HUMOR Digest - 8 Feb 1997 to 9 Feb 1997
There are 14 messages totalling 709 lines in this issue.

Topics of the day:

  1. Ask a Stupid Question, and ...
  2. Parenthood - 3 of 3  <clean>
  3. The trunk
  4. It's A Wacky World
  5. I am My Own Grandpa
  6. Humor: Geekonics
  7. bad day
  8. Former candidate <risque> <political; may offend Republicans>
  9. Southern Hospitality <adult>
 10. Rabbi & Priest. ( off. to both parties )
 11. Indian Spoken-English humor & Big America article
 12. In The News - Humorous News Quips
 13. "Love Me, I'm a Liberal," by Phil Ochs
 14. Thoughts on the Nature of the Universe

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Feb 1997 02:36:18 -0500
From:    Jim Moore Jr <jimjr@PIPELINE.COM>
Subject: Ask a Stupid Question, and ...

*  I just love to fill out stupid questions on forms with equally
   stupid answers.  Thought I'd share a few with you this morning:

        Form: Length of Residence...
   My Answer: 73 feet

        Form: Are you a leader or a follower ?
   My Answer: A leader, but w/o many followers

        Form: Reason for requesting employment
   My Answer: Money

        Form: Pet Aversions
   My Answer: None, I love animals

        Form: Beneficiary
   My Answer: Wife
        Form: Relationship
   My Answer: Strained

        Form: Purpose of withdraw
   My Answer: Get money to spend

        Form: Person to notify in Case of Accident
   My Answer: Anyone in sight

        Form: Number of passengers in vehicle during accident
   My Answer: Three
        Form: Disposition of passengers
   My Answer: Mad as Hell !

        Form: Number of employees in your office, broken down by sex
   My Answer: None that I know of, Liquor a much larger problem


- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Enjoy jokes ?  Visit me @
http://www.corpcomm.net/~llittle/jimmy.html

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Feb 1997 09:49:01 +0200
From:    Maurizio Mariotti <mariotti@IAFRICA.COM>
Subject: Parenthood - 3 of 3  <clean>

Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you
can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your
week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for
everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this
do not even contemplate having children.

Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from
the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy
Weetabix and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by pretending to
be an aeroplane. Continue until half the Weetabix is gone. Tip the rest
into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls on the floor. You are
now ready to feed a  12- month old baby.

Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing "Postman Pat"
at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Feb 1997 10:25:57 -0500
From:    "Sarah W. Soderlund" <sarahsod@CROSSLINK.NET>
Subject: The trunk

One day, a recently married man goes to the attic of his new home to
put a few things in storage. While he is there, he notices a large steamer
trunk sitting in the corner. When he tries to open it, he finds it is
locked.  Puzzled and curious, he calls his new bride up to the attic and
asks her about the trunk. She tells him that it is hers and that it only
contains some personal things. He accepts her answer and eventually
forgets all about the matter.
    Three years later when he is cleaning out the attic, he runs across
the trunk and again asks his wife what's in it. She again tells him
that it contains only personal things, but this time he is more
persistent. So she sits him down and reminds him that she makes him happy
when he's feeling down, that she keeps the house meticulously clean, that
she cooks him fantastic meals 7 days a week, and that she gives him all
the sex he wants, anytime he wants it. Then she tells him if he is happy
with all of those things, that he should forget about the trunk because
she will not talk about it.  "Fair enough," says the husband, and he
finishes cleaning out the attic.
    On their 25th wedding anniversary, he pulls the trunk down the stairs,
into the middle of the living room floor, and calls to his wife.  "Honey,"
he says, "we've been married for 25 years and I think it's time we had a
heart-to-heart talk. What the hell is in that trunk?" The wife immediately
protests, reminding him once again about the clean house,the good food
and the great sex.  "I don't care," he tells her. "After 25 years we ought
to be able to talk about anything. Now open this goddamn trunk!" So, she
takes a key from a chain hanging around her neck and opens the trunk.
Inside is three ears of corn and $34,000 dollars in cash.
    "Jeez!" shouts the surprised husband. "What's going on here? Where
did all of this come from?" "Well, sweetie," replies the wife, "you
said we could talk, so I'll tell you what you want to know. Over the
years, I tried to stay faithful to you, but I wasn't always successful.
Every time that I cheated on you, I put an ear of corn into the trunk."
The husband cannot believe the shocking confession that he has just heard,
but after mulling it over in his mind for a few moments he says to his
wife, "All right, I admit I'm not too thrilled about this, but I did say
we should be honest with each other, and I guess I can live with three
times of infidelity in 25 years.  But where did all the money come from?"
"Well," she replies, "whenever the trunk got full, I sold the corn."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Feb 1997 09:49:34 -0600
From:    "Ken Brousseau Sr." <kenbruso@IO.COM>
Subject: It's A Wacky World

