HUMOR Digest - 9 Feb 1997 to 10 Feb 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 459 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Not long now... <adult humor>
  2. Nun humor - Offensive to the faithful
  3. Monkey Meat Anyone? <off. to Karens>
  4. a clockwork deal <no off>
  5. It's A Wacky World
  6. In The News - Humorous New Quips Again...
  7. Position no. 71 <bad, bad language>
  8. Aliterated Prodigal Son
  9. Security Vetting.........Clean
 10. Chinese-German restaurant
 11. Two bums walking <offensive & disgusting>
 12. Dutch Girls on Bicycles
 13. A Very Bad Star Wars/Star Trek Pun
 14. <HUMOUR> The Grapes of Wrath - for wine drinkers

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Date:    Sun, 9 Feb 1997 02:53:58 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Not long now... <adult humor>

     A man goes to his doctor for his annual physical, complaining of
  all kinds of mysterious ailments -- lack of sleep, no drive, very
  little appetite, nervous, etc.  After a complete exam, the doctor can
  find nothing physically wrong and suspects the man is suffering from
depression.  The two had been friends for many years, so the doctor did
  not hesitate to ask the man about his personal life.
     "Well, if you must know," said the patient, "I cannot stand my wife.
  She's made my life unbearable.  I fantasize all the time about killing
  that damn witch.  In fact, if you are truly my friend, you'll give me
  some kind of untraceable poison to give her, so I may end my misery."
     The doctor explained that not only was that illegal, it would, in
  fact, violate his oath to save lives.  He said, "Besides, you'll get
  life in prison yourself, at best.  I'll tell ya what though, I can
  give you this powerful aphrodisiac to slip into her coffee. You can
  then 'love her to death'.  No jury in the world is going to convict a
  man for loving his wife too much.  She'll be gone in a month at best."
     The man blessed the doctor, went home and started putting the love
  elixir in his wife's coffee the very next morning.
     Three weeks later, the doctor hasn't heard a word from his friend,
  and becomes concerned.  After office hours, he stops by his friend's
  house to see if all is well.  He finds his friend sitting on the sun
  deck, wrapped in a blanket, even though it's a warm Spring day.  The
  man's face was gaunt and pale, he'd lost Lord knows how much weight,
  and looked terrible.  The doctor asked, "What the Hell happened ???"
    The man said, "I followed your advice to the letter.  That woman
  and I made love like a pair of crazed rabbits, day and nite."  Then,
  he chuckled, causing a terrible wheeze.
     Just then the wife appeared from inside the house.  All slim and
  trim and dressed in tennis clothes; smiling, she said she was off
  for a few sets of tennis.  As she leaped into her new sports car, her
  husband cackled and said to the doctor, "Look at that dumb crazy bitch.
  She hasn't a lick of sense.  If she only knew she has less than a week
  to live, she wouldn't be so God damn frisky."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Feb 1997 07:51:21 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: Nun humor - Offensive to the faithful

Two nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome
one late afternoon.  As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts
making one of the nuns a little nervous.

She leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've never come this way
before."

The other nun nods and says, "It's the cobblestones."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Feb 1997 05:54:37 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: Monkey Meat Anyone? <off. to Karens>

       Karens in Suphanburi in about 1840 treated  the Thai poet, Sunthon
Phu, to a feast of squash curry, leafy vegetables, chilis, egg-plant, salted lizard and what was probably roasted dusky leaf monkey.  The poet wrote  that the monkey was disgusting but that he  tried to hide his feelings (Sunthon Phu 1841:  p. 48).

      Karens in Burma have a special way of preparing dusky leaf monkey that is
supposed to be edible only to Karens raised on the dish.  One starts by
throwing the monkey on a fire to singe off the fur and then gutting it.  The
animal was not completely eviscerated, how ever, for left were the entire
small intestine  and most of the large intestine, including some chyme.
Only the hard stool was discarded.  They then chopped the monkey into small
pieces and prepared it with a salty  sauce over a smoky fire.  According to
Karens, this dish will keep for weeks, if not months,  but has a smell that
only a few can tolerate.

