HUMOR Digest - 10 Feb 1997 to 11 Feb 1997
There are 16 messages totalling 573 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Moore on Crime
  2. Ancient Chinese Torture <adult themes, mild adult language, painful to
     Testes>
  3. "News of the Weird"
  4. Medical Advice (risque)
  5. Biggest Business Lies
  6. Obituary
  7. Why men should be built by Fuji (off. to some men)
  8. It's A Wacky World
  9. One-Liners
 10. Humor:Offensive to Scotts-suggestive
 11. TOP TEN REAL REASONS DEION SANDERS RETURNED TO BASEBALL
 12. The Refrigerator
 13. This is Spinal Tap <sexual innuendos>
 14. Martial Arts <offensive to Kung-fu masters, spanish speakers, language>
 15. Valentine's Day Massacre
 16. Glad I'm a Man (off to women)

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Date:    Mon, 10 Feb 1997 03:22:30 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Moore on Crime

*   Mrs. Remirezham telephoned her city councilman and begged for his
  help in getting her husband out of jail.
    "Why is he in prison ?" the councilman asked.
    "He stole 2 bags of groceries." she replied.
    "Well, that doesn't seem too serious.  Is he a decent man ?" asked
  the councilman.
    "He's rotten." she quickly replied, "He beats me and the kids,
  he drinks, he gambles and he's hardly ever home."
     "Why in the world would you want him back ?" the man asked.
     "We're out of groceries again !" she said.
                                - - - - -

* Crime is so bad in Baltimore City Maryland now, I understand even the
  muggers are concerned and traveling only in pairs.
                                - - - - -

* A convicted felon was given ten years w/o parole for his latest crime.
  After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape.  His escape was the lead
  item on the six o'clock news.  Because he had to be careful, he worked
  his way home taking little traveled routes, running across deserted
  fields and taking every precaution he could think of.  Eventually he
  arrived at his house and he rang the bell.  His wife opened the door
  and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing bum !  Where the hell have
  ya been ???  You escaped over six hours ago."
                                - - - - -

* In Columbia Maryland (aka "Yuppie City") people don't worry about crime
  in the streets at all.  The burglars all make house calls.
                                - - - - -

*   I was shocked when I'd heard a friend of mine was in jail.  I called
  his wife to see if I could do anything.  Naturally I asked her how long
  he was going to be incarcerated and what the charge was.
    Without missing a beat, she replied "Oh, only 30 days, and don't worry,
  there's no charge, I understand everything is free."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Feb 1997 16:46:50 +0530
From:    Devesh Agarwal <jesons@CYBERWAY.COM.SG>
Subject: Ancient Chinese Torture <adult themes, mild adult language,
         painful to Testes>

A red-blooded Indian youth was sent on a construction project in to the vast
wilderness of Western China. After a few months on the job, the poor boy
began to get the itch and to work off the tension (thanks to a lack of
women), decided to go for a walk.

Sure enough the boy gets lost. He frantically searches for a way out and
after a long hard search he sees this bleak single light in the distance. He
makes a bee-line for the light and soon arrives at this little cottage in
front which a diminutive elderly gentleman is sitting.

The lad begs for help and seeing his tattered condition the old man obliges
and offers him shelter for the night. "However, I must warn you" says the old
man, "I have a grand daughter. If you lay a finger on her, I will impose on
you the WORSE forms of Chinese torture". The desperate boy readily agrees.

The lad cleans up and sits down to dinner with the old man and his
grand-daughter. Now the girl is one good looking person and the lad is also a
strapping hunk (thanks to hard work at the construction site). The sparks fly
and at night the girl comes to the lad's room and they just can't their
bodies of each other.

In the morning the lad awakens and finds a 50lb rock on his chest. The sign
says "You broke your word. 1st torture...Big Rock on chest.."

The lad gets the rock of his chest and looks for a place to throw it out of.
He spots a window and goes towards it. Near the window is the 2nd sign. "Do
not move any further. 2nd torture, right testicle tied to bed...".

So the boy throws the rock out of the window. At the back of the rock is
another sign. "..Sayonara.., left testicle tied to rock" :)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Feb 1997 05:38:56 -0800
From:    Jay Harman <jharman@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: "News of the Weird"

>From Chuck Shepherd's "News of the Weird"......

Huntsville, Texas, prison inmate Steven Russell escaped in
December when he walked past guards after having colored his
prison whites with a green marking pen so they resembled
hospital scrubs.  He was soon recaptured.  However, David A.
Neel, 48, service a life sentence at a prison in Point of the
Mountain, Utah, did not even make it out the gate in his
December escape attempt because a guard thought something
looked funny about the United Parcel Service box into which
Neel had had himself sealed.