                     Buckyballs Make Waves In Texas

 By TODD ACKERMAN
 Copyright 1997 Houston Chronicle

 Sit back, tip your hat, look at the big Texas sky and think about
bluebonnets, armadillos and chili, those official state symbols guaranteed
to swell any true Lone Star heart.

 And while you're at it, don't forget a nod to the buckyball, expected to
soon become the official state molecule.

 Say what?

 That's right, that miracle form of carbon discovered by two Rice University
professors is about to enter the state pantheon that now doesn't get much more
scientific than Sideoats grama, Texas' state grass.

 Four months after buckyballs earned Rick Smalley and Robert Curl the Nobel
Prize in chemistry, state. Rep Scott Hochberg is preparing to introduce a
resolution before the Legislature to make it the state molecule, the
nation's first such.

 "Buckyballs are a homegrown discovery that should be a big part of the
state's future," said Hochberg, D-Houston, a 1975 Rice alumnus. "Making it
the state molecule is a fun thing to do, but it also has a serious side:
letting people know that Texas is a leader in chemical, electronics,
aerospace and energy industries."

 For the uninitiated, a buckyball consists of 60 atoms arranged in hexagons and
pentagons resembling a soccer ball. Thinner than a human hair yet 100 times
stronger than steel, they are expected someday to conduct electricity
without resistance,deliver medicine into the body and even carry elevators
into space.

 "We adopt these state designations all the time and, except for state
animals, never encounter any debate," said Hochberg. "I can't imagine
anyone challenging buckyballs -- unless some other university has a
molecule they think is better."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Feb 1997 08:23:10 -0800
From:    Charles Tidwell <charlest@LOCALACCESS.COM>
Subject: I am My Own Grandpa

	[Post deleted for archival purposes]
------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Feb 1997 09:27:00 -0600
From:    Randall Woodman <randall.woodman@LUNATIC.COM>
Subject: Humor: Geekonics

NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of children who
have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San
Jose, Calif., has officially designated computer English, or
"Geekonics", as a second language.

The historic vote on Geekonics -- a combination of the word "geek"
and the word "phonics" -- came just weeks after the Oakland school
board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language.

"This entirely reconfigures our parameters," Milton "Floppy"
Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school
board became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics.

"No longer are we preformatted for failure," Macintosh said during a
celebration that saw many Geekonics backers come dangerously close
to smiling. "Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to
process the data we need to interface with all units of humanity."

Controversial and widely misunderstood, the Geekonics movement was
spawned in California's Silicon Valley, where many children have
grown up in households headed by computer technicians, programmers,
engineers and scientists who have lost ability to speak plain
English and have inadvertently passed on their high-tech vernacular
to their children.

HELPING THE TRANSITION

While schools will not teach the language, increased teacher
awareness of Geekonics, proponents say, will help children make the
transition to standard English. Those students, in turn, could
possibly help their parents learn to speak in a manner that would
lead listeners to believe that they have actual blood coursing
through their veins.

"Bit by bit, byte by byte, with the proper system development, with
non preemptive multitasking, I see no reason why we can't download
the data we need to modulate our oral output," Macintosh said.

The designation of Ebonics and Geekonics as languages reflects a
growing awareness of our nation's lingual diversity, experts say.

Other groups pushing for their own languages and/or vernaculars to
be declared official viewed the Geekonics vote as a step in the
right direction.

"This is just, like, OK, you know, the most totally kewl thing,
like, ever," said Jennifer Notat-Albright, chairwoman of the
Committee for the Advancement of Valleyonics, headquartered in
Southern California. "I mean, like, you know?" she added.

THEY'RE HAPPY IN DIXIE

"Yeee-hah," said Buford "Kudzu" Davis, president of the Dixionics
Coalition. "Y'all gotta know I'm as happy as a tick on a sleeping
bloodhound about this. We could be fartin' thru silk perty soon."