      There are very few dusky leaf monkeys  remaining today in the forests
of northern Thailand and many Karens in Thailand claim  never to have heard of this dish and certainly have never eaten it.  There were Karens in the  past, though, who ate raw monkey.  A British  officer in Burma wrote that he was sickened  "by seeing the Karens devour the raw and bloody entrails of a monkey. . . just shot. They swallowed the intestine au naturel like  macaroni." (Fytche 1878 Vol 1:pp. 332-333)

Dr. Ronald D. Renard
Payap University, Chiangmai

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Date:    Sun, 9 Feb 1997 17:21:18 +0100
From:    Theo Legters <tlegters@GLOBALXS.NL>
Subject: a clockwork deal <no off>


Sammy has stolen the rabbi's gold watch.
He didn't feel too good about it, so he decided, after a sleepless night,
to go  to the rabbi.
'Rabbi, I stole a gold watch.'
'But Sammy ! That's forbidden! You should return it immediately !'
'What shall I do ?'
'Give it back to the owner.'
'Do you want it ?'
'No, I said return it to its owner.'
'But he doesn't want it.'
'In that case, you can keep it.'

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Date:    Sun, 9 Feb 1997 12:48:32 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This story brings new meaning to the old complaint:
"Waiter! -- there's a fly in my soup!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Warning -- May be offensive to those with sensitve stomachs.

              U.S. Restaurant Chain Settles Over Condom In Pie

  TAMPA, Fla. (Reuter) - A restaurant chain that had been sued by a Florida
man who claimed he found a used condom in his sweet potato pie said it had
decided not to fight the man's lawsuit.

 "After careful consideration, the management of (Morrison's Fresh
Cooking), has earlier this evening decided not to fight a lawsuit filed by
one Florid resident who claimed that he had 'found' a foreign object during
a meal which he purchased at a Morrison's restaurant," the restaurant said
in a statement that was issued late Friday.

 The company said it had reached the decision to settle the suit only with
difficulty. But, it said, "In such a case, it is sometimes better to come
to some kind of accommodation than to embark on a costly and protracted
legal proceeding."

 Details of the settlement were not released.

 The lawsuit filed in Polk County Circuit Court in late January claimed Dalvin
 Stokes and his wife Carolyn were eating dinner at a Morrison's cafeteria
in Winter Haven, Florida, last March when Dalvin dug into his dessert and
came up with a condom, R. Scott Bunn, Dalvin's attorney, said.

 It "had the appearance of having been utilized for its intended purpose," the
complaint said.

 Atlanta-based Morrison's, which operates 155 Morrison's cafeterias in the
South, had denied the allegations, saying in a statement there were
"discrepancies between Mr. Stokes' attorney and ourselves concerning the
events and the object in question."

 Stokes' lawsuit had demanded damages in excess of $15,000 on the grounds
of mental anguish and emotional distress, saying he had spent much of the
last year waiting for the results of medical tests, which came back
negative.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Feb 1997 11:27:59 -0800
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous New Quips Again...

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times
(Catching up after being offline for awhile...)

WARNING - May be offensive to people with Alzheimers disease and their
family or friends, people wrongfully accused of bombing public places
during public events, men in prison, New Yorkers, agents, cable TV
installers, Romanians, HMO's, eccentric actors. Includes reference to
drug use and rape in prison.

Ronald Reagan celebrated his 86th birthday Friday. People all over the
world celebrated by forgetting it. (rec.humor.funny)

Lyle Menendez, in prison for murdering his parents, married a model.
After the ceremony, he spent a romantic evening being raped by two
large cellmates. (SNL)

The newly FDA approved home drug testing kit parents can use to test
their kids is an interesting test - you give your kid an empty milk
carton. If he makes a bong out of it, he may be on some kind of drug.
(Leno)

New York became the 20th state to sue the tobacco industry, saying
tobacco is the number 2 killer of New Yorkers. The number 1 killer of
New Yorkers is other New Yorkers.

Scientists at the University of Michigan predict that the universe will
disintegrate in 30 billion years. Stars will only last another 100
trillion years. Hopefully, agents will not last much longer than that.

Five HMO's are threatening to leave Los Angeles unless they get tax
relief. They insist that the present tax structure lowers their profits
from obscene to merely unconscionable.

Archeologists have discovered the existence of an ancient frankincense
trail in the Middle East. In a related story, researchers in Romania
have found a mountain path believed to be the Frankenstein trail.