Michael Anderson Godwin made News of the Weird
posthumously in 1989.  He had spent several years awaiting
South Carolina's electric chair on a murder conviction before
having his sentence reduced to life in prison.  In March 1989,
sitting on a metal toilet in his cell and attempting to fix
his small TV set, he bit into a wire and was electrocuted.
On January 1, `997, Laurence Baker, also a convicted murderer
once on death row but later service a life sentence at the
state prison in Pittsburgh, Pa., was electrocuted by his
homemake earphones as he watched his small TV while sitting
on his metal toilet!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Feb 1997 08:38:33 -0500
From:    Bob Nordvall <bnordval@GETTYSBURG.EDU>
Subject: Medical Advice (risque)

A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in
their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he
could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave
them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests
and then concluded, "Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help
you."

"On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy
some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and
you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye
in your wife's love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to
her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.

"Then next, ma'am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room
toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole.

Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut."
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful.

They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good
doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the
case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical
exams and the same battery of tests.

Then he told the Greens the bad news. "I cannot help you, so I will not
take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be.
I cannot help.

"The Greens pleaded with him, and said, "You helped our friends the Browns,
now please, please help us."

"Well, all right", the doctor said. "On your way home from the office
stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios..."

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Feb 1997 09:03:46 -0500
From:    "Mr. Witsky" <glowatz@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Biggest Business Lies

BIGGEST LIES TOLD IN BUSINESS

1. The bottom line isn't everything.

2. For us, advertising isn't an expense, but an investment.

3. I've gotten to the point where I don't have to kiss ass anymore.


http://www.pipeline.com/~glowatz

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Feb 1997 09:36:29 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Obituary

 Veteran Pillsbury spokesman, Pop N. Fresh, died Wednesday of a severe
 yeast infections. He was 71. Dozens of celebrities truned out for his
 funeral,including Mrs. Butterworth, The California Raisins, Hungry Jack,
 Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.  The graveside was billed high
 with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy,
 describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded". Fresh rose
 quickly in show business but his later life was filled with turnovers.
 He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on
 half-baked schemes.  Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll
 model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two
 children and one in the oven.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Feb 1997 09:48:35 -0500
From:    Terry Galan <galante@MCMAIL.CIS.MCMASTER.CA>
Subject: Why men should be built by Fuji (off. to some men)

               WHY MEN SHOULD BE BUILT BY FUJI. . .

 - They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used;

 - You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot;

 - They last longer and come with a warranty;

 - You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and
   return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle;

 - They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it;

 - They come in fashion colors;

 - You can keep them in maximum zoom;

 - They come with replacable or adjustable parts;

 - The parts that counts are portable;

 - They don't mind over-exposure;

 - They respond to the slightest touch;

 - The one you want is available at a KMART near you;

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Feb 1997 10:15:09 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

                     Strange Figure Was Not Clowning Around


SAN ANTONIO -- U.S. Border Patrol helicopter pilot
Mike Johnson thought he'd
seen it all --until he encountered a homesick clown.

 Johnson, who has worked with the Border Patrol for 15 years in four states, was
flying Tuesday along the Rio Grande, south of Del Rio, when a man in the
clown suit came into sight.

 "I spotted this guy sitting on the levee of the irrigation canal on the
U.S. side, and he had on bright red pants and a multicolored shirt,"
Johnson said.

 Circling lower, Johnson got a better look "I noticed he had white makeup
on his face, a blue nose and a rainbow-colored wig, and I said to myself,
`I've never seen this before,' " he said.

 The clown did not try to flee toward Mexico, a couple of hundred yards
away, Johnson said. Johnson radioed two agents on the ground nearby to
respond. "He stood up," he said. "He was waving and basically clowning
around."

 The man identified himself as a professional clown from Honduras. He said
he'd put on the clown garb to get the attention of the pilot because he was
tired
and wanted to return to his family in Honduras. The man, whose name was not
released, was being detained Wednesday,pending deportation proceedings.

Source: Houston Chronicle

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Feb 1997 12:21:36 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: One-Liners

	[Personal Message deleted for Archival Purposes]

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Feb 1997 15:09:59 EST
From:    JOHN STONE <JSTONE@LETTERKENN-EMH1.ARMY.MIL>
Subject: Humor:Offensive to Scotts-suggestive

Do you know the difference between a Scottsman and the Rolling Stones?