Spokesmen for several subchapters of Dixionics -- including
Alabonics, Tennesonics and Louisionics -- also said they approved of
the decision.

Bill Flack, public information officer for the Blue Ribbon Task
Force on Bureaucratonics said that his organization would not
comment on the San Jose vote until it convened a summit meeting,
studied the impact, assessed the feasibility, finalized a report and
drafted a comprehensive action plan, which, once it clears the
appropriate subcommittees and is voted on, will be made public to
those who submit the proper information-request forms.

Proponents of Ebonics heartily endorsed the designation of Geekonics
as an official language.

"I ain't got no problem wif it," said Earl E. Byrd, president of the
Ebonics Institute. "You ever try talkin' wif wunna dem computer
dudes? Don't matter if it be a white computer dude or a black
computer dude; it's like you be talkin' to a robot -- RAM, DOS,
undelete, MegaHertZ. Ain't nobody understands. But dey keep talkin'
anyway. 'Sup wif dat?"

Those involved in the lingual diversity movement believe that only
by enacting many different English languages, in addition to all the
foreign ones practiced here, can we all end up happily speaking the
same boring one, becoming a nation that is both unified in its
diversity, and diversified in its unity.

Others say that makes no sense at all. In any language


---
If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Feb 1997 18:46:54 +0000
From:    Joe Clark <smooth@BIOCH.OX.AC.UK>
Subject: bad day

You know it is going to be a bad day when:
        you confuse your chemical mace for your inhaler.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Feb 1997 14:07:11 -0400
From:    Carl Frank <CFrank@WRF.COM>
Subject: Former candidate <risque> <political; may offend Republicans>

This is a visual joke, so stick with me. . .

First, take a dollar bill and fold it once lengthwise.  Then, take a pen
(ball point will do; felt tip is fine), and insert the bill into the clip
of the pen so it forms a "T."   Now, grip the base of the pen in your right
hand (the pen and bill in your hand should form a sort of cross).  Got it??

Now, ask someone:

"What is this?"

- - - -

Bob Dole at a strip club.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Feb 1997 17:08:33 PST
From:    Elvis Is Dead <bjsmith@JUNO.COM>
Subject: Southern Hospitality <adult>

Two Texans were eating dinner at a posh restaurant in NYC.  While
enjoying their meal, they noticed the lady at the next table began to
choke and cough.

   After a few minutes of no one going to help the damsel in distress,
the first cowboy jumped up, grabbed the lady by the ankles, and flipped
her over.  His partner then came over and pulled down her panties and
started to lick her derriere.  Astonished, the woman gagged, and coughed
up
the food that she was choking on.  The cowboys pulled up her panties,
flipped her over, and placed her back in her seat.

  On the way back to their seats, one commented to the other, "See Jed,
I told you that the hind-lick maneuver would come in handy someday."

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Feb 1997 17:11:17 +0500
From:    "Jahanzeb A. Khan" <jazi@KHI.COMPOL.COM>
Subject: Rabbi & Priest. ( off. to both parties )

One day a Rabbi and a Priest are sitting together and the Priest asks the
Rabbi if he had done anything against his beliefs. The Rabbi said, " Yes I
once ate pork! ". Then the Rabbi asks the Priest if he had done anything
against his beliefs. The Priest says, " Yes I once slept with a women ".
The Rabbi keeps silent for a while and then says, " sure beats the pork!!".

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Feb 1997 21:32:26 EST
From:    Bill Edwards <EDWARDS_BILL@COLSTATE.EDU>
Subject: Indian Spoken-English humor & Big America article

This article was found in the India Discussion Digest - January 31
and the second article writes about Big America

Date: Fri, 31 Jan 1997 08:53:24 -0800
From: "Venkatesh Jagadeeshwara" <venkatj@fstpitch.corp.sgi.com>
Subject: Humor: From Kashmir to Kanyakumari

Tamils are always proud to be 'Tamizhs';Pretty courteous they. In
the bus ('Bussu') they always say 'yesuse me, saaar'- even if they
ave ya yem. yay deheree. They speak yenglishu but sorry, no
indi(Hindi), poda!  And Madras has a lot of 'Lates'(ladies) and
'christeens' (Christians).  For tamil dames(called 'figures')
em.g.yaar(MGR) and 'kamallakkaasan' are 'Cho chweet, pa'! The more
common Madarasi is an ardent fan of kireeket matches.