Residents in Santa Fe New Mexico are complaining that Shirley MacLaine
is not paying enough in property taxes. A spokesman for the actress
says the reason her $1.5 million mountaintop ranch is assessed at only
$107,643 is that it was appraised three lives ago.

Sylvester Stallone sold his house in Los Angeles at a $500,000 loss.
The value dropped when critics said that despite flash and special
effects, the house lacked substance.

Pat Boone's new heavy metal album continues to sell well. He's even
making some changes  in his Las Vegas act. Halfway through the show, he
bites the head off a live gummy bear.

A sequel to "Rosemary's Baby" is in the works. Mia Farrow has been
offered a role, but she insists that the devil be portrayed as a
glasses wearing, cradle robbing, neurotic New York filmmaker.

20th Century Fox has agreed to purchase Richard Jewell's life story for
$500,000. Geez, imagine how much he could have gotten if he actually
HAD one.

Fortune magazine reports that 65 million US homes have cable TV.
Another 65 million are waiting for the cable guy to show up.

The TravelLodge motel chain is promoting its "sleepy bear den" rooms,
designed for kids. Instead of a foil wrapped mint on the pillow,
there's a half eaten lollipop stuck to it. Each room features a sign on
the wall that says, "YES! We're THERE!"

And finally, two 800 pound bronze cannons were recovered from a ship
sunk in 1687 off the Gulf of Texas. The remarkably preserved gun
barrels still bear the crest of King Louis XIV and the manufacturer's
logo, "Le Special du Saturday Nuit".

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Feb 1997 15:35:34 -0500
From:    Lord Julus <ionifl@PCNET.PCNET.RO>
Subject: Position no. 71 <bad, bad language>

Q: Which is position 71 ?
A: It's position 69 with two fingers in the ass.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Feb 1997 12:33:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Aliterated Prodigal Son

Aliterated Prodigal Son

The Final Fixing of the Foolish Fugitive

Feeling footloose, fancy-free and frisky, this feather-brained fellow
finagled his fond father into forking over his fortune.  Forthwith, he
fled for foreign fields and frittered his farthings feasting fabulously
with fair-weather friends. Finally, fleeced by those folly filled
fellows and facing famine, he found himself a feed flinger in a filthy
farm-lot.  He fain would have filled his frame with foraged food from
fodder fragments.

"Fooey!  My father's flunkies fare far fancier," the frazzled
fugitive fumed feverishly, frankly facing fact.

Frustrated from failure and filled with forebodings, he fled for his
family.  Falling at his father's feet, he floundered forlornly. "Father,
I have flunked and fruitlessly forfeited further family favors ..."

But the faithful father, forestalling further flinching,
frantically flagged his flunkies to fetch forth the finest fatling and
fix a feast.

But the fugitive's fault finding frater , faithfully farming his
father's fields for free, frowned at this fickle forgiveness of former
falderal. His fury flashed, but fussing was futile.

His foresighted father figured, "Such filial fidelity is fine, but
what forbids fervent festivities?  The fugitive is found!  Unfurl the
flags!  With fanfare flaring, let fun, frolic and frivolity flow freely,
former failures forgotten and folly forsaken.  Forgiveness forms a firm
foundation for future fortitude."

Originally composed by Rev. W. O. Taylor, quoted in More Holy Humor, Cal
and Rose Samra, Thomas Nelson Publishers, ISBN 0-7852-7156-2, modified
by Robert Woodman.

---
Did you hear about the new deli that opened in India?

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Feb 1997 17:14:12 -0500
From:    Andy Lodge <ALodge8719@AOL.COM>
Subject: Security Vetting.........Clean

This is true but it did give me a laugh during a boring day in the office

UK Govenment security clearance questionnaire ref 028-2201 asks on page 5

Have you ever been involved in:

                              Yes               No
Espionage

Terrorism

Sabotage

The following thoughts spring to mind:-

Its nice to think that the security on the Nation relies on spies who are
either honest or so stuipid they tell the truth (No wonder we lost the
Empire)

Where in  the KGB's operational handbook did it cover answering difficult
questions such as these.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Feb 1997 18:17:02 -0600
From:    Les Pourciau at UMem <POURCIAU@MSUVX1.MEMPHIS.EDU>
Subject: Chinese-German restaurant

   No, I didn't.  But I *did* hear about the Chinese-German restaurant
   that opened recently in San Francisco.  You can go there, eat your
   fill, and within an hour be hungry again ----- for power!
----

  Did you hear about the new deli that opened in India?