The Stones say "Hey, you, get off of my cloud"

The Scott says "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe"

(for those who don't know, a ewe is a female sheep)

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Feb 1997 17:47:16 -0500
From:    Ken Carll <KenwoodPI@AOL.COM>
Subject: TOP TEN REAL REASONS DEION SANDERS RETURNED TO BASEBALL

TOP TEN REAL REASONS DEION SANDERS RETURNED TO BASEBALL

10. Deion ran out of "homer hankies" for his head

 9. He doe$n't know which $port he like$ be$t

 8. He's always wanted to fish at Riverfront.

 7. Marge Schott accepts checks without an ID

 6. To raise capital for the Dallas Cowboys team bail fund

 5. To prove he can't hit a baseball either...

 4. Tim McCarver doesn't visit football locker rooms!

 3. So many pretty pinstripe suits, so few football games.

 2. Marge offered him two free Chevrolet cars!

 1. He'd rather hit the ball, than bawl when hit.

Copyright Extreme Fans, Inc. 1996.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Feb 1997 17:41:48 PST
From:    Elvis Is Dead <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: The Refrigerator

It got crowded in heaven, so it was decided only to accept people  who'd
really had a bad day on the day they died.  St. Peter was standing at the
pearly gates and said to the first man: "Tell me about the day you died".

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having  an
affair, so I came home early to catch her.  I searched all over the
apartment and couldn't find him anywhere.  So I went out on the balcony --
we live on the 25th floor -- and found this man hanging over the edge by
his fingertips.  I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his
hands.  He fell but landed in some bushes.  So I got the refrigerator
and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him.  The strain of the
act gave me a heart attack, and I died."

St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day and that it was
a crime of passion, so he let the man in.  He then asked the next man
in line about his day.

"Well, sir, it was awful", said the second man.  "I was doing aerobics
on the balcony of my 26th-floor apartment when I slipped over the edge.
I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac
came out and started pounding my fingers.  I landed on some bushes. But
then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really
start to enjoy this job.

"Tell me about the day you died", he said to the third man in line.

"OK, picture this.  I'm naked, hiding inside of a refrigerator..."

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 09:20:00 +1000
From:    "Roland, Andrew J" <ARoland@NCRPBILL.TELSTRA.COM.AU>
Subject: This is Spinal Tap <sexual innuendos>

        I have seen the film This is Spinal Tap several times. For those of you
who don't know the film it is a send up of heavy metal bands. In the
file there is a fictitious band called Spinal Tap who are an English
heavy metal band touring the US and the tour goes from bad to hell. I
thought the song "Big Bottoms" was hilarious and I have the lyrics here:

BIG BOTTOMS
        words and music by Spinal Tap

The bigger the cushion,
The sweeter the pushin
That's what I said.

The looser the waistband,
The deeper the quicksand
Or so I have read.

My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo.
I like to sink her with my pink torpedo.

Big bottom.
Big bottom.
Talk about bum cakes,
My girl's got 'em.
Big bottom, drive me out of my mind.
How can I leave this behind?

I saw her on Monday,
Twas my lucky bum day.
You know what I mean.

I love her each weekday,
Each velvety cheekday.
You know what I mean.

My love gun's loaded and she's in my sights.
Big game is waiting there inside her tights.

Big bottom.
Big bottom.
Talk about mudflaps,
My gal's got 'em.
Big bottom, drive me out of my mind.
How can I leave this behind?

My baby fits me like a flesh tuxedo.
I like to sink her with my pink torpedo.

Big bottom.
Big bottom.
Talk about bum cakes,
My girl's got 'em.
Big bottom, drive me out of my mind.
How can I leave this behind?

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Feb 1997 18:38:25 -0500
From:    Igor Immerman <IgorMan@AOL.COM>
Subject: Martial Arts <offensive to Kung-fu masters, spanish speakers, language>

1. I was walking one night home in one of the dangerous parts of the city.
   Suddenly, these two guys jump out, yielding a knife, and say; "Give us
   your money."  And I say, "listen, guys, you don't wanna mess with me.
   I know Mexican judo."  And they say "What the fuck is that shit?!  We
   aint never heard of no shit like that."  And I say, "I'm telling you
   guys, I know mexican judo.  Better leave me alone."  and they say:
   "Shut up and give us the money."  And I say. "That's it!!!

   I know that judon't know I got a gun!" 


2. So ya know, I've been taking these kung-fu classes lately.  I must say,
   they are great.  Teach you how to be as powerful as a tiger, as quick
   as a monkey, as smart as a dragon.  Why just the other day, these guys
   came up to me with a knife and demanded money.

   So, I turned into  a chicken and ran!!!!!!

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Feb 1997 19:38:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Valentine's Day Massacre

V a l e n t i n e ' s    D a y   M a s s a c r e

"There will at least be 150 hackers rioting," the e-mail message read.
Warning of a February 14 wilding on AOL at 9:00, it promised hacker
hordes descending on chat rooms and using special tools to cancel user
accounts en masse.  "They will totally clear out all of the lobbies,"
the message cautioned.  "So beware and don't sign on. And don't spread
the word because it is the only way to be able to sign on again with no
busy signals. Only tell your friends..."