Their counterparts in Bombay think they live in America but speak
Hinglish like 'are you sure ki Sujata aa raha hai ya I'll go akela!'.
And they take great pride in making trivial mistakes in Hindi
Grammar.

Back to the 'thamizhs', they are verrry lecky to haeve simble
neighbours in the keralites who are a comblex race of peoblle(they
migrated around 2000 B.C. from the middle east, I guess; and even now
do when the Sheik feels wary of them). but they have excellent GK and
do well in kiss contests, eat a lot of chooclyte and own 99% of tea
shops in the world.

Not far begind the kerals is the telugu desam, who are totally
againesht flaunting their wealth to the woruld, though they
occasionally come out with brick red shirts and parrot green pants
with pleets('fant' with 'fleet' in Madras). Worust,no?!

The Canadians, excuse me, the Kannadigas are the coolest lot down
south but if there is political unrest in Hersogovnia or an ebola
virus outbreak in Zaire, they bash up the Tamils in Karnataka. Cau
very very bad!

If you go uf, you land uf in Udissa- the land of iron('r' unsilent)
where sombalpuroa and Bhubaneshbara are big towns. The people are
bery cordial and if you are Vikram they bill soorly ask you 'B' or
'Bhe'. They do not sout, sam or soot but occasnally bawsh their phace
at the wasbashin. James Bond Mohapotra in our colleze had a roll
nomber jero,jero,sebhen.

Bengalees are bery similor, but are bery proud oph Subas Chondro
Bosh and Shoatyojit Roy(I used to know a director by name Satyajit
Ray who was  also pretty good) and everybody is 'X'da. I used to
havbe a friend by name Dada. Wonder...never mind. Bot I most confess,
Roshgollas are bery goooood, tho!

And Biharees are bery phond of Laloo and Ranchi, ka isse bhadiya
tumre pass kooch hai, kaa?! UPites and MPites are busy going to
ischool and istudied metals to make lots of ishteel.  Punjabis are
very sweet and aggressive and offer 'Rotti Shotti Khayega!' to which
I once replied 'No'. He said 'Tage itu, yaar!'By God'u! 'Surjeetu,
what happenedu, woi ?!'. That's P'njab.  Sindhis are also a very
affable lot but very strict. See, our sindhi principal used 'Out you
go! you're suspaendaed!' But, frankly was the first to say 'Koong
ragulations!' when we achieved something.  And Kashmir(called
'Cashmir' by many, maybe cos of the amount of cash spent to keep it
in India)?!? I know 'Roja' was shot(I mean filmed) somewhere
nearby...    Venkatesh Jagadeeshwara

 -----------------------------

Date: Fri, 31 Jan 1997 17:30:22 -0500 (EST)
From: Atul Agarwal <aagarwal@nova.gmi.edu>
Subject: Big is beautiful in America: From Indian Newspapers

Netters, just got back from my annual pilgrimage to India. It was
surprising to see the amount of writeup on U.S. in Indian
newspapers. I found the follow- ing (The Times of India, Dec. 1996)
quite interesting...  (Atul Agarwal) During an interview on C-Span,
Clinton said, "radio shows try to bring people down to make you
small. America doesn't need small, America needs big". ....For the
essence of America, the quality that makes this country both
maddening and great is its vast appetite for bigness. America is a
land of big cars and big egos, big malls and big midriffs. America's
caricature, Uncle Sam, has a big hat and big shoes. America's
politicians talk big, spend big, and generally are big; the taller
candidate has won almost all presidential race in the 20th century.

America's urge to bigness is likely to endure because once
entrenched, it tends to spread and magnify.  When McDonald's came
out with the quarter-pounder, pundits gaped; now half-pounders are a
commonplace of fast food. Big roads promote big cars which in turn
require big garages.  Big homes house big refrigerators so ice-cream
comes in gallon-sized containers. The ice-cream expands the American
girth, a govt. study recently found that 1 in 3 adult Americans is
overweight. Big people must be hydrated with big drinks, 7-eleven
stores feature the Slurpee, a takeaway cup containing 44 oz. of
crushed ice and soda.

All this bigness marks America off from rest of the world. America
is home of the Big Mac; Britons came up with the Wimpy Burger. The
Germans are proud of their Mittelstand. The signature achievement of
Japanese design is the niftily small Walkman. The French think being
grand matters less than having a nebulous thing called grandeur. The
recent French-American spats over appointments at NATO and the UN
have been contests of grandeur versus bigness. Canada has towns like
Little Bear, Little Bow, and Little Fort. America has more places
called Big than any other country. Montana has Big Sky, Big Arm, Big
Timer, and Big Baldy Mountain. California has Big Sur and Wyoming has
Big Horn, Illinois has Biggsville.

