard.  Get up, take
a seat,  and act like nothing happened.  Do this every day.

6. Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk.  Burn notebooks,
papers, or  whatever you have handy.  Whenever you start a fire, no
matter how small it is, start yelling, "Fire!  Fire!" and run out  of the
room in a panic.  Don't return for the rest of class.

7. Hide somewhere inside the classroom.  Wait for your professor to take
attendance.  Don't come out when he/she calls your name.  Halfway through
class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding!  I'm here!  Fooled you again!"
Sit down and be quiet for the rest of class.

8. Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair.
Throughout  class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please
kill me!"   Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start
walking.  Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to
help you back up.  When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up,
and run home.

9. Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets.  Five minutes into
class,  release the hornets, scream, and run away.

10. Bring a vacuum to class.  Halfway through class, stand up and start
using  it.  If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand
sitting in  this pigsty any longer."  Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.

11. Bring a small cactus to class with you.  Raise your hand, and when
you're called on, say that the cactus has a question.  Turn and look at
the cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something.  After a few
moments, shrug, and wait for your professor to move on.  Do this once a
day, and become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time,
sighing heavily and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak."  When
you leave the room after class, start yelling at the cactus,  "I can't
believe you embarrassed me AGAIN...."

12. Every time your professor stutters, do a shot.  If he/she objects,
explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.

------------------------------

Date:    Wed, 12 Feb 1997 16:34:18 +1100
From:    Mike Laidlaw <mikelaid@COMCIRC.COM.AU>
Subject: The spear gun {poor}

Q. heard about the man man you got shot by the spear gun?

A. ant way He got the point.

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 11 Feb 1997 to 12 Feb 1997
************************************************