By last Friday at least 800 users had received the message.  A February
2 e-mail expanded its scope.  "Among plans of revolters are mail bombs,
viruses, and attempts to sign off other members," it projected.  Two
days later the message had been forwarded to at least 114 users. "Do not
make yourself a victim on the day of love!"

That e-mail contained the text of a new warning--which broadened the
length of the attack.  "THERE IS GOING TO BE A RIOT FEB 14 OF HACKERS SO
I WOULD NOT GET ON THAT WHOLE DAY," its latest incarnation read.  "I AM
TELLING YOU THIS BECAUSE YOU ARE MY FRIENDS AND I DON'T WANT YOUR COM TO
GET EVICTED FROM A HACKERS IDEA OF A FUN TIME."  It re-iterated the
forwarder's warnings of mailbombings, viruses, and forced sign-offs.
"SO IF I WERE YOU I WOULD TELL ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS AND FORWARD THIS TO
AS MANY PEOPLE AS POSABAL," the message continued, "AND CLEER OUT YOUR
MAIL BOXES THE DAY BEFORE AND DONT READ ANYTHING THE DAY AFTER JUST
DELET IT ALL. THIS IS NOT A JOKE PLESES SEND IT TO AS MANY PEOPLE AS
SOON AS YOU CAN!"

"I am amazed at HOW stupid AOL users are," one recipient commented.
While mailbombs are always possible, viruses or account terminations
probably wouldn't reach the users. "They should know unless they
download what is sent to them, they are NOT going to get a virus."

"We have never had an occurrence of a virus being spread through simply
reading email," AOL said in a statement in 1994.  That December the
comp.risks digest had discussed the possibility of executable e-mail
messages.  Within 24 hours, one reader complained they'd been
"inundated" with bogus alerts about a virus sent in an e-mail message
with the subject "Good Times" which erased hard drives if it was read.
"There are idiots in the world who think it's awfully funny to cry
'Wolf' as soon as someone else notices that it's theoretically possible
that wolves exist," another reader commented.
(http://catless.ncl.ac.uk/Risks/16.61.html#subj6)

=====

THE LAST LAUGH

AOL's refund line greets callers with pitches for their service.  "Thank
you for calling America Online.  We value your membership--and we're
working around the clock to prove it!"

Late-night callers are then told to call back during business hours.


---
Kids: don't try this at home.

------------------------------

Date:    Tue, 11 Feb 1997 01:17:41 -0500
From:    Cereal Killer <lvermont@UWIMONA.EDU.JM>
Subject: Glad I'm a Man (off to women)

[from joke-list@bucket.org]

        ***   MAN, I'M GLAD I'M A MAN, MAN

        Everyday I give thanks to God
        I was born a man instead of a broad
        When Oprah comes on, I turn off the TV
        I don't shave my legs, I stand up to pee
        I go to a barber, not a beauty salon
        Don't pluck out my eyebrows just to draw them back on
        Don't wax my pubes so I can wear shorts
        I use my turn signal, I understand sports

        Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
        Tell you the reason I am
        I don't go through a faze every 28 days

        Man, I'm glad I'm a man
        I pay cash at the grocery, no checks or coupons
        Don't take a lot of friends when I go the the john
        I don't throw a fit when I break a nail
        I don't buy a lot of shoes just because they're on sale
        I don't apply makeup in my rear-view mirror
        I don't think of Bambi when I'm out hunting deer
        I drink beer from a bottle, not from a glass
        I don't ask my friends about the size of my ass

        Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
        Tell you the reason I am
        I don't face the pain of water-weight gain
        Man, I'm glad I'm a man

        Let me tell you ladies
        Listen to me ladies
        I love those things inside of your blouse
        I love your pretty faces
        Your warm and soft embraces
        But if I had my own two boobs, I'd never leave the house

        I don't spend two hours getting ready for a date
        I don't play with dolls unless they inflate
        When someone asks me my age, I never lie
        After sex in bed, my spot's always dry
        I don't read about orgasms in Vogue magazines
        I don't mind if my dates try to get in my jeans
        I don't spend a fortune on French lingerie
        This is the same underwear I wore yesterday

        Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
        Tell you the reason I am
        I don't take a pill, I don't use Massengill
        Man, I'm glad I'm a man

        Man, I'm glad I'm a man, man
        Tell you the reason I am
        I find Michael Bolton completely revoltin'
        Man, I'm glad I'm a man

By Noraz

------------------------------

End of HUMOR Digest - 10 Feb 1997 to 11 Feb 1997
************************************************