But the really big thing about America - the thing that other
countries never match is the quality to which the president referred
in his interview:a bigness of the spirit. There is plenty of big
talk and big ideas; but even the big egos respect the big talk of
others.There are big numbers of ethnic Irish, Italians and so on;
but in its better moments at least, America extends a big welcome to
new immigrants. Bigness, in short, works because it is tempered with
diversity and choice. The 7-Eleven slurpee comes in over 25 flavors,
blue raspberry included.

------------------------------

Date:    Sat, 8 Feb 1997 20:03:25 -0800
From:    Ed Lambert <elambert@IX.NETCOM.COM>
Subject: In The News - Humorous News Quips

In The News - Edited excerpts from the LA Times

WARNING: May be offensive to American Presidents and their
administrations, Hollywood, OJ Simpson, panhandlers, Jerry Lewis,
public TV, Dan Quayle, the IRS, The Citadel, American Express
employees, members of the clergy. Includes references to illegal drug
use.

President Clinton is trying to decide where he wants to put his
presidential library, but there is one major problem. How do you have a
presidential library when you've shredded all your documents? (Leno)

Clinton raised $27 million at White House coffee gatherings. He insists
his administration was never for sale. Maybe not, but his critics say
you could rent with an option to buy.

Clinton says he wants to enlist the help of Hollywood to help fight the
war on drugs. Hollywood is ALREADY consuming more than half the drugs
available... (Leno)

The OJ Simpson jury must now decide how much in punitive damages to
award to the Goldmans and the Browns. Punitive is a legal term meaning
even more money that nobody is ever going to get.

SAT scores are being questioned - it turns out one of the math problems
has two correct answers:    1) OJ Simpson has millions
                            2) OJ Simpson has nothing

Los Angeles mayor Richard Riordon wants to make "abusive" panhandeling
a crime. Now, when a beggar asks for a dime, he has to say, "Pretty
please." The law specifically excludes PBS, Jerry Lewis and the Clinton
administration.

The American Music Awards were held a LA's Shrine Auditorium. (Okay, I
was offline for a bit...) Motley Crue barely edged out 2Pac for the Dan
Quayle Spelling Award.

The New England Journal of Medicine has endorsed physician prescribed
marijuana. The first hint that approval would be granted came during a
closed door meeting when the editorial board sent out for 2,000
tollhouse cookies.

The FDA has approved a home drug testing kit parents can use to test
their kids. The kit is endorsed by Robert Downey Jr. If you fall asleep
in a strange home, you fail.

Taxpayers can now file income tax return over the Internet. The IRS can
be accessed at www.heartless/bloodsucker.com

A manual detailing torture techniques printed by the CIA in the 1980's
was released to the public. The outside cover was designed to disguise
it as ordinary literature: "The Citadel: Freshman Orientation".

Pat Boone's new heavy metal album is doing well. His new stage name
will be Snoop Goodie Good.

A Wisconsin middle school banned clothing and makeup related to the
Satan themed band Marilyn Manson after students pretended to cast
spells. It was a particularly nasty spell - if the victim stepped on a
crack, he'd break his mother's back. I'm not sure why they call this
music Satanic - if you call their "number of the beast", you get
Ticketmaster.

An Ocala Florida 5 year old was suspended from school for carrying a
nail file. In a related story, a classmate was cited for posession of
crayons in gang colors.

American Express plans to lay off 3,000 employees. They will be
notified with pink slips that say, "Don't Leave Home".

A poll of clergymen found that only 34% could recite the Ten
Commandments. Somewhat redeeming themselves, 86% knew that Charlton
Heston starred as Moses in the movie.

It looks like the Budweiser frogs aren't retiring after all. Acording
to Anheuser-Busch, they are going on haitus for awhile. The company
would not say how long the frogs would be gone, or comment on rumors
about reservations for three terrariums at the Betty Ford Clinic.

A British archelogist has found globs of flavored tar that was chewed
and spat out by a prehistoric man. It's the first fossilized evidence
of major league baseball.