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Feb 1997 21:30:57 -0500
From:    lba <lba@HOFLINK.COM>
Subject: Two bums walking <offensive & disgusting>

        Two bums were walking along the side of a rural road, where one
spotted the roadkill of a squirrel in the middle of the road.

        The bum bent over, picked it up and proceeded to eat it, hair, bones
and all.

        His counterpart was digusted, but said nothing, and, so, they
continued on for a while.

        Several hours later, the first bum noticed the roadkill of a cat
directly on the center line. He ambled over to it, picked it up, and
continued to munch on it as they walked together. The second bum kept on
nagging him about eating something as disgusting as roadkill.

        Shortly after he was finished injesting the eviscerated cat, the bum
started turning pale, and, wretching violently, projectile vomited his guts
onto the pavement.

        Immediately, the second bum got on all fours and started lapping up
the vomit.

        Startled, the first bum asked, "What the hell are you doing?"

        To which, the second bum replied, "I never turn down a warm meal."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Feb 1997 22:11:31 PST
From:    Elvis Is Dead <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Dutch Girls on Bicycles

Two Dutch girls are riding their old rickety bikes down the back streets
of Amsterdam one late afternoon.  As it turns closer towards dusk, the
increasing darkness of the streets starts making the two girls a little
nervous when one girl leans over to the other and says, "You know, I've
never come this way before."

The other girl says, "It's the cobblestones."

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Feb 1997 22:28:14 EST
From:    Billy J Phillips <bjphillips@JUNO.COM>
Subject: A Very Bad Star Wars/Star Trek Pun

The Millennium Falcon or the U.S.S. Defiant - which one would be
victorious if they ever faced off in a battle? I'm not exactly sure, but
one advantage that the Defiant would have over the Falcon is that the
Defiant has a cloaking device that would make it appear invisible to the
Falcon. The Defiant, when cloaked, could simply sneak up on the Falcon
when it wasn't Wookin'.

------------------------------

Date:    Mon, 10 Feb 1997 14:20:22 -0800
From:    Mike Robertshaw <mrobert@OLIV1.OLI.HK>
Subject: <HUMOUR> The Grapes of Wrath - for wine drinkers

1996 will be remembered for:

"The introduction of 'doggy bottles' for French diners so they can take
the remainder of their Beaujolias home and not risk being over the
drink-drive limit.
The decision by Stockholm transport authorities to use cheap Spanish
wine to power 82 of their buses.
The marketing of genuine 'Lesbian-produced' wine in Germany, guaranteed
to be untouched by male hands.
The recall of 30000 bottles of 1993 Chateau Mouton-Rothschild from
America because protesters claimed the label - showing a delicate nude
by the artist, Balthus - was 'an enticement for child abuse'.
And the invention in Japan of a woman's bra which features two little
compartments for warming sake wine, one in each 'cup'."

"...Trolling the wine shelves in six countries this year, I have spotted
absolutely genuine vintages labelled Chateau de Tremble, Buzbag, El
Bollox, Coma, El Baterio, Latrun, Arses Rioja - you had a choice between
white Arses , red Arses and rose Arses - and my newest discovery, BSE
rouge."

"She [Dorothy Parker] was once persuaded to try a vile home-made brew by
her hosts, who had converted their garden in Tuscany into a miniature
vineyard.
'Where on earth does this wine come from?', she gasped, as the tannin
ate into the enamel of her gritted teeth. 'From our own garden', beamed
her hosts, with all the smug self-satisfaction of home wine-makers.
'Doesn't travel', said Dorothy."

Taken from Perrot Philips article in the Expat Investor.

And now a couple of wine observations from my year in Nigeria:

The supermarkets there sold the older wines at a reduced price since
they obviously were no good as no-one had bought them yet.

The hotel restaurant insisted on keeping all wines, including the reds,
in the fridge on the basis that people only wanted cold drinks in the
tropics. The bottles would appear covered in frost. However, after great
argument and protests of disbelief from the wine waiter we were able to
get our bottles from the trolley, kept in the restaurant, used to
display what wines were available. Of course we were given a discount
since the wine was served warm.

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End of HUMOR Digest - 9 Feb 1997 to 10 Feb 1997
***********************************************