And finally, officials from a Gold's Gym in New Hampshire recently
found a backpack containing a Bible that belonged to John Quincy Adams.
Police are investigating. Apparently, there are no records indicating
Adams ever belonged to Gold's Gym.

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Feb 1997 00:15:58 -0500
From:    Jim <jimphynn@MINDSPRING.COM>
Subject: "Love Me, I'm a Liberal," by Phil Ochs

warning: contains references to United States politics in the 1960's,
offensive to liberals

This is from the 1966 Elektra Records release, Phil Ochs In Concert (R2
73501).  It starts off with a spoken word intro:

In every American community there are varying shades of political opinion.
One of the shadiest of these is the liberals.  An outspoken group on many
subjects.  Ten degrees to the left of center in good times, ten degrees to
the right of center when it affects them personally.  So here, then, is a
lesson in safe logic:

I cried when they shot Medgar Evers, tears ran down my spine
And I cried when they shot Mr. Kennedy, as though I'd lost a father of mine
But Malcolm X got what was coming.  He got what he asked for this time.
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal.

Get it?
I go to civil rights rallies, and I put down the old DAR (DAR, that's the
Dykes of the American Revolution)
I love Harry and Sidney and Sammy; I hope every colored boy becomes a star
But don't talk about revolution, that's going a little bit too far
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal.

I cheered when Humphrey was chosen, my faith in the system restored
And I'm glad that the commies were thrown out from the AFL-CIO board
And I love Puerto Ricans and Negroes, as long as they don't move next door.
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal.

Ah the people of old Mississippi should all hang their heads in shame
Now I can't understand how their minds work; what's the matter, don't they
watch Les Crane?
But if you ask me to bus my children, I hope the cops take down your name.
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal.

Yes I read New Republic and Nation, I've learned to take every view
Ya know I've memorized Lerner and Golden.  I feel like I'm almost a Jew.
But when it comes to times like Korea, there's no one more red, white and blue.
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal.

I vote for the Democratic party; they want the U.N. to be strong.
I attend all the Pete Seeger concerts; he sure gets me singing those songs.
And I'll send all the money you ask for, but don't ask me to come on along.
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal.

Sure once I was young and impulsive, I wore every conceiveable pin.
Even went to socialist meetings, learned all the old union hymns
But I've grown older and wiser, and that's why I'm turning you in.
So love me, love me, love me, I'm a liberal.

For more on Phil and his music, direct your web browsers to
http://www.cs.pdx.edu/~trent/ochs

-----
Jim Goldman,  HUMOR list Traffic Reporter
http://www.webcom.com/jimphynn

------------------------------

Date:    Sun, 9 Feb 1997 01:00:26 -0500
From:    Joel Rosner <jhr18@COLUMBIA.EDU>
Subject: Thoughts on the Nature of the Universe

From the Laugh of the Day List

Carl Zwanzig: "Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side, a
dark side, and it holds the universe together...."

Douglas Adams: "There is a theory which states that if ever anybody
discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will
instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and
inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already
happened."

Albert Einstein: "Only two things are infinite, the universe and human
stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."

Unknown: "Astronomers say the universe is finite, which is a comforting
thought for those people who can't remember where they leave things."

Edward P. Tryon: "In answer to the question of why it happened, I offer
the modest proposal that our Universe is simply one of those things which
happen from time to time."

John Andrew Holmes: "It is well to remember that the entire universe,
with one trifling exception, is composed of others."

Max Frisch: "Technology is a way of organizing the universe so that
man doesn't have to experience it."

Kilgore Trout: "The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest."

Woody Allen: "I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe
when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown."

Douglas Adams: "In the beginning the Universe was created. This has
made a lot of people very angry and been widely regarded as a bad move."

William J. Broad: "The crux... is that the vast majority of the mass
of the universe seems to be missing."

Rich Cook: "Programming today is a race between software engineers
striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe
trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is
winning."

Fred Hoyle: "There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't
know what it's a plan for."

Ray Bradbury: "We are an impossibility in an impossible universe."

Christopher Morley: "My theology, briefly, is that the universe was
dictated but not signed."

Edward Chilton: "I'm worried that the universe will soon need
replacing. It's not holding a charge."

Calvin and Hobbes (Bill Watterson): "The surest sign that intelligent
life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact
us."

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LAUGH OF THE DAY 
LaughWEB (http://www.misty.com/laughweb/)

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End of HUMOR Digest - 8 Feb 1997 to 9 Feb 1997
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